Cor couldn't help it. He really was frightened. He so badly loathed the thought of upsetting his father that he was shaking with fear the closer they got to where they knew his father was. "I know that I shouldn't be so afraid. And I know that I am just repeating myself, but what if my dad gets mad at me? I mean, after all that he did for me, even after I grew up so far away from here, why wouldn't he be mad. He did all this for me, and how do I return it, but to do this to myself, when both Dad and Corin have made such a big deal out of how much they love me. I just don't want to hurt my dad and I don't want for him to be angry with me." Cor couldn't even meet Peter's eyes now. He knew that he was just being silly. The whole thing was silly. As he had just said, he came back, and his family accepted him and gave him everything; love, protection, everything he needed physically. They had given him a family for the first time in his life, and he went and acted like he was still back with that man. He couldn't even understand why he did it, himself.
"Cor, I have said it before, and I will say it again: your dad loves you. Of course he accepted you, you are his son. It wasn't your fault that you were kidnapped when you were a baby. Your father loves you. And looking ahead to when you tell Corin, your brother does too. They don't love you because of anything you have done, so it stands to reason that they aren't going to stop loving you because of anything that you haven't done. Believe me Cor, your dad is not going to be mad at you." As they talked Peter had been carefully maneuvering Cor, so that they were slowly strolling towards their destination. Peter almost regretted the way he had done it though, when they reached the door. As Peter reached up to knock, Cor began to visibly shake at the prospect of explaining the whole thing. Peter gave Cor's shoulders another squeeze as Lune opened the door.
Lune had been buried in his work lately. When he heard a knock on the door, all he could do was hope that it wasn't more. "Oh. Cor, Peter, won't you come in?" Lune wasn't sure exactly what was going on, but he did know that something wasn't right. His son seemed so visibly shaken.
After they had sat down, Lune asked worriedly, "What is going on? Is everything okay? Cor?"
"I.." Cor began, but he trailed off, still not sure of exactly what he should say. He looked over at Peter, who smiled reassuringly at him. "I have something to tell you." Cor was trying to think of what to say next when his father spoke.
"What is it, son? Is everything okay? Whatever it is, I want you to know that I am here for you." Lune was definitely worried about his son. He had only gotten him back so recently. He hated the thought that Cor might be unhappy.
While unexpected, his father's words had greatly reassured the extremely nervous crown prince. "I just don't want you to be mad at me." As much as he hated to admit it, even to his own ears he had sounded weak and unsure of himself when he had said it.
Well, I am not going to be mad at you, son. My guess is that it is not even something to be mad about. And even if it is, I would have been much more upset if you had NOT come to me. I want you to always know that you can come to me no matter what it is. I love you, and there is absolutely nothing that you can tell me that will change that. Lune gave his son a half of smile, but he was extremely upset. This whole thing... One of the things that bothered him the most was that Peter had come with Cor. That just didn t seem right. It was as if Cor was afraid to come to him alone. Lune hoped more than anything that that wasn t the case. He absolutely hated the thought that he had done something to make his son afraid to come to him alone.
I... Cor stopped again. He could see how worried his father was. What was it going to do to him when he found out what his son had been doing. But he had to go through with it. Now that he had come this far, there was no way out. And even if there was, and he decided not to tell his father, he knew that Peter and Edmund wouldn t leave until they were sure that he was alright. Therefore, they wouldn t leave until they were completely sure that Lune would be able to handle him and deal with everything, in order to help him. Oh, if only he had stopped sooner. Then it wouldn t be so hard. Then all he would have to show his father would be scars. But then, no, if he had stopped sooner, Peter and Edmund wouldn t have noticed and he never would have had to hurt his family by telling them in the first place. I don t know exactly how to say it. I mean... I just...
What is it, son? Please don t be afraid to tell me.
Peter wasn t sure exactly what to do, but finally he reached over and forced Cor to push his sleeve up.
King Lune was shocked at what he saw, although he wasn t sure exactly what it was. Cor! He gasped. I don t understand. Did that man that did all those other things... his voice trailed off. He didn t know exactly what to say.
