A/N: I'm gonna cut all the crap and just say that I'm sorry it's taking me so long – I just get to a point where I only like parts of things and then I have to rewrite everything and it's very frustrating.
Anyway, in my time away, I made a decision – to no longer re-write this fanfic. That doesn't mean I'm not going to write on this anymore, it just means everything is staying as is. I have another idea for this story, but I'm still figuring it out so yeah…
I think that will make some of you a bit happier because I won't have to stress about the chapters anymore which means I can just focus on writing now.
Moving on…
Tom opens up – just a little differently than I think anyone thought he would (which is reminiscent of one of the earlier chapters). Some other stuff happens – which in the end is a good thing. Oh and song lyrics kind of pop in and out as needed.
Anyway, this is dedicated to charley07 on . (I don't know if she has an account here.)
THANKS:
Jenn6891: I know. I'm sorry, but I that's how I wanted it to go. Yes, he did. Bastard. LOL. I don't think Tommy was in his right mind to care which one as long as it hit one of them. Jude is it, but he's taking things a little far obviously. I'm updating now!
mysweettime19: Awww, thank you! You're definitely welcome. I'm glad it worked out for you. LOL. That is no fun. Thanks. You're welcome. I'm glad you love his craziness. I hope this didn't take too long for you!
nasher91: LOL. Yes, he is. Thank you! You're welcome. Me too! LOL. Things should get better, but that doesn't mean everything is fine and dandy. :D
JENJEN87: I'm glad you think so. He is – kind of. I'm updating now!
JOMMY IS LIFE: Thank you! She does need to understand him, but Tommy needs to understand himself as well. LOL. He is. I will. Thank you for loving this!
btru2u: Wow. That's a lot of reading. LOL. Thank you so much! I'm glad you think so. Her life will get better, just not yet. Thank you for loving this. I hope you like this chapter!
s5390: Thank you! Wow. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I'm posting more now!
thinkpink14148: Awww, thanks! LOL. I hope your eyes don't hurt from this! Thank you for loving the plot. :D
bigsis0829: I'm writing and writing and writing, but I guess I'll have to see where it takes me. Yes, it is. Family drama just seems to follow me no matter where we go. Here is more – I hope it doesn't disappoint.
mysweettime19: Yeah, but I'm still here. Things are taking some getting used to, but I'll deal. I'm updating now!
raph33: Thank you! Oh my gosh, thanks for taking the time to read this. Here is more!
thinkpink14148: Because that would be too easy. LOL. Even people in real life can't/don't read their significant others' mind. Thank you! I'm posting now!
thinkpink14148: Good question, but the answer is no. He never beat her. I won't spill anything else because eventually he or someone will spill the beans and then you'll know. ;D The references will stay there until it's all reveled but you will see what he was like soon – real soon. I hope you like this chapter. ;D
cjhar: I'm trying – right now I'm still getting used to the move and school. It's hard when I'm also writing for a fiction class and that obviously takes priority over this – even when I don't want it too. LOL. But I'm trying. I'm very thankful that you like this. I'm glad "my" Jude works for you. :D
Disclaimer: I don't own "Closer" by Burn Season. I don't own the Backstreet Boys (even if there is a part of me that wishes I did – well, maybe just AJ).
A/N at the bottom.
R&R or R&L please.
THANKS MUCHO!
"Closer Part 1"
"You can't live without me, Jude."
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Chapter 23
"Closer Part 2"
Her hands wrapped around her calves, grasping at some shred of hope. Her body rocked back and forth to a tune in her head, her chin rested against her knees, her bottom lip in between her teeth.
They sat in silence, neither knowing what to say. Kat's eyes glanced at Jude momentarily, waiting. She had never seen her best friend look so hurt, so dejected, so sad. Jamie had said the same thing the night prior when they discussed his stint at Jude's house.
Today was the second day Jude had missed school and it had been decided between the pair that Jamie would take the first day and Kat the second. Jude had tried to convince them that she didn't need a chaperone, but neither one of her friends would listen.
They cared about her too much.
Kat drummed her fingers against her knee silently. She hated not talking. She hated how distant they were – if she had know this is what her best friend would become she would have kicked Mr. Quincy's ass when she first met him all those months ago.
But she didn't know. Because her friend had stayed away – despite the fact that she had promised to keep her in the loop.
And it hurt to know that her best friend couldn't let her in – her best friend since kindergarten. The one she had multi-night sleepovers with in elementary school. The only one that knew about her secret crush on Spiederman back in the 5th grade. The one who would mock her sister Sadie's obsession with the Backstreet Boys in middle school. The one that had been okay with her starting a taboo relationship with a teacher from their high school.
