Chapter Thirteen
BPOV
I had called this…meeting, for lack of a better word, purely for my own peace of mind. As I made my way into the café not far from my office, I ran through my mind on what I wanted to say. I was nervous beyond belief, but I needed to do this. I knew I needed to do this, for the sake of my own sanity.
"Bella!" I turned and made my way to the table. I was clenching and unclenching my fingers in hopes of releasing the nervous energy
"Hey Bells" Emmett stood up and wrapped his arms around me in one of his signature bear hugs
"Hey, Em. How are you, Big Bear?" I said, hoping Emmett didn't notice my voice shake with nerves. No such luck. His eyes narrowed as he looked at me
"Bella, what's wrong?" I sighed and looked down at my hands
"You're probably wondering why I called and asked for this meeting, right?" I asked, avoiding his question
"Yeah, I am. So are you gonna tell me or am I gonna have to take a stab in the dark and guess?" I took a deep breath and looked up to meet his eyes. They were soft and full of concern, despite his teasing words
"I wanted…no, I needed to say sorry to you" Emmett looked taken aback, but I rushed on before he could speak and I lost my nerve
"Edward told me a few things about himself and his life from when I was I gone and one thing more than others made me realise how wrong I was and how hard it was for you and for that I'm so so sorry, Em. I never meant for it to be that bad. I thought I was doing the right thing at the time and it has become painfully obvious that it was so far from right" I wiped away the tears that had started to fall. Emmett took my right hand in his large ones
"Bella, I know all that. I don't blame you, I never have. As far as I am concerned the blame lies with one person and one person only. Tanya Denali. It was her stupid, blurred vision of herself and her 'relationship' with Edward that caused all of this. Her jealousy is not your problem, any more than it is Edward's or mine or any of ours. Baby Girl, I have always considered you my little sister and I love you. it hurt so much to watch you hurt all these years" his voice conveyed his sincerity and I believed what he was saying to be true, but the guilt and pain I felt over Edward's attempted suicide and Emmett's involvement made me shake my head
"I'm sorry for what you went through on Edward's 21st" I whispered. I watched as a range of emotions crossed his features, pain, sadness, anger, guilt and pain again. His grip on my hand tightened as he fought to control these emotions stemming from the memories of that night, I'm sure
"I'm sorry too. I should have been able to see how much pain he was really in. I should have been there to stop him" his voice was thick with emotion. It may be masochistic of me, but I wanted to hear his take on that night
"Will you tell me about it, please?" his head snapped up and his eyes locked with mine "I mean, if it's too hard then don't worry about it, but I just…I just wanted to hear your side. I know what he went through and if you speak to Alice, she will probably understand what you went through too. I want to move past all this, but I need to know exactly what it is that I'm moving past before I do" I spoke quietly, watching his every emotion, every movement. I hoped that he was not angry at me for asking for this
"What do you mean, Alice would understand what I went through?" his eyes narrowed in suspicion for a moment before they widened in understanding
"Bella! Did you…did you try…did you attempt to take your own life too?" I nodded and lowered my eyes
"On my 21st birthday" I whispered. Emmett started to shake his head and chuckle darkly
"Man, you and Edward really are a pair, aren't you?" I replied with a small smile. Emmett took a deep breath and started with his memories
"First off, I want you to understand that I am not telling you all this to hurt you. You need to let that go and just listen. Don't feel guilty, don't feel ashamed, just listen to it all" he gave me a stern look and I nodded silently in understanding
"When you left, Edward simply shut down. The day you left he collapsed after I told him. He whispered one word – 'Kitten'. After that he didn't say your name, he didn't speak of you, he refused to be around us longer than necessary because we reminded him of you and because we sometime let slip your name. When that happened he would either walk away or lash out and tell us not to say your name in front of him. He was so quiet. The look in his eyes frightened me the most. It was like a part of him went missing. They were simply empty. Dead. It took him a few months, but he finally got angry. I was relieved at first. At least it was better than the zombie stage. I quickly learned that the anger was no better. He drank. A lot. It wasn't until after his prom that I found out about the girls and the drugs" Emmett paused and looked at me to see if I would react. I didn't. I had already heard of this from Edward. Emmett looked into my eyes for a long moment then continued
"I came home from College early one weekend and found him in his room. It was a mess. Needles and foil paper littered the floor. He was sitting on the floor at the end of his bed, kissing some girl. I don't think he even knew her name"
EmPOV – Seven Years Ago; Just before Edward's Graduation
The sight before me defied logic. This wasn't my brother. Not my baby brother, the good one. The one who was a straight A student, the golden child who did everything right.
