J.K Rowling owns the Harry Potter intellectual property, your DNA, and all derivatives thereof.

(Odd discovery of the day: Tom Felton ships Draco/Harry. Disturbing self-discovery of the day: I am enough of a geek to know what every word of that means.)

CHAPTER SEVEN

The great fireplace blazed with green fire. While I looked away the Headmistress leaned close to me and whispered ''Don't mention the Hat.''

When the noise and light faded I turned back to the fireplace. A strong-jawed woman strode out of the fire, waving what looked suspiciously like a flip camera. A few emerald flames still flickered on her green travelling cloak. Rita Skeeter and the Headmistress exchanged greetings and hugs, Skeeter's brilliant red nails standing out like a flare against Grimward's light blouse. They broke the hug and Skeeter turned her attention on me.

She swung the flip camera my way. ''Professor Geoffrey Hunter, Hogwarts' controversial new Professor of Muggle Studies.'' The camera made a clicking noise. She angled the camera down a bit. ''Cutting a refreshingly stylish figure in the staid atmosphere at Hogwarts.''

Damn it, I'd picked these clothes to try and blend in. Oh well.

''It's a pleasure to meet the author of Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know. I've found your work very useful.''

Rita shook her camera twice and left it hanging in the air, snapping pictures as she stepped forward to shake my hand. Not a standard flip camera then. ''Wonderful. And what did you think of Rise and Fall?''

The Rise and Fall of Tom Marvolo Riddle, the standard text on the Wizarding Wars. ''I disagree that Tom Riddle ever had a political agenda. To him, it was always about him. But the chronology and maps are helpful.''

Rita smiled, revealing inhumanly perfect straight white teeth. ''How flattering. Did you learn how to speak to the press during your military career, professor?''

That was a friendly warning shot. In all the Wizarding World, I'd only told the goblins about my army background. Their services department needed to know my full legal obligations to the government of Canada.

''I never dealt with the press. I spent four years living in prefab huts on melting permafrost, running spreadsheets. My so-called 'career' paid for college, but I didn't make it past Lieutenant.'' The military and I had both gotten what we needed from one another, but neither of us had been heartbroken to see the relationship end. They'd lost a blandly competent Logistics officer, I'd escaped a job I hated.

''No excitement, no danger or adventure?''

''I saw a Master Corporal get crushed to death by a pallet of lumber. Construction accident. Does that count?''

Rita gave me a wry look. ''Work with me, Professor Hunter. I need something romantic to sell you to my audience.''

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Excerpt from the special edition of the Daily Star, 30 August 2017.

''It's a bit like being in hiding,'' says the new Professor of Muggle Studies, in his flat American accent. ''You have to go out sometimes, so you try to dress inconspicuously. But you're never sure if you've done it right, and you always worry that people are staring at you.''

Professor Doctor Geoffrey Puttock Hunter obviously isn't hiding from the press, we're sitting right next to him. And the outspoken historian is no stranger to controversy. He may be the only person willing to discuss the Wizarding Wars over pudding, and in the presence of so many veterans of those conflicts. We ask him what he feels he's hiding from.

He laughs briefly, and we're reminded of just how young he is for his position. At thirty-six he's the youngest professor at Hogwarts. ''From making a bad first impression, but I guess it's a little late for that. I'd hoped that I'd make my mark through teaching, not putting my foot in my mouth at a formal dinner.''

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''Did you really ask Jezebel Rosier about her family's role in the Wizarding Wars?''

''I suppose I was a little over-excited, just blurting it out over dessert. There's a saying that history is written by the winners, but that's not true. After the Slaveholders' Rebellion the Southern US states were very successful at twisting the story to their own ends. And the Irish lost a whole series of wars, rebellions, and insurrections, but their side of the story still shows up in textbooks. In our case here, the Pureblood families who supported Tom Riddle haven't conveniently vanished. The Rosiers supported Riddle in both of his uprisings against the Ministry, and I'd be fascinated to hear their perspective on events. But I probably should have just sent them a letter asking for an interview, like I did with the Ollivanders.''

''You do understand the Death Eater attitude towards Muggles, even ones with the Sight?''

''Oh yeah. But some of the best work on the War of 1812 was done by Native historians. And a lot of them still hate Major-General Procter for hanging Tecumseh out to dry... '' I was losing my audience. They had that same 'what are you talking about?' look I'd felt on my face over the past week. ''My point is, you don't have to agree with a movement to learn about it.''

