"Trouble in Paradise"

Chapter 5

Once Coulson finished his story extolling the virtues of Pepper Potts, he and Steve fell back into their awkward silence.

Steve cleared his throat. "Uh, well, I'm gonna go, I guess…maybe hit the beach."

"No! No, please stay, I…" Coulson trailed off and groaned, burying his face in his hands, "Jesus, I'm sorry."

"Sorry?"

"That I am so awkward. It's really unprofessional. I mean, you're jut getting used to this decade, and here I am, fawning over you, wasting your time, and probably making you completely uncomfortable. I am so sorry." Coulson sighed.

"What? No, I'm sorry–I…I didn't mean to be rude." Steve, who had stood up, quickly sat down, "I just–you seemed nervous. Please, don't apologize, you've been nothing but nice to me. I really appreciate it. Here, let me get you another drink."

Steve waved over a waiter and ordered a couple beers for Coulson and himself.

When the drinks came, the agent thanked the captain.

"No problem." Steve waved a dismissive hand, "Think of it as repaying you for the twenty drinks from yesterday. Alright?"

Coulson smiled, "Alright."

Steve raised his frosty glass, clinking it against Coulson's. Coulson frowned, "Look, I am really sorry for my awkwardness. I've just idolized you since I was…well, nearly five, and now to work with you and talk with you is just surreal."

"Really?" Steve laughed. "You don't need to be like that. I'm just a guy, you know?"

"But, you're not!" Coulson leaned forward, excitedly, "You're the super-soldier! Don't you see what that means? You are the leader, the one who had the heart good enough to resist the temptations of power, when you could have probably taken over the world. And, well–" he froze for a moment, "You're really the reason I joined S.H.I.E.L.D."

A blush crept over Steve's face. "I–I–well…Wow…uh, thanks, buddy, that's…" suddenly, a grin spread over Steve's face, "That's actually really nice to hear."

Coulson blushed in turn, "Well, it's true…I guess I've been wanting to tell you that for some time now…"

"Yeah, thanks. I'm the reason you joined S.H.I.E.L.D?" Steve couldn't stop smiling. He had always imagined having a son, and hopefully, guiding him and inspiring him to do great things, like Coulson was doing now. It made his heart glow that he could have that effect, even when he hadn't had children.

"Yes, you are. Well, you and my mother, I suppose. She was a soldier herself and talked about you a lot."

"Oh? Did I know her?"

Coulson shrugged, "I don't know. You were kind of a household name, so I'm not sure how much of what she said was personal knowledge and how much was press about you."

"Ha! I did get my name out a ton, didn't I?" Steve laughed and looked down before meeting Coulson's eye again, "What was your mom's name?"

"Her maiden name was Peggy Carter."

Steve knocked over his beer, sending the glass crashing to the floor.

"Didn't I tell you a day on the coast would be restful?"

Loki didn't answer.

"Loki? Was it not a lovely day?" Thor urged.

"The water was nice." Loki mumbled, a slight smile pulling at the corner of his mouth.

"A fine concession." Thor resisted the urge to roll his eyes. When they had been walking up to their room, Loki had maintained his silence, but it seemed less chilly than before.

Loki fell onto his bed and pulled a book, some guide to Midgardian cities Thor wanted him to read, from his bags, while Thor reorganized the things they had taken to the beach, shaking sand from their towels and folding them, as he had seen his mother do sometimes before.

Several minutes later, Loki looked at Thor over his book and furrowed his brow. "Should you not be spending this time with your friends?"

Thor shook his head. "I'll stay with you."

"You do not need to baby-sit me." Loki frowned.

The thunder god sighed, "I know that, but still I would rather stay with you."

For a moment, Loki looked back at his book, before setting it down, "Why?"

"Loki!"

"It is a valid question. You could either spend the day with your brothers in arms or the man who tried to conquer your beloved Midgard. It would seem that the choice would clearly be the former, and yet, you elect to sit in this room with me. Either you are completely mad or very stupid. I do not understand!"

"Since your fall, the only thing you have failed to understand is that you are my brother, that I love you, and that no matter your faults or mine, I may actually want to spend time with you!" Thor realized his voice had raised. He quickly calmed himself, "Loki, I have always enjoyed your company. That remains the same."

Thor could see a small crease of confusion between Loki's brows. "Have you?" The younger god murmured in some level of disbelief, "Why?" Thor tried to interrupt, but Loki continued, "Even when we did believe we were related, we had nothing in common. I was a recluse, remember? You and your friends would question why I would spend hours in the libraries, when I could climb mountains with you. We have never shared anything but a supposed bond of blood, which then turned out to be false. We have never understood each other."

"Which may have been my fault…" Thor grimaced, pressing his lips into a line, "I am sorry for the wrongs I have done you."

