Everything Is Illuminated
The weeks following Thanksgiving were uneasy ones for Jo. It had quickly become clear to Jo in the days following her reconciliation with Zane that something had broken between them during their latest fight, but Zane smoothly rebuffed all her attempts to repair the damage. Nothing in his behavior suggested that he was angry; on the contrary, he had been all gracious solicitude since that Monday night when he'd appeared on her front step. But he was distant, as if he'd taken a step back from his own life and become an impartial observer. He'd taken to disappearing for hours, and not a soul in town could tell her where he went. When he was around, more often than not he was scribbling in a notebook or working late hours in Grace's lab.
Jo didn't know what to make of it. Nor did Zoe, who by this time was calling faithfully every night to check up on the older woman, though she was deep into exam period within a week of her return to Harvard. In the meantime, the denizens of Eureka had latched onto their precious scandal - the security chief of Global Dynamics pregnant by the town's greatest mischief maker was surely the gossip of the year. Jo could barely make it three feet without an interruption from the latest well-wisher or busybody or combination of the two, and her patience was wearing paper-thin.
Which is why, when she stormed into Carter's office on a chilly Friday afternoon, he was somewhat less than surprised.
"I swear I am going to shoot the next person who touches my stomach." She snarled. Carter glanced up, unconcerned.
"That supposed to be a confession?" He asked mildly. "Because generally speaking you're not supposed to confess until you've actually gone ahead and committed a crime." Jo narrowed her eyes at him.
"Just give me a few more hours," she growled. Carter sighed dramatically.
"If you must, but really, the paperwork alone..." Jo rolled her eyes but smiled, finding it hard to maintain her irritation in the face of his amusement. She slumped in a chair across the room from him and sighed. Carter put down the files he'd been shuffling through, the heavy paper slapping against the desk. He gave her a concerned look.
"Are you alright?" He asked her carefully. Jo gave him a wan smile.
"I'm fine," she replied, "just tired." Carter watched her closely.
"I've been talking to Zoe," he told her. Jo gave him a cautious look.
"Yeah?" She asked noncommittally.
"She wants you to come visit, you know," he said. Jo bit her lip slightly.
"I know," she admitted. Carter studied her.
"I think you should go," he said suddenly. Jo's eyes darted up to his.
"You do?" She asked, surprised. Usually he stayed out of these things.
"I do," he said, scooping his chair back to rummage through a desk drawer, "which is why I got you this." He tossed her a thick envelope, which she caught smoothly. Two round-trip tickets from Portland to Boston slipped into the palm of her hand. Jo looked up at him.
"One for you, one for Zoe," he said by way of explanation. "She has a few days free after her finals end, and she can fly back with you. Win-win." Jo stared at him. "And if you could find out what's going on with the shirtless wonder..." he added hopefully, breaking her spell of surprise. Jo shook her head.
"I can't take these," she protested. "Carter, it's the holiday season. Things are out of control at GD as it is!" Carter shrugged.
"Why not? You said it yourself, plenty of times now - you're on glorified desk duty at GD. Your team and I can take care of anything that comes up." Jo fingered the edges of the tickets thoughtfully. "You need a break, Jo," he said gently. She thought about the distance that had developed between her and Zane, about the smothering townspeople and the snide remarks behind her back at work.
Then she thought about the blessed anonymity of a big city and the very real joy she'd felt, reconnecting with Zoe.
"Okay," she said, surprising herself as much as Carter. "I'll go."
Once Jo made the decision to go to Boston, things moved fast. Carter's tickets were for the 17th of December, barely a week away. She'd told Zane over dinner that night, and felt justified in her decision when he'd exhibited the most interest she'd seen from him in weeks, though a strange expression had seemed to flicker momentarily over his face. Somehow, his offer to drive her to the airport in Portland had surprised her even further, given how preoccupied he'd been, in past weeks.
Which was how Jo had found herself here, in front of the US Airways terminal of the Portland International Airport as Zane tugged her suitcase and laptop bag out of the trunk of her car. He'd insisted on purchasing her a wheeled suitcase for the occasion, adamant that she avoid unnecessary heavy lifting.
He fixed her with a gimlet stare as she reached for the handle of the suitcase.
"Promise you'll take care of yourself," Zane insisted as she rolled it toward her. Jo rolled her eyes at him, but inwardly her heart leapt a little at another glimpse of the man who'd seemed to have disappeared from her life in the past few weeks.
