Chapter 21
(A.N: Oh you guys are spoiled, lol. "Words written like this, are song lyrics". "Words written like this; represent a memory." WARNING: OOC (big time, but I think you'll understand why). ALSO CAPS LOCK WARNING! I got a little crazy with it, but it was kind of necessary! TT means time passing or scene changes. R&R? Love you guys for it!)
TT
He usually didn't sneak around in the way that he had that morning.
But Fai had been acting weird. And the blonde had left his cell phone unattended. That alone was unusual enough. But then there was all of the coffee drinking, as well as the consistent smoking...
He was worried about the male, because he seemed to be so stressed out...
And now, he knew why.
He set the males cell phone down on the table, just as the blondes car pulled back up near the cottage. He heard the male come inside, and kick off his shoes. He watched as he set down four trays off coffee – and one tea. Watched him un-stack them. Listened as he murmured something about not realizing he'd forgotten his cell phone at the cottage.
Listened to him questioning his name.
"Kamui? Are you okay? Kamui?"
He felt it flowing through him then. Hurt and anger...It flowed through his veins, and pulsed with every increasing beat of his heart.
The others were at the beach already, some were probably cliff-jumping...And he wondered how many of them already knew.
"Kamui?"
He knew that none of them knew what he knew now.
Fai outstretched a hand to the shorter male, only to find himself on the floor of the kitchen. Kamui had grabbed a hold of him, and knocked him over.
"Ow! Kamui! What the-?"
"—WHEN DID YOU PLAN ON TELLING US?"
Fai stared up at the raven haired male. He had found out, apparently, about his illness...But Fai wasn't sure how much he knew.
"What do you mean?" He questioned, plastering his big, fake smile onto his face.
"Don't play dumb, Fai! You told us about your twin, and you told us what he killed him! So how many of the others know that you're dying too?" He was shaking.
"...Chi, Hideki, Kurogane, Tomoyo, Watanuki, Doumeki, Sakura, and possibly Syaoran..." He recited the names quietly.
"AND WHEN DID YOU PLAN ON TELLING THE REST OF US?"
"..."
"And when were you planning on telling those who do know, what you know now?"
Fai's eyes grew as realization dawned on him. He'd left his cell phone behind, and there was a voice mail message on it...One he didn't want the others to hear...
"DAMMIT FAI! WERE YOU JUST GOING TO DIE ON US WITHOUT AT LEAST TELLING THE REST OF US THAT YOU WERE SICK?" As Kamui yelled it, he picked up a plate, and threw it so that it hit the fridge.
It shattered on impact.
Fai's eyes widened even more so than before. Kamui was shaking, and he began throwing more glass. He made sure to throw it at the fridge – because then the glass couldn't hit the blonde.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME THAT YOU WERE SICK?" Another glass hit the fridge.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU LET ME KNOW THAT YOU WERE DYING?" Another plate...
"WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL US?"
"KAMUI! What the hell is going on in here?" Fuuma's voice burst in on the screams. He'd just come back to the cottage to see what was taking the two so long to get down to the water – he'd seen Fai's car pull up near the cottage, but the blonde had never come back outside. Now the taller male tried to get a hold on his fiancée – who thrashed his way out of his grip.
"WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO...TO...To...to..." The male couldn't form his question, as his shoulders shook, and his hands covered his face. His body sagged to the floor as he fell to his knees.
Both males could see him sobbing behind his hands.
Fai sighed, and reached out, wrapping his arms around Kamui – who locked his grip around the blonde. His hands bunched up the back of the males shirt in his hands, and the blonde held him close.
"...Kamui...I'm sorry...I didn't want you to find out that way..." Fai sat back, and took the raven with him – cradling him against his chest.
"...I'm so confused...Fai, what the hell happened in here?" Fuuma questioned, going to get the broom and dustpan.
"Fuuma, you don't have to sweep...I'll do it..." Fai argued gently. Kamui held onto him even tighter.
"No, it's alright. I'll sweep...Besides, I don't think he'll let go of you long enough for you to sweep," the taller of the ravens teased, as he opened up the cupboard that contained the garbage bag. He carefully began to task of sweeping up the mess of glass on the floor.
Kamui continued to cry...Shaking, as he clutched on to the blonde.
Fai ran a calming hand through his hair.
"Why is he crying, Fai? What happened?" Fuuma's voice was questioning him once again, as he continued with sweeping the floors.