No, this young man before me was not the Edward I knew and loved. I didn't know who he was. I stared at the sight before me, trying to comprehend what I was seeing. The floor around the couple was littered with syringes, foil paper and what looked like an assortment of Class A drugs. Meth, Cocaine, Heroine and Marijuana. I charged into the room and ripped the girl off of my brother
"What the fuck, Edward?" I screamed "Are you insane? Are you trying to kill yourself? And who the fuck is this?" I ranted and raved for a full five minutes about the effects of drugs and how Mom and Dad would be so disappointed. In the entire time I vented, Edward simply stared up at me with the same dead look in his eyes that I now expected to see and a lazy smile on his lips. He was as high as a kite. I heard a throat clear behind me and I whirled to face the girl
"I…uh…I think I'm gonna go now. Call me later Ed?" she slurred.
"He will do no such thing, now, get out" I snarled as Edward rose unsteadily to his feet beside me and went to her
"Sure thing, sexy" his words were also slurred. I wondered how long he had been doing drugs. How had I missed this? Just because I was away living in dorms didn't mean I had missed the memo on when my brother turned into a junkie, did it? I felt guilt taking over inside me.
Over the next few days whilst I was home I watched Edward closely. He seemed to keep it together at school and in front of mom and dad, but at night I heard him sneak away for his fix. I found him each night sprawled out on his bed, after he came back smelling of a cocktail of alcohol, drugs and sex. I needed to do something. He was on a sure path to self destruct and I had front row seats to watch it happen.
I finally came to a decision on my third night at home. I was going to have to speak to my parents and clue them in on the situation. So that night, I waited until after Edward had snuck out for the night and knocked on my parent's bedroom door. Dad opened it, looking surprised to see me there, but invited me in nonetheless. I sat on the end of their bed and put my head in my hands, trying to build up the courage to tell me one of the worst things any parent would want to hear. I was still trying to decide how to start when I felt my dad's hand on my shoulder
"Son, what's wrong?" I looked up into my dad's concerned face and decided to just bite the bullet
"It's about Edward" dad moved around me to sit next to me, mum sat on the other side
"What about him? Is he ok?" mum asked, worried. I shook my head
"No, he's not, mom. I have some real bad news" mum went to get up and move towards the door, no doubt going to check on him, but I held her hand and pulled her back down next to me gently
"He's not in his room" I felt dad stiffen next to me
"Where is he then? And what do you mean he is not in his room? It's after ten at night!" mom's voice rose in panic and I wrapped my arm around her shoulder. I hated having to do this to her. To them. But it needed to be done.
I took a deep breath and launched into the explanation of what I had come across the night I came home and about how worried I was about him. I explained how he seemed to simply shut down after Bella left and how I had been watching him struggle to open up again. For the most part they listened without interrupting; only asking questions for clarification now and again.
Finally, after what seemed like hours I fell silent, having given all the information I knew. They were both quiet, except for mom's silent sobs. Even dad had a few tears in his eyes, as did I.
"Son, I'm glad you came to us with this and I think you're a right, he does need professional help and I am going to see he gets it" dad clapped me on the shoulder. I left for my own room then. I was headed back to college the next day and I hoped and prayed with all my might that Edward would be ok while I was gone.
