Wretched Man

The things I don't want to do

I just keep doing

The things I want to do

I can't do

What a wretched man I am becoming

What a wretched man I have become

AN: Many thanks to my lovely beta, Avery, without her this chapter would be full of all kinds of silly mistakes. I wasn't originally planning on having Castiel show up this early in the story but it just sort of happened. Cas is a nickname and until (if) Bridgit ever calls him that he will not be referred to as such. I still own nothing pertaining to Supernatural besides my plot and Bridgit.

Bridgit couldn't help pacing throughout the room, occasionally glancing at the door in impatience and anxiety. When she first arrived at the office building, she had been led into this sparse white room containing two chairs and a desk, nothing else adorned the room; unless you counted her backpack which was laying in the chair she had previously occupied. All the while all she could think was this is a bad idea. The same five words repeating themselves over and over in her head, and every time it repeated it sounded more true than it had before. It was too late to back out, even if her conscious would allow it. Since she was here to meet with Uriel again, which was such a joy to look forward to, since he had left such a good impression the first time they met. The fact that his ego and attitude were big enough to rival the empire state building were of course endearing to Bridgit. He was definitely well on his way on becoming her favorite person in the world. The point was, her name was in, she was an official candidate, as if joining the Angels was some sort of prize or honor. Sadly, though, it probably was to some people. After all, they only accepted the best into their flock.

She finally stopped and shifted onto the balls of her sneaker clad feet, one hand running through her hair nervously- maybe she should put her hair back into a ponytail after all. She didn't know why she was called there, it could end up getting in her way if she just left it down. Deciding that putting it up was the best option after all, she walked over to her bag and dug through it finally pulling out an elastic. She was about to actually use it when the doorknob began to turn.

"Bishop?" The door had opened to reveal a tough looking man in a business suit with dark skin, broad shoulders and a nasty attitude. Uriel.

"Yeah?" Bridgit looked at him cautiously, she had her features schooled into a look of cocky assurance instead of the building frustration and doubt that had been building as they kept her waiting for an ungodly amount of time.

"Sit." He pointed towards the chair that her bag was currently occupying. Without a word she obeyed, moving the bag and sitting down, and throwing her hair back into a sloppy bun by the time he had sat across from her.

He sat across from her staring at her for five minutes, trying to intimidate her, before he actually spoke to her again, "We have your first assignment, you'll be pairing up with an experienced who will be there not only to prevent you from ruining everything, but to also evaluate you." He was looking her over in undisguised disdain; taking in her cheap tight tank top and holey skinny jeans. Bridgit could tell he was hoping she would screw up. She added sexism to his long list of likeable traits.

"What's the assignment?" She had an arrogant smirk on her face, playing the cocky, self-entitled thug role that would take over her life for who knows how long. Even in private she would have to take on these characteristics to prevent slip ups. Inside, though, she was having a mini panic attack that she would say or do something wrong, she could literally die tonight and Addison would never know the truth. She would believe her sister was attempting to join a gang and died in the process, leaving her all alone with her disappointment and sorrow.

He continued to stare down at her, well glare really. She couldn't be one hundred percent sure because that might just be how he looked all the time… At least whenever she's seen him. Then he opened his big mouth and ruined the beautiful silence, "Since you're obviously a novice and too stupid to do anything too important you get errand duty. There's a man who owes us, or rather, Michael a lot of money. Your job is to go and get him to pay his debt." He had a look in his eye, like he knew she wouldn't like what she was going to have to do. He was obviously pleased about it. The bastard.

Instead of commenting on this or opening her big mouth, she tried to look put out at his insult and in general clueless. There was no point in trying to impress him anyway, she knew his type and any attempts to earn his favor wouldn't impress him or make him like her. Hell, he'd probably just outright hate her instead, at least this way he sort of tried to hide the fact that her very presence was detestable, "So, you guys just want me to go get this guy's payment?"

His lip curled up into a sneer, "Try not to ask stupid questions, I don't like to repeat myself." He stood up and was heading to the door when he looked at her from over his shoulder, "Castiel will be here in a few minutes to take you out on your first job. Make sure you're ready." She couldn't help feeling genuine smugness; it must have nearly killed him to give her any form of a heads up.

