A/N: No, I am not dead nor have I forgotten about this story (or else it would be hard to explain that A/N I posted cause I highly doubt I'd come back as a ghost). Seriously. This chapter just took me awhile. A little over two months obviously. I wrote it then hated it then started over and the cycle kind of repeated itself cause this is a big chapter. It sets stuff up in the long run.
I'm really sorry. But it's here. I'm working on the next chapter so I hope it won't be too long before I can post it.
There is some drama (as I said last chapter, if you even remember) and a little glimpse into Tom's past. Nothing too major, I think.
322 reviews? Thanks!
THANKS:
brandnewx3: Thank you! I'm sorry for not getting this out earlier. But thank you for all the bugging…it got my butt in gear. Tommy…Tommy…you'll see a little something at the end of this chapter in the A/N, but someone picked up on part of it. LOL. ;D
scrubslover: LOL. You are very welcome…I aim to please. Most of the time. I'm glad you thought it was perfect. That's how I wanted their first time to be.
LittleZurawski: Yes, they are. And they'll be happy for a short amount of time in this chapter too. LOL. Then, well…you know. Tom will tell her…eventually. Like in Chapter 40. LOL. I actually I don't know the chapter off hand, but it'll happen, just not in the way Jude would like. I'm glad you're satisfied for now. I hope you like what's coming.
Princess of the Rogues: LOL! Yay! It's not too bad…it'll get better in the next chapter. I'm updating now.
Jenn6891: Yes, they did. I don't necessarily know if writing fluff before basically a turning point is such a good idea, but that's what I'm working with. I guess I'll have to wait to see if it's well received. Ending up together in the end? Hmmm, I'll have to think about that one. ;D
PorcelainChaos: You're speechless…wow, that's a first! LOL. I love word gurus. I know…20 chapters later and finally it's happened. The drama is coming…slowly but surely obviously. I'm posting now.
bbybty9: LOL. Yes, they did. Aww, that's good. Kwest will get figured out later. Promise. Okay, this chapter will be dedicated to you. I don't want any crying readers. :D
bigsis0829: LOL. Me too. Lmao. In my family it's similar, but I feed off of being quiet. :D I'm posting now!
gigitax: Wow. Thank you for giving it a try. That means a lot. You don't have to be afraid of Tommy. Well, not that much. LOL. I will say this, his demons have not completely gone away. He thinks they have, but other people think differently. With Jude he is different, but he hasn't completely changed like he should have. That will come though, once everything is said and done. They are cute. I love them. I'm glad you thought that scene was amazing. LOL. Yes, that chapter has been 20 in the making. Thank you so much! I really really appreciate it. I will most definitely keep posting.
crybaby452: Thank you! Tommy will be sorted out in the end. LOL. He's got issues obviously. I'm updating now. Sorry for the long wait. I have not forgotten this. I think about it all the time. LOL.
Brooklyn: Thank you for loving this. No, I haven't forgotten this. It's been a long hard road getting this chapter the way I wanted it to work. Sorry. I'm updating now!
sorrowrayne: I love the book. Something about it…it's just amazing! I'm glad you love this version too.
sorrowrayne: Thank you!
Disclaimer: I don't own the title of this chapter. That's it. ;D
A/N at the bottom.
R&R or R&L please.
THANKS MUCHO!
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Chapter 21
"What Hurts The Most"
It was like déjà vu. They were back at the loft. And fighting. Again.
She had caught him, standing under an old oak tree in the loft parking lot, watching, waiting. Her movie "date" with Jonathan had gone over well. Until he tried to kiss her. She had moved her head, as it took her brain a few seconds to realize what was happening. She couldn't – wouldn't – let anything happen because up until that moment, things had been good. She had had fun with him. He reminded her of SME in a way, but much cooler. If that was at all possible. He was funny and seemed genuinely interested in what she had to say.
But the moment he tried to kiss her made her falter. She pulled away, mumbling an excuse about not kissing on the first – the what?
Yeah, she had almost said it. The first date.
