a/n: This doesn't need much of an introduction except to say I'm writing a little faster than I thought I would be and I hope you enjoy and please remember to review!
…
Around five months, Cam was gaining much better control of his spine, able to sit upright in his high chair and walker, even though his feet couldn't touch the floor. He was developing right before James' eyes and it was becoming something of a fascination to him.
Although he'd never been an avid reader before, it seemed now that all James did in his spare time was stalk child development websites and memorize the bibles of parenting. Magazines, books, whatever he could get his hands on that may help him to understand Cam's development, James would read it. He started taking magazines with him to the studio and spent at least an hour when he got home laying on the couch reading.
Logan couldn't possibly be disappointed in James' new habits, not when they meant he was actually getting some literature in his life. Once he walked through the living room with a basket of laundry to find James sprawled on the floor like a teenager, propped up on his elbows with his nose in a book. All he did was snort and make the comment, "If I'd known all I had to do to get you to read was have a baby, I would have done it a lot sooner." Then he continued to his bedroom to fold his clothes.
Every so often James would come across something new and go running to Logan in the kitchen. "Logan! Logan! Did you know Cam couldn't taste salt until he was four months? And his eyesight sucks right now! He can only see things that are really close..." At which point James got on the floor next to Cam's walker and leaned in really close to his face, eliciting a series of boisterous giggles. Cam reached out with both hands, slapping them to James' face before grabbing his hair and pulling.
As James yelped more out of surprise than actual pain, Logan chuckled from where he stood cleaning hand-wash baby dishes. "I did not know those things, James, no... how fascinating," he said, though his tone suggested he actually did know.
Still, James went on as he wrenched deceivingly delicate-looking baby fingers from his hair. "And he's grown about an inch taller every month since he was born and more than doubled his weight... he's like a baby superhero!" he said with a slight grunt as he freed himself from said superhero's grasp, although it really just transferred to squeezing his finger.
Logan laughed again, amused by James' newfound enthusiasm for child development. "That's really something, James. I'll have to let his doctor know," he told him with a humored expression, going to put dishes away.
James watched him for a second before refocusing on the baby, inspecting his toothless smile and bright brown eyes carefully. "You're kinda cool... you know that?" he told him quietly, admiring for the first time really how impressive Cam was as a human being. He was answered by a loud, unintelligible string of "bah" sounds.
James always heard about the "miracle" of life and how special babies were, but honestly, for the longest time, he just thought they were dumb. They didn't do anything interesting, they couldn't talk, and they were sort of disgusting. But watching Cam grow and change and turn into a person and develop his own personality was making James see things a lot differently. It was making him want more to be a part of this child's life forever, to help shape him, to watch how he would continue to grow.
James turned to stand and caught Logan's eyes on him, watching him study Cam. They made brief eye-contact, and James didn't miss the small smile playing on Logan's lips before he hastily returned to the plasticware. As for James, he scurried back to the living room to continue researching infant brain and body development.
It wasn't until James really witnessed one of those "major events" his books kept talking about, though, that he realized just what all the fuss was really about, why all the books talked about them, and why parents always went gaga over that kind of thing.
He'd gotten home from work only about half an hour previous and was lounging on the couch with a book propped on his chest on end, more staring at the words than reading them. His brain was too numb to actually process anything. Cam was on his tummy on the floor, something both Logan and the books told James was good for his spinal development. Although James often wanted to go pick him up because he looked so exhausted from trying to keep his head up, a feeling James could relate with, he was to leave him be and let him struggle.
He would glance over to Cam every once and awhile, watching him reach for toys or chew on his blanket. He was teething at this point and even though it was gross and got drool everywhere, James preferred him chewing on his blanket than on James' fingers. Hard baby gums hurt. He'd learned from experience.
At first, James didn't realize what was happening. Cam began to tilt and James frowned, but looked back to his book when Cam resettled on his stomach. He heard Cam whine, though, and turned in time to see him push up with one arm. James dropped his book and swung his legs to sit on the edge of the couch. This was no false alarm, he decided after a moment. Because James had called a couple false alarms at this point.
"Logan... Logan. Logan!" James shouted urgently and Logan came skidding out of the kitchen where he'd been preparing dinner, running to James with a panicked expression.
"What? Oh, my god, what's wrong?" he exclaimed, spinning around to search for any signs of destruction or dismay.
James grabbed Logan's shirt, then put his hands on his hips and forced him to face in Cam's direction. He felt Logan's panic subdue and ebb away under his hands as his eyes landed on the baby and he realized what was going to happen. "Oh..." he whispered, then seemed to regain his energy, stepping forward with clenched, excited fists. "Come on, Cam, come on, baby, you can do it, you've got this, do it for Daddy..." he said in a hushed, hopeful tone.
James rose off the couch as Logan moved forward, stepping in close behind him, his hands unconsciously still resting on his hips when Logan didn't shake him off. Silently, he egged Cam on just as much, his heart racing in unexpected anticipation, all to see a baby do something dogs did as a trick.
They stood tense, Logan whispering barely-audible encouragements under his breath while James held his. Cam pushed and leaned with an expression that was part concentration, part curiosity, and which turned to complete shock as he slowly toppled over from balancing on his side to rocking on his back. As he stared upwards in amazement as if seeing the ceiling for the first time, Logan and James stared at him with a similar feeling.
Then suddenly, Logan threw his hands in the air like the Wild had taken the Stanley Cup and shouted, sending a startled shake through both the baby on the floor and James. James recovered fairly quickly, though, as he felt the same excitement rush through him. He threw his arms unthinkingly around Logan's middle, hugging him tightly from behind.
