Chapter Five: Perfecting
It had been a strange day, it seemed odd to say good-bye to Edward but with dinner nearing completion and with Mr. Winter's reappearance, he couldn't stay. I knew he also had to get back to his family. I wondered if he was planning to share with them the true nature of my history. I wondered if any of them would care.
"Cullen boy," Mr. Winters muttered.
"Yeah," I agreed.
He bit into his chicken with a frown but switched on the TV, and that completed our dinner conversation. The news was on and we both watched the information flash by with little attention paid to it. It seemed quieter somehow with Mrs. Winters absent. Which didn't make any sense considering she didn't provide any additional conversation.
I finished my meal and the TV changed to ESPN and some news about college basketball flashed onto the screen.
I took our plates to the kitchen and came back out with some warm broth in a dish. It was the only thing I could think of that Mrs. Winters might be able to eat. Maybe I should have asked Dr. Cullen some questions, he might have a few tips. I'd nursed my fair share of sick and injured, but my knowledge was hardly what one would consider recent.
Her room was pitch dark, except for the green glow of the clock. I switched on the beside lamp and pulled the chair positioned there closer to her bedside. Her eyes blinked tiredly in the glare from the light, and for a moment she seemed to look at me without any recognition.
"I've got some warm broth," I told her softly.
She frowned at the notion.
I put a small amount of a spoon and moved it toward her tired face. She frowned even more at the idea of being fed, but it was plain that her arms weren't steady enough to manage it.
The quiet felt a bit suffocating, maybe it had something to do with Edward. I'd been talking all day it seemed, and a part me had enjoyed the change. And I really wanted someone to tell about all this. A strange impulse, I suppose, who could I tell? Who would believe this muddled mess?
"I met a boy at school," I said suddenly. I blinked, amazed in an odd way at what I had said.
Mrs. Winters eyes met mine and she seemed interested, or maybe I only wanted her to be.
"His name is Edward," I said, "And he's..." I failed utterly when it came to describing him. He was handsome, strong, fast...all that was true but every vampire would share those descriptions. I didn't want to describe him the same way you could anyone else. "He asks me questions all the time, like he's dying to try and figure me out."
Mrs. Winters let loose a rusty chuckle.
I smiled too, "And he puts on this sour expression whenever anyone even looks at me wrong."
I mimicked Edward's fierce gaze as best I could, but I left out the growling and the fact that it was his brother's murderous intentions that sparked it.
Mrs. Winters wheezed and her hand twitched gesturing to the living room where the TV was still busily reporting the latest Basketball statistics.
"Mr. Winters did to?" I questioned.
She nodded weakly, her eyes going hazy in memory. Whatever she was recalling seemed to make her smile, and her lips mouthed words I couldn't quite understand. Something about a fight, Mr. Winters, a black eye.
I told her more facts about Edward as I spooned the broth, and she answered back with quiet gestures to her husband. But she grew tired before the bowl was half empty, her eyes lost to memory, and I wrapped the quilt around her body as she blinked tiredly. Still she patted my hand in a content gesture, and her amused smile made me wonder what she thought of me and my prattle about Edward Cullen.
When I came out Mr. Winters was dozing in front of the TV. I cleared his plate and switched off the set before going to the kitchen. The dishes were easy and I polished them off while I hummed a soft tune I must have heard somewhere. Which brought to mind the collection of CDs that waited in my bedroom.
It was hard to be annoyed with someone who only had the best intentions... but I was. I've never been good at accepting favors, and I wasn't certain that Alice's generosity didn't contain the bitter taste of charity. Still, when I entered my room that evening it was difficult not to approach the discs and wonder what sort of music was hidden away.
I looked closely at the cases. She had provided a variety of styles, some modern, some less so. I skipped the more popular singers and bands of my supposed generation. Nothing against the music of this age, some of the pieces are poignant in their fury, but I've always been a fan of the classical end of the spectrum: The soft lullaby of a piano, the yearning of a string quartet, the power and complexity of symphonic sound.
My eyes landed on one case in particular that was lying innocently enough on top of one of the speakers. Chopin's Piano Solos. I examined the cover, and found the song listings. My favorite song, the one I had told Edward, was listed as the first track.
Begrudgingly I turned on the CD player and set the volume to a level that wouldn't bother the others of the house. The first low notes began, moving through the room like an undercurrent, and then the sharper cords emerged breaking the stillness as a painful sort of yearning grew in my chest. The feeling felt like it occupied a portion of my lungs, as if I couldn't fully take a breath.
And then Edward was there.
I didn't know how he'd come, or how long he'd been there. It just seemed like I'd turned around and he was there. I wasn't surprised, I wasn't even shocked, although I know I should have been. But it seemed obvious in some way that he would be there.
We stood close, and I wondered how he was baring it. I wanted to look at his eyes and gauge the hunger that he must be feeling, were they black as night? But a part of me didn't want to look, I didn't want him to see me doubting his self-control, or maybe I simply didn't want to know myself. I wanted to trust him.
"There is something I've been wanting to do," he said gently, his voice sounding nervous and unsure."But you have to stand very still," he directed. "Close your eyes," he added softly, as he came closer.
I closed my eyes, and in that blackness I knew the chances. I knew my chances. Maybe my inability to truly die would assay any guilt he might feel at causing my death. But I didn't care if he ripped out my throat, because— and I realized with a start— I did trust him.
No pain came, but a soft pressure, cold and firm tracing the edges of my lips. The contact seemed almost electric and my pulse started to thrum madly. My lips moved on their own as I responded, kissing back with the passion that seemed to spring out of the blackness.
