A/N: Ok...I couldn't wait to get this one out there for you to see. I hope you like it. My prayers go out to those being affected by Hurricane Sandy...stay safe.

CH 8

Planning for the wedding progressed with ease and since Maura was doing most of it, Jane didn't think it was too bad. They talked about location ideas, officiants, vows, flowers, and all of that, but Jane allowed Maura to run with what she thought was best. It was sure to be dignified and beautiful with Maura and her mother setting it up. Ultimately, the bandstand in Boston Common was selected with Maura's "Uncle Steven", Judge Hamilton to everyone else, set to perform the ceremony. My responsibility was to get an outfit, get Maura's wedding ring, talk to my Ma, and show up. I have the easy part, right? Yeah, I wish….

I hadn't spoken to Ma since the family meeting a week ago other than to say 'hi' and answer questions about Jackson. I honestly am not sure whether I need to give her more time or reach out to her. My Ma may drive me crazy sometimes, but I love her and it breaks my heart that she is hurting. What I am most worried about though is why she is hurting…is she most upset about Frank's failings as a man, father, and husband? Or that her dreams for me of marrying a wonderful man are gone? Or is she really NOT ok with me being with Maura? God, I hate family conflict. I don't want to hurt my mother, but I won't give up Maura…not even for her. I guess I need to grow a set and go see my Ma.

"Hey, Korsak. I'm caught up on my paperwork, and since it is quiet with everyone in Boston believing in love and peace or some such shit with no murderers in sight, I'm going to head home. That OK?"

"Sure, Jane…everything ok with Jackson? He sick or something?"

"No, no…I just…I'm going to go try to talk to my Ma."

"Good…go on. Get outta here."

I text Maura: "going hm early evrythng fine c u l8r love you"

The reply hits my phone as I reach my car: "ok… b hm n a cpl hrs kiss jcksn i love you, jane"

Pulling into our driveway, I expect to see the nanny's car. She wouldn't go out with Jackson without our knowledge, so my best guess is that Ma has come home and dismissed her to spend time with the baby. She did this two or three afternoons a week before the paternity results came back, but as far as I know, she hasn't since. I open the front door, call out for whoever is in the house to know it is me, and proceed into the living room.

"Jane, we're in here." Ma calls from Jackson's room. I go to the drawer where I keep my service weapon secure while I'm at home, set the safety, placing the gun and my badge in their designated spots before I go to the nursery. When I walk into the room I find Ma sitting on the floor with Jack while he stares up from his playmat at one of his 'visually stimulating and neuro pathway developing' toys…whatever, he likes it, so I don't care what its deeper significance is.

"Ma, did you send Patty home?"

"Yeah. I just wanted to see Jacksy for a bit before you got home from work."

"Ma…you don't have to ask permission or find time when we aren't around to see him."

"I just don't know what to do, Jane," my Ma looked up at me for really the first time in days and she does it with tears overwhelming her, "what do I do? What did I do? What did I do wrong?"

Oh, God. I hate seeing anyone cry. I really am a big softie under my smart-ass, bad-ass persona, but there are two people who I CANNOT handle to see shedding tears: Maura and my mother. I hurry to her and sit down beside her, taking her hands, "Ma. You didn't do anything wrong. Nothing. None of this is your fault." I knew she was talking about her marriage. And of course, this child who was a product of its disintegration.

"Ma, listen to me. I don't know what happened to daddy; I honestly don't. But he is not the same man I grew up with. He is cold and selfish…he didn't take my calls the first few times after I found him," great, now I'm going to cry. Shit.

"Jane…"

"Ma, I'm ok. After the whole annulment scene at the café when he left, I really thought…maybe he was just confused or sick or something like that, ya' know? I thought maybe none of what had happened was real…he's come back and apologize to you and to us and we'd be a family again." I run my hand through my hair and across my face, and damn, I'm still crying. "Shit! What am I?! Nine years old? Hoping my daddy will come home?"

"Janey, I did, too. Despite how furious I was at him. I just wanted an explanation and I would have taken him back. I prayed to God every night, to show me what I did wrong and help me make it right, so our family could be healed. I went to confession and talked to the Priests, I even went to a therapist a coupla times."

"Really! Ma I didn't know that."

"I was desparate for answers, Jane…for a reason behind the hell we were all in….the hell that I was in."

"Ma, when I did talk to…Frank…about Jackson he called him a bastard. He was willing to sign anything to not have anything to do with him, if the tests showed he was the sperm donor." I spare Ma the sordid and awful conversation I actually had with Frank. The one where he cursed her and Lydia, calling her a little fucking blond whore. The one where he didn't ever want to hear from me again.

"Jane. I'm so sorry you had to deal with that. I just don't understand…"

"Stop it, mom! Don't you every apologize for him again! Ever! We are not going to understand what he did, but from this point on, I say we stop trying and start living completely without him. Not moving on, or getting over it, but really and truly living as a family without him in it in any way. He is gone and for my money, good damn riddance."

"janey! He is your father!"