"What do you mean?"

"For each time I dragged you up a mountain, was another time I could have asked what books you were reading. If you felt alone or unwelcome, it was my fault."

"It was not entirely your fault…" Loki whispered, his face beginning to harden, "I always lived in your shadow, it's true, but if it were always to be so, why would your father tempt me, make me believe it possible to come into the light?"

"Loki–"

Loki barreled on. "If I am the monster we grew up fearing, why would he lie and say I could be more?"

"You are not a monster!"

"I am, though–"

"No!"

"Then why did he say so?"

Thor froze, "I–I…"

"I must be a monster." Loki's voice sounded very raw. "Allfather has never once defended the Jotunheim's actions. All the stories of their dealing with earth paint them in an even worse light. I am a monster, Thor, and it was cruel for Odin to make me believe I was different."

"He did not mean that…Whatever he did, whatever he said, he must have had a reason. He loves you, as I do, he would not try to hurt you so."

"He could have left me to die." Thor watched Loki as he spoke, trying very hard not to think about the tears shining in Loki's eyes, "Instead he took me from a world where I would not survive to another where I did not belong. I would not have thought him cruel had it not been that he taught me to dream."

Thor swallowed hard, as Loki quickly wiped his eyes, "Dreaming is not…it is not cruel to allow someone to dream…"

"It is, when the dreams can never be true." Loki turned to Thor, "In all my magic, I can create illusions. Images of beauty, and how hard have you taken it, when those images were used against you."

Thor did not answer.

"And, yet I did not dream until I knew it was impossible."

"I would kneel to you, Loki, as my king. You know that." Thor sat beside Loki, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Loki looked into Thor's eyes before returning to look at the ground. "Do not kneel. I do not wish to be king." Loki stood and walked to where his bag was to change his shirt.

Thor furrowed his brow, "You do not? Was that not your goal on Midgard?"

"Yes, I suppose. But, really, I think I just wanted what you had. The honor and the love of everyone around you…even before I discovered my life had been a lie, I never had that."

"Surely, you exaggerate." Thor shook his head vigorously, trying to think of everyone who must have cared for Loki.

"Do I?" Loki turned to him, "In all the hunts and battles where we have returned together, when has there been a celebration for me? Never. They have always been for you. I do not blame you, not anymore, for it was your birth, but it was a thorn in my side, each time I would see men and maidens alike worshipping your success, without sparing a glance for me."

"Loki, you misunderstand–"

"No, Thor, you do–"

"No! Those celebrations, they were not to celebrate my triumph, but ours together."

Shaking his head, Loki said, "You delude yourself. They were for the Son of Odin."

"They were for us, Loki, Sons of Odin, both. The cheers were just as much for you as they were for me. If you did not see that, it is because you were not looking."

"I was always looking!" Loki threw his hands up in frustration, "No one wanted to welcome me! They loved you and tolerated me because they loved you! That is not what I wanted."

"I–That's not…"

Loki took Thor's extended silence as a sign that he was right. He washed his face, which had become dirty from sweat and sand on the beach.

"Sigyn misses you…"

Loki froze, in the middle of putting his towel back. "Does she?"

"More than anyone, she wishes to see you. I still hear her lament that you two were never married."

"She never heard about my true birth, then."

Thor groaned, "She did! She did, and she does not care, just as I do not!"

"Then she is a fool, as you are." Loki spoke calmly, and the measured, closed tone of his voice angered Thor almost more than Loki's insulting words.

"LOKI! YOU ASK TO BE LOVED, BUT WHEN SOMEONE TRIES TO REACH OUT TO YOU, YOU CUT THEM OFF? WHY?"

"Because I was not made to be loved!"

Thor nearly choked on the bile rising in his throat at his brother's words.

"I am a creature made to be despised. Made to die alone in the ice, and in the rare case I actually live, I was intended to destroy." Loki paused, "Frost giants are meant for such a life, and therefore, I am as well."

"Loki," He nearly whimpered, "why are you so intent on being hated? It is true, that we Asgardians see the Jotunheim in a certain way, but that cannot be right. You are not the beast they are made out to be, so they cannot all be so. You can prove those ideas wrong, if only you tried! People can learn!"

"Your judgement is flawed. You cannot see that the nature of people is not to change their beliefs."

"And you are so caught up in feeling sorry for yourself that you, for all your genius, cannot see that there are those already willing to love you!"

Loki froze, and Thor pressed on, "Sigyn, Mother, I, and even our Father–yes, our Father," he repeated when Loki opened his mouth to protest, "all love you. Whatever wrongs you have done us or we have done you, we love you. Please, let us."

Loki trembled before collapsing against the wall. Thor ran to his brother, and placed a hand on his arm, "Are you alright, Loki?"

"Yes, I think so…brother."