I found out a few days later that mom and dad had talked with Edward and he had agreed to professional help, after a heap of arguing. They sent him a clinic in Beverley Hills. He was to stay there for three months and would get out just days before graduation. He had enough credits to graduate so that would not be an issue.
I continued to talk to him and watch over him over the years, but the dead look in his eyes never faded. He moved through life in a daze and once again I questioned if he actually knew that the reason he missed Bella so much was because he was in fact in love with her. I never voiced my opinion. However whenever I spoke to Bella, she sounded the same as Edward. Broken, empty, dead. It scared me.
The stress of school and worrying about Edward became too much. Rose and I broke up after we had a long discussion about it all. Rose was upset and angry but understood my need to stay close for my brother and family. She moved to the East coast in her sophomore year, to be closer to Jasper, Bella and Alice. After our discussion, we decided to separate to watch over them. Rose would watch over Bella and I would watch over Edward. Maybe we would meet again in a few years. Who knew? But hope I did, with all my might. I loved her with everything in me, but for me, my brother came first and foremost.
Four Years Ago; Edward's 21st Birthday Night
I whistled as I walked into the apartment I shared with my baby brother. The sale of the restaurant went well and the renovations were due to start next week. Edward and I had just purchased an Old Italian restaurant in downtown New York. We had moved here a few months ago after I finished college. Edward was at Dartmouth so technically I lived here alone, though he came down every other weekend.
Edward and Jasper roomed together on campus. Both were taking courses in Business, Finance and Architecture, with their majors being Architecture and minors being Business and Finance. They planned on opening up their own business when they graduated next year. I had just graduated from UCLA with a degree in Business Management. Mom and Dad had moved into the suburbs of Manhattan. Dad had gotten a great offer at one of the clinics there for Chief Surgeon.
Alice and Jasper were still together and I had not seen Rose since our sophomore year. I spoke to Bella about once a week and since moving here I had seen her a few times. We had a standing agreement to meet up for dinner, lunch or simply drink every other week. Edward did not know that she was in the same city as me and I had no intention of telling him. Though the dead look had not faded, he was living a little more each day. He was not the same Edward I had grown up with. He was quieter, more reserved. He kept to himself a lot and did not interact much with his peers. I figured it was because he was afraid of getting hurt again. I sure as hell knew he wouldn't survive another round of pain like this one. The last four years have been a hard struggle to bring him to this level. I would not relish seeing him fade back to what he was before. At least now, he smiled and laughed on the odd occasion! I sure as hell did not want to watch him fall back into drugs again. Once in a lifetime was enough for that, thanks.
Sometimes I though maybe it would be easier for me to just tell him where Bella was and let them work things out. He had never been the same after she left. He still seemed as if half of him was missing and the pain and anger I sometimes saw in his eyes scared the shit out of me. The same went for Bella too. She had the same dead look in her eyes and though she tried to smile and hide it, I knew her too well. She refused to speak about him as much as he refused to speak about her. It was as frustrating as hell, but what could I do. I had promises to keep.
I unlocked the apartment door. Edward was here this weekend and we were meant to be going out tonight. The original plans we made in school for our 21st birthdays no longer applied. Edward didn't bring up Vegas or the Bellagio and neither did I. The boy had just gotten some of his spark back; I sure as hell was not going to be the one to extinguish it!
The apartment was dark when I came in, which I found odd as I knew that Edward was already here. I glanced at the clock on the living room wall as I passed. Seven pm. hmm…where the hell could he be? I shrugged, figuring he had already left with Jasper for the bar. It was a bit early so I figured I had some time to shower and change before I could go and meet up with them.
I made my way into the kitchen and froze. Something seemed off. I gazed around, trying to decipher what the missing thing was. Three things happened simultaneously. First my cell rang just as I spotted a piece of paper tacked to the fridge, second, I heard moaning coming from the direction of the bedrooms and third (and this one sent a cold shiver of fear down my spine) I spotted a knife missing from the knife rack. I turned and ran towards the bedrooms as I flipped open my cell and answered
"Hello?"
