Thank you fookyeahskins, GilmoreRos, M, sexpistols, , DontBeIgnorant23, emilioman, Param0re1, SevenDevilsInYourHead, MisguidedGhostt, Valsy, KarlangazK2, fakevegan, dourememberthat and Red-out for the reviews. Both the new reviewers and especially the recurring ones.
And yes MisguidedGhostt, way to go for spotting the intentional lyrics! I found it really fitting for the situation.
And thank you all for assuring me that there's progress when I'm shitting myself thinking it sucks:)
I didn't mean to write 8k+ words or update so fast but that's what unemployment does to you. Bad for health and the bank account. And I apologise in advance for the clichéness of the latter scene (do not scoll down) but it works, well I hope it does anyway. And I hope yall can also visualize the basketball scenes. Kinda makes me miss playing basketball.
Anyway happy belated Valentine's day or if you're like me, happy Singles-Awareness day.
Oh okay longest author's note ever, I should stfu now.
I haven't started writing the next chapter.
But thanks for thinking this is worth leaving a review. Thanks for being great. Hope y'all like it.
Chapter Seven – Crazy For This Girl
Naomi
The level of noise in the indoor court went up a few notches over the minutes. Students were starting to enter and take seats, puncturing the dull coloured court with their various brightly coloured tops. Some ardent basketball fans were wearing similar copies of our jersey; a few others were carrying flags; some were carrying noise-inducing objects. Our mascot was parading around the court, getting the students into the atmosphere. I panned my head across the stands where the students sat, taking in all these. Many students were talking loudly to each other, yelling over the din; bunches of students coagulated all over the stands. The stands weren't filled up yet but it will be in half an hour's time. One thing was for sure, excitement was evident in most of their faces. Who knew everyone would be so into Roundview's women's basketball.
This wasn't the case last year. The women's team had started out as nobodies. The bunch of seniors before us the year before hadn't won the school enough matches to gather interest from the whole school. People were mostly into football. At least most of the female population was and the whole lot of guys that dreamed of being the next Messi. Who wanted to watch a bunch of girls play basketball? I wouldn't even want to watch myself play if I thought we would suck like our seniors.
When our new team was selected, there weren't any expectations because people expect us to suck and expected us to lose and never make it to the finals last year. The turnout for our first match was just an eighth of the stands. We won that one. Our second match had roughly same turnout. We won that one too. Actually we won five games in a row, lost one, and then won a few more. By then, our principal was starting to broadcast our results and achievements to the students and people were starting to take interest. For one of our early knockout stages, half the school turned up to watch us play.
It was sensational. Having half the school actually turn up and actually give a shit about what you do is a feeling that you just can't get used to, that you can't imagine that that would ever happen. We were from nobodies to actual basketball players for our school where people actually took time to watch us. The responsibilities were huge, we had our winning reputation at stake, the school's reputation at stake and our own reputation to build. That's a fuckload of expectations.
By the time we got to the quarterfinals, the whole school had turned up to watch us play. I was proud, not of myself, but of my team, of what we had achieved together. Sure people tend to value certain players more than others in the team but for me, I wouldn't be able to achieve this success without them and I wouldn't trade anyone for anyone in my team. Win or lose, we breathe success and failure together.
I play because I love the game. I play because I fucking love the adrenaline being on the court gives me. It's my drug. It's a much healthier, legal and mind-blowing drug than any other drug in the world. Once you get a taste of adrenaline and success, you crave for it every time. As I did my final warm-up routine at the side of the court with my teammates, I felt my adrenaline addiction kicking up again. I was fidgety, I wanted to start bouncing the ball and shooting hoops. I wanted to win. Today.
I looked up at the stands and witnessed James settling down on one of the seats in the stand with Freddie and Effy on his right and, I did a double take and widened my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things, Emily on his left. What is he doing sitting with Emily! The even stranger thing is that Katie was sitting on Emily's left and JJ, Pandora and Thomas was sitting on Katie's left. Now that is a very strange combination of people sitting in a row. It almost seemed like they were jumbled haphazardly together like colourful odd loose pieces in a lego box. I didn't even know James knew Emily's friends existed.
James was talking to Emily, really closely in her ear I must say, and Emily was nodding and laughing along with him. Katie looked like she was sulking as she tried to get into the conversation James and Emily were having. Okay it must be because it was getting really loud so he had to attach his stupid mouth near her ear.
His stupid mouth. I suddenly realised my mind had formed those words. There it was, that twinge of pain in my heart again. I had felt it before. It wasn't a new pain. I felt it on the day she told me she liked a guy with nice eyes, and the day James hit on her when I was walking her to the library. It's back again. I'm jealous. I have a green-eyed pocket-sized monster climbing out of my heart wanting to claw James' eyes for looking at Emily like that.