But what hurt her more was what Jude was putting herself through. She was the one holing herself up in her room, refusing to get out and go somewhere. She was the one refusing to write, sing, or play guitar. She was the one who had bags under eyes from not sleeping well at night. She was the one that looked like she might crack.
And Kat could bet that Mr. Quincy wasn't losing sleep over anything he had done to her best friend.
It sickened her.
Her fingers curled on their own accord and she bit her bottom lip. Her eyes darted toward Jude, who still sat rocking back and forth.
This was not her best friend – this was some weak kid who had gotten blindsided. Her Jude knew better, her Jude had a backbone, her Jude was strong.
Kat abruptly pushed herself off of Jude's bed and stood next to the window. She didn't have to turn her head to know that her best friend was watching her.
Kat counted to five in her head and then reached out. She fingered the curtains and let out a small gasp.
Jude's eyes widened.
"He's here!"
"He is?" Jude asked, her voice trembling.
Kat's eyes locked with hers. "No."
Jude grabbed her Kurt Cobain pillow from beside her and threw it at her best friend. It hit her squarely in the head. "You're such a bitch, Kat."
Jude resumed rocking and Kat moved towards her, kneeling. So her idea hadn't been the best, but at least it got Jude talking. That had to be good, right? "I made you smile though," Kat said.
Jude's eyes hardened. "You could have tried a Knock, Knock joke or something. That was anything but funny."
Kat's eyes darted away, a guilt rising up in her. Maybe not. "I'm sorry."
"You should be," Jude said, looking away from her.
Kat's eyes narrowed. "What the fuck is your problem?"
Jude scoffed. How could Kat ask such a thing? She knew what the problem was. "My problem? You're supposed to be my best friend, but you're just making everything worse."
A sound like a growl resonated from Kat's throat and she clenched her jaw. Fighting wasn't going to get her anywhere. "I hate this."
There was no response – Jude had resumed rocking.
Kat's eyes bored into Jude and Jude fought the urge to smack her or push her away. She hated the pity she could feel emitting from Kat's soul. She hated feeling like she couldn't breathe.
"I hate that you've let him get to you. You are so much better than this."
Jude shook her head. "I'm not better."
Kat rolled her eyes. "Yes, you are. You are so much stronger than this. He – "
"I'm not better! I'm not stronger!" Jude yelled, glancing at Kat. Her voice echoed off of her walls and Kat's body froze. She had never heard her best friend yell like that before.
Jude's eyes darted to the floor, her head hanging in shame. She shouldn't have yelled like that – Kat didn't deserve her anger. In a voice Kat didn't recognize, Jude started, "I'm not stronger, Kat. If I – "
Jude's eyes locked with Kat's and Kat could feel her heart dropped somewhere low in her stomach. Her arms rushed out, encasing her best friend before she completely broke down. Beads of salty tears fell upon Kat's arms and she bit her bottom lip to keep from crying as well.
"I'm sorry," Kat whispered.
Jude swallowed. "Don't be," she said. "If I was stronger – I would have known."
Kat shook her head. "You couldn't have known he would do this. You loved him."
Kat could feel Jude's jaw tighten against her arm. She glanced down at her best friend and she sighed. "You still love him."
Jude's head nodded, her hair rubbing against Kat's skin. Kat loosened her grip on Jude's shoulders and Jude turned her head, sensing Kat had some lecture coming her way. She didn't want to love Tom still, but she couldn't help it. He was the first person to ever understand her without her saying a word. "I don't want to, Kat, but – "
"But he's going to continue doing this to you because you let him. You have to tell him how you feel and make him stop." Kat understood, but that didn't mean she agreed. She knew Jude had to figure this out on her own. Kat just knew that she would be there for Jude no matter what happened.
Jude searched Kat's eyes, waiting for her real opinion to shine through, but all Kat did was tighten her grip into a hug. A smile formed on Jude's face as she realized Kat was going to be there for her, no matter what happened.
She closed her eyes, knowing that having Kat in her corner was all she needed to face another day.
- - - - - -
"Before I begin, I have a few instructions. This is a highly personal activity that I am asking you to take part in, but this does not mean that you must do so. If you choose not to, I will understand. However, I am asking – regardless of your participation – that you keep a vow of silence. I trust that none of you will repeat anything that is said the next few days – it will only cause unwanted trouble."
A loaded silence filled the classroom, his students understanding his instructions completely.
"To make sure you are ready, we won't start presenting until tomorrow."
Relief rushed into the room, the students thankful now that they knew they weren't going to have to reveal themselves just yet.
His fingers grasped tighter at the piece of paper in his hand, realizing he had to move on.
He cleared his throat, his hands starting to perspire as 32 sets of eyes stared at him, waiting patiently. He didn't dare try and seek out the one lone set of eyes that he was sure wanted nothing to do with him at the moment. But he didn't care. He'd give her the time and space that she had obviously been seeking. He hadn't failed to notice her absence the past two days.