Her heart had sank, her mind trying to deny that she had been ready to pull out the d-word. But she knew better.
It had been on the tip of her tongue. And she would have spilled it had she not lost focus.
Something had moved behind Jonathan's head and she took it upon herself to investigate.
What she saw didn't make things any better. It had probably made them worse.
Because it was Tom, huddled under the dark, overgrown tree.
So she had made an excuse about needing to get some last minute homework done and got out of Jonathan's souped up Civic, not before noticing the disappointment written across his face.
She watched the car exit the parking lot and looked back at the oak tree once before heading up to her loft. He was gone.
But not for long. He managed to slip into the elevator, just seconds after she had entered it herself.
Now they were in the same place they had been in the week prior.
But this time sex wasn't going to get in the way.
At least not until they talked first.
Yes, actually talked.
He stood in front of her, trying to feign an indifference they both knew was impossible. Not caring had been a forte for him, up until 6 months ago. Now all he cared about was what people thought.
It wasn't that he was worried that people would find out about their taboo affair. It was more the speculation, the whispers, the what ifs. Those things could ruin a person, he was sure.
It was why he had even thought to cover their asses in the first place. Why he had been willing to spend undisclosed amounts of time with the person who had been the bane of his existence at one point in his life: Angie.
But he knew Jude didn't understand. He knew she only went along with it because she loved him.
Truly, madly, deeply loved him.
She frowned slightly, leaning against the plush sofa arm, her thumb in her mouth. She bit down absentmindedly, replaying her evening in her head.
The movie had been fine. Jonathan had been fine. Everything had been so fine that it wasn't until she had almost said the word "date" that Tom even crossed her mind.
And she didn't even know why it mattered so much. Why it continued to nag at the pit of her stomach.
And then it hit her.
Her mind worked at warp speed, the newly placed thought becoming a beacon of hope for a relationship stuck in the rut.
But her mind also wouldn't let her forget that it was his fault too. He had been the one to suggest, or rather enforce, that they start "keeping up appearances."
She couldn't understand how he had thought they needed a cover. How a simple "I just want to be alone" couldn't suffice to people who cared enough to ask. She thought it was unnecessary.
And maybe it was.
But it didn't feel like it to him.
There was always this nagging worry that gripped at him, making him question everything and everyone. Maybe it was because he had always been admired, wanted, needed that it only seemed natural for other people to wonder about why he was alone now…single.
But it never occurred to him until that moment that that was what his life had been like. Not Jude's.
She had been the outsider, the one standing on the edge of normalcy, her musical talent distancing herself from everyone else's mediocrity.
It was that love for music that clearly defined their love for him. That he had found someone who loved it just as much – if not more – than him.
It had been a god-send. Yet, here he was trying to worry about everyone else except her. Except the woman that mattered the most.
It was while he thought about her, that Jude thought about another woman. A woman she couldn't suppress from her mind.
Because it was her actions that were nagging at her, making her feel unworthy of the love Tom was sharing with her now.
Angie.
The word "date" kept swirling around in her head and she knew that it was because of Angie and what she had done – or failed to do – that had caused the aching worry in Jude's stomach.
It was the fact that saying "date" would have meant more than the casual affair she had made Tom believe it was. That it carried more weight than she had been willing to admit. That she could lie to the man she loved, just like Angie.
But she wasn't Angie. She couldn't – wouldn't – cheat on him, despite the fact that she had almost let him kiss her or that she had almost called it their first date. So yes, she understood where his insecurities came from. But it wasn't enough. She sat there, remembering her
birthday and how he had finally opened up to her. But only enough for her to see how reluctant he was to go any further because of Angie.
Tom trusted her. But not whole-heartedly. And that was hard.
It was that pain that made her realize how badly she needed to fix things. For both of them.
But just when she thought she could, he made her miss a step.
He slowly walked up to her, realizing what he had to do. To stop all of the madness that he had helped create.
She gazed up at him, ready to speak her mind. To get him to trust her – if only for a second.
