Chapter 20! Summer. Unexpected visits, uncomfortable conversations, and explanations. Neither of them expected this day to take the turn it did.
This is the chapter that really hung me up. It's been three weeks in the making and I've rewritten it like five times. Some of the alternatives were really... out there. Anyway, this one's set in summer and I like to think it's pretty interesting. More on it at the end.
In other news, I broke the 100 page barrier! So happy~
As always thanks and smiles to PandaWong, SandyLovesKittens, XenaHades, nightworldangel, FonzFan, The Yoshinator, Isa'ralia Faradien, Lost Astronaut Of Apollo 11, Readergirl99, DrainaPurpurne2412, sara253xxx, XenaHades, innocentrini, FangScarlet, Beesy, Sevre and anonymous reviewer Bree.
Chapter 20 – Little Miss Sturdy
Today was unusually hot for Ireland, even in the summer. It was at least ninety outside and while Lauren liked the heat she found herself more partial to the cool air conditioning of the inside at current. She'd been out an hour before, a quick walk with a few of her neighborhood friends both magical and non, and was now laying sprawled across the couch of her family living room.
She was turned towards the tv and focused solely upon her game of Super Mario bros. Fifteen minutes previous she'd been playing with her mother but the woman had to run off to her shift at the library leaving Lauren to play alone.
She frowned, swearing quietly under her breath when a door down in the basement banged open and made her drive Mario off a cliff. That was her last life. She'd have to start over.
Sitting up she pouted at the dark skinned man who came banging through the door from the lowest level of the house. He seemed a touch rushed, like he'd just remembered he had something important to do, which he probably did, and also a little haggard. She wondered if he'd slept last night or if he'd stayed up working. What a bad habit!
She kept the pout, waiting, and he looked around, saw her, blinked, then gave a cheerful smile.
"Didn't know you were back pet. Ma gone?"
"Yes." She frowned and crossed her arms. "You made me loose da."
"Sorry" he chuckled. "Suppose it would be bad 'a me to ask a favor then?"
She sighed then smiled at him. "Go on."
"Got a delivery for you. I'd take it mahself but I'm late to the Ministry. Hows about it?"
"How much?"
"Two?"
"Five."
"Three."
They stared each other down, brown to green then she sighed. "Okay, fine. Take me to lunch tomorrow?"
"A course" his smile was as jovial as ever as he came to the back of the couch and petted her hair fondly. "Where ever ya want a'right."
She grinned back at him and quit her game, standing with a stretch from her previous position. He summoned a brown paper bag, folded shut and tapped with a note on the front, then shoved it into her hands.
"There ya go" he smiled and started out of the room, grabbing up a bag by the door. "It's not a local so just use the floo, I should be back in time for dinner but if not ya can head over next door or somewhere."
"Right, but where-"
"Love ya pet" he called and then disappeared with a loud pop.
"Where do I take this?" she finished with a sigh. How was she supposed to do this job if she didn't know where the package went? Or to who? It was rather rude to just floo into some strangers house unannounced and not knowing their name.
She looked the bag over and read the note.
For: S.S. Five ashwinder eggs, frozen in jar.
Price: 20 g
Deliver to Spinners End
She frowned. That was all she had? Really? With a huff she walked up to the floo and grabbed a hand full of powder from the bowl on the mantle. She'd just call in first, make herself known, then pop in, deliver, and come on back.
She threw it down and spoke what little information she had "S.S. Spinners End" and hoped it would be enough.
A green flame was produced and, rather nervously, she stuck her head into it.
"Hello?" she inquired, looking around with rather limited vision at the sitting room before her, dark and cramped and lined with books.
"What is it? Who…" A rather sharp and demanding voice barked out at her from the shadows then trailed off as a familiar figure came into view.
"Professor?" she asked.
"Ms. Dari? How…" he seemed stunned, speechless, she'd enjoy it if she wasn't in the same state herself.
A few moments of silence ticked by and she managed a soft "Da sent me."
"Da… Your father?"
