Disclaimer: Again I don't own. Stephenie Meyer owns. Well, apart from Anya and Killian, both of whom I think rock!
"Shit!" I hissed, dropping the cup as the scalding liquid poured on my hand. I shook my hand, trying to get as much of the hot coffee off as possible.
"Oh crap, are you okay?" I froze as I heard the dulcet tones that I'd come to love for such a long time. I looked up, seeing the cerulean blue eyes that had haunted me for the last four years. I felt my throat practically seize up as I saw him.
"Jasper."
. . . . . . . . .
We stood there staring at each other and I felt like I couldn't breathe. What was he doing here? Why was he here? In San Francisco?
Why? After five years, was he here?
"Are you okay?" He asked, his southern twang washing over me like velvet, the same way it had when we were together. There was nothing in his voice that even hinted that I had meant anything to him.
"Jasper, babe, you okay?" I glanced at the guy standing next to him, to see him looking at me, an eyebrow raised. "Can we help you?" I bristled at his tone, getting ready to put this little punk in his place.
"It's okay, Dem," Jasper smiled at him and I felt my heart seize. That was the same way he used to smile at me. I was the only one that he'd smiled at that way. "Don't worry about it. I know him." He looked at me again. "He's an old friend."
My breath caught in my throat and the cracks in my heart that had been weakly glued together blew open and I felt the same way that I had when I gotten home from the hospital five years ago and finding everything of Jasper's gone.
I didn't think I could ever feel that way again.
This was so much worse.
"Excuse me." I said softly, moving past them, my hand starting to throb slightly from the hot coffee that had spilled on it moments ago. I quickly made my way towards the door, blinking rapidly, not wanting any tears to fall while I was still here. I quickly made my way out of the coffee shop, realising that my phone was still in my hand and knowing Anya, she hadn't hung up.
"Hello?"
"Hello? Hello? Seriously? What the hell happened?" She was not happy and I stopped next to my car, taking a shaky breath. "Edward? Rogers, what's wrong?"
"He's here." I whispered and I heard her inhale. "I . . . I need Killian."
"Alright." She said softly and I heard my little boy in the background. He was asking Anya if she had any cookies and she took a moment to tell him that he couldn't have any until he had finished his sandwich. I smiled, picturing the pout on his face as he stomped back through into her kitchen. "Are you coming over?"
"Yeah." I sighed, running my hand through my hair, hissing as the burn came back to the forefront of my mind. I looked at it, seeing that it was already incredibly red. "I'll be there soon."
"Okay," she whispered and we said our goodbyes.
I quickly walked around the car and pulled out my car keys, unlocking the car and glancing up at the coffee shop, seeing Jasper walking out of the door, storming towards me, a furious look on his face. What the hell was he doing?
"What the hell are you doing here, Edward?" He growled and I blinked at him, wondering what the fuck he was talking about.
"Excuse me?" I glared at him as he stared at me, his eyes dark. "I didn't realise it was a crime to get a cup of coffee."
"I mean what are you doing here? In San Francisco." His voice was low, dark and I stood up straighter, wondering what the fuck his problem was.
"Not that it's any of your business but I live here. Have done for years." His eyes narrowed at my words and I found I didn't really care. "Why does it matter to you anyway? I'm sure your friend is missing you." His eyes widened a little at my words before he schooled his expression into one of nonchalance. "I don't owe you anything, Jasper. You left me, remember? You have no right to ask anything about me anymore."
I didn't say anything else as I opened my door and got into my car and quickly made my way out of the parking lot, not letting myself look in the mirror, not wanting to break down while driving. What was Jasper doing here? Why did he come here?
I forced myself to remain calm as I drove to Anya's, pulling up to her apartment building. She and Masen had two parking spots, one of which was free considering Masen was out of town until the morning. I parked, turning off the ignition, resting my hands on the steering wheel and resting my forehead on my hands. I felt the first traitor tears slide down my cheeks and that was all I needed. I let them loose.
I sat in my car for about ten minutes, letting myself feel the remnants of the heartbreak that had overtaken me in the weeks and months after Jasper left me, taking everyone I'd ever loved with me. I had thought that I had a handle on it since Killian had come along, that I could push it away and maybe meet someone else. But seeing him again made me extremely aware that that wasn't true.
He still held my heart and no matter how much I wanted to be able to piece it back together, he would always be around to shatter it with a single look or word.
