Happy Halloween, everybody! In honor of this spooky time of year, I hope you're ready for a match-up between two of the freakiest comic book villains of all time…let's get to it!
*NOTE: I do not own Deadliest Warrior, Marvel comics, or DC comics (I feel like I'm beating a dead horse saying that). Everyone in this story except Geoff Desmoulin, Max Geiger and Armand Dorian are not real. Any suggestions, comments, etc. may be PM'd directly to me. I assure you that I will get back with you.
Anything spoken by the oh-so-awesome Narrator (David Wenham) will be in ITALICS.
Deadliest Villain: Green Goblin vs. Penguin
As the show begins, we see a man with green, knobby skin and pointed ears wearing a purple hat, vest, gloves and boots. He smiles wickedly as he holds a device that looks like a small jack-o'-lantern.
The Green Goblin: the deranged criminal psychopath known the world over for creating havoc and explosive chaos wherever he goes.
We see the Green Goblin flying above a large crowd of people on the streets on his Goblin Glider, then dropping a Pumpkin Bomb amongst them.
We now see a short, squat man with a very large nose in a top hat and tuxedo. He twirls an umbrella and points it at the camera.
The Penguin: the eccentric criminal mastermind world-renowned for his love of ornithology and shady business dealings.
We see the Penguin assassinating a rebellious gang member with a shot from one of his gun umbrellas.
WHO…IS…DEADLIEST?
We now see a montage of numerous comic book-themed weapons being tested.
To find out, our world-class fighters are testing the villains' most lethal weapons. Using 21st-century science, we'll see what would happen if the two villains went toe-to-toe—no rules, no safety, no mercy. Supervillain vs. Supervillain. Marvel vs. DC. It's a duel to the death, to decide who is…
THE DEADLIEST VILLAIN!
As the title sequence ends, we find ourselves back in the old fight club.
Welcome to the fight club, a high-tech battle zone where the very foundations of time and space are convoluted to create a world where reality and the comic book universe converge. Here, we've assembled scientists, E.R. doctors and weapons experts, then turned them loose with an arsenal of weapons that any comic book aficionado would cut off his right arm for. It's all to create a fight between two legendary supervillains: the Green Goblin, the chartreuse psychopath who has created havoc for Spider-Man since the hero first swung onto the scene; versus the Penguin, the vile mob ruler whose masterful tactics and gadgets have made him a thorn in Batman's side for many years.
Green Goblin Stats
Real name: Norman Osborn
Ht: 5'11"
Wt: 185 lbs
Gear: 22 lbs
Armor: Chainmail undersuit
Superpowers: Superhuman strength, stamina and reflexes, mild regenerative abilities
Penguin Stats
Real name: Oswald Cobblepot
Ht: 5'2"
Wt: 159 lbs
Gear: 14 lbs
Armor: None
Superpowers: Assorted bird- and umbrella-related paraphernalia, expert judo skills
Biomedical scientist and karate black belt Geoff Desmoulin will rig the equipment that will be used to test the weapons.
"I'll be applying my scientific and mechanical knowledge to analyze these two guys' equipment and fighting styles," Desmoulin explains. "These villains both play down and dirty, and they both bring very unconventional weapons to the table. This one is definitely gonna get ugly."
E.R. doctor Armand Dorian will determine the killing power of each weapon and tactic.
"What's interesting for me is that I get to apply my medical knowledge to each of these strange weapons," the doctor comments. "I'll tell you which weapons would cause concussions, which ones cause lacerations, and which ones will flat-out kill."
And computer programmer Max Geiger will input the data into a computer simulation program that will determine the winner in a one-on-one battle.
"Today, we have the Green Goblin squaring off against the Penguin," Geiger comments. "These guys couldn't be more different—one is a psychopathic mass-murderer, the other, while he is pure evil, is completely in his right mind. It'll be interesting to see how this one plays out."
We now see a middle-aged man with dark brown hair and a scruffy beard wearing glasses. He's inspecting a nasty-looking device shaped like a bat.
Providing background data for the Green Goblin's life: Ben Urich. A former investigative journalist for the Daily Bugle, Urich used covert information-gathering to expose the Green Goblin's identity.
"The Goblin is an absolute psychopath," Urich explains. "And that's what makes him so dangerous. He will kill his adversary with a smile on his face, with no remorse for his actions."
We now see a fit man with short black hair and pointy ears wearing a dark blue uniform and golden trident belt. He's wearing a pair of purple gloves as he throws punches at the camera.
Wielding the Goblin's weapons: Namor the Sub-Mariner. Namor recently helped bring about the Goblin's capture by faking an alliance with him known as the Cabal.
