A/N: Hey everybody! This is my late Christmas present to Evan, as well as all of you. :/ Sorry it's late. Christmas interrupted my sleep cycle which screwed up all of my plans. Bad excuse, I know. Anyway, it's here now! I've done some things a little differently, but all in all, I hope you guys like it.

-J

"What a shame we all became such fragile broken things. A memory remains, just a tiny spark. I give it all my oxygen so let the flames begin… I can't let myself regret such selfishness."

-Paramore, Let the Flames Begin

Because I was weak, the lives of all the people I cared about were completely upside down. Because I was weak, they were forced to babysit me, protect me, restrain me if necessary. It wasn't fair, and I never would have asked them to do it, but there they were, taking it all in turns, and Sirius most of all.

I suspect he felt a little guilty, a bit responsible, but in a way, he was. The best part of my needing to be coddled was that Sirius, whatever he had been doing before, had no time to be unfaithful. Instead, he was treating me like someone who belonged in a permanent residency at St. Mungo's for mental disorder.

At least I had his attention.

They all dealt with me in different ways, particularly in the library, because it was, after all, N.E.W.T. year, despite my mental weakness. This is how things had gone with a handful of my babysitters:

Marlene: "And those shoes. Oh, Ali, you should have seen those shoes. She was really asking for it."

Me: "But honestly, Avery Riggs is fifteen. I don't get why you insist on seeing her as a threat."

Marlene: "Because she is taunting me! Every time Brandon McPherson is around, she gets that knowing smirk–"

Me: "She's a Ravenclaw. She was born with a knowing smirk."

Marlene: "True."

Me: "Besides, you don't want to marry McPherson, anyway. You wouldn't get to change your initials."

Marlene: "But 'Marlene McPherson' sounds so good!"

Me: "Because it sounds almost exactly like 'Marlene McKinnon'!"

Marlene: "True."

Later…

James: "… so I think I've made a lot of progress, all things considered."

Me: "Does Lily know this?"

James: "What?"

Me: "That you've made progress."

James: "Obviously. Jeez, Marren, keep up."

Me: "Whatever. Explain human transfiguration again. I'm three inches short."

James: "Why don't you ask Sirius?"

Me: "Does it look like Sirius is sitting here? No, you are, so if you're not going to help, James, do you think you could shut your fat mouth so I can actually read the book?"

James: "Fine… You know, I'm only here for Lily-bean."

Me: "I'm well aware. I hadn't thought that had changed since you last pointed it out, which was about fifteen minutes ago."

James: "Right, well… Oh, fine, hand me the damn essay, Marren. I've got things I'd rather be doing."

Me: "Oh, I never would have guessed."

James: "Watch the tongue, Marren. For your information, I've got a lovely sort of surprise planned. I expect you'll be hearing about how wonderful it is later."

Me: "I'm sure."

Later…

Lily: "It was absolutely wonderful."

Me: "You don't say."

Lily: "I mean, the level of Charmwork required for that sort of thing… I mean, we knew Potter was bright–"

Me: "He wouldn't let us not."

Lily: "But I'd never realized… I mean, he's just… I mean…"

Me: "You're redder than a tomato, Lily. I know you're nuts for the boy. You don't have to be so ashamed about it. He was bound to break through your stubborn shell sooner or later."

Lily: "I said I'd be his girl. I must be crazy."

Me: "You're not crazy. You're smitten. Even the best of us do some pretty stupid shit when smitten, and I doubt anything that goes on between you and James could top some of the things I've done lately."

What really took the cake, though, was the night Sirius had to work on homework and designated Remus as babysitter. There were a lot of long, awkward silences at first.

"Grace seemed sad today," I pointed out.

"I suppose," Remus conceded. His eyes, his sad eyes, looked at me over an Herbology text and my heart clenched guiltily. "Why did you do it?" he whispered. "Why did you even start?"

Why indeed? It had seemed like such a sensible thing to do at the time, to calm myself so that I didn't do anything stupid. As it were, the Calming Draughts were something stupid.

I had avoided thinking about it. I had avoided considering my actions at all. My friends had facilitated this behavior, regaling me with their lives and drama, not bringing up the elephant in the room. Remus didn't seem to be okay with continuing that pattern.

Then again, I had the distinct and inexplicable notion that we had two elephants in the room, and he was simply pointing out the more obvious, the less complex of the two.

"I never meant for any of this," I whispered. "It was just so hard, so much stress all of the time. My anxiety, it was bordering paranoia. I just thought if I could calm myself, take it for a while until my life found rhythm again, everything would be fine."

Remus sighed.

"You should have talked to someone, to Sirius or Lily or Marlene or… or me."

I shook my head and said, "I didn't want to. I still don't. It's my life and I don't' need or want anyone poking around in my business. But… but things got even more out of hand only… only I didn't realize."

He set down the book, nodded slowly and whispered, "Tell me."

