A/N: I'M SO SORRY! I PROSTRATE MYSELF BEFORE YOU ALL! Life sucks. Being a college student sucks. But no excuses. I'll do better next time. This was a difficult chapter for me to write, and I'm not particularly happy w/ it, but I hope you can all forgive me. :'( As far as the chapter, it's dedicated to xyellowconverse (shocking), who has made all my dreams come true in her latest chapter of Best Accident Ever. If you've not read it, PLEASE DO, it's amazing! :D

-J

"Where's your gavel? Your jury? What's my offense this time? You're not a judge…. When you swear it's all my fault 'cause you know we're not the same… Ignorance is your new best friend…. This is the best thing that could have happened. Any longer and I wouldn't have made it…. The same tricks that, that once fooled me, they won't get you anywhere. I'm not the same kid from your memory. Well, now I can fend for myself… We used to stick together. We wrote our names in blood, but I guess you can't accept that the change is good…" – Paramore, Ignorance

Revenge on James was, apparently, a desirable and popular goal. Lily jumped on the bandwagon quickly when we presented our plans to her and even agreed to leave Cherry alone at my request, although she was certainly less happy about that part.

After several days of careful planning, it was the big day. Phases one and two both began at breakfast.

You know, you can tell Sirius whatever you'd like to get him to do homework and he'll never crack a book, but make it a pranking occasion and you can't peel him away until he's found what he was looking for. In fact, I never even had to come up with any spells, as Sirius was so keen about it.

"Moony doesn't help with prank research," Sirius explained. "Don't tell anybody this, but this is the one time I like the library."

Of course, he never went during the day. He snuck in after hours. He did have a reputation to maintain, after all.

Speaking of reputations, Lily flat-out refused to use any magic against James. Of course, we didn't need her to and hadn't expected it of her, but she made a point of informing us of this for about ten minutes, regardless. Sirius had looked about ready to tell her we weren't asking, but I kicked him solidly in the shins. Telling Lily she wasn't wanted for something was a surefire way to make her rip the reigns right out of your hands and prove her capability and importance.

Sometimes, it was still best to keep my mouth shut, I had learned, and thankfully Sirius took the hint.

At any rate, Lily had her minimal, yet important, role and Sirius and I were primed and ready for battle, with Remus's promise to stay out of the way.

What I hadn't counted on was… what's his name?... Riley something… I think…

Anyway, he cornered me on my way to breakfast for the beginning of phases one and two and yanked me unceremoniously into an empty classroom. I blinked up at him, both shocked and confused. After all, I didn't even know the guy.

"Um, can I help you?" I muttered, eyebrows raised as he looked at me, on the verge of what I'd call manic.

"Cherry's avoiding me," he snapped.

Right. I was still unsure of where this was going.

"I'm… I'm sorry? I guess," I sighed.

"Why is she avoiding me?"

I frowned and said, "Isn't that, maybe, more of a question for her?"

"She's avoiding me!" he cried frantically, running his fingers through his hair like James did around Lily. Then it dawned on me: He was falling for Cherry.

The situations I find myself in, I swear.

But honestly, that girl gets everything and she doesn't even have to try. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't jealous. Remus and I were incredibly happy. But I guess I was more impressed by her awesome powers. And in a way, I felt a bit sorry for her, because she didn't seem to be coping very well at the moment. The Cherry that I had to rescue from my rampaging friends wasn't the badass, confident girl I had first approached fearfully for aid.

Most importantly, if she was hiding, something was very wrong. Cherry didn't run and hide. She faced her problems and threw her skirt at them. Was she in love with Sirius? I certainly hoped so, because that was something I could do something about, once James was dealt with.

Of course, it wouldn't be good for the distraught bloke I was currently dealing with, but not everyone could win. And if Cherry was avoiding him, he ought to have taken the hint.

I made my way to the Great Hall. I ran into Sirius in the entrance hall, and he exchanged a glare with the guy who had just asked me about Cherry, growling at me, "What were you doing with that creep, Ali?"

"He wanted to talk to me about Cherry," I said casually as possible, sensing the tension in the air. "Apparently, she's avoiding him, or he thinks she is."

I wasn't too surprised when a lesser version of Sirius's infamous smirk played at his lips and he muttered, "Avoid him, is she?"

"That's how it seems," I sighed, amused, "but one thing at a time. James first, all right?"

