A/N: I would have liked to have gotten this chapter to you sooner, but life happened. So sorry about that. Life tends to do such nasty things as happening and whatnot, but I'll try to be better. Hope you enjoy! –J

Everyone knows I'm in over my head… And suddenly I become part of the past. I'm becoming the part that don't last. I'm losing you and it's effortless… Everyone knows she's on your mind…

-Over My Head (Cable Car), The Fray

I was fidgeting like a mad person. Cherry told me she had made progress and to meet her in our usual place at the usual time. Progress. What did that mean? Had she slept with him? Had she almost slept with him? Had she gotten some sort of confession of guilt?

For the first time I was wishing Cherry would arrive and fill the air with smoke, anything to calm me down. I wondered vaguely if there were potions to help me manage my nerves that were non-addictive.

Great, I was becoming a druggie.

"Morning, sunshine," said that voice I was beginning to see in a vast variety of nightmares. Cherry had finally arrived, already rolling one of those disgusting smoke contraptions and dropping her book bag as she leaned against the wall opposite me. "Been sleeping? You look ill."

Of course, she had to point that out, and with such glee in her voice. It's as if I didn't have feelings. Maybe that's what she thought of me?

Clearly, the paranoia was out of control.

I cleared my throat.

"You said you needed to meet me," I pressed. "What have you got?"

Cherry considered me as she smoked, her face thoughtful and intense. It's as though she was trying to gauge what my possible reactions to her news would be.

"Progress," she said finally. "He's beginning to trust me, but I haven't got anything solid. I've got to go slow so he doesn't suspect. I need to know…" She bit her lip thoughtfully. "I need to know if you can handle the long haul. This isn't a blitz, this is a delicate operation. If this takes time, are you going to be able to wait it out, or are you going to snap?"

I considered her point. It had barely been any time at all into the plan and I was already going a bit nutty with anxiety and guilt. If this took… months… or something like that, would I still be functioning? I had my future, my N.E.W.T.s to think of.

"If he hasn't cheated by the end of the year," I decided, "we call it over."

"And you'll be okay until then?"

I nodded. I had to be.

"If you say so, Puffer," she sighed, exhaling a long stream of smoke. Then, to my surprise, she put out her joint, clasped my shoulder, and said, "Buck up, buttercup," as she made her way back out of the room. I frowned. Buttercup? I wish she'd stick with one degrading nickname and stop bouncing around. I was beginning to feel like a pet.

I wasn't sure what was going on in Cherry's head, but knowing Cherry, it was better that way. My feet carried me to the Charms courtyard. Homework, essays, reading. Immersing myself in school would make everything better.

Barely after I began to read, I was joined by Remus. He said not a word, just sat beside me and pulled out his own book, finding a marked page and going right at it. With a frown, I turned back to my own book. Remus and I were friendly, but this sort of behavior was certainly out of character.

"Don't react to anything I say to you," he said softly, conversationally, "and if you speak, pretend like we're discussing the weather. And be quiet about it."

"Why?" I said, obeying orders and keeping my voice as even as possible. I felt like one of those spies in those Muggle films that were so popular. All I needed was a martini and a slinky cocktail dress. My nerves were already on edge.

"Don't need more rumors flying around about your love life, do you? Anyway, I know what you're doing."

My heart skipped about six beats. He had figured it out. He knew everything. He had come to tell me that Sirius was cheating on me and that he had told Sirius everything and I was about to be publically humiliated. My life was over.

"I haven't determined your plan," he continued, "and I don't expect you to tell me. I don't want you to. But whatever your new arrangement is meant to accomplish, be careful, Ali. I've been a Marauder long enough to know that you don't play around with girls like that unless you know what you're getting yourself into. I don't want to get involved in whatever you're up to, and I think it would be a bad idea if I tried, but you need someone on your side. And I don't mean your partner, I mean someone on your side, looking out for your interests. If – if things don't go well, if you need someone, I'm here for you, okay? If you start feeling funny about things, let me know and pull out. Whatever you're trying to do, it's not worth you getting hurt."

"What are you saying, Remus?" I whispered, very confused about what he was talking about. I clearly wasn't cut out to be in Muggle spy films. It didn't help that my paranoid mind was trying to read more into his words than he was probably saying. Subtlety was not my thing.

