What's Done In The Dark: The King's Concubine

Dear Diary 14

He locked me up.

After we returned from Hotaru's family house, he did not allow me outside of the room for many days. I was fine with it really, besides...where else could I go? And since the whole kingdom now knew of the affair, I was afraid of having fingers pointed at me. So quietly, I stayed in the room and worked myself into a state of coldness that it surprised him three days later when even his gentle or painful of touches did not excite any action from me. My body craved for him yes, but my heart was too tired to keep up with the demands of the body. So instead, I let him have me whenever he wanted and restrained my actions to as much of inactivity as I could. There was no longer any smile on my face, any hope to light up my darkness; it was just the same routine only in a different day.

But inside I felt my soul draw into death and it began to show as my skin took on a pale complexion and my flesh thinned on my bones. I was barely eating but that wasn't because I didn't want to, it was more that everything I ate couldn't stay in my stomach. Lita thought I might be pregnant so Darien had a healer come and check but there was no sign of pregnancy. I was dying from the inside out and no medicine could cure it. Breathing became my next issue, air didn't seem to want to cross my lungs into my heart and so most often I kept chocking on the air I breathed.

The room began to feel like a prison.

I was unhappy and so was Lita. She was worrying her fragile heart out. She decided to feed me soup instead of heavy food but how long can one drink soup until they can swallow no longer?

And so for many endless days, I painfully awaited the death that would set me free from everything. But death is a cruel thing. It comes at its own thing and not at someone's demands, well the normal death without suicidal prompts anyway. I think Lita suspected this so she kept all sharp objects away from me and made sure to be present when I showered so I wouldn't try anything funny. My throat soon began to feel as if it was filled with sand, nothing, not even water could get pass it easily. Worried, Darien had doctors often checked in on me and all they could say was to open the window so I could get fresh air. I half suspected that Darien made sure they wouldn't mention anything about me going out of the room, whatever the case was, I was far too fragile and weak to even consider dealing with the outside world.

In the middle of the second week I believe, it was early morning when Darien walked into the room holding something. He sat by me and even though my eyes were wide open, I pretended I didn't see him. Gently he brushed his fingers across y cheeks, over my nose and lips to my chin. Then he sighed miserably.

"Serena, why are you doing this to me?" I would have loved to answer with "Because you are a monster!" But my lips could not move. Still I avoided his gaze and turned my back on him.

"All I wanted was for you to love me, is that too much to ask for? Were you not the one who said you loved me? Was that a lie? Pity?!" His voice grew angry as he said that and I closed my eyes, expecting him to strike me but he didn't and after a minute I opened my eyes again and tears fell silently down my cheeks. He sighed again and stood up. He leaned over me and picked me up, automatically I stiffened against him but still he gently cradled me on his lap and pressed my cheeks gently against his chest. Under different circumstances, I would have loved the position, I would have loved his gentleness and kindness but then it all felt like a trap. I sat motionless against him and for a few minute we sat in silence and he rubbed my back though I think that was an unconscious act.

"Lita has the horses harnessed, would you like to take a carriage ride with her?" He asked and I was certain he felt my shock through my body. MY head automatically tilted to his and I searched his eyes for any sick joke he might be playing but he just looked down at me serious before a sort of sad, quiet smile tilted his lips.

"I'm not playing any joke on you. Would you like to go out for the day?" Still I searched until I was assured that he wasn't messing around and slowly I nodded my head. He sighed again though it was a strange sigh. Like the sigh one would exhale when one has come to a miserable conclusion. I raised my brow at it but he had turned his head upwards and thus did not see my curious stare.

"Malcolm will come with you just to keep you safe. He will keep a distance back to give you some privacy and I brought a cloak for you so you can disguise yourself if you wish to." He said and lifted me up again and gently set me on the bed.

"I'll get Lita to help you put it on. Have fun at your outing and know that everything will be over soon." The way he said the last part of the sentence felt so…wrong. What was going to be over? Had Hotaru finally lost the battle? Would she be removed from the throne and thus Darien could marry me legally? I didn't know nor did I care to.