Cor looked even more upset now. Obviously this hadn t been the thing to say. No. I...
Peter looked calmly at Lune, I think what he is trying to say is that no one else did that to him.
Oh Cor, Lune wasn t sure exactly how he was supposed to respond. You did it to yourself?
All Cor could do was nod guiltily and miserably.
Cor, I, Lune stopped, trying to figure out exactly what to say next. Did I do something to make you feel this way? Are you not happy here? Why Cor? And under his breath he added and what did I do wrong?
Nothing. I knew it is horrible, and you have every right to be disgusted with me. But, for what it is worth I didn t just go to Peter and Edmund before you. They figured it out when they saw my arm. I am so sorry. I know it is awful. Cor dropped his head in shame.
Seeing the expected compassion in Lune s eyes, Peter had quietly stood and slipped out of the room about half way through Cor s monologue.
Lune got up silently and moved to sit down next to his son. Gently he pulled Cor into a hug. I am so sorry that this happened. But you have nothing to feel bad about. I am most certainly not disgusted. I hate the fact that I ever gave you any reason to think that I was. It doesn t really matter that you went to them. I am just glad that you are able to talk about it. You have nothing to be sorry for. Yes it is wrong, but it isn t anything you did wrong. There are times that you can t help the way you feel.
Peter was leaving the room at this point, but he smiled as he heard it. This would take time, but with his dad s help, and eventually his brother s help, Cor would be OK. Peter was glad to have this kind of news to report to Edmund. He knew that Edmund had been just as worried as he had been about Cor.
Cor was shocked at his father s reaction. He had expected his father to be absolutely furious with him, and rightly so. What Cor hated was that his father seemed to feel that he had done something wrong. Then Cor remembered that his father had asked him if he was not happy there and he knew he had to respond. He couldn t go on allowing his father to feel that he wasn t happy there. And it isn t that I am not happy here. I don t really know exactly what it is. I just do it. After I do it, I know that I shouldn t have, but I guess it feels good while I am doing it. I don t even really know. But I really do like it here. This is by far the nicest place I have ever lived.
His son s words nearly broke Lune s heart. He could tell that Cor didn t know what to do. And the part about it being the nicest place he had ever lived... Yes, Lune knew that it was a castle, but the way Cor had said it, Lune knew that the man who had kept his son convinced that he was his father had not only treated him awful, but he had never given him enough of anything either. As hard as Lune tried, he couldn t help but finding himself having a hatred for the man who had dared to harm his son, as he had. Lune pulled Cor a little closer, finding himself wanting to let Cor know that he truly was loved. Cor, he said gently. I don t know why you do it either, but I want you to know that I am here for you. No matter what. If you ever feel like cutting yourself, I don t care when it is, I want you to know that you are free to come to me. And when you feel like talking to me, about what happens around the time that you do it, or about what happened before... His voice trailed off there. He wanted to know what had happened to his son, but he could tell that it was a hard topic for him. Just whenever you are ready, or whenever you need anything, I want you to know that you can come to me. I just want you to know that I am here for you, OK Cor? That truly was what Lune wanted his son to know, as he held him gently against himself. As Cor started to relax against him, he could feel the sobs shake his young son s body, and as the sobs shook Cor s body, the very matter of the thing shook Lune s heart and soul to the very core.
I... kn... know that, Cor said through the broken sobs.
Although Lune could barely understand Cor, with his son s words he found himself knowing he had to give his son as much love as possible.
It was about fifteen minutes later before Cor tried to speak again. I m sorry, Cor said quietly pulling away from his father and trying futilely to wipe away the tears.
Cor, there is no need for you to be sorry. I just finished telling you that I am here for you and that includes now. Lune hurt for his son, but he didn t know what else to do or what else to say.
But there is. I have done so many stupid things. I just don t know why I do them. And there is a reason for me to apologize. Look at all the trouble my idiotic mistakes have caused. And I can t even guarantee that I won t do it again. Because when the urge hits me to do it... Cor was once again refusing to meet his father s eye with the shame he felt over the whole situation.
