Once again, thank you fookyeahskins, Aly, .you.4ever, Charming Angel from S, GilmoreRos, M, sexpistols, DNNHK, fakevegan, SevenDevilsInYourHead, dourememberthat, spikie142003 for your generous reviews. I don't think there's much progress in this one but I hope yall like it. A match is coming up because this fic is about basketball sooner or later. Cheers.

I tip my hat to Sylvia Plath and Richard Siken for this one.

Chapter Six – Crush

Emily

If neurotic is wanting two mutually exclusive things at one and the same time, then I'm neurotic as hell. I'll be flying back and forth between one mutually exclusive thing and another for the rest of my days.

If this statement is unequivocal, I am neurotic.

Because that's how I felt as I wrapped my arms around Naomi's waist as she successfully convinced me her bicycle was better than waiting for the bus; I wanted to be fetched home by her but at the same time I didn't. When she offered her jacket to shield me from the wind, I offered back to share it with her; I wanted to share it with her but I didn't want her to want to share it with me. When I covered her hand with mine and told her I believed she could do it, I so wanted to remove it, yet somehow my brain managed to fail to send the message across to my hand. I wanted to tell her that it was her that I liked but I didn't want to, I didn't and couldn't say it out loud because that would be the end of this friendship, if she felt something for me or didn't. Sometimes do you feel something for the other person, so strongly that you're sure she feels it too? It must be real, right?

That's enough evidence to say, I am neurotic.

And fucking hell, she thinks I like a guy. She thinks I like a guy with great eyes. Oh Emily explain yourself! She must think I'm strange. If I told Katie that I liked someone because of his eyes, she'd snort at me. I can totally imagine her doing that to me now because that isn't the way she describes those poster guys she's gushed over. I can hear her in my head now. "Oooh look at those muscles Emily, and those abs! And that tight underwear!" And so on.

For me, it's about the personality, the wit, the snarkiness, how they can make me laugh at nothing and everything, they way they feel passionate about something that they try not to show it but once you got interested, they can never stop talking about it. And then it's the eyes, when they stare into you, like they're looking into your soul and you try to hide it because you're scared they see something that you don't want them to see.

I swear they could make a two-hour movie with Naomi just staring into the camera and I'll pay to watch it. Twice.

Can I reiterate and elucidate? Her eyes; how much they captivate me. When she talks about basketball, they turn a brilliant hue of crystalline blue that shines so brightly that it's impossible for me not to get sucked in. Then there was another shade of blue, the one that got mixed with the dark skies, which turned her eyes slightly grey; or the other type that look so small and insecure when she doubted her abilities on the court. I wanted to get to know every shade of colour her eyes could display and the emotions they express when she plays and wins a game, or when she loses one, or how they look as she kisses and when she just got out of bed. I want to know everything about her.

I fear that this isn't a crush anymore. It's like, did you ever look at someone and everything about the person is just perfect to you even though you know nothing about him or her yet. That instant connection. I can't quite explain it; I wish I can put it all down in words but they're failing me now.

Spending all these time with Naomi is just solidifying how wonderful it is being with her. I become myself. She just gets me. She sees me for me, and not the other half of a matching pair. Everything flows with her, my words, our words, our touches, our actions, a common understanding.

"Emily." Someone is nudging me, "Emily."

"Yeah?" I turn my attention back to the lady behind me.

"You sure about this?"

"Absolutely." I look at her in the eyes through the mirror.

"Alright then!"

I close my eyes. I have to do this; I wanted to do this for quite a while. After what Naomi said that day about doing something wild, I've decided to go for it.

"What the fuck did you do to your hair?" Katie yelled at me as soon as I stepped into the house.

"Katie love, language!" My mom chided her. "Why did you dye your hair?" She turned to me with a huge disapproving frown across her features.

"I think it's lovely Emzy!" My dad smiled up at me from the paper he was reading.

"You think so dad?" I beamed at him and settled myself beside him on the couch in our living room, ignoring the deathly stares coming from the other two women.

He ruffled my hair affectionately, "Yeah it makes you look… much more brighter – happier – makes you stand out. I like it!"

"Thanks dad!" I gave him a tight squeeze which he returned with one of his Fitch hugs and kissed the top of my head. "Don't care what they say, I love it." He whispered in my ear.