"I'm saying," he said softly, pausing thoughtfully. "I'm saying you can trust me, no matter who else you can or can't. I'll be here, and you can trust me." He turned a page of his book leisurely. "I may not always tell you things, but I'd never lie to you, Ali."

I believed him. Remus didn't seem the type. I imagined he wouldn't have been very good at lying, just as I was a terrible spy. There was one way to find out, however.

"Is Sirius–?"

"Good night, Ali," he said swiftly, rushing to get up, waving goodbye, and leaving before I finished my question.

Of course, he could promise not to lie as much as he wanted, but what good did it do if he wouldn't let me demand the truth out of him? I should have made him make an Unbreakable Vow. Perhaps it was selfish of me, asking him to possibly betray one of his best friends for me, but I was a nervous wreck, damn it, and I wanted answers!

Cherry said this could take a while. How long was a while? Would I be a sane, functioning person, or would the stress have rendered me to incoherent mush? At that point, I was leaning toward mush.

"Peter!" I called, spotting the mousey Marauder as I wandered the halls, "I have a couple of questions for you."

"Yeah?" he squeaked eagerly.

"Do you know if Calming Draughts are addictive?"

"I-I-I'm not sure. Is this on our homework? I-I don't' think they are. Y-you could ask Sirius–"

"No," I said sharply, causing the boy to jump. "I don't want him knowing we had this talk. Do you know where they keep them in the infirmary?"

"Of course!" he squeaked happily, obviously pleased I asked a question he knew the answer to.

"Think you can nick me some?" I breathed, shocked as Peter was at my boldness. I was asking Peter to break some serious rules on my behalf, but he was a Marauder, after all. He probably had a rule-breaking quota to meet to stay in the gang.

"How much?" he asked once he had gotten over his initial surprise at my request.

"Not too much, you could always get more later, right?" He nodded. "How soon can you do it? How long will it take?"

"I can go right now!" he squeaked. Before I even had a chance to say please, he rushed off in the direction of the infirmary. Having nothing better to do than wait for him, I pulled out a book and sat against the wall. It didn't take long at all for Peter to return with half a dozen vials of Calming Draught.

"How long will that last you?" he said as he slid them into my bag, one by one, stealthily.

"A few weeks," I replied, astonished with how much he had managed to acquire.

"Let me know if you need more, then," Peter said happily, and I thanked him hastily before rushing into the nearest toilet and carefully drinking about half a mouthful of the liquid. Too much Calming Draught acts as a sedative, and I would attract suspicion if I wasn't cautious about dosage.

I pulled out my homework planner when I got back out to the hall and decided to start on my Defense Against the Dark Arts essay. I had barely been studying long when Cherry and a group of her delinquent friends sauntered past. Her friends looked at me disdainfully, but it was the knowing smirk Cherry gave me that made my brain race with paranoia and my heart rate double. How could this be? Had I studied so long that the potion had already worn off? I checked my watch, but I couldn't think of what time I took the first dose. I must have studied longer than I thought.

Carefully, I finished the vial. It wasn't very big, I told myself. I knew that should have lasted me at least two days, but it wasn't working properly. I wasn't calm.

"Hey," said a voice above me as I returned to my book, feeling not only calm but, a little bit sleepy.

"Sirius," I muttered in greeting, and he flopped to the ground beside me.

"I know you like to study, Ali," he said in an amused voice, "but isn't this a bit of a random location?"

I shrugged.

"C'mon," he chuckled. "Let's go for a walk."

I was growing sleepier, but I complied, following him down the hall. I wasn't sure what path we took to my favorite spot, but I knew we were there before long.

"I feel like I haven't seen you in a while," he murmured. I nodded absently. I couldn't quite recall the last time we had been alone, but it probably didn't matter. He was acting like a girl, all of the sudden. We were together, why was he being so silly? It wasn't like Sirius to be sentimental.

I buried my face in his chest, inhaling his spicy scent and relishing in his warmth. I allowed him to wrap his arms around him as I inhaled his delicious scent. He was incredibly cozy.

"Ali?" he said, his voice amused. "What are you doing?"

"You smell nice," I mumbled sleepily. "You smell like Christmas."

"Like Christmas," he laughed. "Do you like Christmas, Ali?"

