Holding on and letting go Chapter 2, a vampire academy fanfic

Dimitris point of view

I love her more than my own life. She has become part of me, when i gave in to my feelings and we made love in the cabin that night i felt whole for the first time in my life, like i had found the other half of my heart and soul.
She was the first thing i thought of when i woke up in the morning and all i dreamt about when i went to bed at night. Her amazing, deep brown, almost black, hair that always smelled of lavender and vanilla, Her eyes, those bottomless amazing eyes, i could stare into them forever and the feel of her smooth tan skin and her soft sweet lips.
Shes all i could ever want in life... which is why this was the hardest thing i will ever have to do. I have to let her go, We both have jobs to do as guardians, and i cant be afraid that i will put her before the life of my moroi. Its not fair to her, or my charge.

"Roza, do you have any idea how much i love you?" I whisper, holding her tightly to me, i can feel her heart beating with mine, her breathe fanning against my neck.
"mmmm not as much as i love you." She replies.
She has no idea just how wrong that is, ive never loved anyone as much as i love her, nothing could compare to it.

I ask her my next question, knowing exactly what her answer will be but needing to hear it from her, "Do you regret it?"
She lifts her head, and im immediately drawn in by her gorgeous eyes. "regret what?" She questions me.
"What we did in the cabin?" I whisper, waiting for her answer.

She pauses for only a minute, searching my face before her answer takes my breath away, "No. Not one bit. I wish it had happened under better circumstances, but it was us. Me and you. It felt right and it still does feel right, i dont regret it one little bit."
Its the exact same way i feel, the two of us finally became one that night. It was the most amazing night of my life, one that i will never ever be able to forget. "Me either." i reply, smiling at her for a moment.

I take in a deep breath, closing my eyes i force myself to say what i have to say next, even though it hurts. "but Roza, what about our charges? I dont think we can truly protect them if we continue with out relationship... like ive said before If something were to happen and you and my charge were in mortal danger... who would i choose? i couldnt live with myself if i let you die... but i couldnt live with myself if i let my charge die either... ive already been through that once, with Ivan, i couldnt handle it again." I have to keep my eyes closed, i can feel the tears building up, but i cant lose control or i wont be able to do what i have to.

Her fingers lightly trace a trail down my cheek, "It wont happen. I would never put myself in that kind of danger, and i can handle myself, i would never put you in that situation. Your charge would come first... just like i would have to put Lissa first." she whispered

She would "HAVE" to put Lissa first? When i first met my Roza, all she wanted to do was protect Lissa with her life, to do everything to keep her safe... have i really changed her that much that she believes its a.. a chore? a demand? that she protects her best friends life?
"See... Rose, thats what i mean. You would 'HAVE" to put Lissa first... when you first came back to the academy you were so set in your guardian role that you would have protected Lissa with your life without a second thought... but now... you would choose, you would hesitate if you had to choose me or her... i couldnt live with that either, i couldnt live with myself if you chose me over her." I start sitting up, i need to do this now, i need to go so that she can refocus on her duty, just as i have to.

"Dimitri..." Her voice sounded broken, hurt.

"Roza, I love you with all my heart, you are like the other half of my soul... but i cant risk it, WE cant risk it. I wish we could be together... i wish we could love freely, but its just not that easy. We... we cant do this anymore." I stood up and moved towards the door as she sat up.

"What are you doing Dimitri?" That one sentence almost broke my resolve, i knew she knew what i was doing, i knew how much it would hurt her... it hurt me beyond words.

"Im... im going away. Im going to leave so that you can focus on Lissa." i spoke facing the door, i turned the handle and opened the door alittle before turning to glance back at her one last time. "I will always Love you my Roza. Please, please always remember that." And with that i stepped out the door and headed to my dorm to pack my things.

I put what little posessions i had into a duffle bag, placing the one photo of me and my Roza together, on the very top where it would be safe. I pulled out my phone and dialed a familiar number, waiting for them to answer.

"Hello?" a sweet voice picked up on the other line. My breath caught in my throat and i had to stop a sob from escaping.
"Mama, its me... im coming home for a while ok?" i spoke.
"Dimka? are you ok?" The worry in her voice was clear, i was her only son and she constantly worried about me, but she knew by the sound of my voice that something was wrong.
"Everythings fine mama, im catching a flight back to Russia this morning..." I replied before saying goodbye and hanging up the phone.

