Behind every human being or hero alike, there are secrets. Dark secrets, which always threaten the well being of the bearer.
That's why I shut them out; my feelings. Feelings only lead to sadness. If you open yourself up, your giving your body and mind over to the darkness.
That is what I believed in.
Then I met Clint Barton, the man who made a different call. The man who changed my life and saved me from what I had become. I never had to face the Red Room again, never had to go through the torture or pain, I was never used as their puppet, to seduce and kill, to throw my body around like a rag doll.
He changed my view on things, that man did. He showed me that I wasn't just a puppet to the Soviet agency. He helped me leave my old life for a new one.
Then I opened up. Although I kept myself cold and professional for years at S.H.I.E.L.D, always feared and watched in case I turned. Almost everyone knew some detail about my former life but not all of it, no one but Clint, Fury, Coulson and unfortunately the Counsel.
I fell for Clint before I even knew I had, and things changed between us. We were more then friends but less then lovers; we were the perfect partners for each other. We were best friends, soul mates.
So when I told Loki that love was for children, I knew I was lying to myself. Because I felt love, I did everything I could for that love. Maybe we were children in the form of adults, maybe love was for children and we were living in a dream.
"I won't touch Barton, not until I make him kill you, slowly, intimately, in every way he knows you fear. And then he'll wake just long enough to see his good work, and when he screams I'll split his skull!"
His words had haunted my dreams almost every night since I was sent to manipulate Loki. Although on the outside I was faking my fear, my insides were screaming in sorrow. I would die at the hands of the only man I trusted and he would die at Loki's.
And Loki surely knew all our secrets, so that's why I kept the very worse one to myself.
"Zip me up, will you?"
I walked over to Clint, who was tying the laces to his shiny black shoes. He glanced up at me, eyes widening slightly at the sight, which gave me butterflies.
I wore I shimmering, strapless red dress which hugged my body in all the right ways, and it flowed down to my feet with a split that started mid thigh that ran down to the bottom too.
"Shit, Nat." He breathed. I raised an eyebrow, motioning to the fabric, which I held to my chest to stop it from falling down. He nodded, mumbling 'right, right' as if to snap himself out of his thoughts. I rolled my eyes and turned my back to him.
He ghosted his fingers over my spine as he grabbed the zip that sat at the small of my back. His fingers tickled my skin, and I tried to unsuccessfully suppress the shudder that ran through me. He chuckled lightly, zipping the dress up so it finally was tight around my body and I didn't have to hold it up.
I dropped my arms from my chest and adjusted the dress til it was perfectly wrapped around me, and I sighed as Clint's arms snaked their way around my waist and pulled my back against his chest.
I lent into him, feeling his warmth. He rested his cheek atop my head and breathed in my scent, and I wound my hands with his own around my waist. We stood like this in silence for a long moment, savouring the feel of each other.
I'd felt him in many other ways before. Many intimate ways. Skin to skin contact, the feel of him inside of me. It was no lie that we had made love before. I had awoken from a nightmare of the past in the Red Room, and he had been there to comfort me. That was months ago, before Loki, and we never spoke of it, acted like it never happened, let things go back to normal.
It was just another one of those things that proved my love for him.
"Are you nearly ready?" he finally broke the silence, pulling away from me and walking to grab the black jacket to his suit. He shrugged it on. I love the sight of him in formal wear.
"Almost. Hair, makeup and jewellery." I counted them off mostly to myself, heading to the bathroom, my red heels clicking against the tiles.
I gave myself a smoky-eye look, the one that Clint loved so much, and decided to spice things up with some blood-red lipstick that matched my outfit. I left my hair in the loose red curls that bounced around my face, and put some silver bangles, necklace and earrings in to complete the look.
I walked out of the bathroom, met with the smell of freshly sprayed cologne, which reminded me to spray my own sweet perfume that I loved so much. Such sweet perfume for such a dark woman…
"Beautiful…" Clint was watching me from the door, arms crossed over his chest. I flashed him a smile.
"Weapons?"
He pulled open his jacket before yanking open a hidden layer of black cloth which revealed two guns, and on the other side three daggers.