He stood in front of her, his knees against her knees sending a jolt of electricity through Jude, and cupped her chin with his hand. "Promise me you won't hang out with him again."
His words slightly made impact into her brain. It was too full of all of the things she wanted to say.
Her brow furrowed slightly, her gaze confused. "What?" she breathed.
"Promise me you won't hang out with him again," he repeated, just as slowly as he had the first time.
His words hit their target and she was left speechless. What was he trying to pull at? It had been his idea! Why now? Was he that worried about what could have happened? His statement only further enraged her. It was clear proof that he didn't trust her. That he didn't think she could make decisions based on their relationship for herself.
She swallowed hard, her mind racing with comebacks. Anything to throw a blow to his ego.
He watched her, knowing that what he was asking of her was going to be a shock. That he had backtracked from his former position of hiding. But he was doing this for her. So that she wouldn't get hurt.
She continued to gaze at him, her face softening from the momentary shock it had received seconds prior. She leaned into his hand and the words finally came to her.
She stayed silent for a second, trying to work up the courage to say what she had to say. "Promise me you won't hang out with Angie again."
His hand dropped and his face instantly turned to stone, everything about it completely emotionless except his eyes. They darted from her face, glancing at anything and everything. She knew she had won. Knew that he wasn't too thrilled with her for throwing his words back in his face, but he deserved it.
He should have known better. And she knew he did.
He stared at the coffee table in front of him, trying to keep his anger in check. He could feel it boiling, just below the surface.
"That's what I thought," she murmured. He was stupid if he thought his statement was plausible. Especially now.
"Jude – "
Her eyes widened as he glanced back at her and instantly her ego deflated. This was not what she wanted.
She didn't want to fight. It was the one thing she had been trying to avoid now. But that obviously wasn't working very well. Not with the look Tom had in his eyes.
He looked beyond pissed. Something she had never seen before. A thought instantly flashed through her head and she internally cringed.
"He became someone else…And it was like he had no control over it. It overtook him or something."
Was this what Kwest had been talking about? Honestly, she wasn't sure. And that scared the shit out of her.
A part of her was scared to confront him, but she knew she had to. It was the only way. She needed him to see the difference. That she was not who he was mentally comparing her to. It wasn't fair.
"Babe – " she started slowly.
"Don't Jude," he spat, his icy blue eyes glaring at her.
The scared part of Jude shrank back, as if she was five years old again and Jamie's Nana had yelled her for stepping on Jamie's crayons. "I just –"
She had thought he didn't notice her backtrack, but he had.
A split second later, his face softened. He sighed heavily. "Why can't you just do this for me? Please."
His sudden change in demeanor scared her more. But then his words hit her. She couldn't. "I want to – No."
"What?" he asked, his eyes staring at her accusingly.
She braced herself. She wasn't going to back down. Not when she had something important to prove. She shook her head. "I can't do it. Not when you don't trust me."
His eyes narrowed slightly. "I do trust you."
She clenched her jaw, pushing herself. "Not enough because if you did, you wouldn't be asking me to do this."
His eyes darkened. Didn't she understand? He was willing to admit he was in the wrong – that what he had suggested they do wasn't working. How did she not see this? "I don't trust him," he muttered lowly.
One of her eyebrows rose. "He shouldn't matter."
"But he does, Jude," he responded roughly.
Her eyes widened. This insecurity was annoying her to no extent. "Why? Because you let him? Nothing is going to happen –" she shouted.
"How do you know that?! How can you be positive?!" he yelled back.
"I – I'M NOT ANGIE!" she screamed.
Her chest clenched and her breathing quickened. She could instantly feel the salty tears piercing the corners of her eyes. Her chest heaved and her brain was foggy.
She wanted out. She didn't want to fight anymore. She wanted to be done.
But even as she stood in front of him, as her stomach somersaulted, as his eyes softened, she couldn't do it. She couldn't say the words. It was practically impossible.
Her breathing calmed and then a noise broke the thick silence between the pair. It was her phone.
Subconsciously, she pulled her phone out of her pocket and flipped it open. "Yeah?" she said, her voice rough.