I'd already admitted to myself, I liked Emily in a way that's more than just platonic. I knew it the moment she hugged me after I sent her home after the rain, and confirmed it when I held her hand and kissed her cheek in the hallway that day. It was a huge problem because one, I have a girlfriend and to think of another girl like that when I'm together with Angela is cheating to me. Two, I think Emily is straight but whatever signals she's sending to my mind is confusing the fuck out of me. Three, Emily told me she liked a guy. Four, if these were all just in my head, I don't want to ruin this friendship if I confessed I liked her and she actually didn't see me in that way. I have so many problems that my life could be turned into a dramatic tv series.
James did look like he was hitting on Emily again. That prick! And Emily looked like she was having a great time talking to him and being in his company. I must be staring because Emily suddenly looked up at me and broke into a wide smile that could have split her face in half. I returned an equally huge similar smile and gave a dorky little wave. Fuck I'm useless, never can control my limbs around her can I? It is not cool for a basketball player to wave! She lifted her right hand, I just noticed that she was holding a tiny flag; you know those triangular shaped flags that flap feebly on a stick, and waved it at me cutely. It was cute; the way she waved it at me was so cute that I didn't know what to do with myself. James stuck out his both arms and waved maniacally at me in support then cupping his hands over his mouth and made a loud whooping cheer. The sound resounded around the court and people started to cheer in the same way. It was as though someone turned up the volume of the speakers to the maximum decibel.
"Hey baby!" Someone behind me covered my eyes. No prizes for guessing who that was.
I spun around, dislodging her hands from my eyes, "What are you doing here? You know I don't like you coming here before the match." I didn't like to be distracted before a match, my focus had to be there. I definitely got a little distracted looking at James and Emily at the stands but I guess I could sort of take it out on Angela because she was here. I'm such a terrible girlfriend.
"Sorry baby," She said in a childish voice that didn't show she was actually sorry, "Just wanted to give you my support." Yeah more likely show off that I belong to her. She lunged at me before I could back away and placed a very sloppy kiss on my lips, her hands circling around me, but she pulled away in half a second. "Ewww! You're all sweaty already!" She shrieked and grabbed the nearest towel and wiped away at her arms.
I was, because I perspire rather easily especially when I'm feeling the heat in the court, the pressure and the excitement all contained in me. "Alright, thank you, I'll see you after the match okay." I wanted to get rid of her as soon as I could. I wondered if Emily saw that. I sneaked a glance at her and found her resolutely talking to James. Oh well, I don't think so then.
"See ya baby." She blew me a kiss, turned her heel and walked off, probably to find her bunch of minions or whatever.
"Clinger that one is, hard to shake her off." My teammate Ashley nodded at Angela.
"Yeah." I replied.
"But she's kind of hot, if that's what you're in to." She shrugged and continued doing her stretching.
Well the thing is, is that what I'm really in to now? Am I in to girls like that? If I really like girls like that, why don't I feel that kind of attraction or static anymore from her that I get from being near to Emily? This is really, really fucked up. I pushed aside all thoughts on this, I've got a match to win today, can't let this get into my head now.
.
.
Shannon passed the ball to me after collecting a rebound. I received it and bounced past the half-court line and looked up, expecting to find Cindy ahead of me. She was, unguarded, a few steps faster than the defense of the other team. I passed the ball to her and ran to the circumference of the three-point line. The defense was on me and I was guarded by a girl much taller than me. Cindy passed the ball to Ashley who lifted her hands to shoot. In a split second, she made a pivot turn away from her defender and made a bounce pass to me which I had successfully outran my defender, received the ball and made a jump shot. My defender knocked into me as I made the shot, probably hoping for a last attempt to make the block.
My shot went in and the shrill of the whistle sounded again. The referee pointed to the free throw line. My defender groaned in frustration. We were well into the third quarter and we had quite a huge margin. The opposing team's defense was in shambles, they were scattering around like ants on a hot concrete ground. They were in a fluster and were making silly fouls, giving away free points.
I walked up to the free throw line to take my shot. The referee bounced the ball over to me and I held it in my hands. I twirled the ball on my finger for a second and bounced the ball twice before getting into my shooting stance. It was a habit that I did all the time; it gave me comfort and assurance. The noise from the crowd diminished and waited with baited breath as I halted a couple of seconds before taking the shot. I uncurled my spine and reenacted the well-practiced motion of my arms and flick of my wrist as I released the ball from my grasp. It fell sweetly through the hoop emitting my favourite sound in the whole world: the swoosh sound of the ball falling through the hoop. Another three-point play. I saw coach Anthea high-five one of our subs. The crowd erupted in screams and cheers. My face burst into a huge smile. The score counter flicked to fifty-one to the other team's thirty. The referee blew the whistle to signal the end of the third quarter.