At first, he worried he'd made a mistake, but in seconds, Logan was turned in his arms, throwing his own around James' neck in an enthralled embrace. It was short-lived, effective in rooting James to the spot with a slackened smile as Logan spun around to fetch Cam off the floor, tossing him in the air enthusiastically, which immediately resulted in screaming laughter.
James blinked, watching Logan celebrate for a moment. He couldn't place what he was feeling, but... he was pretty sure it was something like pride. He slowly sat back down on the couch, listening to Logan praise Cam and hug him and practically dance around the living room with him. His body felt warm in a way it hadn't in a very long time and he could still feel Logan's arms slung around his neck.
James thought back on the night in the kitchen, thought about how much progress Logan had seemed to make in the past month or so between the counseling and his time with Cam. Logan really was happier, anyone could tell just by looking at him, and James could see more than anyone right now.
"Logan..." he started cautiously, smile still soft on his face as he leaned forward on his knees. Cam was screeching with laughter just as Logan slowed down. His joyous grin was still in place, but it faltered a little as Cam gave a little burp, threatening to spit up after being swung around so much. "Maybe it's time Cam sleeps in his crib," James suggested gently.
Logan's gaze flipped immediately to James on the couch. James could see the "No," playing through his eyes. But it didn't come. Instead, Logan looked slowly back to the baby and he used the bib around his neck to gently dab his mouth. He went so long without responding that James wondered if he was going to answer at all. But finally, he just muttered, "Maybe..." and went back into the kitchen with Cam.
…
American Idol was just coming to a close on the television that night and James was sighing and groaning over the loss of yet another of his favorite singers around the time Logan rose out of the recliner where he'd been rocking Cam with a bottle until he fell asleep.
"Where're you going?" James asked, managing to stop texting Carlos over their favorite reality TV show for half a second to notice Logan heading for the hall.
Logan didn't stop, but just called back over his shoulder softly, "Putting Cam to bed..."
James squinted and went back to his text. But then he replayed that and looked back up at the hallway Logan had just disappeared down. He was putting Cam to bed... implying that he wasn't going to bed with him?
James stood up slowly and started the way Logan had gone, stepping quietly to keep from making any sound. He'd learned in the first week of living in Logan's apartment things like which parts of the floor creaked and where were possible tripping zones, and he avoided those expertly, even more attentive than usual. A lamp was on in the nursery, the room where James slept, where the closet was filled with more of his clothes than Cam's.
Peeking around the door frame like a spying child, James watched as Logan hovered near the crib with Cam in his arms. He moved as though to put Cam down, but hesitated and straightened back up, staring down at the baby. James watched as Logan moved slowly to sit in the rocking chair that rested unused in the corner of the room.
When Logan was facing the door again in the rocking chair, James shifted back around into the hallway, backing up and sinking to the floor next to the door. He tried not to feel responsible for this step, because in all honesty, it was probably mostly attributed to Logan's trips to the therapist. But James felt... well, proud of Logan.
"What are you doing?"
James looked up to see Logan standing in the doorway, arms crossed and looking down at James expectantly. He shifted a bit to face Logan, grinning brightly up at him. "You put Cam in the crib," he observed quite obviously.
Logan took a breath and dropped his arms, turning and heading into his own bedroom. James scrambled to his feet and followed him as he continued, "That's a big step, Logan! Letting him sleep without you is huge!"
"I know..." Logan mumbled back, sounding less than enthusiastic. His back turned to James in the bedroom, he shamelessly started stripping down to his boxers. The lights were still off, so James lifted a hand to flip them on, but he hesitated. The light from the hallway draped itself over Logan's bare shoulders, painting the lily white skin with a golden hue. James slowly lowered his hand away from the light switch.
Logan didn't move for a long few seconds, and James wondered if he was supposed to leave, so he stopped staring and instead looked down the hallway. Since Cam was sleeping in the nursery now, he wasn't sure if he was supposed to stay in there, or crash on the couch. Movement caught his eye, and he looked back at Logan, who had gone to sit on the edge of the bed with his back to James.
James shifted from foot to foot. Logan wasn't saying anything, and James was starting to think that was a hint to leave. He took a breath and began to turn back down the hallway toward the nursery to get his sweatpants to sleep in.
"James?" Logan's voice came smaller than usual, a little weaker than he ever liked to sound. James frowned and looked back to where Logan hadn't moved at all. If he hadn't heard it so clearly, James would have wondered if he'd imagined his name spoken.
"Hm?"
"Would you... stay with me?"
Now that James wasn't sure he heard correctly. Logan didn't mean stay the night with him, did he? That couldn't... be right...
When James was quiet for too long, Logan tentatively looked over his shoulder, practically in slow motion. And when he did, it was only a second before he quickly sputtered, "Never mind, I shouldn't have said anything, it's—it's stupid, it's childish," and he just started as if to go past James to the bathroom.
"No, no, no!" James intercepted Logan by blocking the doorway with his arms. Logan stopped with a surprised look, taking a step back. "No, it's okay, I just—wasn't sure I heard you right..." James added hastily.
Logan still averted his eyes. "It's... it's just... I don't know if I can... like, sleep alone..." He looked cautiously back at the bed behind him, almost afraid of it. "I've never slept in that bed by myself..."
The big California king had been spread with white sheets ever since James had moved in, and they were meticulously cleaned once a week, sometimes more often. But what always made James queasy was the resemblance the bedding bore to what they laid on those beds at the hospital. He wondered briefly whether Logan realized the similarity or not, but definitely thought better than to ask.