"Jude?" the voice said, worry evident in the tone.
The voice knocked Jude out of her thoughts and she cleared her throat, bringing a hand to her left eye to wipe a stubborn tear. "Hey Mom."
"Are you okay? You sound like you were – "
"No, I'm fine. Just working on a few songs for the talent show," she lied. It had become easier and easier as time passed to pull lies out of her head at a moment's notice. However, it didn't make her feel any better.
"Oh. Well, don't wear your voice out. You know The Mistress won't app – "
"Yeah, I know. My voice is my instrument. I get it."
A few silent seconds passed during which Jude did everything in her power not to look at Tom.
"Well, the reason I was calling was because…we want to spend some time with you."
"Mom, you see me every day."
"I know, honey, but it just seems like you're always off to do this, that, and the other and your father and I just wanted to spend some time with you. Just us."
Jude's heart sank slightly, hearing the disappointment in her mother's voice. Victoria was right. Jude was home almost every night, but she never had the time to sit and hang with her parents. Not that any kid her age did, but she had formed such a strong bond with them once Sadie had left to college that now, she felt guilty for missing out on the special time that presented itself in front of her. She always had an excuse. Jamie and Kat. SME. Her music. The loft. Jonathan. Tom – even if she never said it.
A weak smile formed on her face. "I'd like that," she replied, choosing to ignore a grunt coming from in front of her. Tom could wait.
"Tomorrow, maybe? The skating rink?" her mother asked, her voice full of hope.
A moment of stupidity or weakness passed, which one Jude didn't know, and she looked up. Tom's eyes penetrated her heart and her mind completely went blank. "Yeah, sounds good. Look, I've got – "
"To go. I understand. I'll let you go. See you tomorrow. Bye Jude. We love you."
A few seconds passed and Jude stood standing, staring at Tom. The dial tone came and she closed the phone.
The moment she heard the sound of her phone closing, her mind regained focus. The conversation she was having with her mom floated into her head and she felt a heavy guilt set in.
She was horrible. A horrible daughter. Here she was trying to be better and the second she noticed Tom, she forgot all about trying. She forgot all about everything and everyone. And it was hurting the people she loved.
She couldn't even remember the last time she had lunch with Kat and Jamie or had a jam session with SME. Even Sadie had become the farthest thing from her mind.
She heavily sighed and looked away, her mind full of the people she had left at the wayside while she focused on Tom.
Tom.
She turned her head and glanced at him, his eyes still staring at her.
She needed to work it out with him. Somehow. Find some middle ground. A compromise. Something. Anything. Preferably without fighting.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I – I just don't know – "
"You don't know what?"
"I don't know how to do this."
"This?" he asked.
"This. Us. I don't know if I can – I don't want to fight."
"Then let's not fight."
"But I want to talk and talking always seems to lead to fighting."
He stayed silent, never agreeing with or disproving her theory.
"Can we talk?"
"I don't know, can we?" he asked.
She sighed heavily, shrugging her shoulders. She glanced at the carpet, placing her attention on anything but Tom. She looked up and stared at him. She had to do this. She had to let him know. "I'm only going to say this once. And this better be enough."
His eyes narrowed as he tried to grasp at what she was talking about.
"I am not Angie. I get that you were hurt. I understand," she started, her face full of hurt, her voice strong. He gazed at her, instantly seeing a different time, a different place, but the same conversation. "But I need you to be with me on this. Trust me. Give me the benefit of the doubt. I need you to be honest. Because I love you."
He moved forward instinctively as if distance would communicate his understanding. The conversation was the same. The plea was the same. But they weren't.
She held out a hand, halting his movement. She shook her head and froze.
"I just need to know that you can handle this. Because if you can't, I – "
"I can," he said, interrupting her.
She weakly smiled. "Let go, please. Trust me."
"I do," he murmured.
She shook her head again. "Trust me more. I should matter more than him. Stop letting him make you worry."
