A/N: Just for the heads up, odd numbered chapters may have a bit of a wait from now on. I go back to school on Tuesday, can't promise how prompt anything will be. School comes first. :/ Gosh, those words are painful! Still we've got the next half dozen or so chapters mapped out, so that's helpful. HOPEFULLY, it won't take too long! Thanks for your understanding!
-J
"What I was so afraid of turned out to be my freedom in disguise. Now I know what I'm made of. Guess it just took some time to realize. I was blind, I couldn't tell, put too much faith in someone else, gave up on myself."
-Reba McEntire, How Was I To Know
It didn't take long after my assaulting James in the middle of the Great Hall for Lily and Marlene to hear about it and drag me up to their dormitory to discuss recent events. As much as I didn't feel like talking, I had come to the conclusion that the more willing I was to talk things through now, the sooner it would all be over.
"So, what actually has been going on in the last twenty-four hours?" Marlene questioned delicately. "I mean, we've heard a lot of rumors, but what's the truth of it all?"
So I explained to them my actions, including the entire history of my alliance with Cherry, which Lily was disapproving of and Marlene seemed a bit sheepish about once she recognized the plan as her own brainchild. They were furious about Sirius's behavior, and I wish I could have softened that blow by explaining my suspicions about his feelings toward Cherry, but it didn't feel right, somehow, telling that to anyone but Remus. I did tell them about Remus, however, which surprised them and lifted their moods considerably before I got to the tidbit about James.
"He did what?" Lily shrieked, and she was red with fury, clashing horribly with her own hair. I thought she might combust.
"Yeah," I muttered. "It was all about you, all the time. I honestly don't know why we're even surprised about any of this anymore. I mean, he was actually stalking you for a bit, there."
Watching lily rant and rave about what she was going to do to the pair of them when she got her hands on them was entertaining, but honestly a bit terrifying.
"Clark's not off the hook either!" Lily hissed. "What sort of person agrees to do something like that?"
"If she hadn't," Marlene reasoned, "Ali would probably still be with Sirius for the sake of James's obsession with you, constantly being cheated on. Is that what you want?"
"Of course not!" Lily cried, frustrated. "No, but first things, first. I need to deal with those boys!"
A thought occurred to me, so obvious that I wondered for a moment why it was only just occurring to me. With a small, nervous nibble of my lip, I turned to Lily and asked, "Are you going to break up with James now?"
She blinked.
Marlene blinked.
I blinked, for good measure.
"W-well… Well I…" she stuttered, clearly flustered. I saw the thought hadn't occurred to her, either. "I suppose I really ought to…"
"But?" Marlene prompted.
Lily frowned down at the charm bracelet James had gotten her on their first date. It was a very pretty thing, it suited her perfectly, and Lily wore it everywhere. She had become attached to James, certainly. Anyone with eyes could tell that she was increasingly fond of him. It was possible, I realized in that moment, that she had fallen for him. Had the knowledge of how he'd treated me changed that? Should it?
"He loves you," I said softly. "He absolutely adores you. But I expect you knew that. I think he'd do anything for you, at this point."
"I know," Lily sighed.
"I'm not going to ask you to leave him," I assured her. "And I couldn't expect you to."
"What sort of friend would I be if didn't?" she whispered, tears welling up in her big green eyes.
"You're human, Lily," Marlene pointed out. "You can't do the perfect thing all the time, and nobody expects you to. If Ali's fine with it, what does anything else matter?"
Lily bit her lip, contemplating the situation guiltily, but it may as well have been for show because Marlene and I knew exactly what she was going to say.
"All right," she sighed, "but I should at least hex him to assuage my guilt, yes?"
"By all means!" I said with a grin, and the three of us found ourselves in the Marauders' dormitory, led by a raging Lily.
I had to admit, some of Cherry's nicknames for Lily made quite a bit of sense…
"Lily!" James cried nervously, but I paid little attention to their fight, although I could tell that it was quite an epic battle; James surprised us all by fighting back when hexes started flying.
No, what caught my eye was the sullen, unresponsive, practically catatonic form of Sirius Black, sprawled out on his bed, staring out a nearby window, seemingly unaware of the impending doom of his best mate. He seemed… smaller, somehow, than he ever had, even smaller than when I held him in my arms as he cried. There was no doubt in my mind after seeing the state he was in: only love could so completely debilitate someone so incredibly near to being invincible, at least in matters of the heart.
"And you!" Lily shrieked, finally turning her attention to Sirius after reducing James to a shaking, whimpering mass in the corner. Marlene was watching in horror. "This is all your fault you lying, cheating, heartless piece of shit!"
