Chapter 13: Lost and Found

He was losing his sense of self; something was running farther and farther away from him. And part of him, the part that was sensible and feeling, was screaming for help. But the other half, the Hunter, screamed louder for blood and casualty. And that part seemed to be winning.

Blood was everywhere, like violent red paint splattered across a tranquil canvas. He had reached the Dragon in a matter of seconds…or was it minutes? Or hours even? Time had no meaning anymore. Nothing mattered but the blood that soaked his arms and face and the feeling of ultimate power.

He was the strongest! Voices sounded in the background, but he couldn't have cared less, unless they happened to turn into a threat, then he would be glad to pay attention. The Dragon's face was beautifully mortifying; bits of what used to be its nose were splattered across the sands. The creature's teeth were cracked and broken much like his own tooth, and the beast was whimpering and whining.

He could not find himself. And it was beautiful to be lost in this world; there was no sadness or fear. No love or hate or happiness or pain. It seemed like he was released from the world. There was simply a void that filled him up. And there was a voice; something that sounded oddly sinister but beautiful at the same time as it was beckoning him, driving him deeper into himself. He was lost among visions of bloody battles and murders that never were…

Yao-tl was aghast. She had seen Hunters become lost in their bloodlust, but this was different. He was ripping and clawing at the sand, obviously unaware of anyone or anything around him. His claws were broken, his armor torn and scattered and his face… it cautioned her. She looked at what had once been the Dragon. He seemed pitiful and an ache opened in her heart for him. No hunter should die that way, even on of another species, She turned to the two Hunters left of those that had come. They were beaten and battered as well, but the pose their bodies gave of was one of concern and caution. They were wary of Cit'lal-I as well. A loud roar turned her attentions back to the mortal Hunter. He was looking at the sky, eyes black and swollen, and shouting.

She cocked her head to the side, sensors in her ears perking for a sound hidden beneath the shouts. Desperation?

A sweet voice pierced his mind as a hot knife. It hurt, but the pain was a brief respite to the nothingness.

You don't realize it. But you like this nothingness. You have searched for it all your life.

"No!" he shouted at the black. He couldn't see. "I didn't want this!"

But you did! You hunkered behind your invisible wall like a coward! Forget these things you tried to hide! Forget everything!

"Go away! Leave me alone!"

But you created me, I am yours.

He couldn't shout again, whatever was in his mind took a hold on what little will he had left. Cupping his hands over his ears, Cit'lal-I closed his eyes and let the tears fall.

Lose yourself.

And he was drowned by nothing.

Yao-tl stared at what used to be Cit'lal-I for a few minutes after he stopped screaming. He lay there now, silent and crying like a pup during a nightmare. Shaking her head, the Huntress hissed in annoyance and switched gazes to the Dragon. He had long stopped breathing, but seemed to glow with every high-tide wave that hit his scaled body. He wasn't dead yet. And the human had been gone for a while. Yao -tl hadn't seen her since the Dragon had caused that large wave. But Yao-tl didn't think that the human was dead. This whole trip would be pointless if that female died! Damn her!

And the yautja female shook her head to rid herself of those thoughts and to clear her coming headache. She turned to the Hunters behind her, who had created a fire to warm themselves but never took one eye off Citlal-i. Yautja didn't much like the cold. Walking to the fire, the Huntress ran a hand through her dread-like hair and growled at the others to make a space for her.

"I have seen it before." The Hunters continued their conversation like she had never been there.

"They kill themselves from the inside."

"You're an idiot." Another one snorted. "Impossible!"

Yao -tl was no longer listening. She stared at the stars, wondering if there was a God up there that cared to help. They desperately needed guidance right now. A song came to mind, her mother's singing voice repeating in her head. The tune of the song moved solemnly up and down giving off a dark, shadowy echo. Much Yautja music did this. She smiled and added her voice to the noise on the beach.

"Heave the hollow silver sliver,

Piercing through another victim,

Turn and tremble,

So judgmental,

Ignorant to all the symbols,

Hide your face,

A deathly grace,

Your battles will soon decide,

Whether your flesh is a waste,

Or your name is full of pride."

It had not been one of the more happy songs her mother had sung, but then it was not meant to be. It was usually sung in the older days to send off younglings to their Blooding. The song had a hollow, dark sound to it and it induced feelings of hatred and depression among its listeners. But no one was listening now. Yao -tl looked to Cit'lal-i and glared angrily. This seemed to be the perfect place for the song, and it seemed that Cit'lal-i was the perfect person to sing it to. No wonder it had come into her mind. What a waste of him.

Nothing, there was no blackness nor hatred or feeling. Whether it was mental or otherwise, it was so agonizingly empty. There was something there though, a light that the nothingness was attempting to keep Cit'lal-I away from. He knew it was sweet and good and filled with memories, oh how he missed even those now! Let them come, good and bad! But the black thing was keeping him from it, he couldn't move!

You are mine, you are me!

Cit'lal-I stopped thinking. What? He belonged to no one but… and there it was again, that fleeting sweet memory of someone dear to his heart. "My love…"

You have no one!

"Liar, I have!" but he could not remember exactly who this person was. He needed help! He couldn't do this all alone!

You are alone.

"No."

Yes, they all left you, even her.

The nothingness gave him a fleeting memory of her thrown into a wave by the Dragon, and then his mother dead on the floor, his father's honored tomb, and his brother's dead mangled corpse and the acid running from it, three sisters burned to death by a loose Queen. His whole life he had been alone. No one had cared whether he lived or died. He was alone.

"No, don't leave me all alone!"

Cit'lal-i

A feminine voice cut into the nothingness with a warm feeling, one he could not place.

"Leave me be." It hurt too much to care anymore.

You're not alone. I'm here…aren't I?

And this time, Cit'lal-I looked up at the female astonished. He could not remember her too well, the nothingness was fighting her, but he knew she was important.

"I am not good enough to be with... people."

You're good enough for me.

"Do not lend me a false hope."

I love you Cit'lal-i. I love you just the way you are.

Something in her words made Cit'lal-i remember a cave and then a temple. He looked at her again and remembered who and what she was.

" Xochiyotl!"

The nothingness exploded into light the voice that had trapped him screamed and disappeared in the light of Xochiyotl and he remembered everything. Looking in a new, cherishing, light Cit'lal-I loved the good memories. All of those glorious hunts, or the time spent with this human girl. And all of the bad memories weren't rebuked, for they made up who he was. He watched the black memories flood with the white ones and they washed his mind clean of doubt and selflessness. He opened his eyes and realized what he had been…and what he had become.