My Only Sunshine

by Panda Gravy

He paced the waiting room like an expectant parent. He felt like one, too. They all loved Logan and Camille more than anything, this baby was about to be just as much a part of their family as it was the happy couple's. Jagan. PG-13.

2. Chapter 2

a/n: This chapter came out over 15k, so I had to split it in two, which means the next chapter is actually finished, and I should have it up within the next week once I'm happy with it. It also means this chapter may seem a little short compared to the first one. That being said, I'm sorry on the wait for this! Unfortunately, school and acting both took precedence after the first chapter went up, so I had to wait until I had free time to finish this one. And then its length got out of hand and had to be reined back in. I hope the wait was worth it, though. Enjoy and please, please, please review!

edit: I am SO sorry, everyone, I am so embarrassed right now. It wasn't until I received the first review and was thinking "Oh, god, is my writing so predictable that this person really knows what's going to happen in the next chapter?" that I realized that for some reason, I'd uploaded the wrong file and it wasn't saving correctly on my computer. What was up before was an unfinished version of this chapter combined with the next chapter. This is the correct Ch. 2. Again, I'm so sorry.

...

There was no one else in the bed when James woke up in the morning. His whole night was filled with dreams of glass shards scattered across a tile floor, watching Logan pick up piece after growing piece, his hands being cut by each one, and yet James never saw the need to stop him.

He sighed and rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. Sunlight leaked into the room through the blinds over the window next to Logan's bed and was the only thing that lit the room, streaking the ceiling and opposite wall in pale white that illuminated dust in the air. James closed his eyes and considered going back to sleep as he often did on Sunday mornings. They were his only real days off and he liked to appreciate them as much as he could.

But the things which woke him in the first place kept him awake; baby laughter and the wafting smell of bacon. At first, he just smiled, laying there with his eyes closed, one arm draped above his head, the other hand resting comfortably on his chest. It felt like days as a teenager, back at the Palmwoods, waking up in the morning to Mrs. Knight's hearty breakfasts, the one thing that made it worth it to actually get up and face a grueling day sometimes. Carlos would be dropping onto James' bed from the top bunk any minute now. He'd pretend to be annoyed, but allow himself to be dragged out to the dining table to join their best friends and makeshift family for what would always be the best breakfast he'd ever had, week after week.

Then he came to himself, remembered the wrecked kitchen and frowned. Besides the fact that no one should be making bacon in the middle of all that, there was also the fact that Logan hadn't cooked in ages, not since James had moved in. He made meals for Cam and warmed up microwave dinners for himself, but it had always been James to do any real cooking.

Curiosity and concern dragged James out of bed and he stopped to rub his legs for a moment. Sleeping in his clothes, in jeans, had made them itchy and uncomfortable, but he could wait to change until later.

Walking out of the hallway and into the living room, James saw that Cam's playpen had been dragged out to where it could be seen from the kitchen and Cam was rolling happily on his back, kicking and swatting at the toys that dangled over him from a small plastic arch.

"Hey, pal," James grinned and crooned in a light voice, reaching down to curve his finger at Cam in a wave. He was delighted in the way Cam squealed and snatched at his finger. He let chubby baby fingers wrap around his own and shook the much tinier hand in a sort of greeting.

There was a short clank of metal from the kitchen that caught James' attention and he turned to look. Logan was standing over the stove frying bacon and eggs, another skillet baking pancakes, and if James wasn't mistaken, there was even bread in the toaster. Though, this being Logan, he really wasn't that surprised at the toast. The kitchen looked as if it had been built entirely new, and James had to question his sanity for a moment, wondering if he'd entirely imagined the previous night. Or if he'd entirely imagined the last four months, because Logan looked fine, for the most part. He may have even been humming quietly, James couldn't be sure.

He leaned into the playpen to lift Cam up and started for the kitchen. Logan happened to notice, though, and held up a hand. "Wait! Don't bring him in here, I'm not sure I got all the glass…" he said, gesturing around him briefly.

Ah. So James wasn't losing his mind. He nodded, turning to put Cam back in the playpen and returning him to the toys which seemed to be doing a good enough job of amusing him. "In fact," Logan called out again, "You should put on slippers or something."

James breathed a short laugh and shook his head. "I've got socks on, I'll just watch my step," he said as he turned back around and welcomed himself into the kitchen, going to join Logan at the stove. He had a fleeting image in his mind of coming up behind Logan, placing his hands on his hips, setting his chin on his shoulder and feeling him smile and lean into his touch. He imagined hugging him around the waist, turning his face to meet Logan's lips—

James came to the counter next to the stove, leaning on it with his elbow. "You're cooking," he observed blatantly. Logan shrugged with a small smile, but otherwise didn't respond. "You haven't cooked in forever," James continued, as if to clarify.