"The Goblin is the deadliest villain because he's so unpredictable," Namor admits. "He will stab anyone in the back to get what he wants from them."
Harry Osborn was originally the wealthy and well-respected head of the Osborn Industries firm. Gifted in the fields of science, he covertly created a chemical that was to give him super strength and intelligence. After taking the formula that granted him these abilities, however, his mind was also warped, and the destructive force of the Green Goblin emerged, hell-bent on becoming the leader of organized crime in New York. His ultimate goal? Defeat Spider-Man.
"It's not even a fair fight, really—Goblin would kill Penguin all day," Urich boasts. "He's got better technology, better fighting skills, and he's a lot nastier."
But our Penguin experts believe that the Bumbershoot Bandit will come out on top today.
We see a young woman with long brown hair wearing a dark purple costume, cape, and mask. She points an umbrella at the camera, pressing a button to reveal a blade that shoots out from the tip of the umbrella.
Fighting for the Penguin: the Huntress, Helena Bertinelli. Huntress has crossed paths with Penguin several times, and even almost killed him on one occasion.
"The Penguin is a despicable piece of sh**," Huntress remarks. "He's one of the meanest of the mean, and he's not afraid to shove an umbrella up your ass if you piss him off."
We now see an older man in glasses, with a white mustache and hair. He's seated at a table as he inspects a few of Penguin's weapons.
Providing tactical analysis of the Penguin's life and tactics is Gotham City Police Commissioner James Gordon. A close friend of the Batman's, Gordon has helped the Dark Knight uncover some of the Penguin's most corrupt schemes and plots.
"The Penguin isn't like most of the villains Batman's faced," the Commissioner tells us. "He's in his right mind. That makes him especially dangerous because he makes informed, calculated decisions when he fights."
Oswald Cobblepot was teased as a child due to his appearance, which also set him apart from his aristocratic family. These traits and rejections hardened him, and he vowed revenge on those that mocked him. Adopting the name of "Penguin" due to his love of birds and squat, tuxedoed stature, Cobblepot soon joined up with a feared criminal gang in Gotham City, soon moving up the ranks to control an empire worth over $2 million.
"Penguin's a bastard, but that's what makes him so deadly," Gordon admits. "He's slick, he's resourceful, and he will stab you in the back to get what he wants."
These two nefarious villains are undoubtedly deadly despite their different fighting styles, but which one would best the other in one-on-one combat?
"I'm giving this one all to the Green Goblin," Desmoulin admits. "He has a lot more technologically advanced weaponry, plus he's got no remorse for his opponents. That'll take the game for him in the long run."
"I gotta go with the Penguin in this one," Dr. Dorian confesses. "Goblin, while he has some impressive weaponry, is a psychopath. We've seen before that psychotic behavior can cost a person the battle—it happened to Ivan the Terrible, and I think it'll happen to the Green Goblin."
The Goblin and the Penguin both have one thing in common…they have lethal weaponry. And the Goblin's favorite weapon for causing damage?
We see the Goblin flying through the air on his signature transport device.
The Goblin Glider: a special rocket-powered transport device armed with razor-sharp edges.
The Deadliest Warrior guys are now in front of a table full of nasty-looking weapons used by the Green Goblin. Ben Urich has the Goblin Glider in his hands as he explains to the guys its benefits:
"Now the Goblin can't fly, so he travels around on this. This is a specially-made stainless steel personal transport device…it's powered by three rocket boosters here on the back, and here at the front are two missile launchers that can fire heat-seeking mini-explosives."
"The edges look pretty sharp on this thing, too," Desmoulin observes.
"Oh yeah," says Urich. "These edges are razor-sharp, and they can hack a person in half if there's enough force behind the Glider."
"And that's something I want to see tested for sure," Max affirms.
To test the Glider's killing potential, our team heads out to the firing range, where a special test is set up.
"Okay, we've got three ballistics gel torsos set up out there," Desmoulin explains to Ben and Namor as Geoff, Dr. Dorian and a few extras set up the targets downrange. "Namor, you're gonna come flying in on that Goblin Glider, just like the Green Goblin, and we'll see how many targets you'll be able to kill."
"Let's do it," Namor says.
Namor stands at the ready on the Goblin Glider as Urich and the hosts stand at a safe distance.
"Ready, Namor?" Desmoulin asks.
"Ready!" Namor shouts.
"On three, two, one…SLICE 'EM!"
Namor rockets toward the three gel torsos with the Goblin Glider. The Glider slices into the first torso's chest as it passes, leaving a very deep wound, and does a similar number to the second torso, leaving a diagonal slice from its right armpit up to its left shoulder. The third torso is hit in the neck with the Glider's sharp edge, causing a near-decapitation wound that sees the head barely hanging onto the body as it snaps backward from the impact of the hit.