After a quick wipe and drink, we were back on. I glanced in the direction of Emily and saw her cheering with James and the rest. Her face was effusing with excitement as she shouted the cheers that were going on. It felt good, to know that she was cheering for me, for the team. Suddenly her eyes met mine and, if it was even possible, her smile expanded and she flashed me two thumbs up. And just like that, I wanted so much to impress her even more. I wanted to show her that I was as awesome as she thought I was and even more than that.
"Ten minutes!" I called out to my team, "Defense now! Remember how we practiced!"
And man did we play well, I shot another handful of points, defended like my life depended on it and intercepted many loose balls. We were on a rampage. The score was sixty-two to thirty four, I felt a little bad for the other team to be thrashed like this but this is basketball, this is about winning.
Whenever I turned my head to access the play before me, my eye always caught the flash of red. Whenever I received a ball and scanned the area, I saw that red. I think it's Emily's hair. It was always at the same place I found that colour. It's like my eyes are automatically drawn to that area where she sat at. It gave me a sense of confidence.
There was a collective shout from the crowd as I intercepted another loose ball at the edge of the other team's three-point line. I shot off towards my hoop with a burst of pace, no one was ahead of me, and I was on my own. I knew what I had to do. I geared myself up for the shot and my mind flashed back on the million times I practiced a layup. I approached the hoop at an angle and took the two prior steps before making the shot. I lifted my body off the floor as I jumped; I was going to do a safe and normal overarm layup but the adrenaline was rushing into my head. I felt like I was invincible plus we had a huge margin, a little showoff wouldn't hurt right?
At the last fraction of a second before the shot is released, I brought my arms back down and under the opposite side of hoop, then flicking my wrist and releasing the ball for a reverse layup. My reputation was at stake, the ball had to get it. My eyes followed the ball as it deflected itself on the right top corner of the box and into the net. There was another roar of approval from the crowd. I was fucking flaunting my moves and they loved every bit of it. I whipped my head to where Emily was sitting again but I saw James first. He was standing up and punching his fist into the air, shouting something I couldn't quite make out. Every inch of his face was covered with pride for me.
Emily was also standing but James who was naturally bigger in height and size blocked her. She was cupping her hands over her mouth and cheering. I wider grin overtook my face. My two favourite persons cheering for me. Oh so now Emily's my second favourite person? It doesn't feel right. Let me correct that, James is my favourite male person and Emily's my favourite female person, they've got equal positions. Still, that felt wrong, yet so right.
Ashley came over and gave me a fist-bump. "Fucking showoff," she joked, "must be for your girl."
Indeed, but I'm not quite sure which girl she was referring to. I was certain though that it was for Emily.
At last, the game clock reduced the time to zero. The referee blew the whistle and it was over. We won sixty-six to thirty-six. I shook hands with the players from the other team before running to my teammates, group hugging them and cheered with them. I can never get used to the feeling of winning.
Someone pulled me out of the group. I turned to face coach Anthea, "Don't you dare do that again!" She barked at me. Oops, I'm in trouble. I guess she was referring to my reverse layup. I shrugged and gave her a sheepish grin. "You're lucky that you're awesome. Well done today." She broke into a smile and thumped me on my back before proceeding to congratulate my teammates.
My next natural instinct was to turn to where Emily sat again. The celebrations were still on and I saw James and Emily hugging, in the celebratory way, but it still got me riled up. I told James to keep his hands off Emily! I know, Emily isn't mine and I'm not supposed to get all worked up on who she likes to talk to or laugh with or hug but I just gets me all fucking annoyed that I can't be the only one that she could talk to, laugh and hug and maybe kiss, this freely. I think I'm going fucking crazy for this girl.
"To Naomi, muh brother – Oww! muh best mate for fockin' ownin' tha' game! Cheers!" James yelled. We threw the shot of vodka down the back of our throats and collectively slammed our shot glasses on the wooden table.
We were in a shitty little pub called Keith's celebrating after my win. We always go for a round of drinks after every match, win or lose. And 'we' I meant my gang plus the girlfriend. It's a permanent thing after she insisted one day that she should be included when I told her that I wanted to hang out with my friends. It's alright to me, I'm happy, she's happy, a win-win situation.