I didn't want to tell him. It was my life. I needed my own life, my own secrets. But at the same time, when he grasped my hand, I was dying to tell him absolutely everything. I hadn't realized until then how badly I needed to talk about things.

"Mostly, I was numb," I croaked, "and it was one of the most beautiful feelings I'd ever had in my life. It was able to say things I had always been too timid to say. My fears and anxiety, they just vanished. The numb was good, so good, Remus." I sighed deeply. "Sometimes, though, feelings would be strong enough to break through the numb. I didn't like that. Disturbing the numb was bad."

"What sort of feelings?" he pressed.

I frowned, thinking back.

"Like… like… like socks." I gasped dramatically. "The socks, they were your fault! It was all your fault, Remus!"

He raised an eyebrow questioningly and said, "The… I'm sorry, the socks?"

"You should be sorry," I hissed. "I mean, you did start leaving me alone after a while, but the socks didn't go away! They… th…"

I began to sob. Why? I'm not really sure, but I suddenly felt so incredibly overwhelmed…

It took me a moment to realize that Remus had moved. He was holding me, cradling me gently in his arms, his warm, familiar scent washing over me. I felt foolish, in that moment, blaming him for anything. Remus Lupin was the last person on the planet who would ever do a thing to harm me. He had helped me, protected me when everyone else who could have chose instead to turn their backs.

The running from my pain, the hiding from my fears, none of it made anything better. The pushing Remus away, the attempts to take care of myself… They had made everything so much worse. There had to be some way… some way to fix things, make it all right again.

"I'm so sorry," I choked out. "I'm so, so sorry…"

"No," he breathed into my ear as he smoothed my hair. "It's not your fault, Ali. We failed you… all of us. But we're going to make it all better now, okay? We're all going to work together and you're going to be okay again. You'll see."

His breath smelled like chocolate. His breath usually smelt of chocolate, warm and inviting, just like that parchment scent of him that had a calming, almost numbing effect on me. When was the last time I had felt so safe, so peaceful? I couldn't remember. The strangest bit of all was I found myself wondering what his breath tasted like, wondering what his fingers would feel liked tangled up in my hair instead of smoothing it the way they were doing. I couldn't remember ever feeling this way, thinking these things before about someone else, and it both thrilled and terrified me.

"It's nearly curfew," he said softly, and I suppressed a shudder at his voice.

"Lily and I have patrol tonight," I said.

"I'll take it."

"No, you've done so much already."

"Nonsense, Ali," he insisted. "You girls cover when I'm sick or gone all the time. It's time I returned the favor." He squeezed me gently and said, "C'mon. I'll walk you back to your common room."

"No," I said suddenly. I had been avoiding my dormitory since the conflict I'd seen and I wasn't ready to go back yet. "Can you take me to Gryffindor Tower? I'd like to stay with Marlene tonight."

His expression was curious and questioning, but he didn't ask. He simply nodded, gathered up all of our things, and flung both bags over his shoulder, ignoring my protests that I could carry my own bag.

Silly Gryffindor chivalry.

As we walked, something nagged at me. I'm not sure where it came from or why it bothered me so much, but halfway to the tower, I asked, "Do you love Grace?"

He didn't answer for a moment, and I started to think he wouldn't. After all, it was absolutely none of my business what went on between Grace and Remus, but for some reason I couldn't stop myself.

Finally, he said, "I care about her very much. We haven't really been together long enough to say. I think… I think it would be easy to love Grace, but that doesn't mean I will. She…" He sighed. "She expects the moon, and I can't give it to her, for a number of reasons." He gave a bitter sort of laugh that sounded foreign coming from him, but after several moments of nothing but our footsteps he said, "And you? Do you love Sirius?"

I should have expected the question, but somehow it caught me off guard. For a moment, I nearly said yes out of habit, but things had become so complicated in my life.

Firstly, there was Cherry. As much as I didn't want to believe that I was being cheated on, I certainly couldn't prove otherwise, so until Cherry had conclusive answers for me, I couldn't rule out the thought.

Was it possible to love someone I honestly couldn't be sure of?

And then there was our relationship. Sirius was a perfectly nice boy, mostly, and when he kissed me… well, let's just say his incredible reputation did him justice. But he pushed and prodded and it was so hard to know when he was going to be sweet as pie about my refusal and when he would get frustrated and moody.

Should I love someone I couldn't predict, couldn't expect?

"I-I'm not sure," I said finally. "I thought I did, but I… Well, this whole ordeal has sort of put things in perspective, I guess, made me think about my life again. I guess I'll have to reevaluate."

"Venomous Tentacula," Remus said, and the portrait guarding Gryffindor Tower swung open, giving us entrance. "There's Lily," he said vaguely, pointing toward the fireplace. "I'll go get her and start on patrolling. I'll see you tomorrow, Ali. Sweet dreams."