"No, Ma!" with a deep breath, I soften my tone. "No, Ma…you are my mother, my only parent. A parent sacrifices for their children, loves them without limits, gives without limits…they comfort and correct…they hold their children when they cry and whistle with pride as they accomplish great things…real parents do that…no matter how old their kids are. Frank couldn't just be my father for 30 years and call it quits. Parents don't get to retire and get a damn gold watch! You are my parent, you do all the things for me you've always done…from the time I was like Jack to this very minute…you are there for me. YOU are my mother, and sadly, I don't have a father anymore." With one more deep breath, I give my Ma a real smile through my tears, "and you know what, it is his loss."

Jackson begins to fuss with all the commotion and tension around him. I pick him up, "Hey, baby. I'm sorry, sweetie; I know Mama was getting sorta loud. What does Mommy say about that? I can't help it I'm Italian. And you know, she's the smartest person in the world, so I really must not be able to control it!" Jackson settles at my voice and allows me to check his diaper, which thankfully is A-OK. I set him in his vibrating bouncer talking to him the whole time, "Ok, little man. You rest right here for a few more minutes while I talk to your Nonna." A kiss to his forehead and a quiet 'I love you', I turn back to Ma…and well, shit, she's crying again!

"Ma…what's wrong now?"

"You are a wonderful mother, Jane. I always knew you would be…I just never dreamed this is how you would do it."

"What do you mean, ma? That I wouldn't be adopting my biological brother? Or that I wouldn't be doing it within a lesbian marriage?" I don't say it with venom or even sarcasm…I think I just say it with exhaustion. I'm finding myself very tired right now.

"Jane…do you really believe I wouldn't support you in your sexual decisions? I have loved Maura since the moment I met you. She saved your life, Frankie's life…she saved you from self-destruction after Hoyt. She is the best thing that has ever happened to you, Jane. I'm just glad you finally realized it. When you were separated after the whole Paddy Doodle thing…"

"Doyle, Ma…" I correct with a chuckle.

"Doodle to me…damn, man…when you weren't speaking and Maura was gone, I worried for you. She grounds you, centers you. She makes you better and makes you stronger. I am thrilled to be gaining her as a daughter-in-law."

"Wow…I had no idea you felt like that, Ma. Why didn't you say something? You kept shoving men at me…hell, you shoved men at her!"

"You know I don't like to interfere in my kids' lives, so" she glares at me as I absolutely choke on her words, "shut it, Jane! I trusted that you both would figure things out in your own time. I just didn't see it happened like this."

"Ma, I'm not sorry. I absolutely would not change anything…well, except the hurt that this is causing you. I feel blessed to be given Jackson, and the chance to build a family of my own. I was stupid before. I thought I was wishy-washy about kids…I liked other people's ok, but I didn't seriously consider my own. I think, now, that I just wouldn't let myself think that way because of Maura. Ma, I really love her. I just didn't think she would ever love a plumber's kid, blue collar cop as more than a friend. I didn't even let myself think about it consciously. But you know what…I'd dream about it. I'd dream about her and a future. They were some of the only happy dreams I've had over the last few years. Then Jackson dropped from the sky. Ma, happy doesn't even begin to cover what I feel now. I'm a mother…I'm getting married to my best friend who is beautiful, brilliant, funny, talented, and who for some reason that I don't understand at all loves me back…"

"Because, quite simply, you are breathtakingly gorgeous, smart, witty, loyal, ethical, moral, strong, sensitive…shall I go on? Because I can, you know…but the fundamental reason I am marrying you is that you are the thing that I think about the instant I become aware of the morning and the last thing I think of as sleep takes me. You are the great love of my life, and without you I would be lost," Maura makes her speech from the nursery doorway. I never heard her come home and have no idea how long she has been listening to our conversation.

I hold out my hand to her in invitation, "Sweetheart…hey…I didn't hear you come home."

"I apologize for interrupting your conversation. I'll just get Jackson then I'll go to our room and leave you alone. Jane, I heard what you were saying, and I wanted to share with you and with you, Angela, what my heart says about you," she accepts my hand, reaches down to kiss me then moves toward the baby.

"Maura. Please sit," Angela addresses her. "I need to talk to both of you and this is as good a time as any."

"Ok, but I'm going to get Jackson. By this time of the day, I really feel the deep need to hold him." M unbuckles his seat to pick him up and of course, he smiles the biggest smile for her. "Hey, precious! How is my boy. Oh, I missed you today…so much."