He clenched his jaw as he saw a tear streaming down her cheek. He reached out and brushed it away with his thumb. She leaned into his hand, her eyes gazing up at him.
"I can try," he said. She nodded her head. He slid his hand down to the base of her neck and pulled her towards him. She instinctively leaned into him as he placed his arms around her waist.
"Stop blaming me for her mistakes," she whispered, a few tears running down her cheeks.
He didn't know if she had meant for him to hear, but he had. His grasp on her tightened as he thought about her words. She was right. So right. But she had no idea how much more it was than just that.
- - - - - -
Taking a push off of the rink wall, Jude skated around a few laps reveling in the calm she felt every time she was on the ice. As she skated, she realized it had been at least a year since she had last been at the rink. She knew this time; it had nothing to do with Tom.
It was her.
When Tom had left the night before, she thought about the way she was living, just him and her, no one else. It was what she had wanted…at least what she had thought she had wanted.
Now she wasn't so sure.
It wasn't that she didn't love him…she did. But it was more than that.
She had left her life behind and made him her world. And she didn't know if that was the safest thing…for her.
She was leaving for the U.S. in a matter of months and she was going. He had supported the idea. And she wasn't going to let him talk her out of it. Not that she thought he would, but she was trying to cover all her bases.
Especially since she didn't know what he was thinking sometimes. Scratch that…most of the time.
Spotting her mom and dad on the opposite side of the rink, she wondered if he'd ever stop making her pay for someone else's mistakes.
"Hey honey," her mom said as she pulled her into a bone-crushing hug.
"Vicki, you're embarrassing her."
"Am I?" Victoria asked as she lessened her grip on Jude. Jude gazed at her mom and smiled, the gnawing guilt hitting her. She shook her head. "See, Stuart. Jude loves my hugs."
Stuart shook his head, chuckling softly. Victoria pulled Jude back into a short hug and that was all it took for a tear to spring down Jude's cheek.
Victoria let go of her seconds later and Stuart placed a kiss on his daughter's forehead. The pair glanced at each other as more tears fell from Jude's eyes. Victoria nodded silently and Stuart sped off down the straightaway.
"What's wrong?"
Jude looked up, knowing full well she couldn't lie her way of the conversation that was coming.
"Nothing."
"Bullshit."
Jude's eyes widened and Victoria shrugged. "It's something. It's always something with a Harrison woman. I know."
A smile barely formed on Jude's face before she shrugged. She gazed down at the melting slab of ice beneath her feet, hoping that it would open up and swallow her whole. "I –" Jude started, her voice rough from crying.
"Yeah?" Victoria said, a hopeful look in her eyes. But internally, Jude shook her head.
"I am going to miss you guys," Jude finished. Lie #104, 569.
Technically it wasn't a lie. She would miss them. Eventually. But not then. She didn't miss them then. And that's what killed her. To lie about it. Just so she wouldn't have to tell them the real reason she was crying: the relationship she couldn't say existed.
And she thought she wasn't going to be able to lie her way out of the conversation. Go figure.
-+-+-+-+-+-
Rubbing a cup of hot chocolate between her hands, she glanced up at her mother. Victoria glanced back at her daughter knowingly.
"It's a boy."
A small smirk appeared on Jude's face as she picked up her Styrofoam cup and took a small sip from it. "Why does it always have to be a boy?" she asked.
Victoria shrugged as she picked up her own cup and drank from it. "It doesn't, but I know that I raised two pretty amazing daughters that I have a hard time believing someone isn't chasing you or vice versa."
"I guess," Jude replied, rolling her eyes.
Victoria slid one of her hands across the plastic table and covered one of Jude's. She squeezed it as she said, "I just want you to be happy. Are you happy?"
A lump formed in Jude's throat as she glanced at her mother and thought about her words. Her shoulders rose in a habitual action, but she didn't know how to respond. Was she happy? Truly and utterly happy? "I am – I am more confused than I am happy."
Victoria nodded and squeezed Jude's hand once more before letting go. Jude's throat constricted as she realized what she had confessed. "It's okay to be confused. I was confused once. But I'm not anymore."