As he had said, he sent Lita in and after about 10 minutes, I was ready to step out of my room for the first time in days. Walking on my own two feet was a bit of trouble for me but Lita let me use her as a pillar and together we left the room with Malcolm silently trailing us several feet back. I stared as if I was seeing the outside world for the very first time in my life when we emerged from the dark hallways of the castle; it really was early morning with the last of the darkness lifting. Birds flew in all direction, chirping their harmonious songs, the air was crisp but not too cold and my nose welcomed the smell of earth and trees and open air as opposed to that stuffy air in my room. My eyes watered, I had never been as glad for the world under the sky as I was at that moment. I let the tears dropped freely and Lita just wounded her hand around my shoulders silently. I did not need to say anything, she already knew.

After enjoying the refreshing sight, feel and taste, we continued on to the carriage which awaited us. Malcolm helped me inside and Lita came in after me as he took the rein of the carriage. It was a silent ride, People were now starting to come out of their houses and although there weren't many of them, their curious stare at the carriage was uncomfortable.

"Lita, can we go somewhere more…Private?" I asked hoarsely.

"Sure but where?" I was about to say a park or an open area covered in green grass but I changed my mind as an image of our last outing before my escapade flashed across my mind.

"Let's go to the commoners' side of the town." I said and she nodded. She knocked on the little glass window that viewed the driver's seat. It opened a minute later and Malcolm face peered at us.

"Yes?" he asked.

"Go to the west side." Lita said and he nodded. I had noticed that after Darien returned me back to the palace, Malcolm had kept a certain distance away from me. I suppose I couldn't blame him for it but I wondered if my running away had caused him some trouble to cause the sudden distance.

The truth was, I had avoided asking Lita anything at all about what had happened when I escaped, I didn't really want to know. For whatever had happened had not kept Darien from finding me so what did it matter? Yet deep down, I knew there was another reason why I didn't want to know but it was not a subject I cared to explore. The less one knows the better.

We arrived a few minutes later and I had Malcolm pause at the entrance. It would do no good to ride a fancy carriage into the poorest part of kingdom, that would attract more attention than I wanted.

We stepped down from the carriage though we wondered how we were going to hide it.

"Serena, can you walk around on your own?" Lita asked. I turned to her in surprise and Malcolm opened his mouth to protest but Lita held her hand out for silence.

"Yes." I unanswered uncertainly.

"Ok, why don't you enjoy this walk by yourself and I will go get us some breakfast. Malcolm can drive me back and we will come get you a bit later ok?" she said and I nodded, still not understanding what she was up to. She was going to leave me by myself? Did she not fear that I might run away again?

"I do not approve of this Lita." Malcolm said through clench teeth.

"You do not have to agree, the king told you I was in charge didn't he and that you are to obey my every wish did he not?" Lita said stiffly and Malcolm looked away. I blinked; Darien had put Malcolm under Lita? Why?

"Well then, enjoy your outing. I will come get you soon." She said with a smile and I watched as the she turned around to walk back to the carriage and Malcolm reluctantly followed her, casting back dubious looks behind. I stood and watched until the carriage had disappeared from view before turning back the dead neighborhood. I was nearest the broken part of the commoners' community where all the buildings had fallen and blackened houses were abandoned. I began walking. I had no destination, I just kept on walking.

There were people out and about their business as early as the morning was. I avoided direct routes and walked behind houses. Behind one house was a tree, the only big living tree of the whole wet. Looking up I saw it was a mango tree and under it were dried dirt with scattered artistic drawings and drawings of something that looked like a board game. There were few chairs and table scattered around and I realized it must be a popular resting area for the commoners. The tree trunk was big, the biggest tree trunk I had ever seen. I sat at the left side of the trunk and leaned my back against it. Almost immediately sleep claimed me.

My eyes snapped open when childish giggling disturbed my ears. The sun had long risen but under the canopy of the tree, It was hard to feel the sun's warmth though it was not cold. About a foot away stood three girls and their expressions of surprise and shame at being caught made me giggle. They visibly relaxed and looked bashful.

"We don mean to ake' u up." The girl in the middle said and I blinked. Her words did not flow like normal, it was as if some letters were missing and they had the funniest ascent. So this was how the commoners spoke but well that couldn't be true. I am not exactly a commoner, my parents had been nobles. The unfortunate circumstances of their deaths had made me a commoner and there were plenty of commoners at Titans and they didn't speak like that. It was a mystery, a fascinating mystery.

