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And as always much love to my incredibly patient Beta cookie-monster-kiki.
Chapter Three
Even with the windows opened, introducing the cool breeze to the tension filled room, Hazelle still felt confined. She had arrived at her normal time in the morning to begin the day's tasks.
She was surprised to find Peeta and Katniss already up sitting at the dining table, their empty tea cups scattered around the top of the finished wood.
Peeta was leaning over the table, his hands gripping onto the edges while Katniss lightly banged her head onto the table from her sitting position across from him.
"Is it really necessary to know all of their names?"
Peeta sighed, his patience thinning," Yes. It's your obligation to be the mediator for me when we're conversing with Capitol dignitaries and citizens. You have to show no room for error when dealing with these people. If they feel you're not confident in your position, they will look poorly upon us."
Katniss lifted her head, her eyes narrowing," You mean you. They would look poorly upon you."
"Katniss , we only have a short time for you to learn everything you'll need to know." Peeta stood up running his hands over his face," Do you think we can limit the amount of tantrums you throw?"
Katniss continued to glare at the blonde man across from her as she threw her hands up," Alright, so I had a little outburst!"
"Katniss you threw a cup against the wall when I made you walk down the steps."
"First off, it was after you made me walk up and down the stair case for about the hundredth time, convinced by posture was unacceptable… and I told you it slipped out of my hand!"
Peeta nodded, his lips pressed together tightly," So… and let me make sure I understand this correctly, the teacup slipped out of your hand and just happened to fly to the opposite wall and shatter?"
Katniss leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms," You're an ass!"
Peeta threw up his arms again," Oh, that's very mature. Thank you Katniss for your contribution to the conversation!"
"Oh I can be much more giving, but it would mean having to punch you in the face!"
Peeta glared at her," See, that's what we need to break, your inclinations to become violent. Your first instinct is to attack."
"Yeah, well it got me this far."
"It won't in this world. You're not living in the sewer pipes anymore Katniss. Everyone will be watching us closely to see if we fail. They're all counting on it to be honest."
Katniss lowered her head looking to the side," I don't care."
"Yes, you do."
"So, learning every cabinet member's name or how to curtsy will prove that I deserve to be there? Are you really that delusional?"
"I know how important having to play the part is. So yes, studying etiquette, propriety and seemingly useless facts can cement your standing in their eyes."
"That's ridiculous."
"The Capitol doesn't care about character Katniss, they only recognize what and who can assist their own agendas and if you refuse to play the game than they have no need for you. If you can't understand and adapt to that sort of lifestyle, I have no idea why you're here in the first place."
After that Katniss straightened her posture before reciting the names of the dignitaries should she encounter when assisting Peeta.
Hazelle watched the two of them, each disconnected from the other, both going through the motions.
She had finished with prepping the ingredients for the midday meal when she heard the banging of hands against the table.
Hazelle sat the clear glass bowl she had been holding down gently on the counter as she walked to the dining room, wiping her hands on her floor length skirt.
Katniss was standing up; her chair had been pushed back recklessly threatening to tip over on its side before landing straight on the floor.
Peeta was leaning up against the wall, his hands in his hair as he gripped onto the strands tightly.
"I quit! I'm not doing this anymore! I'm tired and my ass hurts from sitting for hours, my head hurts from all the nonsense you keep shoving at me, and I think I've had to pee for the last hour but I I've been too terrified that you wouldn't let me go!"
Peeta lowered his hands, his brow furrowing," Do you really think I wouldn't allow you to use the restroom? Do you know how nuts you sound?"
Katniss' shoulders fell before her back stiffened. She pointed a finger towards him," Don't you ever say that to me again."
"So you're just going to quit?"
"Yes."
Katniss turned around walking out of the room, but not before pushing her chair down to the ground.
"Just send me back to the sewers!"
Hazelle watched Katniss run up the stairs, most likely heading to her room. Her assumptions were proven right when the slamming of a door echoed through the house.
Peeta pushed himself off of the wall to lean forward on the cluttered table. A few of the cups tipped on their sides from the force, the clinking of porcelain sounding through the room.
His bangs hung out in front of him as his face looked towards the floor. He could hear her footsteps as she made her way over to him. Peeta was about to stand up when he felt a hard slap connect with the back of his head.
He sprung up one hand going to his scalp the other extended before him in defense," OW! What the hell Hazelle!"
Hazelle's normal soft eyes were now stern," What is wrong with you?"
"At the moment, I have someone attacking me!"
"No, before," Hazelle motioned towards the stairs where Katniss had made her exit," that girl has been thrown into something she doesn't understand or relate to and you are treating her like some animal you have to train."
"She needs to know these things."
"Why? Because it's expected of her? Peeta she needs room to breathe. That poor girl has been through so much in the last few days, hell in her whole life. She doesn't need someone else trying to fit her into their idea of what is acceptable. She needs you to help her find her way," Hazelle watched him as he hunched his shoulders over looking to the floor," but that's it isn't it? You're more lost than she is."
Peeta righted his posture looking to her," I know who I am and I know that what I need to do here is get her to where she needs to be. That's away from here."
"Why is it so difficult for you to have her near? It baffles me how the two of you are so similar and neither of you can see it."
"Is that so?"
"Yes. Don't think I don't still remember that gangly boy with all the blonde hair who wouldn't sleep in his bed but rather slept on the floor for months. The boy who spent most of his free time locked in his room with a pencil and a pad of paper." Peeta looked to the side, deliberately avoiding her gaze." I also remember when you came back from your first quote-on-quote visit to the Capitol; you wouldn't speak for a week."
