Of course she wouldn't call him during the night. She would never admit to him waking up sweaty and screaming for the next couple of weeks every single night. Sometimes more than once. He called her the following day and when she the third time finally picked up he felt relief to at least hear her voice. Later during the week he knew she would be in to give her statement. Olivia would be the one who'd take it. He had been planning to be around when she came in, partly because he just wanted to lay eyes on her but also to show his support. But then apparently they'd changed time and when he got in from working a case with Munch he was informed by Cragen that he'd just missed her. He asked how she'd looked and Cragen told him a bit evasive that she'd looked tired but kept up a good front. When he asked his captain when she would be back he'd just been given the insignificant answer 'Give her time.'

He then tried to locate Liv but she had headed out with Nick already. A while later he saw a clerk leave a file in Liv's inbox and he went against his ethics and walked over to have a look at it. It was the transcript of Amanda's statement as he had hoped and he took it with him to one of the back rooms. He could feel by the thickness of it, or lack there of, that it wouldn't be much in there. He read through it and it was as he expected – hollow. Liv had started with the alley attack and again Amanda stated she didn't remember much after she was pulled into the alley. She stated Eric was prone to violence and he had become physical when he paid her a visits before asking for information about Justine's whereabouts. On Liv's question how many times in the past Eric had 'paid her a visit' Amanda had answered about four or five. And she'd answered Liv that he'd become a bit physical once or twice of those visits. Fin didn't believe a word of that. He knew Amanda would know exactly how many times she had a run in with Eric. But he also understood why Liv hadn't probed more. Amanda had an obligation to report a crime and if the physical passed a certain point she could be in trouble.

The footage from the alley or any hospital report from the outcome of that alley incident would not be in the file just for the reason Amanda committed a crime not reporting that assault. Neither would there be any statements by Liv or Fin of what they knew about that night. Amanda's answer to Liv's question about the final assault in her apartment was about as thin as the previous one. She remembered him being at her door suddenly. First asking questions about her sister's whereabouts and then asking for money. When she tried to hand him some bills through the security chain he had kicked the door in. The last thing she remembered was trying to get to her spare gun in her bedroom and then nothing until she woke up at the hospital. The doctor had told him the head trauma could have given her blackouts from that night but Fin wasn't so sure that was the case here.

The hospital report from that last assault would be in the final file though along with some gruesome photos taken while she was still in a drug induced coma. The rape kit result was in there too. Liv had gone on to ask if Eric had ever sexually assaulted her in the past. Amanda had answered no and then Liv had to bring up the assault her parents had told them about. She told her she didn't remember much. The memories she did have was mostly short fragments, more as she'd seen it on a movie happening to someone else. A hand over a mouth, pyjamapants being pulled off someone, someone else screaming, someone moaning and then just darkness. That's all she remembered after going to bed that night and then nothing for a couple of days afterwards. Liv asked if it was Eric who had sexually abused her that night though and Amanda had answered "I think so". Fin wished he could have seen the face that came with that answer. And that was all that was in the transcript. It would go in the final file along with the one hospital report, the hospital photos, her parent's interview, a transcript from Dale's statement from the apartment shooting and Eric's autopsy report. Followed by a statement from Liv and Nick about when they found Amanda in her apartment and then Livs, Nicks and Fins statements from the shooting incident. And with that it would be cased closed.

But of course a case like this was really never closed. Nick would live with the memory of breathing life into Amanda's limp body and having her blood all over his hands. He would remember the interview with her parents and the revelation of the child abuse Amanda was exposed to. Liv would live with the memory of touching Amanda's cold body and not finding a pulse. She would see that blood dripping from her hair in her dreams every now and then. And the image of Amanda's pale face with that breathing tube down her throat in the trauma room would pop up in front of her eyes whenever she saw a victim in a similar state. For Fin this past week would stay with him for the rest of his life. The good, the bad, the ugly and the horrendous. He would try and deal with it his own way but in the end have to face the fact he needed help to digest and work through it all. Right now though all he could think about was that he needed his partner back at work.

When he ran into Olivia next he asked her for a minute and then asked to get her feeling of the statement she took earlier. As suspected she'd felt as though Amanda was holding back and wasn't completely truthful but it had also felt like they had a mutual agreement there and then not to push anything. Liv too didn't want any more harm to come to Amanda. Having Amanda charged wouldn't favor anyone. Liv had probed a bit after the recorder was off but Amanda had bit her tongue. She'd asked if she was talking to anyone about everything that had happen but Amanda had been elusive. She'd said Cragen had ordered her to see the department shrink and that a doctor needed to clear her before she got back to work. When Liv had asked her when that would be Amanda had just given her a brief look and then averted the question by telling Liv she hoped they hadn't gotten in any trouble because of her. Liv had assured her there had been no trouble but that they were all concerned about her and if there was anything anyone of them could do she shouldn't be afraid to ask. And that was basically all Liv had for him.

