What I had to do
"That was just stupid," Nyx stated.
"Can't you just let me sleep!" House exclaimed irately.
"You are sleeping," Nyx reminded him.
"But I'm being annoyed in my sleep," House enunciated. "That is not restful, you know."
"Rubbish," Nyx dismissed his concerns. "You won't remember any of this and you need to dream to work out the frustrations of the day. You know this."
"I know I need to dream," House agreed. "But I don't see why I need to be annoyed. Especially by you."
"Well, it's not a need," Nyx admitted. "I just like to do it. And trying to distract me won't change my mind about the stupidity of your actions."
"It wasn't my stupidity," House defended himself. "You can't put the blame on me over this one."
"NO?" Nyx didn't seem to agree. "You knew you shouldn't have treated her mother, yet you let her talk you into it. But when you did let her talk you into it, you didn't insist on being allowed to be yourself. I mean, why didn't you read Cuddy the riot act when she first insisted that you wear that lab coat? You knew her mother is a hypochondriac and you'd have a difficult time to weeding out the imagined symptoms from the real ones. Why, oh why, did you let Cuddy tie your hands?"
"Cause I thought she would find her backbone once her mother fired me," House sighed.
"You expected to be fired by Arlene?" Nyx was surprised.
"Well not really," House shrugged. "I'm really not used to being fired by dying patients. But I did expect her to tell Cuddy to remove me from the case."
"You didn't expect her to fire you directly," Nyx reiterated. "But you did expect her to have a word with Cuddy and once she did that you expected Cuddy to tell her that she needed you. Like she finally did once you pushed her to get her mother back."
"Yeah," House sighed. "I expected that pushing Arlene would eventually untie my hands. I didn't think Cuddy was so intimidated by her mother that she would tie my hands even worse and still expect me to save the day."
"Fortunately you did save the day, eventually!" Nyx stated. "But did you have to crush Masters while you were at it?"
"Collateral damage," House accepted. "Cuddy's choice."
"Cuddy may have chosen to remain ignorant of what it was you needed to do to keep tabs on her mother's case," Nyx maintained. "But you were the one who chose to do it. You tricked her and blackmailed her. You chose to destroy her."
"I didn't really," House denied. "I just pretended to."
"Had she given in to your blackmail, that would most definitely have been the end result," Nyx asserted. "Had she kept her silence; had she so totally gone against her own principles for personal gain she would have been destroyed beyond your capabilities of fixing. You could have told her numerous times that you would not have made good your threat and it would not have helped. In fact, it would have made things worse. You crushed her and you knew what you were doing."
"I know," House admitted quietly. "But Arlene was my priority then."
"And yet, you managed to save her even when Masters told the truth," Nyx accused him. "You didn't need to hurt Masters. Once it became obvious that she knew and wanted to tell the truth, that is the time when you ought to have told Cuddy to stand up to her mother and make her understand that you were her only chance of coming out of it alive. Why didn't you?"
"Because she wasn't ready," House sighed. "Cuddy was my very first priority. I pushed her only when there was no other way to save her mother. She needed to figure out her relationship with her mother herself. I couldn't interfere until there was no other choice."
"And you sacrificed Masters without a qualm," Nyx sighed sadly.
"Not without a qualm," House refuted. "But, yes, I didn't hesitate. I am relieved, though, that she didn't give in. Relieved, but very surprised. I didn't expect her to actually have the courage of her convictions. Most of her values and ideas sound so spoon-fed to her that I wasn't very sure that they would really stand up to the test of real life and real situations. She impressed me. She really is willing to go all the way for her convictions."
"A lot like you," Nyx smiled.
"Me?" House sounded surprised. "I lie, I cheat, I most certainly look after 'number one'. You won't catch me sacrificing my own good for a principle."
"Really?" Nyx nearly laughed. "So it wasn't any kind of principle that made you mock Vogler in your speech instead of giving the resounding endorsement to his not-so-new-medicine he wanted?"
"I wasn't in danger," House exclaimed. "He just wanted me to fire someone from my department, and Cameron even saved me the trouble. I still had tenure."
"And as Wilson had spelled out for you," Nyx reminded him. "That didn't mean you were safe. If Cuddy hadn't stood up for you and if the rest of the board hadn't stood up for Cuddy your career would have been over."
"Not really," House insisted. "I would have found another position."
"Not nearly as suited to you as this one," Nyx stated. "Sure, if nothing else you would have gotten a position as a teacher or in research, but chances are you would have killed yourself either outright or with booze and pills before long. And you knew that. And even so, you did what you felt was right. Just like Masters did this time. She may have a different set of ethics – ok, no 'may have' about it, she HAS different set of ethics -, but at the core of her being there is the same idea or 'that thing'; that something that is essential to your very existence. The sense of something absolute. You both have it. And now that you know that she has it, and is willing to do whatever it takes to stay true to it, she will indeed help you keep yourself in check. No matter how long she is with you, she will never get used to the heat. She will never be one of your frogs."
"Why do you think I asked her to stay?" House asked.
"Told her," Nyx corrected him. "You didn't really ask."
"Well, if I had," House made a face. "She would have refused. Only by basically telling her that I needed her and she had to stay could I make her to stay. Given any kind of choice she would have left us. Only by making it seem that choosing to go she was quitting, could I make her stay. She is no quitter."
"No, she isn't," Nyx nodded. "She has a lot of guts. Maybe not quite as much brains as her IQ indicates, but a lot of guts."
"Yeah," House agreed. "She doesn't always have the brains to know when to give up. Which is a good thing for me. And it may end up being a good thing for her, too. She needs to know how the real life actually does work."
"Does she really?" Nyx looked sad. "And are we talking about 'real life' as you define it or as someone else might define it?"
"I hated Vogler for treating medicine like it was another branch of industry," House pondered. "But in many ways he was right. Doctors care about the bottom line as much as any banker does. If she wants to be an ethical doctor – especially with her ethics – she needs to know that profit does dictate the actions of most other doctors and she needs to watch her back. Had she been in Kaufman's shoes both Cuddy and I would be in deep trouble now. Kaufman knows that his salary depends on how well Cuddy does her job so he isn't going to jeopardize her position. He also knows how important my reputation is for the reputation of the hospital and what role that reputation has in getting donations. He is not going to rock the boat just on a principle. Masters would. And she needs to learn to protect herself because nobody else will do it for her."
"Do you think she has learned her lesson?" Nyx asked.
"I'm not sure," House sighed. "I hope she has. I hope she realizes why Kaufman doesn't do what he threatened to do. I hope she will not think I'm the only one who would ever set her up for blackmail. I hope she will understand that everyone in the medical industry – as much as I hate that expression – does look after themselves first."
"You don't," Nyx ventured. "You put the patient first."
"But I know what I am doing and I know how to protect myself," House stated. "Masters doesn't. Not yet. But I hope she is learning."
"Maybe," Nyx nodded. "Do you think Cuddy and Arlene have learned something from all this?"
"Almost dying changes everything for two months, or so," House scoffed. "After that things tend to revert to normal. I do hope Cuddy and Arlene have found some kind understanding during this, but I don't think anything essential will have changed."
"Well, at least a year from now Cuddy will not start to blame you for having killed her mother," Nyx declared.
"True," House agreed. "But there is time. She may well come up with something else to justify breaking up with me."
"You still don't think you will last?" Nyx asked.
"I don't know," House answered. "I only know that whatever the future will be for us, it won't be easy."