"I can sleep in here," James said gently, lowering his arms to allow Logan passage into the hallway. Logan looked at James with searching eyes before he just nodded, almost sheepishly, and side-stepped him into the hall to go to the bathroom.
James hovered a moment, trying to decide how this would work, but eventually just retreated to the baby's room to change into his sweats. When he got back to the bathroom, Logan was already out, so he spent the next many minutes going through the steps of his nighttime routine. Once finished, he went back to the bedroom, half-expecting Logan to have changed his mind and closed the door with a lock.
The door was still open, the room dark, only lit by the hallway light, which James flipped off after a moment. He only took enough time to observe the way Logan was curled up on the furthest side of the bed, facing away from the door, the clear bumps of his spine and translucent skin making him look like a cadaver in the fetal position.
James quietly, so quietly, and slowly, as to not shift the bed too much, slipped under the covers in the spot where Camille used to sleep. The spot was familiar from the once he'd slept here before, but the pillows smelled fresh, untouched and clean. They were bright white even in the dark, but soft, like feathers. The spot was deceivingly comfortable as James settled in, facing Logan's back.
He had the urge to reach out, to drag his fingertips down Logan's spine, to scoot in and take him in his arms and tell him, "Shh, sh-sh-sh, it'll be alright," although he didn't know what he would be referring to. He wanted to remind him that there was literally only a wall between him and Cam, and that he would surely be up in a couple hours to see him again. Logan's severe attachment was even clearer when he was alone.
"Logan..." James said, his fingers suddenly just a breath away from Logan's skin.
"I'm okay," Logan shot back immediately without looking, stopping James' hand from coming any closer. "Just... just go to sleep, James."
He held still there for a heartbeat or two, but finally, James retracted his hand and just sighed. He closed his eyes, leaving the expanse of space between their bodies untouched.
…
Nearly five months since James moved in and it felt like time had hardly passed. Before James knew it, Cam's half-birthday was fast approaching and Logan didn't want to have a party. "The apartment is a mess," he would say in vain.
"The apartment is spotless, it's always spotless, you spend six hours a day cleaning the already-spotless apartment," James argued back, laying back on the couch with a laptop balanced on his abs. He was searching for a cake recipe he could handle. So far, everything seemed too complicated. Even adding the word 'easy' to his search wasn't yielding many results. This was looking like it was going to be more of an endeavor than he had hoped.
Logan sighed heavily from where he sat on the floor, feeding Cam in his bouncy seat. "It's only a half-birthday. People don't celebrate half-birthdays," he tried this time, this excuse lamer than the last.
"Logan," James said, sounding exasperated and maybe a touch annoyed. "I don't understand why you don't want to throw a party for your son. Why don't you want to celebrate?"
Logan fell quickly silent, his hand faltering for a moment as he used the spoon to catch dribbling liquid food on Cam's chin. He blinked, staring into big, brown baby eyes, motionless as something passed over his features. Finally, he shook his head, looking down into the jar in his hand and stirring it with the spoon. "You're right. You're right, we're… celebrating."
James tried not to stare. He'd known that not only was this the day that marked half a year since Cam was born, it marked half a year since Camille had passed away. And he didn't like to turn his nose up at Logan's grief, but between the counseling and all the support he'd received, James had hoped Logan would start redirecting his pain from loss into joy from what he'd gained. James wanted Logan to begin placing Cam before Camille and he was only helping that process along… right?
...
After the first time being asked to stay, it was just sort of assumed that James would sleep in Logan's bed every night. The man couldn't stand to be alone, not for a second and certainly not for an entire night. At James' urging, it had begun to be something Logan would talk about with his therapist, but so long as it wasn't unhealthy for Logan, James stayed sleeping in his bedroom. The bed was big enough for four, anyway, and it wasn't as if they hadn't grown up this way.
Still, though, James sometimes felt a rush of discomfort each night as he got into bed knowing he was sleeping in Camille's spot. She hadn't only been Logan's wife, she'd been James' friend, his confidante, even, and he still felt her everywhere in this home, same as Logan did.
Logan still kept quite some distance between them in the bed. In the light, throughout the day, Logan was perfectly close, didn't flinch if he and James touched, brushed against each other—they'd always been that way.
But they hadn't always been like this. The way Logan slept as far away from James as he could in the bed, afraid to touch him in the least. He stayed at the edge of his side of the mattress, ready to topple off any second. James tried not to be offended. This whole thing was only to ween Logan off to solidarity, anyway...
Cam's crying crackled through on the monitor and James stirred immediately, rolling onto his back and rubbing his face with both hands. He knew Logan would wake up and probably go for the baby, although James would tell him to go back to sleep, that he'd handle it. However, what happened surprised James more than if Logan had just let James take care of it like he wanted. He groaned and rolled onto his side, facing James with eyes scrunched closed. Then he muttered, apparently still asleep, "Camille, can you take care of him…"
James stiffened, one hand still over his face, and he stared at Logan across the length of white bedding separating them. He slowly let his hand fall away, wondering if Logan was awake enough to catch his mistake, and then what he'd do when he did. James wasn't sure if he wanted Logan to realize what he'd said or not.
Part of him did. Part of him wanted Logan to shoot up from where he was and begin apologizing profusely and bury his face in guilt and hurry out from under the covers and into the baby's room and just stay in there the rest of the night. Part of James wanted Logan to feel awful about what he'd said.
However, most of James wanted Logan to stay peacefully tucked away in sleep and to never know what he'd done. He would never be able to stand Logan's immense sadness if he knew.
Luckily, Logan didn't say anything else or move again. He just stayed wrapped up in blankets, mouth hanging open in silent snores. James slipped out of the bed, tip-toeing into the nursery to do what he'd been asked, even if it hadn't really been him who was asked to do it.
