Chapter Twenty-Six: Crazy Elves

Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age 2.

They realized that they were near the qunari compound when Isabela began hiding behind Aveline who simply rolled her eyes but could not be bothered to make the pirate stop.

"Excuse me, Hawke," the qunari guard at the gate said. "The Arishok says that you have some semblance of honor and one of our patrols went missing so did you needlessly and brutally strike them down?"

Emma blinked. "So…I don't have enough honor to not kill your men for no apparent reason in the first place but enough honor that I will admit to it afterwards?"

"That is what I am hoping, yes," the qunari confirmed.

Emma shook her head. "You guys are really weird. And no, I don't know what happened. I haven't killed any of your people since that time that they tried to kill me because they allowed a qunari mage to speak to me."

"We've killed members of your species," Fenris clarified. "But none still following the Qun."

"In that case, would you mind terrible solving this murder?" the guard inquired.

"Why can't you just do it?" Aveline asked, not thrilled to be asked to do her job.

"I'm on guard duty and it would be a waste of resources," the guard explained.

"But not if we were to do it?" Anders asked, affronted.

"Not really, no," the qunari confirmed. "I mean, what do you even do all day?"

Now Emma was offended. "I'm not going to put any effort into this but if we just happen to trip over the guilty party we'll probably kill them. And we may or may not even tell you depending on how much of a jerk you're being."

"That's all I ask," the guard told her solemnly.

As they walked on, Anders told them, "Things keep getting worse. I had templars practically on my doorstep the other night."

"Actually, they were on your doorstep," Carver corrected him. "But Varric's got them so thoroughly bribed that nothing short of turning into a demon in front of Meredith will make them notice you at this point. And they were just collecting for the templar's ball. Besides, you live with a templar."

"Clearly we're not doing enough to help the mages," Anders went on as if he hadn't heard him.

"You've broke into the Gallows and freed half of the Circle last week," Varric pointed out.

"And I took all the elven ones back to my former clan," Merrill added.

Anders glowered at Emma. "I might have done more if someone had just agreed to come with me."

Emma held up her hands. "Hey, I already explained that to you. It's just too awkward to think about encountering my sister at this point so I couldn't possibly have gone."

"I don't know why you're so worried about this, Anders," Varric said, shaking his head. "Templars are kind of idiots. Must be all that lyrium. Do you remember how last week you went up to a templar and, without any proof whatsoever, accused a rabid and incorruptible templar of accepting bribes and Meredith locked him away?"

"Maybe…" Anders conceded.

"That reminds me," Emma said, her eyes widening. "I keep meaning to ask you, Carver, but it's not about mages so it's hard for me to remember."

"What do you keep meaning to ask me?" Carver asked.

"Are you becoming a lyrium addict? Because I'm really not in favor of you becoming a lyrium addict," Emma informed him.

"Wasn't that supposed to be a secret or something?" Merrill wondered.

Isabela nodded. "It was and a closely guarded secret, too. But then King Alistair of Ferelden decided to tell the world and, well, now the world knows."

"So?" Emma asked impatiently. "Are you?"

"No," Carver informed her. "I've been bringing the lyrium I'm supposed to take to Varric and he's helping me sell it on the black market."

"The city's apostates and blood mages thank you, Ser Carver," Varric said dryly.

Carver just made a face.

"Was there a point to this, Anders, or were you just looking to complain?" Isabela wondered.

"I just want to let everyone know that I'm looking into grand gestures that could spark a war and end this impasse," Anders explained.

"Explosions are always good for getting people's attention," Merrill offered.

Carver grabbed her arm. "Okay, that's quite enough of that…So, um, Isabela. Is there anything you wanted to say?"

Isabela blinked. "Not…really. Although I guess I should mention that I convinced the seneschal's tax collector to leave you alone, Fenris."

Fenris nodded. "Good. Just because I'm living in a mansion in Hightown and make a killing off the loot that we bring in, in addition to my share of the treasure from that expedition, is no reason why I should actually be expected to follow the laws of this land."

"Hear hear!" Emma cheered.