Logan flipped the bacon and sighed. "I wanted toast. And then I wanted eggs. And then bacon. And then pancakes," he explained, letting the bacon sizzle as he turned his attention to the pancakes turning golden brown.

James couldn't fight the smile coming on if he even wanted to. It had to be some kind of miracle. Logan smiling, humming, cooking, like he didn't have a worry in the world. Which was, of course, untrue, since this was Logan and there was always something to worry about. But this reprieve, however unexpected it was and however short it was going to be, made a weight slide right off James' shoulders.

The weight fell back on after a moment, though, and caused him to frown, looking around the kitchen until his eyes landed on Logan's hands. "Hey… you didn't hurt yourself, did you?"

Logan gave a brief quizzical look as he used a spatula to transfer pancakes from the pan to a large plate. "What do you mean?" he asked. Then added a second later, quieter and with a serious glance up, "…James, I'm not… you don't have to worry…"

It took James a moment to understand what Logan was trying to say, but when he did, he held up his hands and shook his head. "Oh! No! No, no, no… Logan—no, I know, I… I trust you," he said, his eyes raking down Logan's arms as he watched him poke around at food on the stovetop. He knew Logan wasn't that bad. He hoped...

"I meant when you were cleaning up the kitchen…" He moved to the other side of Logan and took the plate of pancakes to the table, where he sat it in the middle. He stopped and frowned, though, inspecting the four plates around the edge.

"Oh," Logan drew out in a long syllable of realization. "No, I was careful. I got up early and swept up and then vacuumed… and then swept again and vacuumed again…" James noticed how Logan didn't mention anything about James having been in the bed when he got up. He joined James by the table, setting a serving bowl of scrambled eggs and a plate of bacon.

James blinked, pointing at all the food and silverware. "This is… way too much food for the two of us…"

"I know," Logan said, going to the fridge and bringing out a carton of orange juice. "Carlos and Jennifer are helping us eat it." He set the carton down in the middle of the table with a proud grin. As if it was summoned, there was a knock at the apartment door, which Logan hastily went to answer, scooping Cam up out of his playpen on the way.

James stood struck at the table a couple seconds before realization caught up with him and he hurried to do the same with Logan, trying to comb his hair with his hands on the way. "Wait, Carlos and Jennifer? As in our best friend and his girlfriend? You actually invited them over for breakfast? You invited people over?" he teased, but he was legitimately surprised at Logan's behavior. As they reached the door together and Logan turned around with an amused smile, he pressed the back of his hand to Logan's forehead, who ducked away. He was holding Cam to his shoulder, where the baby was anxiously chewing on Logan's sleeve.

"Ha-ha, you're hilarious," he commented and put a hand on the doorknob. "I miss Carlos, okay?"

"Whatever, dude," James laughed and stepped back as Logan opened the door.

The door wasn't even entirely open before arms enveloped Logan in a hug with an excited shout. "Logan! Buddy!" Carlos exclaimed, placing a large, wet kiss on the side of Logan's face.

Logan grimaced and pushed at Carlos' chest, groaning. "Carlos! Baby," he said, putting a foot or two of space between him and his friend. James tilted his head for a second, wondering why Logan would be calling Carlos "Baby," but he understood better when Cam began whimpering and crying, dropping Logan's drool-covered sleeve out of his gums.

"Oh… whoops…" Carlos said, looking infinitely guilty as he reached out to touch Cam's hair, glancing back at Jennifer as though he felt like the scum of the earth. Cam just kept crying and Logan bounced him gently against his shoulder, giving James a brief look before turning into the living room and moving purposefully for Cam's toy-filled playpen. James smiled, reading a little bit of Logan's familiar stress in his eyes, but understanding what he was being asked to do.

He stepped up to the door, holding his hand out to welcome their friends in. "Breakfast is on the table, guys, make yourself comfortable." He paused, though, thoughtful for a moment. "But, uhm… look out for any glass."

…

Breakfast was as delicious as it was unexpected. After inspecting and then reinspecting the area, Logan had set up Cam's seat between his and James' chairs and brought the baby cautiously into the kitchen to join them for breakfast. More than once throughout the meal James caught himself staring at Logan as he spoke, smiling uncontrollably. He couldn't help it, he couldn't help getting excited about Logan being his old self, carrying on a conversation, laughing, eating an actual meal. Each time James realized he was actually staring, he was grateful for Carlos to characteristically interrupt with some enthralled exclamation which inspired and was matched by Cam's own enthralled screams, and all four adults couldn't help laughing. James couldn't remember having such a good time in months.

