Sorry for the delay guys, I've now finished uni (woohoo!) and had my end of course exhibition in London last week. So glad I have more time to write fanfics now, but there are only two chapters left of this fic before the end! Again, R&R, it brightens my day!
AN: omg da new book iz kumming (My Potter books have only ever ejaculated magic. Nope? Sounded better in my head) out rlly soon I kant wait!1111. I fink dat snap will be really the same person as Volximort koz dey are both haff-blood so dat will explain y he kild dumblydore and he hated hairy!1111 (Oh how wrong you were!) nd den hairy wil have 2 kommit suicide so voldimort will die koz he will rilly be a horcrox!111 (Actually, she's turning into an oracle) omg I hope draco nd harry get 2getha dat will be so shmexxy, wont it? (Oh god, just when I think she's getting smarter, she says some stupid fangirl stuff like this) If dey don't den JKR is hamophobic!111111 (… big sigh) fangz 4 da help wiv facts, medusa u rok!111
I sat depressedly in Dumbledork's office wiv Hedwig, Satan, James, Serious, Snap and Lucian. Dumbledore was sitting in front of us cruelly. (How do you sit cruelly?) He looked more young den he did in da future. (To paraphrase Snape: "Years of life experiences have not been wasted on you. 'He looked more young than he did in da future'". OF COURSE YOU LOOK YOUNGER IN THE PAST!) He had taken da ipod away and wuz now lizzening 2 a shitty Avril Levine song. (The early albums were great, it all went downhill around the time of The Best Damn Thing)
"What da hell is this anyway?" he cackled meanly. I hoped he didn't find out dat I was frum another time.
"Whatever u do don't blame Ibony, u jerk." Satan said. (Satan, telling it like it is since he fell from Heaven)
"Yah, siriusly (BA DUM, DUM, TSSSSSH!) she was trying to get Satan and Hedwig back together." Serious said deviantly. (The Devil Fucks Owls, starring Anne Hathaway and Merryl Streep)
"Be quiet you Satanists." Dumbledore cockled. "If ur lucky I'll probably send u all to Akazaban! (Isn't that a Pokemon?) That will teach u to copolate in da Great Hall." He changed the song on da ipod 2 a n'Sync song. Suddenly I noticed sumfing strong about da Ipod. It was slowly chonging! Dumblydore didn't notece.
"You fucking poser." I muttoned.
"I bet you've never herd of GC." James said. Know I knew waht da iPod was chonging in2- Morti McFly's tim machine!11 (Oh sweet mother of god...)
"Shut up Jomes!" Drako's dad shouted.
"Yeah shut up!" Snake said preppily.
"No u shut up Dumblydore!1111" said Tom. (Wait... Tom, Satan, they're boh Voldemort, right? I've lost track)
"I've had enough of u Satanists in my school!" shouted Dumbledore spuriously.(So have I, kick them out!)
Suddenly I grabed da iPod from him. "Evry1! Jump in b4 itz 2 l8! (Evry1! Lrn 2 spell r8! That spells "rate", doesn't it?) I jumped in2 it. But only 1 odder person jumpd in. It was...Satan.
"You dunderheads!1111111111" screamed Dumbledore wisely as we went. (Actually, I got this one. He said it wisely because they actually are dunderheads. Well done)
I looked around. I wuz in da Slitherin conmen room wiv Satan. I was wearing a blak plaid miniskirt with hot pink fishnetz, a sexy blak MCR corset and blak stiletto boots with pink pentagroms on dem. My earrings were blake Satanist sins and my raven hair was all around me to my mid-black. (Shall I do this for what is most likely the last time? Okay... I'm wearing ¾ length/cut off jeans, an oversized Rolling Stones top and purple furry slipper boots. I'm wearing no makeup and my dirty-blonde fringe is pinned off my face while the rest of it reaches the middle of my back)
"Hey kool where iz dis?" he asked in an emo voice.
"Dis is da future. Dumbeldore's iPod dat he tried to take away from me wuz really also a tim machine." I told him.
"Kool what's an ipatch?" he whimpered. (Something pirates wear)
"It's somefing u use 2 lizzen 2 music." I yakked.
"OMFG kool wait whatz a 4-letter-wurd 4 dirt?" he esked in his sexah voice. (Wat?)
"Um I guezz sand?" I laid confuesdly.
"Yah I wuz just triinyg to make sure u were stil da same perzon." He triumphently giggled. (That was a foolproof way of checking you haven't been impersonated by a Death Eater. Really puts Arthur's "What do you like me to call you in bed?" and Kingsley's "What was the last thing Dumbledore ever said to us?" in the shade, huh?)
Suddenly some of my friends walked in. (Well, you are in the same house and you're in the common room, so...)
"OMG you're fucking alive!" said Ginny wearing a blak leather jocket, blak baggy pants and a goffik black Frum First to Last shirt. I explained 2 her why I was alive. (Because the rage of millions of angry readers cannot kill off a fictional character, no matter how hard we try?)