Jude nodded, knowing she didn't trust her own voice.
"You have to find out what is making you confused and fix it, before you become unhappy."
"Yeah," Jude whispered. She could be completely happy. She just had to fix the parts of her life that were confusing. And she knew exactly where to start.
"I thought the point of our family bonding was to skate?" Stuart shouted toward the pair as he skated to the wall next to the table Jude and her mother were sitting at.
Victoria instantly shot up, smiling at Stuart. He pushed off of the wall, skating at full speed. "Just answer me this…is it Jonathan?"
A full smile broke out on Jude's face and she shook her head as she stood up. "God, no." Jude walked toward trashcan and tossed her cup away.
"Good," Victoria started as she wrapped an arm around Jude's shoulder, making their way to the rink, "cause then I'd have to kick his perfectly coifed scrawny ass."
A loud laugh echoed off the ice as Jude skated away from her mother because there were two people in her life that could fit that description. And she could almost bet that her mother would win.
- - - - - -
He stood in front of the door, rocking back on his heels as he waited for it to be opened. A few silent seconds passed and nothing happened. He knocked again and nothing. Once more he knocked and a split second later, the door was yanked open, a smiling Jude standing behind it.
Loud guitar riffs sounded through the open threshold and Jude grabbed his hand, pulling him inside. "Sorry, I got caught up in the song."
He nodded silently, taking in the loft's presence. He wondered how tonight was going to go. Every time something happened – good or bad – and he knew this time wasn't any different.
"Okay," she started. "So I wanna talk." She knew she had to get out whatever it was that was bothering her, just in case she lost her nerve.
One eyebrow rose and he stared at her, standing in front of the couch.
She knew it was better to get everything off her chest, rather than keep it in where she knew it would only fester into a full-blown fight. Something she didn't want to partake in.
"I don't have a lot of time, but I've been thinking – "
"You don't have a lot of time?" he asked.
"Yeah, I'm leaving soon," she said. "Anyway, I've been thinking and – "
"Where are you going?"
Her eyes widened. What the hell was he talking about? She had told him yesterday. "Out. I already told you."
"Oh really?" he asked.
"Yes, yesterday. On the phone. When I asked you to come over?"
He shook his head. "I don't remember."
"Maybe you refuse to. Or maybe you weren't paying attention," she said, walking away. He started after her, seeing her stop in the guest bathroom. He glanced around, seeing a mess. Make-up was strewn all over the countertop and clothes were hanging from places where they weren't meant to be hanging from, like the shower head. He wondered why she needed all of that stuff. She didn't need to impress anyone, much less him. Unless…
He slightly huffed and rolled his eyes. "I pay attention to everything you say."
A low laugh echoed in the bathroom and Jude looked at him through the mirror. She raised an eyebrow and gave him a pointed look.
"Okay," he said, smirking. "Maybe not everything. But I try."
She smiled widely. "Yes, yes you do."
"So what's with all the stuff?" he asked, trying to squash any unneeded stress bubbling up inside him.
"It's not stuff," she retorted, taking a mascara bottle from the countertop and opening it.
"It's stuff. Why do you need it?" he asked.
"I take pride in the way I look," she said. He shot her look that said otherwise. Not wanting to mess up her make-up, she kicked him with her boot from the side.
"Fuck, Jude," he cried, grabbing his shin. "That hurt."
Jude seemed unfazed. She went back to adding mascara on her eyelashes. "Hey, I don't knock your hair gel obsession, so leave my stuff alone."
"Alright, alright," he said, smirking, forgetting about the minimal pain still shooting up his leg.
Gazing back into the mirror, Tom watched her move from mascara to blush in five seconds flat. As he continued to wonder about her night out, he tried to remember their conversation from the night before. However, the more he thought about it, the less he remembered. Why?
Then it hit him. A night he couldn't forget. A night part of him never wanted to.
He had been 5 years old when it happened.
His mother had been making dinner. He had been happily helping her when much to his annoyance, his father had come home after a long day at work. Well, not just work, but a night at the club and he knew that his father had been anything but happy. He saw it in his face.
