AN: I just read on FB that Hostess is going out of business! The first thing I think? Poor Tallahassee! So it made me want to do this AU. Basically the zombie apocalypse never happens, though Columbus dreams about it, and he and Tallahassee, with Buck, meet in Wal-Mart, where Tallahassee finds out that his beloved Twinkies will stop being made. I kind of got carried away and did a few things with Columbus and Buck, too. If I do any more to this AU it will definitely be Col/Tal. (And the names are kept the same)
Reviews: Thanks to my two reviewers! (RavenCrow17, here's some more pre-Tallumbus kinda, haha)
Columbus chewed on the end of his hoodie string, halfheartedly going through some of the TV dinner selections that were available at his local Wal-Mart. He already had two packs of Code Red Mountain Dew in his cart along with some cheese, twizzlers, and tomato soup, and he was tired of pizza, pizza, and more pizza, but his heart wasn't really in it.
He had decided to take a nap seeing as it was Friday and he could wait a bit to do any homework, but sure enough he'd had a nightmare during it. Something about zombies over taking the world and somehow he managed to survive by having a list of rules, though he really doubted that would ever happen. If anything he'd probably just let the zombie bite him, if it asked nicely enough. But in his dream he'd met up with three others, some of the only survivors, and he almost wished he could have remembered more about them. Maybe it was his mind's way of telling him to go out and get some friends, even if he was loyal to those on his XBOX friends list.
For some reason the dream had stuck with him, the ending so horrible that his mind had already blocked it out. Even though he couldn't remember the end, though it was fairly easy to guess given that it had been a zombie dream, it stayed with him, leaving an unsettling feeling in his stomach. With a sigh he decided that he didn't want a TV dinner after all, and made his way out of the aisle, deciding that he would just get some bread and have a nice grilled cheese sandwich, and maybe some tomato soup to go with it. Something warm to get rid of the chill he was feeling.
"WHAT?"
The yell made Columbus jump, hoodie string popping out of his mouth. He nearly gave up shopping altogether when he realized the scream had come from the next aisle he was just about to enter, but he couldn't get his feet to stop in time to backtrack, entering the aisle and spotting the disturbance.
A Wal-Mart sales attendant was trying to calm down an irate costumer, and Columbus stared for a long moment without even noticing, absentmindedly placing the hoodie string back in his mouth to chew on it again. He was almost positive that he'd seen the guy before, but Columbus was also positive that he didn't make a habit to spend time around men who wore snake leather jackets, boots, cowboy hats, and looked ready to skin some poor Wal-Mart sales associate alive.
"You mean to tell me that there will be no more Twinkies?" Cowboy hat hissed, and even from the opposite end of the aisle Columbus could have sworn he saw fire in the man's eyes. "Ever?"
"I-I…" The sales associate stuttered for a moment, "Well, I'm sure that we have some more right now, sir, but the Hostess Company is going out of business, you see, and so yes, we will eventually be out of Twinkies, but I can check in the back if you want…"
"THEN GO CHECK! I WANT MY FUCKING TWINKIES!"
The sales associate scampered off immediately, nearly running, as Cowboy hat tried to calm himself down, growling and muttering under his breath. Columbus decided he'd been watching long enough, finally turning to decide what type of bread he wanted, and nearly getting the crap scared out of him by the little blonde boy who was standing right there, as if he'd been waiting for Columbus to look at him the whole time.
Now, Columbus had never really been around kids, but looking at the little blonde boy who stared up at him with wide, tear filled blue eyes, he decided that maybe his mother had been wrong when she said that they were only little heathens who couldn't even cleanup for themselves. He didn't know how to talk to a little kid, but he thought he remembered reading somewhere that getting down to their level was good. Or maybe that had been in the dog book he'd been reading. They were basically the same, weren't they?
Columbus bent down a little, "What's wrong?"
"I-I can't reach!" The blonde boy whimpered and pointed near the top shelf.
Columbus looked, and behind a few loaves of bread was a box of Twinkies. He frowned, moving and grabbing the box for the little kid. Some people could be really inconsiderate with not putting things back where they belonged, or hiding stuff if it was the last item and just leaving it there. It was one of his pet peeves about shopping, one of many. He turned around and offered it to the little blonde boy.
"DADDY!" The blonde boy called loudly, "He's got the last box of Twinkies!"
With growing horror, Columbus realized that he did in fact hold the last box of Twinkies, and that Twinkies was exactly what Cowboy hat had been looking for. He whirled around, watching as Cowboy hat immediately started stalking towards him, and Columbus half thought about running. One of his dream rules had been know your exits, and he thought he could apply that right now, but when he looked back the little blonde boy was still there and some lady with a cart was entering right beside him. Columbus didn't have the heart to run a little kid over, and the lady was blocking the rest of the way.
When Columbus turned back, Cowboy hat was almost right in his face.