"What's your point?"
"My point is, Katniss is who you were before all the politics, before you sacrificed your character for the Capitol's approval: a scared child trying to make sense of it all, of anything."
Peeta looked to her, his eyes hard," I don't employ you for your opinions."
Hazelle nodded," You're right you don't, but I am one of the only people you gives a damn about you. And I know I've earned the respect for you to not treat me as though I'm some disposable employee. And that girl up there, she needs you to recognize how difficult this has been for her."
Peeta ran his hand over his face," I know, I just—" Peeta let out a deep breath, he could feel his eyes well up with tears," She makes everything complicated."
"You two do see things differently—"
"No, it's not that. She makes me… I don't know."
Hazelle studied his face." Where's your head right now?"
"I don't know."
"Well you need to figure it out and quickly too." Hazelle turned around to walk towards the stairs," I'm going to go check on Katniss."
Peeta watched as she left the room, his shoulders hunching over, as a few unshed tears rolled down his face.
Katniss ran into her room and slammed the door. She threw herself to the floor and pressed her back up against the wall. He infuriated her, treating her like an insolent child.
He acted as though he was above her and having to be in the same room as her was an insult to his character.
Peeta confused her. At times he could be so open with her but usually he was cold, holding a part of himself back.
Katniss assumed he thought of her as most Capitol people did, as a waste of space, something that needed to be ignored or erased.
The soft knocking from the other side of the door drew her out of her thought process. Katniss didn't make an effort to move, her hands sitting in her lap, as the door opened slowly.
Hazelle leaned half of her body into the room using the door frame for leverage. Her dark hair was now free of its usual braid; the brunette strands falling down to her waist as she her curved her back.
"Hello."
Katniss sighed," Hazelle, I don't need you to come and check up on me. I'm not some pathetic girl who falls apart because a boy was mean to her."
Hazelle nodded, as she righted her body," I know, and I didn't come to check on you." Hazelle stepped over the threshold, entering the room fully," I have things to do, like straightening the rooms."
Katniss furrowed her brow," Really?"
Hazelle walked over to the already made bed," Yes, really." The older woman smoothed out the slight wrinkles of the bedspread," What other reason would I have to come up here?"
Hazelle walked around the room straightening objects that were already in their appropriate places and wiped surfaces which were already clean. Her back was to Katniss when she heard the younger girl shift on the floor, the wooden boards beneath her creaking.
"I'm afraid."
Hazelle smiled to herself, grateful the girl had decided to open up to her. She sighed quietly before turning to Katniss, the older woman's smile having left her face.
"What was that dear?"
"I'm afraid that they were right."
"Who?"
"The Capitol citizens, the house mothers at the orphanage. When they would tell me I was nothing more than trash, that there was nothing exceptionally special about me. I'm afraid that if I decide to become more than what I am now, that I'll fail. And in return… just prove them right."
Hazelle walked over to her, kneeling in front of the girl, the tips of her fingers next to Katniss' toes," You don't know that."
Katniss looked up to Hazelle her gray eyes full of tears," I should just run. I know how to leave, it's what I've always done, it's easy for me."
"Yes, it is easy. And it doesn't take much effort, and really it is all you're capable of right?"
Katniss pursed her lips, a few tears falling to the edges of her lips," I—"
Hazelle continued over Katniss' interruption," Because it's not like you survived on your own for so long, or that you were able to hold onto a piece of yourself through all of the pain you must have endured. Or even that you were capable of so much strength to trust a complete stranger. Katniss, if you were able to do all those things, then reciting a few names and being polite around the hubris of Capitol citizens shouldn't be anything out of your grasp."
"All of those things were something I had to do or I wouldn't have survived."
"Katniss, my point is that it is easier to run from the things that scare us but staying takes so much more strength," Hazelle reached out, her fingers picking up a strand of dark hair and moving it behind the younger girl's ear," And strength my dear is something you have."
Hazelle kept her hand at Katniss' cheek before retracting it to rest in her lap.
Hazelle cleared her throat as she settled on the floor, her long skirt almost trapping her feet," A few years ago, I lost my husband in an accident. One of the tunnels in the mine shaft collapsed. He was my everything Katniss, and when he left me and our three sons behind, my whole world disintegrated. There was a point when I seriously debated leaving my home and my children because everything reminded me of my loss. He was in the faces of our boys and in the way my oldest Gale would say things. He sounded just like his father. But I ultimately decided that my pain wasn't important enough to hurt the people I loved. And then about three months later, a young boy with a kind face came to live here and I realized that staying gave me a purpose, it allowed me to help someone who needed it."
"There's more to it besides just deciding to stay. Peeta and I don't understand each other. We're completely different."
Hazelle leaned her head to the side, a grin forming at her lips," You know for someone so smart, that is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard leave your mouth. Heck, anyone's mouth, and I've raised three boys, four if you count Peeta!"
"What?"
"You two are a pair. The one complains that the other one doesn't understand when you're both wrong. You and Peeta have more in common than you know, but the both of you are so damn stubborn neither one of you will give in enough to actually learn something."
"Hazelle, you were down there. Peeta couldn't hide his aggravation towards me. Hell, he can barely be in the same room with me."