And so she was left alone again, just perfect. Bridgit seemed to be doing a lot of waiting around for people lately. Which she absolutely hated because when you wait for something, eventually you're going to have to think since you have nothing better to do. Thinking then leads to remembering, and when you begin to remember things all those events and moments you have spent your whole life trying to forget all seem to attack you at once. Doubt, fear, regret, confusion, self-loathing, sorrow, all of it will fill your mind until you think you can't handle anymore, and still it just keeps on going. What mostly raced through her mind was the fact that she was lying to her little sister about pretty much everything going on in her life right now. She had lied more to Addison in the past week than she had ever lied in her entire life so far. They just kept piling up leaving Bridgit helpless and confused about what to do, she could tell her twin was worried, she knew something was wrong, but she just trusted Bridgit too much to not question it, yet. It made her feel like the shittiest person in the world. She didn't deserve that kind of blind faith.

And so by the time her 'babysitter', as she had mentally dubbed him, showed up around ten minutes later to collect her, she was in a foul, depressed mood. And, to be honest, he didn't really look like a happy, warm ball of sunshine and daisies either. Didn't they just make the perfect pair.

"Bridgit." The new man was one she hadn't seen around before in any of her limited dealings with Angels and he was a vast improvement to Uriel. For starters, he wasn't Uriel, but he was also a lot easier on the eyes, something that Bridgit couldn't help but mentally admit to herself. Speaking of eyes, he had some of the biggest, beautiful blue eyes she had ever seen in her life.

"And I'm guessing that you must be Castiel." She stood up, putting a hand on her hip, making an obvious show of looking him over before meeting his eyes. She cocked an eyebrow as if she was a little less than impressed with what she saw.

"Yes, I am Castiel. Your name is Bridgit?" He appeared to be irritated now, staring down at her like she was stupid and wasting his time. Amazingly he managed to convey all of this by barely moving any of his facial features at all. The man had talent.

"Bridgit Bishop, and it is lovely to meet you, too." She didn't even have to act this time, the sarcasm that was practically dripping from her voice came as naturally as breathing.

He ignored her comment, though, instead just turned around heading back out the door, leaving her in the room without any indication of whether or not she should stay or follow him. So there she was wondering if she should follow him. After a second of hesitation, she made a decision and took off after him with her sneakers squeaking on the polished floor, her backpack slung over her shoulder.

Her choice must have been the right one because when she caught up with Castiel and began to walk in step behind him, working hard to keep up with his long legs and fast pace, he didn't make a negative comment, or any comment at all. Since he obviously wasn't the talkative type and was paying as little attention to her as possible, it gave her time to study him for the report she was going to have to write up later and turn into her contact. His features she had down, blue eyes, short dark brown hair, almost black until the light hit it, stubble along his jaw, about six feet, etc. But now she took the time to take in his less important details, like the fact that he had on a tan trench coat. He also was wearing a business suit, unbuttoned over a white dress shirt and hanging from his neck was a loose, strikingly blue tie. What amused her slightly about the tie, it was hanging loosely and backwards, as if there was little effort put into it at all. Not exactly your typical 'gangster' wear. She briefly found herself considering whether he had a second job or if he just preferred that look.

They left the building and reached his car faster than she had expected, most likely a combination of how fast he walked and how close he had parked to the office building that Bridgit had been told to meet with them at. It was a two story building made from pale, tan stucco and a red ridged roof made from ceramic half cylinders. It belonged to some insurance company named Neico that the gang had obviously dipped into somehow. On the front of the building there was a freaking giant newt leaning against the 'O' at the end of Neico. Personally, Bridgit thought it was ridiculous. Who the hell gives an insurance company a weird amphibious, lizard thing as a mascot? They could have picked something better, like a gecko. Now geckos, they were amazing. Have you ever heard someone say 'I hate geckos'? Bridgit would bet that nobody had. She was at the point where she had begun to ramble inside her own head, trying to focus on a mundane and silly subject rather than think about what exactly she might have to do to prove her loyalty and capability. That look on Uriel's face was still unsettling her.