At one point, James attempted giving Cam a piece of pancake and Logan completely blew a gasket, grabbing the fork from James' hand as if he were going to stab the baby with it. James gaped at first, but soon was rolling his eyes as he was scolded, given a lecture on how Cam might choke or gag. However, Jennifer intervened with a very helpful, "Actually, babies should be introduced to solids around his age." Then she shrugged nonchalantly and continued eating her bacon.

Carlos nodded, adding, "It's true."

James smirked at Logan, whose mouth was open where it had stopped mid-word, but he closed it quickly in a tight line. Logan actually trusted Carlos' opinion on children. He'd been working in preschool for over two years now, had been certified as a childcare technician, and Logan had no excuses to doubt his knowledge. As unbelievable as Carlos being actually knowledgable was.

Reluctantly, Logan handed James' fork back to him. "…one piece. Just a small one," he ceded as James excitedly cut out a piece of his pancake. "But not too small! Not small enough for him to choke! But not too big, either, okay? Ugh, just let me do it…" he grumbled, cutting a piece out of his own pancake and offered it nervously to Cam on a fork.

As the baby began licking and sucking at the bread and James scrunched his nose a little as he noticed he was drooling all over it more than he was actually eating it, Carlos cleared his throat. "Hey, Logan? Can I talk to you real quick?" he asked, wiping at his mouth with his napkin. James tilted his head a little at that. Carlos really had matured quite a bit over the last few years. Between seriously settling down with Jennifer and finding his niche in a real job, he'd begun conforming to adulthood a little better. Granted, he was still the same Carlos underneath everything, and he always would be, but just a more grown-up version.

Logan looked from Cam to Carlos and back again before looking up. "Uhm… yeah, sure," he answered, though his eyes were across the table on James. He handed the fork over to him so Cam could continue his slobbering endeavors and reminded him, "Just keep an eye on him, okay?" as if James had to be told.

He left the kitchen easily, though, didn't stop to fuss over the baby or seem too reluctant to leave him alone with James. It left James wondering if the previous night had actually meant something was really shifting between them…

"So," Jennifer said, interrupting James' train of thought as soon as Logan and Carlos had left. "You seem pretty good at being a mommy." James raised his eyebrow at her. She wasn't nearly as cruel as she'd been when they were younger, but she was still sassy. For some reason, Carlos liked that, he always had.

"Charming as ever, Jennifer…" he muttered back, keeping his eyes intent on the baby, not wanting to betray Logan's trust. But he snapped on a quick, "Thank you," as well, just to spite her jab.

"You know I'm only teasing you, James," Jennifer replied, though a little gentler than her earlier, teasing tone.

James snorted a bit and raised his chin, never taking his eyes from Cam, though mostly out of stubbornness now. "Do I?"

He could see Jennifer move out of the corner of his eye, finishing up her eggs and setting her fork aside as she said, "Well, I would hope so at this point."

James raised an eyebrow and spared her a quick glance when he asked, "What do you mean?"

"Carlos and I have been together for years now... I can only hope that you know I don't hate you," Jennifer replied, focusing on James and smiling. James tried to keep being a diva for the heck of it and turned back to Cam with a quiet huff.

But he soon relaxed and gave a good-hearted shrug in response. "...I know. I mean, I've known for awhile now that you've got to have some kind of soul, or else Carlos would have ditched you forever ago," he said, and maybe not that tactfully, so he added a moment later and somewhat softer, "He's crazy in love with you." Which was true, James knew from countless conversations with Carlos on the topic. For as much as James used to be a playboy and as many hours as Carlos had spent in their childhood listening to James' recaps after a date, who would have guessed that Carlos would be the one to be in love first?

Well. The first one between them to be in love and have it reciprocated, at least.

James watched Cam pull what was left of his pancake piece off the fork to just chew out of his own hand and wiped his fork free of slobber on his napkin, and then just set it aside when he lost his appetite.

He was brought back to the conversation when Jennifer said softly, "I think he's going to propose."

It took James a moment to remember that they'd been talking about Carlos and he raised an eyebrow high in her direction, mouth open a second before he sputtered, "What? Really? Are you serious?"

"I know, I know," Jennifer said with her hands up, though there was no denying her smile. "You can't tell me if it's true at all, but that's just what I'm thinking."