"Katniss, sometimes fear can be masked as irritation. For someone like Peeta who feels so much but can't get out of his own head, the translation can come out a bit muddled."
"What should I do?"
Hazelle shook her head," I can't tell you what to do. All I can say is that I think you should trust in yourself and not give into what may be easier. You're a good girl Katniss; you already know what's best for you, don't you?"
Katniss nodded, a smile beginning to form, as she wiped the tears from her face with the back of her hand.
Peeta had been pacing the dining room since Hazelle had gone up stairs. He wouldn't be surprised if the floor boards were now scraped by the heels of his boots.
He regretted how he had been treating Katniss, his fear of having her near had become spiteful. He was ashamed of himself, of how he allowed his own anxieties to bleed over to how he related to her.
Peeta shoved his hands into his blonde hair, his tense fingers working through the strands. His hands stopped at the back of his neck, massaging the muscles there as he tried to work through the tension which had settled.
He stopped in his tracks, closing his eyes when he heard footsteps descending into the foyer connecting to the dining area.
Peeta pressed his fingertips into the skin at the edge of his hairline as he rolled his shoulders forward.
"Hazelle, you were right. I was an ass to the girl. You can spare yourself from having to lecture me again."
"You were an ass," Peeta's eyes flew open as he spun around, spotting her by the door frame," but you weren't the only one."
Peeta watched her closely, his eyes working their way down her body. A light pink dress with a high neckline hung down around her knees, the hem wisped from the breeze traveling through the room.
His eyes traveled down the olive skin of her legs landing on her bare feet. Katniss shuffled and rotated her ankles under his gaze. He had a way of making her feel anxious along with a warm feeling which originated from her stomach and made it's way up her chest to her face.
Peeta cleared his throat before looking up to her face, which was now framed by waves of dark strands. She was absolutely captivating and he had to remind himself to breath.
Peeta felt self conscious under her eyes, causing him to swallow before he spoke," I wasn't fair to you earlier. I shouldn't have pushed you like that. I just see so much in you, so much potential."
"You think I have potential?"
"Yes."
"It was wrong, how I acted. I think I was just… am, petrified of failing. No one's ever expected anything of me and to have you put your faith in my ability to pull this off, it scares me." Katniss could feel the tears well up, causing her to look to the ground, her squirming feet in view," I'm not good at being vulnerable."
Peeta walked over to her, his pace was painstakingly slow, but he didn't want to scare her off and negate any of the progress they had just made.
When he was a few feet from her, he inched towards her until he could smell the lavender from her soap surrounding him. He closed his eyes drinking her in, before reaching out to touch the side of her face.
His fingers spread out slowly before catching in her dark hair, his hand tangling there beside her face. His thumb rested beside her jaw line, as he lifted her face up towards his.
Her gray eyes were shining from the tears collecting there, her mouth slightly open. Her feet had stilled when she had felt his hand against her face, a blush had formed there.
Her chest began to rise and fall rapidly as her pulse raced from the heat coming from his skin and collecting against hers.
"We're in this together Katniss, I promise."
She nodded mutely, fighting the urge to lean into his palm before he pulled his hand free. She immediately missed the sensation of his skin against hers, even if it was only minimal.
Katniss searched his blue eyes as he watched her in return. Something had shifted between them, and Katniss wasn't sure if it was something to celebrate or dread.
After Peeta had stepped back from her, they had stood there watching each other, both waiting for the other to break the connection.
Peeta could feel the space between them crackle and he wanted more than anything to act in the moment and bring her body to his. To see if it felt the same it had when he was thirteen. He ached to feel her body pressed against his.
Katniss was the first to look away and Peeta couldn't push back the pain he felt to not have her eyes on him. She fiddled with the hem of her dress before she turned sideways facing the door frame.
Peeta wanted to close the gap between them. He was tempted to touch her but not gentle like before. He wanted to pull her to him, to kiss her the way he dreamed of, with conviction and passion.
Rationally he knew that doing such things were against how he should be acting towards her. When it came to concerning Katniss, he needed to distance himself, even if he wasn't going to be so cold towards her.
Nothing had changed; he was still determined to have her live a life free of struggles. He knew that giving into his urges wouldn't help in the least.
She had given him a sideways glance before leaving the room without a word. Peeta felt himself involuntarily taking a step forward but luckily she had already disappeared up the stairs.
He had paced the floor of the dining room for nearly a half hour before he made his way towards the staircase.
Gripping the banister, Peeta ascended up the stairs. When he reached the landing he turned towards her room. He had originally decided to make his way to his own room but the memory of her so close was still in his mind.
The door was halfway open. He could see the modest wooden dresser from the opening as he walked further. When he reached the door, Peeta pushed it forward slowly, a long squeeking sound from the hinges echoing.
He breathed in deeply before stepping forward over the threshold; he wanted to prepare himself for when he saw her again.
He wasn't exactly sure what he was expecting. He had already decided he wasn't going to allow anything physical to happen between them.
When he stepped fully into the room, he could feel the absence of her presence. Katniss had a way of filling a room and without her the space felt empty.
Peeta stood in the room for a few seconds before he realized how pathetic it was that his need to be close to her would be fulfilled by simply standing in her empty room.
He shook his head at his own stupidity, turning to leave, until he saw the tattered leather binding still lying on the nightstand.
Peeta hesitated before walking over to where the book was kept. His hand hovered over the binding before running his fingers over the edges, his hand finally taking hold of it to bring it closer.