"WHOO, YEAH!" Geoff cheers as blood squirts from the torsos and the third torso's head falls backwards off the body.
The Goblin Glider is a lethal weapon, as admitted by Dr. Dorian as he steps in to assess the damage.
"This is incredible," Dr. Dorian says. "Heck, that thing caused three kill strikes in under two seconds. These guys are literally watching their blood and parts of their lungs and heart just get sliced right out of their body, and this third guy? The last thing he sees is the Goblin flying away on that Glider as his head falls to the ground and he loses consciousness and dies."
"Three kills in two seconds—that's one of the fastest killing weapons we've seen on this show," Desmoulin tells the Green Goblin experts.
Namor bends down and picks up the gel torso's head he decapitated with the Goblin Glider earlier. "See this?" he asks Huntress and the Commissioner as they approach the test site. "This is what'll be left of the Penguin's ugly head once this battle's over."
"Blah, blah, blather on," Huntress says, rolling her eyes. "Penguin had been in worse fights than against your precious little Green Nincompoop. He knows how to handle himself."
Though the Penguin is versed in hand-to-hand combat, he relies on many tiny henchmen to do some of his dirtiest work at a distance.
We see the Penguin sending a flurry of various species of birds at a group of police to cause a distraction as he makes his getaway.
Highly trained Birds: fearless feathered creatures that can strike at any time.
The team is now outside, and the Commissioner and Huntress are standing in front of a large cage full of different types of birds as Huntress explains to the team about them:
"There are two things the Penguin is well-known for…umbrellas and birds. And he uses just about any type of bird you can think of."
"Where does he get so many birds?" Max asks.
"Some, he just gets them right out of the wild," the Commissioner explains. "There are others we know he's stolen from the Gotham Zoo, and we also know he breeds birds as a hobby."
"Well, we've tested an elephant before, but we've never tested birds," Desmoulin admits. "And since there are so many types of birds, we'll probably just need to hit the main types that the Penguin uses."
The team is now seen placing several gel torsos inside the large cage of birds.
To test some of the Penguin's most commonly used birds, our team places a group of ballistics gel torsos inside a cage of the feathered creatures.
"All right, we've got three torsos inside there, and the birds will attack on your signal. Understand?" Geoff shouts. An animal trainer next to the cage gives a thumbs-up. A few seconds later, he whistles and clicks his teeth, and the various species of birds flock to the gel torsos. Then, like a scene right out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie, they begin pecking and clawing at the gel torsos wildly. A few seconds later, the birds pull back, and the torsos are now covered with blood and lacerations, and their eyes are gouged out.
"WHOO! Go birds!" Geoff cheers.
"Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!" Max joins in.
After the damage is done, the trainer calms the birds down, and the team bring the gel torsos out of the cage so Dr. Dorian can examine them.
"You know that old movie The Birds?" Dorian asks as he examines one torso. "That's what this damage reminds me of…those birds just completely ripped open this guy's flesh and exposed his internal organs, and to top it off, they've gouged out this guy's eyes. This is one of the most brutal massacres by an animal I've ever seen in my career."
We now see the same animal trainer leading a large bird with a blue head and black feathers onto the firing range on a leash.
The Penguin also owns what many consider the deadliest bird on the planet.
"This is a cassowary," the Commissioner says. "They live in Australia, and they're the most dangerous birds on the planet…they've been known to kill people with those razor-sharp talons."
"This is gonna be an interesting test," Geiger predicts.
The team leads in a new ballistics gel torso, and the trainer leads the cassowary up to it.
Using a fresh ballistics gel torso, our trained cassowary will show the team what it can do.
"All right, on your go," Geoff tells the animal trainer.
The trainer makes some whistling and clicking noises, and suddenly the cassowary kicks the torso in the stomach with its long, strong legs, raking open the gut with its talons. After a few seconds of swift kicks, the team steps in to assess the damage.
"Okay, this is a definite kill strike," Dr. Dorian says as he steps in to examine the bloody torso. "That bird is like a velociraptor or something, coming in with those claws and just ripping its enemy apart. You've hit the intestines, the kidneys, and parts of the liver. If this guy doesn't get to a hospital, he's gonna die for sure."
But which special weapon will give its user an edge in battle?
"The Goblin Glider takes it, hands down," Desmoulin says to the camera. "It can kill more swiftly than the birds can, and the Goblin also has a better chance of fleeing from the birds than Penguin does at fleeing from the Glider."
For special weapons, the edge goes to Green Goblin for the Goblin Glider. But this match is only starting to get nasty, as both villains are ready to unleash their medium-range tools of destruction. And for Goblin, nothing is better at dealing death at a distance than:
We see Goblin throwing a pair of sharp boomerangs at Spider-Man as the web-slinger gives chase.