…
James had memorized the whole freaking waiting room of that therapist's stupid office. He wasn't sure exactly why he made sure he had two hours off from work every Wednesday to come with Logan to these sessions, but he felt it was necessary not to make Logan go alone. That and, despite his progress, a part of James believed that Logan wouldn't go if someone wasn't there to make sure he did.
He'd done all the puzzles in the stack of Highlights magazines on the end table, gone through every back issue of People looking for photos of himself, and searched the fitness magazines for protein shake recipes. Everything in this office was old news. Put a canvas and palette in front of James and he could replicate every tacky still life that hung on the walls. All that entertained him anymore was his cell phone and eavesdropping on the nice little receptionist's phone conversations. And even beating his high scores time and time again and knowing exactly what a hussy Lorraine was last week wasn't always enough to keep James sane. He swore he'd be needing therapy soon himself.
So it wasn't any surprise that James sat with a heavy sigh as he dropped into his usual seat in the waiting room, giving the receptionist a wave accompanied by the stiff smile usually reserved for fans. "I'll see you in an hour," Logan said, tone less reluctant than it had been in his first few sessions, but still sounding a bit like a man about to face an entire opposing hockey team alone.
"Yup," James said, whipping out his cell phone merely out of habit and slumping back to watch Logan go into the office, the handle of Cam's carrier in his hand.
He'd only sent five obnoxious, harassing texts to Kendall before the door to the office opened again, and Logan came out again with the baby carrier. James frowned worriedly, setting his phone aside and sitting forward in his seat. "Logan? What's up?" he asked, taking in Logan's nervous expression and how he held Cam's carrier up in front of him, almost protectively.
Logan fidgeted a moment, avoiding eye contact with James at all costs until he finally set Cam's carrier down at James' feet. There was still yet another pause before he said with some difficulty, "Dr. Tolar wants me to... have a session without Cam."
James' eyebrows went up a little and all he said at first was, "Oh." Through every session Logan had been to, he'd had Cam with him. Although he slept without him now, Logan still didn't separate himself from Cam if he could help it, usually only if he was showering or something similar, so James knew that this wasn't easy for Logan. In fact, he was surprised Logan didn't get into an actual physical fight with the doctor over it. Then again, that was definitely a nod toward Logan's progress.
"I'll take good care of him, Loges," James promised with a smile, turning Cam's carrier toward him with his foot and waving down at the round-eyed baby inside. When Logan didn't respond, James looked up again to see him looking down at the baby carrier, eyebrows knitted together. Without thinking about it, James reached out and grasped Logan's hand at his side, immediately getting his attention. "We'll be fine," he promised with a slight squeeze of his hand, and finally, Logan nodded, just a little.
He slid the diaper bag off his shoulder and handed it to James and told him, "It'll only be an hour..." though it seemed like maybe it was more reassurance to himself than anything. And then he went back to the office, stopping only once at the door to look back at Cam and shift from foot to foot for a moment. It reminded James of one of the only memories he had of preschool; Carlos with a baby blanket, never letting it out of his hand, constantly rubbing a silken corner on his nose, taking it with him even as he went to play in the dirt. Carlos had always been the one to need a security blanket (which turned into his helmet as soon as he learned to skate), not Logan, so to see him need one now was odd to James.
"Go," James urged him quietly and Logan took a shaky breath before closing the door behind him again.
At least now he had some company, James thought with a shrug, but when he looked at Cam again, his eyes were closed and lines of spit were dripping carelessly from his lips. James sighed heavily and slumped back again, returning to his phone to continue his text onslaught on Kendall.
…
For not the first time since he'd begun sleeping in Logan's bed, James felt the mattress shift as Logan sat up quickly with a gasp. James tried to hold still and pretend he was asleep, for Logan's sake. It would be too embarrassing for Logan if he knew James was awake while he sat there, surely shaking in a sweat from the sound of his breathing. James just kept his back to Logan on the other side of the bed, breathing steadily.
"James, I know you're awake…" Logan whispered in a husk after a minute and James jumped a little. Out of all the times Logan had had moments like this, he'd never said anything about James being awake during it, when he had been on multiple occasions.
He tried to play it off at first, make Logan think he was wrong and just keep faking it. But Logan shoved him roughly in the back and he sighed, rolling over and pushing up on an elbow to face his friend. "How'd you know?" he asked in a quiet tone, though there was no one to be quiet for. Still. The darkness seemed to beg for silence.
Logan gave a weak smile that James could just make out from the dim light put off by the hallway nightlight. "Do you have any idea how long I've known you? I can tell when you're faking sleeping…" James swallowed and his eyes widened just a fraction. He wondered how many other times Logan had known James was actually awake when he'd been faking sleep.
"Oh…" he said, though, trying not to give away his concerns. "Why'd you call me out?" he added hastily.
The good-humored smile faded and Logan ducked his chin slightly, looking at his hands. "I, uhm… I'm not sure…"
James waited for him to figure it out, but, of course, nothing followed. He licked his lips and averted his eyes, trying to think of a position to lay in that wasn't so awkward as holding his head up on his elbow. However, after a little shifting, he ended up back in the same position and cleared his throat. "Did you… uh… wanna… talk? Maybe?"
Logan shrugged. "Maybe."
James hesitated, hoping Logan would go on, but when he didn't, he asked, "Were you dreaming or…?"
Logan squirmed a little, scrunching his face. "Uhm… sometimes I can't tell? I'm always so… I mean, I don't ever actually feel like I sleep at all… so I can't tell if I'm dreaming or just thinking…" He finally looked at James, leaning forward on his knees with a slight look of distress. "Does that make any sense?"