"To my baby," Angela held out another shot, "for being so wonderful!" She held the shot glass in front of my mouth and I brought the one I was holding to hers, and we downed it together. The rest did the same. "And for being so hot and sexy," she whispered in my ear. I shuddered. I think it's because of the alcohol and not because I felt that was a turn on. I felt her hot breath of my cheek as she bent over and brushed her lips against mine and kissed me. I returned the kiss back like a good girlfriend not because I wanted to but because I was in the moment and she wasn't a bad kisser. She tasted like raspberry and chapstick. Somewhere I heard James fake retch loudly and I didn't even really care.
Seriously what is happening to me? I don't feel that kind of passion and excitement with Angela anymore. When she kissed me, I returned it out of duty, like I was trained to do it. Where is that tingle they say all the time in books that's supposed to spread through your body like a raging fire, and that you want to place your hands under their clothes and do things to them even if you're in public, or that fireworks that you're supposed to see exploding at the back of your shut eyes as you kiss them every time? All these symptoms are supposed to happen, and I didn't get any of them.
As though sensing that I wasn't spontaneous, Angela hooked her right leg over my right leg, pressing her body flush against my own. She grabbed my right hand and placed it firmly on her ass then cupping my face with both her hands and tried to deepen the kiss. It wasn't out of the ordinary either; she always liked these kinds of public displays. I was just like a wooded doll being arranged to the best possible position to suit her.
I think it worked, to a certain extent. I opened my mouth as I felt her tongue pushing through my lips, my tongue meeting hers as we kissed. My hand that was at first lying like a dead weight on her ass, automatically started to knead and grab it and she started to push herself further into me, while taking one hand off my face and sliding it down my body to my inner thigh and up again. I was getting into it. Told you I had the mind of a teenage boy.
I liked this, being wanted by someone. I mean, I'm someone yeah, my team won a match for fuck sake, I could have any girl. But this girl wants me and I let her want me, for whatever reason that is I can't care now, all I know is that I'm getting buzzed and this feeling is great. It would be better if it was Emily, but since I can never have that, I'll settle for this. I know I am being a completely selfish and self-absorbed tit but I can't help it. And I think I just disclosed the fact that I rather wanted Emily to do all these things Angela was doing to me right now.
"Get a fockin' room Naomikins." James waggled his tongue at me. I broke the kiss and rolled my eyes at him. "You guys are makin' me feel left out, I gotta get me some pussy action."
James prided himself as a playboy that's not into relationships and will fuck any girl that comes onto him but deep inside I know he's searching for the one, the right girl but he's covering his insecurities by fucking around. I'm like him I think. I know Angela's not the one, but I'm looking past this because I've her and I hadn't met anyone, until now. But I'm still not sure that I'm sure about it either.
"How about that girl I saw you sitting with today?" Angela suddenly spoke up, "What's her name, Emma, Emilia or whatever – that girl with that slutty red hair."
I froze. She was talking about Emily. Emily with her new gorgeous red hair. It isn't slutty! I wanted to scream at her. I was furious, how dare she use such a comment on Emily. I kept my best poker face on and tried to look nonchalant. I caught Effy's eye; she was staring at me, watching me for a reaction. It was uncanny; I don't know why she was looking at me like that.
"Yer mean Emily?" James replied after taking a huge swallow from his jar of beer. "Wha' bout her?"
"Looks like you're into her, or at least she looks like she's into you. She could do with a good fuck. The way she was looking at you was like she hadn't had a fuck in ages." Angela laughed and I wanted to strangle her throat till she died. How dare she talk about Emily like that? Emily is the purest, most benign, most innocuous and most innocent girl I've know and here is Angela blabbering a load of shit about her. I felt my anger rise five levels and I pushed Angela off me but not hard enough to make it like I was annoyed with her, and grabbed my beer on the table, taking a huge gulp to calm myself.
James started, "Naw Emily's – " I threw him a sharp look, warning him not to shoot his mouth, "Emily's Naomi's friend an' mine too. I won't do no girl who's our friend." Good answer James. I will hold your word for it.
"Still," Angela continued. Why can't she just shut her fucking mouth already! "I don't get why people are staring at her new hair colour. It's not like she's pretty or what. Am I right baby?" She stared at me expectantly waiting for my reply.
I shrugged, still continuing to feign disinterest, "Sure." Fuck you Angela, Emily is pretty, beautiful and gorgeous. She's smart, funny and has this great voice that sounds so much nicer than yours. She's worth a million times more than you. I had to get out of here before I blurted out the internal monologue in my head. "Gotta go to the restroom." I stood up and slowly made my way to the toilet, feeling a little oozy from the alcohol. I was quite a lightweight.