"Em? Where the hell are you two? I'm at the bar waiting for you!" I opened the first bedroom and found it empty and continued to move onto the second room
"Jazz, what do you mean 'you two'? Is Edward not with you?" I was near panic now, but tried to hide it. I opened the second bedroom only to find it empty too. This was Edward's room, so he should have been in here
"No, Em. I'm alone. I thought Edward was coming with you? That's what he told me" ok, now I was in full blown panic attack. I whirled around to head back out of the room but stopped as I heard another moan coming from the en suite bathroom
"Jazz, hang on, I think Edward's here. He's in the-" I didn't get anything else out as I burst into the bathroom. The sight before me froze me to the spot. Edward was on the floor of his en suite bathroom, two empty bottles of JD on his right. It was what was in his left hand that stopped me cold. In his left hand was the missing knife, covered in blood. His blood. My eyes raked over him and came to rest on his right wrist where there was a long gash with blood pouring from it. I don't know how long I stared, but I was brought out of my stupor by the shouting in my ear. Jasper was still on the phone
"Em! Emmett! Did you find him? Hello?"
"Jazz, can you come here, please? I need you" I whispered, still frozen
"What? Why?" I was about to reply when I heard another moan from Edward and a whisper that sprung me into action. He whispered two words
"Goodbye, Kitten" I flung myself down onto the floor beside him, shaking him, screaming his name and shouting for him to wake up. I pulled the phone back to my ear
"Jazz! Call the ambulance! He's slit his wrist! Please! Hurry! Oh God! Edward! Please! No!" I knew I wasn't making sense, but I didn't care. This was my baby brother, I couldn't lose him.
I don't know how long after I found him that the ambulance arrived, but at some point I found myself sitting in the waiting room of Sacred Heart Hospital, staring at the dried blood on my hands. My brother's blood
"Emmett!" I looked up to find both my parents running towards me. I rose from my seat and simply stood there staring at them as they wrapped their arms around me
"Son, are you ok?" I heard my father ask. I raised my hands, palms up to show them the dried blood
"Blood. It's his, Edward's blood…on my hands. He nearly died and it's entirely my fault. He…he nearly died, dad and I couldn't do anything" as I spoke the sobs ripped from my chest. I felt my father wrap his arms around me. He held me as I sobbed into his shoulder. The images of Edward on the floor of his bathroom, lying in the pool of his own blood kept flashing through my mind repeatedly.
BPOV – Present Day
I couldn't help but sob as Emmett finished his story. He had tears streaming down his face too
"It took me a long time to get over the nightmares. I saw a shrink twice a week for nearly two years after and I have never let him out of my sight unless I can't help it. We came to an agreement to speak to one another at least once a day; just to check in and so far he has kept up with that. I know Dr Regis helped him in the beginning, but she's back in LA, so we both use the same shrink here. Dr Johan. He's pretty good. I know Edward still speaks to him now and again. I still see him when the nightmares come back, but other than that, we're doing ok now" I looked up to find Emmett chewing on his bottom lip as if he had something else to say, but didn't know how. I placed my hand on top of his and waited for him to look at me
"What is it, Em?" I asked gently, wiping away my tears
"He-he left you a note that night" I watched as he pulled his wallet out of his pocket and reached in and retrieved a folded bit of yellowed paper. He sat in on the table in between us
"I saved it because I somehow knew you would need to read it one day. It seems that day has come. I have to go now, I've got a meeting with a contractor, but I'll leave it with you. It is yours after all" he stood and pulled me up with him and into another bear hug
"He's ok now, B. don't let the past keep you from the future, Baby Girl" I nodded into his chest. He released me and I watched as he made his way out of the café. I sat back down and stared at the folded note on the table, debating whether I wanted to read it or not. I sighed and then picked it up. I would read it, but not here.