Razor Boomerangs: sharp-edged throwing tools that can hack a man's limbs off.
We're back inside, and Namor and Urich are at the table of Goblin's weapons with the Deadliest Warrior hosts. Urich explains to them about the Razor Boomerangs:
"These were specially made by the Green Goblin to take out opponents at a distance. These travel end-over-end when thrown, and they're basically like ninja stars…they always hit point-first."
"We've tested a lot of throwing weapons on this show, but we've never tested any type of boomerang," Geiger admits. "Do these really come back after you throw them?"
"Well, they are boomerangs," Namor replies. "As long as you throw them correctly and they don't stick in your target, they'll come back all day long."
To test the Boomerangs, our team sets up a new target for Namor to take aim at.
"Namor, are you ready?" Geoff asks.
"Yes, sir!" Namor replies.
"On three, two, one…THROW IT!"
Namor throws the Razor Boomerang at the foam torso on Geoff's word, slicing into the torso's stomach. As blood begins to pour out of the wound, the boomerang returns to Namor, and he throws it a second time at the torso. This time, the boomerang embeds itself in the target's neck.
"All right!" Geoff shouts as the Boomerang makes contact the first time.
The Razor Boomerang is a great projectile weapon, but is the damage done by it enough to kill? Dr. Dorian steps in to examine the damage.
"Okay, this first strike hit the stomach," Dr. Dorian begins. "That hits the intestines, gonna cause a lot of bleeding, but it won't kill right away. However, this next shot hit the neck—that severs the jugular vein, and if he doesn't do something to stop this bleeding immediately, this guy's a goner."
"This is one of the best weapons Goblin has in his arsenal because he can use it over and over again," Namor brags as the Penguin team comes up behind him.
"Well, it did take you two shots to take out the target," Huntress observes. "Penguin's a lot stronger than he looks…he might be able to close the distance without actually getting killed with this."
And the Penguin has his own way of dealing with his rivals.
We see the Penguin kicking open a door to reveal a rival gangster in a bathtub. He aims his umbrella at the naked man and fires a bullet from it, shooting the man right between the eyes.
The Umbrella Gun: a vicious surprise hidden inside a simple accessory.
The Commissioner is now holding a black umbrella as Max and Dr. Dorian stand nearby. He begins to explain to the guys about the deadly parasol:
"This is the one thing the Penguin never travels anywhere without…his umbrella. It's a necessity on a rainy day, and it also doubles as a cane."
"I don't see how that would compete with the Goblin's Boomerang, though," Max says, clearly unimpressed.
"Well, just hold on," Gordon continues. "Built right into the shaft of this umbrella is a .35 caliber rifle that can hold up to ten bullets. Penguin has wounded and even gunned down a few members of the Gotham Police Force with an umbrella just like this one."
"Well, that's certainly a different way to use an umbrella," Max admits. "Let's go see what it can do."
To test the Umbrella Gun's power, our team sets up a foam torso that will mimic the gun would do to an actual human body.
We now see everyone standing in the indoor firing range. Commissioner Gordon has the Umbrella Gun in his hand as he prepares to shoot the torso in front of him.
"Are you ready, Commissioner?" Geoff shouts.
"Ready, sir," Gordon replies.
"On three, two, one…FIRE!"
On Geoff's word, Gordon pulls the trigger on the Umbrella Gun, firing a single bullet into the torso's chest. Blood begins to pour out of the wound made by the gun, but the Commissioner now takes aim at the torso's head, blowing it completely off with his second shot.
"WHOOO!" Geoff cheers.
"Oh yeah!" Max agrees.
The damage done by the Umbrella Gun is devastating.
"I don't even need to tell you guys that this guy is dead," Dr. Dorian says. "One bullet right through the heart, the second one blew the head completely off…this guy is done."
Despite the damage done, our Green Goblin team isn't that impressed.
"Hey, Goblin wears bulletproof chainmail," Urich says. "There's no way that this weapon can get through…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa…bulletproof chainmail?" Geoff interrupts. "We've tested chainmail on this show before, and I can attest it is not bulletproof."
"Well, you haven't tested the Goblin's chainmail," Urich replies. "I say this gun won't even penetrate the stuff."
"We'll see about that," the Commissioner says.
The team sets up a fresh foam torso, but this time, it has been fitted with the Goblin's signature purple chainmail.
To test the bullet-stopping power of the chainmail, our team sets up a fresh target. Under the chainmail, the team has placed a load cell that will determine if any bones under the chainmail will have been broken by the bullet's impact.
"On your go," Geoff tells the Commissioner.