I pushed through the doors. Thankfully there was no one there. I turned the tap and splashed the cold water on my face. Get a grip on yourself. What you're feeling about Emily is normal. She's your good friend and you hate people to talk stuff that isn't true behind her back, that's why you're reacting this way. I stared at my own image in the mirror, looking into my own slightly dilated blue eyes and taking a deep breath. It's not true; she's not only your good friend. You like her that's why you're feeling like this. I'm in fucking deep shit.
Suddenly the doors opened and Effy stepped in and closed the door behind her.
"You alright?" She asked, her eyes watching me. She's always watching me these days, like that time in the hallway, in the cafeteria, and just then. It's like she's looking at some part of me that I don't even know yet. We are friends, but I preferred if she didn't keep staring because I feel quite exposed when she stares at me like that.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
She nodded. What's that supposed to mean? I can never read Effy properly. "It's Emily's birthday tomorrow," she suddenly said.
My mind stumbled over the words for a couple of seconds to make sense of it because I couldn't believe the abruptness and objective of the information. "Huh? Wha – how did you – "
"It's Emily's birthday tomorrow." She repeated again, patiently. "I overheard Katie trying not to announce it yesterday."
"Okay… and why are you telling me this?"
She looked at me with a raised eyebrow as though expecting I should catch on to something she had telepathically told my mind. Why would she know when Emily's birthday was? Even I didn't know that. What kind of friend am I? But most importantly, why does she think I will need to know this information? What did she know? The fact that I liked Emily couldn't be obvious, can it?
Effy rolled her eyes, "You're having a headache."
"What?" I was majorly confused, "No I'm not, you're having a fever."
"You are having a headache." She repeated again, it was getting to annoy me. I really think I was going to have one if she kept trying to make me decode what she was cryptically saying. "And you will be leaving early."
I stared at her, the cogs in my mind whirring and piecing together these new bits of information she was telling me what I was supposed to be feeling and doing. And I got it.
"So you mean…" A dawn of realisation was creeping up my face.
She waved me off and smirked, "I see you're having a splitting headache now."
I grinned at her but it slipped off my face in an instant. Because I realised that Effy knew what I was feeling towards Emily. This sudden shock of realisation got me all sober. I opened and closed my mouth, not knowing what to say, my eyes wide in horror. If Effy had seen through me, had others noticed too? What was I doing? I wasn't cheating on Angela right? Celebrating a friend's birthday is completely acceptable.
"It's okay you know." I swear Effy could read minds.
"Yeah? I said unsurely.
"Yeah, never did like her anyway." I didn't say anything about liking or not liking anyone. How does she know that!
"I'd better go now – you know, not much time left."
"You should." She smiled at me, "make it good."
We exited the toilet and I announced that I had a headache, scrunching up my face and pinching the bridge of my nose to play the part.
"Aww baby, I thought we were going to go back to mine today." Angela took me in her arms and tried her best to give a seductive smile. I shriveled inwardly, it's like all my sensors closed up like a mimosa at her touch. I wanted her arms off me; I want no part of them touching me. I'd no idea why I was thinking like that; I just want to get out of there fast.
"Sorry, really bad headache – should get home to rest. You stay with them." I told Angela.
"Need me tuh send yer bac' Naomi? Yer lookin' all pale an' shit." James eyed me with concern.
"It's alright James," I gave my best fake headache reassuring smile and hoped he bought it, "you all carry on."
They waved me out of the pub and I quickly unchained my bicycle, hopped on and pedaled as fast as my legs could. A torrent of questions surged through my mind. Why am I doing this? What is she's not home or out celebrating? If she was home, what would I say? Is it even normal to do this kind of spontaneous midnight birthday celebration thing? What if she thinks I'm overstepping the boundaries? What am I supposed to do when I see her? I don't even have a present!
I suddenly braked hard, my bicycle tires screeched to a painful halt as I realised I don't even have a cake or present. I checked my phone, it was already eleven, and no bakery will be open now! Think! Where can you get a cake! I turned my bicycle abruptly in another direction and pedaled to a twenty-four hour convenience store.
Pathetic, they didn't have any cakes so I bought a pre-packed muffin, banana-walnut flavoured, remembering she didn't like chocolate much, couple of cans of beers, a box of candles because you can't just buy one, and a lighter. This is all madness and terribly foreign. I still don't know why I'm doing this. I don't even do such things and I don't think I'm the romantic sort. I don't even do this to my girlfriend or ex-girlfriends. I must be crazy for this girl.