Peeta opened the leather cover, his thumb carefully flipping the fragile pages, which for the most part had torn along the top.
He stopped short when separate writing in a hand scroll instead of type face caught his attention. Peeta moved his eyes over the page, the smooth handwriting leaping off of the page.
He mouthed the words at first before speaking them out loud.
"The boy with the warm embrace waits for me in my dreams. He has no name or face but his arms are my home, and sometimes I can feel the loneliness coursing through him as it does me. Other times when the beasts attack and the pain rips me apart he simply watches. But even with the fleeting sense of betrayal, I still yearn for his touches."
Peeta pushed down the intense nausea which threatened to over take him. He had left her alone in her own pain. Even if she didn't remember, he did.
Peeta ran his fingers over her words, wishing he could give her the boy she once had dreams of, but he knew how fuetal it was. That boy was gone. He had banished when Peeta was fifteen, when he had been victimized.
When his body had been used as entertainment and his soul had been permanently tainted.
The ground had cooled from the last time she had sprawled her body underneath the trees and she dug her bare toes into the dirt, reveling in the feel.
The forest had become her sanctuary and she breathed in the sounds surrounding her as the sunlight shined through the leaves, casting different shapes onto her face.
She laughed lightly to herself imagining what it would be like having to explain to Peeta how she had gotten a sunburn in the image of a leaf on her face.
Although knowing her luck, the fashion fanatics of the Capitol would see it as another fad and before she could react their faces would have similar patterns.
Katniss sighed before pushing herself off of her back, her hand behind her for leverage.
She reached one of her hands up to her hair, the poking of a stick tangled in her hair getting her attention.
Katniss gritted her teeth as the stick tangled in her curls. She yanked for a few seconds before the thin piece of wood was free, a couple of strands taken with it as they had knotted on the twig. She grunted before rubbing her head, tossing the stick aside.
She should have known better. It had taken Hazelle a fare amount of time to brush through her hair the last time she had decided to lie on the forest floor.
Katniss planted her feet firmly before standing up, her hands going to the front of her dress. Dirt lightly smeared the front and she tried to prepare herself for another one of Hazelle's kind but disapproving looks.
She had brought Katniss a few pairs of slacks and button up shirts that had belonged to her oldest son Gale. Hazelle had taken them in for her, hemming the pants and mending the shirts.
She had seen Katniss' affinity for becoming familiar with the dirt of the forest and she had decided that an old pair of clothing was a much more suitable outfit for rolling around in the dirt.
Katniss had blushed at Hazelle's generosity and she was grateful for the gesture, but she had felt the need to escape the house and having the feel of the air on her bare skin when Peeta was near was enough to make her lose all control.
After he had held her hair in his hand and looked at her the way he did, Katniss felt anxious and confused.
His eyes had softened but there was still something guarded about him. She annoyed herself by how curious she was to find out.
Peeta made things complicated but she still wanted to find out what it felt like for him to hold her. She wanted to run her hands through his soft blonde hair; she wanted to tug at the ends causing him to smile.
Katniss shook her head lightly slapping herself on the forehead. She needed to clear her mind of any delusions she had towards the companion because even if it wasn't forbidden for him to have a personal relationship, she would be the last person he would choose.
Katniss trudged up the steep hill which led to the back of the manor. Her feet stung from the rocks digging into her soles and she mentally noted how she would have to be more responsible about remembering to wear shoes next time.
She was lost in the pain from her pinkie toe, which she had just jammed, when she ran into something, the force of the collision sending her back, her feet struggling to find their footing.
She almost cried out loud when the wall she had run into turned out be a person. His head was leaning to the side as he held his waist, his arm folded around his ribs. Katniss watched him as he grunted and cursed, his thinning blonde hair hanging around his face obstructing her view.
She jumped back when he stood up, directly glaring at her.
Katniss balled her hands into a fist incase she would need to defend herself against an attacker. She assumed with Peeta's house being more on the grand side than most homes in the outlying districts, that the land would attract vagrants and looters.
The man sniffs loudly as he rubs his side. He continues to glare at her as he speaks.
"Sweetheart, if the boy sent for you, you should know that the prostitutes are to enter from the front door."
"I'm not a prostitute."
"Well why the hell else are you roaming around on the land?"
"I live here now. I'm the new hand maiden."
The man laughed out loud, his head thrown back before looking back to her," I vaguely remember Hazelle telling me about a new house guest but I just assumed I had dreamed it."
Katniss nodded as she quickly walked around him, her battered feet taking her as fast as they could. She wanted to put as much distance between her and the man as possible.
He worried her and when she was on the defense she could be unpredictable. She was nearly to the steps when she felt a hand on her arm. She didn't waste any time before she turned around swinging. Her fist made contact with the older man's jaw; she could hear the contact of bone against bone.
Her hand had already begun to ache as she backed up from him. He was holding his face and cursing loudly.
The commotion must have passed through the house because before she could make it half way up the steps, the back door flew open.
Peeta was now behind her followed by Hazelle, who ran down the steps to stand beside Katniss.
"Are you ok dear?"
The man groaned loudly," The hell with her! She hit me! The tart hit me!"
Hazelle glared at the man," Haymitch, watch your mouth."
Katniss began to panic as she turned around to face Peeta," I'm so sorry! I know you said that I needed to stop being violent but he frightened me. I thought he was going to hurt me!"
