Love is a burning thing…
"I'm sorry," Nyx said as she sat down on the bathroom floor.
"So am I," House said raising his eyes from the Vicodin bottle he had been contemplating. "But how can you be here when I'm not asleep nor have I taken any Vicodin yet."
"You're tired and depressed," Nyx shrugged.
"So I'm hallucinating," House concluded.
"Maybe not exactly," Nyx pondered. "Your imagination is just working overtime and you're projecting."
"Because I'm depressed," House observed quietly.
"Or just preoccupied. Though depression is understandable," Nyx accepted. "And yet… Why did you take the Vicodin?"
"Wilson said that I needed to be there for Cuddy," House sighed. "And the only way I could do that was to numb the rawness of my fear. He said that whatever happens it will be worse if I'm not there. But I don't think anything could have been worse."
"The variable he didn't see was Vicodin," Nyx pointed out. "All bets were off when you introduced that into the equation."
"Yeah, it's always the Vicodin," House laughed bitterly. "They use it as an excuse for everything. Always have."
"You are an addict," Nyx reminded him. "You're a doctor, so is Cuddy. You both know how addiction affects families and relationships."
"Even when the so called addiction takes away the pain that hinders function?" House asked.
"The 'functioning addict' excuse flew out of the window with Mayfield," Nyx pointed out.
"I am in pain," House stated quietly.
"We all are," Nyx said. "But Vicodin only ever helped your physical pain. The rest of it, it just masked so you wouldn't have to deal with it."
"As my bestest buddy Wilson says: a problem denied is a problem delayed." House declared.
"And it's not working that well for him either," Nyx asserted.
"It works wonders unless other people start to poke at you, and watch you and over-interpret everything you do and say." House muttered.
"Is that what you think Cuddy did?" Nyx asked.
"It was just one time!" House insisted. "I'm not slipping back!"
"If it was just one time and you're not slipping back," Nyx observed. "Then why are you sitting on your bathroom floor thinking of taking more?"
"Because what difference does it make? I'm just a Vicodin addict to them." House demanded. "I do whatever she wants, change myself to whatever she wants, follow her like a puppy and then she gets tired of me and kicks me to the curb."
"You know that is not true," Nyx objected gently. "The only thing she has wanted to change about you is your addiction. Ok, she may have a slightly optimistic idea of what you are like without Vicodin, but I'm sure she can handle that. However, you know perfectly well that she can't be with an addict. She has a child to consider. She cannot risk Rachel finding one of your secret stashes and eating all the 'candy'. You can't risk it either, because after that, there will be no hope for you two."
"And is there now?" House scorned. "Is she going to change her mind all of a sudden and walk through that door to save me from myself?"
"She didn't do it the last time," Nyx insisted. "She told you then that she can't be the one to rescue you from Vicodin. You have to do it yourself. And if you don't, she can't be with you."
"I don't need Vicodin when I'm with her," House pointed out.
"And is she to be a hostage to your Vicodin for the rest of her life?" Nyx wanted to know. "You say you don't need Vicodin when you are with her, but the moment she got seriously ill you run to your stash. She didn't even know you still had one!"
"Just a test stash," House muttered. "I just wanted to know that I was choosing to be without because I can, not because I have to."
"I can't believe you!" Nyx yelled at him. "You are a doctor; you know how addictions work. You know there isn't an addict who keeps true 'test-stashes'. The talk about a 'test' is just an excuse for having easy access when things get too tough. You know perfectly well that you don't stay sober because you choose to but because you have to. You have to make falling off the wagon a total non-option if you want to succeed. You know this. A 'test-stash' is just a relapse waiting to happen."
"I wouldn't have taken any had Cuddy not been in danger," House explained grumpily.
"Yeah, that's a great way to make her feel special," Nyx scorned. "As the hostage to your sobriety. She can't put herself there. I mean what will it be next time? How much of her life does she need to adjust to serve your addiction? She can't get sick, because if she does you'll take Vicodin. She can't leave your because that will make you take Vicodin. She can't talk about your issues and emotions, because you'll just take Vicodin. She can't spend too much time with Rachel because you'll take Vicodin."
"That's unfair!" House interrupted her. "I have never held Vicodin over her head and tried to make her to do things my way. If anything I've tried to adjust to her needs and wants."
"True, you haven't done that yet," Nyx agreed. "But you know how addictions work. Why would you be different from other addicts? Sooner or later Vicodin would be the 'guiding light' of your relationship. You would both be controlled by your desire for it."