And so she found herself in the passenger seat of a silvery blue, cramped Gremlin, which while surprisingly clean. It was still going to make for an uncomfortable ride, a boring one, too, since Castiel apparently didn't listen to music and Bridgit was not going to ask him to turn on the radio. Partly because he didn't seem the type to do anything he didn't want and partly because that would mean having to talk to him. She really didn't want to do that. No, she would rather sit in the tense silence for however long this ride would last.

After what felt like forever, they pulled up in front of a dingy, brick apartment building with rusting fire escapes and crumbling walls. The windows were nasty and in need of a desperate cleaning. The walls were nearly black in some places from who knows what, and Bridgit really didn't want to know what the dark stains on the stoop were from.

Of course Castiel was the first to leave the car, followed quickly by Bridgit who was making sure to stay close behind him as he made his way up the steps and into the building. He didn't bother with the man sitting behind the desk, instead going straight up the stairs. Bridgit wondered if they were allowed to just wander in like that, but her worries were quickly stamped out when the man barely spared the time from his magazine to give them a bored glance.

They climbed four flights of stairs before Castiel left their current landing down a dark, disgusting hall with cracked marble floors that might have been pretty once upon a time, but were now beyond repair and covered with stains that she doubted any floor polisher could get out. The walls were a thin plaster, painted an off white with dirty smudges and in some places chunks had been removed in one way or another. The doors were flimsy wood, barely even doors really, with giant black numbers nailed to the fronts.

Bridgit nearly bumped into the man when he stopped in front of one of these doors, a giant 47 was on the front, and knocked. She was hoping that whoever they had come to see would open the door and quickly because this part of the hall had the acrid smell of old vomit mixed with the unmistakable stench of piss and beer. Someone really needed to call health services on this place, it was so unsanitary it couldn't be legal.

"Stay silent and do whatever I tell you." He spoke to her for the first time since they had been in that tiny room at the office.

A little nervous from first-time jitters, all Bridgit could do was nod and maintain enough decorum to keep herself from backing out of this whole situation. She had to remind herself that by putting herself through this she would be saving lives and in the long run protecting her sister. That's all that mattered.

Castiel, seemingly satisfied with her response, looked back towards the apartment door in expectation, knocking again when there wasn't an immediate response. This time he was louder and they could hear a distinctly loud bang from the other side of the door followed shortly by muffled cursing and heavy footsteps that made their way toward the couple.

The door opened a crack before getting slammed shut again, the jingling of a metal chain and the sliding of metal on metal could be heard before the door was opened all the way. A man stood before them with a serious need of a shave and bath, his clothes could probably use a wash, too. He had on striped gray boxers, a stained white shirt and a ratty, old green bathrobe that was more holes than fabric. At first he just stared back at them with his red, blood-shot eyes, obviously drunk, stoned or even both.

"What d'ya want?" The words came out in a jumbled mess sounding more like 'whddyawahn?' than anything in the actual English language. He was swaying on his feet and holding onto the door frame for some support of support to keep from keeling over, his dull, watery blue eyes almost seemed to see through Castiel before they focused in on Bridgit. The glazed look becoming a little more clear, "Well aren't you a pretty thing." His speech had become more intelligible, but not more welcoming, "How about you ditch the coat an' have a lil' fun with me?"

What Bridgit really wanted to tell him was to fuck off, but a warning glance from Castiel made her change her mind. She was told to stay silent and she would, even if she was extremely nauseated by the sleaze ball trying to get in her pants and resisting the urge to have at him. She wouldn't give the precious Angels any reason to cut her loose. This was too important and it was bigger than this man testing her limited patience.

"We have not come here for fun, we are here for the two thousand dollars you owe Michael. Plus interest." Castiel's rough, monotonous voice cut in, silencing the man before he could even try to speak up again. The words had an instantaneous affect, the man's already pale skin became even more so and Bridgit could practically see him sobering up in front of her eyes. At any other time, it would have been comical, but right now, it was just the start of a bad chain of events that would continue to get worse and make it glaringly obvious that she had gotten way in over her head.