Without sight I embraced my other senses, my lips relished the way his marble lips seemed to move seamlessly over mine. It was hard to breathe, when I did his scent filled my nostrils, a rich invitation. And the taste of his mouth, different from my own, slightly bitter with a metallic trace. And around us, the music continued to play, swirling us up is some beautiful storm.
"Enough," he said softly, pulling away.
Not enough! A voice inside me screamed. How many centuries have I waited to feel this strange connection?
I pushed forward as he drew away, oddly enticed by the way his hands grasped my forearms firmly, the slight pain as he pushed me away. But he was no less finished than I was, I could sense the reluctance. I pushed against his strict grasp, pulling myself closer until our bodies seemed to inhabit the same space. He was so cold, and yet his body possessed the same energy mine did.
"No," He broke our contact with a force that sent me stumbling backwards, he cowered away from me, hunching his shoulders and hiding his face. I didn't need to see his eyes to know they must rival the darkness outside.
I swallowed, what had come over me?
I looked up to see him looking at me with a horrified expression, his gaze focused on my forearms that now were marked with red hand prints from the force of his grip.
"I'm sorry," he muttered, looking more stricken than was deserved.
"Yeah, me too. I didn't mean to make you..."
He laughed deep, but it was harsh sounding, "Make me, as if you could make me." His face broke into a sneer I was beginning to interpret, one of deep inner loathing.
"Don't do this," I said suddenly, feeling angry, "I've waited too long, don't make this seem wrong. I'm not so fragile, remember." I reached out a hand to him, drawing him closer to me.
He seemed unhappy, but followed as I pulled him until he stood next to me again. He was taller than me, enough that I rose on my tiptoes and planted a chaste kiss on his cheek.
"So it really is your favorite," he asked, his voice sounding surprisingly normal now. He gestured to the music when I looked at him in confusion.
I smiled, "Yes, it really is."
"I suppose you heard it played by Chopin," he added with a somewhat mocking tone.
I crossed to my bed as I rolled my eyes, I sat near the head and leaned back on the pillows. "You've got the wrong idea about us," I commented. "Vampires can hold onto money, with us it's a little difficult You know, what with dying. We've never been well funded. Even if I were in Paris when Chopin lived, I'd hardly have been the type to go to concerts."
"What type were you?" Edward asked. He took a seat on the floor and leaned against my bed, his head close to me and my lamp lit up strands of his copper hair.
"The type who wondered where her next meal was coming from," I answered. I followed my impulse and ran my hands softly through Edward's hair, it seemed strangely soft for a vampire. "Marius was always ready for the next fight, we never really settled and lived our lives. Always moving, always on the trail." I sighed. Now that I wasn't with him it seemed a mere annoyance, or something to pity. Living it made me feel angry with the helplessness of it.
"He was that dedicated," Edward asked. I couldn't see his face, but I sensed he was frowning.
"In all the centuries, he's never faltered."
"Sort of commendable really," Edward commented thoughtfully.
"Insane is more accurate," I argued. "He keeps fighting, dying. All to get back at the first vampire who crossed his path. I don't think he's willing to forget and just live, I don't think he knows how anymore."
Maybe sad was a better word to use, I thought with some pity.
"You said the vampire interrupted a wedding," Edward reminded me.
I shifted uncomfortably. "Yes, his wedding."
"He lost the woman he loved?" But it was less a question and more a statement.
I crossed my arms, "He lost his pride."
Edward tilted his head back and examined me, he was trying to figure out my thoughts and I forced my face to be expressionless.
I looked away, "When he was human," I explained, "He and another man both— they felt possessive of a girl. She was the right match, and for whatever reason they wanted to marry her. Marius was strong and powerful, athletic and dedicated. Marcus, his rival, was intelligent and closely spiritual. The girl's father chose Marius and the date for the wedding was set."
"Good for Marius," Edward mused.
"Bad for Marcus," I added with some pain. "He was angry, in his rage, Marcus was convinced that he had been overlooked because he was seen as weaker, and so he went to the temple of his favorite god and brought with him a sacrifice. He plead his case to his god, offering up the slave he brought if only the god would grant him the power to defeat Marius."
The story felt old to me. But at least I remembered it, I didn't parrot the story like some legend as some of the other twelve did.
"A god?" Edward said. I could tell he was grasping the facts quickly enough.
"Marcus was shocked when the statue, cold as ice and hard as marble, seemed to come alive. It was amused by Marcus's tale. But said that the blood from the slave wouldn't be enough, that Marcus would have to offer his own blood as well."
"A vampire," Edward said.
"A very clever one," I commented. "He changed Marcus, made him as he was. And on the day of Marius's wedding, Marcus emerged in his new glory. He thought he'd been made a god."
"He destroyed everyone," Edward finished, his face a frown and his eyes full of pity. I wondered who he felt the pity for, the people who died, Marcus the fool, or for we cursed twelve?
"That wasn't his intent. He went to stop the wedding, to claim his love as his bride. He wasn't anticipating the cost of his new godhood. Because, when he neared the girl he became overwhelmed by the delicious smell of her blood...he drank her dry I'm afraid."
Edward remained silent for a time, but when he spoke his voice was hushed and he seemed to be restraining some sort of emotion, "I can understand why Marius would pledge his life to destroying such a monster."
"Marcus wasn't a monster," I relented, although for years I had thought so. "He was a newborn vampire, filled with thoughts of vengeance, covetous, and without the guidance you had."
"He killed the woman he loved," Edward protested, I could see he was determined to hate Marcus in this tale.
"He didn't love her," I said softly. "Not really. Marius and Marcus fought over things all their lives, this was just another."