"I will," she assured him. He caught her gaze, his blue eyes suddenly darkened, and stepped closer. Jo's breath caught, and she let go of the suitcase handle reflexively. He raised a hand to her temple, where he gently stroked back a stray wisp of hair and traced the tip of her ear with light fingers. Heart suddenly pounding, Jo held his eyes with her own.
"Have a good time with Zoe," Zane said, his eyes caressing the planes of her face as if he were trying to commit her to memory. "I'll be here for you when you get back." He dropped his hand from her face with a start, and stepped toward the car. Jo let out the breath she'd been holding, oddly disappointed, but Zane turned back upon reaching the door to the driver's side. Conflict was written in his eyes.
"Jo?" he said, slowly, as if he was testing the way the words felt on his tongue, "I love you." Without another word, he opened the door and slipped into the driver's seat. Jo watched, frozen, as he sped away just a little too fast for comfort. It was a long time before she turned to enter the terminal.
Zane clenched the steering wheel as he sped away from the airport, furious with himself. He should never have offered to drive her to the airport. He'd been avoiding her for nearly two weeks, certain her presence would only serve to make him second-guess his decision. But when she'd announced her plans to go visit Zoe, he'd immediately recognized it for the golden opportunity it was. So far, Jo hadn't really begun to question his absences, but if there was one thing he knew about Josefina Lupo, it was that she had a nose for illicit activities. By leaving, she'd inadvertently given him the window he needed to put all his planning into motion.
He hadn't expected the way the news would twist in his chest, how it would make it all real. In an instant, Zane had realized he might never see her again, once she got on that plane, and before he could think better of it, he'd offered to drive her. It would be fine, he had rationalized. He would drive her to the airport, give himself a chance to say goodbye.
He hadn't counted on the way her lips would part ever so slightly when she looked at him, or the way a shaft of light would turn her eyes that radiant honey gold color.
And he hadn't been able to stop himself from telling her he loved her, just once before it was too late.
Zane freed his left hand and raised it to massage his temple briefly. It would be a long drive home.
Jo was unusually subdued when her final plane touched down in Boston much later that afternoon. Zane's words continued swimming through her mind as she left the plane, as she waited in the baggage terminal, as she dragged her luggage to the bus station. She barely noticed the helpful older man who grabbed her luggage off the metal conveyor belt for her, muttering a quiet "thanks" as she dragged away her suitcase.
Zoe met her at the bus station outside Logan Airport, bouncing on her heels with enthusiasm which Jo was too tired and too confused to match. The younger woman noticed, slowing down and giving Jo a sideways look of concern but ultimately saying nothing. Instead, she filled the ride to Harvard with idle chatter, letting Jo nod her head or hum in agreement every once in awhile.
To Zoe's credit, she managed not to comment on Jo's inattentiveness, focusing on getting her clearly overwhelmed friend somewhere a little more relaxing. When they finally reached her dorm room, she breathed a quiet sigh of relief, turning to her guest.
"So you can put your stuff wherever. I borrowed an inflatable mattress from a friend, and you can sleep on the bed." Jo opened her mouth, but Zoe cut her off. "I know you're perfectly capable of roughing it, but you're pregnant. You shouldn't have to." Jo smiled faintly.
"Actually, I was just going to say, 'thank you'." She rubbed her lower back, her expression rueful. "I'm not sure I could manage on the floor." Zoe gave her a weird look, taking a seat on the chair at her desk.
"Okay, who are you and what have you done with Jo?" Zoe asked, with no real heat behind her words. "Seriously, something's going on with you. Spill." Jo gave her a tired smile.
"It's nothing Zoe, really," she assured her, sitting down on Zoe's bed. "I'm just trying to take it easy." Zoe crossed her arms over her chest, her expression unconvinced.
"Try again." She said. Jo sighed.
"Zane told me he loved me," she admitted. Zoe surged onto her feet in surprise.
"Jo, that's great!" She exclaimed. "Maybe that's why he's been acting so weird for the last few weeks - he's been trying to tell you!" But Jo shook her head. She'd thought about this almost the whole way to Boston.
"No," she said slowly. "I don't think he meant to say it. He looked upset when he drove away." She shook her head. "I shouldn't have come," she said, a wave of dread rising up with her sudden certainty. Something was wrong at home, and she'd realized it too late. Zoe bit her lip, watching her uncertainly.
