Sorry this really has taken so long to update.

Disclaimer: Not mine, I'm just borrowing them.

Chapter 5

Jo pushed her door open and stepped aside to let Mac in. He smiled his thanks and stepped into her apartment. It looked immaculate. Jo could see this in his face, "I have nothing better to do but clean all day." she explained knowingly as she stepped around him and walked through to the kitchen.

Mac followed after her, trying to ignore the slight feeling of guilt that crept up on him. He knew that he stood between her being able to come back to work, not him alone, but still he was one of the one's stopping her from doing the job she loved so much. A job she was great at. But, there was a reason Jo wasn't allowed to come back to work. She had too many demons she had to put to rest first. He'd seen first-hand the consequences of good officers and detectives returning to work after something traumatic when they weren't yet ready.

"Do you want a drink?" Jo asked him as she filled the kettle. She was dying for a cup of tea.

"A coffee would be great." he replied.

An awkward silence fell over them as Jo made the drinks. The only sounds in the kitchen was the boiling water in the kettle, the clinking of teaspoons against cups and cupboards doors opening and then banging shut. The awkwardness actually made Mac feel a little sad, things had never felt awkward between him and Jo. In fact he had never met another person who made him feel so comfortable with himself.

As she passed him his cup he noticed how she smiled so little nowadays. A few weeks ago there would have been a beaming smile on her face as she passed him a coffee, now there was nothing, just a deep sadness that lingered in her eyes.

"Let's go sit down." Jo told him as she once more stepped around him and walked away from the kitchen, the awkwardness that lingered was cutting through her like a knife.

She walked into the living room and curled up on one end of the couch and expected Mac to sit down on the chair opposite her but he actually sat down on the sofa beside her. He sat sideways, one leg tucked under the other, so they were sitting face to face.

They both took a small sip of their drinks. Nothing was said between them and after a moment the awkwardness threatened to fall over them again, Mac knew he couldn't let it happen.

"I thought you wanted to talk?" he said after what seemed like an hour of nothing but silence.

"I do, Mac." She said sounding hesitant.

"Jo, you' know if you don't want to talk to me you can talk to Flack, or Sheldon. Or there's Sid, Danny, or Lindsay, you could even speak to Adam if you wanted to. I know he'd listen. We're all her for you. We're your friends, Jo." he said.

Jo scoffed a little coldly. "Friends!" she laughed, "Then why do I feel so alone, Mac?"

Mac was a little shocked by this. He hated to thin she felt alone and he hated that he had let her feel this way. He'd let her down. He had taken for granted that she knew that the team was there for her. He made a mental note to beat himself up over this later, right now he need to let her know that she wasn't alone.

"Jo, I promise you you're not alone. I'm here to hear whatever you want to talk about, but I need you to talk to me." he stressed.

"I will talk all night if it's what I have to do before you will let me come back to work." Jo said, forcing a very small smile. A rather pathetic attempt actually.

"Jo, I don't just want to hear you talk, I need to know if by what you're saying you're ready to come back…"

"What do you want to hear, Mac! I don't get what any of you are asking of me!" Jo said, clearly frustrated. "That damn psychiatrist wanted to know about my childhood, what on earth has that got to do with what happened with John Curtis?"

"Jo, she's good at her job, you know that. You of all people know why those sorts of questions are asked." Mac said.

"I know they're not necessary! I can tell you from a professional view that there is nothing wrong with me. I'm not going to go out and throw myself in front of a gun because of what happened."

"You keep saying "what happened" say it for what it really was, Jo!" Mac snapped.

Jo just looked at him and cocked her head slightly as if she hadn't understood what he meant. Mac wanted to hear her say the words, but the longer he waited the less likely it seemed she would. He knew that deep down she knew what he wanted to hear. He stared at her, silently pleading with her to say what he wanted her to admit. He saw the tears that had built in her eyes as she turned to face away from him.

"Jo, we both know that Curtis planned to beat you… rape you… and then kill you."

His words were like a slap around the face and Jo couldn't stop the look of revulsion that washed over her face. Mac felt sick as he thought about how harsh his words had sounded, true she needed to hear them, or at least say them, but it killed him now to see her hurting like this.

He put his cup of coffee down and shuffled closer to her, he reached out to touch her but she shot to her feet and stepped around the coffee table. Mac got to his feet but remained by the couch. "Jo, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you but you have to show recognition for what happened to you."

"You think I don't realise what happened that day?" Jo asked in disbelief. "Jesus Mac, the son-of-a-bitch had me pinned to a bed with his hard on pressing against me. You think I don't recognise what he was going to do to me? He told me Mac!" she yelled at him, tears running down her cheeks.

Once more Mac moved closer to her and tried to reach out to her, he wanted so badly to hold her, to comfort her. It truly broke his heart to see her cry and know the extent of her emotional pain. However, Jo stepped away from him again and crossed her arms tightly across her chest.

"Jo, it is okay to feel scared to have to talk about what happened. I can't begin to imagine what it must have been like for you that day, knowing what he was going to do to you..."

"You're right, Mac! You can't imagine what it was like, you have no fucking clue what it was like!" she yelled, a coldness in her voice that he had never heard before and had never dreamt her capable of.

"Jo…" he began but was quickly cut off by her.

"No, Mac… You know what I really feel?"

"What?" he asked.

"I feel guilty and selfish."

"…Because you killed John Curtis? Jo, he was a violent rapist who was going to kill you, it was self-defence."

Jo just shook her head. "I feel guilty because I stopped him before he could rape me, so that he couldn't. Rape. Me!" she said clearly, "I never stopped him in time to spare Amanda Tanner or Serena Matthews or any of his other victims from being raped. How selfish is that?"

Mac wasn't sure if he was hearing her right, so he had to have it clarified, "Jo, are you telling me that you feel guilty and selfish for having not let John Curtis rape you!"

Jo laughed at his words, it was the first time she'd heard them from anyone but her own voice from inside her head. "I guess I really am fucked up aren't I?" she said as she began to cry.

"Jo…."

"Mac, if I was just going to shoot him in the end anyway then I should have done it after he raped Serena. I knew he had done it, without a doubt but yet I let him walk away. I freed him to do it again and again!" she wept.

Mac could take the distance no longer and he walked over to her and before she could step away he flung his arms around her. He felt her try to pull back, but only slightly. He kept hold of her and just seconds later felt her shift and wrap her arms around him as she held onto him and cried.

"Jo, you stopped Curtis from ever being able to hurt anyone else. When you killed him you stopped the nightmares for Amanda and Serena and all his other victims where he came back to hurt them. You made it so that he can't hurt them again and you are the reason those women can all move on."

"Why can't I move on?" she cried desperately.

"Because you're not just dealing with the fact that you killed a man, you're also dealing with what that man intended to do." Mac said as he pulled back to look her in the eyes, "What he did to you." he added as he reached up and ran his finger softly over the bruises on her face.

His touch felt delicious. Jo found herself nuzzling her face against his hand and sighed. The last time a man's hands had touched her they had belonged to John Curtis, and he had only wanted to inflict pain on her. She knew that Mac only wished to take her pain away.

Before she knew what she was doing she moved her face towards his. Her lips touched his and she hesitated for just a second before she kissed him.

TBC

Evil cliffhanger! IF you want to know what happens next then leave a review.

Thanks so much for reading.