"Y-Yeah. Maxus… You've got a order right? Five ashwinder eggs?"
"Ah… Yes I do."
"Should I pop over?"
He hesitated. "Yes."
She pulled her head out of the flame, let it burn out, grabbed another handful of powder, stepped into the floo, and was whisked away.
The landing was a little hard, like usual, and she almost fell down. Somehow she managed to stumble with limited grace out of tight space and into his sitting room, falling rather unceremoniously onto her knees a moment later, winded. Not necessarily because of the fall either.
He stood a little ways away, in front of a threadbare couch, arms clasped tight behind him, gaze set. That wasn't what surprised her. What surprised her was how downright sexy he was with his hair pulled up out of his face in a low ponytail, the first three buttons of his white shirt undone, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. Obviously he'd been working on something prior to her arrival and decided she quite liked the sight of him as a working man.
Her face warmed quickly with a dark blush and she looked away, holding out the bag clutched in her hand.
"H-Here ya go."
"Thank you" he murmured, swallowing thickly as he stepped forward and took the bag from her hand.
He turned and set it on the small table then returned to her side and held out his hand, silently offering to help her up. She took him up on his offer and smoothed down her wrinkled clothes afterwards, tugging down her tank top with a small mark of embarrassment as she realized it had ridden up her belly.
She was further embarrassed when she realized exactly what she was wearing. She didn't know why, it wasn't anything indecent, but suddenly her blue tank top felt too tight and sheer and her shorts felt too short. She'd worn this outfit all day with no problem but now that he was around she felt practically naked and wished she'd thrown on some long johns or something, anything to keep her from feeling so exposed.
She hadn't known she'd be seeing him. Even as she stood there she didn't know if she wanted to see him. He'd just disappeared right near the end of the year and she lost a months' worth of memory. She wondered if it had been from the shock of Dumbledore dying or something more, something concerning him and she wanted to ask but she didn't know if she really wanted to know. What if the answer was something she didn't want to hear?
"How have you been?" his cool voice broke her out of her thoughts and she looked curiously up at him, taking a moment to process the question.
A slight shrug of her shoulders preceded her sigh of "fine… A little bored" and her slight smile. "It's hot over in Ireland for once. Sorry about my clothes." She blushed again. "How about you?"
He frowned and looked away "busy… How has your memory been?"
That was blunt. She bit her lip and swayed a little from side to side, nervous. "I lost a month… I think… Maybe more."
His frown deepened and she felt her stomach sink. She felt bad that he seemed to feel bad.
"I haven't tried to think back too far" she supplied, hoping to ease his obvious concern. "But I can still remember Christmas and up till about February, things start getting a little fuzzy around March. Maybe I just didn't do anything worth remembering then."
A slightly forced smile quirked her lips and she looked down again at her worn shoes, different from the usual black ones she was required to wear at school. It was odd being out of uniform like this even though she'd been casual around him plenty of times before. It was just different though, different maybe because this place was unfamiliar and, in a way, he was unfamiliar. He was still an enigma, even more than before. Where had he gone and why?
She wrung her hands together and he watched her intently, sifting through her memories and thoughts slowly, carefully. The thoughts on the surface threw him, her musings about him, her opinion of his current appearance, her current appearance, his leaving. Deeper in he found glimpses of her summer, an overall pleasant affair, and when he came down into the last months of school he found small barriers and fragments of memory partly destroyed. The farther he pressed back the more he found locked away and after a time he came to nothing but white, a blank that terrified him and made him pull out and away from her mind as quickly as he could.
She was still just standing there when he came away and he looked away from her, not sure how to continue.
"What happened?" she asked, prompting him. He inhaled sharply and pointed her toward the couch.
"Take a seat."
She did as he asked, shuffling over to the couch quickly. She landed with a soft thud and shifted a little, it wasn't particularly comfortable but it would do. She was sitting across from him at least, could watch him as he sat and crossed his legs, folded his hands like he often did when thinking. What was he thinking?
