A.N: Post first date, Rachel has some deep thinking to do.
Don't wait for me.
I lost track of my life
While I was burning streaks in the sky,
Hoping someone would notice.
The fire has faded,
But the struggle still remains,
Wrenching a hole in my existence,
Beckoning me away from here;
Into the void I go.
Don't follow.
It would swallow you whole,
You innocent thing,
Dreaming of skyscrapers
And red velvet curtains.
Get lost in your urban wonderland;
It's a better place than any I can offer,
With my beat up jeans
And packet of cigarettes.
This is what Rachel read in the pages of her little pink journal, holding it in her lap as she sat propped up against her pillows. Following her date with Quinn, exhausted, she'd crawled up the stairs to her bedroom, the reprimanding of her dads following her up, admonishing her for coming home so late on a school night. She hadn't been bothered to argue with them; she was still riding on the high of the speeding motorcycle, and the soft, but lingering kiss that Quinn had gifted her as they parted, several houses down, so Rachel's dads wouldn't see them, could still be tasted on her lips.
She'd planned to go straight to bed, but as she dragged her feet into her room, she was gripped by a compulsion to look over the poems of Errant, as if to ease her guilt of not trying to work out who it was that day. So, there she was, having pulled the journal out from her bag, and flipped it open to the first pages. This poem was the first one she'd ever seen, written in chalk on the parking lot's floor. It was the only poem so far to have been written in an impermanent medium, and had long since been washed away by rain, and the footsteps of hundreds of students treading over it everyday. Recognising the transience of the material, Rachel had whipped out her journal, which she had planned on using for song writing, and copied the poem down; she'd done the same with any she came across ever since. It had almost become a reflexive habit.
She wasn't sure what exactly it was about her date with Quinn which made her want to read Errant's poetry; most likely the theme of darkness which was underlying in all the poems - it reminded Rachel of Quinn. This one in particular, with its reference to 'beat up jeans' and a 'packet of cigarettes' was very reminiscent of the girl, even though Quinn promised Rachel that she didn't smoke. However, Rachel knew that Quinn had; she'd seen her light up once or twice behind the bleachers, hiding from the hawklike eyes of the teaching staff. Maybe Quinn meant that she didn't do it anymore. Rachel hoped not; she didn't like the idea of kissing an ashtray. Come to think of it, Rachel realised, running her tongue over her lips lightly, there wasn't the slightest trace of tobacco in Quinn's kiss; a very faint metallic tang of alcohol, and something which was almost like pure sugar, yes, but no tobacco. This pleased Rachel more than she thought it would.
She snuggled closer into her pillows, rereading the words. There was something in it, a reluctance which Rachel found heartbreaking. Errant was trying to let someone go, because keeping them would be disastrous; Rachel imagined that it took a lot of strength of character to be able to do that. She knew she couldn't; all those times with Finn, even through his traipsing after Quinn, she had pursued, because she wasn't strong enough not to, because she was too selfish to be strong. She recognised this flaw in herself, even if she wouldn't admit it out loud.
And there she was; she got the boy, she got the fairytale romance and the Disney approved date. She got the security, she got the comfort; she got everything she dreamed of. So why was she going out on dates with Quinn? She loved Finn; that was undeniable - but it wasn't the type of love which made her heart hammer, or made her nervous - it was the type of love where she was happy to see him, content to be given his affection, if not his undivided attention. They were comfortable together, even if they had their fair share of awkward moments, in which Finn didn't pay attention to everything Rachel was saying, or when Rachel didn't understand a single word that Finn was saying, because he was talking about sports, in which she had no interest.
But Quinn…Quinn set Rachel's blood afire, made her stomach do acrobatics, forced her heart to race so hard that its owner feared it was going to stop out of exhaustion. Rachel wondered; was it normal to feel that way about a girl, but not about your boyfriend? Was it strange that she could say she loved her boyfriend, but experience all the clichés of love with someone else and not with him? She sighed, letting the air escape from her lungs in one long exhalation, wishing her confusion would leave her just as easily.
A knock rang out from her door, and it opened slightly to let a head in.
"Still awake? You know, honey, you should be sleeping, considering what time you got in," her dad Leroy, whom she called Papa, commented, but not with force.
"I know. I just, I had some thinking to do," Rachel said, smiling a little at the man, dressed still in an argyle sweater and loose fitting pants.
"What's bothering you? Remember you can always talk to Papa about anything," Leroy said, entering the room. He went to shut the blinds, but Rachel stopped him.
"Don't. I want to see the moon."
"Are you ok, baby girl? First getting home so late, and then wanting to leave the blinds open. You've never liked leaving the blinds open. You always thought, when you were little, that something scary would tap on the window in the night. Closing the blinds helped you sleep," the man smiled, coming to sit on Rachel's bed.
"I'm fine, Papa. But the moon's so beautiful tonight, I just wanted to see it," Rachel murmured, thinking of being on the back of Quinn's bike, with that same moon guarding them as they sped along the roads.