I kissed his cheek, stood up and announced, "I'm going up to my room!" I skipped past my mom and Katie and went up the stairs two at a time. I was happy, must be something to do with the change of hair colour, also maybe partly my dad approved but more that I did something I really wanted to. I don't care if mom and Katie hate it. For fuck sake, it's just a change in hair colour. Do I really have to get their approval for everything that I want to do? It's not like I tattooed something on my face right? I don't know why they have to kick up such a fuss about it.

I flung open the door of my room, chucked my bag on the floor of my bed and headed straight to the dresser with a mirror. I stood in front of it and actually looked at my hair. I hadn't taken I close look right after I got it done at the hairdresser's. I threw open the curtains, letting the light stream in before returning to the dresser.

I brushed my newly coloured hair with my fingers, holding a lock of it in front of me. Red. I call this colour ruby red, not too dark nor too bright, just red enough for my liking. I think I'll coin it Emily-red. I likey. I wonder if Naomi would like it too.

But this isn't supposed to be about her. I did this for myself, because I'm bored with the plain Emily, the girl with the boring brown hair, shadow of Katie, unpopular girl in school. This was definitely going to stand out. It's not that I want the attention. You know sometimes you just want to do something different, something shocking, that you can't even believe that you had the guts to do it; but you do it anyway and you don't regret it because it makes you feel alive for the first time in a long while. I felt that I'd taken on a new persona, a new me, a different me; I feel like I can become just Emily, and not Emily the twin sister.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" Katie stormed into the room, "Why didn't you tell me before you did this?"

"Katie," I huffed as my eyes met hers in the mirror, "Do I seriously have to report to you before I do something?"

"You're my sister of course I will need to know if you do something major," she retorted.

I rolled my eyes, "Seriously? Changing my hair colour is major?" I turned around to face her, my hands on my hips.

"We wouldn't look identical anymore!" She blurted out.

I frowned. Was it important to her that we look identical? I thought it was pretty obvious to everyone that even though we were twins, we were very different from each other. Style wise is a good gauge, next would be the staggering difference in the amount of noise we could emit from our throat. No prizes for guessing who wins hands down.

"What? Are you afraid I'll outshine you with this hair?"

"That's – that's not what I mean." Katie spluttered.

I rolled my eyes again. I didn't give a fuck about upstaging her in school, barely anyone knew who I was anyway so why would they suddenly realise I exist because of my hair colour.

"Right." I gave her a pointed look, "You know, whatever. Sorry I didn't think about your feelings before dying my hair. You know what, you can dye yours red or blue or whatever, I'm not changing mine." I fixed my bestest glare at her. It's time this new Emily showed up, stood up for herself, made her own decisions, wrote her own rules.

"Ahhrrgghh!" Katie rumbled something abrasive from her throat and stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut.

Sighing in relief, I flopped myself backwards onto my bed and rested my head on my open palms, still with a silly grin on my face. Standing up for my rights felt good. I should do this more often.

"Sorry."

"You're what?"

"Geez, for fuck sake do you need me to repeat it? I'm SORRY." Katie emphasized, not without turning a delicate shade of red.

"What for?" I was confused; I stopped midway while changing to go school.

"For – for behaving like a bitch over your hair colour." She chewed over her words. Katie doesn't chew her words.

"Oh that." I nodded and shrugged on my top, "It's okay, no big deal." I didn't want to make it uncomfortable for Katie because I know my sister, she hardly apologises. This is hard for her. She must have meant it.

"It is." Katie continued not catching on that I'm trying to make it easy for her, "I guess I freaked out when you did it be – because I realised people are going to take notice of you and barely take a look at me – but I – I realise how fucking selfish I am. It's like – we couldn't look identical anymore and people are going to know. But I'm sorry, I shouldn't have – and really, that red looks good on you." She was nervous, probably shitting herself for being all confessional and shit.

I hugged her, because sometimes the only way to communicate your feelings is through a simple hug. "Apology accepted," I pulled back and looked into the similar pair of eyes looking all bashful and awkward. "You know, I wouldn't mind if you did turn your hair as red as mine, or blue, or even blonde." I smirked at her.

"Eck blonde?" Katie stuck out her tongue and gave a disgusted face, "No fucking way. I might look like that blonde lezza, or worse, get mistaken as her kind."