Eventually he would talk to her – he'd make sure of it. But first, he had promised his class something. And he had always been a man of his word.
"This is my river," he said, pointing to the center of the white sheet of paper that was in his hand. Curved lines were drawn the length of the page, twisting and turning to form some type of aquatic snake that held all of his life's mysteries.
The mystery that was Tom Quincy was going to be revealed and even though Jude wanted to pretend that she wasn't interested anymore – she was. And she hated that some part of her was still drawn to him.
She watched his index finger move toward the very top of the page, where the river began. "On August 30, 1979, I was born. I was born in New York, but left when I was five."
It killed her that even after her heartfelt conversation with Kat the night before – that even after she promised herself she wasn't going to let him control her the way he had been – that even after she decided she was going to face him – there was still a connection, a bond that she couldn't undo.
The moment he began to talk about what they were being asked to do, her mind focused entirely on him and nothing else. It was riveted by his voice. His face. His body. How was it possible that after everything she had been through, she could still watch him with equal admiration – as if nothing had happened at all?
Was that love? Or some sick, sick obsession?
She watched his finger slide down to what looked like a small bush, but was really a bunch of pencil marks drawn in a circle.
"I had a relatively normal childhood," he continued. "In New York, I began to play baseball. However, I stopped playing when I got injured in high school."
She glanced at the floor as he continued to speak, realizing that with each fact that was shared, the man that stood in front of her became a stranger. She knew nothing about him. How was it that she loved him then?
He was only a name. A name that she couldn't get out of her head. A name that conjured a face in her mind and a feeling in her stomach.
"I moved to Toronto after that," he said, swallowing hard, knowing what was to come. "It was there that I found out my mother, Cecilia, was pregnant. But she later miscarried and I've been an only child ever since."
His mother had been the strongest woman he had ever known and to watch her go through the pain of hoping and wishing for another child, only to be disappointed, was heartbreaking. It was much like the pain he experienced with Angie. Things would have been so much easier if –
"When I was seven, I found my life calling – record producer," he said, a bright smile on his face. "It looked so cool on tv – working with all the hot chicks, making awesome music. But my dad thought it was a better hobby than a career, so I changed dreams when I got to visit him at work when I was 12. He was a teacher and getting to see him in his classroom made me fall in love with teaching."
Her mind rushed toward what could have been. Would her life have been different if he had followed his dream? Is that why he had pushed her to follow hers?
His finger traveled farther down, passing a tree and a swimming fish. "My parents married when I was ten. I got to be the best man."
Jude closed her eyes, willing her mind to shut him out. She couldn't take the new found information. It was all too hard – all too much. How could she not have known? These were things that she should have known – when they were together. But now, she had nothing. Nothing but a fragment of a relationship that was doomed from the start.
His finger stopped at a bend in the river. "High school was normal for me. I was pretty popular. I played baseball during the week and guitar on the weekend. Then during my senior year of high school – I met the love of my life."
A collective "aww" sounded in the room from all of the females. Except one of course.
He kept his head looking straight ahead of him, focusing all of his energy on continuing his story – all so that he didn't look to his right. He knew what he was doing – it wasn't the smartest idea though, but he didn't know any other way. Angie was still a sore subject for him – even with Jude knowing the truth. But he had only given her half of the story and he knew that sometime soon he'd have to give her the rest, but this was neither the time nor the place.
She tried to block out everything that was said after that, but his voice stayed in her head. She didn't want to hear how happy he was with her. How great life had been. How much he loved her. She knew the truth and she didn't want to know anything else.
"After high school, we stayed together, going to the same college. I even asked her to marry me," he said, taking a deep breath. "But then she miscarried and things just kind of fell apart."
Her eyes glanced up, staring at the white paper that was shaking in his hand. That's not what he told her. That's not what he had said. She remembered that night perfectly and she knew the word miscarried had never been uttered. It was in that moment that she realized who was standing in front of her.
Tom Quincy –
She should have known. Had he been telling the truth all along or was this just another example of how he had never let her in the way he should have?
"I thought I was a mess – I had thoughts of dropping out of school."
Her mind was a flurry of thoughts – each moment they had spent together, each kiss they had shared. Would he have lied to her like that?
"I eventually did drop out when I found out my dad died from cancer," he said, his voice cracking a bit. More than anything he had been through – his father's death had been the hardest thing to deal with. He was the only man he admired – the only man who had shown him what it was like to love someone and have that love returned. Seeing his parents together always made him think about how his mother could have ever loved –
"But with the help of my best friend, I was eventually able to move on and get my life back together."
He forced himself not to turn his head – not to look in her direction. He could only imagine the things she was thinking – how much she hated him. But this is how it had to be – no one could know the truth. At least not anyone who didn't matter.