"Oh..." James wasn't sure what to think. He couldn't imagine Carlos getting married. Or maybe he didn't really want to imagine it. James couldn't get what he wanted, so... No. That was the worst way to think about this situation, the absolute worst.

"But forget that, forget I said anything," Jennifer suddenly said, waving her hands dismissively, but that smile was still there, that undeniable shine of a girl who's 90% sure she's going to get a big, huge diamond soon. "It's not like you can tell me if you know one way or the other—let's talk about you."

Again, James' eyebrow arched and he pointed at his chest. "Me? What about me do you care about?" he asked, then glanced down at Cam, as if considering him in the question. He also took note that Cam hadn't choked on his pancake, which was more like pan-mush at this point, and thus James was doing his job.

"Logan," Jennifer said simply, and that certainly had James' attention back.

"What?"

She sighed with a hint of exasperation, leaning forward on the table on her elbows when she said in a hushed tone, "You and Logan!"

"What about us?" James asked with honest confusion, unsure what the hell she was referring to. He glanced out of the kitchen and without any sight nor sound of Carlos and Logan, assumed they'd stepped outside the apartment, or had gone to the bedroom or nursery.

"Are you two, like, a couple now?"

James' eyes, wide, struck back at Jennifer, and he stammered for a second. "A—a couple—"

"You're doing the whole parenting thing really well, but I never thought Logan would move on so quickly," she commented, pinching a kinky ringlet between her fingers and tugging on it slightly, letting it go with a bounce.

"Move on—no, he's—" James tried arguing, tried to clarify, but Jennifer just kept on babbling, as she was prone to do.

"Oh, no, I'm sure there's still some healing to do. We all miss her, and it's gotta be harder for him than anyone—"

"He isn't—"

"You two are sweet together, though, I'm glad to see Cam has a whole family and Logan just seems so—"

"Jennifer, we aren't—"

"So happy."

That caught James and made him stop trying to cut her off. "...he does?" he asked quietly. Maybe it was because of last night's episode, or the stress he'd seen hanging on Logan like a disease over the last few months, but he wouldn't have described Logan as happy lately. Then again, all Jennifer had seen of him in forever was this morning, and Logan had been smiling all through breakfast.

"You both do," Jennifer added and James sat back a little. They seemed... happy? Together? He wanted to smile, he wanted to tell her, "Thank you, we are very happy," and go happily back to feeding his happy baby. In a perfect world.

"...we aren't... together..." James explained, voice quiet. He looked back to Cam, who had practically liquified the pancake he'd been given. James had to wonder if he'd even tasted it. "I'm just living here and helping with the baby until Logan can get back on his feet."

Jennifer stared for a moment, blinking. "...oh... really?" she asked, sounding a little surprised. "Oh, my god, I'm so embarrassed."

"No, it's okay..." James tried to amend with a stiff smile, really just ready to drop the subject altogether. He didn't need any more reminder of what he didn't have.

But Jennifer continued on by saying, "It's just—you two—and I mean, you always—"

And that made James frown and look up again. "I always what?"

"Hey, did you leave us any, Cam?" Carlos' voice rang as he reentered the kitchen. James' eyes, though, went straight to Logan behind him, noting his blank expression, his straight-lined mouth and empty eyes.

His expression changed, however, with a heavy sigh as his gaze landed on Cam, blubbering mush down his chin. "James!" he scolded and James frowned, unaware that he needed any scolding. "Did he spit up? Why didn't you get a rag?"

James threw his hands up a little and sat back to let Logan clean Cam's face. "He didn't, that's pancake," he said with a bit of a disgusted scrunch of his nose, but Cam apparently thought it was funny. So did Carlos, though, chuckling as he began helping to clear the table.

Carlos and Jennifer were kind enough to help with dishes before they left, though after the table was cleared to the sink, Carlos actually managed to sneak away to the living room with Cam in his arms, playing on the floor for the next half hour while Jennifer helped clean. Logan nearly had to wrestle his baby from his friend before he could push him toward the door.

Logan was saying his thank you's and goodbyes to Jennifer in the living room when James managed to catch Carlos by the door. "Hey," he said, grabbing Carlos' elbow before he could go out and start his car. "Real quick, dude. Why did Jennifer know when a baby should be eating solid food?" he asked. The question had been bouncing around James' head since she'd mentioned it. It made sense for Carlos to know, with all the childcare training he'd gone through. But Jennifer, an actress, had little to no reason to know a detail like that.

All James got in response was a slow, knowing smile from Carlos. He patted James' arm and told him, "I'll call you soon, man."