I resisted rolling my eyes and threw her a squinty frown look, "You really don't like Naomi, do you? Why? She's a really great person if you get to know her better."

"Well because – because she's – she's…"

"A lesbian? She likes girls?" I fumed. "God you're such a prude."

"It's not that!" She tried to defend herself but I glared at her, "Yes maybe a bit about that. Emzy I'm afraid she'll turn you into something like her."

"What the fuck? Do you think spending time with her will turn me gay?" I raised my voice indignantly. Somewhere in the back of my mind I did a double take. I didn't turn gay because I spent time with her and actually liked her quite a bit, more than I should and more than I thought I could. I'm not even gay; I just like Naomi, period. I don't fancy other girls like how I fancy Naomi, so how can that make me gay? How can spending time with her turn me gay? I had my doubts but I chucked it away because whatever Katie said was even more absurd than the theory that was in my head. "Look, I won't stop being friends with her. Okay? I don't care if you don't agree with this." My tone was final and Katie nodded albeit grudgingly.

We dressed in silence. It wasn't the cold war kind of silence but I had to get this across to her, that she cannot keep telling me what to do, who to make friends with or who to marry in the future. I don't control whom she picks for a boyfriend or whom she hangs out with. I care, but caring has it limitations. I love her, I really do, but she needs to let me live my life my way.

Katie was quite right, I got lots of looks and stares. Just by walking through the hallway, I got guys and girls turning their head to get a second look at me. Initially, I wasn't counting the number of people that took a second stare but I started counting and the numbers are increasing by the tens. I think it was also because Katie was walking beside me, and maybe, people suddenly realised there was two of us. You know how sometimes people can be that oblivious.

I didn't soak up the attention like a well-trained supermodel; in fact, I almost wished I didn't change my hair colour. I was so used to not being looked at, what more getting stared at? I experienced a variety of stares today, enough to write a full journal entry, should I even have one, documenting the various expressions.

Most of the guys I passed looked at me in surprise disbelief; a couple of them gave a wolf-whistle. I didn't dare to turn to see who did it nor dare to look at Katie's face. I heard a pile of books drop, but I'm not too sure if I was the cause of it. A guy walked into the pillar, but I don't think I was the cause of it too. The girls collectively gave mixed looks. Some of them gave me a pleasant smile, some couldn't stop staring, a few were checking me out, and I meant it in a way that they were sizing me up and making sure I wasn't a threat to them. I reckoned if Katie wasn't my sister, she'd be doing the same thing.

Then I saw Naomi. Technically, I saw Angela first who had her hand attached to Naomi's. They were walking towards my direction but on the other side of the hall. Of course I was looking out for Naomi, I always do, I admit. Passing bodies of students separated us, though enough to leave gaps for visual recognition. Angela spotted me first and actually tugged Naomi's hand to pull her in another direction. That bitch. But luckily Naomi gave a casual glance around and her eyes met mine. She stopped midstride, dead weight against the flow of bodies. At the corner of my eye, I saw her craning her neck for a better look. I think she's looking at me. I really, really hope she's trying to look at me! I turned my head back as we passed in opposite directions, there were too many students between us; everyone was in the hall heading towards class. I saw Naomi do the same though hers were quick backward glances as she tripped over her feet while Angela finally succeeded in eradicating her from the spot.

Inside me spread a small, warm and happy feeling. Did I really cause Naomi to take not one but five backward glances at me? She was looking at me! She was looking at me! I got to give all the credit to my hair. Excellent choice Emily.

"Seems like you've caught the lezza's eye." Katie suddenly spoke. Shit I kind of forgot Katie was walking beside me all the while.

"Yeah? Many people were looking at me too." I huffed.

"Right. Just be careful yeah, I don't like the way she was looking at you."

I rolled my eyes in reply. Naomi wasn't looking at me in any other way, there's no other way. She could be just shocked from my hair colour, like I would be if she suddenly changed her hair colour to black. Katie was always blowing things out of proportion.

I walked out of class after my last English period. I had a couple of concentration issues. Mainly whether I was going to see Naomi after class and what her reaction would be to my wildest action to date. I hadn't high hopes of meeting her; I didn't even know what class she had on now or what's her next class or where she would be at now if she didn't had class. I hate how little I knew about these unimportant things and how much I realised I wanted to know. We never exchanged details about our class timings. I guess we just weren't important enough in each other's lives to know such trivial details.