I knew that he had become somewhat successful. I didn't make a habit of seeking him out or anything like that. It hurt too much to do that. But I knew that he had made a name for himself with some kind of medical technology or something like that. I didn't listen to it.
I didn't want to know.
It hurt too much.
I sniffed one last time before wiping my cheeks and taking a few deep breaths. I could imagine how pathetic I looked to the people walking around outside. A grown man, sitting in his car sobbing. If only they knew.
I looked in the mirror, noting that there was redness around my eyes and I knew that Anya would be able to tell straight away that I had been crying. I hoped that she would be able to keep Killian occupied for at least a little while so I could get myself together. I didn't need him knowing that Daddy was upset.
I climbed out of the car and made my way through the parking lot and into Anya's building. I smiled at the security guard, who smiled and nodded at me, knowing me because Killian and I were always in and out of the building. He, like everyone else that came into contact with my little boy, had fallen in love with Killian.
It was just the way he was.
I got into the elevator and hit the button that took the elevator up to Anya's floor.
She had the door open before I'd even knocked which made me believe that she had been waiting for the ding of the elevator. Her expression was worried as she looked at me and I knew that she had figured out that I had been crying. She was the one person I could never hide anything from.
Ever.
Sometimes I hated it but sometimes, like right now, I welcomed it.
"Oh, honey." She whispered, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around me tightly while pulling me into the apartment. She closed the door before holding me even tighter. "What happened?" I sniffed, pulling away from her and she grabbed my hand, leading me towards the couch. I looked around for Killian and she smiled. "He's in the guest bedroom, colouring." She knew I wouldn't want him to see me like this. "What happened?"
I took a deep breath. "I'd just got my order when I turned and he was just . . . there. I spilled my coffee everywhere." I showed her my hand and her eyes went wide. I didn't get a chance to say anything more before she was off the couch and into the kitchen. I pulled off my coat, wincing as the fabric pulled against the tender skin on my hand. She appeared a moment later, a towel in her hand, sitting down next to me. She gently took my hand, placing the towel on it and I hissed slightly at the cold. She must have wrapped some ice in it.
I held the towel wrapped ice to my hand, feeling the relief of the cold against my hot skin. I slowly told her exactly what had happened and her expression went from shocked when I told her how he'd referred to me as an old friend to outraged when I told her about how he'd followed me out and demanded to know why I was in San Francisco.
"How dare he?" She seethed and I sat back, knowing how explosive she could be when she was pissed off. Hell, her brother still carried a scar on his eyebrow from when he decided he was going to decapitate her Barbies when they were six. "He just shows up out of nowhere and demands to know why you're in the city? That fucking prick!" She turned to me, her expression softening as she looked at me. "I'm sorry, honey."
"Why are you apologising to me?" I asked, completely confused.
"Because . . . even though it's been such a long time since everything happened, it's clear you still love him." She said softly and I took a deep breath and nodded. I knew I still loved him. I always had and despite his actions and words today, I always would.
"I'm so pathetic." I moaned and she wrapped an arm around me. I rested my head on her shoulder and she rested her cheek on top of my head.
"No, you're not." She whispered, rubbing my arm gently. "He took your heart and didn't give it back. You can't help the way you feel."
I took a deep breath, sitting up and wiping my eyes gently. "I have to. I can't fall apart again. Not again. I have to push it all aside. For Killian." She nodded, her hand resting on her stomach gently. "He can't see me fall apart. It'll confuse him and it's not fair to him to put him through that."
"What are you going to do?" She asked, glancing towards the room where my son was blissfully ignorant of what was happening out here. And I wanted him to remain that way. I didn't want him to have to deal with what was going on, at least not until he was old enough to understand. He was bright for a four year old, already able to spell his own name and mine and write out the alphabet with practised ease but he wasn't able to understand what was going on. It would only upset and confuse him and I didn't want that to happen.
He was the only thing that mattered.
"Not fall apart." I said softly and she rolled her eyes. "I don't know."
"Are you going to tell him?" She asked and I looked at her sharply. She smiled at me sadly. "He's here, Edward. We don't know if he's living here or is just here for a little while but if he is here indefinitely, there's a chance that he could see Killian. Don't you think he's smart enough to figure it out?"
"Why would he?" I shrugged and she rolled her eyes again. "It's not something that's widely known. A lot of people believe it's bullshit."
