Chan
What the hell is wrong with you? Do you even think about what you say? Every time you freak out or be confused or scared you have 3 excuses...your awkward and weird childhood, that you're a jerk, and me. I mean I didn't even know what to write because I'm afraid to scare you. That's not normal. There shouldn't be doubts when I write you. I mean I want to be honest with you but can't because I don't want to scare you. You and you're fucking self-doubts.
Yeah, I'm angry...I really am. Every time we talk about feelings I have to know what each of your reactions means but do YOU want to know something? I don't. I don't know what your reactions mean! Why? Because I didn't even know about my own feelings.
Okay the angry part is over...now with no fear about scaring you I will go on with writing this email...trying to explain what I feel.
Beside all this angriness I knew sending the last email to you was wrong…totally wrong. Now I have scared you to hell because I said "I am beginning to fall in love with you". Why didn't I erase that sentence? You see I am as confused as you are. I'm still thinking about you and me…really I do a lot. I locked myself in my bedroom so Rachel can't bother me with the same things Joey did. So you're right they would definitely hit it off as friends. Y'know what? Right after I get your email I also called my boss at the restaurant to tell him I'm still ill even I'm feeling much better…no more coughing. But I'm not able to cook or do anything else than thinking, thinking, thinking.
I mean why did I write the last email, why? I knew it would freak you out, nevertheless I wrote it. Maybe I'm temporary unsound of mind….is that possible?
Maybe it will be better if I write something else?
Okay here it is: you defended me in front of your school? Nobody ever did something like that for me. Wow…you think I'm beautiful? Even then?
What is this between us? It's a question I asking me since the email before your last one. And yet? I didn't have an answer. Never was that confused about my feelings for somebody. Why is it so hard to figure out what I'm feeling about you? I know I wrote "I begin to fall in love with you" but I'm still confused. Maybe it's good to list the things I know about you and me.
So, I know: I think you're the funniest guy I ever met and I love that.
I know you're sensitive.
I know I love your emails, the way you write.
I know you're honest…most of the time. ;)
I know I never wanted to scare you.
I know you're handsome.
I know you're really really important to me.
I know I like you…maybe more than that.
I know I don't want to hurt you or that you hurt yourself.
I know there's a meaning behind the fact you almost say the 'L' word.
I know I have never say THIS sentence (You know which I mean).
So there's a lot I know.
But I don't know and that's the most important thing: what is this we have?
Maybe Rachel and Joey are right and we just can't see it.
Chan, no you didn't ruin the moment even I do not want to know what you throwing up.
Today there were a lot of maybes in my email…I'm just confused. So please excuse that. As I wrote in my last email: Please answer.
Bye Mon