"I went back to school and even moved back to New York for a bit to do my student teaching."
His finger slid to the bottom of the page where a large apple stood out from the edges of his river.
"And now I'm here at Carson Hill and loving every moment of it."
The corners of his lips turned up into a smile and his hands dropped to his side, the white paper stuck between two fingers. The class erupted in applause; the noise deafening Tom's thought process. It proved to be a good distraction.
The only one who wasn't distracted was Jude. She couldn't stop thinking. As he finished his 'river,' she thought about one thing – his instructions. I trust that none of you will repeat anything that is said the next few days – it will only cause unwanted trouble. She didn't know if it really was for their sake or for his own.
The class quieted – the only sound now: mindless chatter. He didn't have anything else planned for the remainder of the class period so he let them do their own thing. It was a good thing too – his head wasn't able to do anything but overreact.
He walked around his desk and fell into his chair, not caring if the action messed up anything around him. It was too late for that – everything was messed up. He swung the chair, facing the familiar white wall to his left – a wall he hadn't looked at in months, all thanks to some girl who was now plaguing his thoughts.
Jude.
Her eyes focused on the back of his chair – this time, not willing him to turn around. She didn't think she'd be able to handle it if he did. But there was still one problem – she had to talk to him. Face to face.
Fuck.
Knowing she had little time before he pulled another disappearing act on her, she pushed herself out of her chair. Her knees shook under her weight, the uncertainty in her head flowing to other parts of her body.
She could do this. She was strong. Regardless of what had gone on today, she could walk over to him and say what was on her mind.
She could. She would.
Her feet carried her to his desk, her heart beats accelerating with each step. Her fingers grazed the pressed wood of his desk and she stopped. She stood frozen, feeling some unknown connection to the man sitting before her.
Her eyes took in the sight in front of her, waiting to see if he noticed her standing next to him. He still looked the same – same chiseled jaw, same long, muscular arms, same callused fingers, same long-lashed blue eyes. She swallowed hard, remembering to breathe.
He could feel her presence along his skin – some invisible heat radiating from her body to his. It was maddening – literally.
He turned his head, his eyes locking with hers. Her jaw clenched. He had to constrain himself not to smile.
He waited for her to tell him exactly why she was standing in front of him – if he was honest with himself, he already knew the answer, but he really wanted to hear her voice so he stayed silent.
She opened her mouth, her voice a mere whisper. "I need to talk to you."
He never responded – instead he turned his head back towards the white wall. Her bottom lip found its way between her teeth and she walked away, knowing with a certainty that he understood.
As she placed her oversized purse on her shoulder the bell rang and students began to file out.
She could feel her confidence fade as each student walked through the threshold. This was something she hadn't thought about.
But she had to stay strong.
He stood up and walked around his desk, knowing that soon she'd have to say whatever it was that she was thinking and that it probably wouldn't change anything. He still loved her. No matter what. She was still the one he wanted.
The last student left the room and the door closed lightly, the lock clicking in place.
The sound registered in her head – loud and clear.
That's when everything set in for her.
Her eyes darted towards him and his eyes locked with hers – something bubbling underneath the calm façade he had used during their class.
She gazed at him with wide eyes, almost afraid of what might happen. The one thing she hadn't remembered registered in her head as her eyes stared at him.
She was alone with him. If something did happen, no one knew where she was. No one would come to her rescue. Instinctively, her eyes darted towards the door – her only exit.
Tom's eyes followed and a smile formed on his face. He gazed back at her. "What did you want to talk about, Miss Harrison?"
The formal introduction was enough to make Jude forget about being afraid. Nothing else seemed more important than letting him know exactly how she felt.
"Cut the bullshit, Tom."
His face never changed – he stayed smiling. "My name is Mr. Quincy, Miss Harrison. That is the most appropriate greeting in a classroom setting."
Her face flushed, feeling her blood rush through her veins a little faster. She cocked her head to the side. "So it was appropriate to fuck your student, but I can't call you Tom? You are a hypocritical bastard."
His gaze seemed to say it all – he thought she was being cute and funny. Fucking patronizing jackass. "Jude, I really don't appreciate your tone – "
Her eyes narrowed. "You threw a rock through my window, I don't fucking care what you think about my tone."
His face stayed a semblance of an angel. "I have no idea what you're talking about. Maybe the late nights out with Jonathan are messing with your head," he said, his voice harsher as each word exited his lips.
Her jaw clenched. "Stay away from me. I don't want anything to do with you."
Jude turned to walk away from him, but the laugh that exited his lips quickly faltered her steps. It was cold and menacing – as if he wasn't afraid or affected by her statement. Her fear grew, climbing its way up her spine with nimble fingers.
"And if I don't?"