She shifted again and looked down at her lap, the intensity of his gaze making her fidget.
"Do you really want to know?" he asked finally, the chill in his voice making the hair on the back of her neck stand on end.
She swallowed hard and nodded "yes please."
He leaned back in his chair, settling himself, and watched her solidly. He would tell her if she wanted to know but he didn't know how much of this knowledge she would retain or if it might set her off. He would tread carefully, start with something she obviously knew… perhaps let her ask the questions.
"Dumbledore was murdered."
She nodded, this was common knowledge at this point and she shifted again, obviously not content. "Did you do it?"
He was surprised by her frankness and took a pause before saying "no."
"Draco?"
"No."
She frowned.
"We are not sure who did it… I was going to but we were attacked. One of the assailants committed the crime."
Her frown deepened and she tapped her fingers nervously together. She clearly did not like that answer but didn't dwell on the matter. "Was I there?" she questioned instead.
"Yes." And he elaborated no more past that.
A long silence stretched between them as she tried to think of something to say, her next question or statement, anything to fill the quiet. She tried to remember the incident, that night, and was met with nothing but a blank and a slight buzz in her head. Did she really want to know any more than that?
She swallowed again and leaned forward, green eyes meeting black with a stony seriousness. "Did I do anything… Strange?" she asked. Her heart hoped it wasn't the case but it was the only thing she could think of that might make her blank out so severely, she must have opened too much.
She saw him stiffen in his seat and nod slowly. "Shadow men" were the only words out of her mouth.
She sighed, looking down at her lap, and toed off her shoes so she could pull her knees up to her chest. She wrapped her arms around them and pressed her face into her smooth skin. "I'm sorry" the words came out muffled.
"You have nothing to be sorry for... May I ask a question?"
"I don't know if I can answer it but sure."
"How did you do that?"
She smiled a slow, sad smile and looked him in the eyes again. "Have you ever heard of an Alice? Or the Alice? Her adventures in Wonderland?"
"The children's story?" he deadpanned.
"It's a little… a lot more than that actually. More like a documentary really. A historical fiction since some of the characters are made up, and the names of places are a little wrong. It's Other Land, not Wonderland, for instance."
"It's real?"
"Very real. And very dangerous… The shadow men came from there. I called them."
"How?"
"I opened."
He shifted this time, mulling over a question he'd kept to himself for the last two years. "What does it mean for something to be open or closed?"
She pursed her lips and he wondered if it was something she could not explain. She didn't seem distressed but she was extremely pensive.
"It's like… Um…" she let her legs down and crossed her arms, thinking. "I haven't explained it in years… Uh… Think of my mind like a hall full of doors. Behind each door is a memory of something, a word, a skill, an event, when the door is open the memory is there for me to see any time. When something is closed" her lips pursed again and she gave a thoughtful hum. "It's complicated then. Sometimes the doors lock and I can't get through without hurting myself, I can't get through even if I do. That only happens to things having to do with Other Land, or things that are traumatic… Also any time I go to the white… Have I told you about the white?"
"In a few words yes."
She nodded. "All those things close, and lock. Some things are just closed and I can open them if I try hard enough but it always hurts… It's better to let them open back up naturally. Sometimes after something happens too much closes, I lose things like words and names. They usually open up again later, or I re learn them, but it can be troublesome… Your gift helps with that" she smiled softly.
A slight smile quirked his lips too but quickly vanished. "Does that mean those shadow men were memories? How would you project them?"
"Ah" she smiled sheepishly. "I explained that badly. My mind has an open and a close and so does my body. If they were physical my body opened. I became a gate from Other Land to… where ever it was that we were. It's very hard to open like that, it can make me sick… It could kill me really… The act is an abomination" she sighed.
"What makes you say that?"