Cor look at me. Lune couldn t help but flinch when his son raised his eyes, but still refused to meet his gaze. You haven t caused any trouble. And they weren t idiotic mistakes. You were, and are hurting. I can see that. And I am not mad at you about it. In a instantaneous gesture Lune reached out, and once again wrapped his arm around his son.
Dad please. I just... Cor still couldn t bring himself to look at his father, no mattter what he said. He still felt too guilty. Too worthless.
Cor, I know that it is hard on you. And don t protest me taking care of you. I know that this is hurting you a lot. I just want you to trust me. But you have no reason to feel guilty. No reason to feel ashamed of yourself. And don t try telling me that you aren t when I can see it in your eyes that you are. Cor, I love you. I want you to know that, and I don t want you to feel as if you have done something that is so terrible. No, it isn t right, but you were and are hurting and you haven t known how to handle it. That isn t your fault. I know that you have been doing your best to do what is right. Lune wasn t sure what else to say and he knew he was repeating himself. But how was he supposed to handle this? He had just gotten his son back and not he was faced with this. He just didn t know what he was supposed to do.
I love you too. He didn t know what else to say. He wanted to make his father not feel bad about the whole thing. He had known that he would, and that was one of the reasons that he hadn t wanted his father or his brother to know. But after Peter and Edmund found out he had been forced to tell his father. Either that, or risk havind them tell. That certainly wouldn t have been good either. If possible, that might have been worse on his father than this had been, hearing it from someone else, without Cor being involved in explaining the whole thing. Finally Cor managed the courage to look up. But when he did, he wished he hadn t. He couldn t help but notice the pained, tearful look on his father s face. And what hurt even more than the fact that it was there, was the fact that he knew that he had caused it. He wished that he could keep the whole thing from ever having happened.
Lune didn t know what else to say, but he pulled his son a little closer, wanting more than anything to let him know that he was loved, that he wasn t worthless, that he hadn t done anything wrong, and that he wasn t mad at him.
Dad, Cor said, his voice faltering, and as he said it, he hesitated. He was scared out of his wits about what he was about to say, and what he would be telling his father that night, but he knew that it needed to be talked about, and that when they were already talking about it was as good of time as any. He just wasn t sure where to start, or how to explain it so that it would be the easiest for his dad to take. It wasn t going to be easy, no matter what, but maybe he could make it easier. He could start at the beginning with the first things he really remembered, or he could start explaining an average day, or he could explain the various types of days, or he could start at the end with what made him decide to run away. But no matter how many times he looked at the situation there was not a single easy way to do it. Any way he did it would be hard, and any way he did it would hurt his father. It terrified him, every time he imagined the horrified look that would be on his father s face as he told him everything.
What is it Cor? Whatever it is, please know that you don t have to be afraid. There is nothing you can say that can change one simple fact. That fact is that I love you, son. Lune could sense that this was going to be one of the most important things that his son had said so far, so he was making a conscious effort to make his son as comfortable as possible. Lune couldn t help but wonder what he was about to hear, and what kind of an impact it would have on what he had heard, and their lives, overall. While he didn t know, he did know that the impact would be huge.
I just... Cor knew he had to go with it while he could. He shook his head quietly as he tried to figure out how to get everything together and to tell his dad what had happened. I guess, what I am trying to say is that, well, I want to tell you what happened before...before you found me. He stopped not quite sure how to continue.
Cor, it is okay, whatever it is. You can tell me. Lune wanted to make sure that his son was okay, but he could tell that this was going to be hard to explain.
He made me work all the time. Sometimes even when I worked as hard as I could he hit me. Cor had to stop there, unable to continue, as the memories came flooding back to him.
When his son stopped, Lune knew exactly what to do. Even though he wasn t sure what was about to come next, or what the details were of what had already happened, he thought that the best thing to do would be to let his son talk, and let him know that he was there for him. Finally he decided to speak, as his son tried understand how to explain what had happened Cor, please don t feel as if you have to explain it all now. I am going to be here for as long as you ned me to. I want you to know that, okay son? Lune hoped that he had said the right thing, and that he had been right to speak at all. He couldn t help but feel nervous about dealing with all of this. He wanted nothing more than to take care of his son.