I nodded. Of course I liked Christmas. What a silly question.

His lips were on my neck, I was against the wall, and it all felt so good… smelt so good… I may have sighed, but my brain wasn't processing things at normal speed. His lips on mine, his tongue… Sirius had the most delicious tongue.

I imagine he was pleased. I wasn't fighting him, even if I wasn't the world's most eager and willing participant. And yet, he pulled back, frowning at me. It took me several moments to figure out why.

He was groping me, but I hadn't pushed him away. I hadn't even acknowledged it. I still wasn't acknowledging it. That would have taken energy. I simply stared at his confused face through heavily-lidded eyes, too tired to tell him off. Clearly expecting me to do something, to rebuke him, his hands retreated and he kissed me on the cheek chastely.

"Are you feeling okay, Ali?"

I nodded. I felt great. A little sleepy, but so relaxed…

"Did you take any funny potions?"

"No," I muttered. "I'm just sleepy. N.E.W.T.s."

Well, it was true. I knew exactly what I had taken. There wasn't anything funny about it. And N.E.W.T.s seemed to be a good explanation for everything these days. Late for Slughorn's class? N.E.W.T.s. Forgot the textbook? N.E.W.T.s. Don't have anything to wear? N.E.W.T.s. It was like a disease we all had and blamed for all the bad things in our lives. But he had pushed me away… Had I done something wrong?

"All night studying, again? C'mon, Ali, let's get you to sleep. Promise you'll sleep and not study?"

"Promise."

"I was too drowsy to study, anyway. But I was calm. I wasn't paranoid. Everything was fine.

"You'll be fine tomorrow."

"Mmhmm…"

The next morning, I woke up in an entirely unfamiliar place. The potion had worn off and my initial reaction was panic. Trying to keep myself relatively calm, however, I sat up slowly. There were curtains. I moved one back. I was in a dormitory, and the curtains were red.

Gryffindor.

There were several other beds, but I could have figured that out without seeing. There were posters of Quidditch players on the wall. That was rather ambiguous. I knew Marlene had dozens of posters of Quidditch players she wanted to marry. Most girls did. I kept looking.

More red beds. One of the curtains was shifting to reveal…. Naked Peter?

Perhaps the screaming at the top of my lungs was overreacting. But if you've never seen Peter naked, not only are you incredibly lucky, but you're not one to judge. He had the decency to blush and close the curtains around him. Beside the bed, Sirius, who was on the floor, shot to an upright position and began frantically shushing me.

"Merlin, Ali, what's the matter?"

"Why the bloody hell am I in your room?" I shrieked.

He blinked.

I blinked.

I had just cursed at him.

"Um," he muttered. "I couldn't remember your password and there was a prefect on the way. I figured it was safer to just get you here."

"I can't sleep in your dorm, Sirius!" I cried. "What will people think?"

"I slept on the floor," he huffed defensively.

Cute, I thought to myself. He was cute when he was defensive.

Oh, who was I kidding, Sirius was always cute. It just didn't bode well to say that to him. He prided his manliness.

"Sirius, I can't sleep in this room," I moaned. "For one thing, I just saw Peter nude–"

"Sorry!" Peter squeaked.

" – and for another thing, what do you think people are going to think when I walk out of your dormitory in your house wearing the same thing I wore yesterday?"

"Okay, firstly," Sirius said, "I'm sorry about Peter. He does that. We tell him to stop. He does it anyway." There was a grumble of assent from the other boys on their respective curtained beds. "Secondly, I don't know what people are going to think, but I doubt it matters. Thirdly, nobody's going to know you're wearing the same clothes unless you tell them. It's a bloody school uniform, love. They all look the same."

"Of course you don't see how it would matter what they think," I moaned. "You don't have to live with their stares, and the laughs, and the rumors! They like you. They're not making you the butt of every joke!"

"All right, Ali, calm down," he said nervously. "What's all this about?"

Calm. I needed to take the Calming Draught. Sirius and I needed to have this conversation, but I never envisioned it going quite like this. Calming Draught. It would be better if I wasn't a paranoid piece of work.

"We need to have a chat," I said finally. "Privately."

"All right," Sirius said thoughtfully. "I'll close your curtains, the boys will dress and get out, and then we can have a talk, all right?"