James frowned and opened his mouth, ready to ask again, but Carlos wiggled his arm free and left. Jennifer soon followed, throwing James a friendly (and, he thought, apologetic) smile, and James couldn't help eying her belly a bit curiously.

Once the door was shut, James turned around to find Logan slumped back on the couch, Cam clinging to his chest and Logan's sleeve again bunched up in his mouth. Logan's eyes were closed and Cam was whining almost needily into his dad's shoulder, but Logan seemed too tired to react. James padded quietly over to the couch and sat, arm draped over the back behind Logan.

"You okay, man?" James asked after a moment, his hand twitching to touch Logan, just his hair, his neck, something, but he refrained, keeping it planted on the back of the couch.

Logan gave an acknowledging noise, but his eyes stayed closed. James wondered if all the effort that had gone into breakfast, all the playful, joyous energy had really taken it out of Logan. Or if the whole morning had been an act more than anything, a ruse to try and convince their friends that everything is okay.

There was a good, long moment filled only by Cam's quiet whines and grunts of effort, seemingly trying to gum his father's sleeve to death, before Logan finally said, "Carlos wants me to go back to counseling."

James blinked, unsure of what to think of that. Logan had only attended one session of grief counseling before quitting, calling it a "soft science with no backbone," and never going back to his therapist. James remembered it being a huge ordeal in the first week after Camille had died. Kendall had still been in town, had gone over to Logan's and he and Logan's parents had tried fruitlessly to make him go back. And although James doubted Logan had actually spoken to Kendall recently, James had, or at least had exchanged texts with him weekly since he'd moved in. He had no doubt in his mind this was less of Carlos' idea and more of Kendall's.

Which made James want to smile. Kendall could be on the other side of the earth and his heart would still be with them.

But Logan didn't look anywhere near smiling. So James kept that to himself. Instead, he just said quietly and carefully, "I... think... that's a really good suggestion..."

Logan huffed a bit in response, but didn't answer right away. James knew Logan didn't want to go. He could barely talk about Camille with his closest friends and family, he hardly would want to discuss her with a stranger. Especially a therapist, because everyone knew what Logan thought of therapists.

As Logan opened his mouth to finally say something, though, Cam began crying unexpectedly, short, heart-wrenching sobs that tore James up every time he heard them. He sat forward just as Logan did the same with a heavy, tired sigh. "What's the matter?" James asked, voice laced in concern. Even after his months here, he couldn't shake that panic that raced through him every time Cam cried.

"He's hungry..." Logan answered, beginning to bounce the baby gently, clearly trying to muster the strength to stand as he explained. "He didn't really eat any of that pancake and he didn't finish his formula this morning. Just—"

But James cut him off by standing, motioning for him to stay where he was on the couch. "I'll make some more, don't worry."

Logan paused, but accepted the offer and sat back. James went carefully into the kitchen to begin preparing a new bottle of formula and he watched Logan back on the couch close his eyes even through Cam's increasing demands for food. The baby would stop crying every couple seconds to chew back on Logan's sleeve, but would let it go again in the same amount of time to continue crying.

When James came back after a couple minutes and handed the warmed formula to Logan, he watched the baby latch immediately to the bottle. James' eyes were glued to them as Logan rocked Cam slowly and tenderly. He hesitated, but asked, "Is he teething? Is that why he chews on your shirt like that?"

Logan's lips parted as if to answer, but the response didn't really come at first. He swallowed, then said, "Well... that and... he's suckling..."

James frowned, a bit confused. "What?"

"He wants his mother," Logan explained again, his eyes never leaving Cam's.

James' mouth shaped a silent "Oh..." that he didn't have the heart to give voice to. He felt bad for asking, but the silence that hung between them now spoke enough for him. So he just adjusted to sit sideways on the couch, laying his head against the back and spent the next few minutes watching Logan do his best to be both parents.

They didn't talk about how James had found his way into the bed after Logan's fit in the kitchen, but he did reluctantly and silently find his way back to the nursery that night out of respect for Logan.

…

"I don't want to do this, James, I really do not want to do this."

Logan had been chanting the same thing since they left the apartment on the way to the therapist's office. He kept turning around to anxiously check on Cam in his car seat, but there was absolutely no need.

"Logan, it'll be okay. It's just something you have to get over with, like taking off a band-aid. And it's only an hour session," James reassured him for not the first time the whole ride.

"I still don't want to."

James groaned. Logan was acting like a child, and he shouldn't have been surprised at the behavior. This was what Logan had always done when he didn't want to do something; he regressed in age. He crossed his arms and scowled and became a misbehaving child, which was funny, because James was pretty sure Logan never misbehaved when he was an actual child.