He handed me my bag and I made my way upstairs to the seventh year girls' dormitory, where Marlene was scribbling merrily away on a roll of parchment.

"Hey," I said tentatively. "Mind if I set up here for the night?"

Marlene frowned.

"It's a week night."

"I know."

"We've got class tomorrow."

"Yes, we do."

"Why are you here on a week night?"

I didn't want to tell her the truth of the matter, but the idea of lying to Marlene felt very uncomfortable in that moment.

"I missed you," I said, which wasn't altogether false. "I feel like the only time we get to talk anymore, you're babysitting me. I wanted to have a bit of a girls' night, just you and me… and Lily, when she gets back. Is that all right?"

Marlene beamed and rolled up her parchment.

"Absolutely!" she squealed. "Come on, let's set up a bed for you between Lily and me!"

With a stack full of blankets and a careful bit of transfiguration (a magazine into a mattress), we had a makeshift bed set up and ready for the night.

"Have you pursued Brandon McPherson at all?" I asked, settling into my blankets.

"No," Marlene said honestly. "I've given him up as a bad job. I've got my eye on Benjy Fenwick…"

"His best friend?" I chuckled. "Oh, Marlene, wonders never cease!"

"Well, he's far more talented," she reasoned. "He's going to make something out of himself, and I don't want anything less from my man!"

"What do your odds look like?" I asked, casually picking at the shoelace of Lily's trainer.

Marlene babbled on for quite some time about Benjy Fenwick and how promising and clever he was until Lily finally returned from patrol and joined in the conversation.

"Oh, Marlene," Lily sighed, "when was the last time you even had a boyfriend? You're always picking the unattainable."

"Says the girl who's barely ever gone on a date because every eligible male in school lived in fear of her stalker castrating them," Marlene scoffed.

I smiled in spite of myself as Lily blushed. James really had tried just about everything under the sun to win her over, and I suppose it paid off, in the end. And then it occurred to me.

"How do you think you know you're in love?" I asked, more to the ceiling than to either of my companions, but they recognized the open nature of the question.

"I think," Lily said after a moment, "love is feeling safe and wanted and cared for, and at the same time feeling a passionate chemistry. I think you'll just know, maybe not right off, but when the time is right. At least, that's what my mum told me."

"Well," Marlene said dramatically, "I'm not sure I know how to tell when it is, but I'm sure I'll be able to tell when it's not."

"What do you mean?" I asked, sitting up a little.

She ticked off on her fingers.

"You don't think he's even a little bit cute, he's not the one. You go on a date and you can't talk about anything but school, he's not the one. He's a Slytherin, he's not the one. His career goals don't lead to a steady, sizable income, or he doesn't have a sizable inheritance, he's not the one. He doesn't tell you you're beautiful at least twice a week, he's not the one. And if you're name doesn't sound good with his surname, he's definitely not the one."

We laughed, but we all recognized the truth in Marlene's words, and had all used one or more of those excuses not to date someone in the past.

Sirius was obviously more than attractive. Dates were a bit lacking in conversation, but I had always blamed the others with us or myself for that. I'd never been very good at conversation, and I never really had been able to calm my nerves enough to properly converse with Sirius. Thankfully, Sirius was the anti-Slytherin, so no worries there. He had inherited a reasonable amount of gold from his uncle, but nowhere near what his original worth would have been. Still, the more I thought about the money the more I realized I had never cared about gold, certainly not like Marlene did. What would I spend it on, anyway? My career would pay plenty for the both of us.

When was the last time Sirius had called me beautiful? I couldn't actually recall, and it certainly wasn't an adjective I was hearing twice a week, if ever.

Alison Black…

Not bad.

Ali Black…

Not nearly as good.

I laid back in my blankets, turning over the whole situation in my mind. I certainly had yet to feel with Sirius any of the things Lily described. Safety, wanted, cared for… perhaps in a way, but never the complete sense of it that I associated with the idea of love. Sirius was perfectly wonderful, and he certainly had a way of making me go weak in the knees, but was that really chemistry? After all, Sirius Black made every girl weak in the knees, even Lily, and some of the blokes.

And wasn't love a two-way street? Did I make him feel any of those things? I certainly had always tried to, always attempted to care for him, to convey that I wanted to be with him. Did he feel anything akin to chemistry with me?

There was a part of Sirius I knew, no matter how hard I tried, that I would never understand. We just didn't sit and talk about our home lives, but I knew as well as anyone else that he had run away from home, which isn't something that happens when you're happy with your situation. I, on the other hand, had perfectly normal, loving parents and a typical home life. The idea of running away seemed absurd to me. I could try to understand all I wanted, but I knew I would never be in a place to truly grasp the situation he had been in. It was even more difficult when I was so tired, and my thoughts so heavy.

Ali Lupin sounded rather nice, was my last thought as I slipped into the world of blissful dreaming.