"Well, now that you're here," she said with forced cheerfulness, a little concerned herself, "how about I give you the grand tour?" Jo smiled at her weakly, trying to brush away her sense of dread. "I'd like that," she said honestly.
As Zoe led her from the room, chattering happily, Jo thought once more of Zane's expression that morning when he'd driven away. She'd give Carter a call tonight, she decided, the weight on her shoulders reducing somewhat. He'd keep an eye on things.
But the persistent sense of impending disaster never quite went away.
The call didn't come until two days later, when Jo had just begun to relax and dismiss her fears. She was running an errand with Zoe, picking up Zoe's newly repaired bicycle from a little shop just outside of Cambridge. It was a frigid day, and the two of them had bundled up, though by now the extra layers did very little to disguise Jo's baby bump.
Inside, the store was well lit and clean, though bicycles and bicycle parts seemed to hang from every available surface and there was the occasional tire track on the floor. Something smelled incredible, and Jo's eyebrows rose when she spotted the electric skillet full of stir fry currently being ladled into bowls by the man at the counter. He glanced up as the door opened.
"Zoe! Hey, Paul, Zoe's here!" He shouted over his shoulder.
"I heard you the first time!" Came a muffled voice from below. "Come give me a hand with the elevator!" The man at the counter scowled, stepping away from his food, and looked up at them.
"Just one moment, please," he said pleasantly, and Jo watched with surprise as he activated a contraption at the back of the room, where two bikes rose slowly on a platform through a hole in the floor. Zoe grinned at her.
"Isn't this place fantastic?" She asked. An older man, hair shot through with gray - Paul, she assumed - appeared on the other side of the room.
"Did you get her ticket, Arnie?" He asked the first man, but Zoe stepped forward, proffering the receipt in her hand before he could answer. He gave her a fatherly smile.
"I'll be right back with it," he promised, and disappeared to the other end of the room. Arnie leaned against the glass counter, taking a bite of his stir fry and studying Jo.
"So, who's this?" He asked Zoe, who gestured at Jo proudly.
"This is Jo," she told him, "she's visiting from home. She was in the Army too," she added proudly. Arnie gave her the look-over.
"What division?" He asked casually, but there was something she disliked in his eyes.
"Rangers," she said, stiffly. His eyebrows rose infinitesimally.
"Not anymore, though," he said pointedly, eyes fixed on her baby bump. Jo squared her shoulders.
"Not for a while, no," she said shortly. There was something disconcerting about being outside of Eureka. At home, all this was taken for granted, was just part of the past. There was no way to explain her current job description to an outsider, not really.
Fortunately, she didn't have to, as Paul took that moment to call Arnie back to the bicycle lift. Zoe's bicycle appeared only minutes before the older man reappeared. He had just stepped behind the cash register when Jo's phone rang. She fished it out of her pocket, glancing at them apologetically, but froze when she saw the name on the caller ID. Carter. She picked up immediately.
"Carter?" She asked, trying not to sound overly worried. Perhaps he just wanted to check in with her and Zoe.
"Jo," he said. His voice was low and urgent, and this was clearly, unavoidably, bad news. "There's been... Zane is in bad shape. You need to come back. Now." The other occupants of the room watched as Jo's face went white. "Fargo is sending one of GD's private planes. It should be ready for you and Zoe in seven hours." Jo's eyes darted to Zoe, who was watching her from the cash register.
"I'll be ready," she said, stunned. She could hear Carter hesitating over the phone, like he wanted to say something comforting, but he didn't. That alone frightened her more than anything he'd actually said so far.
"I'll see you soon," he said, and hung up. Jo pulled the phone away from her face slowly, in shock. Zoe and the older man whose name seemed entirely unimportant to her right now stared at her.
"Are you alright?" Zoe asked. Jo shook her head absently. Zoe exchanged a glance with Paul.
"You should sit down," he said firmly. Jo clutched at the phone. Zane. She hadn't even realized she'd said it out loud until Zoe was in front of her, pulling the cell phone out of her grasp and guiding her into the chair that Paul had just pulled over to her.
"We have to go," she said suddenly. Zoe shook her head, eyes worried.
"Jo, I really think you should just sit down for a while..." she protested.
"No, Zoe, your dad called, we have to go, he wouldn't tell me what's wrong but they're sending a plane..." she could see the two men from the bike shop watching them curiously, but she didn't care, what did it matter, really. All that mattered was getting to that plane. Zoe was starting to realize how serious this was. She swirled her head to look at the two men behind her.