A little bit of flattery never hurt. ''In fact, I was telling Professor Isgar earlier that one of the reasons I preferred your work over Life and Times is your clear agenda. Life and Times struggles to be bland, to present what the editors must have thought was a neutral voice. They lay out names and dates and places, but never really dig into motivations. A history presented without a clear perspective, a clear agenda, is a history that won't stand the test of time.''

''And what agenda do you see in my book?''

Rita Skeeter had a good twenty years on Galilea. If Galilea had been the first Pureblood to find Rita useful, to give her access to that world, then Rita must've had some long hungry years in her early career. That might explain the simultaneously fawning and vicious attitude in Mad, Bad, and Dangerous to Know towards the upper levels of the Wizarding community.

''Life and Times doesn't even try to explain why so many wizards and witches tolerated Riddle's obvious contempt for them, or why isolationist Purebloods would follow a man who wanted to destroy Seclusion by ruling Muggles. The only way to understand all that is to understand why they feared Albus Dumbledore, their fears that he was trying to take over Wizarding Britain - ''

''Headmaster of Hogwarts, Order of Merlin - First Class, Chief Warlock of the Wizengamot...'' Rita listed off Albus Dumbledore's titles. ''Can you blame them?''

One of the portraits spoke up, a thin old man with a broken nose over a huge white beard. ''You neglected Supreme Mugwump of the International Confederation of Wizards. I believe that one caused my opponents quite a bit of concern.''

Rita made a face like she'd just bitten into a lemon.

''Thank you, Professor Dumbledore.'' Even the aggressively neutral Life and Times had presented Albus Dumbledore as a very odd man. Obfuscating stupidity on his part, or had he really been that much of a cloudcuckoolander? ''Is that title related to the word 'Muggle'?''

''Sadly, yes. Fortunately the Muggle-whomping duties were entirely ceremonial by my tenure. But I do apologize for the interruption.''

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Excerpt from the special edition of the Daily Star, 30 August 2017.

For a man trying to blend in to a new society, Geoffrey Hunter has made some bold choices in fashion. He's dressed in clothes that wouldn't look out of place on a Quidditch captain, and his denim trousers fit very well. We're not surprised when he mentions that he enjoys dance. ''My parents put me in a class when I was seven. I think they just wanted me out of the house, but I've stayed with it off and on all my life.''

We ask about his other hobbies. ''I read a lot. It seems like that's the only thing I've been doing this past week, trying to catch up on Wizarding history. And I play T'ai Chi. That's a Muggle sport from China. You see old people doing it it parks, for fitness. My academic work doesn't give me much exercise, so T'ai Chi gives me a head start on being old and slow.''

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''You're obviously passionate about history, but you teach Muggle Studies. Have you met Professor Binns yet?''

''Cuthbert? Fascinating man.'' I said. Galilea made a very unladylike snorting noise. Rita stifled a laugh.

''No, really. I hear his lectures are a bit dry, but on the subject of the various goblin or giant uprisings he's clearly an expert in his field.'' In fact he was the biggest bore I'd ever met, and that's saying a lot given some of the old academics I'd worked with. And he was a raving bigot regarding any non-human Beings. ''Personally I feel his talents are wasted lecturing junior students. He'd be far better used teaching a series of upper-year courses regarding the rebellions and the military history of Wizarding Britain.''

Galilea and Rita both stared at me. They exchanged glances. Then Rita said ''Professor, to be perfectly clear, you're suggesting that Professor Binns would be more valuable in a senior position?'' She sounded downright eager.

Galilea sighed hugely, briefly distracting me. ''I ought to have thought of that ages ago. I've petitioned the Board three times now to remove Professor Binns' ghost. I could have promoted him away from the students at any time.''

Behind Galilea the portrait of Professor Snape cleared his throat for our attention. ''The Board will block you,'' he said. ''Albus tried it.''

We looked over to the portrait of Dumbledore. He nodded sadly. ''As did Armando. And before him, Newton.''

''This time, it won't be the Head Teacher promoting him.'' Rita smiled a thin tight smile. ''It'll be the Board, and they'll think it was all their idea. They'll read about the silly new Muggle professor in the Star, going on about how good old Cuthbert is wasted in his current role at Hogwarts - ''

''Good old Cuthbert is wasted in his current role at Hogwarts,'' I said. ''And would be more valuable in a senior position. You can quote me on that.''

Galilea sighed again, more happily this time. ''Geoffrey, if this works, regardless of how the rest of the year plays out you will have earned your keep at Hogwarts.''

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Following Rita's instructions I moved over to the book shelf. A rare edition hissed at me and tried to hide behind a boxed set of The Chronicles of Prydain.