After she sits snuggled with Jackson by my side, my Ma decides to speak. "Girls...First off, I love you both. I love who you are as women, and I love who you are together. You definitely have my blessing for your marriage. I also think you are the most amazing parents. Jackson Michael is a lucky little boy. I am sorry for the way this was all dumped in your laps, but I am a proud Nonna by the way you have handled it. I am sorry for my initial reaction to…everything. I am working through my guilt about Frank and all he has done," I try to interject but Ma shushes me, "Jane, no. I cannot help but feel some guilt. He was my husband. My partner for 35 years. When you two have been married for that long you will understand the connection, ok? The things you think you know about the person you love…the things that you should know…things that maybe I should have picked up on…things run over in my mind at night sometimes, ya' know? Was that one comment a clue? Did that decision or argument or comment turn him against me?...It is just hard to explain to anyone…But, I will get over all of this because Jackson is my grandson now. He will never be Frank's child…he is your son. I am his Nonna, and I couldn't love him more. I will support you with whatever you need…with the wedding, with the adoption…whatever. I can help you with all this legal stuff…I'll go see judges, I'll picket, or bake cookies to grease some palms, I'll call my congressman, or I'll…"

"Ma, I really don't think any of that will be necessary, but we really appreciate the thought. We will need babysitting and lots of cooking though…ya' know, Nonna stuff."

With a beaming smile that was the most like the Ma I've known my whole life than I've seen in a long time, she said, "Oh, Jane I can do that! In fact, you guys are still in work clothes. Let me take my grandson to the kitchen for his bottle while you get comfortable. Then I'll make some dinner while we discuss the wedding! Come here, baby," Ma takes Jackson from Maura and leaves the room.

I decide to let silence reign in the room while Jane collects herself. After a minute or two, I reach out to touch her hand. As I make contact, a sob breaks loose from her lips. Again, I opt for silence to allow her to speak in her time. I know Jane. She wants to talk but on her terms, and I want her to know I support her and value the way she processes things. I can be as patient as she needs me to be.

"Sorry, Maur. I guess that conversation just took a little more out of me than I thought….wow. I hurt for her, ya' know? She didn't do anything to deserve what Frank did. She didn't make him walk away or abandon her. I don't want her to think that…"

"Neither did you."

"What?"

"Neither did you, Jane. You didn't do anything to make your father…Frank leave. You and Tommy and Frankie didn't deserve his abandonment. Tommy wouldn't ever consider it, Frankie would not blame himself, but you would, Jane. You are the oldest, the leader…you take things on your own shoulders that you should not. You would die for your family, risk everything for them to be happy. I love that about you. But part of my job, as I understand marriage, is to stand behind you…to support you…to call you when you are doing too much. Well, I'm calling you out now. Jane, you didn't deserve this and you can't make it all better for everyone. I know you wish you could but that is beyond even your gifts, sweetheart. You have to come to terms with it yourself, find peace with it…that is how you can help your family."

With the tears continuing to fall, Jane simply leans into me as I am speaking. She is so quiet…until she clears her throat and quietly responds to my speech. "How did you know I thought about it?"

"I know you Jane."

"And yet you still are willing to marry me? You are not as smart as I thought, Doc." A small swat from me allows her to chuckle a little which is the emotional diversion with humor she was looking for. "I loved him. I looked up to him my whole life; hell, I thought he could do anything…except leave us. I never thougth he would do that. How do you live with someone for 35 years, raise three children together and just walk out? Who does that? Walk out on your spouse is horrible enough…but damn! How do you walk out on your children? Your blood? He stood there and asked for permission to pretend we didn't exist! To pretend that I didn't exist…God, he wanted me to disappear…" a sob unlike anything I've ever heard from Jane came out as the last word left her lips.

When dealing with Hoyt, Jane had cried. Jane had cried in fear and terror. She had cried in pain from injuries. I had seen Jane cry in mourning for victims she saw and the horrors of her job. But this? This was pure grief…grief at the loss of a parent…loss of a childhood that was now full of questions rather than good memories. I know she is strong enough to get the good things back one day but that day is not to be found at this time. This day is for grieving a loss of incredible proportions. So I just hold her and stroke her hair, and I tell her over and over again how much I love her.

When I pulled my shit together, Maura kissed me and held me a bit longer before sending me off to take a shower. She changed and then joined my Ma in the kitchen. I was so incredibly tired, but a shower and comfy sweats with a Red Sox shirt made me feel at least good enough to be social. As I entered the kitchen, I found Bass and Jo sleeping in the corner apparently bored to tears with the conversation going on between my Ma and Maura.

"Well, I think the gazebo should be covered in a nice drape with vines and fresh flowers, don't you? And we could set up a big tent, maybe? I don't know….oh, Janey! Maura and I were just going over wedding details! We have so much to do…I cannot wait for Constance to arrive."

"Yeah, Ma…Maura has done a bunch, and I have helped a lot…" both women turned their heads to me with sorta stunned looks. "What?! I have helped…I let Maura decide everything…I think that is the best kind of help I could possible add to this deal!"

"Ha, ha." Maura smirks as she approaches me with Jackson. She kisses me and then hands Jack off to me, "Go see Mama while I help your Nonna make dinner."

"Ok, little man…you and me…let's watch Sportscenter. That is our way of helping out with dinner. Just like my letting your Mommy decide all the wedding details is my way of helping with it!"

I hear my Ma grumbling apologies to Maura about my attitude…I'm pretty sure there were a couple of 'what am I gonna do with hers' thrown in there, too…yep, I'm going to be alright…and so is my Ma.

TBC...lots more to come...