Carver laughed at the look on Fenris' face. "You're rethinking your whole philosophy right now, aren't you?"

"Just a little," Fenris admitted.

"We should totally have sex by the way," Isabela told him.

Fenris shrugged ."I'll think about it. So, Danarius is taking forever in getting here to try and get me back and I'm seriously getting tired of waiting. Since I've not been running for, oh, three years now, I'm really wondering if maybe it's not time to start acting like I'm no longer running. How, exactly, does one go about doing that?"

"Speaking only for myself," Emma told him, "I mostly just do whatever I want to and leave the consequences for lesser mortals. And Varric."

"Hey!" Carver objected.

"It's true," Varric agreed. "And for the record, Cassandra, she really said that so I'm not making this up."

"Who's Cassandra?" Anders asked him.

"You don't want to know," Varric replied. "And yes, that actually happened, too."

"Varric, just because you're a best-selling novelist doesn't mean that you need to start narrating your own life or talking to an imaginary audience," Isabela said, looking almost concerned.

"Aveline, do you realize that there's a man being knifed to death, like, ten feet away from us?" Carver inquired politely.

Aveline nodded. "I do and I blame you and your sister."

"Really? I blame you and the fact that the streets have gotten less safe since you took over from your corrupt predecessor," Carver replied. "But I suppose it's not strange that you won't take responsibility for your actions. Do tell how any of this could possibly be Emma or my fault."

"You two were poor Ferelden refugees and, while that annoyed people, they could live with it. And then the Hawkes became fabulously wealthy and successful. Good job validating the fears of every anti-Ferelden in Kirkwall," Aveline said mockingly.

"I kid you not, Aveline – a poor refugee from Ferelden herself – actually complained about Emma daring to make her life more difficult by making something of herself," Varric announced. "She literally said 'Good job validating the fears of every anti-Ferelden in Kirkwall.'"

"Varric?" Isabela asked, now looking really worried.

"A-Are you serious?" Emma couldn't believe it. "You're blaming the crime rate on my brother and I because we have the nerve to not live and die in a gutter? Like we're really just supposed to pander to the fears of the useless Kirkwallians who can't stand to see anyone else make it? I've worked hard for what I have and, you know what, I do my part cleaning up the streets whenever I leave the damn house!"

"Oh, don't you start," Aveline said dismissively.

"Leave," Emma said sharply.

Aveline drew back. "What?"

"I can't be around you right now without stabbing you repeatedly," Emma informed her. "And the next guard captain, while they might actually be competent, might require Varric to spend more on bribes and I just couldn't do that to him."

"Fine," Aveline snapped, storming away. "I have work to do anyway."

"Not that you'll actually do it," Carver called after her.

"Why is she such a bitch?" Emma fumed.

"It's not her fault," Anders opined. "She married a templar."

"Wait!" a qunari yelled, running after them.

Everyone immediately armed themselves. Well, everyone except Isabela who was now hiding behind Carver.

"I'm not going to attack you," the qunari informed them, almost offended. "Why does everyone think that I'm going to attack them?"

"Would you like the abridged version?" Varric inquired.

"Never mind about that," the qunari said dismissively. "The Arishok wants to see you."

He turned and left, evidently trusting them to go actually see the Arishok.

"Well, have fun with that," Isabela told them. "If you need me, I'll be in the Hanged Man getting wasted."

"This is ridiculous," Fenris told her. "Just return their sacred text."

"I can't," Isabela said, wincing. "It was stolen from me."

"You're kind of a terrible thief if they saw you steal that text and then you lost it yourself," Anders said bluntly.

"Oh, whatever," Isabela scoffed.

"Are you sure this isn't a little excessive?" Merrill asked uncertainly.

"I just don't feel comfortable trusting that we all look the same to the qunari," Isabela said apologetically. "So…yeah. Bye!"

"Well," Emma said, sighing. "We might as well go see what the Arishok wants lest he continue sending people after us."

They make their way to the Arishok's throne unmolested.