Her jaw grew harder, a desperation filling her entire body. She turned her head, gazing at him over her shoulder. "You have no idea what I'm capable of."
His eyes glinted and she looked away. Suddenly, the door felt miles away and she could barely lift her legs to move. She could feel him coming towards her, but her body stayed.
"I know exactly what that body is capable of," he said, his voice husky. "It can make a man go crazy."
Her body involuntarily shuddered even though a heat had begun to rise in her. She couldn't react that way to him. Not anymore. Not after what he had done.
His eyes danced over her skin, waiting for her to pounce. She had no idea the things she did –was doing – to him.
If she turned her head, she would be mere centimeters from his face. But this time, things were different. And she couldn't – wouldn't – give in.
"You're already fucking crazy, so why does it matter?" she responded, feeling light-headed. The closer he stood her, the faster her thoughts moved, but her fear was still there.
You say there's something wrong in my head
So I like to bleed
His lips turned into a grim line. He could sense the fear, the worry, the anticipation. He wanted it. But this wasn't the place. School would never be the place.
"You haven't seen anything yet," he whispered into her hair. He moved his head slightly and placed a delicate kiss on her cheek. He backed away and silently walked towards the door. A few seconds later, he was gone.
She stood there, frozen in place. Her breathing quickened. She turned frantically, looking for any means of support. She leaned on a desk behind her – her body weakened against the wood. Her breathing started to become erratic and she could feel the hot springs of tears forming. She bit her bottom lip hard, almost drawing blood – anything to stop thinking.
Her mind jumped from thought to thought – word to word – action to action – but all she could see was his face. She couldn't get it out of her head.
A surge of strength poured through her and her first instinct was to scream. But she couldn't.
She had only one option – get away.
She ran towards the door and opened it quickly, never waiting to hear it clash back into its threshold.
Her body took her passed buildings that formed one big mass of color, her eyes missing the lone man standing amongst them all, watching her – waiting.
She made her way to her car, sitting in the parking lot, never checking for footsteps behind her.
- - - - - -
Her knuckles turned bright white, her hands strangling the steering wheel. The light turned red and her foot subconsciously stepped on the brake, her tires screeching softly.
Her eyes glanced at the intersection, a pedestrian flipping her off as she crossed the street. A sigh escaped from her lips and she loosened her grip on the steering wheel.
She was surprised that she had been able to drive so safely with all the thoughts in her head. She was still nowhere near calm, but driving seemed to make time fly by. The roads had gone on for miles as she drove. There had been no plan when she left school. She didn't know where to go. There weren't very many places that held solitude for her – at least not anymore.
The light turned green and her foot pressed on the gas. Her eyes darted towards her right and a familiar sight caused her heart to drop. Without thinking, she changed lanes and cut off the Suburban on her right, earning herself a honk and a few silent expletives.
She didn't care, pulling into the parking lot and parking in a random spot. Her hand cut the engine and put the keys into her pocket.
Her heart told her to get out of the car, but her mind was thinking otherwise. Her hands started to perspire and she had to remind herself to breathe.
Taking one last long breath, she opened her door and got out of the car. She shut the door and leaned against the car, trying to decide her next move.
Her heart ached in her chest, hearing the water crash against the rocks.
Everything looked the same, but she was definitely not the same.
Maybe this was her time for solitude.
- - - - - -
The wind picked up, blowing a light breeze through his open window. He closed his eyes – savoring the few moments of calmness. He knew things were going to change soon.
His fingers leisurely tapped a tune against the door frame of car. He was waiting. He knew there were very few places that she would go to. She wouldn't stay away for long.
And he bet that sometime soon, she'd make it back to the loft.
He just had to be patient.
Don't say that it's over
I'd kill to be closer
A moment I'm passing to you
But to me
I will wait
- - - - - -
She didn't stay at the pier very long – just long enough to realize she needed more than the constant reminder of Tom.
It was hard for her mind not to replay her birthday over and over in her head until she had memorized their lines as if they were from a movie.
She wanted that kind of happiness again. And it made her cringe to know that her heart added Tom to the mix when she wasn't looking. Things had been good and then they just –
She couldn't even find an explanation. It was hard to believe that Tom was that jealous of her friendship with Jonathan. That he could think those things about her – as if she was just like Angie.
But she knew she wasn't.
She could never do those things to him.
Cheat. Get an abortion. Leave.
But it didn't add up. Nothing did. The things he had said to her and the things he revealed during class were not the same thing. What was the truth? Did she even want to know?
Yes.
Maybe it was because she had the faintest shred of hope in him – in them. That they could be fixed. Was she strong enough to fix them?
Yes.
She needed him. Unlike anything she had ever experienced. And it hurt to know that things had ended so badly when they had been so good.
Was it because there was something he wasn't telling her? Or did he really believe he was right?