''Put your foot up on that ottoman and lean forward a bit. Try to look relaxed.''

I considered my pose, and the angle the camera was taking pictures from. ''Are you sure that, ah, glamour shots are what we want for this article?''

''Oh no, Professor. Those aren't glamour shots.'' She grabbed the camera and dragged it down, leaving it snapping pictures less than a metre from my legs. ''These are the glamour shots. And would it kill you to smile?''

''I am smiling.''

Behind Rita, the Headmistress took her wand off the little loop on her belt.

''No,'' said Rita. ''You're grimacing. People smile with their eyes.''

The Headmistress opened her collar a bit, showing more green lace. She made her wand disappear.

''That... Is not a smile.'' Rita looked at me. She turned to the Headmistress, eyeing her suspiciously. She studied the Headmistress' green lace and innocent expression. Then she turned back to me. ''No, we can't use these shots. One look at that expression and everyone will pull their children from Hogwarts.''

The Headmistress smiled at me.

I would have sworn under oath that tease was trying to kill me via spontaneous human combustion.

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Excerpt from the special edition of the Daily Star, 30 August 2017.

''It's an incredible opportunity,'' he says. ''There's an entire world here to learn about. And I've never taught children before, so I'm really going to need to stretch my skills.''

Of course, in any given class he'll be the only person who can't cast spells. We ask him if he's worried about being jinxed by children. ''I'll have to rely on the kindness of strangers for that. Specifically, their parents. I'm sure that wizards and witches don't raise their children to run around Hexing defenceless Muggles.''

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Rita grabbed her camera from the air. ''I think we're nearly done here. This gives me enough to pull you out of that pit you've dug yourself into.''

''Thanks, Rita.'' Tone down the snark, Geoff. She really was doing you a favour here.

''Gally, on news on Professor Theobrosan?''

''Officially, no. Unofficially, when Charles chooses to announce his retirement the Star will be the first to know.''

A lightbulb went on in my head. If Professor Theobrosan was stepping down as Deputy Headmaster...

What had I seen? Idris attending professional events with the Headmistress. Idris attending private meetings with Galilea. Idris kept up late following a PR disaster involving a Hogwarts professor.

What am I? I'm an idiot.

''You're not dating Professor Isgar. You're promoting him.'' I really should have waited to say that.

The women fell silent. Galilea stared hard at me. She pulled her wand out and slapped it down on her desk.

''Geoffrey, did you not see Idris' ring?''

''What ring?''

Galilea frowned. Rita broke into a storm of laughter.

''Geoffrey Hunter you great bloody bampot!'' Galilea's usual upper class London tones vanished under a Hogsmeade accent. I didn't think that was a good sign.

''So he's married?''

''Yes! Happily! With three children! And did you think I'd be flirting with you if I were with another man?''

Only one possible answer to that. ''No. Absolutely not.''

Behind Galilea the portrait of Severus Snape opened his mouth, closed it quickly, and then turned on his heels and walked out of sight.

Galilea turned the full force of her frown on me. That woman has a glare like white-hot daggers. I stood my ground. Finally Galilea turned her scowl on Rita, who was dangerously close to laughing herself out of her chair.

''Rita, control yourself.'' She snapped.

Rita waved a hand in Galilea's general direction. She whooped with laughter, then fanned her face while struggling to catch her breath. She struggled upright in her chair. Finally she got her laughter under control. Wiping tears from her eyes she said, ''Oooh Gally! Brooding and self-absorbed. Just your type!''

''I am not brooding,'' I said. ''... Wait.''

That set Rita off again. Galilea growled under her breath.

''We will finish this conversation later, Geoffrey. Rita, all of this is off the record.''

''Oh noooo, no it's not.''

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Excerpt from the special edition of the Daily Star, 30 August 2017.

The new professor grins mischievously when asked his opinion of his new employer, Headmistress Galilea Grimward. ''My first impression was entirely favourable. She carries herself with a great deal of authority. It took me a few days to notice just how short she really is.''

The Headmistress' wardrobe has been the object of complaints from some parents (Rarely, we notice, from fathers). We ask Professor Hunter for his impression of her professional appearance. ''Honestly, I hadn't noticed her clothes at all. Perhaps Muggle fashions are very different from Wizarding styles?''

Or perhaps he's a very graceful liar.

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Galilea and Rita hugged briefly, a pleasantly squishy event to watch. Rita blew me a quick kiss and grabbed a handful of Floo Powder from the small urn by the fireplace. I turned away before she could toss the powder down.

''Ta, Gally, Geoffrey! And don't worry about the press, we're the least of your problems now!''