I wondered for a moment if Edward would ask the question that I dreaded he would. But the silence dragged on and I began to rest easier. The music still sent waves of melody through the room and the sound began to lull me into a peaceful doze as the struggles of the day caught up with me. I yawned and Edward turned his head at the noise, seeming almost surprised by the sound.
"Humans sleep," he said, seeming to speak more to himself than to me.
"Unfortunately," I commented tiredly.
He rose to his feet and looked at me questionably. I could tell that he didn't want to leave.
"Stay," I offered softly.
He stared at me for a long time and I wondered what he saw. What did I look like to him? He dropped to his knees suddenly, moving in that swift and seamless way that they moved, he put his arms on my bed and rested his head there. I turned, curving my body so that I was facing him, my knees curled up. He raised a hand, and just as I had, he stroked my hair. His fingers were so light I could barely feel the motion. It was very easy to become relaxed, and I felt the tension of the day slip away. My eyelids fluttered closed and I allowed myself to doze.
My lamp turned off and my eyes opened at the surprising darkness.
"Sleep," he encouraged.
I moved closer to him, lying so that his arm was near to my body. A blanket rose up and covered me as I continued to enjoy the simple fact of his presence.
"It's nice with you here," I muttered sleepily.
He silently stroked my hair again.
And the music played softly as I continued to drift into a very deep sleep. I had a strange dream of Edward and me dancing under a faint light. It might have been another time, the pair of us moving with candle light and gowns and crisp collars, it might have been the prom which had everyone at school buzzing. I couldn't really tell because all I could see were Edward's eyes and his smile as he looked down on me.
I woke slowly and hazily, noticing that it wasn't yet light out. I tossed and moved to see my clock.
"It's still late, go back to sleep," Edward's voice said softly.
I followed his voice, but I couldn't see him in the dim light. "Hmm, where are you?"
His cold hand seemed to brush my cheek and I shivered at the chill, he pulled away quickly.
"Come here," I said, sliding over to make room on the small bed. As the silence continued I wondered for a moment if he would. I wondered if I was rushing things. But somehow the idea of sleeping beside Edward was natural and I didn't feel and ounce of shame or guilt for the desire.
The bed creaked slightly and a presence, carefully situated so to not touch me, joined me on the bed.
"Mhmm," I mumbled, "Isn't this more comfortable."
"A little distracting actually," Edward said. His voice lacked the huskiness of sleep.
I chuckled before curling against his shoulder, "Tell me a story," I said. My eyes had adjusted to the light now and I could see the outline of his face. "I told you one," I said remembering our conversation from earlier.
"A story?" Edward seemed confused.
"Mmhm," I sighed, my hands held his colder arm. "A nice one please."
"You sound like a child," he teased. "But maybe you're older than me."
"Hmm, not really. I feel old sometimes, but I'm still just seventeen. Do you feel like that too."
"I always feel old," he said cryptically.
"Sad," I muttered, closing my eyes again.
"You really feel seventeen?"
"I am seventeen," I replied. "Sometimes the other lives seem like a story I heard once. Sometimes I remember them like they happened yesterday. Sometimes I don't even think I really remember all of them. I mean, I remember some, the important ones. But some...they've gotten fuzzy, blended together. It would be hard to remember all I've lived."
"How old...how many lives..." He wanted to know, but I could tell his reluctance.
"Never ask a lady her age," I teased lightly.
"My mother used to say that," He said gently.
His hand was weaving through my hair again, slowly and I was finding it difficult to stay awake.
"My mother, she was different than most mothers," Edward began his voice low and whispering in my ear. "Some things about my human life are hard to remember. I can't remember where my father worked, I can't remember the name of an old dog we had, and the house we lived in seems so dark and unclear. But I remember my mother better than anyone. She glows in my memories. I think maybe she was like me."
"Like you?" I asked sleepily.
"Maybe she could see the future like Alice, or read minds like me. Maybe she was just smarter than people gave her credit for." He trailed off thoughtfully.
"But she used to tell me things, I didn't understand them most of the time. There was one time, even when I became a vampire, I still remembered it clearly.
"I grew up in Chicago, on my tenth birthday, my mother invited the neighborhood children inside for some cookies and lemonade. I'd been busy trying to get a game of baseball organized when a girl from next door, her name was Lucy," he seemed shocked to remember such an insignificant detail.
"She came up to me and offered me a small box of biscuits as a gift. She claimed to have made them herself, just for me, and she..." He seemed embarrassed.
"She gave you your first kiss," I whispered.
"Yes," he rolled onto his side.
It was too dark for me to see him, but I knew he could see me.
"On the cheek," he corrected.
"What did you do?" I asked.
"I told her she didn't make the biscuits, her mother did." He was close to me now, so near I could feel his breath on my ear.
"I could sense things like that, always could tell when people lied to me. She ran home crying. I didn't really understand what I'd done. But my mother came to me and told me something I've never forgotten.
"I said I'd only told the truth. But what was the harm in giving her the moment, she said, Edward life isn't always about the absolute truth, but it's about enjoying the moments of happiness we are given. The moments that are worth remembering. Sometimes I think she knew I was different."
I thought for a moment about the lesson his mother had shared with him, it was wise. And she was right, I'd played many roles, told many lies, but I'd never regretted enjoying the times of happiness when I was allowed them. Living only for the permanence of the future amounted to not living at all. It was better to take the moments when they came, and make them happy while you could.
The silence had dragged on and only the night sounds filled the void. Edward's breathing was nearly nonexistent, he was a silent companion. But the rest of house breathed and creaked, the old pines behind the house were swaying in a soft wind, a storm had breezed it while I'd slept. And the quiet ticking of the living room clock.