"It's alright." I said and the stared at me with big eyes.

"Ur're one of them nobles aint ya?" the girl on the right side of the middle asked with suspicion. I realized then that they didn't need to see my pale skin, the silky skirt I wore under the black servant cloak and my golden hair that shone healthy and full for them to know that I was not one of them. My very voice and the delivery of my words betrayed my background.

"I'm from Titans." I said instead and hey blinked.

"Titan?" the same girl who had asked if I was a noble said with puzzlement.

"Aint that the little bitty town on dhe forest coast?" the last of the tree children asked.

"Yes." I said.

"Papa trade ere. He say it a mighty good town." She replied again.

"It is a beautiful place." I agreed.

"So wach u doing ere?" The middle child asked, still sounding suspicious.

"My Sister works at the palace and she fell ill so I came to see her." Why was I lying? I didn't know, but for some reason I wanted these kids to...accept me…to approve of me. Pathetic, yes but true.

"Ahh…ma sistcha works ere too. Che com ith cookies and cakes!" The third child said happily. "Last tchime che brought candies!"

"Wach ur sistcha do?" The suspicion seemed to have cleared way as the middle child asked.

"She is a kitchen helper."

"Ohhhhhhhhhhh." They all said as if I had said some fancy title. They were interesting.

"Wach ur name?" I opened my mouth to tell them my name but I stopped. The public now knew my name and face; I could not tell them my real name.

"Rini, my name is Rini." I said and stored the name in my head so I would not forget.

"Pweety name. Ma name is Wendy." The middle child said.

"And am Eli." The second said.

"Am Sally." And the last child finished.

"Nice to meet you all Wendy, Eli and Sally." I said.

"No no no. It's not Wendy, its Wendy!" Even though Wendy is a name pronounced like Windy, she pronounced it as Wen…when… without the H.

"And it's not Eli..its Eli." And the seond child pronounced her name as illi instead of Eli as in Elizabeth.

"Alright Wendy and Illi. Sally, did I say yours right?" the child in question bobbed her head up and down in agreement.

"I lik Rini." Sally said but she pronounced the Rini as INi. I was fine with it.

"U wanch cho play ith uz?" Eli asked.

"Sure but you will have to teach me what you are playing."

"Il tcheche you!" Wendy said and I roused up to follow them. We went to the design on the floor that looked like a game board.

"U tos dis cho wat umber ur on and if ich hicts in dhe quare, you hop hop to dhe en and bak bucht u must pik ich up on ur way bak. Lik dis." She said and I watched her.

The game was simple really. The design on the floor started with three vertical columns of squares. The forth square was much longer; a rectangle instead which was divided in the middle to make two squares that aligned in the middle of the three vertical squares. The sixth square was just one square same size as the three vertical ones and aligned to it as well and the seventh and eighth squares was just like the fourth and fifth square. The squares were big enough to maneuver throw but not big enough to make mistakes.

The game could be played by any number of people but ultimately there would be first place all the way to the looser. There was a flat ball and everyone would start of at the first square which was level one. You through the ball to whatever level you are at. In other to show them that I understood, I took the ball that she handed me and threw it lightly so it landed in the first square. Now I was to hop or jump over it to the second square. If I missed and landed in the first square or outside the square or into another square beyond the next one after where the ball landed, I would have to withdraw and let others go until it was my turn again. But the catch was, you had to land with only on foot and the other foot must always be raised.

I Jumped and landed in the second square, hoped into the third and landed in the fourth and fifth with one leg in each square (Only one leg per square). Then I hop to the sixth square with one leg (must always be the same leg you started with). And landed in the seventh and eighth square as I did the fourth and fifth. At that level there is no more squares so you had to jump and turn around all in one motion and land in that same square then hop your way back the same way home. But when you get to the square before the one you threw your ball in, you had to bend down and pick up the ball with one leg still raised and with only one hand. If you hand touch the drawn line or you fell, you lose. But if you manage to grab it, you straighten back up on your foot and jump over that square to the next one or to home. Since I was only on level one, once I managed to grab the ball on wobbly legs, (despite how easy it sounded and looked, the game was actually hard.) I jumped home. If I had been on level two, I would have had to grab the ball from level three and jump to level one before jumping home. Home was a semi circle connecting one end of the square to the other and that's where you stood to throw the ball.

