Chapter Six
BPOV – Present Day
I sat watching Edward interact with Rose, Emmett and Alice. I studied him while he chatted away. He had grown into a very handsome man. Not that he wasn't gorgeous before, he was. Even through puberty when most boys just looked awkward, he had still looked good. No, now, he was all man. His hair was still the same, messy disarray, his green eyes deep and as soulful as ever, though the usual spark wasn't there. They seemed dull somehow. But now...now he had slight stubble dusting his beautifully angular jaw line and his shirt showed promise of muscles underneath. God, how I still loved him. I had tried very hard over the years to forget him. Damn I had tried hard. I had dated. Okay not a lot, but I had and none of the men I had been with had ever measured up. I had always measured them to Edward and that had always frustrated me. I really tried not to, but somehow I always did.
"Izzy-Bella! Hello! Are you still with us?" Alice was waving one hand in front of my face. I blushed
"Uh...Sorry, I spaced for a minute" I mumbled
"What do you think? Club night? Friday night?" Alice asked, filling me in on the conversation that had been happening around me
"Yeah, sure" I agreed. I knew there was no way I would get out of it anyway. Alice knew how to get around my defences and used that talent quite often
"Great! So, we'll see you guys on Friday at 8pm outside Fickle?" Alice asked, looking at Edward and Emmett. And then it hit me, I had just agreed to go out Friday night with the one person I was hoping to avoid for the rest of my life!
"You're coming too?" I asked stupidly, looking at Emmett. I couldn't look at Edward. That hurt too much
"Yeah, Baby Girl. We need a good night out and what's better than old friends catching up?" I winced. I couldn't help it
"Em, I think I may give it a miss" Edward said quietly as he kept his beautiful eyes fixed on the table. My head snapped up as I looked at him. I had heard the regret and sadness in his voice. He was willing to bow out. For me. I felt my heart clench at his tone. I hated that tone. He was hurt and I was the one to hurt him. I never wanted that. He hurt, I hurt. I felt the pain lash through me
"What? No, Ed! You need this!" Em boomed
"Oh C'mon, Edward! It'll be no fun otherwise!" Alice whined. Edward shook his head, still looking at the table
"No, you guys. Em, you know I can't do this again" Edward looked up at Emmett then and I saw understanding flash across Emmett's face. What the hell is that about? I wondered. Emmett nodded and then turned to me, pointing his finger
"You, my girl, need to learn that you are not the only one who is hurt!" With that Emmett rose and strode out of the restaurant. I sat there stunned. What the hell? What had just happened? I had never seen Emmett look that fierce before. I glanced at Edward and saw that he was staring after his brother with the most unfathomable expression on his face. He turned slowly to face me as he felt my eyes on him
"I'm sorry" he whispered and then rose and followed his brother. I got the distinct feeling that he wasn't just apologising for Emmett's outburst. I felt tears prickle my eyelids, but I squashed them back. I turned back to find Rose and Alice staring at me
"What?" I asked, Alice shook her head, but Rose spoke
"You, my friend, are a fucking idiot!"
"Jeez, Rose, don't hold back will you?"
"Bella...Izzy...Whatever the fuck you want to be called, that boy was trying to make amends for a fucking crime he didn't even fucking commit! All he wants is you back! I mean for fuck's sake, he named a fucking restaurant after you, just because he missed you! He loves you and you love him. What the fuck!" I stared at Rose open mouthed. I mean, I knew she had a temper, but she had never once lost it at me and I had to admit, it was fucking scary!
"Rose, I didn't mean-"
"You did mean it, Bells, that's what so fucking annoying! Edward never forgot you, that much is clear, just ask Alice" Rose said in a much lower tone. I looked back over at Alice, who nodded
"Jazz always said that. Edward never once spoke of you, never uttered your name out loud, but after you left LA, he was never the same again. I saw it with my own eyes when I went back, but Jazz was always the one that Edward spent the most time with and he saw and heard a lot more than me and trust me none of it was pretty" I dropped my eyes to my hands and my engagement ring caught my eyes. The way these two were talking, anyone would think that Edward felt the same for me as I did for him. My head snapped up as that thought crossed my mind
"Rose, Ali, what are you two trying to say exactly?" my eyes narrowed
"He loves you, Bells. He just doesn't know it yet" I snorted and Alice raised one delicate eyebrow at me
"Loves me? Of course he does. As. A. Friend. Nothing more, nothing less" I shrugged. I know I looked blasé about it, but honestly, inside my heart clenched and a little more of me died. Each year that had gone by meant another part of me dying. In eight years I had become a shell. I no longer had feelings, I couldn't feel. If I did then I became vunerable and I wasn't having that again. I had been that once, there was no way in hell I was going to be that again. Ever.