"I think...I'll love you, forever," I said softly, allowing the darkness to hide the fear of my confession.
Edward's silence wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be.
I fell back asleep, curled to his side and listening to the rain falling on the roof.
The next morning I felt strangely cold and reached for my blanket, pulling it closer. The process was helped by a cool hand lifting the blanket and raising it over my shoulder.
I blinked, and finally opened my eyes to see Edward's chin inches from my face, my body wrapped around him, my arms holding him almost as if he were a favorite teddy bear.
"Morning," he said with a slight chuckle, my surprise must have been evident.
I untangled myself from him, sitting up in bed and looking around. "What time is it?" I asked, not entirely certain if I should feel embarrassed.
"About seven," he answered.
"Seven," I shrieked, covering my mouth at the sound of it. I flew to my dresser and began throwing about my clothes in hopes of finding something to wear. I'd been planning on doing some laundry today, and I needed to check on Mrs. Winters, and I never had gotten around to doing any homework last night.
Edward once again seemed entertained by my humanity.
"You still have plenty of time to get to school," He informed me calmly.
Boys, I thought irritably. Did they think it took nothing more than throwing on some clothes and eating breakfast to be ready for the day. I'd almost stripped out of my top before I stopped suddenly. My eyes flickered to Edward...who seemed to have stopped breathing again.
"You should go," I said, "You know, change, say morning to your family." I tried to make the order seem a little nicer, but Edward looked slightly relieved to be leaving.
"I'll swing by and pick you up," he told me.
"You don't..."
"I'll pick you up," he repeated. He paused for a moment, "And Alice really would like if you wore something she picked out."
I glanced at my old clothes and then the new ones that now filled the closet.
I couldn't.
When I looked up again Edward was gone, he hadn't used the door, not that I had noticed. I looked around hesitantly before once again looking at the closet of clothes that Alice had chosen for me. While she had good taste, I thought irritably, there were many things that I knew I would never wear. Including a sparkly silver halter top. However a sweater, of a deep blue color made me pause. I touched it almost against my will— it was as soft as I thought it would be.
Mrs. Winters was feeling better today. I could tell because she was awake and sitting up in her usual chair when I left my room.
"Nice sweater," She managed to say, her voice sounding breathy and a little hoarse.
I looked down at the blue top and tried to avoid the cringe, "Thanks," I said masking my annoyance.
"Are you feeling better?" I asked, although my answer was obvious.
She nodded, "I could eat," she said looking toward the kitchen fondly.
"Anything," I answered, not caring for a moment that I might be late for school. Of course with Edwards diving I might be able to make a full breakfast and still make it too class on time.
"Pancakes," she said.
I nodded, "Pancakes it is."
Staring out the kitchen window, I realized the day was nice, the weather was looking better than ever and I wondered for a moment if Edward would be able to go to school today. The rain storm the previous night had broken way to a glorious morning. I pushed open the window that was above the sink and was rewarded with a fresh cool breeze that carried in the heavy scent of the pines behind the house and the musical chirping of the few spring birds who had arrived early.
I mixed together the batter, humming slightly. The first spluttering crackle of the batter on a pan made me feel slightly nostalgic. How long had it been since I'd made pancakes? The soft, almost hidden scent of them as they rose and bubbled.
"Hmm, looks good," Mr. Winters was framed in the door and sniffed the air appreciatively. He too looked to be in a good mood and it seemed for a moment like death had left the Winters house.
"Yeah," I agreed.
Edward arrived while Mrs. Winters was on her second batch, she looked content and the color had returned to her face. Edward's knock seemed to shock my guardians and they glanced at each other before Mr. Winters rose to get the door.
"It's probably just my..." I trailed off as Mr. Winters seemed to ignore my voice and moved to the front door.
"Hello," Edward greeted formally, "Is Bella ready? I came to pick her up."
"Uhm," Mr. Winters grunted, he hooked a finger and gestured for Edward to come in.
Edward looked hesitant but he entered and stood looking out of place in the Winters's living room.
"Are you ready Bella? Or should I…" he trailed of awkwardly. He'd seen the living room before but I realized that he'd never actually met my foster parents.
Mrs. Winters sent me a telling grin, I was suddenly remembering our chat the other evening and I wondered if my face flushed.
"So," Mrs. Winters rasped. "You're the boy."
"Yes, I'm Edward Cullen, it's nice to meet you Mr. and Mrs. Winters."
The atmosphere seemed strangely tense.
"You be a good boy," Mrs. Winters said, raising her eyebrows and looking at him with probing eyes.
For some reason Edward seemed to shift nervously, I had the strange feeling that if Edward could blush his cheeks might be a tad red.
Mr. Winters grunted his approval.
"I'll take good care of Bella," Edward said with a serious nod.
Mrs. Winters seemed terribly amused and I wanted to die, or at the very least bury myself away in a hole somewhere. Edward caught my eyes and his own seriousness seemed to disappear, replaced by the amusement that my human qualities seemed to spark.
"I'll have to do some grocery shopping today," I said, grabbing my bag and following Edward out.
"I'll take her," Edward offered.
Mr. Winters nodded, he dug into his pockets, took out his wallet and handed me some cash.
"Some apples would be nice," Mrs. Winters said from her chair, her own amused face turning back to the television as we were leaving.
When we were out of the house I stayed silent as we got into the car, part of me wondering what to say. I wanted to ask him about this faithful dog routine, but a part of me wanted him there as much as he was...so there wasn't much point in questioning it.