Haymitch spitted out a mouthful of saliva mixed with blood as he held onto his jaw," Me hurt you! What a bunch of bullshi—"
Peeta couldn't help but smile at her concern," Katniss if there was anyone who needed to be struck, it's Haymitch." Peeta gestured to the man at the bottom of the steps," Haymitch this is Katniss. Katniss this is Haymitch, he maintains the grounds and I use the word maintains lightly."
Katniss turned around as Haymitch made his way up the stairs pushing his way through Hazelle and Katniss. Peeta didn't pay the man any notice as he watched Katniss, her shoulders hunched over in embarrassment.
"I'm sorry."
Hazelle laughed lightly at the girl," Oh sweetie, don't worry about it. Haymitch needs to be knocked around every once in awhile, it's good for him."
Hazelle patted her on the shoulders before walking up the stairs and into the house. Katniss suddenly could feel her stomach twist as she was left alone with him.
Peeta watched as she tensed her shoulders. He tried not to notice how the back of her dress would reveal more of her skin when she would rotate he shoulders.
He needed to put as much distance between Katniss and himself as possible, and fast too, because the overwhelming need to reach out and trace the outlines of her shoulder blades was wearing his resolve down.
Katniss turned around in enough time to see his retreating back as he walked into the house. Katniss sat down on the step, her hands hanging loosely off of her lap, the ends of her fingers brushing against her bare legs.
She was beginning to think that living beneath the Capitol while struggling to survive may have been less complicated then having to sort through the feelings she was having when it came to Peeta Mellark.
The room was bright from the sunlight filtering in through the window, the curtains had been drawn back. Katniss assumed it had been Hazelle after she had brought the small amount of clean laundry Katniss had.
Cinna had left a closet full of dresses, some more revealing than others. Katniss had settled on only a few that she felt comfortable wearing.
The scent of lemons filled the air, causing Katniss to breathe in deep. The tart aroma reminded her of a memory she had from her childhood, but as with most of her memories, she had a difficult time separating reality from a dream.
Everything blended together; all the pain and trauma had melded every experience into a blur.
Katniss walked over to the nightstand. Reaching down she picked up the one thing that had given her hope and joy through all of the turmoil.
She couldn't remember where or how she had acquired it but she always remembered having it near her.
It reminded her to believe in magic and love and the human spirit. This battered book gave her the child wonderment she had been missing for so long.
Katniss pressed it to her chest, similar to how she would when she had been starving and at the brink of death.
The squeaking of the floor boards startled her as she turned around quickly, nearly losing her footing.
Hazelle walked into the room quickly, her arms rose to help Katniss find her balance.
"I didn't mean to startle you. I was going to let you know that dinner will be starting soon."
Katniss nodded," Alright, thank you."
Hazelle looked to the girl's hands, eyeing the item closely," May I question about the book? It seems dear to you."
"It is."
"Did you receive it in the orphanage?"
Katniss eyed the woman closely," How did you know I was in the orphanage?"
"When you enter a room, you survey the space first before stepping through, and when you eat, you keep a tight grip on the plate. It's something I've only seen from children who've spent time in orphan homes. Not to mention, Peeta did the exact same things when he first came here."
"Peeta was in the orphanage?"
"Yes. He never told you?"
"No, but we don't talk much about anything personal. To be honest we don't talk much anyway, at least not to each other."
"If you don't mind me asking, was the orphanage before or after the tunnels?"
"It was before. When I was six, my mother died giving birth, both she and the baby passed away. My father was destroyed. I remember him wandering the roads of the district we were living in at the time. He would always come back until one day he just didn't. I was shuffled around numerous child homes until I ended up in the orphanage at the Capitol. I was eleven by that time. I remember fighting this other girl and then being thrown into this room with no light or windows. I've tried to remember more but all I can think of is fairies dancing on the walls."
"How did you escape?"
"I don't remember. All I remember are lights," Katniss closed her eyes straining to work through her fragmented memory," bright lights everywhere."
Katniss gripped the book tightly, as she pressed it to her chest," How can I know who I am without most of my memory? I'm only half a person. I wish there was a way that I could just grow back that part of me that's missing."
Katniss sat on the bed, Hazelle's arms around her, as the older woman pulled her hair behind her to fall around her shoulders.
Peeta had been walking past the room after vacating the room he used as an art studio. Katniss' voice had prompted him to stop; he leaned back against the wall listening to her.
It seemed she remember some of her time at the orphanage. He prayed that she didn't begin to gain anymore recollection because he wouldn't want her to have to endure the pain of remembering.
She had made him feel safe and loved then. Peeta felt as though someone understood his loneliness. Now he had to deal with the agony of having her near and never being able to truly call her his own.
The hallway was quiet as she held her breath watching him wipe his brow with the back of his hand. A streak of yellow paint followed. Sweat mixing with acrylic.
He had removed his shirt a few minutes before; the sweat collecting at his shoulder blades reflects the sunlight coming from the open window at the far wall. Katniss dug her nails into the door frame, the need for leverage essential.
She watched his biceps flex as he glided the paint brush across the canvas. Katniss felt the same sensation as the day on the porch, the blush rising up her face was making her feverish.
She felt foolish and intrusive for watching him. The rational part of her brain told her to walk away but something in her made her keep her place.
Peeta moved his thumb over the canvas, bright orange paint pressing into the creases of his print. The warm paint slid across the tight fabric, forming into something new and genuine.