I was glad I had the day free today as I'm pretty sure I would not be able to work in the office after that meeting. I unlocked my front door and stepped into my apartment. Edward was in meetings until 6pm and it was only 4pm now. I placed my keys on the table by my door and walked into the living room. I pulled out the note and gazed at it for a moment longer before I opened it. I took a deep breath before I started to read. I looked over it in whole before focusing on the words. Some of the words had tear drop splashes across them and I wondered if they were Emmett's or Edward's. I finally focused on the words and started reading
My Dearest Kitten
I don't know if you will ever read this, but if you do I hope you now know the truth of what happened between Tanya and me.
I only want to say that I am so very sorry. I'm sorry that you didn't trust me and our friendship enough to stay. I'm sorry that you didn't find it in your heart to forgive me enough to say goodbye and I'm sorry that you even had to leave in the first place.
I have not been the best guy there is in these last few years. I'm not the Edward you once knew and I don't know if I can be him again. I want to, oh so badly, but I'm not sure I can and for that I'm sorry too.
Today is my 21st birthday and today is the day I die. Well, only in body, really. My mind and heart died the day you left so all that is left is to get rid of the body too. Wish me luck! Do you remember our plans for our 21st birthdays? Ha! So many childish plans made and so many broken. But you know what? This is one plan that hurt the most to break. So guess what? I thought it would be fun to get drunk anyway! Hell, I've been doing it for so long already, I might as well do it right this time!
Anyway, I just wanted to say goodbye. I don't think I could do what you did and leave without at least that. So Goodbye, Kitten. I really do hope that you have a great life, meet a great guy and have great kids.
Look after Em for me; this will be hard on him. He's been my friend for so long and my brother even longer. He really has been a good brother, even if he does get on my last nerve sometimes! Tell him that I will always love him and thank him for always being there for me.
So…this is it…Thanks for being my friend, Kitten. I miss you everyday.
I love you!
Yours
Edward (Tiger)
I read and re-read the letter several times, the tears flowing freely down my face. The Edward in this letter sounded so angry, so confused and so…so empty. No, this wasn't my Edward. My head snapped up as I heard a throat clear in the doorway. There stood my Edward, gazing at me cautiously
"Hey Kitten, what are you up to?" I wiped away the lingering tears and smiled up at him, gesturing to join me on the couch. He walked over slowly, taking in my expression and the tear tracks on my cheeks
"Have you been crying?" I nodded
"Why, Baby?" he asked. I said nothing, but held up his note. I watched as he took it from hands and started to read it. I watched as his eyes widened as he read and snap back to meet my steady gaze
"Where did you get this?" he whispered
"Emmett. I met him for coffee today" his eyebrows shot up to his hairline in surprise
"And he just gave this to you?" he demanded
"Not exactly" I turned so that I facing him and took one of his hands in mine
"I asked him to tell me about his experience of your 21st and I wanted to apologise to him for putting him in that position"
"Bella, look at me" he tilted my face up by using his finger under my chin
"It's not your fault, Kitten. It never was. It was my decision to do that, not yours"
"But don't you see, Edward! If I hadn't left, you wouldn't have been in that state in the first place and Emmett would not have had to go through all of that!" Edward shook his head and leaned forward to rest his forehead on mine
"I could quite literally kill Tanya for doing this to us. I blame her, not you. Never you" he said softly. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his waist; he in turn wrapped his around mine. We sat like that for a long while. It wasn't until his stomach grumbled that I pulled back and laughed
"Hungry are we?" he laughed and nodded. I was glad for lightening of the moment
"How about we got out for dinner? I'm quite fancying Mexican" he said. I nodded eagerly and got up to get ready.
Half an hour later we left my apartment hand in hand. Edward whistled for a cab and lo and behold two pulled up. We laughed and got into the first one. We chatted the whole way downtown to El Paso's. As always it was easy and relaxed between us.