"You look hot in this new hair colour." Suddenly a low voice was just beside my left ear. I felt the tickle of breath and shuddered, maybe because of the breath, maybe because I just heard the voice of the girl I so wanted to meet. And just like that, my heart rate skyrocketed and all my concerns pertaining to what she would think about it evaporated, because Naomi just said she liked my hair.

I turned my head in the direction of her voice and came close to hitting her lips with my lips. I say 'hitting' because the intention of kissing wasn't even there. Her mouth was just too close and my reactions were much too fast. Our lips managed to somehow miss each other's by mere millimetres. That didn't stop me from taking in a sharp breath in shock.

"Oh sorry." Naomi drew back quickly; apparently realising she was just far too close. I looked at her; her cheeks had a very faint tinge of blush. She still looked pretty, with that messy ponytail and basketball singlet attire. Her eyes were very blue today. Only I would have noticed; I spent weeks learning the colours. You'd think the more you look at someone, you'd memorise her, the way she walks or talks or the way she curls her lips when she smiles and so on. The more I see her, the more I discover new expressions and actions; they fascinate me; she fascinates me, I don't think I can ever or want to memorise her.

I shook my head and dropped a shy smile, thinking about this wasted opportunity.

And that is the moment I reaslied that I now wanted to kiss Naomi. Probably I'd been denying myself, that I just wanted to be really good friends with her; to help her out with her math; to be her biggest fan on the court; and now I actually want to be all of that, and kiss her too. I wanted to kiss her against the wall; I wanted to wrap my fingers around her soft blonde hair and kiss her till we just forgot the world still exists around us; I wanted her to return the kiss like she meant it as I would.

I have more than a crush on her.

"Thank you." I managed to find my voice after that near lip miss. I could feel my face heating up. Why is my face heating up so easily? Sometimes I hate how my body reacts when Naomi's around me.

"Really suits you, you know." She reached out and tentatively touched the ends of my hair, slightly rubbing it through her fingers. Oh those lucky strands of hair, how I wished I were them.

"Yeah?"

She dropped the hair and quickly pulled back, as though she suddenly realised what she was doing, crossing the boundaries. "Hot is an understatement." She winked at me, "Why did you do it?"

"I wanted to do this for a long time – you know, but never really go around to do it. I think it's wild – something you would approve of I suppose, though not one of the options you listed." I threw her a grin and delighted when her face lit up, a sparkle in her eyes.

"Damn right I do!"

"Where's Angela?" I asked, suddenly quite aware of the absence of the joined-at-the-hip girlfriend.

Naomi looked wildly around her, "Oh I thought you meant – " She emitted a breath of relief and shrugged, "Ah she's got another class, somewhere."

As we passed through doors at the hallway, I chuckled, feeling relieved too. I don't know what is it about their relationship but I still don't understand why Naomi would fall for that sort of girl. Well who am I to judge? Me? The girl that never fell in love? I don't have a say.

"Where are you going now?" Naomi shyly asked me. She was looking at me sideways through the corners of her eyes, like she was afraid of asking such a question.

"Library – helping out today. You've practice today am I right?" Her in her basketball attire was a no brainer.

"Yep. Walkyoutolibrary?" Those words tumbled out so fast that I almost missed them.

"But it's not along the way." It wasn't, but I really, really hoped Naomi would insist. I really do contradict myself. My mouth and head are at constant war.

"Yeah it isn't." Naomi nodded softly. Oh me and my stupid mouth. "But since I couldn't walk you to class last time, this will make up for it. Besides, I've time before practice starts." Her eyes shyly met mine again and my heart inwardly soared again.

"But – " I pretended to protest.

"Oh just let me, you." She poked my waist with her finger and I jumped. Did I mention I'm terribly afraid of tickles? No? Let me say that, I really am afraid of being tickled and I hate to be tickled. Katie, on the contrary, doesn't have this bundle of sensitive nerves, so yeah more twin differences. But Naomi tickling me? I like that; I welcome that; I might even crave for that. I like how comfortable she is and we are together.