"Fire in the hole!" Gordon shouts before firing the umbrella gun. The bullet exits the gun and hits the chainmail-covered dummy in the chest. A shock wave travels through the dummy as it snaps back, but the bullet appears to have deflected off the chainmail. Nonetheless, blood looks to be trickling down the torso's stomach.
"All right!" Geoff says.
Did the Umbrella Gun penetrate the Green Goblin's chainmail?
"Well, gentlemen, I've got some good news and some bad news," Geoff says to Ben and Namor as he approaches the bloody, chainmail-covered torso. "The good news is that you were right—this chainmail actually stopped the bullet from penetrating. The bad news is that the bullet actually packed enough power to deliver about 150 pounds of pressure on this torso's chest. That's enough to break several ribs, and maybe even the sternum if it hits right in the center here. Plus, there are parts of this chainmail that actually came off and embedded themselves in the chest, so that's what you see causing the bleeding coming out right here."
"Looks like all your talk was a lot of hot air, gentlemen," the Commissioner says.
"Well, Goblin also has his healing factor," Ben reminds the team. "He would definitely heal himself of these broken bones and bruises, and come back and win this fight."
"Yeah, it sounds like you're trying to backpedal against the evidence right here in front of us, dude," Max says, shaking his head. "Goblin chainmail vs. Umbrella Gun, Umbrella Gun wins hands-down."
Ben isn't giving up, but the numbers don't lie. For medium-range weapons, the Penguin gets the edge for his high-caliber umbrella. But our villains are now ready to unsheathe their close-range killers, and the Green Goblin's favorite weapon for getting up-close and personal:
We see the Green Goblin grabbing an innocent victim by the throat and sending a powerful jolt of electricity through the man's body through his gloves.
The Electro Gloves: 10,000-volt gauntlets of destruction.
We see Namor wearing a pair of purple gloves as Geoff, Max and Dr. Dorian stand nearby. Namor starts to explain all about the gloves:
"These are the Green Goblin's gloves," he says. "These are laced with electrical impulses, and will render anybody unconscious if they touch them."
"Looks like it's time to bring out the living targets again," Geoff says reluctantly.
"He's not gonna be happy about it, though," Max tells Geoff.
Max and Geoff are now seen practically dragging our old buddy the ninja into the testing area.
To test the knockout power of the Electro Gloves, our team has brought in a willing subject.
The ninja is seen giving a very familiar single-fingered gesture to the narrator.
"Namor, are you ready?" Geoff shouts.
"Ready!" Namor says as the ninja shakes his head 'no'.
"On three, two, one…SHOCK HIM!"
On Geoff's word, the ninja tries to flee, but Namor grabs him by the shoulder with the Electro Gloves. The ninja begins convulsing violently as the electricity courses through his body. A few seconds later, he falls onto the floor, having spasms every few seconds.
"Whoa!" Desmoulin says, and he and Max rush to help the ninja out. "Are you alright, Yoshi?"
The ninja just lays there, convulsing every few seconds. Finally, he shakes his head and, with the Doctor's help, gets to his feet.
"He's fine," Dr. Dorian says as he helps the ninja up. "I think he may not be able to hear anything for a few days, though…"
The Electro Gloves are a great stunning weapon, but their electric pulses are deemed too weak to kill unless they're used repeatedly.
"Those Gloves are just a little parlor trick," the Commissioner tells us. "The Joker's done it a thousand times…the Penguin's got something much more lethal."
Penguin's close-quarters weapon is yet another weapon disguised as a simple umbrella.
We see the Penguin shoving a bank guard back into a wall and stabbing him through the gut with a blade on the tip of his umbrella.
The Umbrella Sword: a must-have accessory for a rainy day.
The Commissioner and Huntress are now standing next to Geoff and Max. Commissioner Gordon has the Umbrella Sword as he begins to explain how it works:
"Guns aren't the only thing Penguin builds into umbrellas—he also has several umbrellas with deadly sharp blades on the tip. This blade is made of solid steel, and can cut like a ginsu."
"Well, our ninja's just turned in his resignation, so it's a good thing we can't test this on living people," Desmoulin says, looking back at some stagehands putting a "Help Wanted" sign on the fight club window.
To test the Umbrella Sword, Huntress will demonstrate its piercing power on the closest thing to human flesh—a pig carcass.
"Are you ready, Huntress?" Desmoulin asks.
"Ready as I'll ever be," Huntress replies, standing at the ready with the Umbrella Sword.
"On three, two, one…STAB IT!"
Huntress presses a button on the Umbrella, revealing the blade from the tip, then stabs the hanging pig carcass with the blade, leaving a nasty-looking puncture wound. She keeps stabbing the suspended pig, and blood pours from the dead animal's body as Huntress places about seven stab wounds all over the pig.