"Is it that Finn boy again?"
"What? No, Papa, he hasn't done anything."
"Mm ok, honey. But you know if he does, your daddy will kill him. I don't want to have to hold him back again, so if there is anything, it's best it stays between us," Leroy said, holding a finger to his lips.
"It's not good to keep secrets in a relationship, you know," Rachel teased.
"Yes, yes, you're full of relationship advice when it's not your relationship," Leroy teased back. Rachel smiled, but followed the smile with a sigh; he was right. Leroy saw the change in his daughter's demeanour, but held his tongue a second longer; he was the patient one of the relationship - Rachel learnt her impatience off his husband, Hiram. Leroy understood his daughter just like he understood his husband; she would talk when she was ready, and he could see her forming the sentences in her mind. Her eyes gave away a lot more than she thought they did. Or maybe he just knew her too well - he did raise her, after all.
"Papa," she began, slowly, as if trying to get her wording right, "how did you know, with Daddy?"
Leroy's brow furrowed into a slight frown. It wasn't like Rachel to ask questions like that. And she said it had nothing to do with Finn; was she lying to him? Concerned, he wanted to ask, but thought better of it. If he knew anything about his daughter, it was that she was independent; if she wanted help, she would ask for it, and if she needed help, but was too embarrassed, she would be more subtle, like now. So he simply answered, as best as he could.
"I just knew, baby girl. He came waltzing into class with his blue button up shirt and cute little glasses, and I couldn't keep my eyes off him. Over time we started talking, and I tried to act like it was nothing, like he was just another friend, but baby, the heart always knows what the head tries to ignore. It would always start to beat faster when he came into the room, then skip beats when he talked to me, or smiled at me. It's the most amazing feeling in the world when your heart develops that temporary arrhythmia because of someone, like your body knows something you haven't worked out in your head yet."
"Like real life foreshadowing?" Rachel asked, curious.
"A little bit like that. Eventually, I had to acknowledge that I was falling in love with him; some strange Jewish boy with glasses and a hurry to always be somewhere else. It was terrifying; I was truly in love with this boy. I thought I'd fallen in love with boys before, but I was wrong when I compared it to what I was feeling with him. He'd laugh, and I would want to kiss him. He'd look sad, and I'd want to kiss him better. He'd play with his pen, and I would want to hold his hand. He would scratch his head, and I would want to run my fingers through his hair. I would flirt a little, and he'd flirt a little back, and I would be driven crazy with not knowing whether he was just being friendly, or whether he was being decidedly more than friendly. When he kissed me one day, I had the worst butterflies in my stomach, like every one which had ever lived decided to come to life in there. After that, every time he grabbed my hand, I felt like I was on a plane of happiness above everyone else's. Of course, it wasn't till the sex that he actually blew my mind," Leroy said, chuckling as Rachel sputtered and made a face.
"Papa! Too much information! Way too much!"
"Well, baby girl, you had this dreamy look on your face. I had to make sure you were listening!"
"I was listening," Rachel said defensively and Leroy chuckled again.
"For the record, he'd thoroughly blown my mind before we even got close to sex."
"Ok, Papa, you're doing it again. No child wants to know about their parents' sex life. It's mentally scarring."
Leroy laughed yet again, and kissed his daughter on the forehead as she blushed. He loved making her embarrassed; it reminded him that despite her womanly looks and the fact she was almost legally an adult, she was still his baby girl. A silence settled between them, Rachel staring out the window at the moon, eyes fogged over, thinking of only she knew what, while Leroy stared at the floor, recalling those college days with Hiram and replaying the life they'd built together since then.
"Were you ever confused about him?" Rachel asked, breaking the silence after a few moments.
"All the time," Leroy answered, looking at her, "I didn't know if I was in love, or just infatuated, but looking back, I think deep down I always knew. Infatuation was when you couldn't get someone off your mind, and would always look for them and try be near them, whereas with love, you could be a hundred miles away, but as long as you knew they were safe somewhere, you were happy."
"Hmm," Rachel said, thinking. Leroy smiled at the girl, so obviously trying to work out the complex mess that was her heart.
"Honey, if Finn's the One, you'll know," he said, "personally, baby girl, and I know you don't like me talking like this, but personally, I don't think he's the one for you. I don't think any of the boys you've brought home have been the One. None of them made you smile the way your daddy makes me smile, and if they don't do that, then I know they're not for you. When you were with them, you never had that look on your face, like you're living in your own reality, which is brighter and happier than everyone else's. And you know something, honey? You deserve that. Everyone deserves that. Just don't be one of those people who settles before they can find it."
Rachel didn't respond, just continued staring out the window at the moon. Leroy was worried; Rachel wasn't the type to get moody and contemplative about her relationships. And she'd been in love with that Finn boy for so long, now, he almost wanted to believe that he was the One for Rachel. But he knew Finn wasn't. He hadn't changed Rachel for the better, he hadn't made her the happiest girl in the world - he'd broken her heart. Leroy just couldn't have that for his baby girl. He wanted to tell her that, to help her out of a relationship which wasn't right for her, but he couldn't; it was her lesson to learn, and the only way to learn it was the hard way, with all the heartbreak that it involved. Sensing that he wasn't needed anymore, he kissed her on her forehead again, warning her not to stay up too much longer, considering the time.
