"We are gathered here today to celebrate the life of Anastasia Rose Steele. She was a beautiful, Strong, woman who went through a lot before she passed away. None of us from church have an doubts that she is joined with our lord, and all her suffering has gone away. She is in the hands of our father, may her soul rest in peace. Now does anyone want to say a few words about Anastasia?" Through all my sobs and tears I know I have to say something. Anastasia is dead, for real. All because of me this time, all because I cost her so much heart ache. I knew she was too good for me, I killed her. I raise my hand but as I stand I'm yelled at by many people. "YOU KILLED HER! GET OUT OF HERE!" Ana's parents, Kate even my parents are yelling at me. They are all chastising me for what I did. It should have been me. All of it, the death, the torture, I should have been the one to go through that, not Ana. She is a good person; she deserved to live, to be happy. I glance at the casket and can see her beautiful face. Suddenly I see her eye's shoot open and her breathing accelerate and she looks at her surroundings and starts to yell. "Christian! Christian how could you do this to me!?"
I shoot up right from my bed covered in sweat and breathing heavily. The same fucking reoccurring dream for the past week. The last time I saw Ana I gave her a panic attack, and almost broke her heart literally. She died for 2 seconds, but the doctors brought her back to life. That fucking sound of her heart monitor going flat still haunts me. I almost died that day to, I fainted when I saw her dying in front of my eyes, I couldn't breathe I also had a panic attack. She recovered quickly and is back with Kate in their old apartment. I look to my side and see my wife asleep her back facing me. She knows about my issues with people touching me, people other than Ana, and she accepts it. She has never touched me although we still sleep in the same bed. The clock rings and it is 5:30 Am. This is yet another sleepless night because of my new nightmares. I should just fucking get some work done, it doesn't look like I'll be getting much sleep anyways.
Anastasia's POV
It's been a week since I've been back home. I've missed my family, my freedom, my home. But everything's changed. Everyone's acting like 'm a fragile little girl. Yes I have been through a lot, things I may never get over, but the fact that everyone is acting so different around me isn't helping. Its 7:00 and I'm up in my bed staring at the ceiling. My room is untouched, Kate said she couldn't touch it, she wanted to leave everything the same because it was too hard for her, or anyone really. She and Elliot are still together. That's nice to hear, because from what I can remember he makes her really happy. At least she is still happy. My mind has been on Christian. I confronted Kate on walking around my feelings like I was a child, and she told me she will tell me anything I wanted to know. She told me how Christian's life spiraled out of control after my death. How he attempted to kill himself many times, and went into a deep state of depression. She said he almost lost his empire, and how she was the one to bring him out of his state. She told me of his wife, Rosalie. The irony of her blue eyes, and the fact that her name is rose. It was the fact that she reminded him so much of me that he was drawn to her. She made him feel like I was still there, and He didn't want to let her go, she was like a replacement Ana. She told me of their wedding, and how Rosalie helped him with his company, and his emotions. From what I gathered she was good for him, she was like morphine for all his pain. She was his ticket out of the road he was going through. Basically she's partially the reason he didn't kill himself, and lose everything. After mine and Kate's discussion I took the liberty of searching his name up, and finding pictures with him andher. She is beautiful; she's basically the epitome of me. Her big blue eyes, long brown hair. I should be thanking her, be thankful for her, but it hurts too much. I don't want Christian to be with anyone but me. All I wanted out of everything that happened to me was one thing, to be with him. To be reunited with him. I thought things could go back to the way things were, because everything that happened wasn't me or him running, or us breaking up, or anything like that. It was us being pried of our happiness and love. Things were going so well for us, he let me touch him, share a bed with him; he declared his love for me. We were continuing to have out firsts with each other. Now what, had he had firsts with her. Is she in his bed, touching him, declaring her love for him? I throw the duvet off of me and sit upright. What am I supposed to do? Sitting here and pitying me isn't doing shit for either of us. He hasn't even tried to get in contact with me. Knowing Christian he is afraid he will hurt me, or he thinks I never want to see him. I guess it is up to me to go and see him then. I need to do this, to get closure, to find out what is going on with us. Right now he is probably at work, this is my chance. I get up and go into my closet. I have gained weight from my constant eating, and look way healthier than how I did before. I am shaved bathed, and my hair and eyebrows are cut. I look like my old self. Now for clothing, I need to look nice, not too nice like I'm trying too hard though. I get out my red short tight dress, and add my leather jacket on top. I pair that up with my black combat boots. That's causal looking. I can tell you that my style had definitely changed. I've been through a big obstacle in my life, one that changed my life dramatically, a change was required. My hair is curled and I go with black Smokey eye. Kate showed me how to do it ever since I've came back. I like the intimidating effect it gives me, and I want to go with it. After I'm dressed and washed, I head off to the kitchen to eat some breakfast. The more time I have on my hands the more I doubt my plan. I grab a quick bagel to go and call a cab to Grey Enterprises. What if is there? What if he doesn't let me up, surly if his workers see me there is dead ex girlfriend they will inform him. All that was said on the news was the situation with the hostages, I told them not to mention my name. I really don't need the press on my back when I'm dealing with a shit load right now. We stop in front of Grey's house and I just stare at it. All the memories of this place, the memories with me and Christian. This is where we first met, and as of now this can be where it all ends. I hand the driver a 20 dollar bill and head out. With