She didn't know. But she planned on finding out.
Her foot hit the gas and the Mustang sped. She had something to do.
- - - - - -
His hand traced circles on the wood, the cold smooth surface steadying his bubbling blood. He took a deep breath and inhaled the wonderful scent that was Jude.
His patience was wearing thin, but he knew – he could feel it. She would come. She had to.
He walked farther into Jude's bedroom, glancing at the mirror next to her chest of drawers.
A stranger looked back at him with dark circles under his eyes, a bad five 'o' clock shadow, and eyes that burned black.
People should hide their spare keys better, he thought. You can't trust anyone anymore.
He turned around and walked towards the door, flipping the light off. He made his way to the oversized chair next to her closet and took a seat.
There was only one thing left to do: wait.
- - - - - -
The confidence she had gained in the drive back to her loft didn't waiver as she made her way down the hallway. She was prepared now.
If he showed up, she'd get to the bottom of whatever it was that was making him act like a madman. She was sure of it.
But the moment she opened the door to the loft – pins pricks of fear sprouted all over her body. She flicked on the light in the foyer and slammed the door shut. Her bag and jacket fell on the floor in the foyer and she walked farther into the living room.
She inhaled a deep breath – there was a something different in the air. She couldn't place the change, but she knew it was there.
Confidence began to surge through her veins again as she decided to take charge. She turned around, heading for her bag. But something from the corner of her eye stopped her.
Her bedroom door was open and she could see inside it very clearly.
The sight of her bed called to her – reminding her of the long, exhausting day she endured. Putting off calling Tom, she walked toward her room. Her hand grazed the door, pushing it open a few inches more.
With her mind completely void of everything troubling – including Tom – Jude climbed on to her bed and she placed her head on her pillow.
She didn't bother with lights, blankets, clothes, or the man sitting in the chair next to her closet.
If she had – a good night's sleep might not have come so easily.
You say I'm scaring you now but I'm tired
From watching you sleep
A few hours passed by and Tom silently sighed, running his hand through his hair. His waiting game had begun to tire him out.
He glanced at his watch, the face reading 8:30 pm. He raised his arms, stretching his back, but realized the small space he inhabited was not enough. He stood up and raised his arms above his head, reveling in the feeling of his stretched muscles.
Jude stirred softly, turning her head to the other side. His eyes focused in on her and he walked towards her.
It took all of his strength to keep his breath steady and his voice silent. He wanted her to know he was there, but knew his sudden presence would scare her. That wasn't something he wanted to do.
He gazed down at her face, her eyes fluttering every few seconds, her lips opened just slightly. His hand instinctively reached out and cupped her cheek.
Her warm skin caused chills to run down Tom's spine, but it was what she murmured that caused his heart to stop.
"I love you."
His thumb traced along her skin and she brought her arms closer to her chest, curling up in a ball.
It was all too much for him in that moment.
It brought back too many memories – ones that he'd like to forget if he could.
He let go of her cheek and turned around, opening the door.
He had to move.
- - - - - -
Jude woke up a half an hour later, her head still reeling for her dream. Her chest clenched as the dream played back in the dark room.
Her birthday.
Finally get to see Tom the way she wanted.
She sat up, pulling her knees up with her. It felt so real. Every touch, every taste, every kiss. It's probably why it frightened her so much – to know that everything she had been going through was not just some made up story.
She swallowed hard, fighting back tears that she knew were beginning to form.
Her throat burned and she cringed. She pulled back the covers and got out of bed, heading for the kitchen. She kicked off her Converse and pulled back the door more.
Heading down the hallway, she passed the bathroom and closed her eyes.
That room no longer held good memories for her.
She was halfway through the living room when something from the corner of her eye caused her to stop.
A jacket.
A jacket much like Tom's.
Without thinking, she walked up to the couch and picked the jacket up. The leather felt cold in her hand. She brought it up to her nose, inhaling deeply.
Her throat burned again and her hand dropped the jacket. It slid off the couch and onto the floor, but before she could reach down and pick it up – she was stopped.
A hand covered her mouth and her first reaction was to scream, but even as she opened her mouth – nothing came out. Her heart had begun to race and when she sensed the warm body next her, his smell wafting up her nose again, she cringed.
She could do this. Why was she freaking out?
"Please don't scream."
That. That's why. He could do this to her.
Her breath came in rapid spurts and she tried everything in her will not to cry. His grasp on her arm tightened and he pulled her towards him, her back flush against him. She turned rigid, still as stone as his hand traced lines down her arm.
"Calm down, Jude."
A sardonic laugh rang out in her head. How was she suppose to calm down – when he was doing this to her?
She closed her eyes tightly, willing her body to loosen up, hoping her breathing would turn to a semblance of normal. After a full minute of almost silence – her ears only filling with his breath – she felt her muscles begin to weaken.