Cor nodded silently. Finally he said, I guess I just don t know how to explain it. It really hurts to talk about it, but I know I need to. It was really hard. I tried so hard to do what he wanted me to do, but it never worked. Sometimes he would just ignore me, but that was only if I did everything the way he wanted me too. But if it wasn t perfect or if he didn t have a good day...
Cor stopped there, and Lune longed to hear the rest of his son s story. But he would just have to wait. After a few moments of Cor not saying anything Lune almost pressed his son for information. But when he looked at his son and saw him crying he opted not to. Instead he gently reached over and wrapped his arm around his son. Don t worry about it Cor. Just take your time. I will be here as long as you need me to be. Lune felt that his words were repetitive and inadequate but he didn t know what else to say.
Dad, Cor finally managed to say. If he didn t think I did enough work or if he thought that I didn t do it right, or if he didn t have a good day, he... he would hitme. Cor didn t say anything more, he just waited on his father s reaction. It had been hard to rell, but it WAS a relief to know that his father knew what had happened to him. Well some of it. What Cor knew that he really needed to do, was to go into detail about the whole thing. To tell his dad about how often thatman had beaten him. To tell him how painful it was, both physically and emotianally. But what Cor wondered was if he could do it. Could he work up the courage to explain the whole thing? Could he come up with a way to explain without hurting his father anymore than he already had? He knew he needed too, but what reason did he have when it would be so hard for him to tell, and so hard for his father to hear.
Oh Cor... Lune stopped there. He knew he had to be even more cautious than he had been before, now that he knew this. His heart ached for all that his son had endured. I know it hurts, but I love you, and that is over now. You are safe here, and I am going to take care of you. Lune was at a loss for words for a few moments, but then added as an afterthought, And Corin loves you so much. He thinks of you as his best friend. He is so glad to have a brother, and he loves you a lot. He has been very worried about you lately. Lune instantly regretted adding the part about Corin worrying, because instantly his son s face became crestfallen, and Lune could see the pain and guily written all over the boy s face. Then he quickly added, hoping to undo some of the damage, but he has only been so worried because he loves you. He is so glad to have a brother, and he can t stand the though that anything could hurt you or make you unhappy here. He just loves you. That is all there is to it. Hopefully that fixed some of it, Lune thought worriedly to himself.
I just wish I didn t have to worry you or him. That is the last thing I ever wanted to do. I...
Lune cut him off calmly, I know that, and Corin knows that you aren t trying to do anything to upset him. Now, I am not pushing you, but I think you might want to think about telling him some of this in the foreseeable future too. I can go with you if you want, but that is up to you. I just think he would want to know, so that he can understand a little bit better why you have acted the way you have, and why you get so upset sometimes. Besides, you think I haven t noticed, because you told your guards not to tell me, but I know that you have been having nightmares. And since Corin is sleeping in the next room over from yours, I am sure he knows too. I just think that you might want to help him understand what has been going on.
I guess I should tell Corin pretty soon. If you don t mind though, I would kind of like to tell him alone. He was asking me what was wrong the other day and I promised him that I would tell him soon. I will go tell him as soon as I finish talking to you. Cor laughed nervously and said, I guess today is just a day for nice long interesting conversations, isn t it?
I guess so, Cor. Now, I don t mean to rush you, but whenever you are ready, you can continue with... Lune nearly choked trying to come up with the words to ask his son to continue telling his horrifying story of what had happened, with your story.
I am sorry. Cor s voice was unnaturally quiet. I didn t mean to get off track. I really wasn t trying to avoid telling you, I just...
Oh, Cor. You didn t do anything wrong. It was I who changed the subject slightly. There was no wrong doing, certainly not on your part. It just about broke Lune s heart to hear his son sounding so guilty over something so trivial. He clenched his fists, trying to avoid letting his anger at the man whom had harmed his son become evident. He certainly didn t need to act angry in front of Cor. With the way he was acting, Lune suspected that he felt guilty over any and every small thing that went wrong.