a long deep breath I enter and as I see blonde number 1 like I remember she stares at me wide eyed. "Ana… Anastasia?" She remembers me? Wow that's nice. I give her a small smile and a head nod. "Yes that's me. Is Christian available? Or is this a bad time?" She is still wide eyed but quickly retrieves herself as she swallows. "Umm. Ye... Yes Mr. Grey is indeed available. Would you um. Umm like to see him?" Stuttering? Wow she is in shock. I smile as she tells me he is free. That is good to hear. "Yes I would please. Can you not inform him, this is kind of a surprise?" I give her a pleading face and she smiles and gives me the okay. I smile as I take the elevator up to the 22ndfloor. Still looks the same from here to. Andrea gives me the same reaction I got from blonde number one down stairs stairs and I just place my finger to my lips and mouth "Shhhh," as I enter his office. This time when I enter there is fortunately no tumbling. I smile at the history in here and watch him as his eyes glance down from his work and up to me. His elbow is rested against his desk and his finger is pressed again is cheek bone. And once again I get the same reaction as everyone else, god this is getting old. "Anastasia." He quickly closes his work, stands up and walks over to me. He brings me into a big embrace and lifts me off the floor. I wrap my arms around him as many tears escape my eyes. I've missed him so much; his touch still gives me a tingly sensation. "Oh baby." He starts to repeat the same process of kissing my hair as he did in the hospital. I just hold on to him tight and let him. "Christian, we need to talk." This gets his attention as he backs away and leads me to sit on the couch. "I talked to Kate. I know about what happened and how you dealt with my death. I also know how this woman… Your wife Rosalie helped you more than anyone could. She saved you Christian. She saved you from yourself, from all your demons that were eating you alive. She helped you when no one else could, when I couldn't. For that I am so grateful for her, for her making you happy, and keeping you alive," I put my hand on his face as tears crawl down my face uncontrollably, "She is making you happy, just as I'm sure you are making her happy too. This is why I have to go." He puts his hand over my hand that is laying on his face and holds on tightly. "No Ana," But I cut him off. I place both of my hand on his face now and nod my head slowly as I reassure him. "No I do I have to go. You found someone new someone who did something so remarkable for you. She is good for you Christian and I can't interfere with that," I close my eyes as more tears fall from my face, "I love you so so much, you don't know how each word is killing me right now. I wish that day never happened that it can somehow be erased. That day ruined my life Christian, But I'm not goanna strip her of her happiness after all the good she has done for you. I owe her, because if I were to find out you were dead because of me, I don't know what I would do. So I need you to do me a favor. You make that woman the happiest woman alive; you cherish her and love her for all that she has done. You need to forget about me and move on Christian, it's for the better." With every word that comes out of my mouth it's like a knife twisting in my soul. I'm pushing him away, for the better. I can't do that to a woman who helped Christian. I take a breath and lean in to kiss him, it's our final goodbyes. I plant a soft kiss on his lips and can taste both of our tears. I pull back and lay my forehead against his, eyes closed. "I Love you so much, that's why I need to do this for you, for us." I smile and stare and the Grey eyes filled with tears and hurt, and give him a small smile. AS I let go of his face and turn away I am pulled back by him as his lips crash into mine and he picks me up and wraps my legs around him. I know he doesn't want to let me go, and I know I have to but right now I need this. I've missed him with everything in me, I can't fight it. He pushes me against the wall and takes off both of my shoes, and my jacket while I'm still strapped around him. I untangle my fingers form his hair and attempt to unbutton his shirt. I never was good at this thought and I can't wait to just touch him so I pry the shirt open with my hands and buttons go flying everywhere. We both stop kissing and stare down at his shirt, before we look back at each other and start to kiss again. The kiss is passionate filled with lust, need, want. I break off the kiss and start to kiss his neck and run my fingers all over his chest hair. "You are the only thing that kept me alive. You and this moment right here, where I get to show you just how much I've missed you." I can hear a growl escape his mouth as he places me on the floor and turns me around. My stomach is now pressed against the wall, and I can feel his pressure pinning me against it. He starts to leave soft kisses down my neck to my shoulders. "Anastasia Rose Steele. I. Love. You. So. Much. I. Want. You." With that I can hear a rip and can feel a cool breeze caress my back. Did he really just rip my dress? He's as rough as I can remember. I can feel his hands trailing down my hips and hook in my panties. But all I can think about is his wife. I am not a home wrecker; I will not be the other woman. I place my hands on top of his stopping him in his tracks. " . ." I turn around to face him and the remainder of my dress falls off leaving my boobs exposed. I can see him eyeing my body up and down and breathing deeply to stop himself. He has seen it all before so at this point I can care less. I grab hold of his waist and pull him towards me as I lay my forehead against his chest and inhale. I can feel tears fall down my face again, and landing on his chest. I kiss his each of his scars and finally muster up the strength to look him in the eyes and once again place either of my hands on the side of his face. "You are a wonderful, strong man, who has a strong woman at home, a woman who loves you Christian. I….. I….. Love you so much." I start to kiss him on his forehead down to his nose, and stop at his lips. "But like I said before. You have a wife." I rub my thumb across his bottom lip and stare intently in his eyes until I go to the couch to put on my boots and take his jacket and mines. "I think I'll hold on to this, seeing as you ripped my dress." I smile at him and he just looks like my lost little boy. After I place on his jacket, I go grab the back of his head, and hug him hard. This is it. "You will always be my fifty shades." I whisper in his ear and smile before leaving his office.