Burdens

"You just had to lay that on her," Nyx was shaking her head at House.

"What are you talking about," House opened one eye to stare at Nyx. He also looked around and realised he was alone on Cuddy's couch. "She went to bed, didn't she?"

"Yes she did," Nyx informed him. "And what I'm talking about is you telling her that it's her fault that you no longer care if you save your patients or not."

"That is so not what I said," House insisted.

"And you are so drunk even in your sleep," Nyx admonished him. "Didn't walking sober you up at all?"

"Some," House shrugged. "What does it matter?"

"Nothing, I suppose," Nyx sighed. "Are you going to remember what happened tonight?"

"I'm not that drunk," House stated.

"Good," Nyx said. "So tell me, what were you thinking?"

"I'm not quite with you now," House frowned.

"Why did you tell Lisa that she is the reason why you lost your patient?" Nyx asked.

"I didn't," House denied. "Or at least not like that. Yes, loving her makes me less focused. I feel and that makes me a worse doctor because the patient, the puzzle is no longer all I have. But that is my choice. She may be the reason, but it is my choice."

"You think she will see it that way?" Nyx asked. "She has a very well honed sense of guilt."

"She had no problem with her guilt when she tried to talk me into taking the methadone," House stated. "And she was actively advocating that choice then. This time I chose without any input from her."

"But with the methadone she wasn't benefitting directly at all," Nyx pointed out. "Now it is her happiness as well that is paid for with lives."

"But I chose this because of my happiness, not hers," House said. "If there is any guilt or blame it is mine."

"You can't be sure she will see it that way," Nyx warned him.

"Then I will have to clear her vision for her," House decided.

"It might have been easier if you hadn't hit her with that particular information in the first place," Nyx said. "I mean, you could have just told her that even losing a patient is easier when she is in your life."

"That would have been a lie," House replied. "Nothing makes it easier or more bearable. I can deal with it, because if I don't I can't save the next patient. But nothing makes it easy."

"But it would have been kinder," Nyx suggested.

"I'm not the one who wanted brutal honesty," House recalled.

"I'm not so sure this is what she meant when she said that," Nyx doubted.

"Then she is the one who should have rephrased her words," House insisted. "She knows me, if you want me to be brutally honest, I will be. Besides, she's no delicate flower and I'm not a kind man."

"You are kinder than you let yourself be," Nyx insisted. "And now was the time to let yourself be that."

"She has a way of knowing when I'm being false," House muttered.

"Really!" Nyx didn't sound believing. "You haven't ever successfully lied to her then?"

"Sure I have," House admitted. "But this is not about lies, this is about being false. She knows when I'm not being myself. She has always got suspicious then and now she is in a position to insist on answers. Besides, she has the right to know."

"It's not the knowing that is the problem here," Nyx insisted. "It's the telling. And, fine, maybe a little bit the knowing as well. You didn't need to paint the full picture in such harsh colours."

"Look," House sat up and rubbed his face – these dreams were getting a little too realistic for his taste, but without waking up there wasn't much he could do. "How do you sugar-coat a dead patient? There are no pastels you can use to paint that picture. Dead is dead. And the reason was that I didn't get the diagnosis in time. With treatment he would have been ok. I was too slow."

"Or because the patient wasn't honest about his job in time," Nyx proposed.

"But he was," House declared. "As soon as we accused him of lying he came clean – no pun intended."

"But had he been honest with his wife about his job, he might not have used Vicodin to mask his pain," Nyx stated. "Who knows what other early symptoms it masked or he just missed. If he hadn't needed to mask the physical strain his new job caused him he and his wife might have been able to give you clearer symptoms earlier on. And most importantly, his wife would not now face penury alone with their kid. She could have got a job and they could have kept their savings and all that for real emergency – like this one."

"Possible," House admitted. "But once he did tell us what he did…"

"Then he opened a whole world of new possible causes for his illness," Nyx interrupted. "You are good, much better than anyone else, but you're not infallible. Never have been."

"Nice try," House complimented her. "But I know myself. I know when I am at my best, and with Cuddy I am not the best doctor I can be. I'm ok with it. I do have the right to pursue happiness the same as any other person as long as I can live with the price. And Cuddy is worth the price. But she also has the right to know now and not later what the price is."

"But why does she need to know at all?" Nyx asked. "Why not protect her from that knowledge? It's not like you're not still the best doctor in the hospital. It's not like you're keeping an affair or some financial problem from her."

"She loves me," House stated. "She says she loves me as I am. So do I have the right to expect her to stand behind her words? I think I do. Maybe I'm unconsciously sabotaging myself, but even so, this is the only me I can offer. Lisa is no fool. She will eventually figure out how our relationship affects me. There is a possibility that she doesn't want me anymore then, either because I'm not what she thinks I am or because she thinks the price is too high. But if that is what will happen, then I have the right to find out sooner rather than later."

"So this is a test?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House claimed. "No, I don't mean to test her. It may test our relationship, but then there are a lot of things that have and will do that anyway. But this is who I am and she has the right know. And I have the right to know if this really is what she loves."

"Do you still doubt her?" Nyx frowned.

"I have never doubted her," House declared. "But I may have doubts about us. And me."

"Are you calling it quits?" Nyx asked. "Subconsciously?"

"Am I?" House countered. "Aren't you the one who is supposed to know?"

"If I am," Nyx pondered the question."Then I'll have to say no, you're not calling it quits. But you are living dangerously."