He could feel them too.
"Good girl."
A pang struck in her heart, having heard the word "girl." It reminded her of a different world. One where she would have been happy – thrilled even – to be in his arms. But now all she wanted to do was run.
"You promise not to scream."
Her head instinctively nodded – even though her mind had not made the promise.
Slowly, he took his hand away from her mouth. He waited for her to respond. She didn't move – didn't say anything. He turned her around – as if she was the next participant in a game of Pin-The-Tail-On-The-Donkey.
Jude gazed away, keeping her eyes on the familiar carpet beneath her feet. His finger grazed the bottom of her chin and she shuttered, her heart suddenly beating faster.
"Look at me."
She shook her head.
His jaw tightened. She left him no choice. "Look at me!" he yelled.
The harshness in his voice caused her to jump and she could feel her eyes start to tear instantly. His hand instinctively cupped her chin. "Please don't cry, Jude."
She closed her eyes and a lone tear ran down her cheek. His thumb instantly wiped it away. The familiar touch caused Jude to open her eyes, but as she gazed up at Tommy, her heart stopped.
This was not the man she fell in love with – this was a shell of that man. Someone cold and hard. Someone crazy.
Had she done that to him?
Had she made him crazy?
"Why are you doing this?" she whispered, a fear in her voice unlike any other.
He smiled widely and as it reached his eyes, Jude shuddered. "Because I love you."
A chill ran up her spine and his smile faltered. "Do you love me?"
Her mind stalled between the truth and a lie. She didn't know what was better – for her – for him – for them.
She nodded, biting her bottom lip. "I do."
His eyes narrowed, gazing at her intensely. After a few seconds, he responded. "You're lying," he stated coldly.
Her jaw clenched and she shook her head. His grasp on her upper arms tightened and he pulled her flush against him. "Don't lie to me, Jude," he said.
She swallowed nervously, feeling the heat between their bodies. She hated being this close to him. She hated how he could look at her and know the truth.
"But – "
His hand quickly grabbed her face and held it in place. "Don't lie to me."
She stared into his eyes for a few seconds and then he let go. "I'm not lying, Tom." He gazed at her, trying to read her face. Then he smiled.
Jude's entire body relaxed. She sighed heavily, glancing away at the floor.
His other hand let go of her upper arm and Jude looked up at him, wondering why he had let her go.
He smiled again and for a split second, Jude saw something flash on his face. A semblance of something so insignificant she almost cried.
He was happy. Happy to have her near. Happy to know she wouldn't run. Happy to know he was in control.
She didn't know exactly what it was, but it made her both afraid and hopeful.
She reached out and pulled in him into a hug – hoping that she'd be able to preserve the happiness in his eyes for more than a split second.
She placed her head on his chest and for the first time in over a week, she wasn't disgusted by his touch. He kissed the top of her head, reveling in the smell of her hair. This was definitely easier than he thought it would be.
She looked up at him and he kissed her forehead. She closed her eyes and a semblance of a smile formed on her face. His lips touched the tip of her nose, her cheek, her jaw. His breath danced on her skin and her eyes fluttered open.
He leaned down and she watched as he placed his lips on hers. At first there was no response on her end. She was too stunned to do anything. His eyes locked with hers and the happiness was back.
She pressed her body into him, not caring about the pain that the buttons on his shirt were causing her pain or how tense her muscles still were. She needed him to know she was okay – even when she wasn't completely sure herself.
His tongue ran across the bottom of her lip and granted him entrance. A heat began to surge through her veins and her hands ran up his neck to cup his face.
A soft moan exited her lips as he let her go, their foreheads resting flush against each other.
A wide smile formed on his face and her chest clenched. This was how it was suppose to be. All the time. A small smile formed on her lips and she backed away slightly.
Her eyes darted over his body – taking in the sight. Her hands ran down his shoulders and over his shirt. She wrapped her arms around his waist, her body flush against him, and her right hand fumbled over something hard and bulky. Her eyes narrowed, glancing down and then she instinctively looked up at and locked eyes with him.
He smiled down at her and then answered her silent question. "We can be together – with no interference."
Don't say that its over
You can't live without me
I'd kill to be closer
I'd kill to be closer
Her eyes widened and her heart started to race again, a cold shiver running down her spine. No. He wouldn't. "You can't!" she shouted.
He shrugged nonchalantly, shaking his head. Why was she making this harder than it had to be? "Why not?"
"Because his parents – they – they – " she fumbled, her breathing becoming erratic.
"They'll be fine, Jude," he responded lovingly. He cupped her cheek, his thumb rubbing her skin.
She wrapped her hand around his, halting his movement. "No," she replied sternly. "Don't."
"Jude."
