Chapter Seven: Babies Beware
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.
"So as much as I appreciate the chance to get away from Kirkwall, I'm still not sure why we are visiting the Dalish," Emma confessed as they were approaching the local Dalish encampment. "Don't they eat babies?"
"Of course they don't!" Bethany said, appalled. "How can you say that?"
"It's what everybody says about them," Emma sniffed. "I wouldn't know if it was true or not since I have never met a Dalish before."
"It had better not be true," Aveline growled. "That kind of thing is hardly legal and the guards will not stand for that."
"So you'd risk starting species riots and wiping out the Dalish clan when you're only a guard?" Varric thought that was a terrible idea. "At least mention the bit about all Dalish Keepers being mages and drag the templars into it as well."
"I vote that we not drag the templars into it, actually," Anders spoke up. "Because, really, that sounds like a horrible idea. Getting the templars involved is always a horrible idea."
"The law is the law and in this case it's based on morality and common decency," Aveline declared. "I will follow this path and let it lead me where it may."
"You are so repressed it isn't even funny," Isabela complained. "Live a little!"
"I hardly need advice from you, Isabela," Aveline snapped.
"No, the correct response is 'shut up, whore'," Isabela corrected.
"Are you sure?" Emma asked uncomfortably. "I mean, call me a prude but that sounds like a horrible thing to call someone. Even if you aren't using that word as a weapon, it's still a derogatory term for a woman who sleeps with a lot of men while there isn't a corresponding term for men. In fact, they're often congratulated for it while the women are shamed."
"I'm not literally a whore," Isabela explained patiently. "I've given coin for sex but never received it. 'Whore' is also a word that people will lob at any woman in an attempt to break them, no matter what their sexual history. I've been called it often enough in my time that I decided to stop letting it bother me. If people use it when they aren't trying to hurt people, it helps take away the power that word has."
"Odds on her having just made that up on the spot?" Varric asked rhetorically.
"That does sound like a good point," Emma admitted reluctantly. "But it still makes me uncomfortable and I don't like hearing it. Say it again in my presence and I'm telling you now I will start crying and force you to deal with it."
Isabela paled. "Fine, fine. Aveline and I can talk about it when you're not around."
"I'd really rather not," Aveline said bluntly.
"Why can't you care about real issues, Emma?" Carver demanded.
Emma glared at him. "I do too care about real issues! Why, do you have any idea what Anders said the mages have gone through since yesterday? I am appalled, I tell you! Absolutely appalled!"
"Any real issues that don't have the potential to affect you personally," Carver amended.
Emma opened her mouth and then closed it again. "I got nothing."
"Hold, shemlen!" the Dalish guard to the encampment ordered. "You too, durgen'len."
Fenris shrugged and walked right past them but though they hadn't said anything about Loghain, he chose to stay with Emma.
His partner kept staring at Varric. "You've never seen a dwarf before, have you?" Varric asked, amused.
"No…" the elf lied unconvincingly.
"What are you doing here?" the first guard demanded. "Your kind has no legitimate business among the Dalish."
"Oh, right, and Fenris does?" Anders scoffed.
"He is an elf and therefore he is clearly here to become one of us," the guard said as if it were obvious. "He even tried to do vallaslin himself."
"What?" Bethany asked politely.
The guard gestured to his face. "Our markings."
"…Let's go with that, sure," Carver agreed.
"Are you here to kill us all?" the guard asked suspiciously. "I knew shemlens shouldn't be trusted! Sound the alarm!"
"Hey, hey, we're not here to kill you all!" Carver objected.
"Is that so, huh?" the guard asked, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. "Oh, you're good. You're very good. How many of us are you here to kill then? Just the men? Are the women and children safe? Are you planning on dragging them to the Alienage and indoctrinating them into your slave culture?"
"I find that offensive," Fenris called from thirty feet away. "Alienage elves can't understand my pain."
"We're not planning on killing anyone," Carver stressed.
"And we do not anticipate any spontaneous killing to occur," Varric jumped in, sensing a potential opening.
"Unless, of course, you really eat babies," Aveline qualified. "Do you?"
"Of course not!" the guard cried out, outraged. "Everyone knows that's what the qunari do! You're so prejudiced!"
"Pot meet kettle," Isabela said, amused.
"Why are you here?" the guard asked again, sounding dangerously close to losing what little patience he possessed.
"That's what I want to know!" Emma exclaimed.
Bethany sighed. "Emma, we talked about this, remember? While you and Carver were gone yesterday, I searched through your room and found that amulet Flemeth gave us that we were supposed to deliver to the Keeper."
"Really?" Emma looked intrigued. "I must not have been listening. Where did you find it?"
"Underneath your bow," Bethany replied matter-of-factly.
Emma groaned. "Oh, no wonder."
"Emma likes to pretend she doesn't have a bow," Carver explained to the others. "She really isn't a fan of archery."