"It just seems strange," Carver murmured, "that with all their talk of everyone being equally important under the Qun they give their leaders thrones. And he's not even the leader of the qunari, is he, just of this particular branch."

"Don't openly judge the heavily armed and super-strengthed people who surround you in their compound," Fenris advised.

Carver shivered. "Good advice."

"Emma Hawke," the Arishok said, no inflection in his voice whatsoever. "The last time we met I did not know your name."

"That's because you never asked and didn't really seem to care," Emma explained.

"Well, now I care," the Arishok replied. "At least enough to have learned your name. You're rich now and we're still stuck here."

"Define 'stuck'," Anders told him. "Your people have started to fund your prolonged stay here by building massive boats more than capable of taking you home."

"We cannot leave until we find the pirate named 'Isabela' and reclaim what she has stolen from us," the Arishok informed them.

The party looked at each other awkwardly.

"But that is not why I brought you here," the Arishok continued. "Since you are now one of the…three humans whose name I know, I offer you a courtesy. Someone has stolen the formula for what they believe to be gaatlok but it's actually a deadly airborne poison."

"How could they make such a stupid mistake?" Varric demanded, aghast.

"It was a decoy," the Arishok said simply.

"Why didn't you use a useful formula instead of something that could kill thousands?" Carver asked, appalled.

The Arishok shrugged. "I decided whoever would steal and then try to produce such an obvious fake would deserve whatever happened to them and I will not aid you now. If you would like to save your people…Well, you had best get on it."

"How long do I have to think about it?" Emma asked him.

"Emma!" Carver exclaimed.

"What?" Emma asked defensively. "This is going to be awful."

"Yes but for all you know we'd be hit with the poison," Carver said, trying to appeal to her. "And think of all the mages who will inevitably die."

Emma's eyes flashed. "We'll do it!"

"Hey!" Emma called out to the cowering dwarf before them. She turned back to her friends. "Um…What's his name again?"

"Jarvis?" Carver guessed.

"Javaris," Varric corrected.

"Please don't kill me!" Javaris begged. "I mean, I'm sure you'll do it anyway but I've never seen any reason to try and die with dignity."

"Apparently not," Fenris said, unimpressed.

"Sodding elf…" Javaris muttered.

Fenris twitched. "What was that?"

"Oh, not you!" Javaris assured him, waving his hand. "The other one."

"Me?" Merrill asked, hurt.

"No, the other one," Javaris said, beginning to sound frustrated. "The one who sent you after me in the first place."

There was an awkward silence.

"I hate to break it to you, Jarvis, but the Arishok is a qunari," Emma told him.

"Javaris. And I know that!" Javaris said irritably. "What does that have to do with anything?"

"He's the one who sent us after you," Emma explained. "To get that poison that someone thinks is actually their black powder."

"I guess that might explain why that elf was trying to kill me…" Javaris said, rubbing his chin.

"What happened?" Carver asked once it became clear that nobody else was going to.

"Some elf just randomly attacked me and explained that she needed to kill me so that she could pin 'it' on me. Presumably the theft of that poison," Javaris explained. "So I hired guards and you killed them. Thanks for that."

"Think of it this way," Anders told him. "Now you don't have to pay them."

"But there's an insane elf trying to kill me!" Javaris burst out.

"You know, she's only an elf," Emma pointed out. "You really should be able to deal with this on your own."

Fenris and Merrill coughed pointedly.

"What?" Emma asked. "You've undergone some weird lyrium thing and she's a mage. Most elves aren't like that."

"So how are we supposed to find this random psychotic elf?" Carver wondered. "Are we supposed to just stick around until more of her people show up?"

Javaris shook his head. "Uh, no thanks. And I've actually got her address right here. Just so I could make sure to avoid it, you know." He quickly described where she was located. "Now if that's all…"

The members of the group each took a long, hard look at the weapons in their hands before they reluctantly turned to go.

"I am not paid nearly enough for this," a frenzied guard was muttering, pacing back and forth along the street they were headed down. "And I have no back-up. How can I do this without back-up? If you want to live, stay out of here."