I had some things to clear up before i left, i went to Kirova and Alberta and told them that i was taking leave, possibly indefinitly. Kirova was slightly annoyed at the timing, but Alberta looked at me with a pained expression, like what i was doing was hurting her.
As i walked out the door of her office, Alberta stopped me before i could exit the building.

"Dimitri... why are you leaving?" She asked quietly, her hand was still resting on my arm that held my duffle bag.
"i... i just have to. Its for the best right now." I spoke formally to her, keeping my guardian mask in place.
"Have you told Rose?" She asked just as quietly as before. Her question shocked me, why would she think i would have to tell Rose... as far as she or anyone else knew, Rose was just a student... unless...
"You know?" I questioned, raising one eyebrow slightly
She smiled sadly, "Yes i know, ive known for a while... you both changed soon after your training started, I saw Rose becoming a better guardian, she gained more self control and stopped her troubled ways... and you werent as anti social.. you were happier. It would be hard for someone not to see it... You love her dont you?" She said, as more of a statement than a question.

"More than anything in the world... which is exactly why im leaving... We both need to focus on guarding our charge." I replied, as i was about to push open the door to the building.
"I hope you are 100% sure about this Dimitri... you have no idea what this will do to her..." She added, a stern motherly tone to her voice, before she turned and went back to her office.

I pushed out of the door and started walking up the path towards the airstrip and the plane that waited to take me away. I was lost in thoughts of my Roza when i heard a beautiful voice singing, it sounded full of pain and hurt. I glanced around me before my eyes flew up to the roof. I gasped as i saw Roza sitting on the ledge, her legs dangling over as she strummed on a guitar and sang.

Though the pressure's hard to take
It's the only way I can escape
It seems a heavy choice to make
And now I am under all

And it's breaking over me
A thousand miles down to the sea bed
Found the place to rest my head
Never let me go,Never let me go
Never let me go,Never let me go

And the arms of the ocean are carrying me
And all this devotion was rushing out of me
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner like me
But the arms of the ocean delivered me

And it's over
And I'm going under
But I'm not giving up
I'm just giving in
I'm slipping underneath
So cold and so sweet

And the arms of the ocean so sweet and so cold
And all this devotion I never knew at all
In the crushes of heaven for a sinner released
And the arms of the ocean delivered me

It was the single most beautiful song id ever heard, her voice was amazing. I felt so many emotions run through me as she locked eyes with me. She looked so hurt and sad, I had no idea what she would be like once i left, i just hoped that she would continue to be my strong, talented, spirited Roza. As i continued walking i heard her begin another song, it was even more beautiful and heart wrenching as the first, i knew she was singing with her broken heart and soul,

Is anybody out there? Is anybody listening?
Does anybody really know? If it's the end of our beginning,
A cry, A rush, From one breath
Is all we're waiting for
Sometimes the one we're taking
Changes every one before

It's everything you wanted, it's everything you don't
It's one door swinging open and one door swinging closed
Some prayers find an answer
Some prayers never know
We're holding on and letting go

I paused at the top of the stairs, looking back up to where she sat singing loud enough that i could still hear every word.

Sometimes we're holding angels
And we never even know
Don't know if we'll make it, But we know,
We just can't let it show

I watched her, a tear slid down my cheek as she stood up, guitar in one hand and her hand placed on her stomach. The look on her face was full of pain, torment and love. I couldnt believe i was still doing this, i was still leaving, my heart screamed for me to run back into her arms and promise to never leave her side, but we were guardians, our duty... our lives.. were meant to be lived for our charges, it was something we were taught right from the start of our lives.

I saw her lips moving but couldnt catch everything she said. I only made out the words '...Love you...child...doesnt... goodbye Dimitri."

My heart tore into tiny peices, she was accepting that i was leaving, possibly for forever, i didnt know yet.

"Excuse me sir, if you'd like to take a seat we can leave in a moment." a kind stewardess spoke from behind me. I turned to thank her for a second and when i turned back to the rooftop my Roza had gone.

Taking my heart and soul with her.

I went in and took my seat as the plane started up and lifted off into the air, i couldnt help the tears that escaped as i thought over the love and life that i was leaving behind.