"They seem nice," He said conversationally.
Nice? There had been a time when I wouldn't have thought that. But maybe we were a better fit that even I had thought.
"Yeah," I agreed.
"Nice sweater," he mentioned, just as the engine roared to life and we sped out the Winter's driveway.
I groaned, "I'm changing," I stated firmly.
Edward chuckled as we pulled onto the road, "Too late now."
Arriving at school two days in a row with Edward Cullen seemed to have cemented us into the popular gossip of the school. I caught Jessica's eyes and I didn't need to be a mind reader to know what she was thinking. I wasn't positive how I felt about these assumptions. On one level I was in love with Edward...but we weren't exactly dating. Or were we?
"What are we?" I found myself whispering. It was a question I had asked Edward before.
His amber eyes flickered in my direction, his expression unreadable.
"I mean..." I gestured with my hands helplessly. "If I were to call you my boyfriend." I shook my head, it sounded ridiculous. "That's too weird right," I muttered, I glanced at his shocked expression. "Yeah, what I thought, it sounds..." It sounded wrong in many ways. Edward wasn't just a boy, I wasn't just a girl, in a different way the phrase sounded too trivial for what Edward meant to me.
"I wouldn't mind," Edward said suddenly, he'd been reading my facial expressions again. "If you wanted to call me that..."
I watched him closely, his eyes crinkled slightly and his lips seemed to hold the barest trace of a smile. He was...happy about it.
I bit my lip. "Okay...sounds good."
"Keeps things simple," he added, a touch of that practicality back in his voice.
"Simple," I released a sigh and the notion, "Yeah, best to keep things simple."
I found myself looking forward to lunch once again, when was I not? But today it was for a reason different than I'd grown used to. I actually wanted to see Edward, it was on my mind all day. His face kept drifting across my mind throughout the morning and I found myself remembering the previous night with varying degrees of sanity.
Jessica kept shooting me curious glances during history and I dearly wished that she wasn't quite as intuitive about relationships as she was. Jessica might be failing history, but when it came to sensing changes in the present she was dead on.
When the bell rang at the end of class I thanked my lucky stars for her dismal history grades when she was held back with a few other students to schedule retakes on our most recent test. I bolted through the door intent of reaching the cafeteria, and hopefully the Cullens table before she could catch up with me.
"In a rush?" Edward's voice intruded.
I stopped short, "Er...yeah." I noticed that he seemed to be holding some food and had been headed away from the cafeteria.
"How about eating somewhere else," he offered, "I promise to let you eat."
"Okay," I said hesitantly wondering what he had planned.
We didn't have to go far, Edward cut between two of the buildings and we emerged at the side of the school. I hadn't been this way yet, and looked around wondering what was over here. It seemed that the track and field stadium was over this way, although stadium was a bad descriptor. The land was mostly just a big cement circle track with a few bleachers to one side.
Edward led us to the aluminum bleachers and we climbed to the top where he stopped and settled the food down off to one corner.
"It seemed warm enough to eat outside," he offered doubtfully, temperature was difficult to judge from a vampire's standpoint.
I nodded, a faint cloud cover blocked the sun but the day was pleasant, nearing into the lower sixties with a warm breeze.
He shrugged off his jacket and spread it out on the metal to try and dampen the chill, he encouraged me to sit on it and he straddled the seat not sensing the cold.
"Any reason for this," I asked, looking for some motive. Perhaps he was honestly worried about me not getting enough to eat again.
"Seemed better, and Alice was a little excited. She saw you wearing— "
"Uh," I groaned and bit into the fruit salad he had brought me. "I'm just going to give it all back."
"Don't do that," Edward said with a grin, "That color blue really suits you."
I looked up a little startled by the compliment, indeed his eyes did seem fixed on me and I tried to embrace the attention quietly, suffocating a smile.
I ate my food while Edward continued to look at me, and eventually I started to concentrate on the world around us and his focus faded into the background. Forks High, like much of the town itself was edged by a ring of forests that gradually faded up into the mountains. They weren't mountains of any distinction, no towering impossible height of stone, the land simply rose up, making it seem as if the trees scraped the sky and loomed over the town.
"Tell me a story," he said, my brief glance at his direction knew well enough that he was repeating my sleepy request the previous evening.
"Hmm, a story," I grew thoughtful.
"You must have some, living the lives you have?"
"I told you, some of them are fuzzy," but I concentrated and tried to think of a story that I could tell him.
"This might interest you," I said, it was one of the darker times in my life but I thought perhaps Edward might grasp some of the history of it. "You were born in Chicago, I was there during the Fire."
"The Fire," Edward said, although the emphasis wasn't necessary to anyone who had been there during that time.
"Yep, The Great Chicago Fire," I shook my head at the title history had given it, it hadn't seemed so great at the time.
"Marius had all the twelve, so he decided to go after a vampire that he wasn't fond of. Marius wasn't fond of many vampires, of course, but this one was cruel. He preferred the blood of children you see and..." I broke off seeing the look of disgust on Edward's face, obviously he didn't need anymore visual description. "Marius had been hunting him for lifetimes, been killed a time or two. It was pure luck that we were able to catch his trail that October."
"It was dry night, a dry wind was blowing. The whole season had been dry, we should have left matters alone. But Marius..." I shrugged, staring into the woods. There was no explaining Marius, his dogged pursuits through the centuries denied sense.
"He found him in the poorer district of town, he was in an alley...and he had gotten a hold of a girl, just a little thing. Marius managed to get a flew blows, maybe just his will was strong enough that night...and they tore down a shed to get the wood to start the fire...but it was dry and the portion of Chicago had been made during the lumber boom, everything was wood. The fire spread..."