Alice sighed and Rose huffed but said nothing more. I felt a little guilty that Edward had bowed out because of me so I told them that they should get him to come too. After all, he was my friend and I had missed his friendship too. I was engaged now so nothing more could happen between us besides friendship.
EPOV – Present Day
For the second time in my life, I felt my heart shatter into a million pieces. I mean, seriously, how many times in one lifetime can someone break your heart? My best friend didn't want me. She hadn't said it in so many words, but I had felt it and so I told Em that I would give Fickle a miss. I would never do anything to make Bella feel uncomfortable and if my being there meant she didn't have a good time, then I just wouldn't be there.
As the cab pulled up outside my apartment building, my cell rang. I pulled it out and looked at the display. Unknown number. I debated letting it go to voicemail and thought, maybe it's one of our clients so I answered it
"Edward Cullen"
"Edward? It's Alice" Well now, there's a surprise
"Hello Alice. How did you get my number away from Jazz?" I knew she would have peeked in his phone; quite frankly, I was surprised that it took her two years to do so. Alice had never been known for her patience.
"I stole it, of course!" Alice laughed; I couldn't help but chuckle along with her
"What's up, Ali?" There was a long pause and I was beginning to think we had gotten cut off. I was just about to pull the phone away from my ear to check it when she spoke again
"How are you, Edward? And I mean, really, truthfully, honestly?" I had expected the question, but what I hadn't expected was the urge to tell her the God's honest truth
"I'm not sure, Ali. How should I be?" Alice sighed. I know she thought I was being difficult and not giving a straight answer, but I truly wasn't
"Edward, she wants you to come on Friday night" I was shocked
"C'mon, Ali, you saw the look on her face when you mentioned it. I don't think she does and I don't want to do anything to hurt her"
"Edward, trust me. She said so. That's why I'm calling, she asked me to tell you" Now I felt slightly pissed, why the hell couldn't she tell me herself? Where we in grade school? Passing notes? Relaying messages through Chinese whispers?
"Alice, if she really wanted me to come, she can ask me herself. I didn't realise that we were still in school and where required to pass notes around" I said through gritted teeth. I was trying really hard to choke back the anger bubbling up inside me
"She won't do that, Edward. She can't" Alice's voice was lowered and full of pain
"Ali, what do you mean 'she can't'? What is it that you aren't telling me? Is she ok?" now I was concerned and I could feel the beginnings of a headache. It had been eight years since I had felt so many emotions in one go. My mind and body were no longer used to it. In all the time that Bella had been out of my life, I had taught myself to simply be numb. After those first few months without her, it had felt good to just not feel anymore.
"No, Edward, she is not ok. She had not been ok for eight years, but she hides it well. Sometimes, even I believe her when she says that she is ok, she's gotten that good at lying. She's broken and I only know of one person who can fix her" My breath hitched. I knew what Alice was saying, that person was me.
"Alice, tell me what I can do? I'll do anything. She's my friend, my best friend. I'll do anything. Just tell me!" I pleaded. Alice exhaled loudly
"You both are so dense and so stubborn! It took me forever to get her to admit the truth to herself, don't tell me I have to do it with you too? Arrggh!" I was taken aback by Alice's outburst and had no idea as to what she was talking about. I decided to encourage her tirade a little. Maybe I'd get some answers that way
"In what way exactly, Ali?"
"Edward, do you have a girlfriend?" I was, once again, surprised. Not the direction I was expecting for this conversation
"No, Ali. I don't have a girlfriend and I don't intend to have one, so no fix ups, no blind dates. I don't date. EVER. Understood" Alice giggled
"That's not why I'm asking, Dumbass!" I laughed
"Why then?"