"But we know it's not. If it was, Killian wouldn't be here." She was right about that. There were still a lot of people out there that didn't accept what had brought Killian into the world. But he was here and he was mine. That was all that mattered to me. "So, are you going to tell him?"
"I don't know." I sighed, leaning back into the couch, running my free hand through my hair. "I don't want to see him again. I don't know if I can handle seeing him again."
"You might have to." She was right. There was a chance that I could see Jasper again and just as high a chance that I would have Killian with me. I didn't want the two of them to meet any time soon.
I needed to be able to see and think of Jasper without breaking down before I even fathomed introducing him to my son.
No. That would not be happening for a long time.
If ever.
We didn't get a chance to talk any further before my little hurricane came rushing into the room, squealing when he saw me sitting there, jumping on me.
"Daddy, where there towel on your hand?" He asked, touching it gently before looking up at me.
"Daddy had an accident." I gently unwrapped the towel from around my hand and showed him what had happened to my hand. He gasped when he saw how red my hand was. It was starting to swell a little bit and Anya raised an eyebrow at me. I knew she was going to suggest that I go to the hospital to have it checked out. "This is why we're careful around hot liquid, okay?" He nodded, his eyes wide and I rewrapped the towel around my hand.
I pulled him up onto my lap, holding him to my chest and he leaned back into me. I pressed my nose into his hair and closed my eyes. His toddler smell calmed me down, grounding me.
He soon decided that he'd had enough of sitting still and ran back into the guest bedroom, grabbing some of the toys that Anya and Masen had for him before settling in the living room, completely oblivious to everything around him.
"How can I disrupt his life?" I asked Anya softly and she sighed, shaking her head, watching the little boy play. "I can't. I can't do that to him."
"What happens when he asks?" She asked, looking at me and I sighed, closing my eyes. "You know he's going to."
"I'll deal with that when it comes." I answered, meeting her eyes and she nodded, clearly not happy with my answer.
"How are you dealing with today?" She asked and I rolled my eyes, knowing that she wouldn't have let that drop.
"I don't know." I said quietly, toeing my shoes off and tucking my feet up underneath me. "I don't know how to deal with it. I didn't think I'd ever see him again. And I never thought that he'd ever refer to me as an 'old friend'. It's like . . . it's like what we had meant nothing to him. Like I meant nothing to him."
"I'm sure that's not true." She said softly, resting a hand on my arm.
"You didn't see him. You didn't see the way he looked at me." I shook my head, resting my head on the back of the couch, willing the tears that had begun building again away. "There was nothing there. It was like he was looking at a stranger."
"I'm sorry, Rogers." She whispered and I shook my head, looking down at Killian.
"It doesn't matter." I whispered back, watching as Killian looked up and grinned at me. "It doesn't matter anymore. Because I got something amazing out of that relationship. He might have taken everyone away from me, but he gave me the most amazing little person on the planet."
"You're right about that." She grinned and I stood up, unwrapping the towel from my hand, placing it on the coffee table. I realised that Anya had used those little frozen blocks she had. She said it was better than using actual ice cubes because they didn't melt and get water everywhere. I grabbed my coat and carefully slid it on, calling for Killian to do the same thing. He looked up at me, pouting and I raised an eyebrow at him.
He quickly took off into the guest bedroom to collect his jacket and shoes, leaving me grinning and Anya giggling. "What? It works."
"I swear, one day I'm going to find out why he does whatever you want him to do when you do that." She laughed and I tapped my nose, indicating for her to butt out and she held up her hands in surrender.
"Don't worry, when your little one comes along, you'll learn a trick or two to keep them in line." She shrugged, nodding slightly as she considered my words. I knew she would. Every parent had their little tricks.
"You should go to the hospital about your hand, Rogers." She said softly and I looked down at her. She was serious and I rolled my eyes. "Don't brush it off, Edward." Uh oh, I was in trouble. She used my actual name. "You need to get it checked out. It could get infected or something."
"I'm sure it's fine." I waved her off and she stared at me. "Alright, if there's something wrong in the morning, I'll go and get it checked out, okay?" She wasn't pleased by my answer but she knew that it was all she was going to get out of me. I didn't tell her that my hand was now throbbing and I really wanted to be able to pop a hell of a load of Tylenol and hope it goes away. "Killian, come on."
"Coming!" He ran into the room, shoes and jacket on and I was glad that I'd convinced him to wear his Velcro sneakers today. He didn't like wearing them, claiming that only babies wore Velcro shoes and he wasn't a baby anymore. I'd compromised with him and told him that if he could tie his laces up, then he could wear his lace-ups.