"You heard Carlos," James reminded him. "You can't raise Cam with depression and an anxiety disorder."

"I don't have depression or an anxiety disorder!" Logan snapped back, just as he had on the phone with Carlos the day before. "And I'm a grown-up, I don't need anyone, least of all Carlos, to tell me whether or not I can raise my son." And now the insulting tone was coming out. It was time for James to take dire measures. Logan eyed the cell phone James balanced carefully in one hand, while he drove with the other. "...what are you doing?" Logan asked suspiciously, then added, "Watch the road!"

James ignored him and lifted the cell phone to his ear. After only a couple rings, it picked up and James shouted, "K-Dog! What's up? You busy?"

Logan sunk a bit and groaned, "You did not just call Kendall over this..."

"Awesome. Talk to Logan real quick, would ya?" James chirped and tossed the phone carelessly into Logan's lap.

Logan was glaring at James when he picked up the phone and said, sharply, "Hey, Kendall."

"Hey, Loges. What's up?" Kendall asked on the other end, sounding like he knew perfectly well what was up, and Logan rolled his eyes, leaning into the passenger side window and staring at the bus benches and palm trees as they passed them. They were going back to the hospital where Cam was born and where his check-ups had been ever since.

"We're on our way to my appointment."

"Your therapy?"

"Grief counseling," Logan corrected pointedly.

Kendall made a sound of realization and rectified himself. "Grief counseling. Right."

There was a long pause before Logan muttered, a little weakly, differently than he'd been fighting James before, "...I don't want to go."

Kendall hummed his acknowledgment, and said, "Of course you don't, but you have to."

"I'm fine."

"You aren't fine, Logan." Kendall said and Logan turned his face away from James and into the window. "James has told me about everything. Including the glass last week." Logan could definitely hear a speech coming on and took a breath to brace himself. He hadn't had to listen to one of these in a good while and he wasn't used to having to pay attention.

"You want to be the best father to your son as possible, right? Then you need to make every effort to ensure that you are the healthiest you can be, and that includes being of a sound mind. If you're still prone to breakdowns like that, Logan, there's no way you can care for an infant, let alone yourself. James is doing his best to help you out, but he can only do so much. He has a career to worry about and can't focus all the time on you and Cam. When you won't spend any time trying to help yourself, you can't expect him to."

Logan sat back and looked over at James in the driver's seat. They were at a red light and James was smiling and making faces at Cam through the rear view mirror, building up spitty giggles in the back seat. Logan turned back to the window.

"Go for at least a few weeks, Logan," Kendall said on the other line when Logan didn't respond. "Call me tomorrow and let me know how it goes. If it's still lame after a month, we'll figure something else out."

"Alright," Logan conceded, his tone drab and uninterested in Kendall's proposal, but he knew he didn't have much choice. Kendall knew it, too. They knew that if Logan got too bad, he could lose Cam.

Kendall sighed on the other line and there was a pause while he hummed a bit, as though looking around or checking the time or something. "Just shoot me a text afterward, okay, dude?" he said.

"Yeah, I'll do that." But they both knew Logan probably wouldn't just out of spitefulness. "Want to talk to James?"

"Uhm..." Kendall drew out the sound and Logan sighed, realizing they'd already spoken earlier and planned this. He'd totally been lead by the hand right into this lecture series.

So Logan just sighed and exchanged goodbyes. Once he'd hung up, he shot James a searing glare, but James hardly reacted, just turned into the parking garage of the hospital. "So how's Kendall?" he asked as he searched for a spot.

"You're a jack—" Logan started, but cut himself off, glancing in the backseat. "...you're a jerk."

James took a breath, smiling a bit, as he pulled into a space and parked the car, killing the engine. "I'm a concerned friend and I knew who the only person was who would make you see straight."

He got out of the car and went immediately to a back door to unbuckle Cam's carseat, and glanced to the front to see Logan hadn't moved. He huffed, voice a little harder when he said, "Stop acting like a baby and get out of the car, Logan. Or I'll drag you out." He slammed the door behind him and started up toward the hospital without waiting for Logan to follow.

…

Logan took the baby in the therapist's office with him, leaving James in the waiting room alone. For a whole hour. Which was spent playing games on his phone and texting inappropriate jokes back and forth with Carlos. But toward the end of the hour, he was starting to get antsy and impatient and restless. The waiting room was cold and small and smelled like carpet cleaner.

Finally, just when James was about to start climbing the walls or running sprints down the hall, Logan came out of the office. His face was stony, tendons in his hands and arms bulging from how tightly he was gripping Cam's carrier. He didn't spare anyone, least of all James, even a glance as he left the office and walked through the waiting room and out the door.