I remembered watching the flames catch and consume the city.
"We ran like everyone else, and I remember sitting with Marius in a park that had once been a graveyard, and he stayed up all night to watch the city burn."
Edward looked ahead blankly, "My grandfather used to tell me tales about the fire," he sounded a little unsure of this and I remembered that a vampire's human memories could seem dull and hazy after the transformation.
"People called it one of the worst disasters in the century," I said, remembering the headlines that had flooded the United States afterward. I shook my head, "but Marius said it was worth it in the long run, he didn't think of the people who died in the fire...I guess he thought about the children he saved."
Edward nodded, he looked unsure, "Why did you stay with him all this time?"
"I..." words failed, how could I possibly explain what Marius was to me. At times I hated him, other times he seemed to fill up my world with purpose. He had always been there, almost as if the world could wither and die but Marius would still be there.
"He- it's hard to explain. I suppose being alone is hard to bear, as all this time passes. Marius has always been there."
Edward frowned, "You always join him."
"Not me, I don't…" I shook my head. "When he wants to...he find me."
"And you go with him?"
I wondered what Edward was looking for, his expression seemed very penetrating and I'd prefer if he didn't try and dissect the strange relationships inside the twelve.
"I always have," I answered.
"Where is he now?" Edward demanded, once again his tone confused me.
I shrugged, "South of here," I answered, "California I think," I said, although I knew as soon as I said it that it was true. We shared a connection of sorts, I could sense him just like he could sense me.
"And when he comes for you this time?"
I knew what he was wondering now. I wished I had an answer for him, but I didn't. Because if Marius showed up now and told me to come with him...I wouldn't want to go. But would I? Would I have a choice?
"He's six right now," I said avoiding the question. "He won't be able to come for a little while yet."
Edward's gaze didn't leave mine and I decided to eat more of my lunch while the silence hung heavy on us. But the food was tasteless and I had to mechanically chew it. When my eyes flickered in his direction he seemed to be thinking something darkly, his expression had disappeared leaving his face looking less human. Cold. I was reminded of how fragile this emotion inside of me was. Love, a part of me wanted nothing to do with it. Was there a more painful weak emotion?
We heard the first bell ring, there was five minutes until class.
"I don't want to go to school, and you don't need to," I said tiredly. I jerked in surprise when I felt his fingers slid through my hair and run down my back. He wrapped a hand around my waist and pulled me against him. I closed my eyes and held onto this feeling.
It was fragile, but being here tucked in Edwards arms, my heart thrumming and my body alive with tingling sensations. This was being alive, the rest of it was just breathing.
"We should still go," he whispered.
I nodded. "Yeah."
Grocery shopping with a vampire is one of life's unexpected difficulties.
I'm rather speedy when it comes to shopping, in my long existence I didn't want to waste time dithering around with one of life's more annoying chores. It had to be done of course, and my arrangement with the Winters was dependent upon being useful, but that didn't mean that I spent my time composing menus. I'd created a very short list of necessities during one of my afternoon classes and when Edward pulled his Volvo in the local market I anticipated spending no more than thirty minutes collecting the items on said list.
That was over and hour ago and Edward was still analyzing the frozen foods section.
"I gather you don't do the 'shopping' in your family," I provided, moving anxiously from one foot to another.
Edward pulled his gaze away from the frozen dinners to shake his head. "Esme usually does all that, but she's never brought anything like this home." He seemed honestly perplexed as he stared a 'Mighty Meal'.
"Yeah, well...I suppose she's used to actually cooking," I commented, thinking that Esme was likely turned long before microwaves.
"Have you had this? What does it taste like?" Edward pointed to the frozen meals.
"You can live on it," I said absently, trying to slowly push my cart away. "If you want to look I'm going to finish the rest of my shopping," I told him.
He grinned and I momentary forgot what I was mad about, well, almost.
"What else is there?" he asked me.
I showed him the list and was a little pleased that his pace had increased some, although his gaze did linger for longer than needed on some of the newer food choices available.
"Miss eating?" I asked him.
He gazed at a jar of marinara sauce, "I little, I suppose. It's sort of hard to remember what eating food was like. But I'm certain we didn't have all...this."
I laughed, "The plus side of being born in many different lives is that I've lived all over the world. Grown up eating all kinds of food."
"How does that work?" Edward asked pensively.
"Well," I said thoughtfully, "It's difficult to explain. You die...I remember dying...except when we walk toward the light, you know, like humans always say...well when we get there it's..." I shook my head. "It's like we're born...but everything is hazy at first."
"Can you be born anywhere..." Edward trailed off.
"No...we tend to be born in clusters I suppose. Close to each other. If I died today I'd probably be born somewhere near Marius. It's like we're tied together in some way."
Edward stared blankly, and once again I was at a loss to what he was thinking.
"We should go," he stated and his expression shifted again. He seemed to tilt his head in a manner almost like he was listening to something that was in the distance. Perhaps he was, still it was slightly irritating to have Edward hurry up our shopping trip when thus far he had been the only hindrance.
Still, I had finished my shopping and was making quick conversation with the checkout clerk while Edward stood silently beside me. His gaze kept drifting to the door, and I had the odd suspicion that he was apprehensive about something.
He seemed to have settled himself with the inevitable when an older man in a wheelchair rolled his way into the market. I couldn't understand the slight frown this man created in Edward. He was a in his forties with well worn laugh lines ringing his eyes and mouth, his black hair was streaked with a little gray and hung about his shoulder. He seemed to be part of the local tribe and necklace he wore around his neck bore some of the carving ornamentation that they were famous for.