Deciding that I didn't have time to get home to change, I stuffed the items in my bag and cycled to Emily's house. It was past eleven-thirty. Oh please let her be in!
I arrived at the sidewalk at her house where I usually dropped her off. Her room light was on. Thank heavens! Now what do I do? Do I throw stones like some cheesy teenage movie at her windowpane and rescue her from pre-birthday boredom? Nah I might break the glass. I took out my phone and fired her a text.
Hey, you're still up
Your room light's on. – Naomi
I stared at her 'last seen' status on my phone as the seconds ticked by. I felt my heart pounding like a bass drum. I've never felt so vulnerable. This is probably a huge, huge mistake. I should just quickly disappear before I – OH MY GOD! Her status changed to 'online' then 'typing…"
? – Emily
I chuckled and looked up once again at her window. Suddenly her head popped out of the window looking down at me. There was a streetlight not far from me so I was sure she could see my face. Her features were dark and obscured because of the backlight from her room. I can't make out what she was thinking or the expression on her face. My stomach felt twisted into knots from anxiety. My mind hyperventilated.
What are you doing here? – Emily
Ahh bollocks, I can't ponder on the question too long. Emily will be able to see me thinking too hard!
Can you get away for a while?
I need to see you – Naomi
I looked up at her. Her red hair was illuminated by the backlight; it was slightly tousled. I couldn't see her face but damn even her silhouette is breathtaking. I hoped she wouldn't think me creepy for trying to lure her away from her room near midnight.
Give me a minute – Emily
She disappeared from the window. I shuffled my feet on the pavement anxiously. How the fucking fuck am I suppose to explain myself?
The front door opened and I immediately stopped my antsy movements. Emily shut the door quietly and walked up to me. I checked her out; I'm always checking her out I admit. She was wearing a grey half-zipped hoodie and long baggy track bottoms. Everything she wore looked big on her. She looked like warm and sleep all huddled into one. She still looked great. One of the signs of really liking someone is that you still find them attractive even though they're in their most unglamourous pj's. I was totally aware of this fact.
"Is anything wrong?" Emily spoke first. Her voice was even more husky than normal, maybe it sounds different at night, that I wouldn't know, but I like it. Oh shit maybe I woke her up. Maybe I should wake her up more often.
"No – were you asleep? I was – Effy told me – it's your birthday – or going to be, so I thought – I'll drop by – was nearby to umm, celebrate with you, if you don't mind." I should have planned my fluent grand speech about how I'd love to celebrate her birthday with her and that I was sorry I woke her up but I'll tell her that she still looked beautiful. Instead, an avalanche of graceless words flowed out. Just where did my charm disappear to?
She ignored my whole debacle and flashed me a very surprised look, "You came all the way here to celebrate my birthday? That's very – nice. You didn't have to." She said softly but I could tell she meant it, that she appreciated me doing this. It was enough for me; I knew it was worth it going to all that trouble and anxiety just to look at her looking at me with this expression, like she couldn't believe I was here or that someone could do something like that for her. I would believe that. I'm surprised why a line of guys hasn't queued up to jump on her. Seems like I'm first in line.
"I know, but I want to." She gave a small smile and dipped her head, I was sure she was blushing. She was always blushing around me, not that I mind, I wouldn't want to get used to it because her reaction was making me feel special about myself. You know when someone reacts in the same way every time they're around you, you can't help think that you could be the cause of it. This is a good reaction. I must mean something more to her, I hope.
"Would you like to come inside?"
"Erm… I was thinking of bringing you somewhere else, but if you want – "
"Okay let's go then!" She started towards my bicycle but suddenly turned back, "Are we taking your bicycle or walking?"
"I suppose we could cycle there." It wasn't far but the truth is, I would like her arms around me, thank you very much.
I got on and she hopped naturally into the passenger seat encircling her arms around my waist. Ahh this feels good, I'd miss this, very much.
I took her to the shelter, our shelter, where it all first started, the moment I realised I liked her more than friends. I took her there because I didn't know where else. This was the only place I could ever bring her, for now. Plus I knew it would be quiet, so it would be just the two of us, by ourselves. I hoped I made the right choice.
"You're taking me to our dirty shelter?"
Uh-oh maybe it was the wrong choice. I turned to apologise, I should've realised that dirty shelters are not very appropriate to celebrate birthdays. Instead, I saw a cheeky smile on her face. Phew, maybe it wasn't too bad an idea after all. Wait, did she say our shelter? OUR shelter?
"Problem?" I said jokingly as I parked my bicycle in the middle of the shelter again.
"Umm yeah, are we going to sit on the ground again?"
