Chapter Sixteen: The Party That Hates Itself

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age 2.

"I'm just saying that I can't believe we're really here doing this," Carver said, shocked. "I thought for sure that we'd have had to solve every problem in Kirkwall before Emma would just give in and let us go on this expedition which will ideally make us all rich and famous. But not too famous given all the apostates among us including both of my sisters."

"I don't care about all of the problems in Kirkwall, Carver," Emma reminded him. " Only those involving mages."

"Well I'm still shocked we haven't had to solve that whole mess before going," Carver retorted.

"Anders said it was best to lay low for awhile after that templar massacre," Emma explained.

Carver winced. "Don't tell me. Please."

"They deserved it for being templars," Anders said stubbornly.

"Why can't you be in love with Fenris or something? Or Varric! Varric's sane!" Carver explained.

"Sorry, I'm only interested in dwarven women," Varric replied. "And besides, Bianca gets jealous."

"Bianca's not a dwarf," Carver pointed out.

"She's an honorary one," Varric insisted, glaring at him.

"And I can't be in love with Fenris," Emma said, wrinkling her nose. "He's…ew! Fenris!"

"I would be much more offended if Emma were not an absurdly magely mage," Fenris declared. "Or if, of course, I cared what other people thought."

"Why must you be such a tit, Carver?" Aveline asked tiredly. "I mean, really. Why? Do you just get off on it or something?"

"Not as much as you must enjoy accusing me of being one every time I take a breath!" Carver snapped back. "Why does everybody here hate me?"

"I don't hate you," Merrill said loyally.

"I wouldn't take it personally," Isabela advised with a shrug. "Who here actually likes each other?"

"I like Bethany and Anders and Varric and you," Emma announced. "Everyone else can die for all I care."

"And I'm her brother," Carver said, shaking his head mournfully.

"Let's go around talking about who we hate!" Anders said enthusiastically. "I'm sure that will bring us closer together. And if not I can complain about people that I hate and have more reason to hate whoever hates me!"

"I'm not so sure that this is the best-" Carver began.

"I'll start," Anders began. "I hate Fenris because he was once a slave but he hates mages nonetheless even though being a slave is exactly like being a mage except I'm sure that being a mage is actually worse. And I'm really wondering if he even deserves to be free if he hates mages that much. I hate Merrill because she is a filthy blood mage and so, of course, evil. I hate Carver because he always tries to stop me from helping mages-"

"Only when you're being insane about it!" Carver objected.

Emma glared at him. "You'll get your turn."

"And I think he might secretly be on the templars' side. I hate Aveline because as a guardswoman she is a part of the system that oppresses mages. I hate Sebastian because he's Sebastian. Emma?"

"Pretty much what you said for why you said it," Emma said, shaking her head in disbelief. "I swear, I'm not just saying that because it's you and I want to sleep with you. I really feel the same way."

Bethany nudged her and looked pointedly at Carver.

Emma sighed. "Except I suppose I can't really hate Carver because he's my brother. But I do not like him, not one bit. Bethany?"

"I…I don't really hate anyone," Bethany said quietly. "I mean, maybe Sebastian but come on."

"You're too polite. It's going to get you in trouble one day," Emma said cautiously.

"I highly doubt that," Carver said dryly.

"What if one day a templar says 'May I please assault and murder you?'" Anders demanded. "And Bethany might think it would be rude to refuse and so let him!"

"I really wouldn't," Bethany said uncomfortably. "Can we just move on?"

"I'll go next," Merrill said, diverting attention away from Bethany. "I don't really hate anyone. I don't even hate Sebastian although if I never saw him again it would be too soon. I don't feel that I know any of you enough to hate and I try not to judge."

"Isn't it just like a blood mage to respect everybody and refuse to hate them?" Anders said disgustedly.

"Blondie, you should probably pick a different target to exemplify why you hate blood mages," Varric advised.

"Why? Because she's one of us?" Anders demanded.

"Oh, you'll figure it out," Varric said vaguely. "Or, you know, not."

"Who do you hate?" Anders asked him.

"Choir Boy," Varric said promptly. "But aside from him, none of you. You're all too damn entertaining if a bit costly. Rivaini?"

"Sebastian. I'm not sure I'd even want to sleep with him," Isabela said. "I'm not too fond of qunari, either, and so I'm a little wary of Fenris but if he were to sleep with me then that would all go away."

"Yes! Isabela's on my side!" Anders cheered.

"Not really what I said…" Isabela murmured.

"I hate Carver because he is a tit. I hate Emma because she killed my husband. I hate Sebastian because…well, I do. And I am most severely displeased with the rest of you for being such blatant law-breakers," Aveline sniffed.