"...Fuuma...You remember what I told you about my twin?"
"...He died...Of an unnamed illness..." Fuuma recited the memory.
The silence was his answer, before he threw a wide eyed gaze to the blonde.
"...Fai..."
"...I have it too. I haven't told everyone...I didn't really want to..." He kept moving his fingers through Kamui's hair,
"I was terrified of causing reactions like this...I'm dying, Fuuma. I have been for a long time now. I'm going to continue to die – slowly. There's a pill that postpones this, and I've been taking mine regularly...I'm guessing that I'll have to tell the others about this now..."
"...Tell him the rest," Kamui cried. Fai stroked his fingers through the males raven locks and sighed,
"Fuuma...I'll tell you the rest...But you and Kamui need to keep this part a secret for me...Okay?"
"You have to tell Kurogane!" Kamui announced.
"...I can't...I'll tell Chi...But the others don't need to hear this...I don't want to be treated any differently...So, they just...They can't know this part..."
Fuuma ran a hand through his own hair and sighed, but nodded,
"Alright. We'll keep the rest to ourselves. Just tell me what the hell is going on."
TT
"What the hell happened in here?" Sakura questioned, looking to Fuuma – who was sweeping up the rest of the glass, and then to Fai, who had Kamui curled up against him.
Fai closed his cell phone – having just deleted the voice mail from his inbox, and sighed,
"I've been found out, I'm afraid. My Doctors called to check up on my condition the other day...After Chi dropped me off at home, I went to the Doctors office...And they left me a message this morning, telling me that it looked like I was deteriorating a little more so than usual and that they were concerned...I'm afraid that Kamui here went through my phone – out of concern...And, well..." The blonde looked to the remnants of the broken glass.
"Condition, what condition?" Shogo questioned, taking a seat at the table.
"I think everyone should take a seat...Most of you know what I'm referring to already...But not everyone..."
Everyone did as they were instructed, and sat down.
Fai sighed,
"You all remember what I told you about my twin brother?"
There were nods amongst the group.
"...He died, of an unnamed disease...And what I haven't told the rest of you...Is...Is the fact that I..." Fai cleared his throat,
"...I have the same illness..."
"...You're dying?" Seishiro questioned – surprised by the blondes words.
Fai nodded,
"I've been taking medication, to slow down the process. But everyday I'm lucky to be breathing."
Subaru and Primera both looked sad upon hearing the words. Shogo massaged his temple. Seishiro wrapped an arm around his boyfriend – trying to comfort him.
The others already knew. Syaoran had been informed by Sakura earlier on.
"Why didn't you tell us sooner?" Subaru wondered, still looking sad.
"I didn't want to upset anyone...And I didn't want anyone to treat me any differently. I don't like being treated like I'm fragile, simply because I'm sick." Fai offered out a small smile,
"So please...Don't treat me like I'm weak, or anything like that. Just...Treat me how you usually would."
TT
Fai stretched in bed before he managed to tumble out of it. He landed on the floor with a thud...
"Ouch."
"What the hell did you-?" Kurogane paused in the middle of his question as he spotted the blonde on the floor. He took the safer route of keeping his mouth shut...But he had to hide his face in his pillow to keep from laughing at him.
"Hey, don't laugh at me!"
Kurogane kept his face in his pillow. Fai glared, and stood up. He climbed onto the ravens back,
"Don't make fun of me."
Red eyes found the blue gaze of the blonde. A smile graced the ravens lips, and Fai found it to be contagious. He leaned down, brushing his lips against those of his boyfriend.
When he pulled away once more, Kurogane's hand found the back of his head, and the raven lead him back into another kiss – turning his body around to face the blonde.
This time, when they pulled apart, Kurogane sighed,
"Fai...What are you hiding?"
The blonde closed his eyes, and smiled – not the mask, but a small, almost guilty-looking smile,
"I don't know what you mean."
"Che. Bullshit."
Blue sought out red before Fai sighed and kissed his boyfriend once more, before he managed to climb out of bed,
"Go back to sleep Kergs. I think you're still dreaming."
The raven massaged his temple, and frowned at the back of Fai's head, before he decided that he'd drop the topic for now,
"Che, whatever. I'll let it go for now, but this isn't over."