I nodded, bending down with a sly smile before pulling up my dress over my legs, deliberately slowly, to reveal the gun holster around the thigh that didn't have the split. I dropped the red material and let it fall back to my feet, before grabbing the small tab at my left hip and pulling it, taking a layer of shimmering red along the way, which revealed more guns and daggers.
He chuckled, and I pulled the fabric back in place and tucking the tab back in, making myself look like a normal human being heading out for dinner. I walked over to him, splaying my hands on his chest. His tie was awfully wonky, and I took it off and on again, making it perfectly straight.
"For a man who has such skill with your fingers, you are terrible at putting on a tie." I mumbled, kissing him lightly on the cheek.
"The sooner I get it off, the better." He murmured back, lifting up my chin with his finger so I was looking into his blue-green eyes. He smiled down at me, and I smiled back, pulling away before he could kiss me and walking to the bed.
"Right, all set." I grabbed my small purse off the pillow, and walked through the door that Clint was holding open for me.
We caught a Taxi to the restaurant, which was by the beach. La Méditerranée was a single story building. The word grand wouldn't fit it.
The building was huge, said to take an hour and a half to walk the perimeter, so the Taxi driver thinks. It had a high, circular ceiling; I was almost scared to go inside.
Once we were checked twice by guards, who found nothing, we were lead down a long hall way and into a huge ballroom. We seemed tiny in comparison to this room. The ceiling was made of glass, and you could see the stars in the sky. The marble ground reflected the night sky, and the walls were adorned with ancient paintings and artifacts. Our table sat by a large window over looking the sea, and all of the Avengers stood up from their seats.
The thing that surprised me the most was the God of Thunder beaming down at us.
"Ah, my friends!" he burst out, grabbing us both in a tight bear hug and lifting us off our feet. He wore a suit much like the rest of the men; black and white, and he looked so modern without all his warrior metal all over him. He dropped us to our feet and placed a hand on each of our shoulders, smiling as we pant for breath and straighten up anything out of place.
"Hey, Thor." I finally breathed, smiling. Clint nodded and smiled, shaking his hand.
"It's good to see you." Captain America came forward, smiling handsomely and planting a soft kiss on my hand and hugging Clint lightly.
"It's good to see you too, Cap. Where have you been lately?" I asked, tucking a loose curl behind my ear.
"I visited all the major war memorials like Pearl Harbour and such. I've started to write an autobiography as well and hope to get it published along with some of my drawings S.H.I.E.L.D managed to save while I was frozen."
"Sound's great, Cap. I'd like to read it." Clint sighed, placing a hand on Steve's shoulder. He beamed, and left to sit down.
Tony walked over, and he was probably the only man here who didn't try to hide his wide eyes and gaping mouth at the sight of me.
"Well, well, Widow, you've still got it!" he mumbled, holding out his fist, which I hit with my own harder then necessary, and I watched him bite his lip in pain and Pepper stare at me in amusement.
"You look beautiful, Natasha" She smiled kindly, hugging me tightly.
"So do you." I smiled, and she flushed and looked down at her dark blue dress, which had no back.
"It's my favorite dress. The one she wore when we first danced." Tony smiled down at the strawberry-blonde, wounding an arm around her waist. She flushed even more, slapping him playfully on the chest.
"Hey, Hotguy, don't think we forgot about you. You look great in a suit." Tony smacked Clint playfully on the shoulder.
"I hate these monkey suits. There's no movement in them." He smiled back, pulling at his tie in annoyance.
"I couldn't agree more."
Bruce walked up hand-in-hand with a brown-haired, blue-eyed woman who was presumably Betty. She wore a black dress that made her eyes stand out as she looked at the two of us with curiosity.
"Bruce!" I beamed.
"Hi." He smiled shyly. "This is my g-girlfriend, Betty." He motioned to the woman beside him, and she smiled kindly.
"It's nice to meet the two of you." She said in a beautifully rumbling voice.
"It's nice to finally meet you, too." I smiled back.