Landed safely home, the little girls cheered for me and we began playing the game seriously. Three times in a row I lost! I was baffled and my jaw just kept on dropping as these little girls demonstrated just how agile they were, twisting in all sorts of position to grab the balls. But despite my loss, I had amazing fun. It was one laughter after the other, so caught up in the game I hadn't noticed that the hood on my cloak had fallen and that we had gathered audience who were staring with open mouth. When Eli landed home after the third game as the third winner, I threw my hands up in the air.

"I give up! You guys are just too good!" I melodramatically wailed as I dropped myself to the floor. The three girls fell around me laughing hysterically and along with them I laughed. It was the chuckling and giggling that was not mine or the little girls that finally drew my attention to the audience that had gathered and were laughing at my expense. As soon as I saw them, I blushed crimson and their chuckles and giggles turned full range laughter.

After that we played with all the children and I talked with everyone. There was a bit of tension at first but it all dissolved in laughter, food and the countless games they taught me which I must confessed I forgot most of it. I was surprised they did not question me about who I was and my whereabouts though they seemed fascinated with my hair and pale skin.

It was late evening when Lita came to pick me up. I was most unhappy to leave and I guess I wasn't the only one who felt that way cause many of the kids began crying and the adults made me promise to come back and visit. Hoping that Darien would let me out tomorrow, I waved goodbye to my new friends and walked with Lita who had thoughtful kept the carriage nearly a mile away. I told her of what I had done the whole day in excited chipper voice, for the first time in almost two weeks I felt alive again. I was giddy with excitement and happiness, among my new friends I felt so free. I began to think if only Darien would let me go see them as often as I liked, I would be able to handle the burden on my shoulder and might even consider fighting through my situation.

But nothing was ever as it seemed and happiness never really lasted long does it? As soon as we arrived at the palace, I quickly rushed to Darien's room. That was how happy I was that I was willing to tell him of my adventure and of my resolve to stay and make the most of the circumstances if only he would let me go see them often. But he wasn't in his room and anyone I asked could not remember where he was. For a minute I was a bit disappointed but quickly perked up and went to my room to find him sitting on my window sill. The loneliness and the tears trailing down his face wiped away all my excitement and all I could do was stop and stare and ask, what happened to myself.

Slowly I made my way in his direction. He turned at the sound of my approaching footsteps and I stopped where I was. His eyes were red and puffy! How long had he been crying!? And Why?! I felt hot blazing anger coil around me like a tight rope. I would kill whomever was causing him pain!

"Darien?" I said softly and he seemed to come to his senses. He wiped his arm over his face and dried the tears then he roused up and walked toward me. at the last minute he went around me to the door and I turned to face him but he was walking on.

"On the bed all your things are packed, you are free to leave as you wish. I will make sure that your brother has the best education there is to have. I'm sorry for my selfish behavior. Live happy Serena, that is all I have ever wanted for you. Happy, loved and prosperous. I really did and will always love you but love is not something you can force on another. That was one thing I learned from you. Thank you for the time you spent with me, I'm sorry things couldn't work out. Wherever you want to go, just tell Lita and she will make sure you get there. You are forever free of me but if ever you need anything that I can help with, please don't hesitate to ask me. Goodbye Serena."

He walked out and I stood there stunned! I was free! Finally! My mind celebrated my triumph. Finally, after all this the nightmare was finally over. I no longer had a madman on my trail. I could go back to Titans! I could go back to Hotaru's family house and sing with Kakyuu to Kunzite's piano, cook with Nephrite, explore with Jadeite and study with Zoisite! I could go live among my new friends and never leave! I was free!

Free!

I laughed.

Something was breaking and the sound of it was painful to the ears.

I cried.

It took the breaking and shattering of my heart into billion pieces for me to realize that I had always been where I belonged and there was no life no longer worth living without Darien.

Darien.

He was my freedom.

My one and only love.

My Home.

My other self.

My soul mate.

Why do we only realize something is important when it's too late?

I was the selfish one. I was the fool. Oh Darien…I'm so sorry! On the floor I landed and cried tears of a river. Where could I possibly go now!?

Well....um...

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*please don't kill me!*