"Have you had any serious relationships in the last eight years, Edward?" I was confused. What did this have to do with Bella?
"One. About four years ago. I met Kate in University and we dated for a couple of months, but we never got serious, other than that, just a few casual dates. Why?"
"Do you know Bella is engaged?" I nodded, yes I knew, I had seen the ring this morning
"Yes, but not who to"
"Jake. Jacob Black from back home"
"Oh" what else could I say? It hurt to hear the words, but I had no idea why
"How does that make you feel?"
"Hurt. She's my friend, why didn't she tell me?"
"Is that the only reason you're hurt?" Jesus, this was beginning to feel like a session with a shrink! What more could I say? How much plainer could I make it. Bella had hurt me! Eight years ago, she had shattered my heart and she had done it again today. Well, as long as she was willing to listen, I might as well let it all out
"No, Ali. I'm hurt because she gave up on our friendship. I'm hurt that she left me eight years ago without even saying goodbye, I'm hurt that she thought Tanya was more important to me than she was or even is, I'm hurt that she didn't understand how much I needed her then and how much I have always needed her, I'm hurt that she didn't understand my feelings for her at all!" I paused What. The. Hell? My Feelings? What feelings?
"Aha! I knew it!"
"Knew what, Ali" I said wearily. My slight headache was now a full blown one and I just wanted to take some painkillers and go lay down. This conversation was bringing up emotions in me that I had worked hard over the last eight years to bury. I wasn't ready to relive them yet, if ever. I was hurt and angry that Bella had not trusted in me enough to wait for an explanation and I was sad because I had lost the best friendship I had ever had. There was another feeling that I couldn't put my finger on, but it pulsed deeply in my heart and had done for years now
"You love her"
Say what now? Did she just say what I think she said?
"I…Um…Say what?" I stuttered
"Edward, you fool! You are in love with Bella!" Not what I was expecting. Was I? You'd think that would be something I would be aware of, right? I thought back to the feelings that coursed through me when I saw her for the first time in eight years at the courthouse and then the urges I had to kiss her at the restaurant. Was that love? I had missed her. A lot. When she had left LA, I had felt like a piece of me had gone missing. Nothing seemed right anymore. I remembered the haze of pain in those first months after she left and then I remembered the pure joy when I saw her this morning. It had felt like…like everything was right again. It had felt like…I was finally home, where I belonged.
Holy Shit! I was in love with my best friend!
I stifled the groan that wanted to burst from my chest
"Edward? Are you there? Are you ok?" Alice asked in a concerned tone
"Yes, Ali. I'm here" I whispered, my voice thick with emotion
"You seriously had no idea, did you?"
"No, Ali, I didn't. We have always been close and I have always cared for her. If I hadn't felt what I did today when I saw her, I would have argued with you and told you that you were wrong" I admitted
"But I'm not, am I?" I shook my head
"No Ali, you're not" I sighed. No, she wasn't wrong. The only question I had now was, What about Bella? How did she feel?
"She loves you too, you know" I could barely hear Alice; her voice had gone so quiet. I snorted
"Yeah, right! If she loved me, she would not have left me and stayed away for eight years, Alice. Eight fucking years! No phone call, no email, not even a goodbye note with an explanation! That is not love!" I stormed. I was pissed again all of a sudden. How could she have been so selfish? If you loved someone, you did not cause them pain in the way she had! All because of Tanya Fucking Denali! One mistake. Was that all it took to break her faith in me? In our relationship?
I didn't want to discuss this with Alice anymore. I wanted to confront Bella
"Alice, Where is she? I have to talk to her!" I was furious. I could feel all the pent up rage bubbling inside me, fighting to release
"No, Edward. You cannot talk to her in the mood you are in. I understand that you are upset-"
'Upset? Upset? I'll give you upset, Mary Alice Brandon. I Am Fucking Pissed! Upset does not even begin to cover it!" I raged at her
'Edward Anthony Masen-Cullen! Do not shout at me! Do not shout at Bella! She has had enough to deal with without you going off on one at her! She has had her heart broken too you know!"
