Screwed

"So was Wilson right?" Nyx asked. "Do you need to believe you were robbed of a normal childhood?"

"I think I had a pretty normal childhood," House countered. "I got screwed up, just like everybody else."

"Adams says she didn't," Nyx reminded him. "And don't tell me they screwed her up by not screwing her up. That just doesn't work."

"Actually it works perfectly," House stated. "Amongst her peers she was the only one who came from a functional family. That made her different; an outsider. There is a point when belonging to a peer-group is more important than family and she did what she could to belong. But not knowing how to get screwed she screwed it up – as expected; that is what teenagers do – and she had to come home where her parents laid on her a guilt trip to end all guilt trips. And the best part of it was that they didn't intent that either. And that's why she is still trying to make up her one mistake to her parents."

"And how do you fit in with that?" Nyx wondered.

"Survivor guilt," House said simply.

"What do you mean?" Nyx wanted to know.

"She knows now how badly her rebellion could have ended," House explained. "She could have been raped – well, she sort of was as she didn't really want to be with that older guy, it was just part of the 'I need more problems in my life' –scenario -, she could have been introduced to drugs, she could have been killed. There is a plethora of things that could have happened to her and didn't. She got home very little worse for the wear and a little bit wiser. That is all. Now me, she thinks that I got more than I deserved for my 'rebellion' and she wants to somehow make it up to me possibly by rekindling my 'belief in humanity' or some such nonsense."

"You never had any belief in humanity," Nyx said.

"Not since I was eight," House confirmed.

"Do you think that you would have, had you been raised by your biological father?" Nyx returned to her first question.

"Do I think that John House would not have tried to fit me so hard into a mould I blatantly never could fit had he been my bio-dad," House asked. "Or are you asking if I would not have noticed that my real bio-dad was a philandering hypocrite had it been somehow possible for me to be raised by him?"

"Maybe I'm asking if you think you could have connected better with your Dad – whichever he was – had there been a biological connection as well," Nyx wondered.

"Assuming that I would still have been the same kid," House pondered. "Then: no. It was never the biology that was the issue. And being raised by a 'fundamentalist' military man is surely not that different from being raised by a 'fundamentalist' religious man. Neither take questioning their ideas, teachings and – most importantly – their judgement lightly. I've always had an inquiring mind; I have always needed to know. 'Because I say so' has never been a good argument for me."

"You use it often enough with your team," Nyx reminded him.

"Absolutely," House nodded. "And I expect them to question it. Even when I expect them to obey me."

"But you don't think obedience is that important either," Nyx smiled. "At least not your own."

"Now, who is it I'm supposed to obey?" House wondered. "I'm the boss!"

"Of your department," Nyx added. "But you're still on parole and there is Foreman."

"So aptly named, isn't he," House scoffed. "But he can only expect so much of me."

"Does he know how much – or little – he can expect?" Nyx sighed. "He seems to think that the ability to send you back in prison gives him an edge."

"Yeah, he does seem to think that," House agreed. "I wonder why?"

"Maybe he doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does," Nyx suggested. "Or he didn't get the full story about your added sentence."

"I'm fairly sure he doesn't know me as well as he thinks," House stated. "Or he thinks that prison is worse."

"It did nearly kill you," Nyx pointed out.

"Crossing a road can kill you, too," House pointed out.

"You don't really want to go back," Nyx maintained.

"No, I don't," House accepted. "I really don't want to go back. But I will it I have to. There are things that are worth it."

"But does Foreman know what those things are?" Nyx asked. "And do you? I mean, was a boxing match really one of them?"

"No, a boxing match really was not one of them," House said. "But then, I managed to get myself in there anyway."

"You conned Wilson and you conned Foreman," Nyx concluded. "You must be pleased with yourself."

"And how do you think I conned Foreman?" House was all innocence.

"You allowed him to think that he can be both your boss and your accomplice," Nyx explained. "He still needs to learn that blurring the lines doesn't work. Not between you two. He can't be your friend or your accomplice anymore. He used to enjoy your games but he can't be part of them now. Not if he wants you to take him seriously as your boss."

"He has already lost that game," House claimed. "I do appreciate his efforts to keep me out of prison, and I do understand that he can't get the board to give me what I want if I undermine his authority too much, but he really isn't my boss. He is the head of the hospital and I will co-operate as necessary – I do know how to cover my ass – but if not necessary, he is on his own."

"You used to be able to be friends with your boss and still respect her," Nyx whispered.

"And where did that get me?" House stated quietly. There was no bitterness to his voice, just a statement of facts.

"True," Nyx had to accept. "But you have to give Foreman some credit. He did get you out. And he can put you back in, if you rattle his cage too much. He does answer to the board and if you make him look like a fool in front of them he will send you back in, just to save face. You are aware of that?"

"Yes," House allowed. "But again, we come to the question: is it worth it?"

"In other words: you're screwed," Nyx sighed. "And so is Foreman."