Varric looked horrified at this.
"It's different with Bianca, I swear!" Emma cried out.
"Hey, didn't the Keeper tell us that someone was coming by with an amulet?" the second guard asked suddenly. "Granted we were expecting it a year ago but…"
"I thought they'd be elven," the first guard said, looking put-out. "Well…sort of elven. We Dalish are the last of the elvhen, after all, and we didn't expect the messenger to be Dalish."
"So you say," Fenris deadpanned, now even farther away from them. "Frequently."
"Well, since you have claimed that you're doing some vague task that happens to coincide with something we expected a long time ago, we trust you completely and you may come into our camp," the guard invited. "But be warned, we may decide to shoot you if we think you're thinking negative things about the Dalish."
"This is why no one takes the Dalish seriously," Fenris claimed, so far away by this point that they could barely hear him.
"How is he doing that?" Anders demanded, trying and failing to hide his jealousy.
"If you say it's because of the ears, you're being speciest," the guard warned them.
The group decided it was best not to push their luck before they even got into the camp and so just let it go as they searched for the Dalish Keeper. They didn't know who the Keeper was and asking only earned them accusations of thinking that all elves looked the same. Fortunately, a distinguished-looking elderly elven woman eventually came to investigate the disturbance and they learned that they had found Keeper Marethari.
"I was told to bring you this amulet," Emma said in an important-sounding voice, holding out the amulet like she had had anything to do with them being there.
Marethari peered closely at Emma but did not touch the amulet. "There's truth in your face. A rare thing for a human."
"So you're allowed to be speciest?" Aveline asked, annoyed.
Marethari nodded. "Our camp, our rules."
Emma beamed at this. "I'm so glad somebody noticed!"
"We've all noticed and it's irritated all of us," Carver countered.
"Tell me how this burden befell you, child," Marethari requested.
"Burden?" Emma repeated blankly. "What burden?"
"The amulet," Marethari clarified. "How were you charged with it?"
"It wasn't really a burden," Emma disagreed. "It's just that we were under attack by darkspawn and this old dragon who turned into something resembling a qunari appeared and offered to get us passage out of the country if we took the amulet to you. Carver lost it but Bethany found it again and so we took the hour trip up here to hand it off. Really, not at all burdensome."
"The amulet that I lost?" Carver couldn't believe it.
Emma nodded. "That is what I just said, yes."
Carver decided he didn't even want to know how she had managed to convince herself that this was his fault. A thought struck him. "Hey, how did you even know we were coming?"
"I listened. To the wind. To the birds, as the hunters do. To my dreams. I watched the stars. There is great wisdom to be found all around us, if you know how to listen for it," Marethari said airily.
Anders groaned. "Oh Maker, don't tell me she's…"
"I think she might be," Varric said grimly.
"What are you two talking about?" Aveline asked sharply.
"They're wondering if Marethari might be an MPDG," Isabela explained. "So am I, for that matter."
"A what?" Bethany asked, confused.
"A Manic Pixie Dream Girl," Isabela informed her. "It is, and I quote, 'an attractive, high on life, full of wacky quirks and idiosyncrasies – generally including childlike playfulness and a tendency towards petty crime – woman often inexplicably obsessed with a soulful, brooding male who is living a sheltered, emotionless existence on whom she will focus her crazy antics until he learns to live and love'."
"That sounds outright horrifying," Carver said, shuddering.
"You have no idea," Fenris called faintly to them, nowhere in sight.
"Seriously, what is he even doing?" Anders wondered.
"Killing those Flint Company Mercenaries some guy requested dead," Fenris replied. "I have no idea why he wants them dead but I'm bored."
"Anders and I have been harassed by our fair share of MPDG," Varric confided. "Since I got Bianca, I've pretty much been able to avoid them but before…well, fortunately for me MPDG tend to end up living out life happily with their chosen victim or dead."
"I am not a Manic Pixie Dream Girl," Marethari insisted, eye twitching.
"We really don't care if you are or not, just don't latch on to us," Anders requested. "We're the wrong species anyway and surely if the Dalish Keeper thought it was a good idea to mate with a human then the younger generation will be completely sold on the idea and good luck making enough Dalish babies for the next generation. Of course, there's always Fenris but-"
"Anders!" Bethany rebuked.
"Hey, I have a question," Isabela said suddenly. "I travel a lot and so I've met Dalish elves before. In fact, I even met your clan before back in Ferelden. Why do you suddenly have accents now when you didn't in the past?"
Marethari coughed awkwardly. "Well…"
"Well?" Emma repeated.
"At our last Arlathvhen, we decided that we Dalish did not have enough to set us apart from the city elves," Marethari admitted. "One clan had adopted these accents with great effect so they sent around some of their members to act as voice coaches in the other clans."