Since she was picking up the phone less and less as he called and their conversations felt stiff he decided it was time for them to meet. It had been a week since he saw her last. He texted her that he wanted to see her in the park across her street. He let her choose the time but that only lead to a few complex and aversive texts back and forth so he finally wrote 'be there at two or I'm coming up'. He didn't get a text back so once he sat down on a park table a few minutes before two he was nervous she wouldn't show up. But she did. He'd scouted out her front door since he got there and once he saw her small form coming out he felt some relief. He watched her demeanor as she crossed the street. To an outsider she would probably not stand out but he could tell something was off. He wondered how many times she'd left her apartment this past week. Once to the station and nothing else he figured.

She was dressed according to the season, the fall air was coming in to the city and the colors changing. She'd swept herself in a warmer jacket. She was more the kind that leaned towards comfort and essentials than the latest fashion but he'd always thought she picked the right colors for her hair and skin tone. Yes some men spotted that too. The jacket was in a dark plum color. The black sweatpants with her boots worked for a trip across the street. She'd put a simple striped beanie on to cover the gash in the back of her head. He saw her swipe the jacket closer around her as she got closer. She repaid his smile once she got closer and she stepped up on the bench and sat down on the other end of the table.
"It's getting cooler," she said with some shiver to her voice and he nodded. He watched her out of the corner of his eye as she had a look across the park. Except for an elderly man walking a dog further down into the park they were alone. She looked as pale as when he last saw her. She had one of those faces that looked great even without make-up but he could tell from the darkness below her eyes she wasn't sleeping well.

Finally her eyes landed briefly on him and he could tell she felt uncomfortable under his gaze. She smiled shyly and looked down.
"So how are you holding up?" he asked and saw her take a deep breath as she thought about what to say. Her eyes came back up to meet his and it looked as though she was about to say something but she got interrupted by tears welling up in her eyes and she had to look away to prevent them from falling. He looked away too to not make her feel even more uncomfortable. The wind swept through the trees above their heads. Fin watched as some leafs fell to the ground.
"I miss you," he admitted and felt her eyes on him. "I know I shouldn't push you right now but I just miss you. Work's no fun without you." He caught a leaf mid air and took a closer look at it in his hand. He followed the tiny veins in its core with his eyes. Life was running out of this little piece of the tree. Small things like that hadn't caught his attention before but suddenly he was so aware of things going on around him. He had the blues bad.

He couldn't keep his eyes of her any longer and turned his head as he let the leaf fall to the ground. She looked away immediately and he saw her tighten her grip around herself. He wasn't in a hurry to get out of there but he felt stressed that she wouldn't let him in. He had thought so hard about what he could do to make her trust him but he didn't find an answer and now all he could do was wait. Give her time as Justine's counselor Corinne had advised him. He saw her shake something off as she took a deep breath and seemed to grow an inch or two. She looked at him briefly through the corner of her eye. He saw her bite the inside of her lip. Her eyelids fluttered. Small nervous tics that all told him she wasn't ready to open up but then suddenly she spoke.
"I just don't know who to be," her voice was small and frail but he could still hear her. He listen to every word she said with great intensity.

"I know it must sound crazy but keeping my sister protected was the one thing that got me going. And now… I just don't know what to do with myself." Her blues met his dark briefly and she gave him an awkward smile. When she didn't continue he gave her a slight shake of his head.
"It doesn't sound crazy at all," he said it as sincerely he could to make her truly believe him. He saw tears gather in her eyes again and she looked away to keep them in. He was afraid she wouldn't say anything else and decided to follow his gut and probe a bit.
"How many times did he look you up?" She kept her eyes forward. She swallowed.
"Justine's been in rehab or locked up ten times since I went away to college. He came around every time. Twice this her last, hopefully last, round."
"And how many times has he…" He didn't know how to finish the sentence but figured she'd get it anyway. He couldn't explain the perverted need he felt to know this. She looked at him sideways and then shook her head slightly. He got it. She wasn't ready to talk about it and he'd let it go for now. The man with the dog passed them as he was leaving the park. Amanda looked away but Fin met the man's stare without hesitation. He pierced his back as he walked away from them.

