Sisyphus

"So was Jimmy right?" Nyx queried. "Was it a question of a road not taken?"

"No," House sighed. "More like a road-not-even-an-option. She could leave her mother because her father, the parent she loved, was dead. And, unlike Chase, she didn't have anyone else depending on her."

"Yes, I did think her situation was more like Chase's than yours," Nyx nodded. "Plus, leaving your parent when he has taken you to a foreign country – and can mobilise actual military to look for you – is not that easy."

"Besides, I got out eventually," House shrugged. "Also, what damage was done was done well before I was old enough to run away. So no, I wasn't feeling any kinship with my patient because of that."

"But you did stand up for her against her mother," Nyx mused. "Why? If it wasn't for the reason Jimmy thought."

"The mother was an addict," House shrugged. "What other reason would I need?"

"But she is clean now," Nyx reminded him. "The social services were happy with what they saw."

"And the social services are renowned for their perspicacity," House scorned. "She is an addict. It really is as simple as that."

"You don't believe someone can recover from an addiction?" Nyx wondered.

"No," House stated firmly. "Maybe she will manage to postpone her lapse to infinity, but that is highly unlikely and even then she is still an addict. She has no right to make her child watch and wait to see if today is the day she will fall."

"Is that what you empathized with?" Nyx realised. "You know what it is like to wait for the axe to fall. Because you always wait for it to fall."

"I am an addict," House said. "It works both ways."

"No, it's not just that," Nyx disbelieved him. "Yes, you did go through that when you came back from Mayfield; you were sober for so long and it did seem like you finally were rewarded for your efforts when Cuddy chose you over Lucas. But even then, you were waiting for her to end it all, to open her eyes and see 'the addict' and not you. And you were waiting for the time when you were finally just too much 'House' and she decided that you had failed her. And you always knew you would fail her and you were waiting to fail her and it was all so complicated that in the end it seemed like just being the addict was easier. Everyone knew where they were supposed to be, how they were supposed to act and not to expect anything. Yes, in that sense it does go both ways; the addict expects to fail and is just waiting for it to happen. Those who are close to him wait for him to fail them, to fall back on the addiction and it is just so exhausting for all. But though that is all true, that is not all of it. You feel now that you are the one, who fails others, but first – long before your addiction – you learned to wait for others to fail you. It is true that you are not a child of an addict, unless you count total dedication to one's career an addiction, but your father still failed you in many ways. As many ways as your patient's mother failed her. Just differently."

"That's a lot of rationalization," House observed. "Especially as I went a bit further than just fall back on my addiction."

"But that's just it," Nyx explained. "You went back to the role everyone was expecting of you; you totally embraced their expectations and still it wasn't enough. They still expected more from you, some strange change that they couldn't even properly articulate. You did what they wanted and still things didn't go back to what they had been. So you snapped. When in doubt, you always self- destruct."

"It's my default position," House agreed ruefully. "Not that I accept your reading of the situation. But yes, I am self-destructive, it's obvious. I am an addict, no denying that. Sure, I'm also in pain which makes getting over the addiction a bit more difficult; where is the line between enough painkillers and too much when the pain goes away only after too much."

"That is what you patient's mother felt," Nyx said. "Shouldn't you feel sympathy towards a fellow sufferer?"

"She had a child," House replied. "She should have built some tolerance for pain and not try to dull it. Someone depended on her. Sure, she lost her husband but her daughter lost both her parents."

"You have patients depending on you," Nyx mentioned.

"And even high I'm better than most other doctors," House shrugged. "Also that is why I have a team. They are there to see to it that I don't go too far."

"Do they know when you go too far?" Nyx wondered. "They are so used to your methods by now that they might just trust you too much. Especially since you are right most of the time."

"That's why I have new blood in the team," House shrugged. "Especially Adams ought to be able to voice her doubts. Park, too, trusts her own judgement and isn't afraid to argue with me."

"They all argue," Nyx stated. "But they all also fall in line. And if they don't you manipulate them so that you still get what you think is best – and at the same time you teach them that no point in arguing with you as you will find a way to get your way anyhow."

"She was risking the patient's life and health with her rose coloured glasses," House scoffed. "She knew the girl didn't want to have anything to do with her mother and didn't trust the social services. Had we called them then, she would have bolted before we had a chance to figure out what was wrong with her. This way she at least got too sick to bolt before Adam's 'cavalry' arrived."

"And once she was well enough to survive outside the hospital," Nyx sighed. "She proved you right and bolted."

"She was a smart girl," House uttered. "She knew what she wanted and she had a pretty good plan on how to get it. She didn't need to live in fear to fulfil her dreams."

"Would it really have been that bad?" Nyx wondered.

"Why don't you ask Chase?" House suggested.

"His mother never got sober," Nyx pointed out.

"But his sister did," House countered.

"He is talking to her again," Nyx recapped.

"Very cautiously," House clarified. "He is still keeping an ocean and a continent between them."

"I suppose" Nyx acknowledged.

"And he seems to have made some kind of commitment to me," House pondered. "Not as complete nor as constraining as with family, but somehow it is still binding him. He didn't practice medicine when I was in prison. Yet, he can't be blind to my addiction."

"Maybe he thinks you handle it better?" Nyx ventured.

"I've been to a mental institution and prison," House laughed. "That's not handling it. Unless he thinks that just staying alive is 'handling it better' – but even so, he has to see how destructive it is to me and everyone around me."

"It is possible that he thinks that the good outweighs the bad," Nyx speculated. "You save lives nobody else seems to be able to save and they all seem to think you are some kind of Wizard or god of medicine."

"God doesn't limp," House sneered.

"Hephaestus does," Nyx said.

"But he is ugly!" House claimed.

"That he is," Nyx laughed out loud. "But even so, there is dignity. That is something you have in common."

"Nope," House stated seriously. "I try to do better, I do worse. I try to leave, but I always come back. I tread water most of the time. Except when I sink and take whoever is too close with me. There is no dignity unless you can see dignity in Sisyphus."

"But I can," Nyx told him gently.