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I hear the door open, expecting to see Lisa or Thomas running to check on me, "Peeta…" I flush, this is so embarrassing, "I…" but I heave again, nothing coming up because there's nothing in my stomach.
He gingerly wipes the drool from my mouth with a tissue and hands me a glass of water, "My mom said to keep you hydrated…" I nod, "And…" he pulls out a packet of saltines, "To try and get your stomach to hold something," I nod and sip at the water.
"You can join me if you'd like… I think I'm done wetting myself… and I don't have any diseases… They've checked me…" I tell him glumly, nibbling at a corner of a cracker nervously.
"Normally people say they don't bite," he tells me, kicking off his shoes.
"You've never had heroin…" I continue nibbling as he joins me.
"So…"
"So…" I echo, having bitten the edges off and rounding the cracker into a perfect circle, as per usual. Finally I would one bite it.
"What… do I call you?"
I stare down at my thinned legs, several marks from where a needle sunk deep giving me that which I crave the most, I'm a shadow of the woman I was two weeks ago, and not even close to who I was in my first body, but I'm still me, "I think you call me… sexy…" I smirk, seeing if he'll take the bait.
"Only when we're alone…" perfect, he gets the reference.
"We are alone," I lean into him, my now bony shoulder pressing against his arm, which he moves to throw around me.
"Oh, come on then… Sexy…" he kisses the top of my head.
"So… you believe me, right?"
"I think… It's all too weird, but. There are things you… you've said, and that you do. There's only so much you can say is coincidence…" he taps his chin with his finger, "I have a lot of questions though…"
"I'm confined to this bed until my lung is healed, which could be a few weeks, I have all the time in the world," he moves away only for a moment to lift the school bag onto the bed.
"Not if you want to finish your junior year on time," I groan as he pulls out my entire locker full of books and binders.
"Ok… start asking, because once my mom gets here to hook me up, I may go loopy for a while…" they were 'detoxing' me with methadone, a lesser high they could control and was safer apparently.
"You can't call her your mom, they'll think you're crazy…"
"And you don't?" I eat a few more crackers, and sip more water.
"Kat, I've always know you were nuts, since the moment you pulled me out of the water…" he pauses, kissing my temple, "Ok… question one… What did it feel like to die?"
"You know those dreams… Where you're falling?" he nods, "It was like that for me, only into the air," I press my hand to my heart, "There's this… bright gold tether that holds your spirit to your body as your heart stops and your brain dies it fades…" I look up, he's nodding trying to understand.
"Did it hurt?" I shook my head no.
"I was gone too fast… Katrina though, when she died…" I shuddered, "It was horrible, you saw the recovery," he nodded.
"Since you got here… How much has been her?"
"Not a lot, it was like… I thought I was her, but I was acting like me…" he nods again, taking the information objectively, not judging my words, "Her father… he had drugged me, ever few hours to build it up, make me as dependent as possible, he messed up I guess and basically the last piece of her gave up and I took control… Though, not without my heart stopping," I rest my head on his chest, his beautiful heartbeat, each one signifying life going on.
"How… and why?"
"I don't know why… That's for you and I to figure out… How? Well, there's this whole like… waiting process for you to move on. Which starts with I assume an analysis of what you could be especially if you were cut short…" I look down at my hands, "At my funeral… You took my hand and I could feel it, though I was a ghost. When I was being judged, or pleading my case to go back I showed them that my spirit reacted to your body."
"Like prom?"
"I was so worried that you were too drunk to remember," he chuckles.
"I was too drunk to believe it… but I felt something… Like static," he rubs his chin, "You said you didn't have a lot of time?"
"My spirit was getting weak, fighting for control, or well, to find my memories… I'd drop hints while I slept but most nights I watched over you…"
The door creaked open, "Katrina!" Prim… I open my arms for my baby sister, who isn't much of a baby anymore, she comes over briskly and gingerly climbs into my arms.
"Prim…" I sob, afraid to say more, I stroke her hair, remembering all the nights I'd stay up and help her braid it so it was wavy the next day, how she'd come to my bed instead of our parents when she had a nightmare.
"Give me your arm?" Prim pulled from my grasp and moved out the door, which was probably for the best, she didn't need to see all this, "At least your hands stayed out of this…" I wince as the needle breaks my skin, "I'm going to run saline for a few minutes," I try to nod, watching my mother work. She can't know this is me… She can't. My hand accidently brushes against her abdomen, I feel it… Rounded and firm.