He flirted jocularly with a middle-aged woman who handed him a cart, but the warmth left his expression as Edward and I passed him, heading toward the parking lot.
I felt slightly exposed, as if the man's dark eyes followed us the entire length of the pavement, and even once we had settled in his Volvo.
My gaze shifted to Edward, but I didn't want to ask him what it was about. So I turned the radio to a classic rock station that featured songs from the fifties and allowed the music to drown my worries away.
After a mad dash through town, Edward brought me safely back to the Winter's home. A loud drilling noise was coming from Mr. Winter's shed, so I knew where he was.
"I should probably," Edward gestured in the direction of his house and I understood.
I nodded and then felt unsure what to do next. Edward was standing next to me, looking down at me. Normal human gestures seemed to be a problem for both of us, but Edward cautiously raised his hand and slid through my hair, along my shoulder and then down my arm, his cold hand grasping the fingers on my hand for only a moment.
I closed my eyes, enjoying this brief touch, before he was gone and back in his car.
"Later," he said. But the word didn't possess the casual quality uttered by most teenagers, and I felt the promise in his words.
I walked inside as I heard his Volvo speed away, the tires hitting the road and the noise vanishing. I set my backpack down and carried the few necessities I'd purchased to the kitchen. When I came out I was somewhat surprised to see Mrs. Winters awake, settled in her recliner and watching TV. She looked like she'd been waiting for me and nudged the other chair with her foot when she entered.
"School?" she asked in her brief way.
I shrugged, what was school ever like?
"Cullen boy seems nice," she said, her voice was a little less husky and I wondered if the latest trip to the hospital might have done her some good.
"Yeah," I agreed politely.
"You be careful," she stated with a tired way, "You wouldn't be the first girl to get pregnant and ruin her life in this town."
I struggled not to cough or choke, anything to not reveal the shock her words had been to me. Mrs. Winters seemed full of surprises, I hadn't been expecting the sex talk. Sadly she was several hundred years too late.
"Oh I know, he seems to love you," she said, "but don't go and do what he wants just for that. Be smart. Men like to work for it anyway."
How could I explain that having sex with Edward had never even crossed my mind? Perhaps I knew it could never happen, and that alone had blocked such ideas from appearing.
"I'll remember that," I said instead.
She nodded, shifting her focus back to the television.
I decided to spend a little more time on dinner tonight, just on the off chance Mrs. Winters wanted to discuss anything else equally as embarrassing. She had mentioned wanting apples this morning so I sliced one thinly and brought it out to her before hurrying back to my task.
Later that evening, as I cleaned the dishes, I couldn't help but reflect on Mrs. Winters advice. Was it really strange that I hadn't considered that? I'd even slept next to Edward, and somehow the idea of us making love had never been a thought. Part of it involved the physical limitation, Edward could probably bench-press his Volvo if he so chose. I wasn't quite as durable.
But another part of me wondered if I hadn't considered the topic for another reason.
I closed the washing machine door with a snap and refused to continue that line of thought.
Maybe the answer was as simple as...well, in all honesty, sex wasn't crucial. Teenage hormones might say differently, television, movies and music might say differently, but my centuries knew something that such short existences couldn't. That while sex could feel amazing, and while it might be a way to feel the intensity of passion and heat. But the love of lifetimes was based on deeper moments. And things like brief gestures, touches and looks, could possess romance.
And for me, romance was enough.
"Night," Mrs. Winters said softly. Her day filled with energy had left her lethargic and she lay curled in blankets in her chair. Her breathing was heavy again, still I couldn't help but hope she had another day of health tomorrow.
I smiled to show I had heard her words."Goodnight," I added as I crossed down the hall and into my room. The television flickered in the dim light and I left the Winters to their time alone. I wondered how many evenings they had spent like this, nestled in their silence, the slow comfort of each other's presence.
That was the thing that I had always admired about love, not the intense passion or the blinding energy, but the steadiness it could take. Not much in my life had ever been steady, not even among the twelve.
So, perhaps there was a part of me that knew Edward would be waiting for me when I got to my room. It made a much sense as knowing that the sun rose in the east.
"Does your family miss you?" I couldn't help asking. The Cullens seemed unusually close for vampires.
Edward seemed to pause and take my question seriously. "Esme wants to know why you can't come over for dinner again," he supplied instead of answering directly.
I took that as a yes, "Maybe if I planned on a day I could make the Winters's dinner early. Although I'm not certain I can trust Mr. Winters with operating the stove."
"What about those frozen dinner things?" Edward asked, recalling our trip to the grocery store.
I shrugged, "If they had that, then they don't need me." I said it partially sarcastically, but the part that knew it was true must have shown on my face. Either that or Edward was getting better at reading my expressions.
"You really think that don't you," he stated, soundly slightly amazed.
I decided to ignore that line of questioning, "Maybe I can arrange something this week? Over the weekend?" I planned thinking of how late in the week it already was. "Or next week."
My life shifted like the sand. Promises like this, what did they mean anyway?
"I might have to hold you to that," he stated.
The night wore on in a manner that was so typical that it seemed strange. I settled at my desk and did my homework while Edward fiddled with the music Alice had brought for me. He liked to pick certain songs and then would deftly take them out once his favorite tune had stopped playing and quickly insert another.
He had an eclectic taste and I began to wonder if he was a musician of some sort, he was utterly focused on the music when it played and occasionally I'd see his fingers flicker subconsciously, moving to the beat of the song as if he were playing.
"Piano?" I asked, finally deciding on the imaginary instrument he was using.