"Yeah!" Geoff shouts as Huntress makes a pincushion out of the pig. When she finally stops, Dr. Dorian steps in to examine the carnage.
"Well, you've definitely hit some significant arteries with that sword," he says. "Looks like you've also punctured one of the lungs—that's gonna further incapacitate this guy along with all this mess you've caused. But with all these shots you've made, though, I'd say it all equals a kill strike."
"This is a nasty weapon alright," Huntress adds.
Both weapons pack nasty punches, but which weapon will give its villain the important edge in close-combat?
"Umbrella Sword, all the way," Desmoulin tells Geiger and Dr. Dorian. "The Electro Gloves aren't really lethal unless you shock somebody continuously with them. With the Umbrella Sword, it's one hit, one kill."
"Agreed," Dr. Dorian says. "You can survive an electric shock. If that Umbrella Sword hits you in the wrong place, you're dead meat."
"I guess it's unanimous—edge to the Umbrella Sword," Max says, confirming it.
For close-range weapons, the edge goes to the Penguin for his Umbrella Sword. But our villains have yet to unleash their most explosive weapons of all. And the Green Goblin's favorite explosive weapon is his most deadly accessory of all.
We see the Goblin throwing a jack-o'-lantern-shaped bomb into a crowd of frightened people.
The Pumpkin Bomb: a handheld havoc-inducer.
Namor and Ben are back on the firing range with Max, Geoff and Dr. Dorian. Namor holds a Pumpkin Bomb in his hand as he explains how it works:
"This could well be the most dangerous thing the Goblin carries around—they're very lightweight, and they'll explode with the slightest touch."
Namor pitches the Pumpkin Bomb about ten feet behind him. Fortunately, the bomb isn't filled with anything, and it simply crumples like torn paper when it touches the ground.
"If that was filled with gas, we'd all be knocked out," Namor says. "If it was filled with incendiary materials, this place would go up in flames in a few seconds."
"Okay, it's a dangerous weapon, no doubt about it," Max says. "But let's see if those incendiary contents the Goblin usually fills them with could actually kill somebody."
The Pumpkin Bomb is a deadly weapon that can kill both opponent and user, so our team has brought in a bomb expert to test the fiery grenades.
The hosts, Namor and Ben are now seen standing at a safe distance, while the bomb expert carefully and tediously rigs the Pumpkin Bomb to explode next to a group of three ballistics gel bodies. After a few finishing touches, he quickly slinks away, and gives the team a thumbs-up signal that he's finished.
"All right, he's done…here we go!" Dr. Dorian says as he presses the button. A split-second later, a surprisingly quiet explosion occurs around the test area, sending a massive cloud of fire and black smoke into the air. A few seconds later, we see the gel torsos burning in the flaming wreckage.
"Yeah!" Geoff and Max cheer as Dr. Dorian claps.
The Pumpkin Bomb is a deadly weapon, and our team's investigation of the aftermath confirms it.
"This is one of the deadliest explosive weapons I've ever seen," Desmoulin admits. "Look at that guy; his entire chest cavity is gone!" he says, pointing to an unfortunate gel torso.
"No question about it; these guys are all dead," Dr. Dorian says. "Nothing could survive an explosion like what we just saw."
But despite the Pumpkin Bomb's power, our experts aren't impressed.
"That's quite the powerful bomb," Commissioner Gordon says, clapping slowly. "But you said it yourself—if you handle it even slightly incorrectly, it'll blow up in your hand. And if that happens, you're a goner."
"Plus, the Penguin's got explosives, too," Huntress says.
The Penguin also uses an unconventional explosive weapon:
We see a crowd of people gather around a strange-looking bird figurine that is squawking rapidly. Suddenly, the bird explodes, sending the people flying.
The Penguin Robot Bomb: an innocent-looking toy bird that packs a deadly surprise.
Huntress is now out on the firing range with Max, Geoff and Dorian. By her side is a knee-high penguin statue, and she begins to explain to the guys what it is:
"This is a very deceiving weapon," Huntress says. "It looks just like a little toy penguin, but it's actually packed with a lethal dose of Semtex plastic explosive. Penguin can activate it from afar, and it's got enough blast power to kill anybody within a 15-foot radius."
"All right, it's a covert weapon," Max admits. "But let's see if it can kill as far as you say it can."
Huntress is now seen setting up the Penguin Robot Bomb in another spot on the range, with three foam torsos surrounding it at various distances.
To test the Penguin Bomb, our team has set up three targets at five, ten, and fifteen feet away. Shock patches on the targets will determine if the blast from the bomb has killed them.