"N-now just wait a moment." He had backed up, holding his hands before him in the universal sign of surrender, as if he wanted to stop them or push them away, "I'll get your money. I just need a little more time." It was almost like one of those cheesy crime movies you saw on daytime television, thugs visit some poor sap who borrowed money from a big bad head honcho. He's swamped in debt with no way to pay the thugs the money he owes their boss and promises he would have the money soon, that he just needs more time. Next thing you know… Yes. Bridgit could see where this was going and it took everything she had to stay composed. This man was most likely about to get very hurt, and while he was extremely creepy and repulsive she still couldn't find it in her to wish harm on him. Well. Maybe a little harm. She was human, after all.

Right on queue the man was shoved back into his apartment and practically thrown back onto a lumpy, black sofa by Castiel. Not exactly positive of what she was there for, or what to do, Bridgit entered behind them and closed the door, shutting the three of them into the foul apartment with the tiny click.

"You were given your time, now it's up. You do not have the money, but you still have your debt to pay." His voice remained completely emotionless, and that scared her more than it would have if he actually sounded angry or even happy. There was just nothing. To him it was just an everyday job that he had to do and he just didn't care about how he had to go about it. Orders were orders.

A fist connected with the man's face with a sickening crunch and blood began to pour out his nose, another fist hit him in the gut causing the guy to double over in pain, clutching at his stomach and wheezing. Over and over Bridgit watched as Castiel beat the shit out of stranger, she watched wide-eyed as blood began to pool out of his mouth and splatter onto his white tee. The guy had tried to fight back at first, but he was weak and still under the influence, his swings seemed to barely do any damage at all to Castiel's hard body. He just didn't stand a chance against the larger frame, stronger build and cold steely determination of the other man.

Finally, he was done and stepped back, breathing heavier than normal from the exertion he had used on the now broken, bleeding man splayed out on his back. It was then that Castiel seemed to remember Bridgit, or perhaps he had simply been ignoring her until she was needed, either way, he was now giving her his full attention as he slid a knife out of his coat's pocket.

She stared at the knife before reaching out a shaking hand to take it. Her eyes darted to look into his eyes with dawning horror. She couldn't hide emotions this strong and it was plainly written on her face. She wanted to know just what exactly she was supposed to do, but expected that it would be the last thing she wanted. Was she going to have to torture him? Or worse? Suddenly Uriel's face flashed through her mind's sight again, the fucking bastard, had he expected this? Reading the confusion on her face and ignoring everything else Castiel spoke.

"Kill him."

Those two words crashed through her mind with a flurry of panic and disbelief. They were only two words, but they would be enough to undo everything within moments. So they wanted her to be the one to kill this man, to stab him to death because he owed two thousand dollars? Was that what a life was worth now? Two fucking thousand dollars. She didn't even know the man's name, he was just the creepy robe guy that she had wanted to yell at for coming onto her, acting like he could get her after just meeting her. Uriel had said she was to collect a payment. Nothing was said about murdering the guy if he didn't have the money. Money, he probably knew the guy couldn't pay beforehand. But, if she admitted it to herself, deep down she knew it was going to come to this. She had just hoped she was being pessimistic, that this would just stop at the cheesy crime moment where they use a little violence, rough him up and scare him into paying. Not death. She couldn't do this. She had been naïve to think that she could do any of this, had she really expected that she could keep her hands clean of blood and still join?

"No." Her voice was shaky and she extended her hand, holding the knife in front of her, the handle pointed towards him. When she spoke again her voice was firmer, holding more conviction, "I can't."

He gazed at her, his big blue eyes studying her closely for longer than she would have liked, all the while he made no move to take the knife from her. As much as Bridgit tried she couldn't read his expression, all she could do was finally look away and study the bloodstains on his clothes, they almost looked like little flowers in the way that they soaked into the fabrics. The trench coat especially seemed to be covered with quite a few splatters of blood.

"Then leave, you are no longer needed." The way he said it made it clear that what he really meant was that she was no longer useful. He took back his knife from her before making his way back to the man, crouching before him.

"Leave?" She was incredulous, unable to accept that he had dismissed her. He was just going to abandon her here after making her do all this? Of course, it was no more than she had expected, but right now her mind wouldn't fully accept it yet. All this waiting, planning, hard work, and the fact that she had to watch him beat a man half to death was all for nothing?

"You were given an order, you did not obey. You no longer belong here so leave."

