Disclaimer: TNT, the wonderful authors, actors, and others associated with R & I own it all...me? Nothing!
Grabbing our Future, Ch 2
Dawn means so much more than the rising of the sun in the East. It is a promise of new opportunities, new experiences, and sometimes a new world. I love the dawn and try to meet it each day with enthusiasm. Jane, however…she is not a big fan of dawn. I have established a routine of rising with Jackson early when he awakes and preparing him for his day. Jane typically rests longer, enjoying the bed (with a pillow over her head) until she somehow instinctually knows that the diaper is changed the clothes are in place and food is ready. I don't mind. I truly embrace the new day with Jackson, and I've become accustomed to the joy in his eyes when I go to him. He seems to be excited when I enter his room and approach him. That is a feeling unlike anything I've ever been party to…and it is a feeling I never want to lose.
Today is different. At first I don't really think of it or remember what has happened, until I begin to get out of bed and hear Jane mumble something that sounds like "love you babe". Yes, now I remember. Jane loves me. LOVES me, loves me. Jane kissed me. I kissed Jane. Now I remember that my life will never be the same as yesterday…that this dawn has brought me a new and different life than the one I had yesterday. I hesitate in bed and simply watch Jane sleep for a moment. Her beauty is not lost in slumber. In some ways it is enhanced. She is open, walls down, and at peace this morning. Jane has never understood how simply stunning she is. She attracts men wherever she goes…and many, many women. I had noticed that throughout our friendship and even found myself jealous of it. I felt possessive with Jane as I had not with anyone, and I quite frankly didn't understand. I will have to do some research…there must a phenomena that would explain my inept understanding of my feelings for Jane until last night. I loved her but…once she touched my face last night…once she touched my lips…I was bombarded with all the moments and touches we had shared before. Truly crushed with the wave of passion I was now enabled to feel and to acknowledge. How had I kept this at bay? How had I not, as Jane would say, "gotten it"?
Well….I've got it now. And I will not give it up. This is my family…this is my love…my future.
"Hello, my love! Good morning, Jackson…did you sleep well, precious?" I was greeted with a gurgle, a smile, and rapid leg movements. Peering into the crib each morning was absolutely a highlight and could take away all of the familial pain I had experienced in my life. It was pure and innocent, and it was love. I love this little life with everything I am…and he loves me. Jackson snuggles into my neck as I pick him up and head to the changing table. He is sucking on his fists to indicate his hunger, but he is accustomed to this routine. He is assured of his care and upcoming meal, so he does not cry. If I dawdle, however, he will communicate his displeasure with force. He is a Rizzoli, after all.
We talk as I prepare his bottle. "Jackson, what will we do today? Huh? I think we should read this morning…yes…I bought you some new books with big pictures and bright colors. Then maybe…a bath? Does that sound like fun? How about the park? It should be a lovely day to be outside."
"You always talk to him like he is going to answer you back any minute," Jane spoke from the kitchen doorway. She was in her sleepwear, barefooted, with a touch of firm belly showing, hair pulled back in a loose ponytail…she was gorgeous. And that smile…not her smirk…a small, knowing smile graced her face. "But, Dr. Isles, he loves to hear you whatever you are saying. You could speak baby-Google or baby-gibberish, and he would be entranced by you….so would I." Jane began to cross the kitchen as she spoke. She approached us with confidence until she reached out her arms. She hesitated briefly looking in my eyes for acceptance or approval of physical contact.
"Well, Detective, I find myself entranced by him and by you on a daily basis as well…and all either of you have to do is smile." With that I take the half-step required to meet Jane's open arms. I fit myself under her arm and into her neck with Jackson securely between us. Her arms envelope me. When I pull back she peers down at me and glances to my lips. I do not want to miss this chance to initiate contact, so I reach up and kiss her, softly at first and then with more pressure and passion. I want her to understand that last night was not a dream or a mistake. "Good morning, my love."
The radiance of her smile is breathtaking. "Thank God…Maura, I love you." She kisses me thoroughly and the tingling I feel in my spine is beginning to override my good sense until…"Waaaaaaa!" Jackson reminds us that it is his breakfast time, and our attention should be on him right now. Jane and I separate but only pull away enough to smile at each other and turn toward the now crying little man in our lives. "Ok, bud…we hear you! You don't have to shout," Jane tells him as she takes him from my arms. "Can I feed him this morning?"
"Sure, Jane…I'll take care of Jo and Bass while you do. Let me get his bottle while you two get comfy."
Jane proceeds into the living room with Jackson to sit on the sofa. She talks to him soothingly and props her feet up on the coffee table, clicks on ESPN, and gets herself prepared for bottle time. I grab the bottle, make certain it is the proper temperature, gather a burp rag, and go to join them. "Here you go sweetie," I say as I hand the bottle over and place the rag on Jane's shoulder.
"Thanks, Maur."
I touch Jackson's little head and move to walk away as he begins to eat. One step is all I take before I execute a quick turn back to Jane. She senses the movement and looks toward me. With a smile, I reach for her stroking her face briefly then kissing her with all the love I feel. The kiss is long and meaningful for both of us. And it simply feels right and empowering. I pull back kissing her twice more then look at this woman who has become my world. Continuing to touch her face, I smile again and speak my heart, "I don't know who I need to thank for bringing us here at this moment…I never imagined that I could feel…feel so much…but now that I know it exists, I am never giving it up. I will fight for you, Jane. I will fight with you, beside you whatever comes. I love you."
My tears were falling without my knowledge. Jane freed one hand by balancing Jackson's bottle with the hand supporting him and reached for me. She tenderly wiped my cheeks and urged me to come back to her for a kiss. "We have a lot to discuss, and when little man finishes up and is situated for a while, we will start. But you need to know this is it for me, Maura. I am not running or hiding anymore. You are absolutely stuck with me."
"Stuck implies a negative, Jane. Something that is unappealing or unwanted…something one wants to be free from. I am absolutely blessed with you…never stuck." With one last kiss, I leave to take care of our "other" children and get ready to face the first day of the rest of our lives.