I guess not. Cor couldn t help but feel that he had done something wrong, but then he had felt like that for as long as he could remember. The only difference was that now he felt guilty for feeling guilty when he thought he had done something wrong. Now it felt as if he shouldn t blame himself for those things. But, I guess I should continue now. He paused as he tryed to slip himself back into his memories enough to tell his father what had transpired, but not enough that it would result in him bursting into tears again. That was just another thing to feel guilty for. Every time he cried, he saw the way it hurt his father, and he couldn t help but feel as if he had done something wrong. So he was just going to have to figure out how to completely hide his emotions when he needed too.
But just then, as if he had read his son s mind, Lune said firmly, and I don t want you to start trying to hide things from me. And I don t just mean things you have done, or things that have happened to you. I also mean your feelings. You don t have to be an open book, but you certainly don t need to try to mask your emotions. Sometimes in public we do, but with me and with Corin, you can be completely honest. And with a lot of our friends. There is no reason to hide our emotions. In fact, I believe that was part of your problem. There are times that you just need to be honest with people. Lune stopped there, as he realized that he had sounded as if he were scolding. The few months that he had had with Cor had proved him to be very sensitive to any scoldings, and now Lune knew why.
So, he hurt me a lot. He beat me when I did something that he didn t like or when I didn t do something that he wanted me to do. It hurt a lot. I am so glad to be here, now, Dad. It is so much better here. Even when I have nightmares, I have you and Corin to make sure that I am okay, and to take care of me. Thank you so much. I really do appreciate it. I guess that is one good thing that has come out of everything I went through before I ran away. I know how to appreciate things so much more. Cor managed to say softly.
Cor, I know that must have been very hard for you. And yes, you most certainly do know how to appreciate things much better than most people do. Lune had to work hard not to get choked up as he talked to his son. There was something that I was wondering if you would do.
Sure. Cor said, his voice a little stronger now. He had managed not to cry as he finished most of what he had to tell his father. Go ahead and tell me. I can probably do whatever it is. He couldn t believe how trusting of his father he had become. A couple of months ago, he never would have dreamed of saying something like that. Now he could, and he couldn t help but love it. He had a family, and he had friends that had become much like family.
Cor, did... did what he did to you leave scars?
Cor wasn t prepared for the question, and it took him a moment to answer, yeah, I... I guess so... I mean, yes, it did. He knew that his answer sounded ridiculous, but the truth was, that was the last thing he had expected. He didn t know what he had expected, but he knew that it certainly hadn't been that. He looked questioningly at his father, wondering why on earth his father wanted to know that, of all things. Maybe he didn't have a reason, but it had certainly caught him off guard. He shifted nervously, as he waited to find out why his father had asked him that.
Could I see them, please? I know it probably isn t very comfortable for you, but I would really like to see them. I think it would help me to understand.
I... I guess so. As uncomfortable as it was, Cor slowly took off his shirt to allow his father to see the numerous scars that adorned his back.
When Lune saw Cor s back, it hurt him deeply. The fact that someone had dared to harm his son this way, so many times, as was obvious from Cor s words, and from the various stages of scarring in the wounds. Gently Lune reached forward and pulled his son to him.
As Cor relaxed and let his father hold him he knew that it would be okay. Yes he still had to explain the whole thing to his brother, yes he would still have days that it was a struggle to keep himself from cutting, and he couldn t guarantee that he wouldn t mess up again, but now that his dad knew, it would be okay, somehow. And soon his brother would know, and he knew that he could count on the fact that Corin would be there for him. Yes, somehow, it would be okay.
A/N: Please read and review. I stayed up really late several nights and until four last night writing this. I really appreciate the reviews. After this there will either be one more chapter and the epilogue or an extremely long epilogue. Please PM me or let me know in your review if you have a preference.
A/N 2: Please check out my story on FictionPress. I am under the same name on there, or you can find a link to the story on my profile.
Thanks for reading!
M ge Der Lowe Mit Euch Sein Und Sein Segen Euch Begleiten,
Ashleigh