Huntress races back to the safe area, where the Commissioner and our hosts are already positioned.
"All right, Doc, let 'er rip!" Geoff says.
Dr. Dorian presses the button, and the little Penguin Bomb begins squawking slowly and flapping its flippers. The team watches as the squawking and flapping gets louder and faster, and after about ten seconds, the Penguin Bomb explodes, sending shrapnel out about fifteen feet in all directions and blowing a chunk of one of the foam torsos' heads off.
"Yeah!" Geoff cheers as Max and Dr. Dorian clap.
A nasty blast—but was it enough to kill all the targets?
"All right, let's see here," Desmoulin says to the others as they appear on the scene to analyze the damage done. "No need to analyze this first guy—half his face is gone. This guy's dead for certain. Let's go check the second guy out…the 100G patch is tripped, so the shock wave got this guy, too. And let's see here, the third guy…well, the 50G patch is tripped, but the 100G patch is not. This guy's disoriented, possibly has a popped eardrum from the noise, but he survived this blast."
"He's a lucky one, is all," Huntress replies.
"Well, we tested two really powerful explosive weapons, and both of them are absolutely effective," Geiger summarizes.
But which explosive weapon gives its villain a nasty edge in battle?
"I don't like the fact that the Pumpkin Bombs are so dangerous," Geoff admits. "Goblin has to be extra careful with 'em, or they could blow up in his hand. The Penguin Bomb is a much more stable weapon, but even so, it's stationary, and I don't like that."
"I agree," Max says. "The Pumpkin Bomb gives you options, and I think its advantages outweigh its disadvantages. Edge goes to the Green Goblin here."
For explosive weapons, the edge goes to the Green Goblin for the Pumpkin Bombs.
We now see a montage of all the weapons that have been tested in this episode.
The testing is now complete. Max will now load all the data into a battle simulation program that will determine our winner.
Close-range weapons edge: Penguin, for the Umbrella Sword
Medium-range weapons edge: Penguin, for the Umbrella Gun
Special weapons edge: Green Goblin, for the Goblin Glider
Explosive weapons edge: Green Goblin, for the Pumpkin Bombs
To keep the battle from being won by a single lucky blow, Max will simulate the battle one thousand times. It will be a battle of opposites: sanity…
We see the Penguin making a peaceful transaction with a rival criminal underboss, passing money to him in a dimly lit room.
Versus insanity.
We see the Goblin laughing maniacally as he tosses a Pumpkin Bomb into a crowd, and the people run for cover.
"I think I've got all the factors plugged in," says Max to Geoff and Dr. Dorian nearby. "Shall I go ahead and start the battle?"
"Of course," Geoff encourages.
Max presses a button on the laptop, and the screen becomes covered in a Matrix-like background, giving way to the battle.
The Battle
The battle takes place in Gotham City around noon. As the camera zooms in on the Gotham City Bank, we hear the alarms inside blaring. A few seconds later, the Penguin emerges from the front doors with a group of his thugs, each one carrying a big bag of money they have stolen from the vault inside. The rotund villain cackles as he and his men casually stroll down the steps and climb into a waiting getaway car, where his men pack the money and themselves in the backseat. Penguin climbs into the passenger's seat, shuts the door, and tells his driver to take off. The car speeds down the road as we now cut to a nearby alley, where the Green Goblin is lurking in the shadows, having watched the robbery unfold. He jumps on top of his Goblin Glider and follows the car down the street, preparing a Pumpkin Bomb in the process. The driver of the car looks out the rear-view mirror at the strange green creature following them, and mentions to his boss about it. Penguin snarls as he looks in the side mirror and sees the Goblin—as well as the jack-o'-lantern-shaped grenade that crashes through the back window of the long car. Penguin correctly recognizes the smoking pumpkin as an explosive, and opens the door as he barrels out of the car just as the bomb detonates, destroying the car and killing many of Penguin's men. As the few survivors scatter, Penguin squawks in anger as he looks up at the Goblin, who laughs as he pulls out a gas-filled Pumpkin Bomb. As Goblin throws the bomb down at Penguin, the gangster jumps out of the way again just in time. The Goblin zooms away on his Glider before Penguin activates a helicopter inside his umbrella, whizzing off after the fleeing Goblin. Green Goblin lands atop a tall building and looks around in search of the Bumbershoot Bandit, but the Penguin ducks into an alley nearby and aims another of his umbrellas at the Goblin, firing the rifle built into it. The bullet strikes the Goblin in the leg, causing Osborn to flinch in pain. Goblin shakes it off and mounts his Glider again, taking off in search of the Penguin.