"Other Land is a parallel to the land of the dead, it's like a stop in Limbo, or the final stop for some who really like it… The reason I can't remember drawing from there, why no Alice can remember, is because it's against the way of nature to be living and yet drawing from the dead, the other. It's wrong to be able to walk both planes and that's why it's so traumatizing. Our bodies perceive anything from the other world as a threat to our lives, so do our minds. That's why I shut down and go to the white, my mind can't take it. If I was any more conscious of the things I do, can do, have done, I might go crazy, it might break me. It could break anyone really. The mind isn't made to comprehend that level of ascension while alive… Or awake at least."
He let that sink in for a long while then let his scholarly half get the best of him. "Does that imply your capability to retain information about this world while asleep?"
She smiled again. "You're such a smart man. Dreaming is how many, if not most people cope with their scattered thoughts and such. Alices cope and deal with Other Land while dreaming. We take on new personas and watch our domains, organize them, build up our kingdoms."
"Can you remember these dreams?"
"Most of the time. It's the only way we know any of it exists and even then we occasionally question our sanity… It does seem pretty crazy doesn't it?"
She gave a sad laugh at that and looked away. It had been a while since she'd explained this to anyone, at least six years now, and she felt so awkward, so different. No one in her family, and it was only her family who knew, ever made her feel bad about it. Two of her cousins had abilities close to her own as did her grandmother and oldest aunt, but she was the only true Alice and it was so strange. She felt… wrong.
"Lauren."
His voice brought her from the depressing spiral of her mind and she regarded him with another shy look. She did not feel herself, had not for quite some time but only noticed it now in his presence. There was something about him that always accentuated her true nature, her open heartedness, and with him gone for so long she'd drifted into the closed off person she reverted to when worried or when looking not to worry others. She would not have told anyone else these things, she should not have told him, but he compelled her to, not just with words but with his entire being.
His eyes were deep and searching, and commanded truth, his voice that sultry tone, softened for her benefit.
When he unfolded his hands and uncrossed his legs she wanted nothing more than to move into his open embrace and feel safe. She wanted to be secure for the first time since he left, wanted to know nothing but that he was there and that he would protect her because some deeper part of her mind, some part covered by the white, was still able to touch her subconscious and tell her he would.
After his initial address silence stretched between them, he watching her and she him. Nervously she pressed her hands together, fingers playing about each other, and wondered if he would say anything more. She wanted him to but she didn't know what.
"Do not return to Hogwarts."
She gave a start at his words, head snapping up. Whatever she wanted him to say it wasn't that and she felt her throat constrict as she forced out the word "why" quietly.
"If it is details you want you will not get them. Simply know that things may be coming to a head this year and I-" he caught himself and then continued somberly. "It would be unfortunate for you to be put in harm's way" he also avoided adding 'again' to the end of that.
"It'll be dangerous?" she asked, wide eyed.
"Yes."
He watched her gaze fall again, to her lap, and recalled the years before when she would always hold his gaze. In some ways he found that her looking away meant she trusted him, meant she was comfortable enough to keep her eyes off him and bare herself and emotions. While in many people a look away was hiding, in her it was sheer exposure… He wished she wouldn't do that, wished she didn't trust him. It would make these things so much easier, would take from him the immense worry for her wellbeing, the feelings he'd grown for her that were still uneven and unnatural and painful most of all. He did not want to feel as he did, did not want to because the only other person he had felt this for had died…
"I'm going then" she finally said and he found his eyes met with green ones, shades away from those of his first love but still so beautiful.
They were filled with a tumultuous storm of emotion, one he knew he would be hard pressed to quell, but he had to try. His own gaze hardened and he folded his hands again, regarding the small young woman on his couch, being defiant.
"And why, pray tell, would you go and do something as foolish as that?"
"It would be foolish of me not to go" she shot back quickly.
"Oh?"
"Yes."
She held him in her sights, level in face though her heart hammered frantically against her ribs and her lungs felt full of led. She was terrified, so scared for her life, but she couldn't let him know.
"Ms. Dari-"
"I can't just abandon them" she cut in, taking note of the fact that she was Lauren when he sought to comfort and Ms. Dari when he wanted authority. "My friends I mean, it's not fair that they'll be there and I won't, that they'll have to suffer or fight or whatever it is they'll have to do and I'll be home, safe and sound."