And now I was livid. She had enough to deal with? She had her heart broken? What about me? I had paid the highest price I could imagine for a crime I hadn't even committed! Contrary to what Tanya had told Bella, I had not slept with her until well after Bella had left. It took me months to wake up from the gut wrenching pain and boy was I pissed when I woke! At that point I slept with Tanya. If I was going to be accused for something, it may as well be for something I had actually done! But what I couldn't understand was; Bella left of her own free will, she made the choice to walk out on me, on us, so why was she so heart broken! She chose this, not me.
"I don't fucking care! She. Left. Me! I didn't go anywhere! I waited for her to come back for years before I finally grew up and realised that she wasn't coming back! She walked out on the best friendship either of us ever had! She walked out on me! How can I trust her after this! Not a word in eight god dammed years! I could have been fucking DEAD for all she cared! Hell, I have been dead! I died the day she left and I still am dead! She Fucking Killed Me, Alice!" I roared, my last bit of control finally snapping. I had held all this in for eight years and just hearing Alice tell me that Bella had been heart broken simply served to snap my sanity. There was a long moment of silence on the line and then I heard Jasper come on the line and I could hear Alice sobbing in the background
"Ed, what's going on? Are you ok?" Hearing Alice cry in the background brought me down from my rage slightly. Well, don't I just feel great now? I had made Alice cry
"Hey, Jazz. Yeah, I'm ok. Listen; tell Alice I said I'm sorry, yeah? She didn't need to hear that from me. It's my problem, not hers" I was still trying to calm the surge of emotions running through me, making my breathing ragged
"That's where you're wrong, Ed. You are our friend too and what happens to you is our problem too. I hear you saw Bella today?" I grunted in response
"Are you ok?" Jasper asked again quietly. I considered his question for a moment before answering. I could lie and say yes, but Jazz had been there when I was at my worst. He knew what it took for me to be human again, if I even was anymore. I wasn't so sure.
"No, Jazz. I don't think I am" I answered honestly. I heard him sigh deeply before he spoke
'I'm sorry, man. I know you are still hurting over this, but you need to let the anger go. It's not going to help solve anything"
'I know, Jazz, but I can't help it. I don't know if I can get past it. At least not until I have it out with her" I didn't say her name. I couldn't. It had taken me years to say it in my mind alone but today just brought up all the old pain and anger. After Bella had left, I stopped speaking of her. The day Emmett told me she had left, that was the last day I had uttered her name aloud. That's not to say I hadn't thought it. I had. Constantly. I just couldn't say it. Every time I did, I had felt the ripping pain of loss and I just couldn't take that shit.
"So go talk to her" Jazz responded. I snorted
"How, Jazz? I don't know where she lives"
"You know where she works, right?" I did, but this wasn't a conversation for her workplace.
"Be serious, Jazz. Do you really think I can talk to her about this at her work?" I said, slightly incredulous that he had even suggested it
"Hmm…You're right. In that case, why don't you come Friday night? I think you need to have a conversation in a neutral, public place" I took a moment to consider this. What harm could it do? If nothing else, I would see Bella again. I did really want to see her again. Despite all my anger and hurt, I still wanted to see her again.
"Ok, fine. I'll meet you at the club." We chatted for a few more minutes and then I finally admitted to my headache and hung up. I jumped in the shower to relieve some of the tension in my shoulders and neck, allowing the power shower to do it's magic for a good ten minutes before getting out and preparing for a nap.
As I drifted, waiting for sleep to find me, I though back over the day and my conversation with Alice. I was still reeling inside from the revelations and the rage, which had now dissipated to a slow burn. I thought about how to approach Bella and the conversation I knew would take place on Friday. What would be the outcome? She was engaged to another man, but in love with another. She was in love with me. How could she do this? She had not only fucked her own life, but mine and poor Jacob Black's too. Her one decision had created a shockwave of pain and I could only see it getting bigger before it finally abated.
I knew no matter what happened on Friday, I would fight for her as hard as I could. I had finally found her again and there was no way in hell I would allow her to disappear again.
Never Again.