Right. I forgot about the details. How bloody romantic this is. No, no it's not supposed to be romantic! "Where else? Do you wanna sit on my lap?" I sat down Indian-style and patted my thighs, looking up at her challengingly. I don't know why I said that, I guess I just wanted her in my arms. Oh please say no, I mean yes, I mean I don't know!
She bit her lip and looked at me in a strange way, flicking her eyes from the ground to my lap, "That's very tempting but I think I'll pass." She sat down, not as prettily as she did with a skirt the other day, but still gracefully. I was a little disappointed but I don't even think it's right for me to even hope for that yeah. I scooted closer to her till our knees were touching.
"You played very well today you know." She looked at me, conveying every bit of truth, sincerity and admiration in her eyes, words and tone.
"Of course I did, I'm Naomi Campbell." I puffed out my chest in false pride and grinned at her.
She nudged me in the ribs, "Such a show off!"
"You know you lo – like me for that." I wasn't sure, I was testing waters.
She gave a tiny smile, the kind that was like a silent agreement, an acknowledgement, an affirmation, that she did. Like she was channeling all that in that smile with those eyes looking into mine. She does like me. She didn't deny that.
Like it's all too much to process, I changed the subject. "Soooo…" I dragged, "Why aren't you out partying?" I don't believe Katie will sit still at home when she's got a birthday to party away."
"You're right, Katie's staying over at Danny's," Emily absent-mindedly picked at the loose stones on the ground and tossed them as she spoke, "JJ can't stay out late and Thomas and Panda are out together, they'll celebrate with me tomorrow. I don't have a Danny or whatsoever."
"But you have me now, surely I'm more than a Danny or whatsoever." I nudged her out of her whatever soliloquy that was taking place in her head.
"You sure are."
There it is, that look again on her face. I can't be imagining it, can I? That look that makes me think that there is something more to both of us than what we appear to be. I'm not sure, but I feel it strongly. It's like the feeling that she likes me more than just friends yet she seems to be holding back. I confess, I am holding back because there is so much at stake, this friendship, my relationship with Angela, our relationship. But I need to know. I really need to know. How?
Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel.
"Close your eyes." It's time; it was five minutes to twelve.
She stared at me, "What?"
"Close your eyes," I repeated, "I've something for you."
She closed her eyes and I waved a hand in front of her to make sure she wasn't looking. It almost felt like the scene from Beauty and the Beast, except I didn't have flowers for her. She was still, waiting expectantly, with a serene smile on her lips. I could kiss her now and say that's the present. It was tempting. But I didn't dare to, I just can't. So I unzipped my bag and carefully unwrapped the plastic from the muffin, poked a candle right in the middle, clicked a flame with the lighter and lit the candle.
"You can open your eyes now."
She opened her eyes, she was already smiling when she heard all the sounds and movements. But her smile grew wider and the fact that it wasn't a cake didn't dampen it. She loves it. I love that I made her smile like that.
"I couldn't find a cake so I got this."
"I think it's lovely. It's the thought that counts. You're lovely." There it is again, that double flip in my stomach. My heart overflowed with joy. I'm lovely? That will need some getting used to.
And she carries on without a doubt
I wonder if she's figured it out
I'm crazy for this girl.
I held up the muffin on my palm waiting for her to blow it out. But she didn't, she just stared at me with those chocolate brown eyes of hers. I could see the flame dancing in them. "Well?" I asked.
"Are you forgetting something?" She tilted her head at me and raised an eyebrow.
"No… this is the part where you blow the candle."
"This is the part where you sing a birthday song." She gave a small laugh.
"I don't sing!"
"Don't be silly, everyone can sing. What's a birthday without a birthday song?"
"I only sing in the shower. You can't make me!" I protested.
"Then I guess I'll have to be in the shower with you to hear you sing."
We both froze. I can't believe she just said that. No one will say that kind of words to someone without feeling a slightest bit of attraction to that person. Taking into consideration what was just said, I daresay the gauge of Emily did liking me was eight on a scale of ten.
"I shouldn't have said that. That came out wrong – very, very wrong. I shouldn't have said that indeed." Emily looked everywhere but me, muttering that to herself.
"Close your eyes and make a wish." I tried to put her out of her awkwardness. I of all people should know how it's like to shoot your mouth off about something inappropriate to someone you like. I think she likes me. I mean likes me, you know. But what about that guy whom she also liked? I will fight with him over her, whoever the fuck he is. He won't stand in the way of us. Then I remembered that I already have a girlfriend. So break up with her. But, but… what? This is so fucking complicated!