It didn't, really, not to James, but he nodded anyway. He weighed lying against Logan feeling misunderstood and chose the lie.
"Well, what were you thinking about?" he asked, finally pushing up to sit back against the headboard. He always tried not to take into account how strange their living arrangement was becoming: living together, but not as a couple; raising a child, but not as a couple; sharing a bed, but not as a couple. Just really, really good friends. James tried not to think about it. Especially now, when he was supposed to be listening to Logan.
Logan gave him a look that told James he should know exactly what Logan had been thinking about, but sighed and answered, "Just… how nothing is fair." James knew that wasn't a totally honest reply, but he let Logan continue. "It sounds so childish of me, and I feel so guilty every time I think about it, but what did I ever do to deserve this?"
He took a breath and shook his head in some internal argument that James wasn't invited to. Finally, Logan said, "It's just… so… hard. Taking care of a baby, studying, cooking, counseling—" Logan's voice broke a little, and James could tell he was embarrassed by it by the way he turned his face away, rubbing his temple, but he went on. "I hate that counselor more and more every time I have to go. She makes me leave Cam and talk about—about Camille, and I—I hate it, James."
Logan looked at James then, shaking his head with this pained expression, as if someone had punched a hole right through the middle of him, like in those sick thrillers James could never watch when he was younger because they gave him nightmares. James hurt, too, of course he did… but he knew enough that it was nothing compared to what Logan dealt with all the time and he didn't dare imagine it was.
The best he figured he could do was to tell Logan it would be alright, but how could he do such a thing? James didn't claim to be a psychic, or even wise, or even remotely intelligent, so what gave him the right to tell Logan that things would be alright?
"I'm sorry I'm… whining and moaning like this…" Logan whispered in a rasp when James didn't say anything, looking at the sheets wrapped around his legs. "I just feel like I can't have one happy moment when every time I turn around, there's something to remind me how much everything just… just sucks…"
James wanted to laugh at Logan's choice of phrasing, but he figured it was accurate, so he couldn't blame him. Things did suck. But, from James' perspective, fewer things sucked than didn't and Logan had a bright side to look on.
"Hey, it's okay, dude…" James said, reaching out and laying a hand on Logan's shoulder. "Complain all you want, seriously. I mean, if you want to talk ever, you really just… should. Just talk to me… not like I'm ever going to tell you to shut up."
Logan looked back over at him with a sort of forced smile before shifting back to sit next to him against the headboard. James took that as an invitation to continue talking. And also to just sort of ease his arm around Logan's shoulders, similar to how he had a couple months ago. Only this time, Logan just sighed and relaxed back into James' arm, didn't move into James' body or lay his head on his shoulder. James tried not to be disappointed.
"I know things are… pretty crappy," James continued. "But don't you have plenty of great stuff, too? I mean, you still have the guys, you have Cam—"
"You." James blinked, and then frowned at Logan questioningly, who still just stared straight ahead, but took a breath and clarified. "I'm glad you're here… It… it would be so much harder if you weren't here…" He looked at James again, and this time his smile was so much more genuine that James couldn't stop the way his heartbeat picked up.
It got especially difficult to fight his heart when Logan moved of his own accord to wrap his arms around James' neck, hugging him firmly. James hesitated, but definitely wasn't ready for Logan to pull away too soon, so he quickly caught up to the opportunity holding Logan tightly to him, hands steady on his back, feeling every breath through his spine. He refused to let go, but it didn't seem to matter; Logan wasn't trying to pull away at all.
James reminded himself yet again that no one really hugged Logan anymore. He wasn't a cold person, not nearly as distant from the world as some people assumed he was, so even Logan enjoyed a good hug every so often. But no one was really there to accept the task. None of the boys were as close as they used to be, physically or emotionally, nor were they really boys. They'd grown up, they'd moved into their own lives, separate from one another. Carlos was no longer there to playfully tackle Logan to the ground every day. Kendall couldn't give him so many reassuring pats on the back like he probably really needed at this point in his life. And James… well. James just didn't trust himself.
Camille had probably hugged him all the time. Among all the other things she'd done that made Logan feel good. And James just couldn't.
"I'm… really grateful for you, James," Logan muttered against his neck, and James hoped Logan couldn't feel how hot his skin got as he closed his eyes. It shouldn't have taken just that much, it shouldn't, James thought, trying to keep his imagination from running wild. He was a grown man, almost 24 at this point, he wasn't an anxious teenager desperate to be touched and loved anymore. This didn't mean anything, so he shouldn't have even allowed himself to believe it did, not a bit.
When Logan made no effort to move away, James wondered if he'd fallen asleep on him. Which… wouldn't have been too bad, he considered. He could stand to hold Logan through the night, really. But when he shifted to see for sure, Logan just lifted his chin from James' shoulder and raised his eyebrows at him questioningly for the movement.
James shouldn't have done what he did next. But he just couldn't get over how sad Logan was and how long it had been since he'd had a proper hug, and how long had it been since he'd had something else, too? Anything? Those things that used to remind him he was loved and needed?
He took Logan's chin in his hand and tilted his head to touch their lips softly together. Logan started to pull away, started to say something, but James only leaned in, kissing him with more emphasis this time. He'd resisted so long, lived in close quarters with not enough air to breathe, and now he was risking so much, but Logan's lips were soft and tasted like toothpaste and sleep and James just needed it right now. Not to mention that he thoroughly believed Logan did, too.