I nodded, closing the curtains around me. Where was my bag? Calming Draught… Calming Draught… There it was! Foot of the bed. I found a vial, uncorked it quietly, and took three half-swallows.

"Hurry up, guys. The sooner you get out of here the sooner I can talk to her and the sooner you can come back and actually get ready. C'mon, Peter, scram!"

Several minutes later, the curtains opened again and Sirius sat on the bed beside me.

"Now," he sighed, "what's on your mind, love?"

"Your bloody fan club," I hissed, realizing I wasn't as calm as I would have liked. My hand twitched toward my bag, but I stopped myself. Sirius didn't need to know about my self-medication. He would get suspicious. Suspicious would get us caught. That would be bad.

"Out of curiosity," Sirius said with an amused expression, "what's the deal with your new vocabulary?"

My cheeks grew hot and I shrugged a little.

"I guess my more recent company is rubbing off on me. Sorry."

Of course, I was referring to Cherry, but Sirius didn't have to know that.

"No, no, I like it," he said with a little bark of laughter. "I just thought I'd never hear something like that come out of your sweet little mouth, princess. Now, my fan club? What about them?"

Princess. Many girls would appreciate such a name from their boyfriend. The way he said it though, it felt too much like how Cherry called me "Puffer" or "sunshine" to make me feel like it was a term of endearment. It was almost demeaning.

"It's not just them, but I think they're the source of it all," I said, trying to imagine I was talking to Remus, a rational, intelligent, drama-free being. With Remus, I could be calm. With Sirius, calm was nearly impossible. "You've heard the rumors?"

"About me sleeping with everything that moves?" he said with a wry smirk. "Don't listen to them, Ali. It's a bunch of rubbish."

"It's not just those, though," I admitted softly. I'd never spoken about this aloud, these things. I had avoided discussing them with Marlene and Lily when they came up. I didn't want to admit knowing, caring, or how much they hurt. "Have you heard what they say about me?"

He frowned slightly, the smirk sliding off his face. With a little shake of his head, I steadied myself, trying to think of how to tell him.

"They talk about your 'naïve little Hufflepuff toy', like I'm some sort of piece of trash. Sometimes they say I'm not good enough for you, but you keep me around because I'm something to look at. Sometimes they say the only reason you're near me is because I'm obviously putting out several times a day. S-sometimes…" I rubbed my arms self-consciously. This stung the most. "Sometimes they say you're only dating me as a favor to James, trying to get Lily's attention."

I didn't meet his eyes. Whether or not he was cheating on me, whatever he thought of me, whatever the truth of the relationship was, I never wanted to know whether that particular rumor might be true. There was nothing that hurt more than the thought that I was, once again, second best to Lily. She had everything, the beauty, the personality, the charm, the attention of every professor, every student she wished. James Potter declared his undying love for her on an almost daily basis. Before Sirius asked me out, I was hardly a hot commodity on the dating market.

And that was fine. Lily was unnaturally gorgeous. I was pretty enough, at best. Lily was witty, clever, creative. I was very bookish without much in the way of a sense of humor and, admittedly, underdeveloped social skills. Marlene had worked hard on me for years, dressing me up, telling me what to say, setting me up on Hogsmeade dates, but it never worked out. She picked boys who would like a girl like her or Lily. What sort of a boy would like a girl like me?

And then Lily became Head Girl and she had truly outshined me at everything. The one thing I could never live with is the knowledge that Sirius, the one truly great thing that happened in my time at Hogwarts, the one thing Lily had nothing to do with, was really all because James wanted to have better access to Lily.

"I haven't heard it, but Ali," Sirius whispered, but I cut him off.

"It hurts. It hurts a lot. And I don't care if any of it's true, and even if it was, you'd say it's not, so save your breath," I whispered, "but I think you really ought to know, that even though you can just brush this off and pretend it doesn't matter, because for you it doesn't, for me it does. The world can't live up to your godlike standards, Sirius, and I certainly can't compare."

And without stopping to look at him, without saying goodbye, without even kissing his cheek, I hoisted up my bag with shaking hands and marched right out of the dormitory, out of the common room, and down the hall to the nearest toilet where I took the rest of the Calming Draught in the vial I had opened that morning. Suddenly it occurred to me that half a dozen vials were not going to last me nearly as long as I had thought they would.