A/N: Hey, I survived camping and thunder storms and power cuts and have returned :D Thanks to you all for your kind reviews and well-wishes while I've been away. Stuck as I was in a tent while it was raining one day, I went old-fashioned and wrote a lot with pen and paper XD Lots of what I wrote are just bits and bobs that need to be finished, but here's my first holiday gift I brought back for you ;) In this oneshot, Ten and Rose talk about a conversation they had from before he regenerated. Thus, a special appearance by Nine in a flashback scene x
-x-
Confessions
Watching Rose start to fall asleep against his shoulder as he finishes the book he's been reading to her on the library sofa, the Doctor decides that enough is enough; tonight, he'll tell her.
He strokes her arm gently and after a few more minutes of quiet contemplation, he finally gathers his courage to say, "Do you remember that night, a few weeks before I changed, when we had that massive argument over nothing?"
She lifts her head and blinks at him sleepily. "We had lots of arguments over nothing. Which night in particular?"
He swallows nervously and meets her gaze. "The one when you wore that insanely inappropriate outfit."
She leans back against his shoulder, giggling. "Oh yeah, I remember. What about it?"
"I nearly told you something that night. I didn't, because I thought it was too soon. I thought it might scare you away," he confesses, his voice low.
She stiffens. "Too soon? What's that then? We'd been travelling together for a year. Why would anything you say suddenly scare me away?" She hears him swallow thickly again and feels like she has butterflies flying around her insides. "Doctor?" she prompts, sitting up to face him.
He turns so that he's looking straight into her eyes. "Tell me what you remember about that night. About what we talked about."
It's her turn to gulp audibly. "Why?"
"Just do it," he requests softly.
"But -"
"Rose."
She sighs. "Okay. Well..."
Flashback:
"It isn't about that!" he denies firmly.
"No?" she scoffs.
His eyes flash and his jaw clenches tightly. "No!"
"Then what is it about? I can't believe you! You go around, acting all high and mighty like the highest authority there is in the bloody universe - "
"I am the highest authority," he argues hotly.
"Not over me, you're not!" she shouts back. "What gives you the right to tell me what to do? You're not my dad, you're my friend!"
"You're on my ship! I'm the one ferrying you around everywhere and everywhen; you ought to follow my rules!"
"Well, I'm sorry for being such a bother, but you did invite me. And anyway, by now, I thought I was way more than just a guest," she spits out bitterly. She shrugs. "Guess I was wrong."
He glares at her fiercely. "You are more than just a guest. That's why I..." he trails off.
"That's why you what?" she repeats. "That's why you what, Doctor?"
"I just... I don't want you doing things like that. It's not fair."
"Not fair on who? And anyway, why do you even care?"
"Because I - " he cuts himself off and inhales sharply. "I just do."
She makes a noise of long-suffering frustration and storms towards him. "If you've got something else to say, then say it, Doctor," she demands.
He stares back at her unblinkingly. "Don't push me," he intones, his voice low and gravelly as he points an accusatory finger in her direction.
"Push you to what?" she retorts. "You have the patience of a saint. Nothing I ever say or do will ever break down your barriers, will it?"
His brow furrows at the resignation in her tone. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means you're a man who can't be pushed. Not by me, at least."
He tilts his head, looking at her in confusion. "I don't get what you're trying to say," he tells her honestly.
She opens her mouth to reply but thinks better of it, knowing her response will have consequences too great for her to handle. Instead, she says, "You'd never hurt me." She briefly wonders why she lets herself say it like she's setting him a challenge.
His eyes soften suddenly, but his voice is still gruff as he says, "Of course I wouldn't." His hand starts gravitating out towards hers. He almost takes it, but remembers just in time that he's supposed to be mad at her.
Except, he's only mad at her because of the way she makes him feel. And she doesn't even know that. She can't possibly know what's going through his mind, or why he's so angry with her.
And then he looks at her closely, really stares into her eyes, and he realises with a jolt of shock and anger at himself that she's got tears in them. "Rose," he rasps out.
"It's not you," she whispers quickly, realising he's realised she's upset. She looks away, blinking quickly.
His hand does reach for hers, then. He's unable to stop himself. "Rose, I'm sorry."
"I said, it's not you," she repeats. She meets his eyes again. "I'm not...I wasn't...you haven't upset me. I was just...just then, I was thinking about...about..." Her voice hitches and he squeezes her hand reassuringly.