His gaze flickered up and he seemed to catch himself, "That obvious?" he asked.
I shrugged.
"You play?" he asked.
I shook my head and turned back to the math homework I'd been fiddling with.
"With all that time?" He wondered aloud.
I suppose he still couldn't quite understand. For vampires their long existences served as a perfect way to perfect certain skills and talents. My life or lives, as it were, created a more fractured picture of immortality.
"The twelve aren't exactly classically educated," I evaded.
"You call them the twelve, who are they?" he asked. He had settled himself on my bed and was leaning against the wall, his face oddly serene.
"The twelve," I said simply, as if they had always been and always were. In my mind that was how I saw them.
"So…twelve others like you?" he asked, a frown was on his lips and he seemed to be thinking.
"No," I corrected awkwardly.
"Marius has the ability to have his will done." I explained. "He didn't know it the first time around, it didn't show up much except as a tendency for him to get what he wanted. He was just lucky like that. It isn't particularly strong, except in the last moments of his life. All those years ago, the pledge he swore, he swore that 'he and his' would never rest until vengeance was served. His. It's an important line that would have been better left out.
"Most are his children. Sons. For some reason it only sticks with the sons, we never figured out why. At first he didn't know what was happening, how could we? But after awhile we learned that Marius's sons bear the same curse he placed on us. The others of us are those bound to him in some manner. Bound to him during his first life."
"Why only ten others?" Edward asked practically. "He could make his own army couldn't he?"
I paused and tried to contain the feelings of horror that that concept created.
"No," I said vehemently, my disgust must have been obvious. "Marius is driven, but he would never doom anyone else to these lives we live. It's the twelve, and has been for centuries."
I'd extracted that promise from Marius once long ago. It had been the only time I'd threatened to leave him. To turn my back on him. But he had promised, and we had remained twelve.
Edward seemed unhappy about the finality in my tone, but I turned back to me homework and promised myself I wouldn't get into this with Edward. I didn't want him to know every story in my past. Why make trouble with what couldn't be changed? Why worry about a future that was insubstantial. It was better to enjoy a present that was rich and ripe with promise.
"I'm going to take a shower," I told him, grabbing my pajamas. It would be a good excuse to have a human moment away from him. Last night hadn't been the first time I'd slept in my clothes but it wasn't something I'd prefer.
Of course pajamas might be an exaggeration of my night ensemble, which consisted of an oversized tee and some boxer shorts. But the shower had been a wonder and I enjoyed how my body felt, smooth and fresh. Showers were certainly one of my more favorite modern inventions.
As I neared my room I noticed he had shifted back to classical. Andante by Rachmaninov, if I was any accurate judge. The slow steadiness of the early piano, light and tender, then the brokenness of the sound as it climbed in intensity.
I toweled off my hair as I entered, feeling oddly embarrassed to be dressed as I was.
"Is that-" I'd intended to ask if my musical assumption was correct, but the expression on his face stole the words from my mouth.
Edwards eyes had darkened considerably and he seemed to take in my form with a predatory gaze I thought had left him. He was next to me too fast, his arms wrapped around me, his hands grabbing my shoulder blades. He pulled me close to him, his nose sliding along my temple, his hands sliding down my back.
"Edward," the intensity forced my voice to tremble.
But it wasn't fear, as I had expected. This strange attraction he had for me worked both ways, and even as he pulled me closer I felt my body take him in, even as his face moved down the soft skin of my throat, his nose trailing softly to the nape of my neck.
He groaned, and briefly, so briefly I wondered if it had happened, he pressed his lips to my throat.
"You smell…" he trailed off.
I tilted my head so that our eyes met and the he shied away from looking at me, hiding the desire I'd already seen in his eyes. It seemed that me, the scent of me without all the chemicals that humans used to alter their scent was more powerful than I had anticipated.
The closeness must have been torture to him, and yet I still found myself amazed at his ability to refrain from hurting me. Even his hands, their pressure was still gentle and not crushing.
"How do you do it?" I wanted to know, needed to know, because it still amazed me.
He didn't need my question explained. "I want to," he answered darkly, "But I can't. Even with your…" he trailed off unsure how to categorize my difference.
I wasn't certain if I wanted it explained in any more depth. Maybe the fact that he was stopping himself mattered more than the reason why.
"I should probably go," he said softly, his nose resting at my temple. "You smell too good tonight."
I chuckled, "Coward."
He laughed too, and pressed a kiss into my forehead, "It's not me I'm worried about."
But his hand rested on my shoulders for a moment, and I looked up into his unsure eyes.
"I won't be able to be at school tomorrow," he told me, there seemed to be some concern on his features. "Alice says to expect a sunny day."
"I'll be fine, it's Friday. I can't get into too much trouble." I told him, picking up on the issue that must have caused his eyes to be narrow with worry. "I've done fine on my own."
Edward seemed to doubt this, "Ever lived long enough to die of natural causes?" he asked.
I thought for a moment, "Nope."
He sighed.
"Go and have a nice day," I encouraged him. "Go- hunting." I was suddenly certain that must be how they spent the days when the sun came out. The mention of hiking that the other students of Forks mentioned must be cover for more necessary activities.
"I'll miss you."
"What will you miss?" I asked honestly curious.
"I'll miss your silence," he said, once again pressing his face into my hair.
And then he was gone.
I collapsed on my bed until the fluttering palpitations of my heart stopped and my mind was able to realize how long it had been since someone missed me. Anything about me. Even my silence. The twelve never missed anyone. Time was different for us. It spanned on forever, there was no missing, there was no chance of losing, not among ourselves. I closed my eyes and relished how perfect everything was.