"These are the two major assassins who helped the fight in New York. Natasha and Clint." Bruce mumbled in her ear, and her eyes widened slightly.
"Oh, wow, this is such an honour!" she sighed, shaking our hands hastily.
"Come, lets sit now, I'm starving!" Tony finally broke the conversation, and we all took our seats at the huge wooden table.
Clint instantly engaged in a conversation with Steve who sat across from him, talking about his trip to Pearl Harbour and autobiography. I sighed, leaning on my elbows and reading the menu.
Seafood, seafood and more seafood. I sighed, and decided to get the Chilli Muscles without the shells and the strongest wine they had. When the waiter came and no one knew what he was saying, I had to translate back and forth whatever they wanted and had to repeat myself often as the boy stood there opened mouthed and staring.
To my utter annoyance, Tony sat across from me.
"So, what have the two of you been up to here in the romantic city of Paris?" he asked, drawing Clint and Steve out of their conversation.
"Shopping, sight seeing, lazing about." I said bluntly.
"Anything, y'know, interesting?" He pressed.
"Look, I know where your going at, and Natasha and I aren't like that. We're strictly partners, nothing else." Clint finally spoke up, eyes stern.
"We think differently." Steve, to my surprise, cut in.
"What do you mean?" I raised an eyebrow, gripping my spoon and holding it up slightly.
"Well, the whole time Clint had been compromised by Loki, all you did was worry about him. I know that's what partners do, but every single action, every word, was for Clint. Even when you were sent to manipulate Loki, Clint was the subject, and we all know for a fact that some of the things said were true." Steve glanced down at the spoon slightly, fear filling his eyes.
"He does not lie. I know where there are strong feelings between people. Back in Asgard, I never believed in true love until I met the fare Jane, and you look at each other the same way I look at her. There is something very strong between the two of you." Thor murmured from beside me, eyes sparkling as he stared into the distance, thinking of his lover.
Bruce and Betty glanced up at each other then, both flushing and looking down at their hands.
"Why are you's all suddenly ganging up on us?" I asked, annoyed that the team of Avengers were able to see straight through me. I had been trained to hide my feelings, yet they were so noticeable.
"We're not ganging up. We are a team, and I think that we should know every single detail about each other. If you two are in a relationship, don't hide it. We don't." Tony motioned to Pepper, Bruce and Betty.
"Tony's right. There is nothing to be ashamed about. We're all family now. We will support any one of you with anything we can. We just need to know what" Pepper mumbled, eyes wide and honest.
"We think it's only fair. The two of you have the privilege of knowing everything about us, by looking into our files at S.H.I.E.L.D or even coming to spy on us and deceive us," Tony shot a glance at me. "So why can't we know anything about you?"
I looked at Clint, who stared back with guilt-ridden eyes. I sighed, rolling my eyes.
"Fine. Look into our files. I'm sure you have already tried hacking into them, but S.H.I.E.L.D has our files under different names. They're too precious for unworthy eyes to see. We'll send and unlock them for you." I said coldly, glaring at Stark.
Everyone stared at the two of us, concerned with my harsh reaction.
"You know, if it's really that big of a deal, I'm sure we can all let it slide and-" Bruce started.
"No. Tony's right. We know everything about you, so you can know everything about us." Clint smiled, but I could tell by his tensed posture that he was uncomfortable with the idea of people knowing about him.
So much red on our ledgers.
"What happened to you, Widow?" Tony asked suddenly. I snapped my attention to him, glaring.
"You used to be kinder, when you came in to spy on me. I don't know if it was an act but when you were in agent-mode, you were completely different. Softer eyes, sweeter voice, even when threatening someone. Now you're cold, stiff, even around Director Fury. I assumed it was because Clint was gone, but even with him back and your free to do as you like, your still that cold woman."
For the first time this night I was speechless. I knew he was right, and I knew it was more than noticeable that I had changed. Clint had questioned me about it countless times, asked why I was so cold. I was sure there was a permanent frown etched into my brow.
I guess that's what tragedy does to you.
I looked around at everyone at the table. They all seemed curious, worried, and I felt like I was being targeted in the group.