"Are you buying those?" Cowboy hat growled.
"N-no!" Columbus hated the way he squeaked, but Jesus the older man was terrifying. "Your little boy found them and couldn't reach them, so I got them, and here, you can have them."
"Great, hand them over." Cowboy hat held out his hand in the universal gimme gesture.
At that moment two things happened. The sales associate that Cowboy hat had scared came back, standing at the end of the aisle and saying they were out of Twinkies. The next, and the most important thing, was the lady who had just come in the aisle moved to get a loaf of bread, accidentally bumping into Columbus just as the college student went to hand over the box of Twinkies. He accidentally lost his grip on the box, the Twinkies falling to the floor, and stumbled forward, Cowboy hat automatically adjusting to catch him as he fell into his chest.
A loud crunch and Columbus realized that today would be the day that he would most likely meet his untimely demise. His last step forward had landed on the box of Twinkies, and Cowboy hat looked down at his feet, the hands on Columbus' arms that had been used to steady him tightening. Columbus didn't dare look down, couldn't bear too really, and just lifted his foot.
"Oopsies!" The little blonde boy giggled from behind him, and Columbus decided that maybe he didn't like children that much after all.
"You have no idea how incredibly sorry I am," Columbus was slightly proud of himself for not whimpering as he bent to retrieve the now squashed box of Twinkies. He offered it to Cowboy hat just as the little blonde boy came up and attached himself to his leg, giggling more.
"Daddy, this is funny!"
"Yeah, Bucky…" Cowboy hat took the smashed box of Twinkies, voice light when talking to his son, but the look he was giving Columbus was anything but amused. "Reaaal funny."
Columbus had no idea what possessed him to speak, but before he could stop himself he blurted out: "I think I have a box of Twinkies back at my dorm. Either Twinkies or Sno Balls, I'm not sure which…"
As soon as he unlocked the door to his dorm, Columbus practically ran inside, leaving it open behind him so Cowboy hat and Buck could follow behind him. There was a rule against outsiders coming inside, but when they had walked in not even the security guard had given them a second look.
"I'll just go and find the box, yeah?" Columbus mumbled around the hoodie string he had taken to chewing on again, "Make yourself comfortable."
He didn't stay to see how Cowboy hat and Buck made themselves comfortable, heading for the pantry in his kitchen immediately. Columbus had absolutely no idea what he was doing. Inviting a strange older man to his house who seemed to have a serious Twinkie addiction and looked like he could just flick him and he'd snap in half? Sure, the guy had a son, but that didn't mean anything.
Columbus groaned to himself quietly, starting the search for the Twinkie box. Maybe it was because Cowboy hat, and he really had to remember to catch the guy's name, looked like one of the people from his dream earlier this afternoon. But this was still very out of character for him, and if he told his parents about it in his Sunday call then he'd definitely get reprimanded for it. It didn't even matter that his parents were all the way in Columbus, Ohio, while he was here in Texas. They'd still ground him, and he'd still listen.
Ten minutes later, most of the time spent berating himself internally over bringing Cowboy hat home, Columbus finally found the box of Twinkies, and nearly cried in relief. It was his fourth go over of the pantry; he nearly thought it was just Sno Balls in there regarding Hostess products. He stood from his bent position triumphantly, leaving the kitchen only to stop dead in his tracks.
Cowboy hat was asleep on the couch, spread out on it. Columbus had no idea how he didn't hear the snoring in the kitchen because the older man snored incredibly loudly, cowboy hat half way down on his face to block the light from the ceiling, and too big to actually fit on the couch so the bottom of his legs were hanging off the edge. Buck sat on the floor against the couch, playing with what Columbus assumed was Cowboy hat's phone. The little boy looked up with his big blue eyes as soon as Columbus moved closer.
Buck somehow just knew that Columbus wanted to wake his father up and send them both packing, Columbus knew it. There was no other reason for those eyes to become tear filled again, and for a bottom lip to stick out.
"Daddy's tired cuz he's been wowkin' all day at this const-ac-tion company." Buck whimpered, but Columus was determined, and- "I don't got no mommy so he's doin' it all by himself and is weally tired."
Fudge, Columbus mentally cussed. Buck was smart, too smart. How could he say no to a story like that, especially when the kid looked ready to cry? Columbus might have been anti-social but he wasn't a monster. He straightened up, putting the box of Twinkies on the coffee table with a small sigh.
"Guess it won't hurt to let him sleep, some…" Columbus said, and Buck beamed at him.
Columbus knew right then and there that he'd have to get these two out quick, because there was no way he could deny the little boy anything. And he got the feeling that he wouldn't be able to deny Cowboy hat anything, either, but for an entirely different reason.
"Want some grilled cheese and tomato soup?"