"About what?" he panics. "What's happened?"
She sniffs, trying to stop herself from crying. "It was a long time ago."
He raises an eyebrow. "What was? You're only nineteen; it can't have been that long ago."
Her throat feels dry but she manages to carry on speaking. "I was sixteen when I dropped out of school, did I ever tell you that? I didn't get my A-levels." He nods briefly, and she continues, "It was stupid really, and Mum thought I should've stayed on for sixth form. But I just...there was this..." she trails off, sounding embarrassed.
"This what?" he prompts.
"Boy," she answers, sighing heavily. She expects some sort of sarcastic remark, but it doesn't come. He's still staring at her with the warmest gaze she's ever seen him have, urging her to open up to him. "He was an idiot, but I couldn't see that. He was in a band. He said he was gonna make it big. Get rich and famous and all that. Get me out of that estate and into some big place in America or whatever country he was dreaming of conquering the next week." She laughs self-depreciatingly. "And I believed him."
"You were very young," the Doctor murmurs. "It's understandable."
"Yeah, but I was so...I acted like I was so dependent on him. I left home and lived in a flat with him and it was...well, for about the first week I loved it, it was independent from Mum and new and exciting. Then the novelty wore off," she admits. She swallows thickly. "And he wasn't as great as I thought he was."
The Doctor's eyes flash darkly. "Did he hurt you?" he asks, his tone quite clear of what he's going to do to the boy if he finds him.
She shakes her head quickly. "No," she denies vehemently. "No."
He leans closer to her. "Are you sure?"
"Just, you know. Words. Nothing physical, not really."
"Not really?" he demands. "What's that mean?"
"Well, I s'pose what I mean is, he wasn't exactly..." she pauses, taking a steadying breath. She cringes at the fact she's telling the Doctor this even as she speaks, "Gentle."
His hearts freeze. "You mean, when...?"
"Yeah," she murmurs quietly. "I mean, I'm up for adventure as much as the next person, but when it's with someone you don't really want to be with, it kind of takes the fun out of it."
"What's his name?" he demands.
"It doesn't matter," she protests, trying to shake away her melancholy.
"It does to me."
"There's nothing you can do about it, so stop even thinking you can."
"There is something I can do about it," he counters harshly. He free hand clenches and she sees his intention written all over his face.
"Stop it," she whispers. "Don't reduce yourself to that."
He rolls his eyes. "Don't put me up on a pedestal, Rose Tyler. You know right well what I'm capable of."
"Yeah, but only when it's necessary!"
"He hurt you. That makes it necessary. What's his name?"
"Doctor, stop it, listen to yourself. It's in the past. I've half-forgotten it all. I only brought it up now because I thought..."
"What?"
She bites her lip and glances away shyly. "Thing is, with you, yeah, I give as good as I get. I'm always arguing right back, yeah? I stand up to you and it doesn't scare me."
"Yes," he answers.
"So I s'pose what I wanted to say was that, well, I've not always been this strong. I let him walk all over me."
"But you left him. That takes courage."
"S'pose. But then, see, Mickey was there, and he's so different. So completely different to Jimmy that I - " she pauses, well aware that she's accidently said his name aloud. The Doctor tilts his head, requesting for her to continue. She clears her throat. "That I became the strong one."
"Yeah, I kind of got that, from the way Ricky was clinging to your legs in fear that time."
"And you...well, you're..."
"Don't say I'm a mixture of both," he interrupts her urgently. "Don't you dare say that."
She frowns. "What -?"
"I'd never hurt you. Never. And I certainly wouldn't use you as a human shield or let you die for me. No. No way."
"I wasn't gonna say that," she tells him earnestly. "Not at all."
"Oh."
"I mean, yeah, you get angry at me, but I know you don't mean to. And I know you calm down soon enough anyway. Either that or go and have a good sulk."
"I do not sulk, Rose Tyler."
"Your anger is different, anyway. It's 'cos you're such a passionate person. I bet if you were - " she breaks off, blushing a delightful shade of pink.
His lips twitch slightly. "If I were what?"
She coughs, feeling awkward. "Nothing. Anyway - "
"No, go on," he interrupts, his smile growing. "Why are you blushing? What were you going to say?"
"Nothing," she states firmly.
"Tell me," he persists, tugging on her hand. It pulls her closer and she flushes even more.
She sighs and looks at the floor, mumbling in a rush, "Ibetifyouwereroughit'dbeinafunway."