He seemed reminded of our plot and nodded, following me into the Great Hall, settling down at the Gryffindor table beside Remus, who appeared to know nothing of what was about to happen. He had such good acting skills.

"Morning," he said nonchalantly, kissing me gently on the cheek. "Sleep well?"

Actually, the nerves and excitement for the next day had kept me from sleeping at all, but Remus would have worried unnecessarily had I told him that, so I just said, "Absolutely. And you?"

"Well enough," he muttered, raising an eyebrow at my perky, enthusiastic attitude, probably hinting that I ought to tone down my excitement.

James came into the Great Hall, closely tailed by Peter, who seemed much more concerned and confused by the fact that the boys were no longer all attached at the hip than even James was.

Poor Peter. All of the drama and in-fighting was probably doing a number on his sensitive little soul. The Marauders were everything to him. I wondered what would become of him if something more permanently damaging to the group dynamic did occur.

But that thought was a digression, and I could not afford digressions on this important day. James and Peter joined us, settling themselves at the table, and that cloud of awkwardness that had become typical when Sirius, James, and I were all together had descended over the group.

"So," I said, attempting to dissipate the awkwardness, "how did everyone sleep last night?"

I swear the boys all blinked at me as a collective unit. It was nice to see that they still had their Marauder oneness on some things.

We were all saved from the awkward moment by the incoming of the morning post. Quickly, silently, and under the table, I performed the spell Sirius had found for me on about half a dozen owls, and Sirius turned his wand on James's food and drink while there was a distraction. It went over perfectly.

James, assuming after several moments that he wasn't getting mail that day, turned back to his food and lifted his fork to his face, shoveling a heap of scrambled eggs into his mouth. Almost as soon as he put it in his mouth, he spit it back onto his plate, a look of disgust on his face.

"James, that's gross," Remus said frankly, his face scrunched unpleasantly as he looked down at the offending eggs.

"Did I put salt on those?" James asked frantically. We all shook our heads. "Did one of you put salt on them?" We shook our heads. "Are any of your eggs salty?" We all tasted our own and shook our heads. "Weird," he muttered taking a long swig of pumpkin juice before promptly spraying it violently on poor Peter, who was across from him.

Poor Peter.

The innocent party in the pumpkin juice incident (namely Peter, the only one at our part of the table who couldn't be held responsible in some way) took the whole thing rather well, I thought. He blinked, wiped the sticky orange concoction from his eyes, dabbed his face with a napkin, and turned back to his sausage as if nothing had happened.

Satisfied that Peter was all right, James snapped, "All right, whoever's wielding the salt, it's not funny."

"James, are you sure you're all right?" Remus said, eyebrows raised in concern. "Nobody's touched the salt all morning."

James was just about to say something snarky, judging by the look on his face, but I pointed above him and said, "Friends of yours?"

We all looked up just as half a dozen owls dive-bombed James's face, covering his glasses in bird poop, and circling in a holding pattern over his head until I waved my wand discretely to call them off.

There was an awkward semi-silence in the Great Hall, punctuated by a handful of whisperers and snickering first years, but everyone at Hogwarts watched as James calmly siphoned the bird excrement off his glasses with his wand and wiped his face clean with a napkin.

"Excuse me," he said tersely. "I have to go dunk my head in soapy water. Hopefully, I won't be late for Charms."

As soon as he stood and began marching away, there was an eruption of laughter, mainly proliferated by the Slytherins.

"Continuing phases one and two," Sirius whispered to me with a smirk, "and I'll go on phase three this afternoon."

James found a variety of animals following and peeing on him throughout the day, most notably my cat, Fang, Mrs. Norris, and all of the unicorns in Care of Magical Creatures. With each animal, James's rage built within him more, and he began to realize that these were not merely random occurrences. His food and drink, also tasted incredibly salty at each meal, and he was starting to get rather hungry and frustrated. But what James didn't know was that his day was about to get a whole lot worse than salty food and drink at every meal and being pissed on by a vast array of animals.

Sirius singlehandedly turned every surface in the Slytherin and Hufflepuff common rooms neon pink. As they had expected, Professor Sprout, Slughorn, and McGonagall called Sirius and James in as their primary suspects. Lily, Avery, and I were called in to handle the discipline of the situation and bear witness and whatnot.

"Can you tell us your knowledge of the crimes in question and account for your whereabouts this afternoon, all of you?" Professor McGonagall said judiciously.