"Konichiwa, bitch." said Willow. (FUCKING SPAT ALL OVER MY LAPTOP SCREEN, LMAO!) She was wearing a blak corset showing off her boobs with lace all around it and red stipes on it. With it she waz wearing a blak leather miniskirt, big blak boots, white foundation, blak eyeliner, red eyeshadow, and blak lipstick. (Insert Willy Wonka "Please tell me more" meme here)
"Hey, motherfucker." Said Diabolo with his red hair. He waz wearing a black P?ATD t-shit and blak baggy pants.
"Hey whose that, Ibony?" B'loody Mary questioned as she walked in wearing a black t-shit with a red pentarom on it with lace at the bottom, red letther pants with blak lace, and black stolettoes.
"Oh its Satan." I told her and she nodded knowing da truth.
Suddenly Satan started to cry. (Voldemort cries? Maybe because he's realised how fucking OOC he's being and wants to be in the capable hands of Rowling?)
"Are you okay Satan?" we asked concernedly.
"OMFG ur from da future!1! What if u don't like m anymore koz were from difrent times?" he asked.
"No I still like you." I said sexily to him. (I don't even...)
"Ok." He said ressuredly. I let him lizzen 2 Teenagers by MCR on my ipod while I was about to go outside to find out some fingz. I gave Diabolo a signal to keep Satan occupied. Satan fell asleep. I took the iPod. I was about to walk outside. Profesor Sinister ran in!1111 She was wearing a gothic blak minidress with depressing blak stripes, white and blak stripped tights, and red converse shoes. She was wearing LOTS of blak iliner.
"Oh my fucking god, where's Draco!111 How did Snap get back here! I tohot he wuz in Azerbaijan." I asked sadly. (He was, he competed in the Eurovision Song Contest but no one voted for his rendition of "Caught Out There" by Kelis, and was given "nil pwa")
"Ebony I was so worried abott u but I know you can't fucking die because you're a vrompire. Snape came back because that girl Britney freed him. I never liked her she was a bad student." Trevolry said reassuredly. (And this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that you're a goth and she's a fucking prep, right?)
"That bitch!11 Did she also free Hargrid and Loopin?" I shouted angrily. I hated Britney because she was a fucking prep. (Theeeeeeeeeeeere you go)
"Yes they are on the loose at this school. Dumblydore is back Cornelia is on his way to help evry1. Tell evry1 u see to lock themselves in their conman room!" Trevolry said worriedly.
"OK. But where's Dracko? How cum he was doing it with Snap?" (Snaco shippers got their way?)
"I dunno why but I know he almost tried 2 commit suicide after he saw u almost kill urself." she said.
"OMG dat's terrible!" I gasped. Satan was still asleep, so he couldn't tell what was going on. Then I said "Lizzen evry1, I have sumthing imptent to do. in hr evry1 stay!" wiv dat I ran out.
"Good luck Tara!11" everyone cried. (Aaaaah, self-insertion. What a wonderful device!)
I ran sexily down the staris in2 da Grate Hall while da portraits around looked at me scaredly. There was hardly ne1 else in the stairs nd tere was an atmosphere of horrer. On da way I saw Britney laughing on da stairs. She was wearing a a slutty pink shirt wiv flowers on it, a blu jean skirt Abercromie and pink stiletoos. She looked jest like a pentagram of those fucking preps Hilery Duff and Lindsey Lohan.
"You fucking bitch!111" I shouted angrily.
"No, your totally a bitch. Now Voldemort will like totally kill u!" she laughed. (But he's asleep in the "commen" room!)
"Crucious!1" I shouted selectively pontificating my blak wand and she started screaming koz she was being tortured and I laughed sodistically.
"No!1 Help me!1 Please!1" Britney screamed terrifiedly.
I put up my middle finger at her. In her hand I saw da video camera Snape and Lumpin had used to take da video of me. I put the tape of Voldimort doing it with Hedwigg onto it. Then I continued to rown down the stairs with the camera. When I had reached da Grate Hall I saw Vampire Potter. "OMG Vampira!111" I yielded.
We hugged each udder happily. He locked at me wif his gothic red eyes and spiky blak hair. Around them were blak eyeliner and iShadow (Apple finally started to make cosmetics, such as "iMakeup" and "iLiner"). His He wus wearing a blak leather Jackson, ledder pants, a Panik at da Disko concert shirt and his blak congress shoes. He looked mor like Joel from Good Charlote than ever. (did u hear der song da river it rox!1)"I wus so worried you died!" moaned Vampire.
"I know but Im a vampire lol. When I woke up I wuz back in 1980, so neway I bought Voldimort from when he was yung with me." (Completely disregarding the canon events that happened to Voldemort during the 80s)
"Where's Draco?" I asked spuriously.
"Draco? You mean that fukking poser who betroyed you?" Vampir snarkled with anger in his sexy voice.
"I NO BUT WE HAV 2 FIND HIM." I SED SMARTY.
"I'll do it den." Harry said angstily.
"OK." I argreed. Suddenly...all da lights in da room went out. And den...da Dork Mark appeared.
"Oh my fucking satan!" Harry shouted.
"I fink Voldimort has arrivd." (He's in the fucking common room... DOES NO ONE PAY ATTENTION?) I sed anxiously. "Fuck, I have to find Draco!1 I guess we shood separate."
"Ok." Vampire sed diapperating. Sadly I ran into the Great Hall.