"When you lose someone you loved…" I mumbled, just above a whisper. "Everything comes crashing down around you. You can't get away from it."
"Nat?" Clint's hand rested on my own, prying the spoon out of it and twining his fingers in mine.
I glanced up at him, then at Pepper. The two people at this table I really felt comfortable talking with. I closed my eyes, breathing deeply.
"I was going to tell you when you got back from New Mexico when Thor decided to arrive and take you away from me for months." I chuckled coldly, and I felt Thor shift uncomfortably beside me. "Then it happened."
"Then what happened, Nat?" Clint pressed on, leaning forward slightly. I glanced up at him, eyebrows knitted together sadly.
The whole table was quiet and tense, all leaning in to hear my quiet voice. I took a shaky breath.
"I had a miscarriage, Clint."
Everyone froze, everyone gasped, everyone stared at me in shock and sorrow. I gripped Clint's hand tightly as I felt it loosen, and I was too much of a coward to look up at him.
Our food came then, but nobody touched their steamy plates. They pushed them away with a look of disgust.
"Was it mine?" Clint finally choked out, not looking at me. I simply nodded, closing my eyes for a few seconds.
"I'm so sorry." I finally whispered. "It was such a painful loss, I didn't want to bring it up ever again. I tried to forget it but I always blamed myself. I thought of it as punishment for being the murderer I was. And you didn't deserve to have to bear that loss as well." He slipped his hand away from mine and I clutched the edge of the table desperately.
I had been in pain all day. At first I assumed I was going to be getting my period soon, but then I realised that it wouldn't be coming for a very long time. I smiled, placing a hand on my flat stomach but knew something precious grew in there.
All agents were required to have a check up every month for any sicknesses or such, in case it could affect our work and it needed to be cleaned up as soon as possible.
To my utter shock, I was told I was seven weeks pregnant and that a tiny embryo was forming in my body.
I knew I should have been worried, as a child could not fit into the life of an assassin, but I knew deep down and Clint and I could work things out for the child that didn't involve S.H.I.E.L.D taking it away. Coulson would be sure of that.
I had already started choosing names, finally feeling like the woman I was. Scarlett if it was a girl, Jeremy if it was a boy.
So when I had heavy cramps in my lower stomach, it worried me. I knew nothing of pregnancy, so I simply assumed it was one of the things that I would have to go through in the nine months of carrying the child.
I exercised it off, drinking lots of water and taking some panadol to calm the pain, but it continued to feel like something was tearing it's way out of my body inside out.
I chose to go to bed early that night, hoping the pain would go away in the morning. I thought about Clint and how I would tell him the good news, and I thought of his reaction.
It had been one night, one night of sweet love making which we both had wanted for a very long time. And that one night turned out to bloom into something wonderful.
I curled up into bed that night, sleeping in one of Clint's gray shirts that went down mid-thigh, a pair of lacy underwear beneath it. He would be back in a couple of weeks. Coulson had flown in this morning from New Mexico to strategize with Fury about Jane Fosters research and he would be leaving tomorrow afternoon. I hope to talk to him before then.
It had been three in the morning when I woke up.
The first thing I noticed was the soaking wet feeling that pooled around my lower region. I first thought I had gotten my period, but remembered the child. The second thing I noticed was the pain inside of me, and I reached over to the bedside table, turning on the lamp and pulled the sheets aside, only to reveal a pool of blood, fresh and old. I swung my legs off the bed, standing up and being met with another gush of blood, which dripped down my legs.
This couldn't be happening.
I stumbled to the bathroom, leaving bloody footprints behind. My small cabin in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s base smelt of metal, and I doubled over the toilet and vomited drastically.
I didn't know what to do, and I began to sob as another wave of blood gushed out from below.
I grabbed my small S.H.I.E.L.D phone and dialled Coulson's number with shaky fingers.
"Agent Coulson." His voice came over the speaker, and I could hear the tired strain in his tone.
"Phil!" I gasped, wiping away my tears. "Phil, I need your help, please, come down!"