He had walked – surprisingly – into the kitchen, ripping his tie off in the process. From there he remembered, his father had walked to the far pantry and then –
The phone rang.
Wait. That's not what had happened. Knocked out of his reverie, Tom took in the scene in front of him as silent as he had been that night 24 years ago.
She picked up the phone, slightly startled that it had rung. Thinking it was Spied, she went to answer it. Abruptly freezing as she glanced at the caller id, Jude stopped her hand. She pursed her lips, tightening her jaw. There. The one ingredient that would set her drama-free night off. Knowing it was better to leave unscathed, she silenced it before placing it in front of her. She
needed to forget about the caller. It didn't matter. It wasn't a big deal. She was not Angie. No.
So then why couldn't she just tell him?
His body leaned against the door frame, watching as she placed the phone down and turned toward her make-up bag.
"Who was that?" he asked, curious.
"No one," she responded casually, never looking at him. Realizing what she was looking for and where it was, she glanced up. "Forgot my lip gloss. Then I gotta go."
He forced a small smile on his face and as Jude brushed passed him, she squeezed his arm.
Glancing over his shoulder, he watched her backside turn the corner. Quickly, his hand grabbed at the silver phone sitting on top of the countertop. This was not an invasion of privacy. This was not about his past. This was about the fact that she hadn't taken the call. He opened it up and saw the missed call. It was just as he suspected. Not that he cared. He should have known. And maybe he had. But maybe – just maybe he wanted to believe that she was different. As calmly as his enraged body would allow, he placed the silver monstrosity back where it had been.
She walked back toward the bathroom; her hand easily maneuvering the lip gloss wand over her lips. She abruptly stopped as she watched him back away from the sink. He moved slowly, but his body acted as if it was diseased.
Fuck.
She blew a low breath out of her mouth as she stood in the doorway, watching his shoulders and back tense tightly. His hands formed fists and she could bet his eyes had darkened. Though her heart rate had quickened, she wasn't as scared as she thought she would have been if a situation like the one that was playing out ever arose.
Feeling the sudden need to make him understand, she spoke. "He just called," she started.
A sardonic laugh floated into the air and she cringed. He didn't turn around nor did he address her.
"I thought it was Spied, you know, asking me where I was. But obviously – "
"Obviously you have better things to do," he said. "So run along, Jude. Go. Have fun. Leave."
Instantly, he turned around and she froze. Even as the shadows from the hallway cascaded over his face and body, she saw him perfectly clear. And she didn't see anything she liked. Everything about his face had hardened, his eyes were darker than she had ever seen them, and his entire body stood like stone.
"I don't want to," she admitted weakly. As her words floated into the air, she noticeably cringed. What a lie.
He raised one of his eyebrows and stared at her. She bit her bottom lip and rolled her eyes.
"Okay, I want to."
"Then go. Be with him," he said, crossing his arms defiantly.
Her eyes widened in disbelief. What was he doing? He was not going there. Not saying that she was – she was…her? No. He couldn't.
"Be with him?" she asked.
"Oh come on, Jude. We both know that's what tonight is about…you're going to see him. Be with him. There is no SME performance."
Her eyes narrowed at his insinuations and she clenched her jaw tightly. Now he fucking remembers? She sucked in a deep breath and tightened her shoulders. She was not going to back down. She was not afraid. She had nothing to hide. Except for the fact that…maybe Jonathan was going to be at SME's performance.
"Don't lie, Jude. It doesn't suit you."
"Are you fucking kidding me?!" she snapped.
A smirk formed on Tom's face as he continued to gaze at her.
She scoffed. "You're serious?! Oh my God."
Tom stood in front of her, the same smirk permanently jarring his features.
"You know, I wasn't lying last week. I meant every fucking word. And obviously it doesn't matter to you. You continue to say you're sorry and that you trust me. And I stupidly believe you. And for what?!"