"You should concern yourself more with your own wellbeing Ms. Dari. Twice now this regard for others has-" he stopped himself this time. What was he going to say? That she had broken herself, hurt herself, made herself sick? He didn't know what name to put to it and he did not want to inadvertently cause her pain by making her think of these things.
Thankfully she came in again, just as he paused, looking at him with a steely sadness in her eyes. "It doesn't matter."
"What?"
"I… I don't matter… Not as much as they do anyway. And I'm sturdy, I can take it, I-"
"Stop" he admonished rather far more harshly than he'd meant to, voice rising with a bubble of anger in the pit of his stomach. She flinched and shut her mouth, pulling back into the couch as he stood suddenly and advanced on her small form.
His body shadowed over her blocked out all the dim lighting of the room. His hands pressed just above her head on the back of the couch, she blinked up at him as he lowered himself closer to her face.
"Listen to me" he said in an angered hiss, face just inches from hers now. "never say that. Never say that again. Do you understand me? Swear to me that you will never say that again. Foolish thoughts like those ones, foolish words, are what get idiot girls killed. You may think you are being a noble martyr but you are nothing but stupid and you will…" he trailed off, taking in her fearful, heartbroken appearance and leaned back slightly. "You will only destroy yourself."
She trembled under him and looked away from his burning, black eyes. His words hurt her more than they scared her but they didn't hurt enough it seemed. She still found the strength to plow on, trying to make her point clear. She began to stutter. "I… I'm only telling the truth-"
He seized her by the front of her shirt and shook her harshly, making her gasp.
"The truth? Hardly Ms. Dari. You are lying to me blatantly. You are fragile and you know it, twice now I have seen you broken… Yes, broken is a proper word for it. I have seen your mind shattered and blankted in this thing you call the white. And do you know what that has done to me?"
"No" she whimpered.
"Of course you don't. You do not consider me when you go off, traipsing about with Potter or Malfoy, but let me enlighten you." He released her and stood straight, tall and imposing as he towered above her.
"You drive me mad with worry. You terrify me because I do not know if you will be alright. When I see you broken as you have been I fear you will not come back whole, that your mind will be lost. I can mend a body Ms. Dari, but a mind is irreplaceable and you are wearing yours down… You are destroying yourself and I…" he swallowed thickly. "I cannot bear to watch it."
His eyes searched hers and he was struck to see them swimming with tears. Perhaps he really was reaching her, perhaps he could convince her now, to stay away from Hogwarts, from Harry and Draco, from himself. He plowed on though her eyes begged him not to, though he did not want to. He couldn't stand to bare his soul in this way but he had to. She needed him to, he needed to. Resting a hand on the top of her head he breathed out a long sigh. He needed a measure of calm for his next question, or wanted it at least. He wanted to make her aware of his sincerity, convey to her the feelings he could not properly express.
His hand trailed down, palm coming to a stop on her cheek. He tilted her face up towards him and stared into her imploring, swimming eyes. All her feeling was conveyed through those eyes, all her hope and all her fear. She was open, even without legimancy, she was bared to him and begging him not to hurt her, not to cast her away.
He thumbed away a tear that escaped the corner of her eye and gave her a look that pushed forth all his sincerity and feeling, all of his own desperation.
"What am I to do if you die?"
And he couldn't believe he'd said that. It was something he'd thought certainly but never something he should have said, would have said if she was not the one sitting there with that sad look on her face. He was not a man to vocalize these thoughts, they made it seem like he cared, but much as she was open to trusting him he seemed compelled to be honest with her, had always been. As he thought back he realized that he had never lied to her directly. Perhaps he had told half-truths or refused to give information, but he did not lie, he could not because to do that would be to break her trust and her fragile being.
He felt her trembling again, not just her hands but her whole body. His words had shaken her and she looked away, leaning her cheek into his touch as his words bounced about in her head. A sad smile slipped onto her face and her eyes closed, squeezing out a few more of those nearly stoppered tears.