This theory was indulged when Logan didn't push or pull or struggle. He allowed James' lips to move slowly against his, holding his breath and keeping completely still. James was moving his hand from Logan's chin to cup his cheek when he realized how serious the repercussions of his actions could be. He pulled away to inspect Logan's face, feeling like he might throw up his own heart over what he just did.
Logan had his eyes closed, eyebrows knitted too close together and James thought maybe even his bottom lip was trembling nervously. He drew his thumb over it, the tiny tremor disappearing under his touch as Logan opened his eyes. James met them steadily, but he figured it was the lack of light that kept him from being able to read anything in them.
Logan stared hard at James and he was a little frightened that he had invoked some rage, as James was prone to do. However, after a moment of thoughtful frowning, Logan licked his lips and moved a hand up to the back of James' neck, guiding him back down to his mouth. James sucked in a gasp that was really some of Logan's breath before he returned to moving his lips gently, tenderly.
He shifted their positions, dropping an arm around Logan's waist to pull him closer and turned his body to face Logan better. Logan seemed to respond well, leaning more into the kiss like it was something exotic and he grasped for the front of James' shirt a little desperately. James got a little bold, and as soon as he felt Logan's lips part naturally, he slipped his tongue past them, grazing the edge of Logan's teeth.
Except maybe the way Logan was gripping his shirt wasn't desperation, it was fear and nerves and everything else that lived in Logan and constantly ruined good things. Logan suddenly broke the kiss off, pushing gently at James' stomach where fabric was bunched up in his hand. "James…" he whispered, shaking his head in a way that made James feel like his lungs were filling with liquid nitrogen or some other scary-sounding chemical substance. "James, I can't, I'm married—"
"You're widowed," James cut in, making Logan's lips snap shut in a line and his eyes try to harden, but they just couldn't seem to focus back on James.
"…it's wrong," Logan tried again.
"Does it feel wrong?"
Logan averted his gaze, looking across the room at the empty wall there. "…no."
"How does it feel?" James pressed anxiously. When Logan didn't answer, he asked, "Does it feel… bad?" He tried to keep the waver out of his voice, but he couldn't deny that he was nervous the answer might be "Yes."
Finally, after plenty of dead staring, Logan answered almost voicelessly, "…no."
"It feels good?" James jumped to, ducking his head to the side a bit to try and regain Logan's attention.
Logan turned his head back in James' direction, but looked down, hiding his face. "Stop…"
"Does it feel right?" James continued, leaning down now to recapture Logan's eyes, but it wasn't working as Logan fought to keep his gaze far down. "Logan? I need to know. Does it feel—"
Logan gave a slight jerk of his hand where it was still fisted in James' shirt and looked at him now, a little pleadingly as he said sharply, "Stop it."
But James was adamant. "I need you to tell me! How does it—"
"Just stop talking and do it again!" Logan snapped, much more forceful this time when he yanked James' shirt forward. His jaw was set in a way that contrasted with the uncertainty in his eyes.
James could hardly muster an, "…oh…" before Logan was pulling him back towards him by his shirt. Logan whispered, almost to himself, "It… it feels good. It feels good…"
His lips back on Logan's, James employed skills he hadn't touched on in quite a long while now, at least not since his focus had moved away from romantic prospects and on to Logan and his well-being. At least this time Logan was responding, tugging needily at the front of James' shirt, his fingers playing at the back of his neck, but staying firm. James was a little more vehement, pulling Logan into him by his waist, holding a hand hard at the small of his back. He'd been waiting too long for this, wanted it for too long to not go all in.
He could remember being sixteen and watching Logan whisper to himself through math problems, eyes fixated on well-shaped pink lips. Or staring at his hands as they fumbled over piano keys in an attempt to grasp music better, wanting nothing more than to have them attempting to grasp at his body instead.
And Logan was kissing back with shaking breath and wet tongue as if he'd been waiting and wanting even longer than James had. Maybe it was just the desperation to feel something physical again, the need for human touch and affection, but James liked to think it was because of him.
James' hand went naturally under the hem of Logan's shirt, smoothing across his lower back gently as Logan shifted forward, tucking his legs under him in order to lean closer to James. He responded with a small sound and a gentle push at James' stomach, but it subsided like an impulse reaction that he hadn't really meant. However, when James slid his thumb into the waist of Logan's sweatpants, that earned an extra reaction, a harder push at James and Logan actually leaned away, breaking this kiss off entirely.
"James, what—" he started, but James followed Logan's movement, reconnecting their mouths and licking into Logan's fervently, sure that this was only another unintentional break as he tugged at the elastic in Logan' pants in what he only meant to be a playful manner.
Except Logan shoved at him again, forceful this time and James withdrew immediately, getting the feeling that that was intentional. "James!" he snapped, giving him the most disgusted look James thought he'd ever been met with. It stabbed into his center, up under his ribs and sliced his racing heart.
He just stared with slack lips, still slick from Logan's mouth, as Logan put distance between them on the bed and averted his eyes. "Logan, I—" he started, but he was interrupted by tiny sobs over the baby monitor and they both looked at it to see little green lights glow incessantly with Cam's cries.
James looked back just as Logan hurried out of bed like he couldn't get away fast enough. James made a hopeful grab for his hand, but Logan pulled it away at the last second, stepping far away from the bed and avoiding James' stare. "Logan, please," he tried again, breathless, air knocked out of him by invisible blows.
Logan just shook his head as if trying to physically get James' pleas out of it. "No, no, I need to take care of Cam, I'm going to take care of him, I'm going," he said over and over. But James felt hope rise in his stomach like something vile as Logan stopped at the door to actually look at him. All he said, though, was, "…don't follow me," very quietly before he disappeared around the corner into the nursery.