"Wait!" The word wrenched its way out of her mouth in desperation. Wait for what exactly? Was she really going to consider doing this? Bridgit took a deep breath. The man was going to die anyway, right? If she walked away now she would never be able to help as many people as she could with the opportunity she was wasting. And if she walked away the man would still die. A big but hung onto the end of that statement, because if she asked for that damn knife back, would he even give it to her? Could she risk not taking that chance, could she leave the apartment right now with a clear conscious or would she be haunted by the lives she could have saved if she had just asked. She had to do this, because she might just be able to make it into the Angels and stop this from happening to some other poor fool. "Give me the knife back."

Her voice was hard, she did not say please, she did not beg him for another chance, but she did ask with a cold assurance that he would give it to her because she had to believe he would. He stood up from his crouch and made his way back to her, handing her the knife that had so recently passed hands. She was gripping the wooden handle tightly, setting her face into a mask of false bravado and self-assurance at the decision she had made for herself. Slowly she made her way to the man, putting one foot in front of the other as carefully as possible because she was afraid that the pressure of the situation would cause her to fall to the floor at any moment. It wasn't until the tips of her sneakers were almost touching him that she finally knelt on the floor, her hand shaking against her will, it just wouldn't still no matter how much her brain commanded it to. Metal rested against his neck before she closed her eyes, drawing the blade down and across his throat in one swift movement.

It's scary, when you think about it, how easy it is to kill someone. The unconscious man's throat began gushing blood, some of it getting on Bridgit's hand before she could remove it from his person. It had been like slicing through butter with a butter knife. It shouldn't have been that easy. She shouldn't still look the same after committing such a monstrous act but she knew she would, maybe a little more haunted, but still Bridgit Heather Bishop with her light bronze skin, dark brown hair, and brown eyes.

And there crouched in a growing pool of blood Bridgit silently mourned for the person she had once been. She mourned the loss of her sister because she knew in that moment that there was no way she could face her and go back to her old life after this. She mourned for the man she had killed, a man she didn't even like, one she couldn't even put a name to. It didn't matter that he had been a disgusting, drunk pig most likely addicted to drugs. It didn't matter that he had made bad choices, because he was still a person and she had killed him.

"Come." She didn't know how long she had been kneeling there, or how long he had been watching her, but Bridgit could have sworn when she looked up there was a look on his face that wasn't irritation, annoyance, or impatience. She could have sworn she saw a flash, if just for a second, of understanding and perhaps sympathy, but it was gone so fast she couldn't be sure if it had really been there. Still, though, he reached out and offered her a hand and she took it, allowing him to help her up.

They weren't friends. Hell, they were barely companions. Castiel and Bridgit were just two people who were stuck together for one measly assignment. Most of all, though, they were two people with blood on their hands that needed to clean up their mess and get the hell out of there.

Grabbing a few wet wipes from another one of his pockets, Castiel left her and began to wipe down everywhere they had touched something, or might have left fingerprints. When done, they both left, heading back to his car. This time, the doorman had paid them no attention at all leaving them free to leave with nobody stopping them, which was a good thing considering they were both covered in blood. She didn't think even that guy would let them just leave without calling the cops right after if he had seen them.

The ride back to the office was painfully quiet for Bridgit, she wanted to ask if she would make it in. She needed to know that what she did was worth it, but she refused to give in and ask. She just couldn't bring herself to do it. She was terrified that her first act of disobedience inside of that filthy apartment would be her last even though she had gone through with the order in the end. So, she remained quiet. Most likely, Uriel was going to want to meet up with her again anyway, whether or not she was in, just to gloat and rub it in her face if nothing else. Oh, joy.

When Castiel dropped her off in the Neico parking lot he left her with three words of parting that hit her to her core.

It gets easier.

Bridgit didn't want it to get easier. She didn't want killing to become second nature, just a job she could do without emotions getting in the way. She made way to her own vehicle and sat in the driver's seat, just staring out in front of her. Her eyes were burning from tears she couldn't allow herself to let loose, with pain and anger that she just couldn't let go. Not yet. There would be time for crying when she was through, for now though she had to keep going. When she finally put her keys in the ignition and started her car she didn't head for the small two bedroom house she shared with her sister. Matter of fact, Bridgit wouldn't see her home or her sister again for a very long time.