"You're… pregnant?" I fight to get the words out, she just nods.
"It was unexpected… I found out a few weeks after…" she looks at Peeta, who hasn't let go of my hand, "My oldest was taken from us…" I nod, looking away, completely unable to meet her gaze. I'm right here mom… I just can't tell you, especially with the baby… you can't know the child you're pumping full of drugs is your daughter.
I notice pink buds in the closest bouquet to me, "Here, Misses Everdeen… A peony for healing and happiness…" I tuck it in her hair as the intoxicating drugs began numbing me.
"Thank you, Katrina…" she sits on the bed, holding my hand, "Peeta, could you go get your mother or father? I need to give her overnight dosing instructions… This would be easier if we could keep her at my house… But our only vacant room is being turned into a nursery…"
"It's fine…" I whisper, I need to detach myself from them anyway…
"How are you feeling?"
"Kind of fuzzy… But the pain's going away…"
She nods and moves a dial on the line to control the flow, "It won't last… The next few days are going to be difficult," I just nod, "You're going to have to try to eat even if it comes up, and sleep even if you can't. You need your strength," I just nod again feeling my bed shift. I expect to see Peeta, or Lisa, but its Prim, opening up my math book.
"I hate math…" she sighs flipping through the pages.
"Only because you're not doing well honey…" Prim frowns, she was never particularly good at math.
"I could tutor her if you want?" perfect, an excuse to be close to Prim, "I mean, I'm not going anywhere any time soon… She could come here after school a few nights a week. I'll help her with her other homework too…" I look at my pile of books, "I don't have much else to do."
"What do you think, Primrose?"
Prim looks skeptical but nods, "Sounds good, if she can make algebra make sense I'll bow down to her after running through the streets singing her praises."
A woman clearing her throat pulls our attention, "Ah Lisa," she begins pulling out bottles from her bag, "Please hide this one in a place she won't find it… It's her methadone," Lisa nods and turns the bottle over in her hands several times, looking at the dark syrup, "Dilute it in some juice, give it to her only after she eats…" I can feel her watching me basically drooling over the syrup, "Make it a reward…"
"It's so small…" I start, "How is that little thing supposed to help me?"
"It's one dose. The drug is very… controlled. You'll be on it for twenty one days, getting less and less until you're off," I nod, she takes my hand gingerly, "Make sure she's not scratching at her IV, or pulling it out. She's still pretty dehydrated and needs well, everything in here," she pats the IV bag, "I'll be back once more later to change her bag, then back in the morning…"
"How often should she take this?" Lisa shakes the methadone bottle gently.
"Once a day, after eating…"
I snap, immediately filled with panic and rage, "That's not enough!" I hiss.
"These next few days are going to be terrible, Katrina, but you'll need to fight everything if you want to get through this…" I push back into my pillows, ignoring the pain, the dull throb from where the bullet that almost killed me a second time entered my body.
This… no one says what it really is. A desperate man whose idea of getting someone to stay with him was by basically ruining their lives. I wouldn't even mention the fact that he sold me three times in one night for some extra cash.
I pick at some soup, almost shocked that it doesn't come back up as Peeta helps me catch up on biology. It was decided that once I was more under control Prim would come every day after school so I could help her study for her Algebra final. I knew how intense my parents could get when it came to studying, I had to save Prim from the same fate as me.
"Cardiac…" I mumble, the pain was coming back, but my mother had already left for the night, I would have to ride it out as part of my detox. I could be given motrin but it wasn't making a dent.
He holds up another flashcard, this time of an epithelial tissue, "Simple columnar…" I grip the sheets, having given up writing my paper for history the only thing I could do right now was sit and let Peeta quiz me.
"Want to take your biology test? I'll write for you…" he pressed the back of his hand to my forehead to check if I had a fever again. I was constantly covered in a light sheen of sweat, always shivering.
I bit my lip, "You should go find my methadone… I need it, I won't tell anyone…" I beg, almost crying. I was so weak, so damned weak.
"Kat, no…"
"Then go to bed!" I snap, "What good are you if you're just going to sit here and let me suffer!"
