To know that you're there

The night after his Nun had decided to go back to her cloister, Chase opened his eyes to find a White Lady sitting on his bed leaning against the headboard. They had met before in his dreams so he recognised her immediately: "Death!"

"You didn't think you could knock on my door at will and I wouldn't come out to play?" Death asked.

"I don't know why I see you now," Chase muttered. "I'm fine now, no longer dying or anything. I'm ok."

"Yeah, completely ok, cause 'it's enough to know that I'm here', right?" Death mocked. "Isn't that how you brushed off everyone?"

"What else was I supposed to say to them?" Chase asked. "They wanted to talk about it, but I didn't – still don't – see the point. Talking won't change anything."

"What would in your opinion?" Death queried. "I mean, you all reacted in your typical ways: you started to drink and sleep around – or more so than before at least; Taub took self-defence classes; Adams decided to do everything by the book from now on; and Park became scared of everything – well, she was rather timid to begin with, so that is hardly surprising. And what did all that achieve? You didn't feel any better and eventually fell in love with a Nun who decided to return to the cloister after a near death experience. And just so you know, don't dare to pin that on me! I don't tell people how to react to me, it's a choice you make in life and therefore not in my domain. But anyway, you got hurt. Taub tried to stay three steps ahead of House and found out that when you try to stay ahead of everything, then anything can sneak up on you from behind – and he got hurt. Adams found that going by the book means you have to rat on your friends and though she may still think it was the right thing to do it still hurts to betray a friend and see the disappointment and accusation in his eyes; also she will definitely find out that she can't go by the book for long when she works for House. Park found out that being afraid will paralyse her as a doctor and she has to overcome her fear and start trusting herself and her training – even if she needs someone to help her with it until she has faked it often enough for it to become real. She is the only one who actually learned something. To accept help from friends!"

"You think I should pour my heart out to Adams or Park then?" Chase demanded.

"Good heavens, no," Death dismissed the idea. "I know talking isn't your strong suit – though you could try a therapist. Or you could accept that House does know what he is talking about and just listen to him. Bad things do happen. They aren't anybody's fault they just happen. Same as good things. Just listen to him and think about it. Then, when you're good and ready, you talk with someone. Like you did with Hadley about Dibala."

"Thirteen isn't here now," Chase pointed out. "Can't really talk to her."

"You wouldn't have chosen her either, had she not been through something similar and needed your help as much as you needed to tell someone," Death told him. "You don't know who will be the right person and when is the right time until both present themselves. Right now you certainly can't talk to Adams, because she still blames you. She doesn't want to blame you, because it was her idea that you were willing to prove and she did stay there with you approving your actions and you did save her life. But that is her rational side talking. Her emotions still believe that House's pranks made you lose objectivity and you screwed up."

"Is that what you think, too?" Chase asked.

"This is your dream," Death stated. "I only know what you know, so if you think I'm blaming you, it can only be because you blame yourself."

"Why should I blame myself?" Chase set his jaw against the possibility. "It was House who decided to use the drugs that caused the psychotic episode."

"And you all knew that that was a possibility," Death reminded him. "One in three actually, which is pretty a pretty high probability. I understand that you wanted to hit House where it hurts – or where you think it would hurt him, but I'm sure you have already figured out that his ego is not nearly as vulnerable as one would think. Though it is a huge target. But though I do understand the temptation, I don't quite understand your hurry. You could have waited until the diagnostic trial was over."

"You think I was wrong," Chase said.

"You know you were wrong," Death replied. "There is no question about it now. Did you make a mistake? A small one, yes. This time. You didn't need to hurry with the biopsy, you could have waited. On the other hand, there may be a time in the future where you need to go against House or he will cut a little girl in half or something equally bad. House is well aware that his medication, his pain and his ways of dealing with it, may – and probably will – eventually compromise his mind. He knows that he needs a team that will stop him when that happens. And you need to know that you can and will do it, when it happens. So you were wrong, this time, but you didn't make a mistake."

"That doesn't really make sense," Chase mumbled.

"But you still understand what I'm talking about," Death smiled.

"I suppose," Chase admitted. "But I'm not sure I want to be his keeper."

"How about his replacement?" Death ventured.

"No!" Chase's reaction was immediate.

"Really?" Death didn't sound convinced. "You know that you went surfing when he was gone because only he allows you to practise the kind of medicine you want to. Maybe you don't want to replace him, maybe you just want to learn everything you can and then, when you have made sure there is someone else who will stop him if needed, you will leave and create your own reputation. And when that reputation is solid enough, you will start your own diagnostics team somewhere else. But you must understand: you are a lot like him and not just as a doctor. Learn from his mistakes and not only the medical ones. If you want to be a doctor like him you have to dedicate your life to that almost as totally as you would have dedicated your life to God had you had the faith to go through with your vows. It is bound to be a lonely road to some extend even if it doesn't have to be as lonely as his."

"My Father was as good as House, though his speciality was different," Chase observed. "He wasn't lonely."

"He was selfish," Death stated. "House knows – he knew even before the fiasco with Cuddy – that his 'god' is a jealous god and won't allow for a family or other commitments. Your Father made himself the 'god' and when he found something unsatisfactory, even when he was the one at fault, he took the easy way out. You were left to hold the bucket. Quite literally, too. He never believed anything was his fault."

"You are right about that," Chase agreed with feeling.

"House, however, is not your Father," Death presented.

"I never…" Chase started to deny.

"Sure?" Death doubted. "You have definitely treated him like he was. And it is time to let go. Mistakes happen, so do accidents. Good things happen too, though sometimes what is a good thing for someone else isn't what you want to happen. But everyone survived; everyone can try to do better the next time."

"And bad things will still happen," Chase sighed.

"As will good things," Death asserted. "Go back to work. It is what you love anyway."

"What about House?" Chase wondered. "I haven't accepted his apology. I don't even think he should have apologised to me. But I don't want to apologise to him."

"When has House ever liked to talk about these things?" Death asked him. "Just go back and wing it. If he's ok with you, then be ok yourself. Don't make it into too big a deal. He won't."

"I suppose," Chase allowed. "And I can't really delay it much longer anyway. I just have to go back and get it over with. It will be ok after a day or two."

"Exactly!" Death approved. "But when you go back to the old, do try not to knock on my door again, ok? I will come out when I'm good and ready."

"I'll try to be more careful," Chase smiled. Then he said seriously: "After all, it is enough to know that you are there."

"It is for most people," Death confirmed.