"How can I be of any help to anyone when I was too weak to stop him?" Fin moved his eyes over on her again. She had lowered her head and he saw a single tear drop down on her knee. She hastily wiped her cheek with her fingers.
"I don't know how to make you realize you're not weak," he said. "You're anything but Amanda." He thought about what to say but decided to speak his mind.
"Fourteen. God. To survive that. Far from weak. I'm not saying, ever, that it was a good thing but it was the cards you were dealt with. A really crappy hand. But somehow you managed to get here. And I've seen you in action. You're good Amanda. You're needed. Don't tell yourself otherwise," he went silent as a couple, a man and a woman holding hands, walked passed them. Amanda watched them from underneath her bangs. The woman smiled at her and then at Fin as she looked over to him. Fin smiled back and let out a sigh. He felt overwhelmed with tension and took a few deep breaths before he looked back at Amanda.

She had put her hands over her face and then dropped all the way down to her knees. She looked still though. No sobs running through her body. He felt like scootching over and put his arms around her but feared rejection. He couldn't reach out and put his hand on her head either because of her gash. He started to feel useless when she suddenly rose back up. She took a deep breath that got stuck several times in her throat. The next one went a little smoother and the third one without a hick-up.
"I've spoken with Corinne twice," she told him as she glanced over at him.
"Yeah?" She nodded.
"She wants me to come. Stay a week. She's fixed a room for me on the premises. Justine wants to talk to me. And then I would… talk to someone. Just to see how it goes." She gave him a crooked smile.
"That sounds great," he said without hesitation.

She raised a questionable eyebrow at him telling him she wasn't as convinced.
"You should do that. It can't hurt right?" There was no doubt in his mind she should take this opportunity. She looked away again.
"It will probably hurt though," she whispered.
"But the right kind of hurt for once. And you'll have professionals there to guide you through it."
"You really think it's a good idea?" She looked anxiously over at him. He nodded.
"Yes. As long as you do it for yourself. Justine being there is a bonus, you'll be able to talk and hang out. But you go there for you. So you can feel better Amanda." She tried to give him a smile and then looked out over the park again.
"Yeah maybe I should. For me," she thought out loud. He looked out over the park as well. They sat there for a while in silence. The wind. A car passed by. A jogger ran by.

"I'm sorry," she suddenly said and he looked at her. She held his eyes. He wasn't sure what she was apologizing for.
"I should never have asked you to kill him." He shook his head as to say it was nothing but she looked away.
"That was wrong of me. That's your badge, your career."
"There's no need Amanda. You were in shock when you asked me. I would have wanted to even if you hadn't. And I would have if I'd been given the opportunity. What he did to you that wasn't okay. He should've paid. He got off too easy." He just watched her for a bit.
"Did Liv tell you what he said? Just before he..." He stopped as she looked up at him and shook her head just barely. He hadn't been sure earlier if he should tell her or not but now it felt important to him to be honest with her.
"He said he was sorry. He wanted me to tell you he was sorry for what he did to you." Her eyes or face said nothing as she looked away again.
"You okay?" he asked and she nodded. A little kid came running in to the park from the street. No more than five. All bundled up in clothes but still able to run. Soon after a mother with a stroller holding another, younger kid. She called out a girl's name as she tried to catch up to her eldest.

"Yeah maybe I'll go to Pittsburgh. Try to sort things out," she said quietly as the mother ran out of sight. He looked back over at her.
"Just as long as you come back," he said. She tore her eyes from where she'd last seen the mother's back.
"I'll give you some time. I trust Corinne with you. But I want my partner back okay?" Her face was blank but then he saw the corner of her mouth go up just a bit. He smiled at her.
"Deal?" She pinched her lips together as they went up into a smile. He saw some spark back in her eyes.
"You want to get something to eat?" he suggested but she looked hesitant.
"Common I skipped lunch. I'm starving," he said and stepped down from the bench. He held out his hand to help her down. She looked at it for a while.
"Small steps okay? Let me help," he said and soon thereafter she finally grabbed it. As she came down and let his hand go he grabbed her just quickly and squeezed her shoulder so her body came into his chest for a brief second. Then he let her go and they started walking out of the park.

"So when are we seeing that wolf and goat man's play? You know I'm just dying to right?" She chuckled and punched his arm hard but tenderly at the same time. He loved seeing her smile. He knew they had a long road ahead but he felt safe now. The past had reared its ugly head and it was the kind that wasn't easily forgotten. Not the kind that you could just shut your door to. But it was in the past now and they were here. The future was theirs and he would help her deal with it. They were partners and she was stuck with him. They were stuck with each other and that was a good thing. And he would soon learn Johann Wolfgang von Goethe wasn't such a bad playwriter. At least when you went with such a competent and pleasant company as his partner.

XXX

Thanks to all of you that made it this far. I'd love to hear what you thought of it all and if I should give it another go if a story worth writing pops into my head again.
And many thanks to the bunch of you that left reviews along the way. You truly kept me going and made this - my first time - a positive memorable experience. The land of fanfic is truly a magical place to disappear to at times.