"Natasha, what's wrong?" his voice now sounded worried, and I could hear the rustle of material over the line and the sound of a door slamming shut.
"Just come," I sobbed, looking down at the puddle of blood, which looked frighteningly red against the white tiles.
Not a minute later, Coulson used his key to unlock my door. I stood up, supporting myself on the porcelain toilet to peak through the bathroom door.
He stood there in a dark blue dressing gown; I had never seen him so scruffy looking. He stared in shock at the pool of blood on the bed, then at the bloody footprints on the carpet, and finally to the bathroom. He came running in, eyes widening.
Blood. There was so much blood.
"What happened?!" he nearly yelled, coming up to me, but I pushed him back as I felt more blood drip down my legs.
"My baby… my…my…" I sobbed, and his eyes widened as realization washed over. He gripped my shoulders, guiding me to the shower and turning it on. I breathed in heavily, and he turned around as I pulled off the blood soaked shirt and panties and threw them into the shower. I walked under the hot water, watching as the blood flowed off my legs and washed down the drain, followed by several blood clots, one particularly larger then the others.
I let out a cry in Russian, dropping to my knees.
The child was gone, forever.
I sobbed into my hands. I had never felt so week. The only thing that was purely mine and Clint's, the only thing that ever really felt real to me, was gone.
This was one of the moment's I wished that the Red Room would wash it all away and leave me wondering what that small gap in my memory that I couldn't remember was.
I sat there for a long moment, my sobbing slowing down as I began to control myself once again.
It wasn't even real, I told myself. It felt no pain, it didn't understand what was going on. It died before it was even alive.
I stood up then, another gush of blood pouring down the drain at the movement. I shut the shower down and opened the curtain. There was a towel waiting for me by the sink and some fresh underwear, pyjamas and a sanitary pad. The blood was all gone, and the towel was black so I wouldn't have to see the stains from my legs. Coulson thought of everything.
I got dressed with shaky hands. Coulson chose my favourite sweat pants and jumper for me to wear. This man was like the father I never had.
I looked at myself in the mirror. My curly hair dripping wet and… red. My eyes swollen and puffy and… red.
I growled, punching the mirror and watching it shatter into hundreds of pieces. I felt my hand begin to bleed, and I washed it under the tap, not looking at the blood.
I finally walked out of the bathroom, noticing the towels, which covered my bloody tracks. My bed had been stripped of sheets and mattress alike, and I momentarily wondered where I would be sleeping tonight, but soon realized that sleep would not come.
Coulson walked out of the kitchen with two steaming mugs in his hand, his eyes hard as he nodded to the small lounge and sat down, and I plopped beside him.
He handed me my mug and I hugged it close to my chest, taking a small sip. Hot chocolate with extra sugar, just the way I liked it. I leaned onto his shoulder, resting my head against it, bringing my legs onto the lounge and curling up into him as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder.
"What did you do with the… the…"
"Burnt them." He replied before I finished. "A new mattress is on it's way."
I nodded, taking another small sip and holding back the tears that threatened to spill over.
"Thank you." I finally said, and he squeezed my shoulder tightly in response.
"Was it his?" he finally asked.
"Yes. Yes it was." I choked out.
"Are you going to tell him?"
I thought about this for a moment.
"No. No, he didn't know I was pregnant in the first place, so he doesn't have to know we lost it." I decided.
"Well, your secrets safe with me." Coulson grabbed my now empty cup and placed both of ours on the small coffee table.
"Thank you." I said again. He smiled sadly down at me.
"Should we make a memorial?" he asked, and I laughed sadly.
"One day."
"Did you think of names?"
"I did." I sighed.
"What were they?"
"If it was a girl, it would be Scarlett. If it was a boy, Jeremy."
"Why?"
"Because I know Clint likes those names." I whispered, letting another tear fall off my cheek.
"Maybe one day those names can be used for someone else." Coulson smiled down at me.
"Maybe."
So, tell me what you think, I'm too tired to edit and such so just leave a review and make a girl happy.
P.S I thought it would be sweet to use Scarlett and Jeremy as their childs name because they're the names of the actors who created the two assassins.