"I'm sorry, we have to go, something happened at home... family crisis," she babbled. "Thank for the bike..." Paul held up a hand, stopping her short.
"I'll drive you home," he told her. "The car is faster, and your friend here isn't in any shape to take the T. Your bike will fit in the trunk." Zoe glanced at Jo, then back at the bike shop owner, and began to nod so rapidly, she could be a bobble-head doll.
"Thank you," she said, and tugged on Jo's arm. "Jo, come on, we're going to go right now," Jo let Zoe lead her away, her mind still spinning. What on Earth had happened back at GD?
Jo barely slept on the trip home, though it was an overnight flight. Instead she stared blindly out the window and into the dark, her fingers twisting through the chain around her neck that still held the engagement ring. Zoe was curled in a ball beside her, fast asleep in one of the private jet's reclining seats. When they finally arrived at GD, Jo was exhausted, virtually dead on her feet, but she didn't break her stride for a minute when Carter met them at the landing strip behind GD. He looked about as good as Jo felt.
"Allison says he stabilized about three hours ago." He said hurriedly. "Jo... maybe you should get some sleep first." Carter said. He seemed worried. Jo didn't care.
"You should have been watching him," Jo snarled as she shoved past him, towards the back entrance. Carter couldn't have looked more stricken if he'd been slapped. His face fell, and Zoe, who'd seen the whole thing from the stairs out of the plane, bit her lip as they both watched Jo storm away like the force of nature she was.
"She didn't mean it, Dad. She's just upset. You - you should've seen her face when you called." She told him. Her father's eyes trailed Jo to the door before he turned to face his daughter.
"Thanks, Zo. It's good to have you home." He wrapped an arm over her shoulders and they began walking. She leaned her head against him and yawned.
"What happened?" She asked. Jack hesitated, which Zoe noticed, tired though she was.
"His experiment went badly wrong," Jack said finally, though by now he and the others knew it was a lot more than that. Zoe caught the reluctance in his tone.
"Does this have something to do with whatever it is you're all not telling me?" She asked, her voice plaintive.
"...I don't know," he answered, less surprised by the question than he supposed he should be. "We think it might." Zoe was silent for a moment.
"Jo knew something was wrong." She said eventually. Jack flinched.
"I know." He admitted. "I promised I'd keep an eye on him for her." He sighed. "No wonder she's angry." Zoe squeezed him around the waist silently and then cast her mind about for a way to change the subject.
"So how are things with you and Allison?" She asked as he opened the door. Jack smiled, recognizing her attempt at distracting him, and latched onto the question gratefully.
Jo reached the infirmary in record time, where an unkempt Allison was staring intently at a computer's monitor. She looked up as Jo entered the room.
"Jo!" She said, jumping out of her chair. "Where's Jack?" She asked, noticing Carter's absence. Jo ignored her question, more intent on her own.
"Where is he?" Jo demanded, her eyes darting around the room, but not really taking anything in.
"Jo, maybe you should sit down..." Allison suggested.
"I'm fine!" Jo whipped around to snap at her. "Where is Zane?" Allison gestured at the screened off portion of the room that Jo had missed in her haste.
"He's over there. But, Jo," Allison tried and failed once more to get the other woman's attention. Jo was past the curtain in an instant.
Zane lay on the bed, still and pale. He was hooked to an IV, and the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor represented his pulse. Jo froze.
"He's in a coma, Jo." Allison said quietly. Jo stepped back, her hand flying of its own accord to the ring around her neck, her chest constricting. Allison, recognizing her distress, pulled over the nearest chair.
"Here," Allison said simply. Jo sat down, looking shell-shocked, and Allison pulled up a second chair for herself.
"What happened?" Jo asked, looking up at Allison, who hesitated for a moment.
"We're not... we're not sure yet. Jack found him like this in Grace's lab. Grace thinks he made some kind of alteration to her PTSD device." Allison took a deep breath. "He overdosed, Jo." Jo stared at Allison, disbelieving.
"You know he doesn't use," Jo reminded her. "Not anything." Allison licked her lips nervously.
"There are studies," she said slowly, "that link LSD to the Akashic field." Jo stared at her.
"As in, the Artifact?" She clarified. Allison nodded reluctantly. "The one that killed those people, and nearly - " Jo broke herself off, remembering that the infirmary was monitored, and that Kevin would never have been linked to the Artifact in this timeline.