TT
He snuck out of his room quietly, and was thankful that his boyfriend had gone back to sleep. He wasn't in the mood for confrontation, and he was still feeling guilty over making Kamui cry the day prior.
He'd lead him into the living room a while later, and the two had fallen asleep on one of the couches – curled up in one another's arms. Kamui's head had been resting on his chest, and he'd held onto him as they fell asleep, feeling incredibly guilty for causing the boy so much pain.
Fuuma had woken them up later on, to tell them that lunch was ready, and the two had gotten up together, and had been inseparable the entire day.
They hadn't parted until everyone was going to bed.
And now, as he reached the bottom of the stairs, he found a familiar head of raven locks, pressed to his chest.
Apparently Kamui had been waiting for him.
"How long have you been up?" He questioned gently, giving the male a hug.
"Couldn't sleep." The answer was quiet and gentle. Apparently the male had had his morning cup of coffee already.
"...Kamui, you can't let this bug you so much..."
When the male lifted his head to meet his gaze...Fai was surprised by the males eyes. They were young, and lost. Confused and scared...
The eyes of a child who'd lost everything.
He remembered the way the male had described his past.
"My parents died when I was very young. They were out on a rainy night...Lost control of the car...And the next thing I knew, I was standing at a double funeral."
He'd lost his family when he was still just a kid. And now he knew that his best friend might die too...
Fai sighed, hugging the male closer. He felt so guilty, for having kept the secret from Kamui. But he felt worse for making him cry. He was upset with himself for being sick at all...But it wasn't under his control. He was sick, and he was dying, and there was nothing that he could do to change that fact.
When he pulled away from the raven once more, he offered him a smile,
"Come on. I'll make breakfast for the others, how does that sound?"
Kamui didn't answer verbally, but he nodded his head.
TT
Fuuma found the two in the kitchen when he'd finally woken up.
Fai was busy cooking, and Kamui had pulled up a chair so that he could sit near the male. There was a look in his eyes; unmistakable fear...
"Kamui, you should sit at the table now. I don't want the grease to burn you when I cook the bacon, okay?"
The way Fai spoke...It was as if he were addressing a child. Fuuma understood why he was using such a tone with him...Kamui still hadn't overcome the fear of losing the male...This might take a little time...
The stubborn raven stayed right where he'd planted himself, and the blonde sighed.
"Kamui...I understand that you're afraid...But the table is right there...You can see me perfectly from there...And you won't get burned..."
Still no answer, and still no movement.
"Kamui, listen to him. He doesn't want you to get burned while he cooks, so move yourself back."
"Morning Fuuma," Fai greeted, without turning to face him.
"Morning," the male responded. He let out a little 'oof,' as Kamui collided against his body – seeking his embrace.
"Hey Kamui...Calm down, I'm right here..."
Fai smiled to himself as he began placing bacon on the pan. It sizzled and cracked...
"Hungry at all, Fuuma?"
"...I don't know if I can stomach anything right now, Fai." The male could be heard taking a seat. Kamui followed and sat in the males lap.
"Oh? Why's that?" Fai set more bacon in the pan, and hissed at some of the jumping grease that managed to land on him.
Fuuma didn't answer, but it didn't take Fai long to understand. The blonde sighed once again, and continued to speak without turning,
"I understand. But what you have to understand is the fact that you can't let my illness control your lives. You still have to eat, and sleep...You have to live your lives. People die all the time, it's natural. You can't alter what's happening within my body. I'm deteriorating, and I'm going a little more quickly now...But it's still going to be a while yet before I die. So don't give up living your own lives, just because you're upset."
"But we know more than the others do, Fai! The only other person who knows as much about this as we do, is Chi!" Fuuma announced, being sure to keep his voice low so that he wouldn't wake the others.
"And that's how it stays!" Fai's voice was equally low, but it was stern. His tone was powerful.
"...And what about Kurogane?" Fuuma questioned.
Fai froze momentarily, but then he continued with what he was doing,
"What would you have me do?"
"...Tell him...Tell him what you know. It's only fair..."
"Life's not fair, Fuuma. And before you tell me what a terrible person I am, for not telling him the new information...Consider this; if you were in my shoes...If you were the one that was sick...How would you tell Kamui that you were surely going to die?"
When the male couldn't answer, Fai continued with his cooking.
TT
He'd spent most of the day away from the group. Once he'd finished making breakfast and had had a bite to eat – he left. He got into his car, turned up his radio, and floored it.
