Waiting
"You know he didn't mean it," Nyx told House.
"He was in pain," House seemed to disagree with Nyx.
"It wasn't the pain that was talking," Nyx insisted. "It was humiliation. Pain may bring out truths that usually hide from the light of day, but humiliation just wants to hurt."
"Sometimes so does pain," House muttered remembering some of his worst moments.
"True," Nyx had to agree – she had been around those times. "But usually there is some humiliation involved in it as well, not just pain. Mind you, it is very rarely that pain comes alone."
"You got that right," House sighed. "Even Wilson never understood what pain really is."
"And now that he knows, you wish he didn't," Nyx stated. "Though it is more than likely that your life will be easier from now on, you still wish he had been spared."
"We don't know yet if my life will be easier," House pointed out. "Even if we did manage to shrink the tumour enough to make it operable, it can still kill him. It will be five years before he gets the all clear even if all treatments are successful. I may still lose my best friend and that is too high a price for better understanding of what it is to be me."
"Even if he survives?" Nyx asked.
"Yes," House didn't hesitate in his answer. "It has been frustrating, I admit, to be treated like I was just an addict; like the pain was all in my mind and I wanted the drugs just to get high. Yes, I have a problem with pain medication but I also have a huge problem with pain. Trying to get that across to people has always been futile. So now Wilson knows more. He even knows how humiliating it can be when pain robs you from the ability to go to the 'big boys' room' under your own steam. I'd rather he didn't."
"Why?" Nyx wondered. "He will now be less judgemental – and you always complain about that! How is this better understanding between you two so bad? I mean, sure, I can understand that you wish he hadn't experienced the pain he chose, but since he did and nothing can change it now, why not take what good can come out of it and accept it?"
"Because almost dying changes everything for two months, tops," House explained. "Once the euphoria of having survived passes and the memory of the pain fades, things will go back to where they were. It will be like nothing had happened at all."
"Surely he will not just forget everything you did for him!" Nyx exclaimed. "And everything he went through and felt during his illness."
"I'm sure he will make use of this experience with his patients," House shrugged. "But I don't have cancer."
"I can't believe that his idea of you - of whom and what you are hasn't changed for good after this," Nyx insisted. "Two months, two years, two decades can't change what he knows now. It may not be fresh in his mind every second of the day, but his eyes are now open."
"Eyes can be closed," House pointed out. "He can decide that it was drug induced hallucinations or that it wasn't as real as he believed."
Nyx was speechless for a moment and just stared at House. Then she seemed to get an idea: "Are you in denial of the change because you don't want to believe it?" she asked. "Are you afraid to believe that Wilson's attitude towards you has really altered because if he does go back to his old ways after the two months, you will get hurt. It is easier to live without something that you have never had than something that you have actually had – however brief the time might be. You are afraid that this change that has happened between you two is like the ketamine treatment that gave you your mobility back for two months. And then you lost it. And it hurt."
"Maybe," House said. "Also, I'm afraid that he will not survive. If he dies I will not lose just my best friend, but a friend who seems to finally begin to understand what really makes me tick."
"Pain," Nyx nodded. "It is quite the dictator."
"It sure is," House agreed.
"So, how do you go on from here?" Nyx asked. "You helped Wilson when he needed you – and least expected you to agree with him. What will happen now?"
"We wait," House shrugged. "There isn't much else we can do until we get the results of the chemo. If the tumour is smaller then he'll have the operation and then we wait again. Waiting is a big part of the art of medicine."
"No last hurrahs?" Nyx asked.
"The hundred things to do before you die?" House pondered. "No. Not enough time to get them done anyway and they usually are rather trivial. At least the ones that you can do just a few weeks before you think you may die. Getting a wife and having children with her do, after all, take minimum of nine months. And that's with someone just waiting in the wings."
"Wilson might like a proper 'Spring Break'," Nyx suggested. "He sort of missed most of this one."
"I took pictures!" House exclaimed indignantly. "Can I help it that he was plastered all of the time."
"No, I suppose not," Nyx laughed. "But as you said, almost dying changes everything for two months and Wilson might get adventurous."
"Don't hold your breath," House advised her. "Caution is Wilson's middle name. The last road trip we took, he was prepared for every contingency."
"Except being arrested," Nyx reminded House. "Only reason you did make it your Father's memorial service was because Louisiana didn't really want Wilson."
"I'm not so sure he couldn't have talked that sheriff into taking me the rest of the way in hand cuffs," House ventured. "They seemed to have very similar ideas about it."
"I wonder had they still felt the same had they known, that your Mother had your new step-Dad lined up already," Nyx ruminated.
"I doubt that," House said. "Wilson definitely is all for appearances and I'm fairly sure that so was that sheriff."
"So you don't expect to do anything but wait until the results come in," Nyx concluded.
"No," House affirmed. "We are now back in school – or in this case work – and the Spring Break is over, no matter how much 'fun' it was."
"The pictures you took," Nyx smiled. "Do you even understand the importance of the message they were for Wilson – not to mention that the gift of laughter is always welcome, especially when you are scared and feel alone. You can't laugh alone; somebody, somewhere, at some time shared your laughter. Always."
"Laughter I get," House said. "But message?"
"That you believed he would pull through and you could share the pictures with him," Nyx said. "You never lie to him, not when it really matters, not about truly important things. You believe that he will survive and that gives him a much better chance to actually survive."
"The force of positive thinking?" House scorned. "Yeah, that sure cures a lot of people."
"No it doesn't," Nyx said. "But sometimes what cures you is your willingness to fight and you only fight if you feel you have a chance to win. – Well not you, you sometimes just fight. But generally people do fight when they believe there is even a small chance to win. You help Wilson believe and he will fight. Yes, he may lose, but unless he is willing to fight he will lose for sure."
"You are probably right," House accepted. "If he doesn't believe that he can beat this tumour, he may well decide to kill himself to be spared the slow and painful death Cancer would bring him."
"You are now his trainer," Nyx suggested. "Help him believe in his chances."
"Do I have a choice?" House asked.
"Not if you want to keep your friend," Nyx answered.