After their dinner, Columbus and Buck wandered back out to the living room area of the teen's dorm. Cowboy hat or Tallahassee as Buck had told him, and thank God he wasn't the only one with a city name as a name, was still sleeping like the dead, and snoring even louder. Tallahassee definitely wasn't showing any signs of waking up anytime soon, and Columbus just knew there was no way Buck would let him wake the older man up. It was a somewhat unanimous decision to make Tallahassee more comfortable, since Columbus wanted to be a good host, after all, and Buck had the puppy eyes down to an art.
Dimming the lights and putting a blanket on the older man was all Columbus could think to do, until Buck pointed to the cowboy boots. Columbus tried to slip one boot off gently, but that wasn't enough. He pulled a bit harder and a bit harder until he was finally tugging, bracing himself against the couch as he pulled.
"Pull, pull!" Buck encouraged, giggling and clapping his hands.
"How in the world does he get these things on?" Columbus muttered, pulling hard enough that the boot finally slipped off and he fell back with it.
Between him, Buck, and the way the boot just didn't want to come off, he was amazed that Tallahassee was still asleep. He examined the boot a bit closer and realized the stupid thing had a zipper, and he was barely able to stifle a groan. No wonder the thing wouldn't come off, and when he went for the second one, this time doing the zipper, it was a lot easier. He sighed in relief, up until he looked over at Buck and the little boy looked back with those big baby blues.
"I'm bored," Buck pouted.
Columbus was doomed.
"I want this one and that one!"
"I don't think Optimus Prime would like you pairing him with Megatron."
"But they both have to protect the city from Batman and Ironman!"
"They-" Columbus decided to just hand over Megatron instead of explaining that Batman and Ironman would never destroy a city, Optimus Prime and Megatron would never be rescuing a city together, and that those four would never, hopefully, cross comics. Buck grinned happily and went Godzilla style with all four of the action figures on the poor Lego city, even though Optimus Prime and Megatron were supposed to be protecting it, not destroying it.
"Again!" Buck demanded, turning in Columbus' lap to pout at him.
Columbus frowned, "We've watched this Barney clip ten times already, can't we move on to that nice looking Sesame Street clip?"
"No!"
It had obviously been a mistake to let Buck have that half a cup of Code Red Mountain Dew, but hindsight was 20/20, after all. And it probably didn't hope that Columbus was letting the little kid munch on twizzlers, slowly sucking the flavor out of one himself. He was hoping that the kid would come off his sugar high and just crash, but it didn't look like that would happen for at least another hour.
"Ohhh, ohhh!" Buck had turned back towards the screen, spotting another video he liked better. "Blues Clues, Blues Clues!"
Well, at least it wasn't Barney again.
Tallahassee sat up with a groan, twisting until his back gave a loud pop. He had no idea what time it was, but by the looks of the sun coming up from the lone window in the room it was probably morning. Which meant he'd fallen asleep at some skinny fuck's dorm room and left Buck on the kid's hands. Great, what kind of father was he?
He'd been in a bad mood last night, seeing as his construction job had just laid him off as they were shutting down, but offered to recommend him to another site, the assholes. Then he'd gotten to Buck's baby sitter late and she had chewed him out and made him pay extra. By the time he'd gotten to Wal-Mart with Buck in tow he'd been doing his best not to get annoyed at his little boy for babbling on a mile a minute about whatever he'd done that day. And then he'd found out that Hostess, the company that made his wonderful, beloved, Twinkies, was going out of business and that Wal-Mart didn't have anymore. Un-fucking-believable.
His night had taken an upturn when Buck had apparently spotted a hidden box, having some little scrawny ass kid get it for him before calling Tallahassee over, but then some bitch had run into the kid and not only had he dropped the box, but he stepped on it too. When the kid said something about having a box back at his place Tallahassee had almost said no, but Buck loved Twinkies just as much as he did, and there was no way he could say no to his son.
So he'd followed the little scrawny shit to his dorm and made himself comfortable when the tiny teen disappeared and… fell asleep. He groaned again, standing up and noticing a lone box of Twinkies on the coffee table. He had to grin at that, and then he was off to find his son. Well, it was barely find, considering all he had to do was walk around the couch to see where his son was.
There was Buck; fast asleep and drooling, face pressed against the chest of the scrawny fuck who'd brought them there. The college student had taken off the hoodie he'd been wearing at some point and it was wrapped around Buck, and the kid was asleep himself, head canted to the side in an awkward position and a twizzler hanging out of his mouth. They were sitting in a computer chair, in front of the student's computer, where Youtube was open and a Blues Clues video was on the screen.
Tallahassee grinned at the cute sight, deciding to go raid the scrawny fuck's kitchen to see if he could make them some breakfast. It was the least he could do, considering he'd just fell asleep and not only left Buck to the kid, but a Buck who needed dinner and then playtime to the kid. He grabbed a Twinkie on his way, though. The spongy deliciousness could be a pre-breakfast snack.