"Forget and move on."
He stiffened. "What?"
"Dying young… It's been a possibility ever since I stepped into Other Land all those years ago. If I die… If I die I'll make sure you forget. I don't want you to hurt, Severus." She turned her face into his hand and kissed his palm and he wanted to do nothing more than weep, the urge so strong as wave after wave of terrible despair washed over his mind. It was the first time she had ever used his given name and she said it with such gentility, such tenderness. He realized he was fighting a losing battle as soon as she said it, that she would not succumb to his will this time, that she would come along and face the evil that awaited regardless of what he said.
"I'm sorry if I've been a cause of pain." She continued and this time it was he who wanted her to stop talking. "But I can't forsake all the people I love just because I'm scared… And I am terrified. Far more than you know."
He doubted that, he was sure he could gauge her level of terror, just as immense as his own not at the prospect of death or torture at the hands of the dark lord but of the possibility that she might suffer that fate, that he may let another die. He didn't think his heart could take it.
"Lauren" he said with all the evenness he could muster. "Please don't-"
"I'll be careful, and I'll be okay… You know why?"
He swallowed thickly "why?"
"Because I'll have you to protect me. You and Draco and Harry and all my friends. We'll protect each other… It'll be okay. I'm sturdy and..."
"And?" he asked.
She paused, looked terribly sad for a moment, then smiled a forced smile. "And… and it'll be okay."
He knew she was leaving something unsaid but couldn't press her, didn't want to. He did not want her to say another thing because with every word she verified his worst fears. With every word she solidified her attachment to him and his to her, with every word she solidified her love.
He drew his hand away and took a seat on the couch beside her, closing his eyes as he pinched the bridge of his nose.
"A terribly stubborn little witch you are" he murmured and she gave a small laugh.
"I've spent too much time around you, an equally stubborn wizard" and her lips were warm and soft against his cheek.
He caught her around the waist before she could pull away and secured her in his arms, holding her tight against him. He wanted nothing more than to keep her here in his embrace, safe… safe as she could be with him. He didn't want to lose her, didn't want her hurt but didn't want to give her up. He could not have it all, he knew that and knew this wouldn't end well, but as he held her he made a promise.
If one of them was to die, it would not be her. It didn't matter what he had to do to assure that, he would give his life if he had too, but she would not die.
"I will protect you" he muttered into her hair.
She gave a small, unseen smile and replied "I'm sturdier than you think," silently wondering who exactly would protect him.
Right, so, this one had a lot in it. First a peek at her father. He's a very nice man, a potions master. He made his apperance 1. to give Lauren a reason to go over and 2. to show that she has a good family life and parents who love her. It seems to be kinda rare in fiction that girls have a good home so, yeah. Her family loves her. =3
Next thing, you probably can't use the floo with that little info on where you're going but whatever, it's a fan fic. XD
Um now the actual confusing stuff. Open, Closed, and Alices. I made them up, based off of Alice's adventures in wonderland because, why not. I had the idea one day and just ran with it when I designed her character. You'll be seeing more of it as the story comes to a close and get more explanations but if you really wanna know more just ask me, I'll tell ya =3 It was a lot of the whole, fairy tales have actual truth within the magical world. I was tempted to make an entire series like that.
Adressing Snape's behavior. He's scared. He knows, more or less, what's going to happen and he's scared of losing Lauren like he lost Lilly. I think it's a legit fear. Hope you all didn't see him as ooc or anything.
And, fun fact! One of the prototypes of this chapter took a markedly more... mature turn. It's still in my files but I was not about to post it as a part of this fic. XD It was just... I don't even know. My brain ran away with me. Didn't wanna have to change the rating to M though so, yeah...
I feel like I'm rambling senslessly without really telling you guys anything so it's time to stop. XD Thanks for reading and if you've got any questions, comments, or advice throw em my way. If not thanks for reading. Have a good day/night/other!