"That sounds more like a threat than a warning," Merrill pointed out. "And, forgive me, but you don't really like up to enforcing it right now."

"Probably not," the guard admitted, pacing even faster now.

"Mason, what's going on?" Aveline asked calmly, having rejoined them on their way back.

"And why, as the captain of the guards, don't you know something about?" Carver muttered.

"I-I don't even know how to describe it," Mason said helplessly.

"Take your time, son," Aveline said gently. "It's not like we're in a hurry at all."

"Are you being sarcastic?" Mason asked her uncertainly.

"I'm never sarcastic," Aveline assured him. "You have all the time you need to figure out how to explain it."

"Or you can let me have a go," Varric announced. "Is it 'it was like there was a poison…in the air'?"

Mason nodded excitedly. "Yes, yes, that's it exactly! It killed everyone it touched instantly! And, well, drove a few people insane. I'm not sure what caused some of them to live and some to die."

"I'm a writer," Varric said modestly.

"Keep your post," Aveline told Mason. "We'll take it from here."

"So we're going off to fight a cloud of poison?" Emma asked, rubbing her forehead. "Oh, that is just lovely."

"Let's turn off those valves," Fenris suggested, spotting where the bright green air-poison seemed to be emanating from.

They split up to go down that because having them all go from one to the other would just take too much time for no real reason.

"Hey, I thought we were all supposed to die or go crazy the instant this touched us," Emma said, frowning. "And yet, here we are wading through it with no discernible negative effects."

"Perhaps it's because we're already a little…unbalanced," Anders suggested delicately.

"Unbalanced? Me?" Emma sounded shocked. "I mean, Carver, sure, but me?"

That was when the crazy people showed up and started attacking them. It was a veritable mob and there were so many that they barely even fit in the rather narrow area they were in and so the group was understandably in a hurry to kill them all and make more room. Of course, bodies take up a lot of space when lying down dead and so they still had to step over – or on – the corpses of the fallen.

Finally, once the last one was dead, a blonde elf with two minions standing right behind her appeared on the roof of one of the buildings.

"I know you…you're Emma Hawke!" the elf exclaimed.

"We're all here, too," Carver said, annoyed.

"How does everyone always know who I am?" Emma wondered. "Even the Arishok knows these days."

"I don't know about that but your friend Varric has been selling paintings of you," the elf explained.

Emma turned to stare at Varric accusingly.

"I refuse to apologize for a good idea," Varric said stubbornly. "Besides, the proceeds for that I use as my bribe fund. You know, for bribing people not to notice anything about our friends such as, say, the fact your boyfriend is a possessed apostate."

"You don't need to bribe them about me?" Emma asked curiously.

"Strangely, no," Varric replied.

"You have enemies!" the elf said happily. "You're perfect!"

"Um…I'm a little lost now," Emma admitted.

"If I kill you and blame the qunari then everyone will go after them! It's much better than killing these poor people," the elf said, shaking her head sadly.

"How will people hating Emma help with your goal of getting people to attack the qunari?" Carver wondered. "Wouldn't it be better if more people liked her?"

"I…well, she's famous!" the elf cried out.

"Why do you want to get people to attack the qunari?" Fenris wondered.

"My siblings – by which I mean elves, not literally my siblings – are leaving to go join the qunari because the qunari promise them things like equal lack of rights and no raping and murdering," the elf explained. "Since we're already losing our culture, it's like I'm losing the twice!"

"This, right here, is why what I'm doing is so important," Merrill announced. "Without me, our culture will disappear and more elves will turn out like this."

"Only the crazy ones," Fenris argued.

"So let me get this straight…the humans mistreat the elves while the qunari give them a better life so how dare they and you want bloody vengeance on the qunari?" Carver asked, having a hard time believing this.

The elf nodded. "Yes, exactly."

"You know, if you just attacked the qunari on your own, maybe got some drunks to help you, you would start a war like that and no innocents would have to die," Varric pointed out.

"Stop judging me!" the elf shouted before she attacked.

"Yes, because killing her is so much better…" Carver muttered.

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