"I'm not a law-breaker!" Carver protested.

"That might be more convincing if you weren't standing here with your two apostate sisters," Aveline said pointedly.

"And that might be more convincing if you weren't just as well-aware of their presence as I was," Carver countered. "I don't see you running off to tell the templars or make an arrest."

"Carver! What are you doing?" Bethany hissed.

Carver remembered himself. "And…that's great. Absolutely great. Never change."

"I hate all of the mages for being mages but Bethany is the most tolerable because she is not a blood mage or an insane revolutionary…that I know of," Fenris said, peering suspiciously at Bethany. "And I think that might be all the hate I have room for."

"What about Sebastian?" Emma asked, surprised and not at all offended.

"I thought that that went without saying," Fenris answered.

"That just leaves you, Carver," Anders said reluctantly. "I don't really care but since everybody else got their turn then I suppose it's only fair that you get one, too."

"Oh now he cares about fairness," Carver muttered. "I'm not positive but I think that right now I hate you all. Especially Sebastian."

"See, this is why he's such a tit," Aveline said, satisfied.

"Varric, can you tell your friends to get out of the way? They're really crowding me," Bartrand requested.

Varric started. "Oh, right. Emma, if you would do the honors?"

"Hi, you might remember me. I'm Emma Hawke. Can I join your expedition?" Emma asked hopefully.

Bartrand frowned and stroked his mustache. "I'm torn between not remembering you and pointing out that I already told you no."

"What if I had fifty galleons and a map of the Deep Roads?" Emma asked.

"Welcome aboard, partner!" Bartrand said, beaming. "We leave in twenty minutes."

"Damn," Bethany swore.

"Huh? But I thought you wanted to go. And it really isn't like you to use that kind of language…" Emma said, concerned.

"Who told Mother we would be here?" Bethany asked anxiously.

"Um…just give us a few minutes," Emma requested.

"We leave in twenty minutes," Bartrand said flatly.

The three Hawke siblings hurried over to their mother. She did not look happy.

"And just when were you planning on telling me that you three were going into the Deep Roads for weeks on end and probably going to die down there or become tainted ghouls?" Leandra demanded, her hands on her hips. "After you got back? If you got back."

"How did you find out?" Emma asked nervously, avoiding the question.

"Aveline told me. She's quite conscientious that one," Leandra replied.

Carver turned to glare at her. "Oh, and I'm the tit."

"Emma, you're my favorite whenever I'm not busy blaming you for all of our misfortunes so you can do what you like. Besides, I trust that you can take care of yourself. Your siblings on the other hand…Frankly, I'm amazed that I let them leave the house sometimes. I have next to no faith in them. Please tell me you're not going to take them with you. They'll probably start licking the walls or something," Leandra said, shuddering.

"Oh come on!" Carver protested. "No one's that stupid."

"You really need to let us grow up, Mother," Bethany said, annoyed.

"So are you taking them?" Leandra asked, ignoring her children.

"Well, I'm not taking Carver because he annoys me and I can't stand the thought of being trapped underground for weeks on end with him of all people," Emma assured her. "In fact, if it weren't for the fact that I want all the credit for this success I'd stay behind with Bethany and make him go by himself."

"If you don't let me go then I am so running off to join the templars," Carver threatened.

"Yeah, that's great," Emma said, not really listening. "But I have to take Bethany! I need her!"

"Well I'd rather have Bethany safe with me than Carver. He's my least favorite, you know," Leandra confided.

"Why does the universe hate me?" Carver wondered. "Is it because I'm not crazy enough for them?"

"Hm…I don't know," Emma said slowly. "What do you think, Bethany?"

"I want to go!" Bethany said firmly.

"I'm sure you do," Emma agreed. She tilted her head. "I'm really not sure why, though. I mean, it's seriously going to suck and even if you don't go you'll get the money anyway. I know that if I didn't have to go-"

"You mean if you weren't out for the glory," Carver muttered.

"If I didn't have to go," Emma repeated, "then I wouldn't. I'm sorry, Bethany, but now that I think on it I really don't want you to have to go through such a harrowing experience. I mean, I'm claustrophobic and everything so this will be absolutely awful for me."

"And yet you can't stay at home," Bethany said crossly.

Emma shook her head sadly. "Oh, if only."

"Why is this even up to you anyway?" Bethany demanded. "Why can't Carver and I come along anyway? We're both adults."

"Yes," Emma agreed. "But Bartrand doesn't want anybody else on the expedition at all. He's only taking me and the people I select because he needs a map and more money since he fired all of his ex-partners or something."

"I think one of them mentioned that Bartrand left him to die in a cave," Carver said helpfully.

Emma nodded. "Right, that. So if I tell him I don't want you two along then he's not going to let you two along."