"Well, Professor," said Sirius with a perfectly straight face, "I was at the Quidditch pitch, flying laps. I know nothing about this."

Two things: Firstly, McGonagall looked incredibly skeptical. Secondly, James looked a bit surprised and confused, since we happened to know that this was exactly what he had spent his afternoon doing.

"Can anyone vouch for this, Mr. Black?" Professor Sprout asked calmly.

"I can," James said quickly, thinking that he was covering for his best friend and effectively digging his own grave so that we could all toss dirt in on him.

Sirius frowned perfectly.

"No you can't," Sirius said, looking confused. "You weren't there."

"What are you talking about, Sirius?" James demanded. "Of course I was!"

The professors exchanged baffled looks at the dynamic duo's disagreement, and I struggled not to grin as I said, "Please, Professors, I did see James near the Hufflepuff common room this afternoon, but I had assumed he was on a trip to the kitchens."

James's jaw dropped as he turned toward me.

"No I wasn't! I was at the Quidditch pitch!"

"Avery, do you know anything about this incident?" Professor Slughorn asked incredulously, clearly trying to piece together the puzzle.

"No, sir," Avery said honestly, bemused. "I was in the library."

"I, erm, I saw something," Lily lied, although I must say she was a far better actress than I would have expected.

"Yes, Miss Evans?" said Professor McGonagall swiftly.

"I, erm," she muttered nervously, "well, on my way back from tea with you, Professor Slughorn, I ran into James in the dungeons, but he asked me not to say anything about it and assured me not to worry, told me he was looking for me."

At this point, James could do little more than splutter at the outrageous and carefully planned lies we were all telling, but the professors all took lily Evans's word as gospel. There was really nothing he could do.

"Might I suggest," Lily said sweetly as the three professors turned their dark expressions on James, "that he be made to clean the owlery weekly in detention for the remainder of the term… without magic?"

"Yes, Miss Evans, that seems a suitable punishment," Professor McGonagall said. "Potter, you'll receive an owl with details of your detention tomorrow." It would have been impossible not to notice how James flinched at the word 'owl'. "Good day."

I stuck around with the three Gryffindors, no longer hiding my wide grin at the sight of a red-faced James Potter.

"What the hell, Sirius?" James exploded. "You weren't at the Quidditch pitch this afternoon!"

"No, I was turning common rooms pink," Sirius said with a cheerful smile. "They bought it, though."

"And you!" James shrieked, turning on me. "I was nowhere near your common room, Marren!"

"Neither was I," I said with a shrug. "I was following you around all day, making animals pee on you. It's a full-time job."

His eyes grew wide and he gasped, "That was you?"

I just smiled sweetly in response.

"Do you have any idea how many times I had to shower today, Marren?" he roared in my face, but Sirius pushed him back from me forcefully.

"Don't you go getting angry with her, Prongs," Sirius spat. "Ali didn't hurt anyone, you did."

"I don't know how you put up with this girl so long, Sirius," James snarled. "Leave it to you to pick a crazy one."

"Actually, you picked her," Sirius snapped, "and therein lies the problem. We could do a lot worse than this, James, and believe me, the thought's crossed all of our minds. Don't push us. Let us live our own lives. Ali and I don't want to be together. Get over it."

"And Lily-flower," James whined pathetically, "why did you lie about me like that?"

Lily frowned.

"Is everything Sirius says going in one ear and out the other? James, leave Ali alone and mind your own business! Let them live their own lives!"

James opened his mouth, clearly about to make another stupid, stubborn, 'poor me' comment, but Lily cut across him and said, "I mean it, James. Ali's being really big about this because she knows you mean a lot to me, but if you don't stop being so unreasonable, I will leave you."

If there was one thing James Potter understood, it was the power of Lily Evans to stick to something once she'd set her mind to it. He hastily swallowed his protests and nodded numbly. I would have preferred an apology and assurance that it wouldn't happen again, but beggars can't be choosers. I trusted Lily to keep him in line.

"So," I said to Sirius as we headed for the kitchens, "now that's over we can move on to the next order of business."

"And that would be?" he asked suspiciously.

"Getting you and Cherry together, of course," I said matter-of-fact.

Sirius sighed.

"Oh, Ali. If only I could believe that were actually possible."

But I wasn't willing to give up so easily. The first step would be a plan…

Actually, that would be the second step. A good night's sleep, then a plan…