The receptionist leaned toward her window, calling to Logan, "Same time next week, Mr. Mitchell?" but Logan didn't stop for her.

James hurried to his feet and went to the window, shining his most charming smile as he told the young woman, "Yes, same time next week." He tapped the ledge of the window brightly and tried not to straight up run after Logan.

"Logan!" James growled, picking up his pace once he got into the hallway. Logan was walking at an impressive speed toward the elevator. "Logan, wait, geez..." he huffed, finally able to catch up when Logan had to stop to wait for the elevator to arrive. James threw his arm around Logan's shoulders with a friendly bounce. "Long time, no see, buddy."

However, Logan was clearly not in the mood and shook James' arm off with a hissed, "Don't touch me."

Eyes wide and lips slack, James watched as Logan boarded the elevator. He had no clue what he'd done personally to Logan, but it was apparently pretty bad. He got on the elevator and took an experimental glance down at the baby carrier as it started moving down. Cam was asleep inside, which told James that Logan had probably not thrown any fits in the office, so that was good.

James got ready to ask about the session, but just as he opened his mouth to say something someone got on the elevator with them, and by the time they were alone again, they were one floor from the lobby. It wasn't until they were walking in the parking garage that they were out of earshot of passersby.

Carefully, like walking through the kitchen last week, James asked, "How did it go?"

Logan didn't answer. Instead, as they approached the car, he turned to James and asked, "Can I drive?"

James' eyes popped a bit and he touched the trunk of his car tenderly. "Drive... my car?"

The eye-roll Logan gave involved the usage of his entire upper body. "It's just a car, James. I'm a safe driver, you know that."

"Yeah, but... you're angry." James took the keys from his pocket, but clutched them to his chest, frowning at Logan uncertainly.

He was met with a very serious look. "I'm not angry. I'm... annoyed," Logan said, deflating a bit as he sighed the last word. "And you know I would never drive even remotely recklessly with Cam in the car."

James studied Logan's expression, then chanced a look down at Cam in the carrier again. It was in the second he was looking away that Logan just snatched the keys right out of his hands, giving him only time to cry, "Hey!" But Logan was already loading Cam into the backseat and taking the driver position. James groaned with his only option being to climb into the passenger seat.

"So?" James asked as he got in the car, but Logan just continued his pre-driving routine without answering, buckling in, checking all his mirrors, turning the radio down low. So James tried again with, "Logan?"

"Sh," Logan snapped quickly, holding a hand up at James without looking at him. He didn't say another word as he pulled out and began on his way out of the parking garage.

James huffed loudly, making his displeasure clear in the way he slumped back in his seat and crossed his arms, much like Logan had looked the whole way to the hospital. Since Logan was clearly not in the mood for conversation, James reached over to turn up the radio again, but his hand was immediately smacked by Logan, who turned it back down. James gave him an offended look and groaned loudly, wherein he was again shushed, though this time Logan nodded to the sleeping baby in the back. Then James felt a little bad, so he shrunk a bit and just watched the scenery change outside the window. He would talk to Logan about it when they got home.

If they ever went home. James frowned, realizing the street they were on was not the way back to the apartment. He glanced at Logan, but didn't ask for fear of being hushed again, and just watched the palm trees and increasingly rich buildings pass. For a few minutes, he thought they were going to the studio, but he realized their actual destination soon enough.

"The Palmwoods?" James asked in a hushed voice, though Logan was already getting out of the car he'd parked outside the hotel. He was unloading the baby from the backseat, so James unbuckled and stepped out, glancing around him.

There wasn't one kid here he recognized anymore. It made him feel old in a way, even though he could hardly even be considered to be in his mid-twenties. But living at the Palmwoods seemed like forever ago. That was before Big Time Rush ended and before James went solo and before Logan started school and before Logan and Camille married and before Kendall started playing hockey in Fresno. It felt like it had been a whole lifetime.

"What are we doing here?" James asked Logan as he came around the car with Cam swaddled in his arms instead of in his carrier. He just sort of looked at James a moment, and all James saw was the same, stoney, guarded look that was in his eyes when he came out of the therapist's office. Then he started walking, not into the hotel, but toward the park. James paused a moment, trying to suss out what was really going through Logan's head, but eventually just followed him.