He couldn't help the smile that crept over his lips as the floor boards creaked once again. She had been standing in the hall watching from the slight opening of the door for almost ten minutes.
Peeta had heard her approach the door. He found it amusing that Katniss thought she was being sneaky.
He contemplated how long she would keep up the rouse, her curiosity only made her even more adorable to him.
"Do you remember the last time one of us spied on the other? I vaguely remember a knife being involved later on."
Katniss scrunched her face in embarrassment, before releasing the door frame to push the door open wider," I wasn't spying."
Peeta kept his attention on the painting before him, "Then what would you call it?"
"Observing."
"So a fancier word for spying?"
Katniss tried to fight back the smile threatening to form, deciding to stick out her bottom lip instead," Shut up."
Peeta looked over to her, a deep laugh escaping his lips. His bare shoulders hunched over as the action wracked his body. She had a way of surprising him in the simplest ways and it was difficult for him not to feel something towards her.
He looked up to her face, a look of bewilderment there, which only caused him to laugh harder. As his amusement grew, her confusion enhanced. Peeta couldn't stand seeing her lost. He waved her in as he tried to contain his laughter.
"Come in," Katniss watched him closely," It's alright, come here."
Katniss ducked her head as she walked into the room slowly. Once inside, she immediately began to scan her surroundings.
Hundreds of paintings were haphazardly tacked onto the wall amongst some coal drawn sketches. Easels were thrown against the walls, most lying on their sides, and tubes of empty and full paints were littered around the room.
Everything was in direct contrast to what she had seen from Peeta. He seemed in control and calculated, down to the way he unfolded his cloth napkin at meals or how he sat down, always with a precision and tediousness about it.
However the room and the man standing a few feet from her covered in paint was something different.
Katniss turned towards him. She studied the movement of his body; the way the muscles in his back would contract when he painted was mesmerizing.
Although it wasn't just the fact that her hormones were distracting, it was that he seemed different almost lighter.
Katniss could feel the flush rising higher up her face. She regretted having to wear dresses which left most of her skin bare. It would have been easier to hide her warm skin if she had been wearing something different.
Peeta turned around to find her as he had finally broken out of the deep concentration he was giving to the project in front of him.
He placed the handle of the brush between his teeth when his eyes landed on her. He had the suspicion she had been watching him because now her eyes darting above his head as she tried to express a look of indifference.
Her dark hair hung over one side of her face, tempting Peeta to step forward and brush the strands back behind her to rush down the soft skin of her back.
Instead he waved her forward before he motioned for her to stand beside him.
His teeth gritted as he struggled to speak over the thin wooden handle in his mouth," Come here, you can help me paint."
Katniss shook her head," No, I don't know how."
Peeta took the brush from between his teeth before holding out his free hand to her," What's there to know?"
Katniss eyed his hand closely before stepping forward, her hand extending out to his. Peeta was the first to wrap his fingers around her petite hand as it fit into his palm perfectly.
The contact of skin, even with how minimal it was, was enough to send a shiver up her arm. She hoped Peeta couldn't feel her anxiety. She fought the urge to shy away under his presence.
The nerves she had felt in the hall were only intensifying, as he led her to where he had been painting.
Katniss allowed him to pull her body freely, before he stopped their pace in front of the canvases. She had to hold back a sigh when her eyes fell upon the finished painting at their right.
A myriad of deep blues and pinks mixed together with a presence of green, as yellow lightly kissed the leaves. He had painted the forest at the end of the hill.
The place she had become so fond of, where she felt she could truly breathe. Her sanctuary. But it wasn't just the subject that struck her with amazement; it was the raw power of the strokes, which for some reason made her feel a sense of longing.
Katniss tried to hide the emotion from her voice," You painted my forest."
Peeta stopped the brush in mid dip, the tip buried in a red hue," Your forest? When I first came here I would spend most of my free time lying on the ground staring into the sky through the leaves."
Katniss tore her attention from the painting," You do that too?"
Peeta swallowed deeply," I used to."
"Why don't you anymore?"
Peeta watched her face closely," Something changed."
"What?"
Peeta opened his mouth, but instead shook his head as he directed his attention back to the accumulated paint on the hairs of the brush.
"You actually gave me the inspiration, the way you keep bringing the woods back with you into the house," Peeta snuck a glance at her as she ducked her head out of embarrassment, a small smile formed at his lips," I think Hazelle may have a break down if you keep tracking mud onto her clean floors."
Peeta watched as her dark hair hung to the side, as sunlight shined through setting her face a light. She was utterly breathtaking and he could feel himself wanting to be lost in her.
He wanted to feel her lips against his, to discover her body, to trace its lines and curves. His free hand ached to reach out to her, he needed to be close to her, and it was that need that frightened him.
He needed to distance himself from her but every time he felt he made progress, he would see her and all of his efforts would vanish.
"I've been wanting to tell you how I respect the distance you've maintained in your training and how serious you've been taking it all."
Katniss looked to him slowly, her hair still hanging down," Are you paying me a compliment?"
"Yes, I am. Is that so hard to imagine?"
"The truth? Yes."
"Why's that?"
"Because the last time I was sure you would you insulted me."
Peeta layed down the brush, turning to her fully," Are you talking about when you came down stairs after Cinna had taken care of your appearance? Are you still upset about that?"
Katniss turned to him fuming," Of course I am! I had just been scrubbed, waxed, and pulled every such way. I was waiting to see your reaction, it meant a lot to me how you felt and you were indifferent, condescending even."