"It would not go that far," House insisted. "I would not let it go that far. I only took it once."
"All addicts lie," Nyx quoted him back at him. "That is what you said. And when you are honest with yourself you know it is true. You need to kick this habit on your own first before you can involve Cuddy in your life. Yes, she left you in too much of a hurry, but though I think her reasons were screwed she still did the right thing. Your actions show that you don't know how to handle the problems life throws at you and you're not even willing to try. You much rather mask them and push them away. And that doesn't work with life. The problems keep on coming and somebody needs to deal with them and she doesn't want to be the 'designated driver'. She wants a partner, however imperfect, but still someone who will stand by her because he can, not because he has drugged himself to the gills. Besides it was pushing away your problems that landed you in Mayfield, and Cuddy most definitely doesn't want to live through that again."
"She didn't live through it the last time," House claimed.
"You think so?" Nyx laughed. "Why do you think she landed on Lucas's lap?"
"Because she found him cute?" House suggested.
"If she wanted cute she could have got a puppy," Nyx scoffed. "She needed distraction and he was there."
"Ah, I see," House exclaimed. "It's ok for her to find distraction, but I'm condemned to hell if I try. Yeah, that's equality for you."
"She needed distraction because you were in pain and she could neither help you nor be with you," Nyx pointed out. "And, of course, she still believed that she could 'not love' you."
"Well now she knows she can," House stated.
"Not true," Nyx argued. "She just believes that she can't have a relationship with you. As she can't as long as you choose Vicodin over her."
"I didn't!" House asserted. "I took Vicodin so that I could be with her."
"Same difference," Nyx shrugged. "If she can't have you without Vicodin, then she can't have you."
"This is the only me there is," House professed. "Vicodin is nothing. It's just an aid. She might as well insist that I have to give up my cane to be with her."
"The cane doesn't change your personality," Nyx reminded him.
"The pain does," House countered.
"But there are other ways to handle the pain – both your pains – than Vicodin," Nyx offered. "If you take those pills now, you will lose her. If you get help and stop this relapse now, if you get back on the wagon, you will still have a chance with her. She will return to you if you show her that she really can have you without the Vicodin. That is all she has ever wanted."
"That's not what it felt like," House said.
"Maybe you're right," Nyx conceded. "Maybe in addition to you kicking the addiction she also wanted to get close to you. Not to be shut out."
"I never shut her out," House insisted.
"That was pretty much all you did," Nyx sighed. "You deflect, you make a joke, you get drunk, you walk away. You had to get blind drunk to be able to tell her how much she means to you. Every other time she tried to get you to open up you turned the conversation to sex. Or then you left. You can't blame her for seeing you as only an addict – and a brilliant doctor – because that is all you have ever let her see of you. You have never let her close enough to get to know you. So how could she know you? She isn't clairvoyant."
"But she did say she loved me as I am," House smiled bitterly. "How could she when she didn't even know me?"
"Because love can see deeper than the other senses," Nyx insisted. "Deep down she knows you are a good man. But she also knows that until you let her get to that good man, until you aren't dependent on Vicodin, she can't be with you. You need to show her that her love was not wrong. It will take time, but you need to show her. And the first step is not to take those pills and go back to rehab."
"And if I do that can you guarantee that she'll come back?" House asked.
"No, that I cannot do," Nyx refused to lie. "But what I can guarantee is that if you do take those pills then you will definitely lose her."
"And I can tell you that it doesn't matter what I do," House stated. "She is gone for good. So what does any of this matter?"
"Your life matters," Nyx was getting desperate. "Yes, maybe Lisa is not coming back to you, but if you get your life together there may be someone else out there for you. You connected with Lydia! You can connect with someone else. As long as you don't let Vicodin ruin your life."
"Vicodin isn't ruining my life," House laughed. "It makes it bearable."
"Don't, please don't take the pills," Nyx pleaded.
"Why not?" House demanded. "Once again I burn myself. Don't you think I deserve some pain relief?"
"Don't," Nyx implored. "It won't make your pain go away."
"Maybe not," House agreed. He glanced at the corridor leading from the bathroom to the front door. "But it sure isn't making it worse either."
"No!" Nyx cried as House threw the pills into his mouth and swallowed.
House closed his eyes waiting for the pills to go down and start their magic. When he opened them Nyx was nowhere to be seen. "Figures," he sighed.