Emily closed her eyes. The flame wavered slightly; it was the only light illuminating our faces. I took this silence to quietly admire her face. I was yet again, mesmerized. The orange glow from the flame seem to be absorbed in her face, bathing her face in a shade of delicate orange which made her flawless skin glow. It coated her long eyelashes, between them and up to their tips. I yearn for them to flutter against mine when we kissed. They would undo me. An eternity seemed to vanish when she opened her eyes and smiled at me. A bit of the wax slid down the candle and onto the bread but I couldn't care. Nothing mattered. She mattered.
She blew the flame out, the smoke residue from the burnt tip twisted about and faded into oblivion.
"Happy birthday Emily," I said softly.
"It is a happy one, the best one actually," she replied. I wanted to kiss her to make it even more complete but I didn't have the guts yet.
We took bites out of the muffin. What an actually exciting thought, swopping saliva with her. You'd understand if you ever came to a situation where you were going to drink out of the same bottle, or lick from the same ice cream with someone you really, really like.
We sat in silence finishing the muffin. I was glad I did this, to see her satisfied and smiling as she ate was worth it. And to know I was the one that caused it. Something was bursting out of me, something I can't contain. I do not know what it is except that it is grand, and that it is happiness. It's something I'm not very accustomed to feel but I feel it all the time when I'm with her. I want to tell her I like her.
But I asked this instead, "What do you usually get or do on your birthday?"
"Well," her eyes looked up, looking at nothing really, just thinking, "Mom will make us a really good pancake breakfast and we used to receive toys and stuff for presents but we grew out of it, so she now gives us a little money to buy stuff. Katie and I usually go out together to buy clothes."
"That's all? Not very interesting yeah?"
"I guess not, this, is by far the most interesting to date." I can't help but feel a little pleased with myself at that comment.
"What about your Dad?"
"He gives us a big hug and kiss and slips us a little bit more money," she chuckled. "I really like his hugs. My dad doesn't talk a whole lot or controls us like our mom but he expresses himself through actions like hugs and kisses and approving of my new hair and stuff."
I could see that she really loves her father, the way she talks about him and the way her eyes light up at the memories. I wished she could look at me in that way, that I could be the other person that can put a smile like this on her face. I wished I could match up to the hugs and kisses. Hug her now! You can't kiss her but you can at least hug!
Fuck it, it's now or never. I threw my arms open in abandonment. This is all of me, take it. I pushed all my fears aside. It's just a hug, it's no big deal. Something in me is just pressing me and compelling me to do it. If I didn't go for it, I'll miss this opportunity.
"Big birthday hug for the beautiful birthday girl?" There I was, arms open like a complete fool. I must be drunk, well I did drink alcohol about an hour ago. I tensed and I saw her hesitation and uncertainty in her body language. Fuck fuck fuck! I shouldn't –
But she launched herself into me, throwing her arms around my neck. I instantly wrapped my arms around her back, drawing her closer into me. Oh my god she felt so good in my arms. Her small body was warm and inviting; her hair was freshly shampooed and smelt wonderfully of something fruity. Her scent was intoxicating me. I was giddy and drowning in it. There was no other scent so innocent yet alluring, so fresh and reassuring, so complete and wonderfully and esoteric like Emily. To have her in my arms is indescribably mind blowing. I cannot let her go. I don't ever want to let her go.
Something intangible between us fell. Something felt suddenly very clear as we held onto each other.
We pulled back, enough for her to hold me an arms length. All her weight was on her knees that were in my lap.
I tried to read the expression on her face. I looked into her eyes. It was as though static was flashing out of them and hitting me on every pore of my skin. The synapses in my mind were sparkling; this was going to go down as a memory part of my being. I was tingling like how I never tingled before. My sensors were in overdrive and driving me crazy. I could still smell her scent from this proximity. My heart was thumping painfully in my chest. My hands that had slid down to her waist refused to be eradicated.
I moved my head infinitesimally forward. It was now or never, this could change everything but I've got to let her know.
Would you look at her
She looks at me
She's got me thinking about her constantly
But she don't know how I feel.
She would know now.
"Is it okay?" It was a full on ambiguous question. I didn't even know what I was asking, about the hug or what I'm going to do next.
She gave a very tiny nod. There were so many signs that told me she liked me. If all these signs weren't real, nothing is anymore. Her eyes flicked imperceptibly to my lips and back to my eyes. And suddenly I became very aware of what I am going to do. It was dead quiet and the only things I heard were my poor palpitating heart and our silent breathing.
One thing's for sure. We both agreed on this.
Right now
Face to face
All my fears
Pushed aside
I closed the gap between our faces. The last thing I saw before my eyes fluttered shut was her tongue darting out to wet her lips.