Back to school.

Most people would call me crazy, maybe I am crazy but it's too late now, I chose to go back. I don't regret my choice…yet. Angela was surprised in how well I was taking everything. She didn't like the idea of me going back to school especially when she couldn't be there, but we weren't far now from graduation, I had to go. I told her I would be fine, that nothing affected me.

I was numb. I was in an anaesthetized state. Of course the anaesthetic would have to wear of some time, the question was when and what would happen.

"Do you think she's ok?" asked Zoe.

I've known Darcy and Zoe for awhile now. They're great girls. After the heard about the...incident, they called none stop to see how I was going. I was distraught at the point so I didn't answer their calls but it was the thought that counted.

"Of cause she's not ok... Just give her some space." Darcy squeaked.

They walked behind me conversing in low voices. It's like every body thought I couldn't handle normal conversational tones. I probably couldn't; I jumped at the smallest sound, but I don't want to show weakness. I need to be strong.

I walk down the hallway, Darcy and Zoe trailing behind. People seemed to move at the sight of me. A guard of honour was made. They stared, eyes wide and mouths open. I felt self conscious.

"Hey guys!"

Silence. I could hear a pin drop.

"Oh. Oops. Is she ok?"

Scott's voice was a fog horn. It echoed through the corridor. Bouncing off the walls. The science staff could probably hear it right about now.

The girls murmured small "don't know" behind me. I had a feeling there was going to be a lot of "is she ok?" today.

It's nice to know that people cared. I need support, or at least that's what Marie (my counsellor) says.

I left a path of whispers behind me. This was going to get old.

"I'm ok. I know it's hard to believe, but I'm handling this as best as I can."

I didn't turn when I said this; I just quickened my pace towards my first class.

No one talked to me for the rest of the day, which I was grateful for. In class I sat at the back of the room hardly paying attention to the drivel coming out of the teacher's mouth. Since it was almost the end of my school life I should have paid attention but I couldn't. My mind was elsewhere.

All I could think about was what would happen when I actually got a grip on the severity of my situation. I couldn't talk about it, not yet, but thinking about it wasn't too bad. It's funny how I was preparing myself for a war that was about to rage inside me; pulling the string of my heart, chewing my stomach and release almost 2 decades of memories; some happy and some excruciating.

I accepted what was inevitably going to happen mentally but what would I be like physically? How would I stop from crying at night? (Not that I don't do that already). How would I keep my face hidden of any emotion? The perfect façade.

I couldn't do it here that's for sure.

"Bells? Bella? Can you hear me?"

I was brought back from my day dream by the voice of my counsellor.

I started counselling the 3 days after my family was murdered. I stayed with Angela til the police were done with my house and went back to get some of my belongings.

I was lost in another memory when she started talking in her annoying monotone voice started talking about feelings.

I walked through the door of my now empty home.

I clutched my stomach for strength.

My breathing hitched

Ang hugged me from behind.

"I'll wait in the car ok?"

I nodded. That was all I could do at the moment.

Echoes of laughing and conversations flew through my head. There was no need to be here, no drag. This was a past life, a happier one where I would help mum cook, or play soccer with my brother, fight with my sister or be spoilt silly by my grandparents.

Walking past the scene of the crime was almost as bad as being there. It all came swarming back.

All the crying, all the screaming, all the blood and the red hair.

Thinking about it made me shiver and brought tears to my already sore eyes.

Mums gold earrings, Ness's favourite leather bag, Noah's baseball hat.

These were things I grab on the way to my room. Having something of them felt good, it felt like home.

My room was left liked I'd left it. The other dress I was going to wear on my birthday was on the floor near my bedpost. My CD's were scattered on my desk and my laptop was on my bed with my studies fanned around it.

For some reason I expected this to be different; for it all to be gone or perhaps out of place.

I packed to big bags filled with clothes for a snow storm and for 40 degree temperature.

Ugh. I couldn't believe I was thinking about clothes at this time.

I continued to shovel things into my bag. I don't know how it got there because I wasn't exactly paying attention to what I was doing, but my lamp even made it into one bag.

The last thing I put in my bag was photos of my friends and family.

It took a lot more strength than I thought it would have. I actually contemplated leaving them face down behind me and never looking back, but I'm not a cruel person so I just set them in to my shoulder bag with overstated care.

I walked out the door back towards the car only letting my self look back once. Angella helped me in the car and before I had the chance to have a proper goodbye we were speeding off.