"But without you I might get noticed by a templar and dragged off to the Circle!" Bethany said worriedly.

"I'm sure you'll be fine," Leandra hastened to assure her. "I mean, you couldn't stay by Emma's side for the rest of your life, could you?"

"I actually think that's less likely to happen without Emma here," Carver opined.

"Shut up, Carver," Emma said, annoyed. "Listen, my mind is made up and nothing is going to change it and so I really have to go. I'll see you both when I get back."

"No, this can't be right," Cassandra interrupted Varric's tale. "The Champion came to Kirkwall with her apostate sister to spread subversive teachings about the Chantry. She is a genuine threat to the well-being of all of Thedas!"

"I know some people who would agree with you," Varric said easily. "There were times I wondered about Emma as well."

"And yet you claim that she was this…this…"Cassandra couldn't seem to find the word she was looking for.

"Spaz?" Varric suggested helpfully.

"Yes!" Cassandra exclaimed. "What is wrong with her?"

"I honestly don't know," Varric admitted. "At least Anders had the excuse that he was possessed."

"So she just happened to have dealings with the qunari, a rebel possessed iconoclastic Warden, a blood mage, a known raider, and the prince of Starkhaven…you're telling me that this was all for coin?" Cassandra couldn't believe it.

"Well, in Isabela and Anders' case it was mostly about the sex," Varric corrected. "But other than that…Pretty much, yeah. But it's not quite so simple as you think. No one starts off blowing up Chantry's. I have it on good authority that if a certain Warden Commander wouldn't have taken away a certain cat and recruited a certain templar than none of this would have happened."

"You seek to blame Commander Fayle Fahlgai?" Cassandra couldn't believe it. "Do I need to remind you of what your friend did? Perhaps the Commander was right about him. You cannot sit there and tell me that he is innocent! Or she for that matter!"

Varric thought about it. "Anders…no, not really. I guess. It's hard to determine blame with possession. And as for Emma…well, you'll see."

"She must have known. Somehow the Champion must have known what was down there, what would happen…" Cassandra trailed off.

"What, just because she's a mage she's supposed to be psychic now?" Varric demanded. "That's the kind of thing Anders would have tried to kill you for."

"If you claim she did not know then tell me: what did happen on that expedition?" Cassandra asked seriously.

"Well, we entered the Deep Roads as planned but we didn't get very far," Varric said, resuming his tale.

"I still don't understand why you took Daisy and the Elf instead of Blondie," Varric told her as they trudged along a few days later. Bartrand had only allowed her to take two of her companions though Varric was going anyway.

"Simple. I like Anders and I don't like Fenris or Merrill," Emma replied.

"I'm…still not getting it," Varric admitted.

"Living underground is awful. I hate it. I don't understand the people of Orzammar," Emma explained.

"Between the two of us, I don't either," Varric confided.

"And I figure that if he doesn't have to be here then why would I make him suffer when I can bring people that I truly dislike?" Emma asked logically.

"Because then you have to suffer their company during this great trial?" Varric suggested.

Emma shrugged. "Worth it."

"Why not bring Choir Boy then?" Varric asked.

Emma snorted. "Not that worth it."

"Why do you think we hate him so much?" Varric asked. "I mean…all of us. We all agree. That's just not normal."

"I don't know," Emma replied. "It's just…something about him rubs me the wrong way."

"And everyone else as well apparently," Varric said wryly. "Wait, why are we stopping?"

"There's been a collapse," one of the dwarven scouts said apologetically. "The way forward is blocked."

"What?" Bartrand cried out. He turned to glare at Emma. "Your map sucks."

"Hey, it's not my fault there was a cave-in after the map was created!" Emma protested. "Let's just go around or something."

"We haven't found any way around," the scout said, wincing openly now. He was right to worry as Bartrand promptly punched him in the head and ordered that camp be set up.

"Um, hello. I know you don't know me but my name is Bodhan. My son Sandal is missing and I'm really worried. Can you lot go look for him?" a dwarf they didn't know asked, coming up to them.

"Wait a second, isn't your son the one who routinely survives being surrounded by large quantities of darkspawn and, what's more, actually kills them?" Varric asked.

Bodhan refused to look at him. "Now, I don't see what that has to do with anything."

"Why can't you look for him yourself?" Fenris asked bluntly.

Bodhan gave him an 'are you kidding me' look. "I'm not a fighter. I'm not going in there."

"Of course we'll keep an eye out for your son," Merrill said kindly.

"What? Are we going in there or something?" Emma asked, surprised.

Varric shrugged. "I guess so. I mean, somebody has to find us a way out of here and if we're going to wait for my brother then we'd might as well give up and go home now."

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