The cab deposited us outside the restaurant. Edward paid the cabbie and slide out before helping me out after. As always, the gentleman, Edward opened the door for me and placed his hand on my mower back to guide me in. we stopped before the hostess, who, I noted with anger, practically eye-fucked Edward in front of me. She swept her eyes up and down his body before flashing a smile at him, which I think she hoped, would be sexy and greeted us. I heard Edward snort softly beside me and wrap his arm around my waist, pulling me closer to his body. I smiled in fake sweetness at the bimbo
"Hi, Can we have a table for two, please?" I could feel, rather than hear, Edward chuckling silently beside me. The hostess blinked and focused her glare on me. I say glare because that's exactly what it was. We followed the slu-I mean hostess to a table towards the back and sat. She left us with a couple of menus but not before announcing that our server would be with us shortly and a wink at Edward. I nearly growled at the bitch when she did that. Edward was laughing silently
"What?" I snapped at him
"I'm sorry, Kitten, I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing with you" he said still chuckling. This time I did growl
"Do you see me laughing?" he stopped and stared at me for a moment, his green eyes darkening
"Did you just growl at me?" I nodded and blushed. He reached over and grabbed my hand
"That was the sexiest fucking thing I have ever heard" he stated, his so voice low and husky that it sent a shiver of pleasure through my body down to my private parts. I squirmed in my seat to stave off the sudden arousal. We had yet to have sex and Edward refused for it to be 'a quick fuck'. I'm not sure what that meant, but I was becoming increasingly frustrated and some small part of me was starting to wonder if he really wanted me in that way. We had not discussed it in any way since his birthday, but I knew that after our talk on the plane, I was beyond ready to express my love for him in a more physical way. I just wasn't sure if he felt the same and I was too scared to ask.
"Good evening, my name is Rachelle and I'll be your server tonight" I looked up and almost rolled my eyes. The server was staring straight at Edward as she spoke about the specials, completely ignoring me. Yes, she was also eye-fucking him. I sighed. I suppose I would have to get used to this. My man was exceptionally beautiful after all.
Thankfully she left after we ordered our drinks and main. A Chicken Burrito for me and a Steak Taco for Edward.
We chatted lightly as we ate. Making plans for the weekend. We were supposed to go over to the Cullen's and stay the night. They were hosting a BBQ for some of Carlisle's friends from the clinic and had invited all six of us to join them and spend the night. I was quite looking forward to it and I knew Edward was too.
We had just finished our food when my cell rang; I dug it out of my purse and shot Edward an apologetic look
"Hello?"
"You will pay, bitch" I heard Jacob rasp, I froze and shot Edward a panicked look. He immediately held out his hand for my phone
"Hello? Who is this?" Edward demanded
"Who the hell do you think you are? Leave my girlfriend alone, Jacob!"
"Yes, I said girlfriend!" I could only hear Edward's side of the conversation, but I could tell that whatever Jacob was saying was not pleasant and was doing nothing to calm the fury on Edward's face. I placed my hand over his and shook my head, pleading with my eyes for him to simply hang up. He did, but put in a parting shot first
"Listen, Ass, she is no longer your fiancé, she is my girlfriend, nor is she a possession you claim to own, but I will say this and I will only say it once, so listen carefully. She is mine. She has always been mine. She may have loved you once, but no longer. You are scaring her and if you ever, EVER, lay one finger in harm on her, I will hunt you down and end you. Understand, mutt?" with that he snapped the phone closed and handed it back to me. I sat stunned. I mean, Jacob had said the same words to me once, he had told me that I was his, and I had hated that thought. But when Edward said it, I felt a thrill of pure pleasure shoot through me. Edward stood and held out his hand for me. I looked up into his eyes, which were soft, but the clench in his jaw told me he was anything but relaxed.
We walked out of the restaurant hand in hand. I felt bad that our good mood had been ruined and to tell the truth, I was angry at Jacob for ruining it. I never should have answered the phone in the first place.