Seeing an opportunity, Cobblepot fires another shot from his Umbrella Gun—at the Glider. The Glider turns end-over-end, sending the Goblin careening off it and straight into a dumpster in the alley where the Penguin is. Penguin squawks with glee for a few seconds, until Green Goblin bursts from the dumpster, roaring as he rushes toward the tuxedoed gangster with his arms flailing madly, punching him in the face and sending him back into the block wall behind him. The Goblin smirks as he cracks his knuckles, the electricity sparking from his gloves. He sends an electric shock at the Penguin, but the Penguin dodges and stabs Goblin in the leg with his umbrella sword. The Goblin screams in pain as the Penguin distances himself, then flies away on his umbrella helicopter. The Goblin shakes his head and roars in frustration as he mounts his Goblin Glider and gives chase. Goblin shakily retrieves a pair of Razor Boomerangs from his side and throws them at the fleeing Penguin; Cobblepot dodges one boomerang, but the other slices him in the left arm, causing him to begin falling from the sky. He puts his hand to his mouth and whistles, however, and from out of nowhere comes a flock of crows, who bring Penguin down safely on the roof of a building. The Goblin throws another Razor Boomerang at Penguin; the Bumbershoot Bandit dodges it, but one of his crows isn't so lucky—the Boomerang slices the poor bird in half before returning to the Goblin. The Goblin laughs at the bird's misfortune, enraging the Penguin, who rushes forward and punches Goblin in the face, then kicks him in the chest, knocking him down. Surprised at the little man's quickness, the Green Goblin recovers and throws two Razor Boomerangs at Penguin, but the Penguin dodges them both and rushes toward Goblin with his Umbrella Sword. The Goblin begins to prepare his last Pumpkin Bomb, though, and the Penguin re-thinks his strategy, ducking behind a partition as the bomb explodes. The Penguin begins fumbling in his pocket, finally finding what he's looking for—a Penguin Robot Bomb. The Penguin heads through the door to the stairs leading inside the building, planting the bomb inside. He then opens the door and fires his Umbrella Gun at the wall next to him. The Goblin takes the bait, growling as he rushes toward where the shot came from. He opens the door—only to be grabbed by the Penguin and heaved against the wall of the stairway. The Penguin heads back out onto the roof and jams the door shut behind him with his umbrella, hoping this will work. Back inside, Goblin starts to follow the Penguin outside, but the door won't budge. He looks back at the robot on the stairs curiously as it starts quacking: slowly at first, but then faster and faster. As the squawks reach the pinnacle of their speed, the Goblin suddenly realizes what's going on, and desperately tries to open the jammed door. He looks at the penguin figurine in horror just before it explodes, sending the Goblin crashing through the door and onto the roof outside. The Penguin peeks out from behind an air unit before he cautiously approaches the downed Goblin, and pokes him with his umbrella a few times. Satisfied that the Goblin is dead, the Penguin smiles evilly, and activates his Umbrella helicopter before whizzing away.
Winner: Penguin
"Out of a thousand battles, the Penguin emerged victorious about 53% of the time," Max explains. "It was definitely a close fight, but the Penguin took it because he was actually sane—the Goblin's maniacal, unstable nature caused him to make rash decisions and zone out in the heat of the battle, and that enabled the Penguin to surprise the Green Goblin with his unconventional bird- and umbrella-based weaponry."
In a close contest, Penguin won 533 battles, his deadliest weapon being his umbrella gun.
Penguin Kills: 533
Birds: 155
Umbrella Gun: 221
Umbrella Sword: 59
Penguin Robot Bomb: 98
The Goblin wasn't that far behind with 467 kills. Three of his weapons scored kills in the triple digits, but they weren't enough.
Green Goblin Kills: 467
Goblin Glider: 146
Razor Boomerang: 125
Electro Gloves: 13
Pumpkin Bomb: 183
"I've gotta admit, I'm a little surprised," Geoff said. "I guess the Penguin is a lot more than some chubby little man with an umbrella. His weapons really work, and they can surprise the hell out of you a lot of times."
"I'm not convinced," Urich says. "In real life, the Green Goblin would massacre that silly little birdman."
"The Penguin is a despicable man, but he deserves respect," Gordon comments. "He's proven time and time again that he's a force to be reckoned with, and he sure proved it today."
We now see The Penguin standing in the streets, his hands outstretched as a flock of pigeons fly out from him. He lets out a squawky cackle as the show comes to a close.
Chapter 9 is in the history books, and DC pulls ahead again as our total now comes to 4-5. But don't lose hope, Marvel fans…some of the best fights are yet to come! Next time, we're back to team battles, as two of the most secretive criminal cults face off against one another in a fight to the finish. Marvel's HYDRA takes on DC's H.I.V.E. in our next chapter. Don't miss it!