"We've initiated sonic protocols," Allison assured her. "And yes, we believed the Artifact was linked to the Akashic field - which is supposed to be a source of universal knowledge." Allison paused to let her words sink in. "Jo, we think he was trying to get his memories back from the old timeline." Jo froze.
"Could that even work?" She asked, her voice trembling. She wasn't certain she really wanted to know the answer. Allison threw her hands up in the air.
"It's completely theoretical!" She exclaimed. "It would be incredibly dangerous to attempt, especially knowing what we do about the way the others connected to the field died." Jo looked back at Zane where he lay motionless. It was exactly the kind of arrogant thing he'd think he could get away with, when no one else could. She reached out to wrap his hand in hers where it rested on the sheets.
"You should get some sleep," Allison said softly. Jo didn't look at her, her eyes fixed on the sharp contrast between Zane's shock of black hair against the crisp white sheets.
"Make me a bed," she said, stroking the back of his hand with her thumb.
"Jo - "
"I'm not going anywhere, Allison." Jo said flatly. Behind her, she could hear Allison's sigh and the creak of the chair as the other woman stood. Allison walked away, heels clicking against the floor, but returned quickly, though there was no bed in sight when Jo spared her a quick glance. Allison reached out to Jo, handing her an envelope.
"We found this next to him," she told her, before walking away again. Jo shifted her eyes to the bulky envelope and was faintly surprised to see her name written in Zane's untidy scrawl. She bit her lip, glancing at him, and pulled her hand from his to open the envelope.
Inside, she found a smaller envelope labeled 'Baby Lupo-Donovan', and she gave a half-laugh, half-sob, wishing she could tell him that she would've taken his name in the end. She fingered the smaller envelope, wondering what was inside, before pinching her lips together tightly and setting it aside. Hopefully no-one would ever need to know. Eyes feeling suspiciously moist, she pulled out the other bundle of papers in the envelope and unfolded them carefully.
Jo-Jo,
If you're reading this, then you are almost certainly aware that I have screwed up. (Unless you've been poking around in my things, but you wouldn't do that to me, now would you Jo-Jo?) This isn't what was supposed to happen, you see. I was supposed to regain my memories, marry you, and add a few more Lupo-Donovans to the mix (how does four sound, bobcat?), each one with their mother's sass and looks, and hopefully not their father's penchant for trouble. But here's the thing, Jo, and deep down we both know it's true: without those memories, I'm not the man you fell in love with. Oh, you can argue semantics if you want, but in the ways that count I will fall short. You deserve more - you need more, even. You and that baby. And because I've already slipped once, I'll admit it: I already love you. I've been loving you both since the day you woke me up with what was, even in Eureka, the most surreal moment of my life. If it weren't for that, maybe I could let it go on like this indefinitely. But, Jo, you deserve to be happy, and this is the only way I knew to ensure that.
But, as I said... if you're reading this, then I've failed in that as well. And for that I am truly sorry. I never meant to leave the two of you alone. I hope one day, you can forgive me.
Always,
Zane
Jo pressed her lips together tightly, making them a thin line of tension. A lone tear ran down one of her cheeks, fighting her efforts for self-control. She brushed it away impatiently and carefully refolded the papers and small envelope, returning them to the larger envelope. Her hands were shaking, and she realized that sometime in the last ten minutes, Allison had brought over a bed and closed the curtains around them. Jo was completely and utterly alone.
That was when she felt it: a soft fluttering in her stomach. Jo froze, not daring to breathe, almost forgetting everything around her. Then she felt it again. Jo breathed out slowly, sliding a cautious hand onto the expanse of her stomach. Not so alone, after all. She stood up, hand still curved around her stomach, and crawled onto the cot Allison had provided for her, suddenly aware how tired she truly was. She curled up, eyes still fixed on Zane, but rubbed her stomach comfortingly.
"We'll make it through this, little one," she whispered into the silence of the infirmary, and was surprised how natural it felt. For the first time since the stick had turned pink, this baby felt very, very real. She just wished she could share the feeling with Zane.
Disclaimer: Don't own Eureka.
A/N: I kind of agonized over this chapter before publishing it (it's so short compared to the last few chapters! What gives, Muse?), but I do think I said everything I meant to say. Hence its appearance. Also - that bike shop in Boston does exist, and if you're familiar with it, please god do not tell Arnie he got a cameo. I would never hear the end of it. Ever. Anyways - as you may have noticed - writing is moving fast for me lately, so hopefully you'll see another chapter reasonably soon.
ADM