"This is also why no one takes the Dalish seriously," Fenris shouted.
"I am thankful for what you've done, make no mistake," Marethari told them gratefully.
"Why do I sense a 'but' coming?" Varric asked, sighing.
"But your part in this is not done yet," Marethari informed them.
"Of course it is!" Carver insisted. "Flemeth said bring the amulet to you, we brought the amulet to you."
"That is true," Marethari agreed. "However, the amulet must be taken to an altar at the top of the mountain and given a Dalish rite for the departed."
"Why is that our problem?" Carver demanded.
"Because then you'll return the amulet to me and your debt will be repaid," Marethari replied.
"We were told to give you the amulet, not give it to you twice!" Carver protested.
"And yet I haven't touched it yet and I won't until you do what is far too dangerous for my clan to do," Marethari pointed out. "So it technically hasn't been given to me yet."
"We'd be happy to help," Emma said eagerly.
"Really, Carver, there's no point in trying to turn these things down when Emma's around," Bethany reminded her brother.
"There's never any point in doing anything even remotely sane when Emma's around," Carver groused.
"And yet you keep trying anyway," Bethany marveled, shaking her head.
Carver shrugged. "What can I say? I'm kind of stupid that way."
"You'll get no arguments from me," Emma said sweetly.
"So what do you need us to do?" Bethany asked quickly, hoping to forestall another argument.
"And is it legal?" Aveline inquired.
"Well…it's not illegal," Marethari said evasively.
Aveline sighed. "I suppose that will have to do."
""Are you planning on teaching us this rite of the departed?" Anders asked curiously.
Marethari started laughing. "Teach our sacred rite of the departed to outsider shemlen? That's so not funny it became funny again. No, I'll send my First with you. She'll know what to do."
"Then why can't your First just go do all of this herself?" Isabela wanted to know.
"Because I'm quite fond of her and am hoping that the living corpses and giant poisonous spiders will go after you first," Marethari replied. "I mean…um…maybe you should just go?"
"That would probably be for the best," Bethany agreed as they turned to go find this First of Marethari's.
On their way, they heard quite a bit about someone named Merrill.
"Did you hear that Merrill eats babies?"
"I heard she wants to be a flat-ear."
"I heard she has a human fetish."
"I heard she's ditching us for a freaking mirror."
"It's worse than that, it's that stupid killer mirror!"
"Creators, Merrill sucks and I can't believe she's abandoning us, too!"
"I don't know who this Merrill person is but she sounds like she doesn't really fit in here," Carver noted.
Fenris was standing on the path up the mountain staring at a Dalish woman with short, dark hair who was – for whatever reason – standing on her head.
"What are you doing?" Aveline asked, a bit disturbed.
"I'm standing on my head," the woman responded before fluidly segueing into a cartwheel and straightening up. "We don't get many visitors, here. I don't think I've ever seen a human visitor."
"I don't think I've ever heard an elf address humans as such and not shems," Emma remarked.
"What about me?" Fenris asked her.
Emma looked surprised. "Huh. I think you might be right. Well, that wouldn't be the first strange thing about you, only hot elf in Kirkwall."
"What about me?" the woman inquired.
Emma squinted at her. "Let's see…your accent is kind of annoying me and your eyes are just too damn big and shiny. Sorry."
The woman looked a little disappointed. "I see. Well, you must be the one that the Keeper told me about…a year ago."
"We were busy," Bethany said, embarrassed.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't ask your name. Unless...it's not rude to ask a human their name, is it?" the woman asked, suddenly worried.
"No, that's the qunari," Emma claimed.
"She's right," Fenris said, surprised. "In a matter of speaking, of course, but you don't need to hear about that."
"It's usually polite to offer your own first," Carver told the woman.
The elf blushed. "Oh, right! My name is Merrill."
The rest of the group quickly introduced themselves (with Emma introducing Loghain).
"So is it true that you're leaving the Dalish for Kirkwall?" Isabela asked her.
Merrill nodded miserably.
"How come?" Varric asked. "Is it the fact that your clan kind of seems to hate you?"
"Oh, it's not that!" Merrill assured him. "They just think I'm trying to repair a killer mirror and don't want anything to do with me and I'm convinced that without this mirror, we're all doomed."
"Where are you planning on staying?" Aveline inquired. "You're not going to be illegally squatting like Fenris here, are you?"
Fenris crossed his arms defiantly. "As long as the building is unoccupied then squatters have rights. I checked."
Aveline frowned but said nothing.
"Oh, no, I plan on staying in the Alienage," Merrill replied. "I'm sure it will be great fun!"
"This girl is a moron," Anders declared.
"Be nice," Emma scolded.
The group fought their way up the mountain pass until they reached a barrier.
"Try not to freak out," Merrill implored before she cut her hand and used blood magic to lower the barrier.
The group then proceeded to do exactly that.
Review Please!