Chapter Thirty-Two: How NOT to Conduct Diplomacy
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age 2.
"What are the qunari doing here?" Emma wondered.
Loghain barked at her.
"No, of course I remember that there's probably going to be a riot or something," Emma replied, a bit offended that he had thought that she forgot. "I just don't understand why we had to fight our way through qunari in order to get to Isabela's mystery relic."
Isabela's eyebrows shot up. "Do you always talk to your dog like that?"
"Yes, always," Emma replied immediately. "Why?"
Isabela shook her head in disgust. "Fereldens."
"So, about those qunari?" Emma prompted.
Isabela winced. "I'd hoped you'd forgotten about that."
Emma rolled her eyes. "Please. I'm not that…shiny!" She knelt down to pick up a piece of silver on the ground and happily looked at her reflection in it before pocketing the coin.
"You totally did that on purpose, right?" Isabela asked uncertainly.
"Did what?" Emma asked innocently.
Isabela decided that she didn't really want to know and so let it go. "Well, I can only speculate that the qunari have clued in to the fact that this is their missing sacred text and so they want it back, too." She peered closely at Emma. "Are you sure you're not judging me for the fact that it's all my fault that the qunari are here?"
"Why would I judge you?" Emma asked blankly. "Sure you stole it but you lost it and you have been looking for it so it's not like you've been doing nothing. And it's hardly your fault that they're so obsessive-compulsive that they refuse to leave Kirkwall without it nor is it your fault that no one in Kirkwall knows how to play nice or that the qunari have an invading people thing."
"Well, when you put it that way…" Isabela said, managing to smirk a little.
"I mean, if it had been me then I would have gone after it but that's just because I have a brother and he kind of nags me about this kind of thing a lot," Emma told her. "But he's not here right now and he's not your brother so that's neither here nor there."
"Just promise me that whoever much it might make sense to take the book back to Aveline and stop this riot, you'll let me have it because it seems much quicker than trying to my would-be murderer here and then taking him out first," Isabela said earnestly.
"Of course, Isabela," Emma replied sincerely.
"Really?" Isabela looked thrown. "Wow. That's probably not a good idea but, hey, it works for me! Let's go in."
"Where is the tome?" an angry mage demanded of a terrified-looking man.
"I-I have it," the man claimed, looking like he would like nothing more than to wet himself and just collapse into unconsciousness.
"Tevinters will never get their hands on our sacred text!" a qunari shouted, somehow entering the building from the second floor.
The mages, easily distracted, angrily shot spells at him.
The man who supposedly had the book took advantage of no longer being the focus of attention and turned tail and ran. Why was he even meeting with these people with the tome if he were so reluctant to part with it? And how had the qunari found it so quickly? It was most vexing.
"Quick, go after him!" Emma urged.
Isabela, who had been about to do just that, stopped and stared at her. "You know, you might actually make me feel guilty for what I'm totally going to do."
"Well, if it doesn't involve screwing me over then don't worry about it," Emma replied. "And if it does, well, if someone's going to screw me over then all I ask is that it eats them up inside. I'm not unreasonable, really."
Isabela fled leaving Emma to deal with the all-out Tevinter/qunari brawl.
Like any sensible disinterested third party to a fight would do, Emma stayed in the shadows until one side was completely dead. Fortunately, Loghain agreed with her completely and so stayed quiet as well. When two wounded qunari were all that remained, Emma and Loghain quickly took care of them.
When that was done, Emma walked outside to go see where Isabela had gotten off to.
There were three fresh corpses, including the man who had run off, and while Emma was looting the bodies she came across a note from Isabela.
"When did she even have time to write that?" Emma wondered aloud. "It makes mention of the fact that I said I'd let her have the relic and so it can't have been before we got here. Did I really take that long in there?"
Loghain barked.
"Well, of course I'm upset that Isabela just kind of ditched me without even giving me a proper goodbye after all I've done for her but, well, I guess I have this letter," Emma mused. "And she might think she's protecting me but this is so stupid. I actually kind of wanted to kill Castillion after hearing all the stories of how awesome he was."
Loghain barked again.
Emma frowned. "No, I don't think I have a problem. Why?"
She began to make her way to the compound when she was stopped by some random guy on the street.
"Well," he drawled, sounding rather smug for someone dressed in rags, "ain't you moving up in the world."
Emma twitched. "Aren't."
"What?" the man looked confused.
"It's 'aren't you moving up in the world'," Emma corrected. "If you say 'ain't' you come off sounding like an idiot."
"Well look who's all high and mighty now!" the man said, scowling.
"That would be me, yes," Emma agreed.
"People talk, you know. I hear you got a right fancy nest in Hightown now. Nice step up for a dog lord. Only fair you share some of that good fortune with those of us still hurting, no?" the man asked hopefully.
"Do I even know you?" Emma demanded.