"Do you think this is easy for me? For any of us? Katniss, this is hell, watching you suffer like this… it's killing me, the only reason I'm not curled up in a ball in the corner is because I have you back, and you're safe," he kisses my forehead, "If you need anything, just shout…"
I look away, "Just get some sleep Peeta, you have school in the morning…" when he leaves I curl in on myself, it's horrible, absolutely horrible. I scratch at my face, my arms, I take off my clothes, then put them back on a minute later because the hot flash has given way to an icy cold chill. Every fiber of my being burns, absolutely burns, at one point I'm positive my hair and nails start hurting. I bite my finger, trying to choke back the sobs when my door opens again.
"Katniss…" Peeta breathes, it's late… Somehow I've managed to suffer through four hours.
"Please just leave me… I don't want you to see me like this!" I hiss as he climbs into bed next to me.
"Shh…" he strokes my hair, still sitting up. I grab onto his night shirt and scramble into his lap, I need him. I need his strength. This is hell for both of us, maybe I could steal some of whatever is keeping him together. I curl up in his lap, burying my face in his chest as his strong arms try to steady me through the tremors and sobs.
I'm not sure I could have gotten through those first few days without him, any of them actually… I refuse to see any of our friends, every time Peeta offers to invite them over I tell him no, they can't see me like this. I feel bad enough having the Mellark's see the creature I've become. Frail as a porcelain doll with a short fuse.
On my fifth day home the twins took their hundredth senior skip day and spent it with me watching Maury and Jerry Springer.
We started making bets on whether or not the men in Maury were the father.
"Look at it, they're clearly both white, and that baby is… quadroon or something," I roll my eyes at Andrew.
"Andrew..." I scold, "Some babies are naturally tan," I start, "I was really dark as a baby now look…" I cut myself off before I say too much.
"Because you're a ginger, a soulless ginger," I roll my eyes, "With your tan skin and black hair."
"Shuddup Ryan, I may be small and skeletal right now, but I can still kick your ass…"
He pulled down the sheets, my camisole that once clung to this body's curves hung like a sack now. According to my mother, who because of my curiosity brought over a scale. I didn't know what I weighed before, but I was now one hundred pounds even.
"Ok… I'll get Peeta to kick your ass."
"Shut up both of you," Andrew scolds, popping a saltine in his mouth, "I want to hear if the quadroon baby is his."
"You… Are the father!" the man throws himself onto the ground in grief.
"Hah! Enjoy my closing shift Ry,"
I look over at the clock 2:30, school was just letting out. Peeta had a wrestling match tonight, "You two should spring me free…" they exchange a worried look.
"Please? My IV was taken out, I don't really scream in pain anymore…" I pout, "Come on, he came to my track meets, even the eight AM Saturday ones!"
They don't answer right away, "Come on… I'll shower?"
"Deal… Get up, you have like a week worth of grime to scrub off…"
Showering was difficult, mostly because of my stitches and general soreness but after about thirty minutes of fighting my general fatigue, the desire to vomit up my food, and the constant aches I dealt with, I was clean.
I slathered my stitches in ointment, apparently my lung was almost healed, we were just waiting on the ribs that were broken from the shot and the skin. Basically I wasn't even close to being in the clear.
The bandages covered up some of my now showing ribs.
"I need to fatten up…" I groan, and on cue, my stomach turns and the chicken and rice I stomached two hours ago forces its way out, but more importantly… my methadone.
"No…" I whisper flushing the toilet before my urges make me do something absolutely repulsive, "No… no… No…" I sob, curling up on the floor, punching the cabinets. The aches were back immediately…
Were they there? Were they in my head? I need more I needed…
"No… I don't need it…" I slid a little but I forced myself off the floor, rinsing my mouth and brushing my teeth, "I can do this… I can beat this…" a very real shooting pain spreads from my naval radiating out until every inch throbs.
I look down at my shaking hands, "Can I do this?"
I'm sure some people won't get the reference in the beginning of the chapter since some people aren't obsessed with Doctor Who. In the episode "The Doctor's Wife" our friend the Doctor meets a strange woman in a wasteland of dead TARDIS'S (TARDI? Plural not found). As it turns out she's his one love, his TARDIS in a human body. I thought it fit the situation. Though... Idris or Sexy meets a sad fate since you can't fit all the power of a TARDIS in a tiny human body... (Not foreshadowing, and this is not sarcasm)