No one had the chance to ask him where he was going, or when he'd be back.
He didn't answer his phone, or his texts. He just stayed out all day. All afternoon, all evening...
It was just starting to get dark out when his Mercedes pulled up by the cottage. It was then that he noticed that Kurogane's car was missing...
He stepped out of his car and lit a cigarette, before he headed towards the campfire. He could see the others that were waiting for him. Almost everyone was there...Except for Kurogane, Sakura, and Syaoran. The two younger members of the gang must have gone along with Kurogane to search for him...Sakura to yell at him, and Syaoran to try and keep her from ripping his head off.
Though it looked like Chi was conflicting between doing that herself, and hugging him until he couldn't breathe any longer.
He sighed – exhaling smoke.
He didn't see the shorter body that came running at him...But he felt it when the male crashed right into him – nearly knocking both of them over.
"...Kamui?"
"...You left..."
"...I needed some space. I was being an ass this morning, and I didn't want to take out my feelings on those who didn't deserve it."
"You left...We didn't even know if you were coming back..."
"If I had been planning my suicide..." He felt the raven clutch his shirt tighter,
"...I would have left a note."
"That isn't funny!"
"It wasn't meant to be. It's honesty. Honesty can be painful, but it's better than lying to someone who doesn't deserve to be lied to."
Kamui allowed the blonde to lead him back to the campfire. Fuuma surprised him by getting up and wrapping him into a hug. Apparently, he'd been worried about him as well...
When the taller ravel released him once again, Fai watched as Fuuma sat down with Kamui, before he turned to face the rest of the group.
Watanuki looked relieved to see him, and Doumeki looked like something had been lifted off of his shoulders. Everyone offered him greetings – except for one person.
He approached her carefully – being sure to chuck his cigarette into the fire on his way. He sat down in front of her, and waited in silence.
She wrapped her arms around him,
"Where were you?"
"...I went to see our brother. And then I just...Drove. I drove around until I couldn't handle being in the car any longer..."
"...Don't do that again, okay?"
"Mm." He tried not to think about how much he had worried everyone, as he let go of his sister, and returned to Fuuma's side. He wound up sitting in the sand with Kamui in his lap.
TT
"YOU STUPID IDIOT!"
He cringed upon hearing the voice. It was Sakura.
"FAI! YOU LEFT ALL OF US HERE, AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US WHEN YOU WERE COMING BACK! OR IF YOU WERE EVEN COMING BACK! YOU DIDN'T ANSWER ANY OF OUR TEXTS, OR CALLS! YOU STUPID IDIOT, WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING?" She was flagged by Syaoran – who was currently restraining her as best he could.
"Sakura-chan...You know that if I hadn't planned on ever coming back, then I would have left a note..."
"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"
"It isn't meant to be...It's just the truth..."
She appeared to be taking deep breaths. He moved Kamui out of his lap as she approached – he didn't want the shorter male injured in her rage.
He was right to move him too. He learned so with a loud and echoing SLAP.
The whole world stilled for just one moment. One moment, and all anyone could hear, was Sakura's voice,
"YOU DIDN'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE! YOU DIDN'T THINK THAT ANYONE WOULD PANIC? THAT I'D PANIC? WHO WAS THE ONE WHO FOUND YOU IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD? "
The world became even more silent – how it was possible, Fai wasn't sure. He gingerly reached up with one hand to run his fingers over the stinging flesh. He winced.
"YOU TOOK OFF ON ME, AND I FOUND YOU IN YOUR APARTMENT, LYING IN A POOL OF YOUR OWN BLOOD! YOU HADN'T ANSWERED YOUR CELL PHONE, AND WHEN I FOUND YOU-!" She cut herself off, as a sob escaped her,
"You were lying there, lifeless! I panicked...I...You were so pale...Even your lips were pale...And you wouldn't open your eyes...You wouldn't..." The tears rolled down her cheeks as she shook. She collapsed – falling to her knees as the sobs racked her body.
She didn't fight Fai off when he pulled her into his lap. His actions surprised the rest of the gang, but he didn't pay any attention to the others. He simply cradled Sakura against his chest.
She kissed his stinging cheek, and then hung on more tightly to him.
Kurogane sat down near his boyfriend, and Fai risked a glance in his direction. He was pleased to find that the male looked relieved, and not angry.
Fai had an idea as to how to make the next night a little bit better.