Each word of insult was punctuated by Lily stabbing her wand very roughly at Sirius's ribs. But he didn't move. He didn't argue. He didn't even flinch. Lily faltered for a moment, but her anger quickly restored the raging persona of fury she had been channeling and she sent a few Stinging Hexes at him, probably as a warm-up. But aside from a small start at each spell and the obvious swelling, Sirius gave no indication that he was even aware of our presence.
Lily took a step back, eyes wide with shock, and she and Marlene both looked at me fearfully, expectantly. But what was I supposed to do?
I sat down on the side of the bed, taking his hand in both of mine and caressing it gently.
"Sirius?" I said softly. "Are you all right?"
He didn't respond, but his hand managed to grasp a couple of my fingers and grip them tightly. I was instantly reminded of a small child, unable to effectively communicate, but grabbing people's fingers like they were a bloody key to life.
"What's wrong with him?" Marlene asked breathlessly. I frowned.
"He can still hear you, Marlene, even if he's currently incapable of speech. Sirius? Sirius, it's me, Ali. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
Suddenly, he was sitting bolt upright, looking me in the eye wildly, gripping my hands in both of his. The transition was so sudden that Lily actually screamed.
"I need to talk to you," he croaked, his voice obviously out of use for some time. "I need to explain. No one else could understand… only you. I need to tell you, alone."
I blinked. What in the name of Merlin was he on about? Lily and Marlene recognized the need for privacy, however, and promptly excused themselves.
"Ali," he moaned. "Ali, you have every right to hate me–"
"I don't hate you," I insisted.
"You should," he sighed. "Anyway, I need to tell you something because I need to tell somebody and nobody else will understand."
I nodded, taking his hand and giving it a comforting squeeze.
"I – I think I'm in love," he whispered, "with Cherry."
In a way, it was almost a relief to hear him say it out loud. I'm not sure if it made me feel better about myself or him or the whole situation, but there was certainly a sensation of a weight being lifted from my chest.
"I thought so," I said soothingly. "What are you going to do?"
"I don't know," he sniffed. "She must hate me. I mean, she knows what I did to you… Well, everyone knows what I did to you, but she knows. And she only pretended to be interested because of you, and she probably thinks I was just treating her like everyone else, but I wasn't. I've never felt this way but I don't know what to do! I don't know what I could have done, Ali. It's a bit mess, isn't it?"
I nodded. A mess it was, that was certain. But if Sirius was really in love with her… surely there was something we could do? It couldn't have been my imagination that Cherry was out of sorts when everything went down. I mean, I suppose I could have imagined it, yes, but he was clearly an absolute mess. It was worth a try, anyway.
"Did you know Remus liked me?" I asked, still holding Sirius's hand. He shook his head. "Apparently, he wanted me for quite some time, and nobody ever knew, even his best friends. He's very guarded with his emotions, but you knew that."
"Do you like him?" he croaked, looking up at me like a sick, scared child who's just been given a distraction.
"Yes," I admitted. What was the point of keeping secrets from Sirius? It had never led to anything productive. "I think I love him."
"That's good," he said, with a smile that looked a fair amount like a grimace. "You two are good for each other. I hope he makes you happier than I ever could."
I smiled sadly, wondering what Sirius regretted more, agreeing to date me in the first place or treating me so badly when we were together. But it really didn't matter. It felt too much like trying to place blame.
"The point is," I sighed, "that Cherry is actually a lot like Remus that way, guarded with her emotions. There's a chance she has feelings for you, too. Isn't it better to try and fail than to lock yourself away, not knowing, staring at the ceiling and breathing in the stench of Peter's dirty socks?"
Sirius frowned.
"That smells too good to be the socks…"
Ew.
"You're changing the subject, Sirius. You're going to drive yourself mad, going on like this. You can't keep on this way. Please, promise me you'll make an effort, rejoin the real world?"
He gave me another strained smile, wrapped me up in a weak but heartfelt hug and whispered, "I promise."
We talked for hours, just the two of us. He told me how he had come to fall for Cherry, and it was sort of nice to hear it from him, how things had happened. In turn, he wanted to hear all about Remus and me, and somehow we ended up laying side-by-side in his bed, my head resting on his arm. It was comfortable, more so than any of our time together.
"You know," he sighed at one point, "we could have been really good friends. I think we should have been."
"We still could be," I mumbled, cuddling into his side. "In a way, I think this brought us closer than we would have been without the whole big mess. I'd like to be friends, if we can."
"Me too," he said softly, playing with my hair. "You know, they're going to ask questions. I mean, at the very least, you ought to hate me."
"Forget about that," I mumbled tiredly. "I'm in the process of overcoming an addiction and falling in love. I don't have the time or energy to be mad at you."
He smiled down at me the first real smile I'd seen on his face that day.