His eyes widen. "Sorry, didn't quite catch that. Did you just say, if I was rough?"
She lets go of his hand to fold her arms defensively. "What? It's just an observation of character. Like I said, you're passionate, a bit possessive. You're all...Northern, and...Well, you'd be like something out of Lady Chatterley's Lover, that's what I reckon." She cleared her throat. "Not that I've been thinking about it in any great depth. Anyway!"
He doesn't quite know how to respond. His mouth seems to be opening and closing but no words are coming forth. Well, he can't exactly inform her of whether or not that is true, seeing as he has yet to experience such an event in this body. He wonders if she realises that technically he is a virgin. Well, hang on, no, of course she doesn't – she doesn't know he can regenerate, so she can't possibly think that. And after their conversation in the hospital basement that time, she wouldn't still think that he doesn't, ahem, dance.
He stands there staring at her, speechless, and lets her carry on.
"Anyway, what I was going to say," she continues, as if she hasn't just said all what she's said about his 'passionate nature.' "Is something quite sweet, actually."
He's recovered enough to raise a sceptical eyebrow.
"I feel safer with you than I have my whole life," she tells him sincerely. "Is that weird?"
There are a few silent moments while he gets his jaw back working, and then he answers, "Sort of, yeah. Considering the amount of danger you run into every month you're with me."
"Yeah, but you look out for me. You look out for me better than anyone."
"Nah, I think Jackie holds that title, and quite rightly so. That slap she gives is enough to frighten anyone off."
"You're right, actually. After I'd gone home, Jimmy came looking for me. Mum kneed him where it hurts and he finally backed off. See? You don't need to do anything, Mum already got there first," she giggles quietly. "So anyway, apart from Mum, you're up there as top Rose-protector, alright?"
He smiles. "Good."
"Therefore," she emphasises brightly. "You really don't have to worry about me going out dressed like this. Because you'll be there to step in if it is required. And Jack's asleep, so he's not even gonna be there, so you don't need to worry about him looking at me either. Alright? Yes? Good, good. Glad that's sorted. Let's go, then." She bounds towards the TARDIS doors like nothing's happened.
He gapes after her. How had she turned the conversation around, spinning it back to her earlier point, and played him like that? She's so mischievous, this cheeky little minx of his.
Ooh, he realises abruptly. Is that what she means by possessive?
"Come on then," she calls out to him. "Don't just stand there dribbling like a fool, come and take me dancing."
He scowls at her and gives chase, but it's more playful than menacing, and her giggles echo in the TARDIS long after they've left for some grotty thirty-fourth century club he's reluctantly let her talk him into taking her to.
Flashback ends.
"I still can't believe you actually came to a nightclub with me," she laughs quietly at the memory.
"Well I wasn't going to let you loose in that sort of environment in that sort of skirt without me on hand to 'step in if required,' as you artfully put it, was I?" he counters.
"Why did you want to talk about that night, now?"
"Two reasons, really," he ponders aloud. He tugs his ear nervously. "Firstly, what I wanted to say to you at the time but didn't...I need to tell you now. And secondly, what I want to ask you, which sort of relates back to that night."
"Well go on then. Say and ask away," she prompts, tucking a loose strand of her hair behind her ear and settling herself into the sofa comfortably for a revelation.
He takes in a deep breath. "Can I do the second thing first?"
She rolls her eyes. "If you like, just get on with it."
"Right. Right, yes. Um. Okay. This is going to sound very...spontaneous and probably slightly odd, but..."
"Doctor, spit it out."
"You said, back then, that you thought, because of your 'character observation,' that I'd be...you know..." he pauses, watching her eyes widen and cheeks tinge pink once more. "So, now, yeah? Now I've changed...what would you assume now?"
She is silent. He tilts his head forward. "Rose?"
She blinks. "Are you seriously asking me to answer that?"
His brow furrows. "Yes. Why not? You said it before. Indulge me."
She swallows hard. "Right. Well. You're...you're still passionate..."
"Yeah?"
"Yes," she asserts firmly. "And you're very hyperactive."
"Right."
"And you're a bit more..." she flounders.
"What?"
She glances away. "Romantic, I s'pose. I mean, that's how I imagine you'd be, if we were, you know. Together. I think you'd be quite romantic."
She chances a look back at him and is surprised as she notes that he looks quite pleased.
"And I think you'd be giggly."
"Giggly?" he exclaims, his pleased look dissolving.