He stayed silent, all the while thinking about what she was saying. He trusted her, but there were times when all he saw was Angie. All her mistakes. All her letdowns. And it became hard to separate the two: his past and his present. Maybe everyone else was right – maybe he –
"I am so sick and tired of being punished for your insecurities – "
"My insecurities?" he bellowed.
"Your insecurities," she repeated. "You don't trust me. You say you do, but it's very obvious you don't. You think I'm her. I AM NOT ANGIE. I am not fucking every guy that breathes!!"
She wasn't Angie. That was the truth. But maybe he didn't see it. Or maybe he refused to. She didn't know. And neither did he.
"God, what do I have to do to get you to understand that? To get you to trust me?"
His answer came quick. "Don't leave."
She glanced at him, wondering if he was serious or not. But when she looked into his eyes, all she saw was determination. A determination to fix things, to make her stay, to do something. But she didn't know if his determination would help at all.
She didn't know if she wanted to stay. When she talked to her mother, all she wanted was to fix the way things were going between them, but she didn't know if leaving or staying was going to fix anything.
Before she could form an answer, her phone rang again. This time she knew exactly who it was.
"That's Spied," she said, brushing past him in the bathroom. "I have to get it."
He pushed himself away from the bathroom doorway and leaned against the hallway wall, watching her.
"Spied, I – " she started, gazing at him. "That's great – Look, I –" she continued. His words rang in her ear and her answer was completely clear. She didn't want to choose, but he was making her. "I'm just leaving. I'll see you in few."
He lowered his head slowly, shaking it as he did so and closed his eyes. He was right. So right. Why hadn't he seen it? Mostly because he trusted her. More than she ever knew.
She held her breath, waiting for whatever was going to come. She hoped for the best, but thought the worst was coming.
He picked up his head just as slowly as he lowered it and gazed into her eyes. He pushed himself off of the wall, tilting his head to the side.
"You have made it perfectly clear who you want," he said, his voice full of sadness and something else Jude couldn't place. "And it's not me."
He shook his head as he turned and started to walk away. Her hand shot out and grabbed onto his arm.
"Tom, it's not like that. I – " she said.
He glanced down at her hand and covered it with one of his own. It was one of the warmest feelings she had ever felt. He squeezed her hand softly and then pulled it off of him, dropping it slowly. He gazed at her. "Have fun, Jude. See you at school," he replied.
He started to walk away, but she didn't want him to go. She wanted him to stay. As fast as she could, she ran in front of him and blocked his only exit. Well, there was the balcony, but that might have gotten messy.
"I want both," she said slowly. "I just don't want to lie to the people I love."
He tilted his head to the side and looked at her like she was small child in need of some reprimanding. "Well, then you obviously don't love me because you're lying to me right now."
He brushed passed her, leaving her in the foyer frozen.
The door clicked shut and the entire room began to spin. Instantly, she hit the wall next to her, everything she had just experienced, hitting her like a ton of bricks. From somewhere inside, she felt a pain so brutal, so terrifying she wanted to die.
There were no tears, no second guesses, no curling up in a ball, no ice cream or chocolate that could erase the images from her mind, no friends to help her through this. Only pain.
She had never imagined that love could be the cause of a pain like the one she was experiencing.
As her body slowly slid down the wall behind her, she thought of only one thing: whether or not his last statement was true. Because although she was no longer confused, she was anything but happy.
A/N: Preview:
Chapter 22
"Closer Part 1"
So there are two previews in a way. First is the actual chapter and second is the song that is used. A song that is going to be used for the next two chapters, fyi. The song is kind of what drives the next two chapters, so if you listen to it…I think you'll have a grasp on what could happen. Let's just say…you get to see Tommy. Not Tom.
Song used: Closer by Burn Season (check out their myspace: /burnseason)
The preview for the actual chapter will be posted in my profile. I figure this way will be easiest when I don't have it ready for a chapter. I've decided to add any updates of a story to my profile. So check that if you wanna know what's up with any of them. I think the preview will be up by the end of the week, depending how far I get in the next chapter. Thank guys! ;