Peeta sighed," I was trying to be impartial. You don't need me to dote over you."
"I never wanted you to dote over me. Maybe sometimes a girl just needs a cute boy to tell her she's pretty!"
Peeta couldn't hide the shocked expression on his face," You think I'm cute?"
Katniss looked at him sharply," What?"
A smile curled at his lips," You just said I was cute."
"No."
Peeta pointed at her, a wide toothy grin on his face," Yes, you did."
Katniss turned her head, a deep flush warming her cheeks." I suppose you're ok to look at."
"So you admit that you think I'm cute?"
Peeta bent over laughing, his hands at his knees, as Katniss began to fume even more than before. Looking down she spotted a palette of fresh paint. His laughter filled the room and she felt enraged by how he mocked her.
With steady fingers she reached down dragging her fingers through the warm paint. Blue wet acrylic buried into her finger nails covering the entirety of her fingers sans her thumb. Katniss withdrew her hand staring at it for a few seconds before extending her hand to Peeta's face, smearing the paint from cheek bone down to his jaw.
His laughter ceased when the sensation of the paint fully registered. Katniss lowered her hand stepping back, a smile on her face.
"Now you're cute."
Katniss waited for him to become angry, to lecture her on the merits of being mature.
However she was shocked when he buried his fingers into the paint, before standing up to trail his own hand down her face.
Finger trails of orange paint covered her face from her hair line down to her jaw. Peeta pulled his hand back, shaking the excess paint to the side.
"Now we both are."
Katniss nodded as she wiped one of her clean fingers at the paint covering the center of her face. With her other hand she reached into a pile of yellow paint, her fingers swirling around.
"In that case I think you should be handsome," Katniss quickly smacked Peeta lightly on the cheek as she smeared the paint on his face," Don't you think?"
Peeta nodded his bottom lip out as he reached into the paint himself," And while we're at it, you should be incredibly gorgeous," Peeta reached to her face covering the other side in even more paint," Don't you think?"
Katniss nodded," Oh, absolutely!"
Peeta barely had time to jump back before she came at him with paint covered hands, he caught one of her hands but the other was able to smear his shoulders with purple paint.
It wasn't long until they both were covered in paint, their clothes stained, along with their bodies down to their feet. Peeta had chased her around the room as she yelped and giggled while trying to hide behind easels and canvases.
The laughter filled the once quiet room, and Peeta found himself feeling almost natural for once in a long time. He had backed her into a corner and while trying to escape, Katniss slipped into a spill of paint, they had resorted to throwing small containers at each other.
She screamed out as she hit the floor but a fit of giggles exited her throat as she rocked from side to side with laughter. Peeta couldn't stop his feet before he fell to the ground alongside her, landing on top of her. He held his hands out bracing himself for leverage as he hovered above her.
Peeta looked down at her as she continued to laugh, her face covered with an array of colors but he could still see the smooth olive skin underneath. The sun continued to shine through, illuminating her face as she dark hair fanned out above her.
He had to swallow deeply. She looked absolutely incredible. He tried to push down the urge to kiss her but he could feel his conviction lessening.
Katniss struggled to breathe. Her sides ached from laughter but she felt lighter than she ever had. She stilled her rocking to land on her back watching the man looking down at her.
His face was masked with paint but it couldn't hide the strong lines of his face or the piercing blue eyes that could tear through her but at the same time build her up.
The room went silent as they watched each other, only the heavy sound of their breathing filled the room.
Peeta was the first to move as he settled on his knees to sit up. He held his hand out to her. Katniss took it, allowing him to help her sit up. He pulled her up until she was inches from his face. She could feel his breath on her face, his lips only a short distance from hers.
The room went still as Katniss felt her skin beginning to tingle. Her eyes involuntarily went to his lips. Her head beginning to feel light as the nerves in her stomach turned in knots. She almost missed the movement of his hand as he wiped at her nose with the side of his thumb.
The feel of his skin on hers was enough to drive her to madness. She needed to pull him against her, to feel his bare chest pressed against hers.
Peeta watched her closely as he rubbed the paint from her nose to reveal the light freckles there, "You're so beautiful."
"Why do you have to be so kind? You make it difficult to hate you."
Peeta leaned back enough to stare into her face fully, while still leaving his thumb at her nose," Would it be easier for you to hate me?"
"Maybe, I just don't know how to relate to you sometimes."
Peeta looked to her bright gray eyes," Do you always have to be so brave?"
"You think I'm brave?"
Peeta withdrew his hand from her face to place it in his lap," Yes, I do."
Katniss let out a short laugh but her eyes gleamed in sadness," That's interesting because I'm usually scared to death."
Peeta looked down to her hands before taking them in his," Well, whenever you get scared you can find me." Peeta slowly raised his face to look into hers," Always."
It had taken most of the day to clean the dried paint form the wooden floors, something his aching muscles could attest to. Hazelle had walked in; her face of horror was amusing to the both of them, before she ran out to only return with a pile of washcloths and a bucket of soapy water.
Katniss had fallen to the floor in a fit of laughter and Peeta could only follow. After Hazelle had left, secretly smiling to herself, they had pushed themselves up to stand and began to clean the mess up.
Peeta had watched as she scrubbed the paint from the floor, the hem of her dress rising up to land beneath her panty line.
He would look away ashamed of himself for watching her in such a way but eventually his eyes found her again.