"Yeah," she laughs. "More playful, definitely. You're really enthusiastic and curious and you like exploring unchartered territory even more, nowadays. Playful and adventurous, that's you."
"Really?"
"Yeah."
"Right." He wets his bottom lip thoughtfully. Rose notices.
"And you'd be super-talented with your tongue," she blurts out, before slapping her hand over her mouth.
His grin almost splits his face, it's so wide. "What did you just say?" he asks her, sounding delighted.
"Nothing!" Her face is bright red, now.
"You've been thinking about my tongue?"
"No!" she insists. "No, of course I haven't!"
"You've been thinking about my tongue in relation to dancing?"
"No! Stop it! I just...it slipped out, I didn't mean to say it! It came from nowhere, I swear. You were just...licking your lip and it came out of my mouth before I even realised the thought had formed, alright? I didn't mean it."
He leans closer. "I think you did mean it."
"I didn't," she shakes her head resolutely, but her insistence is weaker this time, because his mouth is about three inches closer than it was when she was denying it just now.
"Well, that's a shame, then," he teases. "'Cos if you don't mean it, then I suppose you'll never know, will you?"
Her eyes widen immeasurably. "What's that supposed to mean!"
He shrugs evasively. "Well, new, new body, this. Don't know anything about it, myself. Not in that way. Weeellll, I mean, not with another person...weelll, anyway, don't need to go there." He coughs awkwardly, immensely embarrassed about what he might have just said out loud. "I just thought you could help me discover...things."
"Really?" she squeaks.
"Mmhmm. I regret that I never found out, last time."
"You never..." she trails off.
"Well, let's face it, who would I have discovered...things...with last time, if not you?"
"I...I don't know, I just...wait, you wanted to 'discover things' with me, back then?"
He squints at her in confusion. "Okay, so I thought I was really embarrassingly obvious about that. Evidently not. That's...good."
"Good?"
"Yeah...I thought maybe you thought I was too..."
"Too what?"
"I dunno, but...well. I'd hate to think you thought I was, you know, leering at you or anything."
"Leering?" she repeats, her volume increasing. "You could've told me!"
"Told you what?"
"That you wanted that!"
"Well, I didn't think you'd want me to. Might make things awkward. Your friendship means everything to me, Rose; I didn't want to jeopardise that."
"But you're telling me now," she points out.
"Yeah, but I thought maybe this time around you'd be more inclined, because, you know, I'm more your type now."
"Are you kidding me?" she exclaims, grabbing him by the shoulders. "I was flipping dreaming about you being something out of a D.H. Lawrence novel, and you thought I didn't want you?"
"You said you hadn't been thinking in any great depth about it!"
"I was lying, you idiot!" she laughs loudly, shaking his shoulders. "I can't believe you thought that I was just making an objective observation!"
"Weeellll," he drawls, scratching his neck in embarrassment. "I've never been very good at reading women."
She rolls her eyes and pushes him backwards a bit so that she can climb onto his lap. "That more clear for you?" she asks innocently, straddling him whilst yanking him closer by his tie.
He stares at her. "Um. Yes?" he murmurs. His gaze drops to her lips.
"Are you seriously telling me that all this time we've been together without having sex has just been because of a mutual misunderstanding of each other's intentions?"
"Yeah...I suppose so," he answers, smiling up at her sheepishly.
"Okay," she exhales roughly. "This needs to be rectified pretty much instantly."
"I agree," he grins in relief. He finally lets his hands crawl up to her hips. "But first, I need to tell you that thing I've almost told you every day but have been too cowardly to actually do so."
She raises her eyebrows. "I thought that was it."
"What was?"
"That you want us to...dance. Together."
"Oh! Oh, no, no. No, I hadn't even really hoped for that to arise in this conversation. Weeelll, that's a lie, of course I hoped, I always hope. But I was actually going to simply tell you one very, very scary thing."
"Scary?" she frowns.
"Yep. Very, extremely scary."
"And what's that?"
"Rose Tyler," he breathes out reverently.
"Yeah?" she replies, her heart beating faster in anticipation.
He drops his voice to a whisper to tell her. "I love you."
She beams down at him, and her hands wander to run through his hair, ruffling it madly. She doesn't break her gaze from his. After a few moments of deliciously intense silence, she whispers back, "Love you too."
"Yeah?" he asks hopefully.
"Yes," she assures him warmly. "I loved you before too, Doctor."
And then she shows him just how much.