The man just shook his head. "Never met a Hightowner yet who wants to share the blessing…"
"So I don't know you and you just bother all the people up in Hightown for money," Emma concluded. "I know most of them inherited their wealth but you can always do what I did and kill people for it."
The man quickly paled. "Um…that's quite alright…"
Aveline automatically reached for her dagger when Emma arrived.
"Where were you?" she cried out.
Emma frowned. "I'm not sure what you mean."
"I asked you to come help me stop a riot last night and now it's ten in the morning!" Aveline pointed out.
Emma shrugged. "Oh, well, it was getting kind of late so I decided to get a good night's sleep before coming to deal with this."
"All of Kirkwall could have been overrun!" Aveline exploded.
"But it wasn't," Emma said simply.
"Where's Isabela?" Fenris asked.
Emma shrugged again. "No idea. Maybe she died."
"You can't even pay attention to the people you abandon me for?" Aveline asked, outraged.
While Emma wasn't going to lie about what had happened, she quickly decided that there was no need to…correct any misapprehensions.
Emma walked right through but Aveline was stopped at the gates. She bargained with him to bring in a few guards and the rest of the group was made to wait outside. Emma just hoped that they didn't leave. That's what she probably would have done.
"You really should have brought in Anders or Fenris or someone," Emma informed her. "Your guards kind of suck and if it comes to a fight…well, we'd be better off going in alone."
"My guards are proud, fierce, and strong," Aveline said angrily.
"I've known small children more resilient," Emma said flatly.
Aveline just glared at her but did not respond. It was probably not a good idea that she just marched in there looking like she was aiming to knock heads but, well, Aveline could be rather confrontational at the worst possible moments.
The Arishok was not happy.
"You were supposed to come yesterday," he said accusingly.
Emma held her hands up. "Busy!"
The Arishok nodded. "Yes. Unlike the other one who waited outside my gates all night. I dislike people who waste my time."
"I'm not the one who wasted your time," Aveline insisted. "She's the one who…" She trailed off, no doubt realizing that it was pointless. "We need to talk to you about the elven fugitives that have taken refuge here."
"Boring. Emma Hawke, where is the relic?" the Arishok demanded.
"A friend of mine took it and left," Emma answered promptly. "Sorry about that."
The Arishok frowned. "We might have to leave Kirkwall to find it."
"I vote for that plan," Emma said, nodding.
"The elves!" Aveline cried out.
The Arishok sighed and addressed her as one might address a particularly stupid child. "Those elves have submitted to the Qun. They will be protected."
"Say something!" Aveline demanded.
Emma shrugged. "Um…tell us more?"
"You have not hidden the abuses of your zealots or the corruption of this city. You will understand why I must do this now," the Arishok said gravely.
"It's impossible to hide how awful Kirkwall is," Emma said knowingly.
"Not helping!" Aveline hissed.
"Then stop trying to get me involved," Emma shot back. "What must you do now? Leave? Please say 'leave.'"
"Let us take a look at your 'dangerous criminals'," the Arishok said contemptuously. "Speak."
Two young elves stepped forward.
"A city guard forced himself onto our sister," one of them said. "We reported him but Guard Captain Aveline said that it was impossible for a city guard to do something that terrible and then threw us out of her office because she had a date with one of her subordinates."
"We kept trying to appeal to her and eventually she had us arrested for harassment," the other one continued. "So we hunted down the bastard and stabbed him through the heart."
"That doesn't excuse murder," Aveline said sanctimoniously, not even bothering to deny it.
Emma stared at her. "Are you kidding? Yes, it does."
"Without the laws that govern us, we would be in chaos," Aveline lectured. "They should have taken it up with the proper authorities."
"They did and you didn't care," Emma snapped. "And don't try to pass the buck here because this is one of your precious rapist guardsmen and the complaint was brought directly in front of you. If someone even implied they were thinking about raping me, I'd have done a hell of a lot worse than just stabbing him. And if it were Bethany...Well, this bastard got off easy."
The two elves cheered.
"I'm sort of an elven hero here in Kirkwall," Emma said modestly. "No idea how that happened. I think it's just that everyone else really sucks and I kind of don't."
"No one is above the law," Aveline claimed.
"Aveline, you have been going nearly everywhere with us when we take the law into our own hands every time we turn around, right?" Emma asked rhetorically. "Every time I think it's impossible for there to be more hypocrisy surrounding me, something like this happens."
"You're not helping," Aveline complained.
"Well you're wrong," Emma said simply.
"I thought you might see it my way," the Arishok said, pleased. "You are literally the only person worthy of respect in this entire city."
"Even considering the converts?" Emma wondered.
"They are qunari," the Arishok replied. He narrowed his eyes at Aveline. "The actions of these men are just the symptoms. Your society is the disease and you are absolutely terrible at your job."