James fell back down into the pillows miserably. Of course he had to mess it up, he always had to do something wrong. Why couldn't he just make things right for Logan? For both of them? They were at the precipice of happiness, he could feel it every now and then, rushing up like waves and then away just as fast.
He closed his eyes in frustration and clutched the blankets near his face. James fell asleep waiting for Logan to come back, and when he woke up just hours later with the sun, he was still alone in a too-big bed.
...
Cake making wasn't easy, at least not for James, but at least he had gotten past the hard part. Cam's half-birthday party was supposed to be the next day and although Logan had said previously that he would help, James desperately wanted to make this cake on his own. Logan was handling the preparation of lunch for everyone, so the least James could do was bake a cake.
He was coming up on the actually difficult part now as he finished mixing the batter. Cam sat in his walker near James' feet, pushing around the kitchen every so often—in shoes, of course. Although it'd been two months since the glass incident, Logan still required that everyone wear thick-soled shoes in the kitchen.
Logan…
James hadn't gotten to talk to him all day. He was all over the apartment, cleaning unnecessarily, blowing up balloons, hanging streamers. The only words they'd exchanged were James telling Logan, "Cam can hang out in the kitchen while I make the cake," and Logan staring back without response for the longest time. James had seen the conflict behind his eyes, trying to decide if he was going to bring up the previous night or not.
He couldn't decide if he was relieved or disappointed when all Logan had said on his way out of the kitchen was, "Just don't let him get too close to the oven."
So that had been the extent of "talking about it." James wasn't sure if that was a good thing or not. But at least he'd left Cam in the kitchen with him, James appreciated that.
James turned off the beaters in the bowl, deciding the mixture was sufficiently blended. So what if there was a dot of powder here and there? That wasn't going to kill anyone. Besides, his arm was getting tired. He unlocked the beaters from the handle and gave one a lick before dropping it in the sink.
A thought occurred to him before he licked the second beater and he hesitated, tongue out, ready to indulge in gooey, chocolatey deliciousness and glanced at Cam in his walker. He was smacking the spinning mirror on his walker repeatedly, entertaining himself with the movement. If he was old enough to chew soft foods to mush with his gums, surely he was old enough to lick a beater. Plus, licking the beater was a childhood pastime James barely ever took part in and he wanted Cam to have as many encounters with such a magical experience as possible.
"Hey, buddy," James cooed, his voice a little higher than he would normally use, and knelt in front of Cam's walker. Cam lit up at being paid attention to, slamming both hands on his tray in excitement. "Wanna taste chocolate? It's awesome," James offered, holding the beater out to the baby. "And contrary to popular belief, does not cause breakouts."
Cam's smile slunk a little as he stared in fascination at the beater and James couldn't help grinning to himself. Oh, he was going to love this. He watched as Cam slowly reached for the beater and wrapped his fingers around the handle, taking it from James' grasp and testing the weight for a moment. And then, just like everything else he ever grabbed, he put his mouth on the end. James actually had to laugh at the way Cam's eyes widened in bewilderment as his tongue poked all around the metal, lapping at batter and absorbing the new taste. It was already smeared all over his chin and nose, but James figured that didn't matter. Babies were washable.
James ruffled Cam's short curls and straightened back up and returned to the counter to finish his baking extravaganza. Okay, so it wasn't going to be the best cake in the world, but it would be good. Edible, at least. Assuming James got all the egg shell pieces...
"James! What the hell?"
He was just poking around with a fork inside the glass dish he'd poured the batter into, just to make sure, but jumped at Logan's shout and dropped the fork in the batter as he spun around in a panic. However, nothing was amiss. Cam seemed slightly shaken by Logan's entrance, but was still licking contentedly at his new favorite flavor, staring up at Logan next to him. James shook his head and held out his hands expectantly. "What?"
Logan looked furious, eyes sparking dangerously as he bent over to roughly snatch the beater out of Cam's hands. "What is this?" he demanded, shaking it at James like it was a foreign object. Cam shook a little from shock, but then slowly began to melt into long cries.
James was feeling similarly shocked as he just gaped at Logan. "Uhm, it's the beater from making the cake batter. What's wrong?"
"You can't give him this!"
"Why not? Logan, just give it back, he's crying…" James said, thoroughly confused at Logan's behavior. Even through all the counseling, all the bad days, Logan never snatched things from Cam, never yelled like this and made him cry. James moved to pick Cam up out of his walker to sooth him, feeling torn in half by his reddening face and tear-drenched eyes, but Logan grabbed his sleeve and pulled him away, toward the sink, putting himself between James and the walker.
"Don't touch him. Stop it," he snapped, thrusting the beater into James' shirt and successfully staining it with chocolate batter. "Take this, wash it off."
James didn't know what to think. Logan didn't talk to him like this, even when he was frustrated with him, he never told James things like not to touch Cam. "What? What do you mean don't touch him? What's the matter with you? He was enjoying it, it's just chocolate!"
"He's six months old! He can't have chocolate cake batter!" Logan shot back, throwing the beater forcefully into the sink himself when James didn't take it. The loud clang of metal caused Cam to scream and cry louder. Something seemed to click in Logan's head and he turned around, hastily scooping Cam into his arms and holding him close to his shoulder, despite the chocolate batter all over his face.
"Why the hell not? What is it going to hurt? It's chocolate," James yelled, not quite meaning to let his volume raise like that.
"I said no, James! Goddammit!"
"What—Logan—look, I've read all the parenting magazines and books, I've researched, I'm not being stupid!"
"Why? I don't see why you read those damn things anyway! You aren't anyone's parent!"