"Please, don't," she pleaded, her eyes begging him. "For me."
"But Jude – " he started.
"He doesn't matter," she said, shaking her head. She gazed up at him and saw the questioning look in his eyes. "Only we matter."
You can't live without me
She noticed the questioning in his eyes leave, something else storming in all together. His eyes darted around the room, briefly gazing into hers. His hands dropped from her waist and she watched him back away from her as if he suddenly realized what he had been doing for the very first time.
It was beginning to scare her. Her heart rate quickened and her jaw clenched.
His back hit a wall and for the first time in a very long time, he could see. Everything became clear for him. What he had almost done. What he was doing.
The moment Jude's last words left her mouth, something in him switched. He could sense it. And he knew what it was.
Something Kwest had warned him about too many times to count.
He was letting him back in – this man that he had barely known, but could consciously tell when he had been ready to strike. He had been so young then, barely starting kindergarten. But he knew.
He could sense it then, just as he could sense it now.
He wanted to forget what happened, but he couldn't. It was engrained in him, a genetic predisposition for turning into a jackass whenever he felt his territory was being tread on.
He had watched him that day and silently vowed to never let that happen again, but it had. With Angie. And now with Jude.
He had to make it stop.
He had to let go.
A warm hand rested on his cheek and he glanced up. He never saw her crouch beside him. He didn't think she'd ever want to be close to him again.
Her hand trembled as he gazed at her, his eyes locking with hers. A faint smile formed on her face, hiding the fear that had welled inside her. But he could see it in her eyes. He had scared her.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, feeling his throat tighten. He could sense his breakdown coming. He hadn't felt like this in years. 3 years to be exact. He hated it. He had denied what Kwest had said for so long and he actually believed that he could make it go away. He thought he had.
But he was wrong.
And another person had paid for it – again.
She could see the torment storming in his eyes. She didn't know why he was apologizing – why now and she didn't care because she actually believed him. There was a pain in his face that she had never noticed before and she suddenly wanted to know…everything.
"I never wanted to hurt you. I swear," he breathed.
She nodded her head silently, still too afraid to say anything. His hand covered hers and she jumped slightly, the touch frightening her. He pulled her hand away.
He cradled it in his hand, rubbing her palm with his thumb. He couldn't bring himself to look her in the eyes. He was too afraid.
"I thought things had changed. That he wasn't – " he started.
Her brow furrowed in confusion. "He wasn't what?"
"That he wasn't in my head," he said, pointing to his temple. He raised his head and locked his eyes with hers. Her throat constricted. It was as if a scared 5 year old Tom was staring back at her, one lone tear shining against his bronze skin.
She wanted to ask him exactly what he was talking about – maybe this was why everything was so messed up. But she couldn't bring herself to do it.
He glanced away. "I keep hurting everyone I love," he whispered.
She squeezed his hand tightly, but he didn't look at her. "I don't want to hurt you anymore."
She nodded silently, unable to form the right words. "I have to make things better."
She bit her bottom lip. He raised his head once again. "But before I do, I need you to know that I never lied to you. I do love you. Angie just – I didn't make things easy for her."
"Like you haven't made things easy for me?" she replied. Instantly, she closed her eyes, silently reprimanding herself. Of course the first words out of her mouth would be something against him.
A grim smile formed on his face – one that looked as if it caused him actual physical pain. "I haven't made things easy for anyone. But I have to make things better – for Angie – for you – for everyone."
"Okay. And I will be – "
"As far away from me as possible."
Her eyes widened. "What?"
He sighed, trying to find the right words to say – words that would make things easier. But he knew that was asking for a miracle. "I don't want to hurt you anymore, Jude."
"I deserve better?" she mocked.
He nodded. "You do. And I can't be better if I know that you'll take me back no matter how many times I fuck up. That's not fair," he said.
"And what you're doing is?" she asked.
"I don't know. I just know that – "
"You – "
"I have to do this alone." His eyes locked with hers and she knew there was no chance of persuading him otherwise.
A lone tear ran down her right cheek and Tom's hand rushed to wipe it away. "Please don't cry, Girl."
Jude bit her bottom lip hard, trying to keep the rest of the tears that were trying to fall at bay. He had to just throw out the word 'Girl', didn't he? She closed her eyes tightly, a few stubborn tears escaping.
He pulled his hand away from her face and she opened her eyes, glancing at the drops of water on his palm.
"You asked for the impossible, you know that?"
His blue eyes locked with hers and a crooked smile formed on his face. It took all of her strength not to kiss him in that moment. "I'm still asking," he said.
She nodded her head slowly. "I know. I can't make any promises, but I'll try." She could do this – she could be strong – for him. She had to be.
"That's all I need."
A/N: Preview:
Chapter 24
"The River"
Teasers will be posted on my FF profile shortly.