"Falling in love?" he said happily, as if he'd only just realized that I had said such a thing, although I had said something similar hours earlier. "You're falling in love with Remus?" I nodded. "Well that's good. At least one of us is happy. At least the one who deserves to be happy is happy…"
"You deserve to be happy, too!" I insisted, sitting up a little out of indignation. Sirius snorted.
"You know," he sighed, "James spouted those same words at me the other day, but he didn't really mean them like that. I suppose you've learned that he wants us back together?"
"Yes," I snarled, "for the sake of saving his own worthless, miserable hide."
Sirius nodded and said, "Yeah, I wish he'd get off my back about things. The way he talks, Cherry's the root of all evil. He's got his head so far up Evans's ass–"
"I get the picture, thanks," I sniffed.
He was right, of course. It was all a part of some grand ploy to maintain Lily's affections. The problem was, I was sure they would be good for each other, but I didn't appreciate being used like a disposable object on James's way to bliss. Sirius seemed to agree with that sentiment.
"What we need to do," Sirius said, "is get revenge."
It was so true, so obvious, that I wondered why the thought had never properly occurred to me before.
Planning revenge with a Marauder, I learned, was serious business. For the next three hours, Sirius and I discussed numerous possibilities, stitched together a rough plan, fine-tuned the final decisions until we felt it was absolutely fool-proof, and raided Remus's chocolate stash in the name of dinner.
Remus came into the room a bit later, tentative, and seemed unsure of whether to feel concerned or relieved at the sight of us giggling maniacally together on Sirius's bed. In hindsight, I'm sure that was remarkably suspicious.
"Moony!" Sirius cried in jubilant greeting. "This girl is a spectacular criminal mastermind! I should have known, after the one she and Cherry pulled on me!"
"Remus!" I said happily, leaping off Sirius's bed and nearly attacking Remus with an exuberant hug. "We've just done something wonderful, love, would you like to guess?"
Remus raised his eyebrows as he sat down on his own bed with me settling on his lap.
"I haven't got a clue, love," he said softly, a stifled amusement in his voice.
"We're getting revenge on Prongs!" Sirius hissed. "Wanna help?"
Remus was clearly hesitant, so we explained to him our elaborate plans and incredible schemes. Remus listened with an impassive expression very typical to his face, although when I kissed his cheek impulsively partway through the explanation his face flushed with pride. That was one of my favorite things about Remus: He didn't act entitled to me, as Sirius had, but as though it was an honor to have me. He made me feel incredibly special.
"Well," he finally sighed, "I'm afraid I won't be participating in this childish yet highly amusing revenge campaign. However, you have my absolute blessing and support in the whole endeavor. I suspect Lily would help, though. I spoke with her earlier. She was fuming. I expect handing her James's head on a platter wouldn't be overkill in her eyes at the moment."
Sirius and I exchanged a look, both clearly considering the possibilities of this suggestion. Remus sighed.
"No," he said firmly. "I draw the line at anything that separates his head from his body, whether or not it is reversible."
Sirius pouted a bit at this restriction, but we both agreed that it wasn't worth Azkaban for James.
We said our good nights, Sirius turned his head thoughtfully as I gave Remus a (head-spinning) good-night kiss, and I made my way back to Lily and Marlene's dormitory. I wasn't ready to face my own dormitory yet. The room was silent with sleep by the time I got there, and I quietly made myself a reasonably comfortable space on the floor. Lily could be briefed on the revenge plot in the morning.
I reflected on my afternoon as I laid awake, staring at the ceiling. Before I even knew the truth of anything, I had thought losing Sirius would be the end of me, of my self-esteem, of any confidence I had. I had thought that if the worst were true, I would be the one lying catatonic somewhere.
But somehow, whether it was Cherry or Remus or something in my or some combination of it all, I think knowing the truth actually helped me find my strength, my self-esteem. I wasn't just getting by; I was happy, happier than I'd been in my whole time with Sirius.
I wondered if Remus could be the key to my happiness. It felt like a sappy, romantic thing that Marlene would quote knowingly from some book or magazine that only she had the patience to read. There was certainly a lovely ring to the thought.
Not having, Remus would be sad, yes. But I realized that I would be okay. I would always have Marlene and Lily. I would still be me without Remus. I had to choose to be happy, not rely on someone else to make me happy, and that revelation was monumental. I felt as though a veil had been lifted from my eyes.
The biggest difference between myself and Cherry, I found, wasn't anything about who we were, where we were from, or even the circumstances handed to us. I could have easily been her, and she me. The biggest difference was our choices.
Choice was a powerful thing, I thought as I drifted off to sleep, and I'd made up my mind. Remus and I were going to be together. I had figured myself out that night, lying on the floor of someone else's dormitory, staring at a darkened ceiling and drifting into the world of dreamless sleep. I was ready to be in love.