TT
The day had passed with Kamui sticking to him like glue. He was happy to see that the males eyes were easing out of the 'lost child,' look, although it was happening rather slowly.
He followed a routine of making everyone breakfast – same as usual. But they all skipped lunch. No one was sure if it was because they were so immersed in swimming and cliff jumping that they forgot about being hungry, or if they were all just too miserable to eat all three meals that day...Whatever the reason, they skipped lunch.
So, when dinner time finally rolled around, they were all too happy to light up the fire, and start cooking. They laughed, they cooked...They shoved shoulders and shared smiles...They looked at the stars, hugged, kissed, and cuddled. When dinner was finished, they roasted marshmallows, and made s'mores. They downed water bottles and sodas like there would never be another day to drink a single drop. Their trash went in one bag, and their recyclables went in another – to bring up to the house when they were done for the night.
Fai smoked only one cigarette during the course of all of this. He ate some tic tacs afterwards and curled up with Kurogane for a while. He held Kamui at one point too – it felt like a routine.
Syaoran held Sakura's hand, Shogo kept an arm around Primera, and Seishiro kept an arm around Subaru. Chi kept a watchful eye on her younger brother, as she curled up with Hideki, and Watanuki blushed whenever Doumeki's arm would snake around his waist.
Finally, there came a time when everyone had settled into a comfortable near-silence. There was minimal conversation, but nothing felt awkward.
Fai stood up.
Kamui's eyes locked on him immediately, and the rest of the group turned their attention to him as well. Not speaking, the blonde went to go around his boyfriend – who swiftly caught his arm,
"Where are you going?"
The blonde leaned over, kissing the top of the males head,
"Behind you."
Kurogane turned around, and seeing nothing – looked down. As realization dawned on him, he let go of Fai's arm. The blonde stayed true to his words, and crouched down behind the log that he and Kurogane had been sitting on.
There were a couple of clicks, and some shuffling, before he erected his body once more. He slung the strap over his shoulder, and held his guitar pick between his teeth. He removed it once he'd steadied his instruments strap.
Wordlessly, he returned to sitting next to his boyfriend, and he began tuning his guitar.
"Fai? You sure?" Chi's questioned turned some heads, but he didn't answer.
"Fai, it's been four years since you last played that thing...Are you sure you-?"
"—It's fine, Chi. I haven't played it in a long time, sure...But I remember how to play. It's like riding a bike, you just don't forget." He continued with tuning.
"You know that's not what I meant," she argued gently.
"...Like I said...It's fine..." He finally managed to finish tuning,
"Besides, like you said; it's been four years."
Understanding crossed the faces of his friends. They knew what he was referring to. It had been four years...Four years since Fai lost his Mother, and his twin brother...Four years since his world fell apart...
"Hyuu~ What should I sing?" He seemed to be questioning himself, rather than asking anyone around him. He played out a few notes while he thought it over. He stopped though, when he got an idea.
His voice sounded just before the lyrics did.
"I see you standing here,
But you're so far away...
Starving for your attention,
You don't even know my name...
You're going through so much,
But I know that I could be the one,
To hold you!
Every single day,
I find it hard to say,
I could be yours alone...
You will see someday,
That all along the way...
I was yours to hold...
I was yours to hold."
Fai continued with the song, putting his soul into his music, while his fingers recited the right strings. He poured his heart out, loving the feeling of playing the guitar. He'd forgotten how close it made him feel to his brother...
"I'm stretching, but you're just out of reach...
You should know;
I'm ready when you're ready for me.
And I'm waiting for the right time!
For the day I catch your eye!
To let you know,
That I'm yours to hold!"
He recited the chorus once again, revelling in familiarity of it all. He hadn't felt this good in a long time...He'd forgotten how good it felt to pour your soul out into the strings of a guitar...
"I'm stretching, but you're just out of reach...
I'm ready when you're ready for me~..."
Upon his finish, he dared himself to look around. His friends burst out into a round of applause, and he couldn't help but to blush and then laugh. How strange...He hadn't felt this alive in such a long time...
...How ironic...
TT
(A.N: I have been listening to "What If," by Safety Suit continuously, and this is the result. ANGST. Sorry for so much angst you guys...I'll try to make up for it next chapter...Omnomnom, Fai's not doing so well right now. Uh-oh's. R&R? Appreciate the love!)