"Don't do that!" I pouted, "You know I'm sensitive there!" No I don't mind you tickling me, please read the pretext.

Naomi flashed a cheeky grin at me, "I know your weakness." She gave a mock evil laugh and reached for my sides again.

"Don't you dare!" I grabbed her finger with one hand while I tried to do the same to her while squirming out of her reach. We had a little mini fight there, right in the hall. I fucking loved this. She can tickle me anytime, anywhere, any day.

"That's not very gentlewomanly Naomikins!" A voice appeared behind us. "Yer got her all roughed up."

I looked up and saw Cook striding towards us with Effy and Freddie behind him. We dropped our hands quickly, like we were doing something illegal here that we wanted to pretend we didn't. Naomi was looking pink from laughing and a little awkward. Effy was smirking at us and Freddie was giving an amused look. Cooked looked at me and his grin widened.

"Emilio! Yer lookin' fockin' hot in tha' hair." He bent over and half whispered into my ear, "It's doin' sumfin' to lil' Cookie here."

Firstly, I've never actually spoken to Cook before so him calling me with a nickname was surprising. Secondly, I've no idea who's little Cookie.

"You keep your paws away from her James." Naomi snapped at him. "You're not her type of guy."

"Naomi yer hurt muh feelin's." He clutched his heart, "She's hot, I'm hot, we can – you know – " He started waggling his eyebrows. I was growing uncomfortable with where this was going. I wished I knew what to say. Katie would know what to do, fending off unwanted attention. Cook wasn't my kind of guy; I didn't even have a kind of guy just an imaginary crush on an imaginary boy.

Naomi swatted his head with her hand, "I'm warning you James," her voice was icy cold, "she's not the kind of girl that'll fuck anyone." I thought they were best friends. I didn't want they to quarrel over me. I'm not even under the category of fuckable girls. Honestly, I did feel a little, just a little, flattered that Cook would see me in that way. Does Naomi think I'm fuckable? Wait, let's not get there.

"Mate don't push it." Freddie tried to save the situation.

"Al'wite Naomi, she's yer girl. Yer know I won't touch no girl of yers." He winked at her.

"She's not – "

"I think you should be going somewhere am I right?" Effy spoke up for the first time, directing it to Naomi. She hadn't said a word throughout the exchange; she was just listening, watching with her eyes, all along with a smirk. Something about the way she looks at me unsettles me, like she's observing me. Like she can look at me in the eye and read all my secrets. I feel like I need to hide from her. Do I need to hide anything? Only the fact that I might no longer have a crush on Naomi which might really cause some serious trouble to my heart.

"Oh that's right. C'mon Em."

"Bye Emily." Freddie smiled and Effy nodded.

"Love you Naomikins!" Cook blew a kiss to Naomi which she rolled her eyes and chuckled. They are friends; no love lost between them. "See yer around Emilio." Cook grinned at me but he had already dropped the lewdness. His look on me was a different one this time, I can't quite place it but if this was the James Cook I had met earlier on, I would have liked him instantly.

I increased my pace and caught up with Naomi who had proceeded on without waiting for me. "Wait up, Naoms!" And just like that, a nickname for her casually slipped out of my lips. I like how easy all this is, and how terrifying how easy this has become.

She was looking straight ahead, her eyes seemed miles away yet they seem to hold a mixture of expressions – Lost? Pondering? Anxiety? I can't exactly pinpoint which but I know I didn't like it. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it. I don't know how what propelled me to do such a brave action but my hands seemed to have a thought of its own, reaching out and encasing hers in mine. I regretted it immediately, a panic shooting through my nerves. What if she pulls away and thinks it's inappropriate?

I released by grip, hoping this incident would go unnoticed, blotted out in this documentation of our friendship. To my utter surprise, excitement, elation and shock, she gripped my hand. A tingling sensation that didn't happen initially, immediately spread from that point of contact to my fingertips, through my arm to my body and smashed incisively into the heart of my heart. Naomi is holding my hand back. My heart is ricocheting in my rib cage; the senses of every atom in my body had increased their sensitivity from this mere contact.

I know, I know, it's not the first time our hands touched. I shook hands with her once; we grabbed each other's fingers as we tried to tickle each other; we also had many brushes with our hands but I had no fucking idea why this simple action of holding hands had stirred up something different in me.