The room had been for most part silent and when all the paint was washed and the room had set to its previous state, they had bided each other a good night.
Peeta lay in his bed, the soft cotton sheets cool on his bare chest. He reached down scraping a spot of paint that he hadn't washed off from his chest.
The room was dark with the only light source coming from the dim lamp beside his bed. He had tried to sleep but every time he closed his eyes he saw her looking back at him.
Her olive skin covered in paint while her dark hair was wild from rolling on the floor.
He had seen a version of Katniss which made him feel free; she had been unguarded and vulnerable.
Peeta pushed his body into the mattress as he was determined to sleep at least for a couple of hours. He closed his eyes ready to relax when the squeaking of the floor boards caused him to sit up abruptly.
Out of reflex, he reached for the night stand where he kept his blade but remembered having to move it.
"You don't have to look for the knife; I promise I won't use it on you again."
Peeta looked over to the open doors," Katniss?"
Peeta straightened his back watching her, a light pink nightgown hung down her body stopping at her ankles. The straps were thin and the fabric lay above her breasts. Most of her dark hair ran down her chest. Peeta could feel his stomach tighten.
He was amazed by how much her beauty grew each time he saw her. Katniss fiddled with the material of the gown, her feet shuffling.
"I know you said to never come into your room because of what happened before but I couldn't think of anywhere else to go."
"What happened, are you ok?"
Katniss nodded," I'm fine. It's just I couldn't sleep and I wanted to know if I could sleep with you. I mean in your bed."
Peeta felt so shocked by the request his mouth half opened before answering her," Katniss, I don't think—"
Katniss walked forward," Please, I just don't want to face the darkness alone anymore."
"What did you say?"
"I don't want to be alone anymore."
Peeta hesitated for a few seconds before he brought the sheets back, holding his other hand out to her, "Come here."
Katniss nodded her thanks before walking to the side of the bed, her knees sinking in before taking his hand. She was shocked when he pulled her into him, her body settling into his as her cheek rested against his chest.
She could feel the warmth from his naked chest seeping into her skin and she had to fight the urge to turn her face into him, kissing the skin there.
Peeta wrapped his arms around her after turning off the lamp. Having her so close was intoxicating. He knew how forbidden it was for many reasons but he couldn't leave her alone even if it was just for the night.
The old lead paint chipped off as he scratched the images into the wall, the tip of the knife creating grooves and lines. He stuck his tongue out slightly deep in thought, the muscle between his teeth. He wanted the picture to be perfect for her.
She would need something to look at when he wouldn't be able to be with her. His boney knees held most of his weight as the cold floor pressed into his skin there.
His gangly arm rested at the wall as he looked over to the book she held in her hands.
"I can't seem to get the tree to look the right way."
The dark haired girl leaned to the side trying to get a better look," I think it all looks wonderful."
The blonde boy leaned back surveying the wall," But it's not perfect."
"It is to me."
The boy stopped in mid scratch to look over to her as she closed the book, scooting on her knees to sit in the middle of the small room to admire his work.
"It's like a dream," her smile was bright as dark curls framed her round face," I have my own story to look at always."
The boy turned around setting the knife down," Not always, I won't let them keep you here."
The little girl nodded," But even if they do, I'll always have my fairies with me."
"And remember what I told you, even if they take the book from you, you can still have the fairies surround you."
The girl nodded," I remember everything you tell me. You're my friend."
She was amazed by the wall, by how he could create something incredible by just using his imagination and the crude tool of a knife.
The boy watched her. She was only ten but he was taken in by how beautiful she was. He swallowed, his throat becoming dry. He had been thinking of something for the past month and he needed to get it off his chest.
"Can I kiss you?"
The girl looked to him curiously," What's that mean?"
"It's when someone puts their lips on yours because they like you."
"You like me?"
"Yes."
"I like you too. We're friends."
"Is it ok if I kiss you then?"
"Do you have to kiss everyone that's your friend?"
"No, only the people you really like."
"Then yes, you can."
The boy crawled over to her, his pulse pounded in his ears, and he hoped she couldn't feel him tremble. It felt like an eternity until his face was next to hers. She watched him closely before he closed his eyes, shortly after she did the same.
Her lips were warm and soft against his and the boy felt at home. The kiss was chaste, only lasting a few seconds before he leaned back from her.
The girl watched him closely as she began to lie on her side.
"That was nice."
The boy closed the gap between them as he positioned his body behind hers, holding her back to his chest. Her dark hair tickled the bottom of his jaw and he felt comfortable having her so close. He had fallen in love with her before she had spoken to him.
At the age of thirteen he had found the girl who made him feel better, who made him feel like he could be more than just street trash.
The girl's voice was low and barely heard," I'm too afraid to go to sleep. I know when I wake up you'll be gone."
The boy shushed her gently," It's alright; just remember I'll be here every night so you won't have to face the darkness alone anymore. I promise I'll always be here, nothing will make me leave you."
"Really?"
"Really, now go to sleep."
The boy held onto her tightly, her arms were so frail from the years of abuse and he wanted nothing more than to protect her for the rest of his life.
Peeta woke in a cold sweat. His chest was heavy with her still clinging to his side. He craned his neck to the side to watch her face; her eyelids were fluttering, signifying she was having a dream.
Peeta tightened his arms around her the way he had done when they were young and afraid of the world.
He wanted nothing more than to go back and undo the mistake he had made by leaving her.
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