He couldn't do it.
So we were wearing Velcro sneakers.
It didn't take me long to get him out of the apartment and back home. He was more interested in what we were going to have for dinner and he jumped around excitably when I told him that we would be ordering in from a local Italian restaurant down the street. My hand was starting to really throb and I didn't feel like cooking. Thankfully, our favourite little restaurant delivered and it was healthy food as well. I went into the bathroom, reaching up into the medicine cabinet and grabbing the Tylenol and shaking a couple out. I shoved them in my mouth, leaning over the sink and drinking straight from the tap, swallowing the pills. I sure as hell hoped to god that they worked. And soon.
Killian sat happily telling me about his day with Anya, his legs swinging as he sat on his booster seat at the table as we ate our dinner. I couldn't help but smile at my son, brushing some of his hair out of his eyes. Everyone said that he looked exactly like me and I had to admit, there was no mistaking that he was mine. With his unruly copper hair and bright green eyes, he was clearly my little boy but there were things in him that others didn't see.
Getting him into bed was always a struggle and tonight was no different. He tried to run when it was bathtime but the main thing working against him was that he always hid in the same place, meaning that I could just grab him and get him in there once it was full.
I left him, singing in the bath as he played with the bath toys Masen and Anya had gotten him, stating that they were too cute to leave.
Getting him into his pj's was always an interesting time. I had to practically wrestle them onto him as he squirmed and giggled. Thankfully, he'd always been this way and I was very well practised in the art of getting Killian ready for bed. Once they were on, he settled down and I threw the covers back, waiting for him to drop down and turn over onto his back, giggling.
"Baby star!" He laughed as I tucked him in, kneeling down next to the bed.
"Alright." I smiled at him and he giggled again, shuffling down in bed as I started in a soft voice. "Once there was a baby star,
He lived up near the sun.
And every night at bedtime, that baby star just wanted to have some fun.
He'd shine and shine and fall and shoot and twinkle oh, so bright.
And he said, 'Mommy, I'll run away if you make me say goodnight'.
And his mommy kissed him on his sparkly nose and said,
'No matter where you go, no matter where you are,
No matter how big you grow or if you stray far.
I'll love you forever because you'll always be my baby star'."
He smiled at me sleepily and I smiled down, running my fingers through his hair, leaning forward and kissing him on his nose before he giggled and gave me an Eskimo kiss. I kissed his forehead before standing up, walking around his bed and turning on the small nightlight he had at the foot of his bed. I walked to the door, turning to look at him as he wriggled down into the covers, smiling at me sleepily.
"Night, Daddy." He said softly and I smiled.
"Night, baby." I whispered, turning off the light and closing the door just to so that there was a small strip of light in his room. He wasn't necessarily scared of the dark but it made him nervous.
I quickly made my way downstairs and made sure that everything was locked up and the alarm was set before turning off all the lights and making my way upstairs.
I changed and crawled into bed, leaving my door slightly open in case little four year old feet decided to wander down the hallway. It wasn't unusual for me to wake up and find him in bed with me. In fact, it was more often than not he ended up in my room.
I closed my eyes, trying to get the thoughts that had been flying through my mind out of my head so I could sleep. I couldn't help but wonder why Jasper was in San Francisco. I turned over, closing my eyes and thinking of my baby boy instead. Everything he did made me smile and part of me wanted him to stay that small forever. I wanted him to stay innocent. I never wanted him to know the pain of heartbreak. I didn't want him to go through the hurt that I had.
I must have drifted off to sleep because I was woken sometime later by something. I couldn't figure out what it was. I lay there for a moment, listening. Killian was curled up behind me but that wasn't new. It hadn't woken me up for a while, my body obviously used to the little intruder.
I sat up as I heard someone banging on the front door. I quickly looked down at Killian, seeing that he hadn't moved, not disturbed at all by the noise coming from downstairs.
I grabbed my robe, carefully getting out of bed, not wanting him to wake up as I quickly and quietly made my way out of the room, wanting to find out who the hell was banging on my front door at – I checked the clock in the living room as I walked downstairs – two am.
"Alright, alright, I'm coming." I muttered as I walked over to the door, opening the door, freezing as I saw the person standing on the other side of the door, looking extremely pissed. "What the hell do you want?"
. . . . . . . . . . .