"Sorry about just now, you know, James is always like that with the girls – especially the pretty ones – I hope he didn't make you feel uncomfortable." We stared at each other, both realising that she'd admitted that I was pretty again. She did call me 'beautiful' once in the shelter that time but I just can never get used to being surprised that a girl like her who has dated so many girls before, could call me pretty, what more beautiful.

She was blushing and looking awkward and sweet. She looked like she was mentally kicking herself for saying that again, like how she was kicking herself when she called me beautiful. I would really think she would have liked me and was hitting on me but then I thought about her words, about how she doesn't date her friends and about the girlfriend she still has. Her liking me is just not very possible. Not possible, not possible. I bet she says this to all the girls.

"No he didn't." I gave her a reassuring smile, "It's quite a change in fact, guys hitting on me, I never get that."

"Oh…" She looked down. She looked – upset? Oh fuck, did I say something wrong? "Then they must be quite blind because you," she let go of my hand and used her fingers to brush my fringe out of my eyes, "are absolutely beautiful."

And I believed her, just like that, because of the way she was looking at me with such sincerity in her eyes and the way she said it. She meant it, I could feel it.

"And you not even realising it, makes you even more beautiful." She added.

My heart melted into a puddle of Emily-goo. Never, has anyone, told me I was beautiful in that tone, with that lip bite and that look in her eyes that displayed a sense of panic. This is the second time that I cannot deny the fact that I think I fell for Naomi and I almost believed she could feel the same way too. I hope I'm right, because I've very little to compare to. There she was, looking at me like she thought she said something she shouldn't have said out loud. It was almost like how she looked when she called me beautiful in that shelter. I kept finding startling similarities in her expressions here and at the shelter. That place would be an epoch in my life. It was there that we shared ourselves to each other.

"Thank you." I mumbled, "You know you're not so bad yourself."

She lowered her eyes and gave a small smile, "I hope James isn't that guy that you like because…" She trailed off.

"Definitely not." I gave a feeble chuckle. It's you! It's you! I wanted to scream at her right there in the hallway and confess that I liked her since a long, long time ago and that I realised that I like her more than a girl should like other girls and I wanted her to want me like how I wanted her.

Of course I did absolutely nothing like that. Sometimes in life, you'll never have the guts to do the things you wished you had guts to do. This was one of them, one of mine. But the moment will pass and you wait for another moment like this to find it's way to you again, and you promise yourself that you will have the guts next time; maybe.

"I'd better get going." I said, because I needed to get away from this, from her, before I do something I'll regret.

"Yeah me too."

"All the best for your game next week yeah."

"Thank you." She nodded.

Both of us didn't move. We just stood there looking at each other, you know, just looking, again, like we both didn't want to leave. You tell me, am I only the one that's reading all these wrong? If I am, please just fucking tell me and teach me to read it right! Because I'm just so confused and scared that I'm just making all these up in my head and that all these doesn't actually mean a thing to her. Nothing's worse than finding out that you're the one that's been deceiving yourself all this time. Siken once wrote that it's twenty times better to be friends with someone than it is to be in love with them. I guess he's right, in a way. And I'm not in love with Naomi, I really can't be.

Naomi cleared her throat, "Okay – umm – see you around yeah." She bent forward and kissed my cheek and disappeared before I could even react to that.

Naomi. Kissed. My. Cheek.

I tried to replay the scene in my head. It was too fast. I was trying to visual the whole incident in slow-mo. Her face crawling centimetre by centimetre towards mine; the flutter of her eyes as she shut them; the feeling of her lips that ghosted by cheek. I gently brought my fingers and touched the supposed spot. It was less than a kiss I got to admit. I tried to remember how her lips felt on my cheek but I realised that I couldn't even feel it. It was like the lips of the wind lightly kissing the tips of the grass. I couldn't commit it to memory. I'll just have to hang on to the fact that she did kiss me but I probably missed it because of my inexperience. That should be good enough for now.

But Naomi kissed me. What does that mean? Was that just a friendly gesture? Was there something more? What was the possibility of her feeling the same way about me? Does she catch a breath when I look at her? Is she holding back like how I'm holding back? Are we just friends? Is there more? Am I crazy or falling in love? Or is it really just another crush?

No. One thing I do know now, it is not just another crush.