They walked in silence in the warm afternoon sun. It being a weekday, the park was mostly uninhabited. James supposed an hour ago around lunch, the grass was teeming with picnic blankets and teenagers, but now there were only a few actors here and there reading scripts, a girl under a tree fingerpicking her guitar. The atmosphere was calm and warm, none of the boisterous action that Big Time Rush had once brought to this park. Then again, most of the trouble at this hotel had been caused by the four hockey players from Minnesota. James couldn't imagine Bitters had had so many managerial issues since they left.

Logan eventually sat on a bench James had many memories wrapped around. He'd leaped over and hid behind and faceplanted on this bench plenty of times. He'd also sat on this bench with Logan plenty of times, and being here with him now almost made him feel seventeen again, all fun and fancy-free.

The sun was behind them, staying respectfully out of their eyes in the shade of a tall tree. James laid his arm comfortably over the back of the bench, behind Logan, looking with him at Cam in his arms. He wondered how it felt for Logan to come back here with his child. How it would feel to go to Minnesota for the first time with him someday. To visit the places he'd been as a child with his own son. To James, that seemed like it would be something special and he felt a short little twist at the thought that he'd never experience that.

"Basically, I hated it," Logan said suddenly, his gaze never leaving Cam's dozing face. He used the blanket the baby was wrapped in to wipe away the drool on his chin, but it would no doubt be there again in a few moments.

Although James could probably guess the answer, he still asked, quietly, "Why?"

Logan's reaction clearly told James that he should know why, the way he rolled his eyes and laughed humorlessly. "I was—" He started strongly, but faltered and continued a little softer, "I was in love with Camille, James... very much so... I married her, I had a child with her... I loved her laugh and how bright she was and how she would dance around the apartment and how she was a million different women and yet they were all her." He paused, staring at Cam like he was staring at Camille, and, in a way, maybe he was. "I was ready to spend my entire life with her."

James stayed silent as he listened. They didn't talk about Camille, they just didn't. No one did. Logan would get angry or just leave a conversation at the sound of her name. So James wasn't used to hearing Logan talk about her, explain how in love with her he had been, how in love with her he obviously still was. It made a part of James go a little hollow, but he didn't say anything, just kept the warmth in his cheeks and the dipping in his chest to himself.

"I had no idea what to do when she was taken away from me..." Logan continued on, voice even weaker, and he looked away from Cam, blankly staring across the park at a scene no one else could see. "I had this whole life planned and then... suddenly... nothing."

That had to be where most of his anxiety had been coming from, James now realized. The combination of loss plus the of feeling of being lost... Logan didn't know how to operate without a plan, without solidarity, and Camille's death, the death of his partner in life, that had been the floor falling out from under his feet, had left him standing on thin air. And worse. With a baby.

"But things are going to rebuild themselves, Logan," James said with reassurance, putting his hand that was on the back of the bench on Logan's shoulder instead. "It's already happening."

Logan looked at him with sad eyes, tearless, but heartbroken nonetheless. It was the same vulnerable, lost expression he'd seen right after Camille's death, and with Cam in his arms, James was having serious dejà vu, and it wasn't a good feeling. He wanted to gather Logan and Cam both in his arms and take care of them, and that wasn't a good thing. The sentiment was good, of course, but it hurt that it wasn't something he could actually do.

"I don't want to move on, James," Logan said, shaking his head, his voice a little thick as he looked away again. "I don't want to forget her or stop mourning her or stop loving her, I feel like... like that's wrong. I don't want to get better."

"You have to get better, buddy. Just because you move on doesn't mean you've stopped loving her. You have to get better so that Cam can have a daddy. He's already lost one parent, he needs his other one so much more now."

Logan's breathing was deeper now, clearly fighting emotion, and he sat still for a very long time while James rubbed his shoulder, hand running up and down his upper arm.

Finally, he whispered, "I'm trying..."

James nodded. "I know you are. You went today and you survived." He gave Logan's shoulder a little squeeze. "I'm proud of you, dude."

The corner of Logan's mouth twitched upward, and he gave a short sniff as he lifted his chin a little higher. He seemed to collect himself and gather up all the emotions that had fallen out of his little handbasket and tucked it back up on a shelf.

When James' hand slowed to a stop on his shoulder, Logan looked at him again, and there was something in the way he smiled at James, though it was barely there. James imagined stroking his fingers gently though his hair, leaning in to kiss his cheek, take him in to a firm, protective hug, but that wasn't his place.

Knowing it would be the truly comforting thing to do, he just told Logan softly, "And I know Camille would be, too."

Logan's smile faltered a second, but he eventually nodded and looked back out across the grass again, just so-gently rocking Cam in his arms, and James could swear he felt just a little more of Logan's pain leave him under his touch, hand still rested lovingly on his arm.