"It's not fair to blame our society as a whole for the fact that Kirkwall is messed up!" Emma objected. "I mean…well, fine, Antiva is run by assassins. And Tevinter apparently has people killed at parties or something. And Orlais won't stop invading people and screwing each other over so they don't have to wake up and realize that no one but the Empress has any power. And Starkhaven's prince still won't leave the Kirkwall Chantry. But hey, Ferelden's nice!"
"A Sten did confirm that Ferelden was nice," the Arishok conceded.
"You can't just decide to keep people who have converted to the Qun," Aveline said stubbornly. "You must hand them over."
Emma rolled her eyes. "Really? Four years of everyone bending over backwards to cater to these people and now you're taking a stand? Over people driven to avenge their sister because you suck at your job and your guardsmen contain rapists?"
"It's a matter of principle," Aveline said determinedly.
Emma laughed darkly. "Some principle. And anyway, since this is an embassy and whatnot, I think the Arishok is totally in the right here. If they are now qunari citizens then it's not up to you to punish them."
"Why did I even bring you?" Aveline wondered.
Emma shrugged. "I've been wondering that same thing, actually."
"This really isn't my fault," the Arishok said, sounding almost regretful. "I just cannot leave because of your friend and I cannot stay and ignore how flawed and corrupt your city is when it literally comes banging on my door."
Suddenly, Aveline seemed to realize that being so inflexible could lead to a bad ending. "Wait, Arishok, there's no need to-"
The Arishok turned from her and held up a hand, immediately silencing her. He spoke two words, not in any language any of them understood.
From outside the compound, Loghain barked.
Emma's eyes widen. "He thinks it means 'kill them.'"
"What?" Aveline asked. "Don't be silly. Of course it doesn't-"
Spears suddenly rained down from above, going straight through Aveline's guards in their terrible quality guard armor.
"You were saying?" Emma asked lightly, not pleased to be under attack but, as always, loving being proven right.
"Let's just go," Aveline growled.
Emma waved goodbye to the Arishok who stared at her in bemusement before bravely running away.
"What did you guys do?" Carver demanded once they had all fled far enough away that they were no longer being chased by the qunari.
"It's all Emma's fault," Aveline claimed.
Carver snorted. "That I could believe. Of course, I could just as easily believe it's all your fault or a combination of both of your faults."
"Aveline wanted the Arishok to turn over two elves who killed one of her rapist guards because she refused to do anything about the matter," Emma explained. "Aveline's just mad because I agreed with the Arishok that she's being ridiculous."
"Do you hear that?" Varric asked, worried. "They're spreading out and attacking the rest of the city."
"I just don't see why," Aveline said slowly. "What can they possibly hope to accomplish?"
Emma let out a startled laugh. "Are you kidding me? The Arishok spelled out his reasons. He's sick and tired of Kirkwall being Kirkwall and so he wants to kill everyone."
"He can't possibly succeed," Aveline protested.
Emma shrugged. "I'm not so sure. But even if he knew he could not win, he couldn't not do it. The Qun wouldn't allow it."
"Why people follow such a rigid doctrine is beyond me," Aveline said disgustedly.
"I'm sure it is," Carver said, rolling his eyes.
"So what do we do?" Merrill asked quietly.
"We should head to the Keep to rally my guardsmen," Aveline decided.
"I don't see how them raping everyone is going to help the situation," Emma said icily.
"Don't even start," Aveline snapped.
"I say we head to the Keep as well," Fenris suggested. "But only because the viscount is there and so the Arishok will go there as well. If you want any chance of ending this, you'll need to take on the Arishok directly. He will never stop but if you can come to some arrangement – or if he is dead – then his followers are not bound by his same purpose."
"Wait, so all we have to do is kill the Arishok?" Anders couldn't believe it. "Emma could have done that back there."
"Not quite," Fenris corrected. "First we must get him to acknowledge that he respects her-"
"He totally already did," Emma assured him.
Fenris nodded. "Excellent. And after that, you just let me talk to him and point out that, as someone he legitimately respects, you have the right to do a duel with to the death with him."
Emma paled. "Wait, what? I'm supposed to fight him alone?"
"Of course," Fenris agreed. "That's just how it's done. He doesn't respect anyone else, certainly not Aveline, and even if you could get him to let you have more people then he'd also increase the number of people he has. He'd probably use mages. Qunari mages…You really don't want to fight them. Maybe it's just that their life is terrible but they are vicious."
"I can't do this!" Emma protested. "I'm terrible at close-range and I can't expect him to stand still and let me cast spells at him!" She paused. "Unless I manage to freeze him…"
"There is one piece of good news," Fenris told her. "If you claim that your dog is a part of you, he'll probably let you use him."
Emma's eyes lit up. "Sweet! I'll be fine, then. Loghain will not enjoy this, though…"
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