"Hey Papa," Rachel called as he opened the door, "for the record, that was the best bed time story ever."
"Goodnight baby girl," he grinned as he pulled the door closed behind him, leaving the girl to her silent contemplation.
Rachel sighed as her Papa left, leaving her with more to think about. As helpful as his answers had been, it didn't make things easier for her. So, those feelings she felt for Quinn sounded a lot like the ones her dads had for each other, but could she accept the reality of being with the girl? She wasn't sure. And, as much as it had always upset her when either of her fathers expressed an opinion about her boyfriends different from her own, she could see that this time, Leroy had a point; she could feel it. She growled in frustration to the empty room. Why did it have to be so hard to work out who you should be with?
There were only two choices, really: the boy she was comfortable with, or the girl who set her heart racing. Finn was wonderful; he was supportive when she needed him, and a great person to hug. She felt safe with him, like the whole world could be collapsing and he'd be there to hold her, protecting her with his sheer bulk. But Quinn was different. Quinn invited Rachel to the dark side of life, into the things she'd never thought she'd experience: biker bars and breaking into schools, lying on the grass with wine, or riding on the backs of motorcycles under the light of the moon. As much as she tried to stop it, every time she thought of Finn, her thoughts drifted, until they eventually settled on Quinn; it told her much more than she wanted to know.
Rachel wanted to be in love with Finn, and only Finn. She wasn't supposed to be in love with Quinn; she was supposed to be lusting after her - getting butterflies and a tingling in her veins just wasn't supposed to happen if you were lusting after someone, and it frustrated Rachel to no end that it was happening with Quinn. She tried to think of Finn, with his goofy smile and awkward movements, the way he smelled and the way he kissed. She desperately tried not to think of Quinn, with her pink hair and oozing confidence, tried not to remember having her arms around her, or the warmth of her body as they sat on the bike, or the taste of her lips, on the football field, in the janitor's closet, after their date. But the taste still lingered on Rachel's own lips, making it difficult for her to ignore. And even if it wasn't there, she was sure the memory of each of those kisses would flare brightly in her mind, overshadowing every single other ones of her thoughts.
She groaned and banged the back of her head lightly against the wall. She couldn't lie to herself, especially not after her conversation with Papa Leroy. She had to admit it. She took a breath, trying to calm her sudden nerves, steeling herself against the truth; she was in love with Quinn Fabray. How it happened, she had no idea; whether it had been all the little things over the years, from the conversations, the arguments, the painful truths, they way Quinn looked at her, even when she was telling her that there was no way she'd be joining Glee club again, the lie visible in her eyes, even as her manner tried to hide it while she held the cigarette which burned in her hand, unsmoked. Maybe the answer lay in how she cared about Quinn, why she had always gone after her when the other girl was hurt, trying to offer support even when it wasn't welcome. Rachel hugged the pink journal to her chest, the poem of Errant all but forgotten; why was love so confusing?
And Finn, well, Rachel loved Finn. But not the way she loved Quinn. If she stayed with Finn, she recognised that she would be settling; a not at all happy ending for a girl with Broadway dreams. She wanted that 'lived happily ever after' ending, and she wasn't going to get it with Finn, as much as she longed for it. Quinn made her think that it was achievable, if they could make their relationship work, and after one date, Rachel was fairly certain that it could work between them. The question was: would Quinn want a relationship? She hadn't sounded the most impressed when Rachel told her that she preferred them to date; a full relationship might be more than the pink haired girl was willing to handle. The thought sent Rachel into fits of anxiety; she couldn't have Quinn turn her back on her - it would kill her.
And with that single thought, the thought of having a life without Quinn Fabray, Rachel Berry knew; she couldn't do it. Applying the same thought to Finn, she realised that she could, that she had in fact, already tried to, last year, but she couldn't survive it with Quinn. She knew then, with more certainty that she had ever possessed before, that she was in love with Quinn Fabray. The epiphany struck Rachel with a force that settled her nerves, as though the thought, which had been flying around before, intangible and ghostlike, had suddenly become solid, something for her to grab onto when she was drowning; and drowning she was, in her confusion and fear about her feelings - love was the one thing she could count on, even if she wasn't sure about it being reciprocated.
Settled, her emotions somewhat sorted through and categorised, Rachel made herself ready for sleep, decided upon a course of action for tomorrow. The last thought which drifted through her hazed mind was the vague notion that if everything failed, then at least in a year's time, she would be in New York, away from it all - if living a life without Quinn hadn't shattered her first.
A/N: so, Rachel is beginning to realise exactly how she feels. Is she going to come out with it and be honest with everyone? or keep it to herself?
I haven't edited this one, so please forgive me if there are any errors.