James hesitated at that. It wasn't like he needed to be reminded that Cam wasn't his, that Logan wasn't his, that none of this life was his. He knew it and Logan knew he knew it, there was nothing James needed to be told. "…can we not do this today?"
"No, we're going to," Logan shot back immediately, not even allowing James to get every word out. "We've been over this. You can't take liberties as if you're Cam's father! You just aren't! You need to stop!"
"Logan, this isn't a big deal, it's just cake batter, so can you just… not?" It wasn't like this was nearly as bad as the glass thing, James had learned his lesson after that, and this was just a little bit of cake batter.
"No!" Logan practically screamed, and it wasn't doing anything to calm Cam's screeches of crying. "You—you said if I wanted to talk, I should, and you know what? I want to talk. I want to say—I want to say I hate this all! Everything! Being alone and not being the one to make Cam laugh and smile and—"
"You make him laugh and smile all the time!" James cut in. He didn't know where this all was coming from. Why was Logan just suddenly saying these things? What had James done to him?
"Not like you do. It just… it isn't fair! I want to make him laugh! I want to give him chocolate!" And now Logan seemed damn near crying, his voice thickening, but not giving way to his volume at all.
"Give him the chocolate, then, Logan! You're standing right here, he's crying, hand him the damn beater!" James shouted back, unable to calm himself now, not even for Cam's sake. He grabbed the beater out of the sink behind him and thrust it at Logan, who backed away.
"No, that—that isn't the point!"
"I don't get it, then! What is the point?"
"This isn't how it's supposed to be! I'm supposed to be happy!"
Again, James was caught off-guard. He lowered his hand, holding the beater at his side, practically forgotten in just a moment. "…you aren't happy? At all?"
"No!" Logan cried, incredulous at James' words. "God, James, my wife died! How am I supposed to be happy?"
"It's been six months, I thought you were getting better, I thought you were—"
"Moving on? To what, to you?"
"…I just thought—"
"No, James. This isn't right, what we're doing, it's—it's—"
"It isn't wrong, though! You're getting better, you're getting happier!"
"No, I'm not! I'm getting sadder! Every day she's gone, I miss her more and I'm sadder!"
"But… but you said last night that I was helping, that I made it less hard…"
"…sometimes you do. Sometimes it's nice to have someone else to lessen the load. But for the most part? All you do is remind me that I lost someone I loved. You make me wish she was here. Things would be so much easier if she were here…"
"But I'm here, Logan, I'm making things easier, I'm trying!" James tried taking another step toward Logan, reaching out to touch his arm, but Logan jerked away, clutching Cam to him protectively, as though James were going to take him away.
"Well, maybe you shouldn't be," he said.
That stopped James in his tracks, hand outstretched for Logan, fingers suddenly shaking a little. "…what?"
"Here. Maybe you shouldn't be here."
"…no… Logan, what are you saying?" He tried again to touch Logan, but again Logan turned away, this time going into the living room with the crying baby. James stumbled after him immediately.
"It's too difficult to see you every day and not her, James—"
"No, Logan, please," James pleaded. He couldn't leave this apartment, he couldn't leave Logan alone, he couldn't leave Cam and this life he'd begun to become so attached to. He didn't know what he would do without Logan and Cam now. They may not have been his, but they still were, they were his family and his constants, the things he couldn't have taken away.
But Logan wasn't hearing it. "I would rather be alone than have to see you every day and be reminded—"
"Please, don't do this, I can't—"
"I lost her, it isn't like we split, I lost her—"
"I don't want to—"
"You can't replace her, James, I can't let you replace her."
"I'm not trying to! I just want to help! Please! I—I love it here, I love being here, I love helping you, I love Cam—"
"Stop it! No!" Logan snapped, levels leaping back up high as he turned back on James, but he only looked him in the eye before he had to look away. "Don't say it. James, come on, this is hard enough, don't make it worse, please…"
"…you want me to move back out," James said weakly, although the fact had already been made very apparent.
"I… I just think it's time you go back to your own place…" Logan's temper seemed to be ebbing away now, shame overtaking. Cam was gasping his breaths on Logan's shoulder, still soaking it in tears and chocolatey slobber.
"…can't I… Can I have one more chance? Another day? To prove I should be here?" James heard the desperation in his own voice, the tremor and fear.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because you and I both know I'll change my mind out of guilt and I don't want to." Logan finally met James' eyes and James almost wished he hadn't. The stoney coldness there was almost too much for him to handle. "Please go get your things together."
But James thought, behind the carefully structured walls Logan was building around himself, he could see a glimmer of something different. "…this has nothing to do with Cam or the magazines, does it, it's because of last night, isn't it—"
"Please. Just… get your things together." Logan turned away again, bouncing Cam gently as he walked to the window.
"Now?"
"Yes."
"But the party—"
"I'll call everyone and tell them it's off. Whatever. I don't care. I didn't want to have this stupid thing in the first place. Just go."
James didn't move for a long moment. He couldn't believe this was happening. He felt like he'd been climbing a tree and had his foot slip on a branch. He couldn't catch onto anything and he didn't know how far down he had to fall. This was just so sudden. Five minutes ago he'd been baking a cake—a cake that would now go unbaked and wasted—and giggling with Cam over discoveries and new experiences... and now he was getting kicked out. Being exiled to his own, lonely bachelor pad in a completely different part of town. Everything he loved was being taken away.
But Logan wasn't moving. He wasn't turning around to see if James was going anywhere, and it was clear he wasn't taking anything back. He'd said his peace and wanted nothing more to do with James, who wanted everything to do with him. As much as it hurt to give up, James didn't have any option but to turn and walk slowly back to the nursery to pack his things up.